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 Sweet Baby Whore - Chapter 6
By:Ginny

   (MM/gg, pedo, beast/gg, cons)

   This is the sixth and perhaps last chapter of the addendum to my
five-part "My Name Is" Autobiography, I don't know yet if I will continue
with this title.  In any event, I do know I will continue to write more
about my life.  This series extends the time period not covered within my
first Autobiographical writings.  I would ask you to review Chapters 4 and
5 of "Sweet Baby Whore" prior to reading this chapter.

   Chapter 6:

   Sunlight was all too rapidly working its way across the floor from our
bedroom window providing just enough light to cause my eyelids to flutter a
little.  My body ached and the throbbing in my head was an unpleasant
reminder of the wine, whisky and exquisite sex from the evening before.

   Ashley was curled up in the fetal position with her tiny boobs pressed
against my back.  Her arm lay across my waist just below my ribcage, with
her hand resting gently on my own small right boob.  She was pressing her
pubic mound firmly against the cheeks of my ass trying to retain our body
heat and fend off the early morning cool air.

   It was a morning not that unusual from a summer that will live in my
memory forever.  Some will question if it is possible for two 12-year-old
girls to experience the passion of love for each other.  For me there is no
question what so ever.

   Ashley and I became lovers that year; we were lovers then, and some 28
years later (to this very day), we continue to be lovers.  To you
disbelievers, our friendship has not faulted.  Ashley is still the only
person beside my husband and either of my parents that I would trust with
my life or the long term care of my children.

   We were also at that time, very vibrant, enthusiastic, exciting, fully
involved, pedo fuck toys.  Pre-teen whores if you like.

   If you get a thrill out of calling a 12-year-old a whore then have at
it.

   I intensely dislike that word but there is no other way to say it or to
get around it.  Men, many, many, many men, had paid to have sex with us. 
They paid our parents for the opportunity and pleasure of fucking us.

   In addition to the above confession, private pedo film collectors had
hired us, both separately and as a two-girl team, to make pedo sex movies.
We had been doing that for well over three years.  We were experienced and
good, very, very good.

   Ashley started to make sounds and began to move slightly trying to shake
off the cloak of sleep, I reach back and stroked her leg, then rolled over
so we were face to face.  I kissed her gently on her lips whispered that
she was beautiful then jumped her bones.  Her reaction was to grab her
pillow and swing it in my general direction.  Ashley was awake.

   The horseplay didn't last that long.  We soon found ourselves sitting on
the edge of our bed going over the events of the evening before.  The
Vaseline we had massaged onto our pussies had rubbed off on the sheets over
night.  The `Preparation H' we put up our bum holes was now smeared between
the cheeks of our respective asses and the events of the past night came
flooding back.  It was time for a shower.

   "Well, are you going to have that talk with your Mom?"

   I remembered how the evening had ended, our Mothers had told Ashley and
me that the two guys were impressed at how well we could handle their
sexual appetite and they would be back soon to double fuck the both of us.
I began to wonder how much our Mom's were charging.

   Ashley and I spent a long time in the shower.  I scrubbed her and she
scrubbed me.  We cleaned of the remaining residue of Vaseline from each
other's pussy and the `Preparation H' from between the cheeks of our ass.
We washed each other's hair soaped up each other's legs, pussy, and boobs
that were just beginning to show, then, rinsed and toweled each other off.
We came out of the bathroom in our bathrobes and towels around our heads,
walked into the kitchen and saw that breakfast was on the table.

   Our Mom's were there yakking away with big smiles on their faces.  When
they saw us at the table the smiles changed to apologetic expressions.  "We
should have told you."

   There has only been one time in my life that I talked back to my Mother.
It was when I had my first period and my hormones were raging.  But right
then, at the breakfast table with Mom and Aunt Jude in front of Ashley and
me, I wanted to go off like a rocket and scream or something but, I had
then and still have now too much respect for her, so I bit my tongue and
kept my anger inside.

   I looked down at the table, picked up my coffee cup, lifted my head and
(I think very calmly) responded to her comment; "yes you should have, Daddy
would have, Daddy always explains what's going on"

   Ashley and I got big genuine hugs from our Moms; "it won't ever happen
again girls, never again." Tears flowed, hands were held, cheeks were
patted, tears wiped away, and all was forgiven.  Not forgotten, forgiven
yes, but not forgotten.

