Title:   Who's Afraid of Intendant Kira? 
Author:  Kathryn Ramage 
Series:  DS9 
Codes:   B/alt-G & K/alt-K 
Rating:  PG13 
Summary: A parody of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf," set
in DS9's mirror universe. 

Setting: The 2nd-season episode, "Crossover" (sort of)

Notes:  My idea for this story goes all the way back to
one of my earliest viewings of "Crossover."  Watching
Intendant Kira and First Officer Garak, I thought:  "What a
fun couple!  They really know how to throw a party.  Just
like George and Martha Whosis in 'Who's Afraid of Virginia
Woolf'!"

So, some time later, when I saw WAoVA again, I couldn't
help re-membering this and re-casting accordingly--Garak in
the Richard Burton role, the Intendant in place of Liz
Taylor, and so on.

Major Kira primarily gets the George Segal role (Nick) and
Bashir the Sandy Dennis role (Honey), but when I actually
settled down to write, I wound up switching some of their
scenes around so that they'd work better for reasons of
personal interaction, gender, or sexual tension.

Special Thanks: to Silver Rayne and Saklani for their beta-
reading.

Disclaimer:  Paramount owns Star Trek, DS9, and all the
characters. This story was written purely for entertainment
purposes (and with apologies to Edward Albee).


~*~ 
Act I

A darkened room on Terek Nor. The lights come on as the
door slides open.  Intendant Kira strides in, First Officer
Garak following. We can now see that they have entered the
sitting room of the In-tendant's suite, which is in obvious
disarray: cast-off articles of clothing belonging to the
Intendant are scattered over most of the furniture, and the
tables and floor are cluttered with half-finished glasses
of various colored beverages, some of which have toppled
over and spilled.

Intendant Kira [surveying the mess]: What a dump! [turning
back to Garak] What was it the poet Amanis said about
returning to chaos?

Garak: I don't remember, Intendant.

Intendant Kira: Yes, you do! It was in the 'Song of B'hala
Lost.' [She plucks discarded clothing off the plush lounge
at the center of the room and stuffs it under the
cushions.]  Amanis travels for many years, all over Bajor,
and when he returns to B'hala, he finds it in ruins.  [She
picks up a discarded glass from the table at the foot of
the lounge, considers the remaining purplish liquid within,
then bolts it down.]  And he says something.  What was it?

Garak [more stolidly]: Intendant, I do not recall.  I'm
afraid I'm not conversant with all of the works of your
great Bajoran poets.

Intendant Kira: I'm not asking you to remember every piece
of Bajoran poetry ever written.  Just this one.  You _must_
know it. It's a very famous poem, about a once-mighty
civilization that's crumbled into decay.  Amanis returns to
B'hala, and he looks over the ruins of the ancient temple,
the empty streets of his beloved city, and he throws his
arms out in a gesture of absolute despair. [She pauses in
the task of picking up more scattered clothing and
demonstrates.]  And he says [dramatically]: 'Ah, B'hala,
how thy glory has fallen...'

Garak [echoing without inflection]: 'Ah, B'hala, how thy
glory has fallen.' 

Intendant Kira: No-ooo, that's not it.  Don't you know
anything? [She looks at the mess around her again, and
flings away the clothing she's holding with a cry of
frustration.]  I shouldn't have had _all_ my body servants
executed at once!  Garak, help me clean this up.

Garak: As you wish, Intendant. [He begins to gather up
glasses.] I really don't understand why you're making such
a fuss.  The dis-order of your rooms has never concerned
you before. 

Intendant Kira: But we're having company tonight.

Garak: Are we? [He puts the glasses in the disposal unit
while the Intendant resumes picking things up.]  Who?

Intendant Kira: That very attractive Major Kira that the
Klingons picked up in the Denorios Belt.  

Garak [softly]: Ahh...of course.  The 'attractive' Major.

Intendant Kira [not hearing him]: I've asked her to join
me this evening.  Her Terran companion will be here too--
she refused to come without him.  I thought you could
entertain him, while the Major and I discuss a few
important matters, and entertain your-self as well.

Garak: If you insist, Intendant.  I hope you aren't
planning to discuss the Alliance-

Intendant Kira: I'll talk about anything I want to! [She
shoves an armload of clothing at him.]  Get rid of these
while I go and change.  [The door chimes.]

Garak: Too late.  Your guests have arrived.

