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 WHY ME?

   CHAPTER TWO

   The next day I was watching the news when I thought I saw the back end
of Wesley's car.  I turned the program up and found out that at the after
prom party John had gotten drunk and on the way home had wrapped his Camaro
around a tree, Susan and the two kids in the back seat were dead.  Wesley
was badly injured; he lost most of a leg.  It didn't matter though because
he would never get out of jail with three counts of vehicular homicide.  I
was ashamed that I felt so little about Susan being killed, but I had
already lost her.

   Grief counselors descended on the school Monday, but I had no reason to
talk to them.  Graduation was a waste of time except for Lena's speech as
valedictorian.  She said that she hoped we were better prepared for the
future than what the school had done for us.  I don't think the principal
understood what she was saying until she described the incompetence and
greed of the administration as criminal.  I hope somebody got a picture of
his face.

   I enlisted three days later.  The Air Force was willing to take me as a
communications specialist and I would report for training on August 4th.  I
didn't even tell my mom what I had done, I just went home and started
packing.  When dad got home he saw me and asked what I was doing.

   "I'm packing dad.  I'll put most of this stuff in storage and you can
use my room for an office or guest room.  I have to report August 4th."

   "What did your mother say?"

   "I haven't told her.  There is no sense talking when she doesn't
listen."

   Dad was upset with me, but I didn't care.  I was still pissed at my mom
and her sister.

   The Air Force was a revelation.  I couldn't believe how fit I was after
basic training, and the school for radio repair I was sent to was exciting.
Of course just before I was due to report Iraq invaded Kuwait and the Gulf
War was on.  The training commands were not affected very much other than
as our instructors rotated out fairly often.  As Nelson McReady I fit in
very well.  Our classes were coed, but there was no fraternization allowed.
Of course some of the students did get together, but when they were caught
all it did was enhance my class standing.  I enjoyed the work and had a
real knack for diagnosing problems.  The instructors tried to trick me for
the final, but I won out on them and was able to graduate top in the class.


   My first duty station was to be in Germany, and I was given 30 days
leave before I was due to report for transportation.  The wonderful Gulf
War had ended during my last month of training and the instructors no
longer felt such pressure to teach us how to survive in the desert.

   Having nowhere else to go, I decided to go home.  I called and told dad
when I would be in and he agreed to pick me up at Indy.  I was a seasoned
air traveler now and the inconvenience of waiting on a connecting flight
was minimalized by my new habit of always having a book with me.

   When I saw my parents at the gate waiting for me I was struck by how old
they looked.  This was the first time that I had ever been away from them
for more than a week and the difference in them was pretty striking.  Mom
looked like she was on drugs or something bouncing up and down on her heels
and clapping her hands when she spotted me.

   I stepped up to dad and clasped his hand.  He pulled me in and gave me a
big hug, the first I could remember.  I didn't even have time to respond
before mom was in my arms hugging me and crying.  I couldn't say anything,
I just hugged her back.  I hadn't realized how much I missed my mother, not
just having her near, but I missed talking to her, I missed her cooking,
and I even missed her nagging.  I don't remember looking down at the top of
her head before though.  When did she suddenly shrink?

   "Oh my big strong man; I have missed you so much Ricky.  I'm so sorry
that I messed things up and drove you away; I promise that I won't do it
again.  Please forgive me Ricky, I'm sorry."

   "It's okay mom.  I'm just glad to be home for a while; I missed you too.
Now let's get my bags and head home before you ruin my uniform."

   The ride was the normal for around Indy, traffic patterns and orange
barrels.

   My room had indeed been made up as a guest room.  Mom did it in such a
way as to be able to make it my room again with little preparation.  Dad
told me later that she was distraught about having driven her baby away and
was constantly hoping that I would return.

   That night over dinner dad asked about my plans.  "You took us by a bit
of a surprise with your enlistment Ricky, what do you have in mind for
next?"

