Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 The Contract Chapter Five

   The day of the funeral was a damp and dreary one.  Samantha, my three
kids and their spouses all stood there to one side of the coffin as the
preacher droned on and on.  This guy had never taken the time to get to
know us, even though we had been members of his 'flock' for years, and now
he was expounding on Becky's virtues and how she was going to heaven like
he had known us forever.  It sort of made me sick inside.

   I had things on my mind this day too.  Becky's lawyer had contacted me
immediately after her passing to tell me a very eye-opening story.  Deep
inside I knew that Becky had meant well, but for her to have bought a
hooker for her replacement as my wife was a bit much for me to handle.  I
hated her lawyer for having spilled the beans too.

   He had called me up and made arrangements for the meeting then once
there, he had talked on and on about Samantha and how she was an escort
service girl...a pro, hired by Becky with a life insurance nest egg she
had. How Becky had been able to hide that policy from me had me wondering
just how much I did know about my late wife.

   The kids had been there for me, and they all seemed to love
Samantha...although I had to wonder too what they would think if they knew
the whole story about her.  I stood there holding the umbrella over
Samantha and I still being the ever faithful and loving man.  I was in a
turmoil now, and I didn't know quite what to do.

   In my mind I started to run over all the facts, as I knew them.  The
most obvious first fact was that Becky, my loving wife, had in fact paid a
woman to pretend to love me...in order that I'd not be alone after this
day.

   The second fact was that Becky had paid this woman just over a million
dollars to do so...with a contract that spelled out all the details in
finite form.

   The third fact was that Samantha was either a very great actress or she
really did have some feelings for me.  After all, she was still standing
beside me when her part of the deal had been lived up to...almost.  The
money was to be paid out in four parts, the first quarter the day after
tomorrow.  Then for the rest of the next year from today she'd get another
quarter until all four were paid out.

   The last fact I had was the hardest for me to deal and cope with.  This
fact was the breaker for everything.  Samantha had become so much a part of
my life and of my kid's lives now; she fit in with us all.  Not only
that...I had fallen in love with her.  Me...a faithful husband, loving only
one woman in all these years, had fallen for another woman as my wife died.
A woman that was or at least had been, a professional...escort.

   After the service we all went to the house and tons of people came by
paying their last respects.  I was in the process of getting rather well
oiled; drinking scotch like it was water.  My oldest son was keeping an eye
on me, and once in an while he'd slip up beside Samantha and they would
both eye me over quite seriously.

   I was getting on my lips drunk now and the drunker I got, the more
everyone around me would come by and tell me they were headed out...and to
take care.  It was obvious that they wanted to be far away from me now,
since I was more than likely going to have a come apart.  I was stressing
out, and had nobody I could trust to talk to anymore.

   Everyone but the kids and Samantha were gone as I stumbled into the back
yard to sit on the swing I had built for Becky so long ago.  I hurt deep
inside and couldn't get around how unfair life had turned out for Becky and
me.  Totally unfair.  Sitting there I realized that I had no suicidal
tendencies.  I was questioning that when someone slipped in beside me in
the swing.

   "Hey there.  You okay?"

   "Hi Samantha.  Just thinking...that's all.  Did I ever tell you that I
built this swing for Becky about fifteen years ago?  I did.  My own two
hands.  The whole thing."

   "Becky told me about it.  How you had started it and then had to change
it several times because she was changing her mind all the time on what she
wanted.  She made it a very funny story."

   "Becky told you that?  This swing was the cause of our worst
argument...for a long time.  I had gotten angry when she kept changing her
mind and almost lit into her hard...but just as I was about to I overheard
her telling our daughter, who was three at the time, that daddy was the
bestest husband in the whole world because he put up with mommies nonsense
on this swing.  After that, what could I do but keep on making the changes
for her until she was satisfied?"

   "You are a good man John.  Becky really caught a good one when she
caught you."

   "Well, I was luckier.  Becky was the catch of a lifetime.  One could not
ask for a better or more loving wife than she was."

   I stopped talking, thinking about how Samantha had come to being here,
and then having to ask myself if Becky could still fit that all
encompassing bill I had just paraded out there.  I suppose that in her own
way, doing what she had done and how she had done it, was only the best she
could do under the circumstances.