Intendant Kira: Enter! [The door opens to reveal two
Klingon guards escorting Major Kira and Bashir.  The
Intendant comes forward with a huge smile.] Major Kira
Nerys, welcome!

Major Kira [warily entering the room]: You sent for us,
Intendant? [She stumbles forward as the Klingons thrust the
doctor through the doorway behind her, then depart.]  

Intendant Kira: I know how strange and unsettling all of
this must seem to you.  How frightened you must be, lost in
another universe. What better way to reassure you that you
are among friends than to welcome you personally in my own
quarters?  

Bashir: Anything that keeps me out ore processing is fine
with me.

Intendant Kira [ignoring him]:  And this will be such a
wonderful opportunity for us to get to know each other. 
Garak, order drinks for the Major and me.  The Terran too--
I'm in a generous mood!  Make our guests welcome, and I'll
go and slip into something...more com-fortable.  [to Kira] 
I was just going to freshen up.  Why don't you come and
give me a hand?

Major Kira [reluctantly]: Yes, all right.

Intendant Kira [as she leads the Major into the bedroom]:
I've been having a terrible time keeping servants lately...
[The door closes behind the two Kiras, leaving Bashir
nervously alone with Garak.]

Garak: What will you have?

Bashir: Oh, anything's fine.  [He sits down on the lounge
and, finding himself on a discarded piece of lingerie, tugs
it free, and quickly tosses it to the floor.] 

Garak [placing an order at the replicator]: Four Talbarian
Roq'eg blasters. [to Bashir] The Intendant's favorite.  I'm
sure you and the Major will enjoy them too.  [He takes the
tray of drinks from the replicator and places it on the
table beside the lounge.]  They look remarkably alike,
don't they--Major Kira and the Intendant? I must admit, it
came as quite a surprise when the two of you were brought
aboard Terek Nor, and I first saw your Major.  [He hands
Bashir one of the drinks.]  But, in spite of
her...formidable per-sonality, she is an attractive woman.  

Bashir [confused]: Major Kira?

Garak [smiling]: Intendant Kira.  Major Kira is your Kira.

Bashir: Well, she's not _my_ Kira, exactly.  We were just-
ah-traveling together.  [He tries his drink and finds it
surprisingly strong but, since Garak is watching him for a
reaction, he takes a second, larger gulp.]  In fact, I
don't think she likes me much.  

Garak: Oh, I find that hard to believe. 

Bashir: No, it's true.  She thinks I'm arrogant. 
Annoying.  A spoiled, over-privileged child.  [Another
gulp.]  I don't believe she'd mind it very much if you did
send me off to ore processing.  

Garak: Intendant Kira?

Bashir: No, Major Kira.  My- [He stops suddenly and
smiles.]  You're playing with me, aren't you?  The way my
Garak does.

Garak: You have your very own Garak?

Bashir [growing uncomfortable again]: Er- yes.

Garak: Unfortunately, I have no Bashir of my own.  [He is
still smiling benignly, but Bashir begins to fidget with
the drink he is holding; he finishes it off, and looks
relieved when the Kiras return.  The Intendant is now
wearing her purple party dress.]

Garak: Intendant, how charming you look! I didn't know
that you planned to attend Temple this evening.

Intendant Kira: I thought we might make an appearance on
the Pro-menade. I feel like celebrating tonight, to show
off my new friend. [She places one hand on Major Kira's
arm; the Major doesn't like this, but does not draw away.] 
I'm looking forward to showing you around Terek Nor, Nerys.

Major Kira: And you'll tell us more about this Alliance
that Bajor is part of?

Garak [suddenly alert]: What's that?

Major Kira: The- ah- Intendant was just telling me about
the Alliance.

Garak: Was she?  Your pardon, Intendant, but was that wise?

Intendant Kira: I wanted to.

Bashir: What about this Alliance?

Garak [shifting tone]: We belong to a vast interstellar
Alliance. [He picks up two other glasses on the tray and
hands one to each Kira as they sit down.]  I assume you
don't have anything like it in your universe?

Major Kira: No.  

Bashir: There is the Federation- [Garak hands him a second
glass; the doctor begins to protest, but decides against it
and accepts the drink.]

Major Kira: But neither Bajor nor Cardassia are members. 
Are they both part of your Alliance, here?

Garak: Oh, yes.  Cardassia, Bajor, the Klingons, more than
a dozen worlds.  Intendant, why don't you tell them more
about it?  _You_ were so eager for the Major to hear all
the details.

