Can't, Won't by Spline Duck

US Copyright Registered 1999


There's a corner at the back where the bar turns to meet the
wall where you're out of sight of most of the bar. The
payphone's back there, but nothing else. I'd been drinking
with this guy, and now I had tugged him back there. I'd
managed to get my hand inside his shirt. He was feeling my
boobs. I was excited enough that I was breathing heavy. After
a long, flaming kiss, I knew I had him.

Leaning back far enough to scan the room, I checked that we
were ready. Mitzi was in the booth sipping her drink, watching
from the corner of her eye. The bartender knew what was going
down, so he was trying to act like he wasn't watching, but I
winked when he glanced up; he turned the lights down just a
bit more.

Leaning back in, I licked his ear and nuzzled down his neck to
his shoulder. He smelled so nice. His grip around me
tightened; he was ready. Time for act two.

It's an old bar in a slightly weathered building. Inside, it's
a beauty; we're lucky to have such a work of art in this
little town. The huge mirror behind the bottles is still
perfect after almost 100 years. The bar is rosewood, smooth,
heavy, tall, sensuous. The stools are smooth, and they're
still perfect. The first time I came in here, it almost took
my breath away. It was just so unexpected in this dumpy little
town. I've picked up any number of strangers here, but this is
the kind of fishing I've enjoyed the most.

As my hand slides down the front of his leg, my finger brushes
the ridge at the center. Reaching up with my lips, I kiss him
slightly and start to whisper to him. "Feels like you're a
hard man to please, but I'd like to try." His grip tightens.
"I know you want to go home with me, but there's a problem. I
need to tell you."

He stiffened and withdrew a little. God, men are so
predictable; he was right on line. He said, "What d'ya mean? I
thought you were hot for me. What kind of problem?"

I pulled him back and slipped my hand down the back of his
pants. "Nothing that we can't deal with. I __do__ intend to
take you home. God, I like your body. I'm so glad you came in
here tonight." I gave him a squeeze on the rump, tickled the
top of the crease of his rear, and ground my hips against him.
I was high, just handling him. "Mmm. There's just this one
little thing. I have this little quirk. That's all."

He relaxed a little, kissed me again (even more tongue this
time), and said, "Well, that sounds like it might get even
more interesting."

"Yes, oh yes!" I whispered as I slithered up his body and
hissed into his ear. "I think it'll be interesting." My
panties were already wet; I really did want this one. I moved
around to his lips, ready to kiss him as I said dropped the
bomb. "There's just this one little thing. You have to fuck my
roommate." And I clamped my lips onto his as he boggled
slightly. The hook was set; time to land him.

He pulled back a bit more this time. Carefully, I put my hand
on the end of the bar, just outside the little alcove, just
looking like I was steadying myself.

"Hey! I ain't queer. You're what I want. What's this roommate
crap?" But he didn't leave.

As I took my hand from the bar to feel him up a bit, I gave a
thumbs-up to Mitzi; we had him.

"Keep cool! My roommate's all female. She's over there in the
booth behind us; she's the hefty one. I'll be there too, but
she's the one you get to fuck. And I promise you; you're going
to enjoy this."

<---===***===--->

I've always been wild, and in a small town like this, everyone
knows. First, I was a tomboy. I slept with half the boys in my
high school. Hell, I even laid some of the geeks. I felt so
powerful that I could match any of the guys. I felt like my
mind and my body were on fire. By my early 20's, I was working
at a nothing job here in town, and any guy in town felt like
he could hit on me; too many of them were succeeding. The fire
finally began to feel like it was burning me.

I met Mitzi one night in the bar. She commuted to some high-
tech company in the city, but she liked the atmosphere and the
lower cost of living out here. She was looking for a roommate.
It looked like a good way to save a little money, so we moved
in together. She's easy to get along with, but she didn't go
out much. She's so big that many men are turned off. On the
other hand, Mitzi's usually turned on. She's horny most of the
time; can't help her not to be getting dates. But she's easy
to get along with, and we clicked as roommates. The biggest
problem was her feeling so left out when I'd bring guys home,
and she always came home alone. Sometimes, we'd talk about it
in the mornings, but usually it just made her feel even sadder
to think about it.