   Now though, I had the problem of figuring out if Samantha and I could be
a couple...or if I even wanted to be.  Our whole relationship had been
started with lies and deceit.  Samantha wasn't who she really said she
was...well, what she had been, to be fair.  Maybe she had changed.  Maybe,
at the end of things, her and Becky had become true best friends.

   "Penny for your thoughts."

   "I was just wondering when you were going to take off.  I mean, Becky's
gone now...your part in her deal is all over with, so you're free to fly
away."

   Samantha froze up and just stared at me.  Then a tear started in one
eye, and soon both eyes were running streams of tears.

   "You know then."

   A statement.  Not a question.  She had heard me and accepted it as fact
that I knew all about the 'deal'.

   "Yeah.  Becky's lawyer called me the day after her death.  He had quite
a tale to talk about and he felt I needed to know about all that money that
Becky foolishly threw into the hands of a hooker."

   "I was never a hooker John.  I was an escort.  There is a
difference...even though you may not think so.  At first I was in it for
the money...but after a while...I was in it for Becky.  She was a special
lady and I was lucky to have been able to call her a friend."

   "So...I know this will sound selfish and all, but where exactly does
that leave me?"

   "Oh.  I think I see now.  You think that all that's happened up to now
has been me just playing some kind of part then?"

   "Yeah...you see, I have a million or so reasons to think that.  That's
what Becky paid you isn't it?  A million dollars...to have me fall in love
with you and keep me from dying off?"

   "At first...but not now."

   "Oh?  What's changed then?"

   "I...I...really fell in love with you John.  Honestly...I did.  I even
told Becky that a while back.  I told her that I had fallen in love with
you...and that I was scared that you'd find out about my past and dump me
like a hot potato.  I was and have been afraid that this particular day
would come...as it has."

   "You love me?  You can honestly sit there and tell me that you love me?
You're not acting or working on my feelings to keep in my good graces so
you get all the money?"

   "Do you think that's why I'm still here John?  Do you?  If you think
that then I guess that 'we' never did have a chance then did we?"

   I saw the anger flash across her face as she said that.  I had hit a
nerve.  That surprised me too.

   "Well, what did you expect?"

   "I figured that when you found out about the money that you'd come ask
me about it...and I could tell you what I had planned for it.  Instead,
that creepy asshole lawyer double dealt me and went behind my back to spill
the beans about it.  Of course, he has no way of knowing what I had or did
plan for that money either.  Becky did since I told her.  She was mad at me
at first...but she soon came to understand my point.  One day this would
happen.  She saw that I was right in doing what I did...and accepted it."

   "What did you plan for the money then?"

   "I won't tell you.  Not now.  It will keep until the time is right. 
Whenever you decide what it is you want, and how you are going to deal with
this whole thing, I'll let you know about that money.  For now all you need
to know is that I love you John.  I'm not lying and I'm not acting.  The
money has nothing to do with it and I'm speaking from my heart.  I gave my
heart over to you several months ago.  I...who never have allowed myself
that luxury...I fell I in love with you.  God that's so fucked up too.  I
fell in love with a john named John."

   "So now I'm supposed to believe that you truly love me?  Our whole life
together is started on lies and mis-directions...by my wife no less, and so
now I'm supposed to think that you're telling me the truth?"

   "I am...damnit.  I do love you John.  I do.  I know that you probably
hate me now...knowing what you do about my past and all.  I haven't been a
'good' girl at all.  I do have feelings though.  I have always tried to act
honestly with everyone I met.  This whole thing with you and Becky...it
started out as a business proposition but turned into the real deal more or
less."

   "I wish I could believe that Samantha.  I really do.  I know that I need
to be alone to figure things out now.  I want you to leave.  Move out.  I
need the space.  Maybe I'll figure out what it is I want and then we can
see where we stand.  Not right now though.  I just don't know who you are
now.  Everything has changed.  By the way...is Samantha really your name?"

   She was gray in the face, tears falling freely.  I had a hard time
looking at her, so I just looked off across the yard as I said those hard
things.  I felt it was the right thing to do...for me...at that time.  She
sat there for a bit.  Then she stood up and turned, walking away.  Over her
shoulder I heard her say;

   "Yes.  Samantha is my given name.  The name my father gave me when I was
born.  I was named after my mother, who died in childbirth...my
childbirth."

