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 The Accident Chapter Two



   If you read chapter one then by all means keep on reading.  If you
haven't read chapter one, I suggest you do as I am writing this in a book
type format.  To get a feeling for this or following chapters, you will
need to know what occurred in chapter one.

   After a couple of months of living on my own I recognized that I was
lonely, angry, and yes, even lost.  Sue had been my life and I couldn't
stop thinking of her.  She called me every day asking how I was then after
getting my small and very skimpy responses, she'd say goodbye and hang up.

   I heard that she had quit her job, moving to another agency.  She still
lived in our old apartment and would just go to work then go home.  I
wasn't doing much better myself.  I would go to work then home; sleep was a
thing from my past.  Now I would just lay in bed and toss and turn.

   I still loved her, hell; I still even wanted her.  I just couldn't
accept her cheating on me.  After those months apart I figured that I'd
have come to a decision about us, but all I had done is mope around more
and more.  It was affecting my job performance as well.  I knew I had to do
something, but now I wasn't sure what that was.

   One night I decided to go out.  I went to a lively dance club and soon
discovered that I was among the oldest there.  I hadn't been out much for a
while and it seemed my favorite places had become overrun with a younger
crowd.

   I sat at the bar and nursed my drink.  I was thinking that I had made a
mistake and should just head on home.  Suddenly a hand touched my arm.

   "Can I slip in here for a sec honey?"

   I was looking at a beautiful young woman.  Long blonde hair and a very
nice body.  A model's body but with a rather large chest.  I felt a
stirring in my pants as I moved over a bit allowing her in beside me.  The
perfume she was wearing danced in my nose and drew me to want to get to
know her even more.

   She glanced down at my left hand and smiled.

   My wedding ring gleaming in the backlight of the bar.

   "So, you're here, where's the wife?"

   "Pardon?"

   "I can see that you are married yet out at this club alone...makes me
wonder where your wife is?"

   "Oh.  Uh...well...we are not...uh...She's home...I mean...I'm in my own
place...now...and..."

   "Relax honey.  I'm not running away.  Tough times then?  Between you and
your wife I mean."

   "Yeah."

   Suddenly I didn't want to talk at all.  I was losing interest.  Damn Sue
and her damned cheating on me.  My life was fucked up and I didn't think
I'd ever get over her now.  Then, I go out and bump into a beautiful lady
and Sue still manages to mess me up...and I haven't seen her in over a
month.

   I looked up and saw this beauty smiling at me as if waiting on an answer
or something.

   "I'm sorry.  What did you say?"

   "I wanted to know if you would dance with me.  Out there...on the dance
floor?"

   "Oh...uh...sure."

   I got up and taking her arm we headed out on the floor.  She was dressed
in a black silky slinky dress with almost no back and a plunging V in
front. No Bra...the view between her almost showing breasts showed me that.

   As we danced to the rather fast tune, she kept in pretty close to me. 
We couldn't talk much over the noise, but she smiled at me quite a few
times.  That number was over before I knew it.  She grabbed my hand as I
turned to leave and she held me there.  A nice slow song started up.

   "One more...please?"

   "Okay."

   I put one hand on her middle back and took her hand in my other.  She
had other ideas and moving in close to me, she used her elbow to move my
arm that was around her back, down...a lot.  Her other hand was placed on
my chest.  I felt my heart jump as the electricity between us became
rarefied.

   Leaning in close to me I could feel her breasts rubbing on my chest, on
either side of her hand.  The arm I had around her back was now low down
and my hand was on naked flesh, just above her bottom.

   "You are a handsome man."

   "What?"

   "I said that you are a handsome man.  Probably the most handsome man
here tonight."

   "Oh...I wouldn't know about that...I..."

   "I do know about that.  I know my men.  You are quite handsome.  Dark
hair chiseled face, strong hands, tall, rugged...yet a certain yielding in
your eyes.  Quite a catch."

   I was uncomfortable with all this...praise from a woman I didn't even
know.