Anyway, a couple of years ago, when Mitzi and I had been
living together for about three months, my feelings began to
change a lot. Sure, it was exciting to be bringing men home
for the night, but it started to feel like there wasn't enough
space for me in my life. Men and my emotions seemed to be
starting to rule me, somehow squeeze me. I wanted to feel
stronger, more my own person.

Mitzi and I talked about it, but we didn't come up with any
ideas that seemed to fit me. And the conversations often ended
with her saying, "I wish I had *your* problem. You've got too
many guys, and I get none. Why don't you share more?" And then
she'd wink at me or nudge me with her elbow.

One morning we were talking at breakfast. Mitzi always liked
to hear about the guys I brought home. I said, "That redhead
last night was terrific."

Mitzi put her hand on my wrist and look hard at me. "There
wasn't any redhead last night!"

"Sure there was. He was about six foot one, carroty red hair,
maybe a southern accent, maybe Texas."

Softly, she said, "No. Not last night."

"Maybe the redhead was the night before last."

She gripped my wrist a little tighter. "That redhead was two
nights ago. Last night was that guy with the curly hair. The
night before was that little guy that had been a jockey. The
redhead was the night before that."

"Mitzi, I feel like I'm losing my grip. I've never misplaced
guys before. This is just too much. I don't know what to do.
I've always just gone out and gotten the guys I wanted.
Lately, it feels kind of like they're in control. It doesn't
feel as good as it used to. And now to screw up who, when, I
feel like I should give up guys for Lent or a lot more."

She giggled, looked at me, and said, "Right. I'll believe it
when you put a lock on it!"

"No," I said. "I think I need to do this. You don't know how
weird it feels not to know which guy's goo was in me last
night. I read a review of a book about what they called the
new modesty. It didn't all make sense to me, but I really feel
like I've got to do something to take back my life."

"Somehow, celibacy doesn't seem like your bag," she said.

<---===***===--->

But that's how it started. First a few nights; we'd go to the
bar or watch some TV or just go for a walk. A week, a month,
and by then I was beginning to feel control returning. Peace
that recently eluded me wrapped each evening. At first, it was
strange, but it always felt good. After three months, I felt
secure in having made a good choice, not a permanent one, but
a good one for now.

One evening, after about six months, Mitzi and I were walking
in the park. The dandelions were just in full bloom; people
consider them weeds, but when they're first blooming in the
spring, they make me feel joyful with their abundance and
bright color. The tulips were just finishing, shattering,
opening in their final loose-kneed splendor before
surrendering their soft petals. I was so happy, I was almost
high.

Mitzi turned to me. "You know, it's not fair. It's not fair at
all."

Confused, I replied, "Mitzi, what's not fair? I mean life
really isn't ever fair."

"It's not fair that I can't get a guy at all. And there you
are! You can pick any one or every one, and you won't."

"Gee. I don't mean to make you jealous." I didn't know what
else to say.

"I know, but it's just not fair. I just wish I could get one
tenth of the guys that you could. I'd screw them all, I'm so
horny; and I can't get any. And you could have them all, and
you don't even want them. I even miss the thrill of your
bringing them home, even when I didn't get them. It made my
bed a bit hotter in the evenings, I'll tell you."

"Just because I'm celibate right now, doesn't mean that I'm
not interested. Just because I'm celibate doesn't mean I don't
still have needs." I held up my hand and wiggled my fingers at
her. She smiled a little and wiggled her fingers back at me.

We walked along for a bit, our feet crunching in the gravel,
both of us enjoying the end of a warm spring sunshine. I
looked down at my feet a lot. How was I going to help my
friend?

She started again: "Hey! Maybe you could bring guys home in
the evening. You could turn out the lights, and then we'd
switch places. I'd screw them silly, and then we'd send them
on their way, none the wiser."