   Samantha walked out at that point.  Out of my life and into that limbo
land that people can disappear to.  I was lost now doubly.  I had fallen in
love with her, and driven her out of my life.  That old fucker lawyer, I
really wished he would have kept all his 'important information' to himself
as he should have.  I had gone from deeply in love with my wife to falling
in love with another woman, at my late wife's insistence, to not being sure
what the hell was going on in my life anymore.

   I spent the next month alone.  The kids stopped by when they could, all
worried about me and asking where Samantha was.  One day I had enough and
unwound on my daughter.  She had come over and was almost pissed off at me
for having chased Samantha away.

   "Yeah?  I chased her away you say?  Listen up little girl...Samantha
isn't the person you think she is.  She's not exactly...let's just say that
her past kind of stinks a bit.  Your mother put her up to some kind of
stupid deal and it all fell apart after your mom died."

   "It wasn't some kind of stupid deal dad.  I know all about it...mom told
me.  Samantha was an escort.  Mom hired her to keep you from doing the
stupid thing...YOU...doing the STUPID THING.  God daddy, sometimes you make
me so mad."

   "You knew?"

   "Well, DUH...Samantha came and told me a few months ago.  She wanted me
to know the truth in case anything happened between you two.  She was upset
because she felt you would find out and cop an attitude about her
past...even though mom didn't think so.  Mom wasn't thinking straight about
anything by then and I went to talk to her.  She spilled the whole thing
out to me.  Dad...can't you see that Samantha loves you?  Can't you see
that she's the next best thing that ever happened to you nest to mom? 
Can't you see that you are the luckiest man in the world having a wife that
thought so much of you that she went out and found someone for you to love
after she was gone?  Then you go and fuck it all up.  What's the matter
with you?  Can't you be happy at all anymore?  Have you lost your mind?"

   "Have you lost your mind little girl?  Samantha was or is still, a
hooker...an escort...a paid pro.  She provided 'services' to an unknown
number of men.  She was paid to put out.  You know that and you can be okay
with all that?  I thought I raised you better than that."

   "Ohhh...you asshole dad.  How dare you demean Samantha's love for you.
Or moms for that matter.  Did you know that her and mom loved each other
like best friends?  Did you know that Samantha gave that money away long
before mom got real sick?  Did you know that Samantha set that money up in
a trust fund for us kids and our kids too?  She did that because she loved
you...you worthless ass."

   I had never had my daughter so mad at me ever before.  She was yelling
at me holding nothing back.  She was truly angry with me.  Sticking up for
Samantha.  I was beyond reason now.  My mind must have been lost a long
time ago.  The whole world had gone mad.  Even my daughter had known about
the hooker that was paid to fall in love with me and agreed that it had
been a good thing to do?

   "What?  I should be happy that your mom was able to find a hooker for me
then?  It was never about sex you know.  It was about sharing my life with
the person I loved.  Having your mom be there with me.  Sex wasn't what it
was about.  And where do you get off calling me worthless?"

   "So you think that Samantha was thinking only of the money and doing you
for sex?  God you're a stupid man at times dad.  Very stupid.  For your
information, any man that would treat a woman who loved him like you did is
a worthless ass."

   "What did you mean she gave that money up to you kids anyway?  The
lawyer told me it was sent to her account as ordered on the contract."

   "Jesus dad...haven't you ever heard of a brokerage account?  About
having a broker set up a trust account using money from other sources? 
Haven't you ever heard about other people setting up accounts for people
like Samantha did?  Daddy, sometimes you are the stupidest man I know.  She
loves you and you drove her away.  You had a second chance at love, and mom
helped to set you up with it...and then you go and blow it like this.  I
can't believe you."

   "I'll bet your brothers don't think that way."

   "What?  Dad, mom told them after she told me.  They accepted it long
before I did.  It took me a bit before I could accept that Samantha was on
the level about things.  After I saw that she was, I accepted her fully and
without reservation.  Why can't you do the same?  She loves you...in spite
of yourself.  You have to go find her dad...you have to."

   "I won't.  I can't and I won't."

   Nothing settled, my daughter left.  Alone I sat and brooded.  I thought
it strange that my daughter had chosen to call me a worthless
asshole...just as someone else had not so long ago.  I wondered how that
had come about?  How had my daughter decided to use just that phrase when
calling me a name?  I was torn between looking for Samantha and not.  I was
also thinking about my original plan now too.  It would be so much easier
to just call it quits.  No more pain, suffering, or damnable kids calling
me names.