   "Um...thank you.  You are quite beautiful too.  Matter of fact, I think
you are the most beautiful woman here too."

   "There, two beautiful people dancing together...now that is interesting.
Don't you think?"

   "Yeah."

   I was not smooth by any means.  I was off step and unsure.  I hadn't
been in the dating loop for years and this sudden contact had unsettled me.


   "I'm Nancy.  Nancy Doogan.  You?"

   "Adams.  John Adams."

   "Any relation too..."

   "No...no relation to the President Adams.  I wish though."

   Her throaty laugh sent shivers down my spine.  Her voice and laugh were
sensual and very attractive.

   "I was thinking more of Samuel Adams...the beer?"

   The name Samuel caused me a brief anger...but it passed as soon as I
realized that she had no way of knowing.  Besides...Samuel Adams was a
pretty good beer, not my favorite, but I had drank it before.

   "I wish.  I'd have my own special brew if I were."

   Soon we were laughing and talking as we danced several dances in a row.
I forgot all about my situation and loved just being with someone other
than myself.  Nancy was a good dancer, and quite attentive.

   Before I knew it, over two hours had passed.  I was getting a bit hungry
and after asking Nancy, we decided to go out to a local restaurant for a
bit to eat.  As we walked down the block she took my arm and stepped in
close to me.  We were more like a close couple than the strangers we had
been just a few hours ago.

   We ate in a restaurant close to a park.  After eating, and talking to
each other, we took a walk through that park.  It was well lit and quiet
there.  After a bit we sat on a bench and just talked, learning more about
each other.  Before I knew it, more hours had passed and it was real late.
I offered her a ride home, which Nancy accepted.

   Dropping her off in front of her place, I got out and opened the
passenger side door.  As she stood, she leaned in close to me, and before I
knew what was happening, we kissed.  A longer, more lingering one followed
the first short kiss.  Then I pressed my tongue between her lips and she
parted them, allowing me to deeply kiss her.

   After that kiss, we were both breathing hard.  I was unsure of how or
where I should stop on this, our first 'date'.  I let her lead.

   "I have had a most wonderful time tonight John.  Thank you for rescuing
me at that dance club."

   Actually, you rescued me Nancy.  I had a great time tonight too.  I'm
glad we met.  Can I...uh...could I take you out for dinner some night
soon?"

   "Oh yes.  That would be great."

   "Um...Friday night?  About seven?"

   "Why, that would be perfect.  The day after tomorrow, at seven.  I'll be
waiting."

   We kissed briefly again, and again I slipped a bit of tongue inside her
mouth...loving the passion I was feeling between us.  As I turned to leave
Nancy tugged on my sleeve.

   "Next time will be a date.  You know what that means."

   "That we are going out?"

   "No silly.  It means that you are beginning to move on."

   Her words hit me like a cold bucket of ice.  She was right.  I had begun
to move on in my life finally.  Yet...I wasn't divorced.  I was only
separated.

   "I...Nancy, I..."

   "I know John.  You're not divorced and you feel strange about all of
this.  Trust me, I will not let myself be hurt, and I do understand.  I
really do.  See you Friday."

   With that and a little peck on my cheek, she turned and went into her
house.  I stood there for a moment feeling the high of a wonderful evening
and the pain of the knowledge of my recent life.  As I drove back to my
place I wondered how this was all going to play out.  My plan hadn't been
to get involved with anyone in a romantic way.  Maybe a short fling but not
any love bites as they say.

   The next day at work I was in the clouds.  My co-workers knew something
was up and they all knew that Sue and I had separated.  Not the real why,
but they knew we were not together anymore.  One of my closer co-workers
was on me about it.

   "So John...who's the new babe?"

   "Babe?  What makes you think there is a new babe in my life?"

   "Well, duh...the way you are floating around today it has to either be a
new babe or you and Sue are back in a good place.  Since I know that Sue
and you are not back together, then it must be a new babe.  Am I right?"

   "You know what Ginny?  You are too astute for your own good at times. 
How would you know that Sue and I weren't back together anyway?"

