The Wanderings of Amy
Copyright 2002, 2004 by EC
http://www.ecgraphicarts.com
(Warnings: Adult sex, erotic discipline, public nudity)

Chapter 20 - A Conversation with Burnside

Wendy's disappointment with not having been punished at the Halloween Party 
intensified throughout the first two weeks of November. Perhaps Amy and Paul 
did not need to be punished, but she did. Wendy increasingly became convinced 
that an intense punishment experience was what she needed to get over her 
problems with gambling. She realized that she could not talk to either Amy or 
Suzanne about what was going on inside her head. They would not understand. 
Finally she decided to talk directly to Dr. Burnside.

In the middle of November Wendy went to Burnside's house with a copy of her 
book, "Wendy". Her heart pounding, she rang the professor's doorbell. It was 
strange to see Burnside opening the door dressed in a simple sweatsuit, instead of 
a business outfit or a fetish outfit. Yes, even Ruth Burnside wore sweats.

Burnside was working on some lesson plans, but she was not really rushed, so 
there was some time for her to sit with Wendy and look at her book. Wendy was 
so nervous she barely could speak. She could not look her former professor in the 
face. At first Burnside was totally perplexed as to why Wendy had come to her 
house. She could tell that Wendy was not too sure herself. However, she was 
polite to Wendy. She invited her in and offered her some tea.

Wendy sat down. She looked at Burnside nervously. Her hands shook as she 
gripped her book. It was the professor who began.

"Wendy, from the looks of you I'm going to guess there is something in your life 
that you are having a lot of problems with. I'm going to guess that you expect me 
to help you. I hope it's not something with your studies, since you're not my 
student."

Wendy nervously shook her head. Finally she held out the book to her hostess. 
Burnside took it, read the back cover, and thumbed through it. Immediately it 
captured her attention. Burnside thumbed back to the beginning of the book and 
read the introduction. She skimmed over the essays and again looked at the 
pictures. The issue Wendy was dealing with was clear enough. The fact that 
Wendy had come to her for help also was clear enough. What Burnside was not 
sure about was how to help Wendy. She looked over the pages trying to figure out 
what was going on in Wendy's head and what she wanted. That was hard, since 
Wendy did not know herself what she wanted.

Burnside studied Wendy's drawings for their artistic merit. They were extremely 
good. Some of the images aroused Burnside. Every so often Burnside looked up 
at the artist, who was fidgeting nervously. Finally Burnside decided to get some 
more answers from Wendy.

"Your work is very good. I'll be honest and tell you that your pictures excite even 
me. But I need to know why you're showing me this book."

"I...I don't really know. I...need help. I don't know what to do. This...thing in 
me..."

"Wendy, let's get something straight. There is no "thing" inside you. You gamble 
because you want to. The issue you face is not getting rid of a 'thing'. The issue is 
convincing yourself that you don't want to gamble anymore. What you're dealing 
with is not a chemical dependency, and you'd better stop thinking of it like that."

"Dr. Burnside, my counselor says that..."

"Bullshit. What you do is because it's what you want to do. There is no 'thing'. 
Now, what do you want from me?"

Wendy fidgeted. She looked at the floor. She couldn't answer because she still did 
not know.

"Let's get something else straight. I don't like people who look away during a 
conversation. You look at me."

Reluctantly Wendy looked up. Her eyes met Burnside's.

"Now answer. What do you want?"

Wendy shook with fear. Her voice was barely audible.

"Dr. Burnside, this past Spring I gambled $ 60,000 dollars. I want...I need..."

"Come on, Wendy, out with it. You need to say whatever it is that you want to tell 
me."

"I need to be punished. I need to suffer. I need to pay for my stupidity...with real 
pain.."

"And so you are asking that from me..."

Wendy nodded her head. Burnside's lips tightened.

"Wendy, you don't nod when I ask you a question. Now, answer it properly."

"I...I want you to whip me. Like in my drawings."

"Whip you? Why? What good do you think that's going to do you?"

"I…I don't know. I…just want it to stop. I want it all to stop."

"What to stop, Wendy? I'm not going to try to guess what's going on in that brain 
of yours. So let's hear it."

Suddenly Wendy broke down crying.

"I hate my life! I can't stand myself! Those pictures…that's what I want to happen 
to me! And no one gets it, no one understands…not even you! I thought…you'd 
understand…but you don't!"