   Ashley looked at her Mom and asked the question " When will the two men
be back, did you give them a date and time?"

   "They'll be here late this afternoon we already have the `play room'
set. What they want is to double penetrate the two of you, both of them in
one of you then, the both of them in the other.  One time each, it's
nothing you haven't done 50 times before."

   This was true; at the time, taking two cocks at the same time was one of
the most pleasurable self-satisfying sexual acts I had discovered.  My mood
started to change and I became almost civil again.  I loved the feeling of
a cock up my ass and a second cock in my pussy.  Each had its own distinct
pleasure associated with it.  To have it happen at the same time was
extraordinarily erotic and had successfully brought me to climax time and
time again.

   It promised to be an enjoyable late afternoon session in the `Play
Room.'

   Now, the `Play Room' was something new.  It was a small spare bedroom
with perhaps 6 (I can't honestly remember) single bed mattresses covering
the floor so you could flop around trying out different positions without
banging into to anything or falling off a standard bed.  The mattresses
were covered with plastic.  The plastic was covered with cotton sheets sewn
together and tucked under the mattresses on the floor; kind of like a pure
sex romper room.

   It was my Dad's idea; leave it up to the male mind to come up with
something like that.  There were towels, different kinds of lube, some
massage oils, pillows, a selection of vibrators (plural), a selection of
dildos (plural), short lengths of soft (very soft) cotton rope, and a blind
fold or two and, a spreader bar all within easy reach.  There wasn't too
much consenting people couldn't do in that little room.

   Nevertheless, that afternoon would be the one and only time that Ashley
or I entertained `guests' in that room.  There was just something about it
that didn't feel right.  I still can't explain it.

   When it came to Ashley and I having sex with each other or with a
`guest' and, when it was to be performed in front of others, we would
rather use the kitchen table or perform in the living room.  When we
(Ashley and I) wanted private sex just with each other, we would retreat to
our bedroom.

   Mom and Dad would never leave us alone with an adult(s) who was/were
having sex with us or, just me or, just Ashley.  One or both were always
there.

   I think Dad changed it back to a functional spare bedroom just before I
left for college.

   The morning drifted into mid afternoon and soon it was time for us to
get ready for the two men who evidently loved to screw 12-year-old pussy.

   Ashley and I showered again; making sure our peach fuzz pussy hair was
completely removed, the two men had made it very clear that they wanted
girls with no tits and bald `cunts.'

   Well, there was something we could do about the peach fuzz but you can't
hide the fact that the both of us were starting to show boobs.

   I knew inside me that we would soon (in a matter of a few months) no
longer fit the preferred body type of pedo lovers (flat chest, bald pussy
and, at least look like we were between 8 and 10).  Mother nature always
has a way of marching on.  My boobs were developing and Ashley's were
developing, there was no way we could hide that fact.

   We took great care in styling our hair, using a hint of perfume on our
necks, throats, and budding boobs with slightly more around our clit hoods
and pussy lips.  Then, on with the lipstick.  Flame red for me and deep
purple for Ashley.

   We put on our see-through bathrobes, thigh-high, stockings (complete
with matching garter belt which was another request) then sat down to wait,
just like working girls in a whorehouse.

   The sun coming through the kitchen window caught Ashley just right,
allowing you to see the delicate gleam of the gold loops pierced though
each of her not quite fully formed nipples.  This was possible even through
the transparent fabric of her bathrobe.

   My God, how could anyone not want to fuck that beautiful sexual
creature? She was still deeply tanned from her trip to California and she
had the slim, well-toned body of a youthful athlete.  I caught her eye and
silently mouthed the words "I love you." She locked her eyes to mine,
smiled and echoed those same silent words back to me.

   The knock on the back door was almost to faint for us to hear but it
signaled the arrival of the two men who wanted our asses and our pussies
for as long as they could last.  Their afternoon delight was about to
start.

   Mom and Jude welcomed them into the kitchen and instructed them to use
the upstairs shower then wait in the special room.  If they wanted, they
could wrap a towel around themselves, as we had no robes for their use. 
When they walked past Ashley and me on the way to the stairs each made an
attempt to reach out and flip open our bathrobes.