   "I'm sorry about that dad.  I was going to do it anyway, but events
precipitated my actions.  I'm actually glad that I did because if I had
waited I might not have gotten into the field I did.  I really do like the
work I am doing and I will probably do something similar after I get out.
My plan is to save as much as I can for school and come back to college,
hopefully here at Purdue.  If I can, would I be able to live here to save
money?"

   "Of course you can Ricky," my mom said, "this is your home after all. 
All I ask is that you not shut me out again."

   I promised to write often, and when I could I would get a computer and
exchange emails with them.

   Germany was such a different experience there is no way to really
describe it.  I soon got used to the beer and wasn't really sure how I was
going to put up with the domestic stuff back home.  I enjoyed my job and I
was good at it.  There were women around the unit and the base but the fast
talkers and good looking guys got them, I wasn't really in the running. 
There was one waitress, Margo, at a local bar in Wurzburg that talked to
me, supposedly to improve her English, but there was no romance there.  One
of the buys told me that she was trying to get me to pay her for sex, but I
really didn't think so.

   I got to be the guy they sent the problems to, I could fix things which
would otherwise have been replaced, it didn't take long for my first
promotion.  I was informed by my commander that with the way the rank
structure was in the Air Force, that I was probably as high as I would get
in one enlistment.

   One night I was drinking beer in the dayroom with a few guys when one of
them suggested a house run.  I asked what a house run was and they all
informed me of the houses of 2 and 3 colors, two local bordellos.  A house
run was a quick fuck at each house.  I decided that I had been a virgin
long enough so I agreed.  Imagine my surprise to find the girl from the bar
at the first stop.  I was walking up the stairway that had rooms at each
landing with the unoccupied hookers standing outside their door looking for
business.  On the third floor there she was.

   "Hello Margo.  Will you accept me?"

   "Ya Nelson, come in."

   In her little room with just a bed and a night stand with a basin of
water she explained that I had 10 minutes for 50 bucks.  If I wanted longer
I should say so to start.  I was so nervous it wasn't funny, so I gave her
a hundred dollars and told her it was my first time so please try to help
me.

   Margo was very gentle and after she took her clothes off she helped me
undress.  She brought out a condom and put it on me and didn't say anything
when I shot off as soon as she had it on.  Margo was very attractive and
slim with small breasts and wide hips.  Her brown hair was cut short and
the hair on her mons was trimmed to a triangle.  She allowed me to explore
a bit while waiting for my time to expire and when I got hard again she put
another condom on me.  I had to pay another 50, but then she lay back and
steered me in.  I slid in easily and then she kind of clamped down and
tightened up on me.  Even after already coming once I didn't last long
enough to need more money.  Margo rolled the condom off of me and gave me a
pat on the cheek.

   "Thank you Nelson, I hope to see you again at the Scala."

   It was strange the next time I saw her at the bar, I stayed away for a
couple weeks, but she acted as if nothing unusual had happened.  I said the
hell with it and went along with her.  I never went back to the house
though, that was all of that I needed.

   After 2 ½ years working in the field I was sent back to the school to
spend my last 6 months teaching, unless I decided to reenlist.  I was
seriously considering it when my dad got sick and had a heart attack.  He
would be okay, but would be a while recovering.  I went home on leave and
helped mom out, and while I was there I applied to Purdue.  When I got back
to my station I set things up to get out and use my education benefits.  In
Germany I had taken courses on base and had enough credits to be considered
a third year student.

   Once I got home for good I spent quite a while with the military
transition counselor at Purdue getting all my credits transferred.  I found
out that I also was given some credits for real world experience and the
courses the Air Force had given me.  I could graduate with a computer
science degree within 2 years without taking on too much of a course load.

   The next thing to do was to get a job.  Dad had been in touch with some
people who used electrical repair workers.  I interviewed with a few of
them, then got to a small shop that needed somebody to do evening work
without supervision.  It was very similar to what I had done in Germany and
the pay wasn't too shabby either.