Intendant Kira [irritated by his tone]: Not now.  Right
now, I want to know more about our guests. [She smiles at
Major Kira.] I'm eager to learn all about you, your
universe, your...interests.  This Ter-ran of yours, for
example--he looks like a healthy and energetic specimen. 
[spoken lightly; Bashir obviously isn't the object of her
attention.  As she pats his thigh, she keeps her eyes
meaning-fully on the Major.]  

Major Kira: Er- Thank you.  [Bashir begins to look anxious-
-the Intendant's hand is still resting on his leg--but Kira
glares at him, silently urging him to keep still.]

Intendant Kira: I'm very jealous, Nerys.  We don't have
many pretty ones sent here anymore.  You've seen what _I_
have to amuse myself with--filthy Klingons, Ferengi... [She
glances dismissively over Garak.]  My First Officer.  When
I was assigned to Terek Nor, every-one warned me about him:
'Watch out for Garak!' they told me.  'He's a man of
ambition.  He wants the Intendancy for himself.'  But was I
afraid?  No. I welcomed the challenge.  I wanted a First
Officer who would [purring suggestively] keep me on my
toes.  That was exactly how I'd made _my_ way to the top,
and I thought it would be exciting to meet my match at
last.  It sounded like so much fun.  Well, it was exciting,
at first.  Not a week went by that he wasn't trying to
bribe my guards to assassinate me, or rigging the engine on
a shuttlecraft to explode.  Oh, he kept me on my toes, all
right! But, after a couple of years went by, and I was
still alive, I began to think that I was wrong about my
Garak.  Maybe he wasn't a match for me after all.  None of
his plots or schemes ever seemed to work out--did they,
Garak?

Garak [pleasantly]: It wasn't for lack of trying,
Intendant. [Major Kira and Bashir look from one to the
other with growing bafflement. Is it a joke?  Or are they
serious?]

Intendant Kira: No, not for lack of trying.  [She swirls
her drink contemplatively.]  You haven't given up yet, have
you, Garak?  You still think about taking my place and
gaining control of this station. [to her guests]  Don't be
fooled by that servile demeanor--he's a dangerous man.  He
wants me dead, you know.  He plots it.  Oh, he's ambitious.
[Abruptly, she throws her drink in his face.]  You've
poisoned the drinks again, haven't you?  [Bashir and Major
Kira sit stunned, then slowly consider the glasses they
both have drunk from. Garak stands there, not even wiping
the liquid dripping from his ridges.  Then he smiles.]

Garak: Did you really think I was trying to poison you,
Intendant?

Intendant Kira [laughs contemptuously]: _You_?  Kill me? 

Garak: I might do it...one day.

Intendant Kira: I'll believe that when I see it.  You
dream of my assassination, Garak, but you don't have the
nerve to see it through. You don't have what it takes to
get rid of me!  The truth is that you wouldn't know what to
do with the power if you had it.  [An awkward silence
descends upon the room.  Major Kira and Bashir obviously,
desperately want to get away, but can see no avenue of
escape.  After a moment, Bashir picks up some silky garment
from the floor and hands it to Garak to blot his face dry.]

Major Kira [tentatively]: Perhaps we ought to-

Intendant Kira [smiling at her]: Yes, that's right--I was
going to take you on a tour of the Promenade.  Why don't we
go out now?

Garak [softly]: Yes, why not? If you don't trust me to
replicate your drinks for you, perhaps you'll find Quark a
more reliable bartender.

Intendant Kira [pretending not to hear him]: Come on. 
[She heads out the door, the others slowly following.  The
room lights dim as the party exits.]

End Act I 
~*~

Act II

Quark's Place.  Intendant Kira is dancing by herself in
the middle of the open floor, spinning in circles and
laughing.  Major Kira and Bashir are seated at the bar; the
doctor holds his head propped on both hands as he considers
the nearly empty glass on the counter-top before him and he
appears very groggy at this point.  

Bashir: I can't remember the last time I've had so much
liquor poured into me like this.  [lowering voice to a
whisper]  You don't think those drinks Garak replicated
were really poisoned, do you?

Major Kira [whispering back]: If _ours_ were, we'd be
feeling the effects of it by now.  I think it was just some
kind of game they were playing.

Bashir [still whispering]: _I_ think the two of them are
insane! Major, how are we going to get out of here?  [He
looks around the room.]  There don't seem to be very many
people on the station, but this Alliance sounds powerful. 
Even if we can get back to the runabout and away from Terok
Nor, we'll still be in their space.

