Child Brides of India

By C. Stanton Leman

Chapter 3: Arrival: Advice and Consent (slow, no sex)

I was one of the last to clear airport customs. Mom and Dad were there, waiting for me with smiles, hugs and kisses all around. We got my luggage loaded in the limo and headed for, what was now to be my new home.

We first talked of inconsequential things: the house back home, the end of college, my unexpected ‘cultural learning curve’ sabbatical, and the upcoming challenges I might face in a few months. Then, my dad broke the ice about our earlier conversation.

“Well, Son, have you given any thought to what you’ll do about that matter we discussed?”

Mom jumped in and said, “John. First off, we’re all family here: there’s no need to be so cryptic. Second, why not let him get home and settled before discussing anything specific. Let’s have this conversation in more comfortable surroundings when we have time to devote to the issue.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I replied, “but to give you the short of it, I have given it some thought and prayer and I’d like to get some advice from an Imam about what my duties and responsibilities are during the meeting with Adib and the introduction, if I choose to agree to it.

“I believe there is a type of protocol or decorum that is required, and what I do about my decision afterwards — either way. There’s just so much I’m not clear about and I don’t want to offend anyone, or worse, not correctly follow the teachings of Islam in this matter. Does that make any sense?”

“Makes perfect sense, Son,” Dad said cutting in. “You need to get all the information you think you need to make an informed decision. I just regret that I’ve put you in this position.”

“Good!” Mom chimed in. “Now we can put off arranging our son’s wedding to another day and I can have him for a couple of days all to myself!”

“Gosh, Mom, you’re sure taking this pretty lightly aren’t you?”

“No, in a way, it’s kind of exciting to actually see the working of other cultures first hand especially where women are concerned. But in another, I guess it’s my way of coping with a strange situation that could affect all our lives. Don’t let the humor fool you; your happiness is my first and only concern.”

“That’s why I want to get this right the first time, Mom. If and when I do decide to marry, I’ll have to follow Islamic precepts to do so no matter whether I marry here or anywhere else.”

We’d pretty much talked the topic out for the time being and I began asking mom about her cultural excursions and spending sprees. Soon, we were pulling up to the house where I would have a chance to work off the jet lag in a real bed.

After recuperating a few days and acclimating myself to the time difference, I used the services of my dad’s Indian secretary in an attempt to set up an appointment with the Imam of the Jama Masjiid Mosque, the largest mosque in India, which also happens to be in New Delhi. It took her several days, but she was able to arrange for me to meet with him through a Muslim translator that Thursday, two days hence.

I arrived at the mosque in time for evening prayers and afterwards, with a Muslim colleague of my father’s translating, the Imam and I made our introductions and so we began our meeting.

“Assalamu aliakom,” I spoke as I placed my hands together in front of me and slightly bowed… hoping I was giving the correct, respectful greeting.

“Wa aliakum asslalm,” he replied with a smile, and with that, he extended his hand which I shook respectfully.

He, seeing my apprehension as to how to start, quietly began, “I understand you are a new convert to Islam and would like to discuss a matter of concern to you. Praise be to Allah, peace be upon Him. You are seeking direction regarding the correct practice of courtship and marriage according to Islamic law. Is this so?”

“I think so, Imam,” I replied. I then went on to repeat in detail, the conversation I’d had with my father regarding Mr. Haaseem’s proposal for an introduction to his daughter. I also explained my understanding of the custom as I had related it to my dad. I then asked Imam, “Is this a formal request by him to meet and consider his daughter as a possible bride?”

“Yes, it is,” he replied. “Matters such as these are spoken of politely and indirectly as a matter of custom. Otherwise, it might be taken in offense. It is important to understand that during conversations such as these, respect is shown to all persons concerned: especially the woman. If she’s a virgin of legal age or not, she’s usually never present at the father’s first request and sometimes neither is the intended male suitor. Many times, these initial requests are made between the fathers of the intended couple. I take it from the events you’ve just explained she’s a believer?”

“Yes, Imam, she is from a Muslim family. Mr. Haaseem has requested to meet with me personally, through my father. Is this because I’m of legal adult age and have the right to make my own decisions?”

“You have proceeded properly in that the first step is to ensure and it is preferable that you marry a Muslim girl. Islamic law allows you to marry a woman of the book, meaning a Christian or a Jew, but marrying a Muslim must always be your first choice. When you say the phrase ‘legal age’, you must remember, my son that the term ‘legal age’ in Islamic law doesn’t necessarily mean fully grown. In Islamic law, when a boy reaches fifteen years of age, or becomes sexually potent, he is considered a man. But there is also the concept of Rashd, which is translated as “a mature ability towards sensible conduct.” This is to insure that he is capable of maturely discharging his duties as a husband and to his family. For the girl, the term Rashidah means the same thing. According to Islamic law, the normal acceptable minimum age for a virgin girl is, by interpretation, to be eight, or having reached puberty with menarche being the indicator. At that age, she must still be able to demonstrate a certain level Rashidah. If she demonstrates the maturity to consent, with her guardian’s consent, to marry, and being able to know what it means and to consent to consummation of her marriage, it is a valid marriage contract.”