   In all probability, I will never completely understand the male psyche.
There we were, for all intent and purpose, as nude as the day we were born
covered only with what amounted to some see through gauze and it wasn't
enough for them.  They had to reach out and try to see what was under a see
through garment.

   As an aside, when I was working strip clubs, I would be fully nude on
the stage and the guys sitting at the rail would be gabbing to each other,
not even glancing in my direction.  But the men would be climbing all over
the girls at the bar who 9 times out of 10, were covered with only a small
wrap.

   I don't know, it's just one of those things I guess.  If a girl is naked
there's no mystery, put something on and they have to see what its covering
up.  So I changed the type of club I worked.  No more full nude clubs.  I
needed to be looked at and I loved the attention.

   We heard the shower turn on then a minuet or two later turned off.  We
knew that the two men were almost ready so Ashley and I got up, did a
little twirl and inspection of each other, kissed our moms, then started up
the stairs.

   The two of them were reclined on the mattress-covered floor with a towel
over their respective groin areas looking over all the equipment that was
scattered around the room.  They looked rather quizzical and almost a
little ill at ease, almost if they were slightly out of their element.  It
was quite a change from their posture of only yesterday when they sent
Ashley and me to bed with raw pussies and sore rectums.

   Then it came to me that it must be the makeup of the room.  Yesterday
they were in control, today this room screamed that we were in control,
this was our territory this room was where Ashley and I set the rules. 
Interesting, these guys actually perceived that two 12-year-olds were now
fully in charge.

   This impression had to change quickly if we were to have anything close
to a good time.  Mom's `friend' and Ashley's California "benefactor" wanted
a romp with two 12-year-old fuck toys, the men had to feel that they were
in control if this was to happen.

   In my best 12-year-old sultry voice I purred as best it could "who wants
to tie me up?" "I like it that way, you can do anything you want when I'm
tied up and helpless"

   Bingo, mood change, men in control again.

   Both guys removed their towels, really looked around the room, spotted
the soft cotton ropes, and smaller types of plugs that could, with some
effort, be made to open up a pre-teen fuck toy's ass.  I could tell they
had experience with young pussy because they knew what would fit.

   I guess, because I spoke up, I was to be the first recipient of both of
their cocks.  After all, that's why they were here, to double fuck the both
of us.

   Mom's `friend' the one with the cock bigger than my fathers pulled me
over to him.  The other guy, Ashley's California fuck buddy, already was on
his back with his legs wide apart.  I was lifted up on my knees placed
between the open legs of the guy on his back.  He pulled me down on top of
him so my chest was on his chest.  Then Mom's `friend' lifted my hips so my
ass was up.  My ass was the target, and his cock was already up against my
rosebud.  I heard the guy in back of me, the one who had his cock up
against my ass hole, say "ok whore your gonna get fucked." His cock forced
its way into my anal cavity before he finished the word "Fucked."

   Now, I had this guys cock in me just the night before with out any
problems, but, this time he really slammed it home and none too gently
either.  The thing I enjoy most about anal fucking is that you can feel
every bit of the cock as it passes into you.  That's where my pleasure
comes from, that, and the feeling of being stretched open.  A slow steady
penetration of my as is what I love.  No such thing this time.  Oh, I was
stretched, but there was no pleasure associated with it.

   One thrust was followed by another they were quick, hard and brutal.  He
was intentionally hurting me.  With each thrust of his cock into my ass he
would grunt the word "whore."

   I pushed myself off the chest of the guy under me so I was half way up.
Ashley guided the guy's cock up against my pussy and I lowered myself down
and there it was, one cock deep in my ass and a second one just passing
into my pussy.  Once the second cock was in my cunt I lowered myself down
onto it.

   I had two cocks in me but the pleasure wasn't there.  These guys just
wanted to get themselves off and to hell with either Ashley or me.  They
guy in my cunt was thrusting the same way the guy in my ass was.  He would
slam his cock balls deep into my pussy the result of which was to bounce me
up off his hips, and then the guy in my ass would make his thrust and drive
me forward.

   It didn't take a genius to figure out that their goal was to use me up
and through me out with the trash.  I totally knew what was happening and
clamped down as hard as I could to try my best to get these two guys off
quickly.

   It evidently worked because I felt the guy in my pussy explode and pump
his cum.  You can't feel that in your ass but I felt Mom's `friend' drive
his cock balls deep with a thrust that nearly pushed me over.  I knew he
had finished.