I looked her in the eye. She was serious in a way. I was sure
she'd try it if I tumbled. I looked back at her and then down
at her body; even she admitted that her size was a major
problem with getting the guys.

"Yeah," she said. It wouldn't work. They'd grab hold and right
away know it wasn't you. What a dumb idea! What a dumb jerk."

I hooked her arm and led her to a bench. She started crying
softly. Behind us, a pair of magpies half-followed, hoping for
a few insects that we might stir up.

I said, "Look, it's not a dumb idea, and you most certainly
are no jerk." I held her big hand in mine, rubbing it gently.
"We've been friends for quite a while now. Maybe I can help
you. Maybe we don't have to trick them quite that way. Maybe
we can trick them another way, and you might still get what
you want."

The sun had gone down, and it was getting cooler. I shuddered
slightly from the cold. Mitzi felt it. "I don't know what
you're suggesting, but I think we should talk about it on the
way home. It's getting cold fast."

And so it started. Sadness, control, friendship, horniness,
and a little compassion all rolled up together. In deepening
gloom, with dandelions looking like tiny ghosts, I explained
my solution as we walked along, arm in arm.

"So here it is. You can't get it, and I won't go for it. Can't-
Won't! Each of us has part of what the other needs. You're
celibate, but not by choice. I can get guys, but I need to
keep away from them right now. But maybe, maybe we can split
the difference here. They can have me for the evening, but
you're the one they get."

"What are you talking about? How does that help? You bring
them home and say 'Here's my roommate. I'm going to bed. See
ya.' I don't think that would work!" I thought she'd start to
cry again.

"Well, I don't think anything that simple would work, and
besides, I want to get something out of this too. But I do
think we can do it together. I don't want to spend my evening
just listening to you bunny your way through your evening."

<---===***===--->

We ate a quick supper and walked the two blocks to the bar.
Hell, nothing in this town is more than two blocks from the
main street. The bar is one door off Main, tucked back just a
little from the other storefronts. After the chill outside,
the warmth inside was relaxing. There were a couple of
regulars at the bar. The Thomas's were in their usual booth;
apparently, they hadn't been here long because they weren't
bickering yet. Maybe they'd have a good night and go home
friendly. I sat at the bar, near the front; Mitzi went to a
booth near the back where she could watch me. The bartender
came over to me. I expected that he'd be a bit curious.

"Hi, Kate. You and Mitzi have a spat?"

"Nah. I'm just kind of looking for a boyfriend for the
evening."

"What happened? Fall off the wagon?"

"Not yet. But Mitzi and I thought we'd write some Country-and-
Western songs. Watch and learn. I'll have my usual starter."

He looked carefully at me, pulled a glass from the stack next
to the mirror, and started on my drink, saying, "That's a
weird thing to say. You OK?"

"Never better. How about you?"

He laughed. "Never better. I've been doing this for twenty
years. I still like coming to work every day. But you: you I
don't always understand. For years this was your fish pond.
Then you went on the wagon. Every man's night dreams to stony
hard. Now you're back at your favorite fishing spot, but you
say you're still on the wagon. And your friend isn't sitting
with you, either."

" Watch and learn, Willy, watch and learn. Don't worry, I
won't bust the place up. It's too nice a museum, with that
beautiful old mirror and this beautiful old bar. You going to
give me that drink?"

And then, who should walk through the door, but the redhead
that started my dry spell. Well, maybe since he caused one
life change, he could cause another. He saw me, did a little
double-take, and came over to sit on the next stool. I smiled
and said, "Hello."

He smiled back and said, "Hello. You're still here. I didn't
expect to see you again"

"Well, I had to be somewhere, didn't I? You someone I know?" I
looked past his shoulder to Mitzi. She nodded her head
vigorously. I saw the bartender look toward the motion and
then back at me. He knew something was up. He looked back at
Mitzi who was giving me a thumbs-up.




Copyright 1999, Registered at the U.S. Copyright Office. No
part of this document may be reproduced in any way without
permission of the author


I want to thank my writing support group (Janey) for writing
suggestions and for excellent proofing.