Major Kira: Just go along with them for now, no matter
what, and leave the rest of it to me.  [She watches her
twin thoughtfully.] Intendant Kira...likes me.  Maybe I can
reason with her, convince her to let us leave.   

Intendant Kira [raising her voice]: Music!  Where is my
flute-player? I want some music to dance to--and someone to
dance with! [She stops spinning and finds to the Major] 
What about you, Nerys?  

Major Kira: Yes, if you want me to. [She gets up.]

Bashir [shocked]: Major!

Major Kira [hissing]: Leave this to me!  [She heads for
the Inten-dant, who wraps both arms around her shoulders
and begins to sing a wordless 'la-la-la' melody as she
pulls her into a rather suggestive dance.  The Major tries
to follow her lead, a little awkwardly at first, but soon
gets into the rhythm of it.  Garak, who has been watching
from the far end of the bar, moves in now to sit next to
Bashir.]  

Garak [gesturing to Bashir's glass]: Quark!  Another drink
for our Terran guest!

Bashir [as Quark refills his glass]: No, really, Garak-
Thank you, no- I've had enough.

Garak: Nonsense!  It's only another Roq'eg blaster.  You
can have as many of those as you like.  Never mix, never
worry--that's what I always say.  [He turns on the barstool
to observe the two women.] Look at them.  They move
together as if they were made for each other.  A perfectly
matched set.  Why don't we join them, angel-thighs?

Bashir [blearily]: Wh- what? What did you call me?

Garak: Would you care to dance?

Bashir: Er- no.  No, thanks.  I don't- I don't dance.

Garak: If you say so.  [He leans back on the bar and sips
his own drink as he watches the Kiras dance.]

Intendant Kira [meeting Garak's eyes over her partner's
shoulder]: You don't know how happy I am to have you here,
Nerys.  It's just as I told you: everyone I have to amuse
myself with here has turned out to be such a
disappointment.  _Him_ more than all the others, because I
expected so much more.  [to Garak]  Why don't you tell him
why you were assigned to Terek Nor?  _That_ will impress
him.

Garak: Oh, I don't want to be a bore.

Intendant Kira: But it's a fascinating story, Garak!  I'm
sure the Terran will enjoy hearing it, and he'll be _so_
sympathetic.  [to Bashir] Go on.  Ask Garak to tell you his
story.  [Bashir demures, not wanting to get himself in the
middle of Round Two.  The In-tendant speaks to Major Kira.]
If I'd known the truth myself at the beginning, I would
never have gotten my hopes up about him.  

Major Kira: Why?  What did he do?

Intendant Kira: Shall I tell you?  Well, why not, since
Garak's being so modest about his past tonight.  Twenty
years ago, Garak was considered one of the most promising
officers to come out of Cardassia.  He _was_ ambitious. 
Everyone said he would go far--he couldn't help it.  His
father was head of the High Council in those days, and saw
to it that Garak was placed in positions where he had every
opportunity to climb right to the top.  It would only take
a few favors, an assassination or two.  But, in spite of
all his advantages, Garak never rose to the occasion.  He
was too loyal to his superiors when he should have betrayed
them.  He always chose the wrong friends, backed the wrong
factions.  

Garak: Intendant...

Intendant Kira [ignoring him and speaking only to the
Major as they continue to dance]: So, they called him back
to the great Council Chambers on Yla Prime, where he had a
private conference with his father.  Garak won't talk about
it, but I've heard it said that the old man insulted him in
every way he could, that he said the most horrible, hateful
things.  [Her voice grows louder and more strident.]  They
say he was hoping to make Garak so angry that he'd stab him
right then and there and prove he had the strength to seize
power after all.  But of course Garak couldn't even do
_that_.  His poor father had to retire, because he couldn't
bear the shame of it. 

Garak: Intendant, stop this.  

Intendant Kira [going farther, and spinning faster; Major
Kira tries to draw away, but the Intendant will not let her
go.]: Garak had failed too many times, and the Alliance
does not think highly of failures.  That's why they sent
him here, to give him one last chance. If he couldn't take
care of one... [chuckles] inexperienced young Intendant in
her first command, then he deserved to sit in the First
Officer's post until his dying day. And there he sits! [She
waves an arm in Garak's direction.] Swilling his kanar! 
Flirting with all the prettiest boys. [She stops spinning
and releases the Major.  They both stand, breathing hard.] 
Now, isn't that a sad ending to a sad, sad story? 

