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   ==================

   Chapter 7: Explanations without recriminations...

   "Why'd they just leave?" I wondered aloud though I was speaking more for
my own benefit than anyone else's.  Sarah, Jan and I had re-clothed
ourselves and begun walking back towards camp - all in complete and utter
silence.  As that silence stretched out, I grew more and more
uncomfortable. I wanted - no, needed - to talk, to break that ribbon of
quiet into manageable chunks.  Maybe I was just looking for some assurance
that our lives hadn't irrevocably changed back in that glen or maybe I was
trying to salve my own conscience.  Either way, the distance I now felt
between myself and these two women - both of whom I cared for and one of
whom I loved - was torture.

   I could feel Sarah's eyes on me, though I didn't lift my head from the
ground to meet them.  I was more than a little worried what I might find in
those clear blue orbs.

   It was Jan who answered me, however.

   "Why who left, Michael?" she replied, her eyes joining Sarah's in
burning into my face.

   "Tony and Alex," I responded quietly.  Even the sound of their names
filled me with a cold rage I wasn't sure I was willing to face.  I began to
wonder at my own sanity in even beginning this conversation.  Yes, the
silence needed to be broken - but not at this expense.

   "They didn't 'just leave', Michael," Jan replied quietly.  "They..."

   "You mean you didn't see?!" Sarah blurted excitedly.  "Jan beat the two
of them with a big stick!  How could you have not seen that?"

   "I was..." I began, memories rising unbidden to my mind.  The swell of
her neck begged for me and the flush of her face filled me with a desire I
had never known.  The soft swell of her arms called to hold me as I watched
her swing a long piece of wood.  "The drug made me..." I stiffened further,
the embodiment of my love and lust boring painfully against the cramped
quarters within which it was contained.  "I just didn't see it, Sarah." I
could feel my face burning red with embarrassment.  I vaguely remembered
seeing Jan swinging a long stick of wood about the size of a baseball bat
but they didn't really need to know where my attention had been focused at
the time.

   A thought crossed through me, slowing my steps to a stop.  It took Sarah
and Jan a moment to notice I wasn't walking with them and then they pulled
up too.  Steeling myself, I looked at them, silently hoping not to see
hatred reflected in their eyes.  What I saw was...something.  I couldn't
easily identify it but it didn't seem to be hatred.

   "You beat them?" I asked, my eyes searching out Jan's own.  She simply
nodded at me, her face scrunched into a question.  "How?  How could you
have beat them?  You were...you had drunk that...that liquid right?"

   Another silent nod and her face scrunching even harder.

   "Then how could you resist them?" I asked.  "The...the...lust juice
affected you - I know it did.  How could you have possibly resisted them?"

   Jan's face smoothed and I watched her eyes roll...though in relief or
exasperation, I couldn't really tell.  "Weren't you even listening to Sam?"
she asked, a note of annoyance tingeing her words.  "It doesn't work like
that."

   I could only stare at her, incomprehension stamped all over my face.

   "Fine," she muttered, walking towards me slowly.  "If Tony or Alex had
come to you and started doing things with you, would you have let them?"

   "I'd have had to," I replied.  "They had me bound pretty well."

   "Forget about that," she waved her hand dismissively.  "If you had been
unbound, free, would you have let them get away with it?  Even though you
were under the influence?"

   I started to make a flippant reply but stopped as my brain began to
engage.  I thought back to the glen and being a prisoner of that strange
elixir.  Slowly, I realized that my thoughts hadn't even included the two
young men.  I was only able to concentrate on Jan and, to a lesser extent,
Sam.  The twins hadn't even really been part of my consciousness.

   Slowly, I shook my head.  "No...I don't think so.  That would still
have...sickened me, a little."

   "Exactly," Jan smiled.  "Whatever power that liquid has doesn't work
that way.  It doesn't enslave you to your desires...it just opens the door
to them.  It removes all of your inhibitions, all of your questions of
morality, all of your worries and doubts and allows you the freedom to act
on your passions.

   "I was able to attack Tony and Alex because they didn't understand that
either," she continued.  "They thought the potion would let them have sex
with whomever they wanted - and the first few times it evidently did but
only because the desire was already there with Sarah and Sam." Sarah's eyes
turned toward the ground and she looked ashamed.  "Whatever desires I may
or may not have felt for them cooled, however, when I heard Sam's story -
and I'm sure it was the same for Sarah," Jan amended.  "There was only one
per...man, I wanted to have sex with in that glen...Alex and Tony were just
in the way of that."

