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 The Estate (C)2003 d.  edwards/san francisco

   Chapter 45

   Delores rubbed her arm gently with a sterile swab as the doctor put away
her vials and equipment.

   ''You'll be a little queasy the first two weeks but a little exercise
and these,'' she slapped a small packet of tablets on the exam table next
to Delores, ''should help with the worst of it.'' Delores nodded, buttoning
up her blouse and turned to leave.

   ''Delores,'' the doctor began, as the nurse paused at the door, ''Go
slow, be patient.  You both have a lot to learn, especially John.'' Delores
smiled, a rosy warm feeling growing inside at her at the thought of the
decision she'd just put into motion.

   ''How long, do you think, before I can start?'' she asked.  The doctor
shrugged.

   ''You can start right now'', she said, getting a surprised look from
Delores.  ''You both need to practice don't you?'' she grinned, making both
of them laugh.  She headed back to her apartment to change into something
more comfortable before going to the Nursery.

   Chapter 46

   Delores entered John's room and paused at the edge of his crib by the
front door.  She always loved this time of day here in the nursery; the
late afternoon sky cast a lovely warm glow making everything seem to be
dipped in amber.  Small dust motes ambled through a thin shaft of sunlight,
and there were small cozy sounds coming from the play area.  She reached
out with her senses to taste the mood of the room; trying to sense his
feelings as she walked over to the two of them.  They were on the floor, he
in her arms, eyes closed, she holding a Trainer, nearly empty.  From his
limp repose Delores knew he was nearly asleep and that he'd been exhausted
by the day's events.  Julie looked up and smiled, nodding down at John to
reassure her and she slowly began to ease the nipple from his mouth.  It
slid back out, leaving a small pool of milk on the edge of his lips.

   ''Watch this,'' Julie whispered, as she touched the side of his lips
with her pinky finger.  John's head followed her finger, his lips opening
and drawing in her finger, his jaw beginning to flex softly.  Delores felt
a flush across her chest at seeing that oldest of reflexes, and she even
felt a moments twinge of jealousy.  Julie smiled at Delores' face, seeing
clearly what she was going through, and after today she better understood
her bosses reaction to this person in her arms.  Placing a pacifier into
his mouth she lowered him to the padded quilt and propped his head up with
a small pillow before standing.  The two women looked down at him, tightly
swaddled and watched the pacifier pause, start and stop again as he drifted
deeper into sleep.  The both sighed deeply in unison, looking at each other
in embarrassed surprise at that and then started to giggle, covering their
mouths as they both tried not to make too much noise.  The walked quickly
over to the table in the front room, holding each other as they both shook
with suppressed laughter.

   ''What is it about him?'', Delores gasped, the tears in her eyes not
entirely from laughing.  Julie squeezed her shoulder in sympathy, shaking
her head as the last spasm of laughter faded.

   ''Damned if I know,'' she said, wiping her eyes.  '' It sure is easy to
get lost in those eyes isn't it?'' She saw a flash of pain cross Delores'
face.

   ''Are you OK?'', she asked, concerned, as Delores slumped into the chair
next to her.

   ''Oh, god...what am I doing?'' she sighed, rubbing her hands over her
face.  ''I'm almost forty and I'm acting like a teenager.  I'm half sick
from these hormones, I can't think straight, the Director thinks I'm
crazy....'' She sat back to look at Julie who looked back at her with a
broad grin on her face.

   ''What?'' Delores asked, suddenly defensive.

   ''It sucks, doesn't it?''

   ''What sucks?'', Delores asked, fearing what she began to realize but
wasn't willing to admit.

   ''Being in love''.

   ''In love?!'', Delores protested, staring at Julie for a long moment,
then sighing and dropping her head into her palms in admission.  ''Maybe
so, maybe so.....but with what, a helpless baby, or a man that isn't
allowed to speak?'', she protested, ''I don't know anything about him
except that every time I hold him it's the right place to be.'' She took a
deep breath, '' but...''

   ''But what?'', Julie asked gently, ''What's the matter?''

   ''I feel so terrible when he gets upset or scared; I feel like I want to
protect him from everything we're doing but I know there's no choice in the
matter; what's done is done as far as Elena's request is concerned.  It
just doesn't feel right, and I feel so confused.....'', she sighed, her
eyes once more filling with tears.  The younger nurse considered her for a
moment, thinking back to all the males that had come to them for treatment
and how Delores had been with them.  She'd learned to trust Delores'
instincts implicitly, and seeing her like this....  Julie sat up, resolved
to take some outside matters into her own hands regarding Elena.  In the
meantime.

   ''Delores,'' she began as the head nurse looked up at her, ''I think
your feelings about John are the right ones; I've always trusted your
judgments about our clients and I think you're right to trust your
instincts in this case.'' Delores smiled weakly, comforted by her words,
but afraid to hear the rest.

   ''We can't do anything about Elena's request but make sure the
transition for John is as comfortable as possible.  What better way to help
him than to be there when he needs you?  Surely you aren't blind to his
feelings towards you are you?'' she asked, touching Delores' shoulder.

   ''Why would he even care for me after what we're going to do to him?'',
she asked, tears spilling over to drop on her blouse.  Julie thought for a
minute, choosing her words carefully.  '' I think in some way he'll go
there.....'' she paused, seeing Delores begin to look inward, running
through all her experience with John to see if that were possible.  She
continued, ''if he's with someone he can trust completely, someone who will
be there every moment.  That means you've got to be there for the hard
parts.'' Delores nodded, this time looking more resolved.  ''I won't be
able to walk out like I did today'', she admitted, shame faced, ''I
couldn't bear the look in his eyes....''she began, tearing up.

   ''Shhh...', Julie stopped her, ''He did just fine.'' They sat there
quietly for a moment as Delores recovered.

   ''I knew better but I couldn't stop myself.  I think I'll be able to
manage now.''

   ''That's why you started the treatment isn't it?'' Delores nodded,
smiling at herself, the head nurse in her seeing the logic of it.  Julie
almost hated herself for the next words.

   ''What I wonder is if he'll ever be able to love you once you give him
back to Elena.''

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