   "That's easy.  She left a message for you this morning just before you
got here.  You came in later than usual and her message told me that she
hasn't seen you.  You must have been late because you were out late last
night...and I saw you with some chick last night at that restaurant by the
park."

   "Damn...you had me going right up until the 'you saw me' part."

   "John, don't get hurt, that's all I ask.  After you and Sue split up you
were kind of hard to work with.  Your mind was always elsewhere.  Don't let
yourself get hurt again...okay?  I kind of like you and...well...just don't
get hurt."

   I was surprised.  Ginny had never shown any interest in me that I was
aware of.  Until now.  She was a single mom, working in a line of work she
obviously loved.  I knew that she had always been friendly to me, yet I had
never gotten one iota of an idea that she would be interested in me at all.

   I spent the whole day in the clouds regardless of Ginny's warning to not
get hurt.  I felt like a teenager at times.  When I thought of Nancy and
our date coming up my heart would pound and my pulse would rise. 
Anticipation was building me up and it was hard for me to concentrate on
the work at hand.

   Nancy and I had three dates after our first one before we
went...intimate.  That was an eye opening experience for me too.  Even
though I was trying to be objective, I felt myself being drawn towards
Nancy in a serious way too.  I wasn't quite in love with her yet...but I
was definitely in lust.

   That fateful date we went out to a dance club and then to a nice
restaurant.  After eating, Nancy mentioned wanting to show me her place. 
She was sitting next to me as I drove, and before we got out of the parking
lot of the restaurant, her hands had found my pants zipper, and she was
busy working it down as I drove.

   I was beside myself with lust and my cock was rock hard the instant she
touched me down there.  Before she had touched my zipper as a matter of
fact.  By the time I turned down her street her hot wet lips had taken my
cock between them and she was proving to be an excellent oral artist.

   Parking in front of her place, she kept working on my hard shaft until I
knew I was about to cum.  I tapped her on her shoulder to warn her, and she
just glanced at me while still sucking.  I could see a kind of smile in her
eyes as she slowly, ever so slowly took me fully into her mouth, and then I
lost it.

   She swallowed all my seed, spilling none.  I was amazed.  It had been
the best blowjob I had ever had in my life.  All of it done in a
semi-public place too.  As I came down, Nancy licked and sucked me
clean...then with a smile on her lips, she leaned into me and kissed me
deeply.  I could taste the saltiness of my cum on her lips and tongue as
she kissed me thoroughly.

   Taking my hand, she led me inside to her bedroom, where she proceeded to
undress me, then do a very sexy strip tease herself.  Once she was naked,
she pressed me back onto her bed, then straddled my chest.  As I reached up
and caressed her breasts, she leaned down and sucked my tongue into her
mouth.  I could feel the heat of her pussy on my lower stomach as my cock
throbbed and tried to reach out and touch her.

   Sitting up, she worked her body up, until her pussy was just inches from
my mouth.  I was wanting to taste her so bad at that point I wasn't
thinking of anything else.  I moved down a bit and just got the tip of my
tongue to slip along the folds of her very hot and very wet pussy lips. 
Her sweet and salty taste made my cock jump up and down as I tried to work
more of my tongue into her.

   She moaned, her hips rolling and then moving up until my whole face was
buried in her crotch.  I had fingers caressing around her little butt hole
as my other hand slipped up to cup a breast.  She moaned louder and began
to rock her hips back and forth.

   My whole face was getting wet, and my tongue was very busy, slipping in
and out of her overheated tightness.  I soon began to concentrate on her
little hard bud of a clit.  Each time my tongue would slip lightly across
it, she would drive down hard onto my face.  Almost cutting off my air
supple each time.

   Soon she began to cum.  Her orgasm was taking over her whole being it
seemed like.  I had two fingers right on her little butt hole, massaging
it, but not entering it.  As she came, her little hole back there opened up
like magic and I found those two fingers completely buried in her bottom.

   I could feel my fingers with my tongue as she rocked and rolled on my
face.  When she finished cumming, she shook and shook, while I was fighting
for a breath.  Just as I was about to get worried, she rolled off my face
and fell along side me.