   That was the last I saw of my daughter for two months.  My sons would
call once in a while, but my daughter stayed out of my life.  It hurt.  I
was sitting in my dark living room one night, just brooding when the phone
rang.

   "Hello?"

   "Is this John?"

   "There's a lot of John's in the world, but I happen to be one...yes."

   "Do you know Samantha?"

   "Who is this?  What do you want?"

   I was angry.  I wondered just who would call me up this late and want to
ask questions like this.  I wasn't in the mood to talk about neither
Samantha nor my Becky either.  I just wanted to be left alone.

   "I am probably the closest friend Samantha has.  I'm worried about her.
I know that her troubles all started when she took some kind of deal from
your wife...and that after your wife Becky died it all fell apart.  I
wanted to talk to you about her.  Samantha I mean."

   "Maybe I don't want or need to talk about Samantha."

   "Maybe you should get your head out of your...I'm sorry.  Look, can I
come over to your place and talk to you...or can we meet somewhere where we
can talk?"

   "You know where I live?"

   "Yes.  Samantha told me when she first went to live with you guys.  She
wanted someone to know where she was.  Someone she knew she could trust
that is."

   She hadn't come right out and said it, but by the inflection in her
voice I knew that she had pointed that last part at me.  I guess she
thought I was not a trustworthy person.  If I hadn't been in such a shitty
mood I could have laughed at that.  Me, untrustworthy.  Me, who hadn't lied
to anyone forever...not to be trusted.  "Well, you might as well save your
breath...I don't care what happens to her now."

   "God...you are a heartless bastard.  I can't see what your Becky ever
saw in you.  She must have been blind.  Very blind.  Samantha is a great
person, and deserving of far better than the likes of you."

   "Well, at least you think so."

   "Yeah?  Well your sons and daughter think so too.  They've been trying
to get in touch with her for days now.  She won't return their calls and
refuses to talk about anything to do with you or your family to me either."

   "My sons and daughter were in touch with her?"

   "Until just lately.  I'm worried sick about her and you are the only
person I know of that has a chance in hell of being able to talk to her. 
Look, I know you must hate her for lying to you and everything.  You have
to remember though, it was your wife that wanted her there...for your own
good."

   "Fine...come over and do your best.  I will warn you though, I'm not
going to be easy to convince of anything doing with her now."

   "I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

   She was there in ten.  The pounding on the door woke me out of my
trance. I found that I was looking on the mantle over the fireplace at a
picture of Becky and I and Samantha in the first days Samantha had come
into our lives.  I found myself asking why I hadn't tossed that picture out
yet?

   "Come in...I'm sorry, I don't know your name."

   "Susan.  I am the lady that takes care of...um...business for Sam...and
a few others."

   "The madam?"

   "NO.  I am not a madam.  I am a business agent.  It is all a percentage
deal arranged beforehand.  I take in the calls for...escorts, and then I
put them in touch with the girls...after I've screened them.  It is a very
high-class operation, and matter of fact, we have strong repeat business,
and rarely take on new customers.  It makes it safer for all involved."

   "Screen customers?  You really do that?"

   "Yes.  We require STD tests annually from them, in addition to making
certain of their backgrounds and attitudes.  We don't want people who are
into pain or that type of stuff, and we also want to make sure that they
aren't messing around on the side with hookers or someone who could get
STD's started.  I'm very thorough.  Your wife, Becky had to talk a blue
streak to even get in the door.  She was quite secretive about what the
deal was entirely, but she told me enough to let me know which girl would
possibly be interested in a long-term deal.  Since she was looking, I made
her go through the testing and everything first."

   "You really did?"

   "Damn straight I did.  Sam and the other girls are my friends in
addition to being my bread and butter.  No way will I let them into a
situation where they could catch something or get hurt."

   "How would you have been paid for this long term deal?"

   "Sam had made arrangements, matter of fact, she paid my percentage a
couple of months ago.  I'm thinking that she won't get the full money from
the deal now though since you kicked her out.  I have tried to get her to
take it back...the percentage...she refuses.  She also refuses to work
anymore too.  She just sits at home...and mopes around."

