A common phrase in erotic fiction is buried to the hilt. Whilst it has become horribly cliched—and poor style—it is curiously rather accurate.
The word vagina is latin for sheath; and from that the entire metaphor, with the penis as a sword, piercing and plunging, finally withdrawn by the victor red with the blood of conquest, extends rather elegantly. The penis is, however, rarely referred to as a sword, and never as a blade. Indeed, I believe the closest commonly-used term is tool, or perhaps pole.
However, for some reason the phrase vorpal prick or vorpal cock popped into my head one day while musing on Jabberwocky. I didn't invent it, but to my knowledge no one has done a complete parody of Lewis Carroll's famous verse using this (there are certainly no examples known to google), so I thought I would.
Twas teenish, and the lithey girls
Did jive and tumble in the halls
All whimsy were their pretty curls
And the lone rakes outcalled
Beware the virgin lass, my son:
The lips that pout; the nails that scratch
Beware her nubbin breasts and shun
Her captious tender snatch
He took his vorpal prick in hand
And for a minxome maid he yearned
So spied was he 'neath a tumtum tree
And at a sound he turned
And as in startled stroke he stood
A virgin lass with heart a-pound
Approached him through the tulgey wood
And bore him to the ground
One-two one-two; and through; and through:
The vorpal tool her cherry plucked
With pussy red, her maidenhead
She gave him as they fucked
And hast thou laid a virgin lass?
Tell thy secret, my charmish boy
Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy
Twas teenish, and the lithey girls
Did jive and tumble in the halls
All whimsy were their pretty curls
And the lone rakes outcalled
One of the difficult things in writing this was the aggressive nature of Jabberwocky. It's a hunt during which the hero surprises the creature and cuts off its head, and the words suggests the poor wee beastie doesn't have a chance. For me to have followed this pattern would have inevitably turned sex into rape, so instead of a hunt for cunt I had to come up with an alternative story. However, I wanted to stay with the original structure and, while hardly a sophisticated verse, Jabberwocky does have a mildly complicated rhyming scheme which changes from stanza to stanza. I also wanted to make the words I used sound similar, where possible, to the original, particularly since some lent themselves so conveniently to the intended plot.
If anyone would like to suggest alternative words, rhymes, or even a complete poem, I'd like to hear from you.
jive and tumble
The original gyre, which supposedly means to spin like a gyroscope, is similar to gyrate. The Jive is a lively dance related to rock'n'roll. The tumbling could be the almost gymnastic steps in some forms of rock'n'roll dance, but it also suggests to have a tumble with, which is sex.
lone rakes
A rake (short for rakehell, related to rascal) is an immoral or dissolute person, a libertine. In old-fashioned novels, a man who seduces women might be called a rake.
lips that pout / nails that scratch
Pouting lips are a strong sexual signal. Scratches on a man's back obtained during sex are assumed to be a sign that the woman enjoyed it. This line attempts to show the girls as sexually alluring.
nubbin breasts
Her breasts are but nubbins, meaning just starting to appear, suggests immaturity. This and the previous line portray the contradictory combination of sexual impulse and naivety with which teenagers struggle.
captious tender snatch
Frumious BanderSNATCH was too good to pass up. Captious has two meanings: (1) designed to ensnare or perplex. Any boy is fascinated, which is to say captivated, by a girl's pussy. (2) apt to find fault. This is a notable trait of teenagers who are often insecure in themselves and point to faults in others as a diversion. In girls it can manifest as suggestive sexual behaviour followed by ridicule of the boys who react and attempt to take up the supposed offer.
vorpal prick in handHaving deconstructed teenaged girls, I do the same to boys, who are terribly bashful when it comes to talking with girls. I suspect many more boys would experience sex much earlier if they were able to overcome their shyness sooner, but of course masturbation gives them the satisfaction they want with much less effort or risk. Boys also often have inflated opinions of their sexual performance and of the appearances of their penises.
minxome maid / yearned
Again, manxome / minx was too good to ignore. I suspect most boys would love to meet a girl who was openly eager for sex. Of course, such girls would be labelled sluts through the loathsome double-standard, even though those applying the label probably secretly desire exactly the sex such a girl enjoys.
so spied was he / startled stroke
Masturbation is unfortunately associated with guilt in our repressed western society. Whilst fear of being caught affects girls as well, it is most acute in boys. Being caught masturbating by a girl is probably a boy's worst nightmare.
heart a-pound / approached / bore him to the ground
Following the original too closely, here, by having the boy surprise her, plunder her virginity with his vorpal prick and then scarper, is basically rape, and anyway he is too busy stroking himself to surprise anyone. Instead, it's quite clear that she wants him, and it's the girl who initiates and takes charge of the situation. Like tumble, bore has two meanings: to bear him to the ground is to push him down, but to bear is also to carry—so who is actually on top?
vorpal tool her cherry plucked
Of course the boy must have his victory and sooth his ego.
her maidenhead she gave him
It's not the victory he thinks, of course. He is not getting anything she does not want to give. Maybe this is the reason for the warning to beware the virgin lass—she might be a virgin but that doesn't mean she's innocent. The pun with head and maidenhead (hymen), is not new; it occurs in the opening scene of Romeo and Juliet.
hast thou laid / tell thy secret my charmish boy
Finally, the boy is bragging to his friends about how it happened and what (and how well) he did. They, virgins all, are eager for details which they will use to hide their own lack of experience. They must think he has some special gift for talking to girls so that he can get what they all want.