   "Oh God...that was wonderful.  You are a first class pussy eater John.
Your wife was nuts to let you go like she did.  Oh baby...I want more. 
Lots more."

   "Well, I have lots more for you if you want sweetie.  You ain't so bad
yourself you know.  I love how you taste too by the way.  Finger licking
good."

   She took my fingers in her hand, and placed them in her mouth.  Sucking
on them like they were cocks, she looked into my eyes.  Then, as I watched,
she pulled them out and moved them down to her nipples...caressing her hard
little buds with my fingers...then she moved down farther.

   Soon my fingers were being guided into her hot and wet pussy.  I felt
the heat of her desire building inside her.  She had her eyes closed as she
pulled my fingers out of her pussy and guided them lower, until they were
once again entering her asshole.  There she let me finger fuck her for a
bit before pulling them out and up to her mouth, licking and sucking on
each of my fingers while looking into my eyes.

   "Baby...I want your hot hard cock right where your fingers have just
been...in that order.  Okay?"

   "You want my cock on your nipples?"

   "Yes."

   You want my cock in your tight little pussy?"

   "Yes."

   "Then you want my cock in your very tight little ass too?  Fucking you
hard, until we both cum together?"

   "Oh YES.  Hard...fuck me hard all over baby.  I need your cock.  I want
your cock.  I'm yours.  Whatever you want me to do...I'm yours."

   I sat up and straddled her heaving chest.  Her nipples were hard as
steel, sticking out about a half an inch.  Taking the head of my cock in
hand I began to rub it back and forth over each nipple in turn.  She was
moaning, begging and pulling on my ass cheeks with both her hands as she
twisted beneath me.  I began to move down between her legs and she pulled
them way up.

   Holding them spread wide open for me; I was looking at a woman so wound
she was splitting her legs wide open in front of me.  Her juices were
running down from her pussy over her ass and onto the bed.  I placed the
head of my cock right on her opening...and then moved it up and down,
sliding it between her lips, watching her eyes as I did.

   She was moaning like no woman I had ever heard before.  Holding her legs
so that her knees were along side her breasts, and her feet were pointing
straight up towards the ceiling.  I pressed forward, the head of my cock
shoving her lips aside.  Soon the velvety wet softness of her pussy was
grasping my shaft.  I was halfway inside her when she exploded in her
orgasm.

   AS she began to cum so hard, I shoved forward in haste and buried my
shaft inside her.  I could feel her pussy muscles milking my cock as she
came.  I felt like I had fallen inside her since her legs were alongside my
body now, and her skin had a sheen of sweat that made things slippery on my
chest too.

   I began to ram in and out, not gently, but actually just rutting with
her.  As I would pull out I could feel her pussy lips tugging on my shaft,
begging me to come back.  When I would drive forward, she would groan, but
not with a painful sound, but a needful sound.

   "Harder...yessssss.  Fuck me harder John...make me your bitch.  Take me.
Yessss...fuck me John."

   Her words were like a trigger to me.  The louder and more she moaned at
me to fuck her harder, the harder I fucked her.  Pretty soon I was driving
in and out so hard we were moving across the bed and headed for the floor.
I kept going and she seemed to keep cumming.

   On one good thrust into her, we both began to slide right off the bed.
Neither of us quit, keeping our fucking going as we hit the floor.  I moved
a bit, taking her with me and we cleared the bed and right there on the
carpet, I made her mine...just as she had been begging me to.

   My last hard thrust into her, just as I began to cum, she cried out and
shook so hard I thought for a second I had hurt her in some way.  Then I
felt her pussy flood with wetness.  Lots of wetness.  I drove inside and
held still as my cum pumped into the depths of her pussy.  Nancy was
moaning and crying out as we both went over the top.

   I collapsed on top of her hot sweaty body, then out of deference to her;
I rolled to one side.  As my weight slid off her, he moved to hug me
tightly.