   I had busted their cookies as quickly as I could.  They had hurt me and
I was pissed.  Ashley understood what was going on and called for her Mom.
My Mom and `Aunt' Jude must have made it up the stairs in a matter of
seconds because they were both in the doorway with fire in their eyes.

   I had collapsed on one of the mattresses and Ashley was holding me. 
Jude and Mom somewhat less than diplomatically requested the two men leave
without taking the time to gather their clothing.  It was an abrupt ending
to a session that had turned very nasty.

   I was bleeding from my rectum and my pussy.  Cum was starting to mix
with the blood and the spot on the sheet under my ass was kind of pink, my
vagina was contracting with sharp painful spasms damn it, I was hurt again.


   The entire summer spent recovering from the videoed gangbang in New
Mexico was down the tubes.  Maybe the talk was right I was nothing more
than a whore, a 12-year-old whore who was good for one thing, fucking.

   Ashley held me, wiped my tears away with her fingers, and then made sure
I was comfortable so her Mom could examine me.  I later learned that she
got up, walked down stairs, fired up the SSB radio and contacted my father.
Dad was on the way home.

   Aunt Jude thought a trip to the hospital was necessary however it
wouldn't be prudent, just too many questions.  wSo Aunt Jude played doctor.
For the second year in a row I would miss the first days of the new school
year.

   Mom and I had to have a chat, just where in hell was she finding these
guys?  What was most confusing was the way Ashley's California "benefactor"
had acted.  I mean, that man had screwed Ashley for over a month and
according to her; he was a good man not the animal that tried to drive his
cock up into my innards.

   Dad made it home in three days.  During that time he and Mom talked each
night on the RT (radio telephone).  By the time he docked the word had gone
out on the two guys.  You would be surprised at how quickly the union can
put the word out down the coast from Washington State to California.

   Once again my homeroom teacher would stop off each afternoon and drop
off my homework assignments.  I had planned to audition for the glee club
but that was out of the question now.  So, it was reading, writing long
sensual letters to Ashley, watching one hour of TV a day and studying.  But
I was allowed to listen to the marine radio.  Which was really like a soap
opera.

   I lost two full weeks of classes.  It was September 22 when Jude gave me
permission to go back to school.

   When things had settled down and we were all in somewhat of a routine
again, Jude and Ashley came over.  It was the first weekend of October. 
Jude took me out to the back steps where we sat down and looked out over
the boat basin.  In a calm and loving voice she told me that it was her
medical opinion that I would be biologically unable to have children, ever.


   Now, I was 12 years old at the time and really didn't know the true
ramifications of that statement.  I couldn't appreciate the absoluteness of
what my `adopted' Aunt had told me, I didn't know what to say in response
or, what was expected of me.  So I cried.

   Ashley and I slept together that night, holding each other close,
crying.

   The following Monday evening Jude called Mom and let her know that
Ashley's adventure in New Mexico was all set for the week of October 20th.
It was the first vacation of the school year.  The `collector' had approved
plane fare for Jude, Ashley, Mom and me.  Ashley was going to get her
chance at both sucking off and getting screwed by a pony.  To say she was
excited would be a gross understatement.

   I remembered the scenery leading up to the ranch; the small twists in
the road, rock outcroppings, what seemed to me miles of white fencing, it
wasn't that long ago that this was where I was videoed having that
`special' gang bang.  But this was Ashley's party.

   The `collector' and the `secretary' met us at the main house where we
dropped off our luggage and enjoyed a small mid afternoon lunch.  The
`collector' then brought us out to the stable where Ashley got to see her
three ponies.  Filming would start the next morning.

   Ashley and I shared the same bed that night, as did Mom and `Aunt' Jude.
I don't think any of us got much sleep.

   We all met in the stable after breakfast, there were two cameras, two
men to help with the ponies, and us.  Ashley got undressed and really to
enjoy the eyes of the men, which, were, glued to her every movement.  She
left her boots on (they were steel toed); there was to be no taking any
chances of being stepped on.

   Someone had already placed a saddle blanket on the hay covered flooring
of the stable next to the first of the three ponies.

   Ashley got down on her knees and started to stroke the pony's flank and
then his cock.  The two men held the bridle to control any movement of the
animal.  It didn't take any time at all for the pony's cock to grow and get
firm.  Ashley reached under and pulled the cock over to her mouth, opened
her lips and licked it.