   With all of this set I showed up for my first day of classes.  I got
settled in my first class when an attractive brunette sat next to me.  I
tried not to stare at her, but damn she had some nice legs.  There was no
time for anything else as the professor came in and immediately started to
lecture.  After listening to him drone on for 45 minutes I really wished
that I had taken another math course in Germany.

   At the end of the class I started out only to be stopped by a hand on my
arm.

   "Ricky, is that you?  Damn, Julie said that you had changed, but she
understated it quite a bit."

   I looked at the attractive girl who had sat next to me and suddenly
realized who it was.

   "Lena?  What are you doing here and who is Julie?"

   "I am going to class here, and Julie is your mother idiot.  Meet me at
the union after third period and we'll talk, I have to get to my next class
and so do you."

   With that she turned and walked away.  What in the hell was going on
here?  Lena was still in school, and she talked to my mother.  I was
tempted to skip the talk she wanted, but then I found out that she was in
my computer lab 3rd period.  She just took my arm and steered me to a table
in the union without saying a word.

   "Are you intending to eat lunch here or go off campus Ricky?"

   "I wasn't going to bother Lena, I intended to study for a while and then
eat later; I only have one more class today.  Now what in the hell is going
on?  I expected you to have already graduated and how do you know my
mother?"

   "One thing at a time Ricky..."

   "Hold it, please call me Nelson.  That is what I have gone by for the
last four years and I have always hated that other name.  Now continue."

   "Okay "Nelson", my schooling was delayed a couple of years so I am no
further along than you are.  You were very smart to take all those classes
while you were in service.  Julie is so proud of you she could just spit.
Your folks are some seriously nice people Nelson and you need to forgive
your mother for her actions, you know that she regrets it."

   "Wrong Lena, I can overlook the actions of my mother and aunt, but I'm
not sure that I will ever forgive them.  They both knew why Diane did not
want to go to the prom and they insisted anyway.  I can think of no reason
for them to do that.  Now you have made me lose what should have been a
good mood.  I have to go to class now.  Are you in any more of mine?"

   "Sorry R...Nelson.  I have two more with you tomorrow, 4 in all.  Julie
shared your schedule with me."

   "Why Lena, why do you care what classes I am in or what my schedule is?"

   "I thought that we were friends Nelson.  I met your cousin while we were
in Nevada and she and I have a lot in common.  I called her yesterday and
Diane will be here this weekend.  She wants to talk to you."

   "Oh great, the hits just keep on coming.  Thanks Lena, now my mood is
ruined for the rest of the week.  I've got to get to class; goodbye."

   When I got home after work mom was waiting for me at the kitchen table.

   "Lena says that you were very rude to her today."

   "Lena was getting very personal mom.  When did you get so friendly with
her?"

   "When she came over after her family dissolved Ricky.  Her mother left
her father and took most of his money with her; he had to sell his business
to pay the bills.  She came here looking for you and we became friends. 
Lena is a very sweet girl Ricky, and much too good for you."

   "Of course she is, that is why I don't understand her interest.  What
does she want from me?  Did she tell you that she knows Diane and called
her?  Lena said that Diane would be here this weekend to see me.  I can't
do that mom, I can't see her again."

   "Ricky!  Diane is your cousin and your friend.  Why couldn't you see
her?"

   "It's your fault mom, yours and Aunt Jean's.  I could always talk to
Diane because I never saw her as a girl, just as my friend.  You two made
it so that I had to see her as a girl, a girl with a lot of experience.  I
can't talk to her now, I just can't."

   "Are you ashamed of her Ricky?"

   "No, not that, I just don't know how to talk to her now.  It's not the
same anymore."

   "But you have to Ricky, if you treat her differently she will think that
you hate her for being the way she was.  You used to run to each other and
hug and tell each other how much you missed the other.  When you did that
the smile on her face was huge.  If you don't do it now she will be
crushed."

   "I don't know what to do, I don't understand you women.  I'll try mom,
but Diane is not the little girl I knew anymore.  I don't know how to deal
with her now."