   "Oh God...I want more.  A little rest and I want the rest of you.  You
are a damn good lover John.  The best I've ever had.  Your wife was a fool
to give you up like she did.  My God.  I wish I had fucked you that first
night now.  You are better than I figured you be, and I had high hopes then
too."

   "Well...you bring it out of me Nancy.  I've never had a lover quite like
you either.  You are very...very good at the oral sex.  Damn good.  I've
never had someone take me fully into her mouth and down her throat before.
So...in many ways...we are even."

   "Oh baby...no way.  I definitely got the best end of this deal.  Let's
go shower and see what comes up shall we?"

   She drug me into the shower, where we cleaned up together.  Once the
cleaning part was done, I was getting hard again and she began to play with
my cock.  Looking into my eyes she smiled.

   "Let's see now...two holes down...one to go.  Are you ready for some
back door loving honey?"

   "Uh...I should warn you...I've never done that before...I mean..."

   "Baby, follow my lead...I won't let you hurt me, and you will enjoy this
a lot.  Trust me."

   Taking my cock in her hand, she led me out of the bathroom and into the
bedroom.  Reaching into a drawer in the nightstand, she took out some
flavored gel and then sat on the edge of the bed.  Daubing some gel into
the palm of her hands, she took my hard cock into her mouth and began to
suck me.

   As she did, her hands went around whatever part wasn't covered by her
lips and soon I was slick and slippery.  Then, with more gel in one hand,
she turned onto all fours and pressed it into her little butt.  I watched,
fascinated as she began to shove two, then three, and finally four fingers
into her tight little bottom.

   Suddenly she took my shaft into her other hand and guided me in close to
her kneeling form.

   "See that hole honey?  That's where I want your cock next.  I want you
to fuck my ass off.  Stick that hard shaft into me and make me your bitch.
Take me John...fuck me.  Fuck my ass.  I want you there.  Fucking me."

   My pulse was racing, as I was about to go somewhere I hadn't gone
before. I felt a throbbing in my cock as I neared her bent form.  My cock
head brushed her asshole, and I swear that little hole opened up, then
closed, like it was begging me to push my cock deep inside.

   Nancy pulled on my shaft and soon the head was pressing into that little
beckoning hole.  The heat, the tightness, and the feel of her muscles
drawing me deeper just about made me cum before I was half way in.  I
stopped pressing in, hoping to hold off.  Nancy had other ideas, and with a
groan, shoved backwards, onto my shaft.

   Fully imbedded in her ass, I was fighting my orgasm, wanting to savor
this feeling for a bit yet.  It was a battle of wills almost, as Nancy was
trying to push and pull on my shaft and I was just moving with her, trying
to keep still for a moment.

   "FUCK ME.  YOU FUCKER.  FUCK MY ASS.  Come on John...Take my ass.  Make
me your bitch."

   At first she shook me up as she was almost yelling at me.  That was just
enough to keep me from cumming too soon.  As she calmed down and spoke a
bit quieter, I began to thrust in and out of her hot and oh-so-tight hole.
Nancy was crying and moaning, trying to make me go faster, harder, and in
full thrusts.  I was trying for shorter thrust, and also to be gentle.

   It became obvious, even to me, that she wanted me to ram her ass and
pile drive her into submission.  So, after realizing that I would hold off
for a bit in my orgasm, I began to give her what she wanted.

   "You want me to fuck your ass Nancy?  Huh Bitch?  You want me to ram my
cock into your tight little asshole bitch?"

   "YES.  Take me.  Make me your bitch.  Yes...fuck my ass.  Take me. 
Uh...oh...yessss."

   I rammed in and out of her harder and faster, as she moaned louder and
then began to cry out.  Her orgasm was overtaking her, and I was getting
close myself.

   With a few hard thrusts I began to cum, and as my hot white seed shot
into her tightness, she groaned and pushed back hard on my shaft.  Reaching
around, I pulled and pinched on her nipples as she began to shake
underneath me.  Just as she really got into her orgasm, I finished mine,
and began to thrust in and out harder and faster.  Nancy was almost
screaming in her need, and I was trying to meet her demands.