Garak [who has been sitting impassively all during this
last harangue, now rises from his seat]: If you've
finished, I would like to tell a story too.  [to Bashir and
Kira]  It's not from my personal history, like the
Intendant's tragic little narra-tive.  No, this is
something quite different.  Call it a piece of speculative
fiction.  The story I want to tell is about a Bajoran major
who came all the way from another universe only to meet
herself.  She had a Terran, but he wasn't _her_ Terran.
Actually, I don't think she liked him very much.  [Major
Kira turns to stare at him.]

Bashir [seeing where this is going, but trying to be
cool]: I feel as if I know these people.

Intendant Kira [warning]: Garak, I won't have this.

Garak: Sympathy for a Terran, Intendant?

Intendant Kira: You're making my guests uncomfortable. 
Major Kira, allow me to apologize.

Major Kira: I'm all right.  Julian?

Bashir [still embarrassed]: I'm fine.

Garak [triumphantly]: There you are, Intendant.  No harm
done.  Now, as I was saying, this Bajoran major was unhappy
in this universe, where she did not belong, and she wanted
only to return home.  But how was she going to manage it? 
Fortunately, _she_ wasn't afraid to take advantage of the
opportunities that lay before her.  She wasn't afraid to
perform...favors to get what she wanted.  But just how far
was she willing to go?

Intendant Kira: Garak, that's enough!  [Major Kira runs
out.  Bashir goes after her.]  How _could_ you? 

Garak: I did it for you, Intendant.  I thought you'd enjoy
it. Aren't blood sports to your tastes?

Intendant Kira: I don't enjoy hurting innocent people! 

Garak [snapping]: Don't pretend that _you_ are the injured
party here, Intendant!  It isn't plausible, not after these
little scenes you've put on for our guests.  You're showing
off for her--do you think I don't see that?  You even told
her about the Alliance. [Quark overhears this, but casts
his eyes down as he meekly clears the empty glasses from
the bar and pretends not to listen.]

Intendant Kira: All right, you wanted to strike back at
me, but you hurt Nerys.

Garak: It's the same thing, isn't it?  

Intendant Kira: So that's what this is all about?  [She
looks out at the darkened Promenade, where Major Kira is
headed for the turbolift. Bashir follows her, rather
unsteadily; he loses his balance and the Major catches him
as he falls to his knees.] My twin?

Garak: You know I'm right.  She's only after one thing.

Intendant Kira [smiles]: So am I.  What does it matter to
you any-way?  I've had a dozen--dozens!--like her without a
jealous word from you.  

Garak: This one is different.  I'm warning you, Kira
Nerys, if you do this-

Intendant Kira: What will you do to stop me?  Try it. 
Just try to stand in my way with her again, and I swear I
will make you sorry! I mean it, Garak. I will get you.

Garak: We'll see who gets whom. 

Intendant Kira: Is that a threat?

Garak: It's a promise.  I've sat quietly and endured the
humiliation you constantly heap upon me, but if you think
you can tear me to pieces for your guest's entertainment-

Intendant Kira: You can stand it! It's what you stay here
for, year after year!  

Garak: I've reached my limit tonight.  You have pushed me
to it. I've had enough.  

Intendant Kira [laughs]: If you had the balls, you'd have
put an end to this long ago.  [She turns and stalks out.]  

Garak: Maybe it's time I did.  [He watches as the
Intendant walks up to Major Kira and Bashir, who are still
on the Promenade; she speaks to Major Kira and tries to
lead her away, but the Major will not leave Bashir behind. 
After some discussion, the two women haul the doctor to his
feet, and drag him into the lift.  Garak turns back to the
bar.]  Quark! More kanar! [He returns to his seat as the
Ferengi pours him a drink.]

End Act II 
~*~

Act III

Intendant Kira quarters.  The door emits a series of high-
pitched beeps as Garak overrides the security seal.  He
walks in to find the sitting room in low-level lighting. 
Bashir lies asleep on the lounge.  Neither Kira is in
sight, but an orange Bajoran militia jacket lies on the
floor; Garak picks up the jacket as he crosses the room on
his way to the door of the Intendant's bedroom.  He notes
that the door is locked, then returns to sit at the foot of
the lounge.  After a minute or two, he sighs and turns to
consider the sleeping human, then gently lays one hand on
Bashir's flank.

Bashir [waking up at the touch]: Uh- what?

Garak: Do you know where your Kira is?

Bashir: Not _my_ Kira.