   "Damn it Ricky, you have to grab her and hold her and tell her you
missed her and that you love her Ricky.  If you do anything else she will
be crushed.  You are going to take Lena down to Indy Friday night and pick
up Diane.  You have 4 days to get your head together.  And I want you to be
kinder to Lena too.  She likes you for some reason, and when she was in
trouble she came to you for help.  I'll be damned if I know why she wanted
help from such a self-centered jerk, but she did.  She said that you were
the only boy in all her years at school who treated her as just another
person.  Why didn't you ever ask her out?"

   "Mom!  I didn't ask her because there is no way that she would ever go
out with me.  Lena is the most beautiful girl in town and I am a shallow
dweeb with no friends.  She never even knew I existed."

   "You are wrong on so many counts there.  All I ask is that you try not
to make your cousin feel any worse than she already does and be civil with
Lena.  She is trying to help and she and Diane got very close.  Please be
nice to her."

   "I'll try, mom, I'll try."

   The next day Lena was very quiet and I had to stop her to apologize. 
She accepted and went on her way.  Somehow it didn't feel right, but there
was nothing I could do.

   She ignored me again on Wednesday and I didn't know what to do.  I did
not expect Lena to have much to say to me, but now that she had on Monday I
found that I wanted her to again; after all, I had had a crush on this girl
for years.

   I got home after work that night and mom was waiting for me again.

   "What did you do this time Ricky?  Lena was crying tonight when we
talked."

   "I didn't do anything mom.  I didn't say anything to her."

   "Why not; Are you mad at her for some reason?"

   "I'm not mad at her, I just don't know what to say to her.  I apologized
yesterday and she hasn't said anything to me since.  What else can I do?"

   Mom just sat back and looked at me with a sad expression.  "You just
don't have a clue, do you son?  Didn't you and Tom ever talk about what to
do with girls?"

   "Tom didn't need to talk about it mom, girls went after him.  He was
handsome and confidant, he never had to chase a girl.  Besides, I have no
intention of chasing after Lena, hell, if I caught her I wouldn't know what
to do.  You're right mom, I am totally clueless."

   "Do you like her Ricky?"

   "I don't know mom, I mean, sure I liked her, but from afar, I don't
actually know her.  I had a crush on her for years, ever since we moved to
Jefferson St.  But I don't know her very well at all."

   "That is going to have to change Ricky.  Tomorrow and Friday you are
going to take Lena to lunch.  It doesn't need to be anything special; fast
food will be good enough.  Over the food you will tell her all about your
hopes and dreams, what you want to do with your future; and you ask her
about hers.  You have always been able to talk to Lena, you still can.  The
first thing you are to do though is to give her a hug when you see her
tomorrow."

   "Mom!  I can't do that, she'd knock me for a loop and call the cops on
me."

   "No she won't dear, she says that the best she has ever felt is when you
held her to dance.  Do you remember the song that was playing the last time
you danced with her?"

   "Yeah, I do.  We were at the skating rink with Diane and they played
"Blue Velvet", I started with Lena and then finished the song with Diane.
That was so neat mom; we had such a good time there.  I'd kind of forgotten
that in the aftermath.  You don't think she would freak out if I hugged
her?"

   "Only with joy Ricky; you do what I say and see what happens."

   The next day I was so nervous I almost forgot to bring my books to
class. When I walked into the room she was standing beside her desk talking
to the girl who sat on the other side of her.  Before I lost my nerve I
walked up to her and put my arms around her and hugged.  As she melted
against me I hummed the first part of "Blue Velvet".

   "I'm sorry I was such a jerk Lena.  You surprised me and I didn't know
how to act.  I never thought that I meant anything to you and these last
two days I've missed talking to you.  Can you forgive me?"

   Lena had her face in the hollow of my neck and all I heard as she hugged
back was "Finally".

   The smell of her hair was intoxicating, but I had to let her go as the
prof came into the room and we got into our seats.

   The whole class I heard almost nothing as all I could think about was
how good Lena felt in my arms, the smell of her and how her breath felt on
my neck.