   She reached under her own crotch and started to finger her pussy.  The
cameramen went nuts trying to focus in on her fingering of her own cunt and
her licking of the pony's cock.

   Ashley got on her knees under the belly of the pony and, with both
hands, took his cock, opened her mouth as wide as she could and started to
suck him off.

   She tried to get some of his cock into her mouth but although she did
manage to squeeze his cock head between her lips, she just couldn't handle
getting any more than that fully into her mouth.  So, she had to be
satisfied with just sucking on the cock head and then tonguing the full
length of the pony's cock.

   I thought the cameramen and the two stable hands handling the pony were
going to cum in their pants.

   It wasn't long before she had a face full of pony cum.  She moved the
cock head all over her face and chest while the pony pumped his cum (maybe
a good three squirts) on her.  The collector had what she wanted on the
first try.

   With out any time to wash off the fresh pony cum Ashley was told to move
on to the next pony.  Which she did with a smile on her face that would
have lit up the entire stable.  She was in her element and having a sexual
experience worthy of the best bestiality coinsure.

   The second pony took a little longer than the first but the outcome was
the same, pony cum on her face, in her hair, dripping down her chest and
rubbed into her cunt.

   The morning was over.  Ashley had sucked off two ponies, was covered in
animal cum and had enjoyed every second of it, which made me want to try
it. So, I asked both Ashley and the collector if I could.  They both said
yes.  I thought my Mom would have a convulsion right there on the spot. 
But, I wanted some of the excitement that my soul mate was enjoying.

   It was decided that when Ashley was all set to get fucked by the third
pony I was going to get him ready by sucking him off.  Mom was not a happy
camper.

   Lunch was brought out to the crew and to us.  Ashley covered herself
with a blouse over her shoulders but she remained naked except for her
boots.

   No one could talk Ashley into taking a shower and washing the pony cum
off.  She thought the video would be more erotic if she was still covered
in cum when the pony fucked her.  All Jude did was smile and nodded her
head as if she knew what her daughter was thinking.

   The animal cum matting her hair, covering her chest, and dripping from
her crotch was starting to dry.  It was getting rather "fragrant" and
attracting flying things.  So we moved `operations' outside which meant
different lenses, and problems for the cameramen.

   When it was time to go for the pony screwing, a bench was brought out to
where things had been set up.

   Now for the uninitiated when a real horse or pony fuck takes place there
is a special bench that's used.  It's kind of like a picnic table bench
only a little wider and a lot lower to the ground.

   The object is for the woman (girl), (cunt) to lie on her back on this
bench and balance herself with her feet resting on the ground on either
side of the bench.  The pony or the horse is then lead over her so they are
belly to belly, so to speak.  And, the animal's cock is at the right angle
and height to match up with her cunt.

   The girl, woman, (cunt), then reaches back over her head and shoulders
and braces herself by gripping a special hand grip anchored to the bench,
palms of the hand facing back.  So, when the animal makes a thrust the cunt
isn't pushed off the bench.  (Sorry for the crude language but that's they
way it's done)

   The bench was moved out under a tree outside of the stable.  I undressed
and got on the far side of the bench.  (The other side of the bench so
Ashley would be between the camera and me and I wouldn't block anything she
would do or the pony would do to her.  In other words, I was in the
background) Ashley made herself as comfortable as possible and the pony was
walked over her.

   It was, to me anyway, an extremely erotic scene.  Two 12-year-old naked
girls, ready to make it with a pony.  How cool is that?

   There were two men holding the bridle, one on either side of the pony. I
took the pony's cock in my hands and started to massage it (give it a hand
job).  It wasn't that long before it grew in length and just hung out there
on it's own; a real nice `woody.'

   I pulled the cock over to my mouth and started to tongue its tip. 
Strange, the pony's pre-cum tasted kind of metallic, that is if it was
pre-cum.  It could have been pony piss but I had no idea, this was my first
time doing anything like this (with an animal).

   I kept up my hand job and licking the tip for a good 5 minuets then one
of the two guys who were holding the bridle said the pony was ready.  I
guided his cock up to Ashley's cunt and tried to prepare her, you know, by
using two fingers and a thump to get her cunt lips open.  As soon as that
pony's cock was firmly up against her pussy it went nuts.