   "FUCK...ME..HARDER...HARDER.  OH YESSSS...I'M YOURS...I'M YOUR
B-B-BITCH."

   I was going as fast as I could and her ass muscles were just about to
squeeze my cock off, she was gripping me so tight.  For a second I was
worried about her actually doing some damage, but then she shot over her
plateau, and collapsed under me.

   I stayed with her as she sprawled out, and then, after catching my
breath, I rolled to one side.  She looked into my eyes.

   "First time my ass.  You've done this before.  Man, I am your bitch
forever now.  God...you were wonderful."

   "No, really, your ass is the first ass I have ever fucked.  It
was...amazing."

   "Damn John.  Your cock is just right for taking me and making me shake
the world.  Oh baby...I am glad I met you."

   I was uncomfortable with her praise and after some thought I began to
wonder why the most intense sexual experience of my life was causing me to
have second thoughts.  We lay around for a bit, then showered, where Nancy
showed me her genuine gratitude by sucking my cock and swallowing my whole
load.  Then I left for home.

   The next day I was having all sorts of doubts about me, about Nancy and
about where and what I was doing here.  I felt guilty for having gone to
bed with a woman.  A sexy and beautiful woman that wasn't my wife.  I had
to face the facts...I still loved my wife.  Like it or not, that great sex
had made me feel like a lousy excuse of a man.  It had changed nothing
other than to make me aware that I felt no revenge, no satisfaction.

   I avoided any place where I might run into Nancy for a few days, before
I realized that I at least owed her an explanation.  I called her up and
made a dinner date.  It was a rough date for me.  After I started to talk
to her about how I was feeling, she had begun to cry.  I felt bad, now
having hurt someone I liked...and I felt like I had used her.

   As she left, refusing my offer of a ride home, I felt doubly bad.  She
had been hurt, and I hadn't been able to handle this whole thing very well.
Kicking myself, I stood up to go pay the bill.  Just as I turned, I was
shocked to see Sue sitting at a table fairly close to where Nancy and I had
been.  She had a stricken look and wouldn't make eye contact with me at
all.

   I almost ran from the restaurant, now having all kinds of guilt feelings
deep inside.  My wife had seen me with another woman.  I had hurt that
woman in a most serious way.  I hated myself.  I hated Sue too.  If she had
remained faithful, none of this would ever have happened.

   The next few weeks were hell for me.  Sue wasn't answering her phone,
work went to hell, and at night sitting alone in my apartment, I was
driving myself crazy.  Beating myself up over how things with Nancy had
turned out, and wondering about Sue.

   I was still so angry over her cheating on me I would feel the muscles in
my back and neck tense every time I would remember that night in the ER. 
Muscles demanding that I do something very...physical to one person.  Mr.
Samuels.  I had to watch myself constantly for going out to find that
asshole and doing something that would really mess up my life.

   Headaches began to haunt me, probably from the tension I was suffering.
Each day became a nightmare.  Me, alone, against the world.  I hated my
life, and the reason I had come to this life too.  I finally ended up
having to go into a doctor for the headaches.  He listened to my reasoning
for the tension, then after giving me a prescription for some muscle
relaxants, also told me to go see another doctor.  A shrink.

   All I knew was I was in pain and needed to do something.  I went to the
shrink who began my long journey back to the living.  Three months after
that, I was feeling better, and actually able to put some of the pain
behind.  Then, the test came.

   I arrived at my apartment one night, after a long hard day at work, and
saw Sue's car sitting in front.  Walking into the front yard, she got out
and ran to catch up to me.

   "John...we need to talk.  We can't go on like this.  I...I need you.  I
want you home with me.  Either that or we need to call it quits."

   Stunned I stood there, keys in my hand and unable to think of a single
thing to say.  I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her close to me.  I
had missed her so much.  Yet, I also wanted to slap her silly for having
done what she had done to us too.

   "All right.  Lets talk.  Come on in.  I'll make some coffee."