   "She quit working then?"

   "She had told me that she was in love with a man...and planned on living
the rest of her life with him.  Then...that rat bastard kicked her out. 
Right after a funeral."

   The look she gave me was one of those hard and intimidating ones that
some women can pull off quite well.  Susan had it down pat.  I was actually
a bit nervous at that point wondering what she was capable of.

   "Look, you don't know the whole story obviously."

   "Yes I do.  I got it out of Sam a while back.  Your wife, Becky, hired
her to have you fall in love with her.  Becky was afraid that you were
going to do something stupid after she passed, and she wanted to ensure
that you lived a happy and full life after she was gone.  She had a life
insurance policy you didn't know about, and Sam was to get the proceeds of
that upon completion of a certain time period.  Paid in four even
installments.  Sam had gotten the first installment the day before the
funeral."

   "So.  What do you expect me to do then?  I won't go running to her and
forgive her.  She did it all for the money and I can't believe that she
ever truly loved me.  Besides, I'm not so sure she'd talk to me now anyway.
After the way we parted, I don't think she would have anything good to say
to me, if she would see me even."

   "Why?"

   "Why what?"

   Her question seemed off to me.  I wasn't sure what she wanted to know.

   "Why can't you see yourself in love with Sam?  She's a great person,
beautiful, sexy, loving, and intelligent.  She would make the perfect
spouse...better half for any man.  Why can you bring yourself to love her
and accept her as she is?  She is honest...no matter what you may think. 
Ask yourself why Becky chose Sam in the end?  Ask yourself why Becky ended
up loving Sam like a sister?  Sam has great qualities.  You...on the other
hand..."

   "It always comes back to me doesn't it?  My daughter said the same
thing. I've disappointed her it seems.  Why dad won't live happily ever
after with the prostitute is beyond her too.  My sons also as a matter of
fact.  Seems that everyone in the world that knows me anyway, thinks that
I'm an asshole."

   "If the shoe fits..."

   "She lied to me."

   "Your wife lied to you...your wife set up the whole deal.  Sam told me
she wanted to tell you a million times...even before you two started having
sex.  Becky talked her out of it every single time."

   "I should believe the words of a liar?"

   "I'm not a liar John.  Sam told me all about it each time she tried to
tell you.  She'd come over to my place troubled about it and we'd talk. 
She is my friend.  She was very troubled about the whole idea of how she
was brought into your life.  Becky told her that she hoped you could
forgive her if you ever found out the truth.  Obviously, your wife put far
more faith in you than was deserved."

   "Leave my wife out of this."

   "Your wife is the reason you met Sam to begin with.  YOU are the reason
she's shacked up like a hermit...I think that she's not eating right...not
looking good...matter of fact, if I don't miss my guess, I think she's
trying to starve herself to death.  Over some worthless ass like you."

   There it was again.  Getting called a worthless ass was getting old to
me.  I had to ask myself though...was I acting like that?  Hearing that she
was starving herself to death struck me to the core.  Suddenly I realized
that if I lost her, I would have nobody left in the world.  That thought
hit home harder than I liked.  It was at that point that I realized that I
still loved her.

   "I see that you didn't argue with me this time."

   "What?"

   "You didn't argue that you weren't a worthless asshole.  Must have done
some thinking so far then huh?"

   "Where can I find her?"

   "Why?"

   "Look lady, you came to me.  You wanted me to go to her and talk to her.
No you're not going to tell me?"

   "I'm not so sure I want you to know where she lives now...I'm not sure I
want you talking to her.  If you have some idea of hurting her more than
you already have I won't be a part of it.  On the other hand, if you have
come to some kind of realization that you do still love her and want to try
to fix things between you..."

   "Where'd you get the idea that I came to some kind of realization the
I'd still love her?"

   "God...men are so stupid at times.  It's written all over your face. 
You've been fighting it ever since you found out...like you can't or
shouldn't be in love with an escort.  She's a person too.  A real, live,
blood and spirit woman who can and does love you, in spite of yourself."

   "Where does she live...please.  Look...I have acted...poorly.  It's just
everything that happened, and how it all happened...hit me hard...too
sudden."

   She looked at me hard for a bit...then reluctantly gave me Samantha's
address.