As Wendy buried her face in her hands, Burnside suddenly was faced with a 
dilemma. The girl was asking her for help. The professor took a deep breath, 
trying to figure out how to deal with this huge burden that suddenly had been 
thrust upon her. 

Burnside was not a subtle or gentile person. She was not one to sit with Wendy 
and hold her hand and try to comfort her. Burnside suspected that Amy and 
Suzanne must have spent the entire year trying to comfort Wendy, to no avail. It 
was apparent that she had been receiving counseling, but that wasn't working 
either. Wendy did not need to be comforted; what she needed was quite the 
opposite.

"Wendy, sit up! Get your hands off your face and sit the fuck up!"

Wendy was surprised as being spoken to so harshly. She complied, although tears 
continued to stream down her face.

"Now, we need to get a few things straight! Don't tell me that I'm the one who 
doesn't understand, because it's YOU! You're the one who doesn't understand! 
You don't understand a god-damned thing about who I am or why I do what I do! 
And something else. You say that you want to be punished like in your drawings. 
It's obvious you don't know what you're talking about! There's no way I'd go that 
far with anyone, even if they asked me to! I'm not into punishing people to the 
point I have to pay their hospital bills! Your drawings are excellent, but they're 
not real! It's obvious you can't separate fantasy from reality if you think you could 
endure what's in your drawings!"

Wendy sat silently, shaking slightly. Suddenly, Burnside realized something that 
alarmed her. Wendy was in very serious psychological trouble, something that 
went way beyond a simple addiction to gambling. Burnside wondered if perhaps 
she was only days away from committing suicide. There was only one way to find 
out, and that was to ask her quickly and directly, extracting the truth before the 
student had time to think of an evasive answer. Burnside drew a quick breath.

"OK, a quick question. Are you, right now, thinking about committing suicide?"

Wendy sat silent.

"I asked you a question. Are you thinking about committing suicide?"

"Yes."

"And how are you planning to do it?"

"I thought about cutting my throat."

"With what? What are you planning to use?"

"My fantasy was one of those old straight edge razors, but I don't know where to 
get one. So, I…I have this Swiss Army knife with a real sharp blade."

"You gave it some thought, then, method and instrument. Got it all figured out."

Wendy looked at the floor. "Yes, Dr. Burnside. I've been thinking about it."

Burnside stood up.

"You're thinking about cutting your throat with a Swiss Army knife. How nice! 
How fucking selfish of you! Did you ever give it any thought as to what that 
might do to Amy or your photographer friend, if they found you dead with your 
throat cut? Or to your parents, if they had to see you in the morgue with a big, 
bloody gash in your neck? Any thought about any of that at all? Or was it just all 
about you?"

Wendy sadly shook her head.

"Don't you shake your head, you answer my question!"

"No, I never gave that any thought."

"So it was all about you! Poor little Wendy, oh poor baby, how much she 
suffered! Never mind anyone else! Never mind that the people who care about 
you the most are the ones who you'd hurt the most by cutting your throat! Never 
mind that whoever finds you would have to look at a floor full of your blood, deal 
with the police, explain to everyone what happened, try to make sense out of it 
themselves, and probably have nightmares for the rest of their life! I guess that 
just doesn't matter! Think about that, for a change!"

Wendy sat staring straight ahead of her, tears running down her face.

"I was hoping that…maybe if you punished me, it would force out whatever it is 
in me that's making me…I don't know…making me think all this stuff."

Burnside thought about the situation. She realized that she did have a good 
opportunity to help her forlorn guest, because she felt that she understood Wendy 
better than anyone else in her life. Burnside suspected that she had been the first 
person to hear her visitor clearly admit that she wanted to commit suicide. It was 
obvious that the kindness and support that Wendy had been receiving were not 
helping her. Burnside was convinced that instead of being treated with kindness, 
Wendy needed to be treated roughly and submitted to a very strict regime. What 
the girl needed was a lifestyle change. Yes. A lifestyle change, that was it. She 
needed to be driven, to be forced into a structured existence, and face real 
consequences if she failed to meet her obligations. Burnside thought about basic 
training in the Navy. She remembered one part of her training, facing the gas 
chamber. She had been afraid of the gas chamber as much as everyone else. But 
when she came out, cleared her lungs, and wiped the snot and tears off her face, 
she felt better about herself. Burnside realized at that moment she could face her 
fears and overcome them. Wendy needed something along those lines. The 
professor felt she could do something that would work.