   Sue looked at me uncertainly.  I could see she was wary of my possibly
getting physical with her and maybe hurting her too.  I shrugged and just
opened the front door.  Holding it open for her, until she finally made up
her mind and walked past me, into my apartment.

   "Look, I know that I hurt you...too much.  I've seen you around, seen
how you have looked and acted.  You have to believe that I am truly sorry
about all this.  John...I still love you.  I know about that...that..."

   "Her name is Nancy.  We are no longer an item.  The day you saw us
together in the restaurant was the day I told her that I couldn't see her
anymore."

   "What?"

   "You saw her leave.  She was in tears.  Do you think that I had asked
her to move in with me or perhaps marry me?  Her tears were because I broke
it off with her before she really got hurt.  It hurt me too.  All I could
think about...We had sex...and..."

   The words were getting harder and harder to say out loud.  Sue's face
showed a mix of anger and sorrow.  A sadness that I had never seen in her
eyes.  The more I tried to explain, the worse it got, for both of us.

   "So...you're saying it's over between us too John?  Is that it?"

   "No.  I'm not saying it's over between us Sue.  I don't know what is
between us, and I don't know what to do.  I love you, yet I hate you in the
same breath.  I have never felt this way and it has caused me to lose
sleep, and also to have to go see a shrink."

   "A shrink?  You?  God, you're seeing a shrink over all of this too?"

   "What do you mean...too?"

   "I've been going to a shrink...  too.  I saw that what I had done to
you...to us...was not a normal act of a loving wife.  I figured out that I
needed to see what had caused my lapse other than some schoolgirl need to
be complimented.  It had to be more than that."

   "So...we're both seeing shrinks.  How have your visits gone?"

   "I've found out some things.  I at least know part of why I did what I
did.  I'm not excusing myself mind you...but I know how I let it all happen
at least.  How to...not act on those type of feelings again."

   "Yeah?  Well, I'm not having any breakthroughs...but I have been
learning how to cope.  It hasn't been easy."

   I poured Sue some coffee and we both sat at the kitchen table and for
the first time, logically and calmly discussed our whole problem.  We
didn't arrive at any solutions other than we would talk and keep talking
for a while.  As she left that night, I reflexively reached out and hugged
her close to me.  Feeling her heart beating wildly as I held her close. 
Too close.

   Breaking away, she looked into my eyes with an unfathomable
something...and then turned and walked quickly away.  I stood at the door
for quite some time, thinking.  Why I had hugged her was something I
couldn't explain.  I had needed that hug though.  I really had needed that
hug.

   That night I had a wet dream.  A schoolboy, full fledged wet dream.  I
had to actually change my sheets in the middle of the night.  All I could
remember was that it involved Sue and me.  Having some of the hottest sex
we had ever had.  The next morning I felt drained, but like I had a future
after all.  For the first time in a long time, I was thinking of the future
in not so bleak terms.

   Sue and I continued to meet roughly three times a week, and slowly but
surely, a bond had been re-established between us.  It was a different type
of bond now, but we were still drawn together.  One night, after we had
actually joked and kidded each other quite a bit, I mentioned how nice it
would be to be living together again someday.

   Sue looked at me with a longing and deeply disturbing gaze and said the
same thing...only with more of a meaning to it than I had delivered.

   "I'd really like to be together with you again John.  Fully and
completely.  I don't want to lose you again.  Ever."

   I sat there like a big dummy, not sure of what I should or even could do
next.  Sue left right after that statement and I spent the rest of the
night unable to sleep.  Deep down I wanted to be with her and have her be
my wife again.  Deep down I was also fearful of being hurt by her too.  I
could see that I still had some very deep issues with her having cheated on
me.  Very deep issues.

   I wondered at times what she had been thinking every time she had been
with that asshole.  I wondered if we got back together, would I be able to
put that behind me?  Would I always be wondering if I was being compared in
some way?  The more I thought about it the more questions began to come up.
I realized that I was not yet ready to reconcile with Sue.  Not quite yet.