   "If you hurt her...believe me buster...I know some people who owe me big
time...you'll get to the other side in a long and painful way...just so you
know.  I'm serious about that too."

   I could see she was.  I had a chill go through me as she spoke.  She was
deadly serious.  Of course, I didn't know where this was all going...but I
felt I needed to talk to Samantha and try to see where we stood with each
other now.

   If you are asking...yes...I still loved her.  In spite of everything, I
had found that I couldn't get her out of my mind...or my heart.  I had been
sleepless night after night dreaming of her.  When I wasn't thinking of
Becky I was thinking of her.  I had been torturing myself for months now.
It was time to fix things right.

   Susan had given me Sam's phone number.  As she left she hugged me tight.


   "You could overcome this worthless asshole stuff you know.  I think that
once you figure out how to accept Sam you'll do just fine.  Just don't hurt
her...I meant what I said a bit ago."

   "I saw that in your eyes.  I won't hurt her intentionally.  I'm not sure
what she'll think of me now though."

   "Give her time.  Go easy and take your time.  Be honest above all. 
Don't hold back on your feelings or how you feel."

   "You know how I feel then?"

   "John I told you...it's written all over your face.  Face it buddy...you
love her...in spite of yourself."

   Her voice was hesitant on the phone.  She sounded tired.

   "Hello?"

   "Hi.  Its me...John.  Don't hang up...please...Samantha...please hold
on."

   Silence.

   Then, after a bit...

   "What do you want John?"

   "Can we get together and talk.  You and I?"

   "What's there to talk about John.  You were pretty clear that you wanted
me out of your life that day."

   "Look...I've been wrong...about a lot of stuff.  Can we just get
together and talk some...please?"

   "Okay.  Let's say we meet at...the park on Fourth Ave.  this afternoon
at say...three?"

   "The park on Fourth Avenue.  I'll be there at three sharp.  Um...where
exactly?"

   "There's a bench by the pond on the North side.  Follow the path from
the parking lot.  You can't miss it."

   As I drove over to the park that afternoon I wondered what I'd find? 
Would we be able to fix things or had I tossed it all away now?  I found
the closer I got to my destination, the more nervous I felt.  I was still
not sure how much I loved Samantha, or if I could overcome her past and the
deceit that had happened.  I was angry...a bit at Becky and a bit at
Samantha for having messed with me as they had.  Even if it had all been
for me and to help me...I still had some issues to resolve.

   Arriving at the park I saw that I was the only car in the lot.  It was
empty.  The day was quite hot of course, but I would have figured that
there would have been kids all over the place.  Maybe there weren't a lot
of kids in this neighborhood.

   Walking around the park I found the bench I believed to be the one
Samantha had told me about.  Sitting down, I looked around carefully, not
seeing anyone at all.  Had she stood me up then?  I sat there for about ten
minutes and was about to get up and leave when I saw her shadow fall across
the bench.

   I turned to see Samantha...but a different looking Samantha than I had
ever seen before.  She looked thinner, and pale.  Her eyes had large
circles around them, and she was dressed like she was afraid of getting
cold or something.

   "Hi."

   She said nothing.  Sitting beside me she just looked off and was silent.

   "Are you going to talk to me at all Samantha?"

   Still silence reigned.

   Frustrated I was about to get up and leave.  I had gotten her on time,
waited patiently, and then when she had shown up...finally, she refused to
talk to me.

   "Wait.  I just need a moment to collect myself.  Seeing you...I wasn't
prepared as much as I thought I was John."

   So I sat.  Quietly looking at her...or trying to, as she had turned away
from me now.  I saw her dabbing a hanky to her eyes time to
time...obviously trying to gain control over her emotions.  I felt real bad
now...as if I hadn't before...knowing that I was the cause of her state.

   A little bit went by...maybe twenty minutes.  I had reached out to put
my arm around her, but the instant I touched her shoulder with my hand, she
stiffened so much I feared that she was about to jump and run.  I pulled
back my arm and sat a bit stiffly now myself.

   "So...you wanted to talk then?"

   "Yes.  Are you okay Samantha?"

   "Fine.  I'm fine."

   "Are you sure?"

   "Say what you have to say John.  Get it over with."

   I sat there realizing that she must have figured that I was here to make
our break final and forever.  I felt worse now than I had.  I was unsure
where this would lead, and I was a bit afraid of how she'd react to me now
too.  Finally I plunged ahead.