"What you are asking from me is something more long term. Sure, I can whip 
you. But what good will that do if you don't change your lifestyle? It's your 
lifestyle you need to change. You have a lot of stupid thoughts floating around 
your head, and what you need is a long-term change in the way you live to get 
your mind on something else. That's why people go to in-patient counseling, to 
change their lifestyles and to change what they're thinking."

Wendy looked at Burnside intently. The professor mulled over her next words. An 
idea began to take shape in her head.

"Wendy, how would you like to live with me in the Spring? I can work with you. 
I'll make you change your lifestyle."

Wendy nodded. Burnside's face became tense with anger.

"Wendy, you do not nod when I ask you something! That's the third time I told 
you! Answer me properly!"

"Yes, Dr. Burnside, I'd like it if you can help me. I'll live with you, if you think it 
will do me any good."

"OK. I want to explain a few things. Once you move in, you will give up your 
independence and your life as you now know it, for the entire Spring semester. 
The moment you come through that front door, you will remove all your clothing, 
and you will put on a collar. That collar will be the only thing I will let you wear 
when you are in my house. Once you enter my house I will lock up your clothes 
and you won't see them again until you leave in May. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Dr. Burnside."

"You will study. You will take a full load of correspondence classes in your major 
and get A's in all of them. I will check your work before you send it off. You'll 
exercise and get into decent physical shape. I will give you a schedule that you 
will adhere to. You will not have much time to think about gambling, or anything 
else. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Dr. Burnside."

"You will be responsible for maintaining my house clean to my satisfaction. You 
will cook my meals. You will clean my shoes and iron my clothes. You will serve 
me and my guests. You will host my Mardi Gras party. You will do whatever I 
tell you to do. You will satisfy me sexually, when I'm not with one of my other 
friends. If you make any mistakes you will confess them immediately and I will 
punish you. You do anything that irritates me and I will punish you. If I need to 
tell you to do something twice I will punish you. If you ever give me or anyone 
else attitude, I will punish you. Do you understand all that?"

"Yes, Dr. Burnside, I understand."

"Now, is that what you want?"

"Yes...Dr. Burnside, that is what I want."

"Good, so we have an agreement. I want you to think this over until the end of the 
semester. I expect you to finish well and get A's in your classes. Don't sign up for 
anything in the Spring except correspondence classes. I can help you get a couple 
of independent studies so you don't lose the semester if you can't get a full 
schedule. If you are determined to go through with this, be here the day after 
Christmas at 9:00 am. You'll need to bring a cell phone that you can re-charge. 
That's all you will need. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Dr. Burnside, I understand."

"There is something else I want you to understand. This will be a chance for you 
to start over. It's a second chance at life. Beats cutting your throat."

----------

Wendy left the house with her emotions in turmoil. She was dreadfully afraid of 
her tentative arrangement with Burnside. It was obvious that Wendy would suffer 
intensely during the time she would spend with her former professor. She 
wondered about the classes. The fact that Burnside wanted her to take 
correspondence classes and independent studies obviously meant that she would 
not be let out of her mentor’s house. She would spend the entire semester in 
isolation, naked, and at Burnside's mercy.

As cruel as the professor would be to her, it also was obvious that Burnside's 
thoughts never excluded Wendy’s future. She would be taking a full load of 
classes, or at least close to it. Academically, her impending sentence of servitude 
would not affect her. Wendy understood that her future mistress expected her to 
leave the house at the end of the spring semester and continue with her studies 
and her life.

Wendy trembled at the thought that the slightest mistake on her part would result 
in a punishment. She had seen Burnside's array of punishment devices. Probably 
she would feel all of them at some time or another. That scared her and excited 
her at the same time. Over the past six months the student had fantasized 
continuously about horrible punishments being inflicted on herself. Burnside had 
said that she did not go that far, but Wendy knew from her own experience that 
Burnside knew how to inflict intense pain on another person. If Wendy went 
through with the arrangement, her body would be feeling that pain on a daily 
basis.

Burnside had said that Wendy would be wearing a collar. Wendy knew enough 
about S&M culture to realize the significance of that statement. Wendy officially 
would become Burnside's slave at 9:01 on December 26.