Garak: Whoever she belongs to--do you know where she is? 

Bashir [lifts his head to look around the room]: I think
she went off with the Intendant.  They wanted to talk,
'bout girl stuff. [His head drops back to the cushions.]

Garak [laughs]: You really don't know, do you?  You don't
know what's going on in there.  [He nods to indicate the
bedroom door.] What your Major Kira's doing to ensure that
she gains the Intendant's good favor.

Bashir: Major Kira wouldn't do that.

Garak: Wouldn't she?  Well, you know her better than I do.
Perhaps they are only engaging in 'girl talk' and wanted a
little privacy. [He looks over the young man sprawled out
before him.]  Now, what about you, Terran?  What, I wonder,
would _you_ do to guarantee your freedom?  [He reaches for
Bashir.]

Bashir: Don't touch me!

Garak [drawing back quickly]: I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to
frighten you.  But why shouldn't we amuse ourselves?  After
all, our respect-ive Kiras are in there, and you and I
are...out here.

Bashir: I've never done that.  

Garak: Never?  A pretty Terran like you?

Bashir: 'S true.  People always think that about me, but
I'm not-  I don't- I'm too afraid.  I don't want to be
hurt.  [He curls, head to his knees.]  Don't-! [as Garak
tries to touch him again.]  I'm afraid of being hurt.

Garak: I'm not going to hurt you.

Bashir: That's just what he'd say.  [He rolls to his
side.]  I know he wants it.  I can see it in his eyes, the
way he looks at me...

Garak: Who? Whose eyes?

Bashir [continuing over the interruption]: I _know_ what
he'd like. He wants me that way, and it scares me. 

Garak: _Who_? [then, understanding]  Your Garak?

Bashir: My Garak.  [He rolls over and hangs his head over
the side of the lounge.]  I think I'm gonna be sick.

Garak [to himself]: I should have realized... [to Bashir]
You haven't told him this?  He doesn't know?

Bashir: No.  I always hold him back, pretend I don't see. 
[He struggles to push himself up.  Garak takes him by the
arm to help him; Bashir doesn't resist this time.  As he
turns to sit up, he finds himself nose-to-nose with the
Cardassian, and looks into his eyes.]  It's not that I
don't wonder about it too, sometimes, but I never let him
touch me.

Garak: Maybe it's time you did.  [He draws closer.  Their
mouths almost meet, and then Bashir pulls back abruptly.]

Bashir: What was that beeping noise?

Garak: [puzzled] What-?

Bashir: _Beeping_.  What was it?  Was there a message?

Garak: Message... [He releases Bashir as an idea begins to
form.] Yes.  That's what it was.  An urgent message just
arrived from our superiors on Yla Prime.  The Terran rebels
have laid siege to the capitol city, and have finally
broken through its defensive shields. They were storming
the gates of the Council of Ministers' chambers when the
message ended abruptly.  I'm afraid the Council may all be
dead.

Bashir: Oh, no.  That's awful!

Garak: Yes, isn't it?  It seems that the rebellion has
been success-ful.  The heart of the Alliance is in ruins,
and the Intendant doesn't know about it yet.  She doesn't
realize that the government that put her in her exalted
position of authority is gone.  [He grins at the thought.]

Bashir: That's- er- Ulp- [His hand quickly covers his
mouth.]  Excuse me.  [He runs out of the room.  Garak
barely notices Bashir's exit; he remains seated on the
lounge, forming his plans, and does not look up until the
bedroom door opens and Major Kira emerges, wearing the
bodysuit of her uniform.  She picks up her jacket from the
floor and puts it on.]

Major Kira [looking around the room]: Where's Dr. Bashir? 
What have you done with him?

Garak: Nothing, my dear.  He's your Terran, after all.  I
wouldn't dream of infringing on _your_ territory unless I
had gained your permission first.  

Major Kira: Then where is he?

Garak: Dr. Bashir has had a little too much to drink.  The
last time I saw him, he was headed for the 'fresher. I
expect you'll find him lying on the floor.  [Kira goes to
check.] I wouldn't worry about him, Major--he's probably
happier in there.  Did you enjoy your 'mirror' experience?

Major Kira [sitting beside him on the lounge and letting
her head fall to her hands]: I don't know what's wrong with
me tonight.  I can't just say it's because I've been
drinking.  I feel like I've lost my mind.  Is this place
actually a madhouse?

Garak [smiling]: Ah, you're not far wrong.

Major Kira: I don't know when you people are lying, or
telling the truth.