   "Look, a while back I was harsh towards you.  Far harder than I had a
right to be.  I was hurt...yes...but I should have given you a chance. 
Instead, I pushed you out of my life.  Ever since I've been...tormented. 
If I'm not thinking about Becky I'm thinking about you.  My kids won't come
see me any more...my daughter hasn't talked to me in over two months now.
I'm miserable.  Terribly miserable.  I want it to all go away...but I can't
fix this by myself.  I need you Samantha.  I know that now.  I love you and
need you in my life."

   Nothing.  Her shoulders were shaking, a silent sign of the pain I had
rendered her.

   "I'm not sure what to do Samantha.  I love you and I've treated you
rottenly.  I have no right to ask you back into my life again...even if you
wanted to.  Everyone is mad at me because of what I did to you.  I couldn't
see how much you loved me...until it was too late."

   Still nothing.  Her shoulders had stopped shaking at least.  Feeling
that I may have made some headway at last...I started again.

   "Samantha...I was wrong to ask you to leave.  I was wrong to not trust
and believe you when you told me that you did love me.  I was wrong to
think that you did it only for the money.  Becky had shown me in so many
ways how much you loved me and I refused to allow myself to believe it. 
Can you forgive me?"

   So softly I hardly heard her, she spoke.  Never looking at me, just
speaking out in the direction she was looking in.

   "What is it you want John?"

   "What is it I want?  I want you.  I want you Samantha.  I know I love
you...I can't get you out of my mind.  I want you to be with me...forever."
"And if I don't come to you or feel the same way, what then?"

   "But...you told me you loved me that day...even after I sent you
away...I thought you loved me.  Were you acting then?  I talked to my
daughter, my boys, and Susan...they all claim that you love me.  Did you
lie to all of them then?  Don't you love me?  Look me in my eyes and tell
me you don't love me Samantha.  Look at me!"

   Turning slowly, so slowly I wasn't sure at first she was turning towards
me, she tore her eyes from her hands and brought them to mine.  Red rimmed
from crying, she was still beautiful as I remembered.  Not really healthy
as she had been...but still hauntingly beautiful.

   "I still love you...but you hurt me John.  I can't trust that you won't
hurt me again, whether in a few minutes or days...I can't take being hurt
again.  If you're here to just get even by acting like you love me now, and
then plan on dumping me in some kind of sick get even agenda...just get up
and leave.  I'll not come with you that easily, nor will I allow you to
hurt me anymore."

   I saw fire in her eyes as she started to talk.  The longer she went, the
louder she got.  By the end she was almost shouting.  I sat there unsure
what to say now.  We had both been hurt with all the revelations about our
whole time together, and we both had demons now too.

   "I don't want to hurt you Samantha.  I came here hoping to fix things
between us.  Maybe, if you were willing, to try and start over.  I was
wrong about so many things.  I listened to that old damned asshole lawyer
instead of my heart.  I should have known that Becky wouldn't have picked
out someone not fit to be with me.  I should have seen that you truly did
love me.  I should have known that you'd do the right thing by me and for
Becky too.  I'm ashamed of how I've acted...and I am telling you now...from
my heart...I do love you...and I do want you in my life...forever."

   "I can't come to you like nothing's happened now.  I want to believe you
John...but so much happened...it's been months...I'm not sure that I should
trust you...now."

   "Could we try a date?  Just you and me, out for dinner...maybe?"

   "I don't know..."

   "I'm trying Samantha...I really am.  I messed up big time...I have no
excuse.  None at all.  All I can do is try to get us back together, and the
only thing I can think of is a date.  Don't you want to try...at all
anymore?  Did I shove you away forever then?"

   "I...I just don't know John.  I want to believe you, that you are being
honest with me and that you're not playing a game...but all this time and
nothing from you...until today.  I'm a bit confused."

   "Susan came over and talked to me last night.  She was quite...forceful
with me.  I can assure you I am not playing a game.  I'm serious.  Serious
as hell."

   "Susan saw you last night?  She talked to you?"

   "Yeah...she was worried about you...called me up, and then got me to
meet with her.  She read me the riot act...called me...well it seems that
there is one thing everyone agrees on when talking about me anyway...she
called me a worthless asshole.  Not like I hadn't heard that...a lot
lately...but coming from someone I didn't know...and with such an
attitude...it got through to me."