Now, it was my turn to be shocked, as I interjected, “Are these marriages actually legal in India? Isn’t this a form of pedophilia? How can a child of eight, who still plays with toys, have the mental and emotional maturity to properly examine the consequences of such a decision on her life?”

After a moment of silence (I guess to calm the conversation), he began again. “Each case is different, as are people. And yes, Indian law recognizes many of these marriages. Although the usual norm is to marry someone nearer to one’s own age, there are parents who arrange marriages for their virgin daughters at an early age. In any event, the girl must consent, or the marriage contract is invalid.”

“What do I do if this girl, Sarah, falls into this category?”

“Then each man decides for himself. If the girl’s age is unacceptable to you, then terminate any further meetings. If she does demonstrate maturity beyond her years, then look at her qualities more critically because people, especially the young, change over time.”

“God forbid, that I be attracted to a child…”

“Whatever her age, Allah has your bride handpicked and will present her to you when He deems all is ready to be ordained.”

“So, what questions may I ask the father concerning the girl in order to decide on meeting her?”

“Let us back up for a moment,” the Imam said looking at me seriously, “Are you considering taking a wife? Have you prayed about this, or is this a matter that has been thrust upon you by the girl’s father’s request?”

“That’s part of my problem,” I said. I then went into detail about the prayers and supplications I’d made regarding my coming to India, my new job and any direction these events may take my life, and the feeling of peace that I’d experienced after praying. I also went on to tell him that I’d prayed about this meeting and introduction and what it might bring, and again, I had no misgivings or feelings of negativity about any of it. In light of this, I interpreted my feelings as Allah having not yet revealed His will for me, but I had no fear of agreeing to the idea. I just needed guidance on how to properly proceed according to Islamic law.

“If what you’re telling me is true, I’d say that if, after meeting with her father, that you are satisfied by your initial inquiries that she is acceptable for you to meet, then meet the girl. It may be that Allah has a help-mate for you in your new journey.”

“Alright then,” I went on. “Again, what questions may I ask the father concerning the girl in order to decide on meeting with her?”

“You may ask general questions as to her age and physical appearance such as height, does she have any physical or mental deformities. Her health: can she bear children? But do not ask pointed questions about physical appearance so as to determine her physical desirability, how do you in the west say, her sexiness. This is forbidden!

“Most important is her other qualities. How strong is her faith? Is she of strong character? Can she act in your best interests, forsaking her family in deference to her husband? Is she good-natured? How well does she get along with her siblings, her parents or with others? Is she family oriented? What of her schooling and education? When you talk to her, does she seem like you and she are compatible: easy to talk to? Can you talk to each other or is it strained? Is she prone to secrets? It is a sin to mislead or lie to each other.

“Islam considers marriage a holy contract, and not to be taken or entered into lightly. By evaluating the qualities of a woman for marriage, you must ask yourself, ‘Does she possess the qualities that are complimentary to mine that will ensure a lifelong partnership.’”

“I see,” I replied while trying to digest all he’d said. “And what if I feel we have no connection — not so much a physical one, but a mental and emotional connection that indicates qualities she might possess that are yet to be revealed by getting to know her better?”

“Then, compliment her in the name of Allah, and truthfully tell her that you feel it is not meant for you to be her husband. Women are fragile creatures and as such, you are admonished to be kind and gentle to her and show her respect; even though she may feel rejected. That pain is far less than the pain of an unhappy marriage. If Allah ordains the marriage, there will be something about her that will move your heart to seek out the source. Deep within her where that source resides, you will find your bride. The rest is up to you and your personal walk with Allah, Praise and peace be upon Him.”

“What if we make that connection and we’re both moved to get better acquainted?”

“Your understanding of Muslim courtship is correct. The Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon Him, has stated “Not one of you shall meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative.” The Prophet also said, “Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them.” These admonishments are to prevent lust from being a factor. We must always follow the commands in the Koran, which tell couples to ‘lower their gaze and protect their modesty.’ This may be evidenced by the girl only glancing at you momentarily and not looking you directly in the eyes for any length time. Both of you are to look at each other with a critical eye, not a lustful one.

“If both of you wish to continue, want to know each other better and start the courtship phase, then the two of you can arrange to meet, in the presence of one of her relatives to talk and spend time together for the purpose of getting to know each other better, but it will always be chaperoned.