   Slowly, understanding crept through me.  "So, it wouldn't work if you
didn't already want the person in the first place, right?"

   Jan just nodded a little smile at me.  Sarah remained silent, her eyes
glued to the ground.

   "So, once you were under they thought you were safe...but you weren't
because, although you were feeling the lust, you weren't lusting for them?'

   "Exactly," Jan grinned.  "I don't want to give you a big head or
anything but I'm kind of stuck on you..."

   I grinned back at her, taking her hands in my own, my eyes lost in hers.
As I brought Jan closer to me, I was peripherally aware of Sarah turning to
leave but I paid no attention.  Slowly I leaned into Jan, my arms moving
around her, pulling her body close to my own.  My eyes closed and my lips
sought hers hungrily.  For a few wonderful, glorious moments nothing else
existed except for Jan and me.  My entire world narrowed to the space the
two of us occupied; nothing else mattered.

   A niggling thought intruded as our kiss grew more passionate.  I felt a
stirring in my mind echoing the stirring of my loins; that nugget of reason
would not go away no matter how I willed it.  Finally, I gave in to the
inevitable.

   "What about Sarah?" I asked as I broke our embrace.

   "It's okay," Jan soothed, gently pulling me back down to her.  "It's
normal for you to be attracted to Sarah.  Honestly, I would have been
worried if you weren't.  I know you couldn't help having sex with her..."

   I felt my lips touch hers again and it was all I could do not to fall
into that kiss once more.  My curiosity, however, proved stronger than my
lust.  "Not me," I replied, pulling my lips from hers.  "You."

   Time stood still as Jan looked at me in shock.  Surprise, worry, fear
and finally resignation drifted across her features as she stared.  Slowly,
she closed her eyes and sighed, a long, low release of air escaping her
lips.

   "Men" she muttered under her breath but I wasn't sure I was meant to
hear.

   "You were...and...with Sarah," I continued bewildered but relentless. 
"It wasn't just me," I blurted defensively.

   "No," Jan whispered and a tremble flowed through her.  "No, it wasn't
just you."

   Her eyes flashed to mine and she looked at me intently.  I could almost
see her mind working over her words.  Finally, slowly, the words started to
come.

   "I'm not ashamed of it," she started, then hastened to amend her phrase.
"Well, not much, anyway.  I guess I've always been...curious...but I've
never really even thought about pursuing it.  Not seriously.  I guess I was
always kind of afraid...afraid that I'd like it...or like it more than I
should.  Afraid it would make me some kind of freak.  I don't know how to
explain it, exactly.

   "Then," she continued hesitantly, carefully picking each syllable. 
"That stuff...that juice...I didn't even think about it when it happened.
You were there...and then she was there...and...it seemed so natural
somehow...so right.  I...I liked it..." Her voice faded off for a moment
and her eyes drifted off into the distance.

   Suddenly, her eyes flashed back to mine and held me in their spell.  "I
love you, though," she said intently, her hands gripping at my back and
arms.  "It doesn't make me a lesbian and it doesn't make me a freak.  I'd
rather be with you than anyone else, male or female.  I just have these
little...um...urges, I guess," she finished lamely.

   I started to chuckle then quickly thought better of it as her eyes
hardened.  She was looking to me for strength and, in a strange way,
approval.  "Jan," I started, the gravity of the situation clear to me. 
"I...I think..." This was a big step for me, one that I could never take
back; I had to be sure I meant every word I was about to say.  "I love
you." I muttered and as soon as the words were out, I knew that they were
right.  I meant them.  "I love you," I said more forcefully.  "I don't
think you're a freak.  I don't even think you're all that strange."

   There were tears in her eyes as she clutched me closer.  A small sob
escaped her lips as she buried her face in my chest.  For moments we held
each other as if the world were ending, then her hand found the back of my
neck and my lips were being pulled tightly against her own.

   The kiss lasted for a moment that was an eternity.  I felt my heart open
to her, felt it thudding in my chest as our two hearts became as one.  I
never wanted this kiss...this moment to end.

   That's why it was such a horrible shock when we heard Sarah's
unmistakable screaming.