   "Susan called you a worthless asshole?  Susan?  Wow."

   "Yeah.  She was quite...straightforward with me too.  Look, I'm not sure
what to say here Samantha.  I want us to get past this and move on...I want
you in my life.  I want to love you and have you with me every night when I
get home, or go to bed, or get up in the morning...I want you to share my
life with me.  I need you.  Without Becky and without you...I'm not even
half a man."

   "Susan called you a worthless asshole...man...that's a first."

   "She threatened me too.  Told me that if I hurt you again, that she knew
some people who would make my trip to the other side quite long and
painful."

   "She threatened you too?"

   "Yeah."

   "So, you think you need me in your life?  What if I don't want you in
mine anymore?"

   That struck me like a blow from nowhere.  Suddenly I was worried that
maybe I was the only one here that wanted to fix things.  I didn't know
what to say to her now.  Finally I decided to be honest...completely
honest.

   "Look, I know that I hurt you badly Samantha.  I was hard and...wrong. I
want you in my life, and I can't tell you enough about how sorry I truly
am, and how much I wish I could take back these last months.  I can see
that I pushed you too far away now though.  I've lost you."

   I stood up and started to turn away.

   "For what it's worth...I truly am sorry...and I truly do love you.  You
know my phone number...where I live and all..."

   I walked away.

   She said nothing as I left.  The walk back to my car was a long and hard
one.  I was lost now...far more than I had been too.  I realized, too
late...that I had lost two people I loved...one by death, and one by my own
hand.  I was also in danger of losing my kids now too.  I wasn't sure where
I was headed...but my future looked bleaker than it ever had before in my
life.

   I sat in my car for a long time...idling...hoping against hope that
she'd come running up to me and forgive me.  That wasn't to be.  Sighing, I
backed up and drove home.  Home to my empty and lonely house.  Home to an
uncertain future.  If Becky had been worried about me committing
suicide...at that moment I was closer than I ever had been before.

   Sitting at home I was lost in thought when the phone rang.  It was
Susan.

   "Hey.  You all right?"

   "Not really.  I screwed up big time."

   "You were honest with her...right?"

   "Yes.  I don't think she believed me though.  She thinks, or is afraid
that I'm playing some kind of sick game on her now."

   "What did you expect?  I told you that it wouldn't be easy.  It never
is. Give her some time.  I think she'll come around."

   "Hey...wait a minute...how'd you know that we met?"

   "Sam told me that she was going to the park to meet you today.  After
she got back home she called me and talked for a bit.  It's the first time
in ages that she's called me first.  That's a good sign.  Hang in there
bucko.  She may come around yet."

   "I doubt it...but thanks for calling just the same."

   "Just don't give up yet John.  Trust me."

   "Yeah...okay."

   I hung up, not believing Susan at all.  The look and the way Samantha's
voice had carried that last question to me haunted me deeply.  I could tell
that I had destroyed any chances of fixing things now.  I would be better
off...dead.  I had nothing.  Nothing at all.  My kids hated me...Samantha
hated me...I...hated me.  I hated what I had become...what I had done to
those I supposedly loved...I hated my life.

   The next day I went into work and put in my retirement.  The paperwork
took a lot less time than I figured it would, and by that afternoon, I was
pretty much on the way out the door...forever.  I drove home, planning the
next days and what needed to taken care of.  I had to make some money and
financial moves over the next week or so, and I wanted to make sure that I
did them right.

   I had made up my mind that moving away would do me some good.  My
home...my house held too many memories of times that had been full of
laughter, fun, and sunny days.  Now, sitting in any room there just made me
miserable.  It was time for me to make a change.

   Work had been stunned by my move to retire.  Of course, I didn't give
them much notice...and I was pressing everything and everyone to get it
done as soon as I could.  I wanted to be free of any kind of entanglements
now.  I needed to be able to do what I needed to do without something like
a job or work hanging over my head.

   Now that my mind was made up and I had a plan, I actually began to feel
a bit lighthearted.  Well...more cheerful anyway.  I had a plan, and my
life was soon to be fixed as well as I could fix it.  I could clearly see
my path for the first time in a long time.  Right or wrong, I had made a
choice.