“If the two of you are seriously considering a possible marriage, you both should seek Allah for help, guidance and peace before proceeding. This is done by praying a prayer for guidance. It is called the salat-l-istikhara. I will send the text of it to you. Then, if both agree, they pursue the final steps toward marriage.

“I believe I’ve given you enough direction as to how to proceed — either way, for the immediate future. If and when the time comes, we can meet again and discuss the procedures for Nikah, or the actual marriage contract and ceremony. Go in peace, and all praise and honor be to Allah, the Knower of all unknown, be your strength and guidance. Assalamu aliakom.”

“Thank you, Imam, for your time and guidance. Wa aliakum asslalm.” With that, we parted and I made my way home, contemplating all that had transpired this past seven days.

Both of my parents must have been anxiously awaiting my return. They were sitting in the study, stating that they’d held dinner until I got home. With that said, we headed to the dining room to eat. Dinner began quietly, but again, it was my father that broke the silence.

“Well? Are you going to say something, or do we have to pull it out of you?”

Mom looked at Dad, and then placing her hand on his, she said, “John, calm down. He’ll speak when he’s ready. I think we already have an idea what he’s going to say anyway.”

“Mom, Dad, I’d like to discuss this in more detail after dinner, but I’ve decided to meet with Adib and meet Sarah.”

My mother, trying to relieve some of the tension said, “There now, it’s all out in the open. Now can we have a nice, friendly family meal?”

My father didn’t look so accepting. With a cryptic look on his face as if contemplating for a moment, slightly nodded, smiled and said, “Sure.”

After a somewhat more relaxed dinner, thanks to Mom (the perpetual mediator) babbling on about her delving into Indian and Muslim culture. She said that she had needed to learn more about her son’s faith and new lifestyle.

After dinner, Dad asked Pita, our maid, to serve coffee in the study, where we then proceeded. Dad sat behind his desk, Mom on the couch and I sat in an armchair, turning it so I was semi-facing them both.

I sat for a moment collecting my thoughts, then began. “Dad, I know you somehow feel responsible for all of this and you’re obviously concerned: both about meeting with Adib, and with his daughter. First of all, it’s not the end of the world. Second, I know you feel a little ‘betrayed?’ by your friend — is that the right word? Anyway, I’ve prayed about it, thought about it, sought the advice of the Imam, and I feel a strange calmness about the whole thing. I’m not shocked, frightened, or put off by any of it.

“Without trying to sound too religious or pious about things, only God knows what the future holds: for me, my family, my future, and also for Adib and his family. I do know that I haven’t had any heartfelt feeling that this is a bad thing: either religiously or personally to do. Try to put yourself in Adib’s shoes. If you felt something or some action on your part was in my or our family’s best interest, you’d probably do the same thing, no matter how strange it may seem to anyone else, right? So try not to be too hard on your friend.”

I went on to retell of my meeting with the Imam, and without repeating word for word, told them that the Imam said that it was a plea on Adib’s part to meet with Sarah for the consideration of possible marriage. I also told my parents that simply meeting for the first time is only the first step, that many of these introductions don’t go any further and that both the man and woman must agree to all the steps along the way.

My mother looked at Dad, then at me, then back at Dad. I guessed that she was chomping at the bit to say something, but was deferring to my father to make the first comment.

Dad, rocked back in his chair, and began. “I’ve given this a lot of thought, and there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ about the whole thing. For example, ‘what if’ she’s a minor? What’s her age? They marry girls — even children here. Their customs are not ours. They view these things differently. ‘What if’ she’s still in school? Do you want to get involved with a schoolgirl? Would a marriage like this be recognized as legal back in the States? ‘What if’ she’s being coerced in some way to get married? ‘What if’ you and this girl ‘hit it off’ and decided to… what do you call it — court? How’s this going to affect the real reason why you’re here: namely, to run a company, or have you forgotten that?”

“Whoa, Dad, slow down, you’re starting to hyperventilate! Let’s take things one at a time. You seem to forget that even though I’m a college graduate with a PhD, I’m still only eighteen years old. If she’s say, sixteen or seventeen, that’s still an acceptable age range for dating and marriage in the U.S. If she’s younger, I’m not sure what U.S. law is regarding such marriages, but I do know that the U.S. government usually recognizes a legal marriage made in a foreign country by an American as being legal.

“As to her being a schoolgirl, if she is sixteen or seventeen, she will still be in school, as would probably an older girl because she’d be attending college. College students marry all the time.”