   After class Lena took my hand and led me out.  "Now that wasn't so hard
was it Nelson?  Don't wait too long to do it again.  I know I came on a
little heavy Monday, but I had waited so long to see you again.  Every time
you were home on leave I was somewhere else and couldn't see you.  You just
don't know how much I missed you."

   "But Lena, we were never that close in school; in fact we didn't talk
much at all until the last couple of months after Susan.  Why would you be
so anxious to see me again?"

   "Let's just say that I have my reasons and go on to class."

   I wouldn't see her again before lunch so If I was going to ask it had to
be now.  "Would you go to lunch with me Lena?  Mom says that we need to
talk a bit and that would be a good time."

   "Sure Nelson, I would be pleased to have lunch with you."

   "We'll meet in the parking lot over there by the science building, you
know my old Monarch don't you?"

   "When are you going to get rid of that thing Nelson?  You have had it
for years."

   "No reason to get rid of something that works Lena, dad and I have taken
good care of it and it will last for a while yet."

   "Such a sensible man; how can I argue with that?  Yes I will go to lunch
with you Nelson.  See you later."

   I had done it, I had asked Lena to go somewhere with me.  I wonder if
this could be considered our first date?

   When I got to my car Lena was waiting for me.  I opened the door for her
and as I started the car to move off she slid over beside me on the bench
seat.

   "I'm glad that you have this old car now Nelson, no bucket seats.  This
means that Diane can sit up front with us tomorrow."

   It felt so good to have her right next to me, I wanted to put my arm
around her, but I was afraid that I would scare her away.  She took care of
this problem by taking my arm and putting it around her shoulders herself
and snuggling into my side even more.  I'd drive around the world if I
could just stay like this.

   "How are we going to do that anyway Lena?  I assume that you have the
flight number and time."

   "Yes I do.  You get out before I do tomorrow so you can get the car full
of gas and cleaned and go home.  I'll meet you there after I get done with
my last class."

   "Okay."

   I took her to the XXX drive in so that we wouldn't have to get out of
the car and I wouldn't have to let her go.  They were pretty busy and we
talked the whole time while we waited for the car-hop to get to us.

   "What do you have in mind after you finish at Purdue Nelson?  And please
realize that Diane and I talk almost every night so anything you say will
get to her.  I haven't got any secrets from her."

   "I'm glad that you two have gotten so close, Diane was always my best
friend and we shared a lot of confidences too.  I learned how to work on
all kinds of radios in the service and I figure that with the exploding
computer market I can always find work repairing them.  The classes here
should also make it so that I can design them as well, I have already seen
several ways in which they could be made better.  I would like to get on
with a company designing and installing business set ups.  If I could get
some capital I would even like to start my own company doing that.  Right
now businesses are just buying computers off the shelf and quite often they
won't work together, or even talk to each other.  There is a much better
way and I can do that."

   "Sounds good.  How about personal things, have you considered marriage
and children."

   "That would take help, and no one has ever volunteered for the job. 
I've never had a reason to think about that."

   "Well start thinking that way, there is more to life than work and you
have missed a lot of it.  Your mom and I and Diane think that you need to
broaden your horizons."

   Now I wonder what in the hell that meant?  I missed Margo; I could have
talked to her about this and maybe gotten some advice on how to handle
these women I suddenly have interested in me.

   Lena moved over a bit when the food got to us, but as soon as I started
the car to leave she was right back under my arm.  She didn't move until I
parked the car for our next class, then she held my hand all the way to our
desks.  What in the hell was going on here?  Not that I was going to
complain.

   I had to go to work after the next class and Lena gave me a little kiss
on the cheek saying that she would see me tomorrow morning at first class.

   I was walking on clouds after that and I really don't remember what I
did at work that night.  In bed that night I beat off thinking of how Lena
felt beside me in the car and that kiss.  Diane was the only other girl who
had ever kissed me, even Margo never did that.  I couldn't wait for another
one, maybe on the lips.