   It made four or five quick deep thrusts.  Ashley was almost driven off
the bench with each of them.  She lifted her feet off the ground and tried
to wrap her legs around the pony's body.  He actually lifted her off the
bench when he buried his cock with the last thrust he made.

   Ashley had been pony fucked and it was all on videotape.  The collector
was ecstatic.  Ashley was screaming, "I did it, I did it, I did it." Best
of all, I managed to catch some of the pony's cum in one of my hands as the
pony was backed off and his cock slid out of Ashley's cunt.

   Ashley was grabbing her pussy with both hands, and then she fell off the
bench.  I didn't know it at the exact moment it happened but this was not a
good scene.

   The pony was being taken away, Ashley was on the ground holding her
cunt, and I was still rubbing the cum I had managed to acquire over my face
and boobs.  The camera managed to catch everything.

   I got down on the grass with Ashley and was about to cover her in kisses
when she whispered, "I'm hurt."

   Oh God!  I screamed for `Aunt' Jude and my Mom.  My best friend in the
entire world, my lover, and my soul mate had been pony fucked all right,
she had been damn near impaled.  Shit!

   We all helped Ashley move ever so slowly over to the main house.  Mom
and I made ourselves busy by giving Ashley a sponge bath cleaning off all
the animal cum.  Mom rinsed and cleaned her matted hair while Aunt Jude
gave her daughter a quick vaginal exam.

   Jude determined that there was extensive bruising of the vaginal wall
along with a still growing hematoma at the entrance to her uterus.  These
would be painful but they would not be of any lasting consequence if
treated quickly and properly to prevent her from throwing any clots.  We
had to get Ashley home as rapidly as possible.

   I was still nude with my own dried animal cum covering my face and chest
sitting on the floor in front of the main fireplace.  I smelled like a muck
bucket from the stables.

   My arms were wrapped around my knees and all I was doing was rocking
back and forth on my butt.  Mom later told me I was in shock.  I couldn't
handle seeing the person I loved so deeply in so much pain.

   Aunt Jude had the lady collector phone up the airport and book us on the
next flight home, which turned out to be in four hours.  This meant we
would be home in eight hours.

   Aunt Jude made a dash out to the cabin we all were staying in and
grabbed her medical bag then returned to the bedlam that was still going on
in the main house.  Jude gave her daughter a shot to ease the pain and
something else to help relax her then, some aspirin.  Then we all got super
busy packing up and heading back to the Airport, which just happened to be
in Texas.

   We landed at our airport in Washington State at 10:00 PM and were all
home at Aunt Jude's house by 11:30.  After I made sure Ashley was in her
own bed and resting as best she could I took my shower.  OK, the truth be
known, Ashley wouldn't let me near here until I scrubbed myself from top to
bottom.  She told me I smelled like the inside of a wet sock and that was
being kind.
Epilogue:
I spent the rest of our school vacation with Ashley at her house trying
my best to keep her comfortable and keep her spirits up.  She healed
quickly under her mothers care and made it back to school by midweek when
it re-opened after fall vacation.  We made a vow to each other never to go
to New Mexico ever again and to care for each other forever.  Both parts of

that vow are intact and have never been broken.

   Ashley and her Mom received a substantial bonus from the `collector' for
her performances with the ponies.  Mom and I also received a smaller
amount. We knew it was "hush money" we also knew we would never, ever do
any films for that woman again.

   Dad contacted the `secretary' and made it known not to call us when and
if the woman collector wanted any additional specialty videos.  She just
didn't care about the well being of her pedo performers as long as she got
what she wanted.

   Dad had also found out that she knew very well that the pony she had
picked out for Ashley to fuck was extremely aggressive when mating.  This
information was also passed along to the `secretary.' We later learned that
the woman collector was dropped from the secretary's client list. 
Evidently word gets around quickly in the world of specialty porn.

   To be continued ...........................I think

   I appreciate the time you have spent paging through this portion of my
life's story.  I hope you found it rewarding and it met your expectations.

   Comments are welcomed and may be sent to: thefamilytoy@hotmail.com

   Sincerely Virginia (Ginny)

   (The standard disclaimer applies) - this story is not reflective of any
person living or dead.  It does not imply that the author condones the
actions contained here within.  The characters portrayed here only live
within the neuron net of my own mind)