Now for the shock part… I went on to explain what the Imam had revealed to me regarding the Islamic interpretation of legal age and requirements, the conditions of ‘a mature ability toward sensible conduct’ towards marriage by both parties, and how that might apply to a very young girl. Finally, about the need for the girl’s consent for a valid marriage contract. Also, that these marriages were recognized as legal in Indian secular law. Once I finished these revelations, I waited for the hammer to drop…

All I saw were open mouths, and silence.

Mom spoke first. “What if this girl is eight or nine? What will you do then? What if she’s eleven or twelve?”

I looked at both of them and said, “Having those examples to deal with, not having yet met the girl, I’d decline an introduction. I cannot imagine a scenario where I’d pursue a girl of that age: and it makes me shudder to think of a child of eight in any intimate context. If she were, say, eleven or twelve, she’d have to be my equal, in the sense of being very mentally and emotionally advanced in education, interaction with older peers, and a history of demonstrated ability to adapt in an adult environment. I’m using myself as a gauge: does that make any sense? If I am, at eighteen, considered in the eyes of older peers — you, Dad, being one, is old enough to run a company, then there are certainly young women who have the same abilities as I. Don’t you both agree?”

Not waiting for an answer, I continued, “Look, let’s put this age issue to rest for our purposes. If Sarah is below the age of sixteen, which is only two years my junior, I will not proceed with an introduction as Adib has requested. Having said that, in order for us to be compatible she would still have to demonstrate maturity beyond sixteen. I see no problem meeting him or his family in a purely social setting such as a dinner or a public function. Does that alleviate your fears?”

Dad then spoke up. “Okay, Son. I agree with what you said about the age issue. I guess everything will now hinge on what Adib has to say about his daughter.”

Mom kind of lowered her head and mumbled something that dad and I couldn’t make out, and Dad asked, “What is it you have to say, Joan? Get it all out now, or you give up the right to bitch about it later. Come on, out with it!”

Mom looked at the ceiling, as if for inspiration, then looking at each of us in turn began: “Not all of my ‘excursions’, as you call them, John, have been cultural. Because I was an educator and Sean’s teacher, I have also been observing their educational system here. One fact stands out, and that is, there are an awful lot of kids — boys and girls — that are like Sean: pure geniuses. A lot of these kids put ours to shame!

“I was just remembering this, and thinking that meeting a girl such as Sean describes is within the real realm of possibility here. What if, by the will of God, or Allah, or whatever Higher Power that’s controlling our lives, were to put Sean in such a position? I mean, with the right girl, say eleven or twelve, at the right time, and their hearts connect: what then? Do we dismiss those same qualities that we hold so special in Sean simply because she’s a girl?” Her voice was slowly gaining volume and force while she continued her diatribe, “Were we right in our duties as parents to allow Sean to grow up, assume responsibility for his actions and decisions at such an early age? And what now? He’s eighteen and going to run a company — your company! Is he more responsible because he’s your son?” Having finished, she relaxed and sat back putting her hands in her lap.

With that, I looked at Dad, who was chewing the inside of his cheek, and back at Mom, who had an imploring look on her face waiting for his response. I wanted to hear what Dad’s answer to that was, and I wasn’t about to put my two cents in … just yet.

He looked at Mom, and slightly turned his head as if to work out a kink, then replied softly, “When the hell did you become an advocate of child marriage? Laying the love issue aside, there are real legal ramifications to consider here! What if the U.S. doesn’t recognize such a marriage? Could he be prosecuted in the U.S.? These questions will need answers if this kind of scenario comes to light. Legalese aside, what you say is true about recognizing the same qualities in someone other than Sean, but I have to say, she’d have to be pretty damn special for me to see or even consider it!”

I guessed it was time for me to put my ‘two cents’ in, so a said calmly, “I agree with you, Mom, in that, although you and Dad are Baptist and I’m Muslim, we all agree that God’s will for us is unknown to us except the day we’re living in. Yes, anything under the sun is possible, though not very probable. I don’t know what God has in store for me, I just trust in my faith. Isn’t that what you’ve both taught me? I believe we’ve covered the ‘what ifs’ pretty well, but the purpose of this discussion, I believe, has come full circle. As I said at dinner, I’ve decided to meet with Adib and discuss Sarah. I’ll try to obtain as much information about her as I feel is necessary to make a decision. There’s one guideline we all agree on and that’s if she’s under sixteen, the deal’s off. Agreed?”

Mom said, “Agreed.”

Dad’s reply was “Amen to that.”

I then looked at Dad and said, “Now for the next step: give Mr. Haaseem a call and set up some time to meet. I’d appreciate it if you’d to be there also.”

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world!”

“Okay Dad, make the call.” With that, Mom and I both rose and started to leave the room. When we reached the doorway of the study, I turned to close the door and I could hear my Dad say, “Hello Adib? Yes, it’s me, John…”