Garak: You're not supposed to.  That's the point.

Major Kira: I must be insane. That almost made sense. 
[She lifts her head and studies him.] You feel threatened
by me, Garak--Why?

Garak: Why?  Because you are ambitious, as I was.

Major Kira: My 'ambitions' aren't the same as yours.  I
don't want to take over anything.  I just want to get away
from here.  I'll do whatever I have to to get us out of
this place.

Garak: Anything?

Major Kira: Anything.

Garak: You _say_ that, but I suspect you don't really mean
it.  My dear Major, you have no idea what that word means. 
I do.  In my long and illustrious career, I have
occasionally been expected to do 'anything' in order to
succeed.  

Major Kira: According to the Intendant, you couldn't do it. 

Garak: And yet, Intendant Kira has asked more from me than
anyone else.  Believe me, you don't want to know what
'anything' entails, especially where _she_ is concerned. 
Do you think you can convince her to let you go?  You think
she can be reasoned with?  Bargained with?  Placated?  [He
shakes his head]  I wouldn't depend on it. You're her new
plaything.  The perfect match she's been looking for for so
long.  Why should she release you when you're so much more
fun than all her old toys?

Major Kira: Like you, Garak? [pause] Why do let her treat
you that way?  

Garak: It is the role I chose to play, at our Intendant's
bidding. As she has already informed you, I have an odd
sense of loyalty, and she can be quite a persuasive woman--
I'm sure you understand the appeal, Major.  

Major Kira: But _why_?  Why do you stay?  Why don't you...?

Garak: Kill her?

Major Kira: She says you've tried to.

Garak: Yes.  I must admit, I think about it often.  You
don't know how often I've considered it.  Sometimes, the
thought is the only thing that sustains me.  It would be
more merciful for us all.  It would put an end to this
farce.  [He smiles suddenly]  Aren't you taking a great
risk in telling me your plans, Major?  I might go straight
to the Intendant and repeat every word.

Major Kira: You could, but it wouldn't get you what you
want.

Garak: And what do you think that is?

Major Kira: You want us gone--_me_ gone.  

Garak: I can't deny it.

Major Kira: Why not help us then?  It's the quickest way
to get rid of me.

Garak: Not the quickest way, Major.

Major Kira [stares at him, eyes wide]: Wh- what do you mean?

Garak: You'll see... [He turns to look up as the bedroom
door opens and Intendant Kira comes out, wearing a mouse-
gray robe.]  Intendant, I think it's time we brought this
delightful evening to a close.  Say 'farewell' to your
guests... 

Intendant Kira: I'm not finished yet.

Garak: Yes, you are.  You just don't realize it.  [He
looks around.] But we're missing one of our party.  Major,
will you bring your Terran back in--if he feels up to it. 
[Major Kira leaves the room.]

Intendant Kira [impatiently]: All right, Garak--What is it
you're planning now?

Garak: I'm going to put an end to this.  I promised I
would, even if you didn't believe me.  [The Intendant
stares at him.  Major Kira returns with Bashir, who looks
pale, sick, and bedraggled.]  You've had your fun, my dear,
playing with your twin, but the game is over now.  I am
tired.  Your guests are tired.  I'm sure they just want to
go home.

Bashir [moaning as he slumps down into the nearest chair]:
I want to go home.

Garak: And you will, soon.  Home to your own universe,
your own Terek Nor...and your own Garak?  [Bashir lifts his
head and looks at him; Garak nods.]  But before we send you
on your way, there is one last thing we have to finish
here. [to the Intendant, who is still staring at him; she
looks almost afraid now.] Intendant, you were going to tell
Major Kira all about the Alliance.  Why don't you do so now?

Intendant Kira [with sudden reluctance]: I don't want to...

Garak [firmly]: But _I_ want you to.  [They meet each
other's eyes for a long minute, and the Intendant sits
down.]

Intendant Kira: Yes, all right.  [Major Kira's mouth drops
open at this unexpected acquiescence.] 

Garak: You'll want a fresh drink for this.  [He orders
another blaster from the replicator, and brings it to the
seat the Inten-dant has chosen.  She takes it and gulps it
down without hesitation.] Ready?  Why don't you tell her
what the Alliance meant to you? 

