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 Wednesday, February 24

   Rhon

   First think about whether you like notes this way or if I should try to
do some using paper.  Have been thinking a lot about your 'friends'.  Am
trying to NOT think about it from my perspective, but your and and then
ours.  Listed you first because I think you and your needs in this has to
come first..  We talk a lot about the order of things.  The subs needs,
your needs, your wants and finally if any thing is left the subs wants.  I
would change the order a little because this one assumes there are 2
INDIVIDUALS, instead I see us of course as individuals, but there is also a
couple involved.  So I would say the order should be more like Your needs,
Couples needs, my needs, Your wants and finally my wants.

   As I write and think the order could change.  My needs and I am not sure
what they are seem to be satisfied just from your attention.  If you wish
to use heavy S/M then so long as the primary person you use is me then my
needs are met.  Same, with who I am.  If it is ronni that you want then I
want to be her, not just go along because your attention reinforces ronni.
You have said sometimes I talk about things and work myself up for certain
activities.  I do, but it is usually a a way of preparing mentally for it.
I 'think' I am pretty much OK with anything Rhon wants to do.  Yes,
sometimes there might be some whining and resisting, but ronni pretty much
follows where YOU want to go.  My needs are met by being with you and
pleasing you.  There is probably more, but at the moment this seems to be
adequate.  Think about it this way, if we were just play, and activity
friends my needs would be greater, but with my feels for you just being
with you and doing the things that make you happy have been enough.  Yea,
this sounds like a lovestruck teenagers, but when we are heavy within the
BDSM lifestyle so far it has been.  Which means YOUR needs are primary. 
NOW I've gotten to what you've been thinking and experimenting with.

   Lets be honest, just as predicted by me and then you it has happened. 
What did you call it last weekend?  Several months ago you knew inside
yourself ,WE were at a turn off in our relationship.  It was when you
decided to take the LEFT TURN.  Thing is I think and it sounds like you
agree this is a ONE WAY ROAD.  Am not sure how things could be turned back.
Attitudes, feelings, even the basis of our relationship has been changing.
Is it possible to reverse it?  It might be possible to stop and allow the
relationship to stay where it is for a little while.  Soon however, I just
feel the momentum of things already started will keep going all by
themselves.  By all this I am referring to the development of ronni, Rhon's
emotional needs, Rhon's sexual needs, Rhon's continued need for more and
more control of the relationship, plus additional aspects I'm sure three
are more, but lets divide your needs into 3 parts.  These are emotional,
spiritual and physical.  Spiritual is not something I can help a great deal
with, but never know.  WE can talk about this at another time.  Emotional;
I feel....believe and hope that this is the area that me, ronni, most meets
you, Rhon's needs.  It is impossible to meet them all because there is
family, friends, job and other things.  Emotionally this is where we meet
each others need the best.  This also includes the BDSM lifestyle as we
each find the roles, maybe not roles but the people that suit us best, Rhon
and ronni that meets these needs.  This includes the S/M, ownership and
control activities as they are more emotional than physical.  There are
many fascinating and unique things to do

   Physically; Right now one of the big things is other male
friends....Look be honest with yourself and then me.  You decided the Left
Turn road, call it, "The Road Less Traveled",after the poem.  One of the
consequences of that decision is besides the few times we get to be with
each other, when we do see each other there is the physical and emotional
desire Rhon has for ronni.  Not only don't we have many opportunities, but
Rhon's desire for ronni becomes the strongest feeling.  Of course ronni's
desire for Rhon reinforces it.

   I think you need to recognize and admit that your sex drive is still
strong and you hope it will stay that way.  Reducing your sex drive will
also reduce your desire for ronni.  All this assumes you can actually
reduce your sex drive.  I don't think that is possible and deep down
neither do you.  It was like I said on the phone, if you squeeze your
physical needs in one place, they will pop out in another.  AS I can see it
you have been denying and ignoring these for months.  Isn't this the reason
you started searching?  If you go back to ignoring them isn't this just
starting the same cycle all over again?  You told me that 'maybe' you could
be satisfied with the toys, but have you been so far?  NO, you haven't! 
They put it off for a little while, but that is not satisfying it is
burying.  QUESTION?  IN the past few months how much of the difficulties
you have had letting Rhon go when we are together could be you have been
burying these other needs?  I don't mean letting Rhon out to be more
sadistic, but letting him out to be more of really him.  Could it be in the
past year the weekends and times we have had and Rhon has stayed bottled up
be because the female physical needs have not been satisfied?  You are
never going to be able to totally ignore and eliminate them.  So probably
the best response is to admit they are there and allow them their turn to
be taken care of.

   Another way of looking at it is, it is ONLY physical needs, not
emotional.  Ronni can stay secure and confident (at least I think she can),
with your allowing the female side have her turn so long as your emotional
needs look for ronni.  Think of it like this, it is 'just' sex.  Is ronni,
me, truly happy with this?  No, she isn't but the further down that Left
Turn path we go the more this is going to happen. .It is going to happen
not only with your female needs, but I am guessing there are more
consequences of this path coming we don't even know about yet.  As an
example we both know there are emotional and physical things happening to
ronni.

   The follow up to your female side having sex also allows Rhon to satisfy
some his sexual and sadistic fantasies.  He looks forward to the afterwords
of your boy friends.  Isn't smiling and grinning of the prospects of
sadistically enjoying ronni's submission?  There are golden opportunities,
oral cleaning, sexually using her as an object as he satisfies himself and
further humiliates her.  Some day there will also be the opportunity to
watch one or more of your boyfriends using ronni as a full cuckold while he
is there and then again Rhon using her as his to further abuse and enjoy
when the boyfriends leave.  The other night Rhon and also the female you,
both loved the thoughts of the torment ronni was going through as she
imagined what was happening.