Intendant Kira: All right.  [She composes herself, hands
folded in her lap.]  You have to understand what it was
like for us.  Bajor was in ruins.  The Terran Empire had
conquered our world over a cen-tury ago.  The planet had
been strip-mined, and the Bajorans were in slave-labor
camps.  It seemed like a miracle when their Empire suddenly
crumbled, and the former overlords were at our mercy.  Now,
they were _our_ slaves.  We sent them to the mines, forced
them to rebuild the world they had plundered so callously. 
It took us 50 years to recover from what they'd done to us,
but when we ready, we petitioned to join the Alliance. 

Garak: It was a great honor when Bajor was accepted.

Intendant Kira: A great honor.  It proved to us that we
had a place in the Galaxy, that the Bajor of the old
legends had _not_ been for-gotten.  A new B'hala would rise
from the ruins.  

Garak [quoting]: 'Ah, B'hala, how thy glory has
diminished./ The shining-spired towers have fallen into
dust./ Beloved city, I weep to find thee finished...'

Intendant Kira [wryly, without looking at him]: You knew
the poem all along. [to Major Kira]  The Alliance helped us
achieve our goal. Bajor was once again a power to be
reckoned with.  [dreamily]  In due time, I was placed in
charge of this space station.  I take my responsibilities
seriously.  Very seriously.  It is my sacred duty to defend
it, to die before I let Terek Nor fall into enemy hands.  

Garak: And you've done your duty well.  What a pity that
it's all over.

Intendant Kira [looks up at him sharply]: All over?  What
do you mean, Garak?

Garak: I mean, Intendant, that a message arrived while you
were... occupied with the Major.  A message from Yla Prime.

Intendant Kira [suspiciously]: The Council?

Garak: The Council.  The Terran rebels have assaulted the
capitol and I believe all the ministers were killed.  

Intendant Kira:  All of them?  Jaro, Duras, Ghemor...?

Garak: All dead, Intendant.  Every one.  You know how
brutal Terrans can be.

Intendant Kira:  No!  You can't do that!

Major Kira: He couldn't have done anything, Intendant.  He
doesn't control the fate of the universe.

Garak: That's right, Major.  I don't control the fate of
the uni-verse.  I'm merely reporting the sad truth.  [to
Bashir]  You were right here when the message arrived.  You
heard it, didn't you?

Bashir [still dazed and nauseous]: I heard a beeping
noise.  Was that a message coming in?

Garak: Yes, that's exactly what it was.  Don't you remember?

Bashir [shakes his head]: I remember you saying so.

Garak: Yes, I said so.  

Intendant Kira: No!

Major Kira [looking from one to the other in amazement]:
You-  [She begins to understand.]  Oh, by the Prophets-

Intendant Kira: You can't do this!

Garak: But, my dear, I have done it.

Major Kira: By the Prophets, I think I know what's going
on here.

Garak [glancing briefly in her direction]: Do you, Major?  

Intendant Kira [rising from her chair]: I'll make you
regret this, Garak!  I'll have you strung up on the
Promenade and flayed alive! My guards will shoot your
bloody remains to ashes!

Garak [pleasantly]: You'll do no such thing. 

Intendant Kira: You-  [She stares at him, wild eyed, but
ultimately checked.  She bursts into tears and flings
herself to the lounge, sobbing like a thwarted child.] 

Major Kira [tentatively]: This Alliance of yours...it
doesn't exist, does it?

Garak: It did, once.  It fell years ago, when the Terrans
rebelled. All that remains are a few small outposts, such
as this one.

Major Kira: But why this ruse?

Garak: We tried to keep up the illusion.  Some of us are
still loyal to the old ways, and to our Intendant. [He
moves to stand over the sobbing Intendant.] But it is time
for this game to end.

Intendant Kira: No!  You didn't have to do it! 

Garak: Yes, I did.  You left me no other choice.

Intendant Kira [lifting her head to look up at him]: _Why_?

Garak: Because you told an outsider.  The illusion could
only hold up as long as we looked at it from the inside, as
long as no one made us see things as they really were.

Intendant Kira: You just wanted to get rid of my Major!

Garak: Well, yes, that too.

Major Kira: We'll- ah- be going now.  [Neither Garak nor
the Intendant responds.  She takes Bashir by the arm.]
Julian, come on.  [Quietly, they slip out.]

Intendant Kira: I'll make you pay for this, Garak.  I will
kill you this time--I mean it!

Garak [more gently this time]: No, you won't.  You don't
have the power anymore.  Your every command may have
brought terror to thou-sands once upon a time, but that
time is gone.  Who's afraid of Intendant Kira?  No one, my
dear.  No one.

~end~