----------

What Wendy did not realize was that her upcoming servitude under Burnside 
already was changing her. For the first time since the Spring she forgot about her 
urge to gamble and her secret urge to commit suicide. She had to get ready for 
December 26. There was a lot to take care of.

She started with her parents, telling them that she was going to enroll in an intense 
in-patient counseling program at the end of the semester, something similar to a 
boot camp. The only contact she would be permitted with the outside world would 
be her cell phone, and that only in the case of an emergency. Wendy's father, still 
totally perplexed at his daughter's gambling insanity, agreed that Wendy had to do 
whatever it took to get back to normal. His anger at her had softened. It was clear 
that if Wendy could overcome her problems, eventually she would be able to 
repair the relationship with her parents and move back in with them.

Without telling Amy, Wendy's next step was to visit Robert at his office. She 
asked him to draft a power of attorney that would allow Amy to completely take 
over her affairs until May. Wendy told Robert the same version of her situation 
that she told her father; she was about to enroll in an intense in-patient counseling 
program that would last the entire spring semester. That left Robert perplexed, 
since he had heard of all kinds of programs, but never one like what Wendy was 
describing. He did not press her for details.

Wendy concentrated even more on her classes. Burnside told her that she had to 
get A's. She already was doing well, but the thought of Burnside's leather switch 
made her push herself even harder.

Wendy talked to her department chairman to see what classes she could take 
through correspondence. She entered the chairman's office with a copy of her 
book and her explanation about the in-patient counseling program. There were 
four courses that she could take as correspondence classes. Wendy made 
arrangements with one of her professors for two independent studies. That gave 
her six classes. She figured six classes would be plenty, given all her other 
upcoming responsibilities.

----------

The biggest immediate change in Wendy's life was her relationship with Amy. 
Wendy suddenly was desperate to spend time with Amy and have fun with her as 
much as possible before December 26. During November and December Wendy 
invited Amy to several movies and a concert. Their daily meetings for coffee, 
suspended since late March, resumed again. Wendy shocked Amy by asking her 
the details of her life with Paul and her studies. She was curious as to what 
Suzanne was doing with her pictures. Wendy had taken no interest in Amy's life 
since Spring Break, and this was a nice change. Wendy was eager to share meals 
with Amy and help her in the apartment. Amy was elated at having her friend 
back to normal.

In spite of Wendy's return to "normal" in Amy's eyes, she realized that something 
strange was happening, or about to happen, to her friend. As finals approached, 
Amy asked Wendy what was going on. Wendy, with only a touch of 
apprehension, explained her upcoming arrangement with Burnside.

"That's why I'm so anxious to spend as much time as I can with you. I'm afraid I 
won't see much of you or anyone in the Spring."

Amy was surprised, but she did not object to her friend's plans. Amy had 
undergone enough painful experiences of her own to be able to comprehend 
Wendy’s thoughts more than she realized. Amy could understand what Wendy 
hoped to accomplish by submitting to Burnside. Wendy's internment in the 
professor’s house would be a death, of sorts. She would be re-born coming out of 
Burnside's house in May. Wendy did not know how she would turn out, but she 
knew that she would be different than she was now.

Amy realized that two years ago she had gone through a similar experience. She 
suffered tremendously during the final weeks of her trip with Courtney. Amy's 
high school life, and everything she had been up to that time, died in that alley 
with Courtney. Amy saw the strapping she received from Robert as her painful re-
birth into the world, and the beginning of who she was now. Wendy would have a 
similar experience with Burnside.

Amy and Wendy became much closer during the final two weeks before 
Christmas. They opened their souls up to each other. Amy finally was able to talk 
completely freely about Courtney and what she felt about her death. Wendy 
opened up about her own experiences in high school. They talked about their 
parents and their childhoods, their friends, and life in general.

Amy thought with regret about Wendy's lovely body being covered with welts. 
But she also trusted that Burnside would be careful and not go too far.

Amy thought about Suzanne. She knew that the photographer would be horrified 
upon learning about Wendy's plans.

----------

Amy decided to talk to her professor about Wendy, right after the last of the finals 
had been graded and turned back to the students. With finals over, Burnside 
seemed more relaxed and talkative. They discussed the tests and how to improve 
them, the plans for the spring semester, and Burnside's thoughts on recent 
economic developments in the US. Finally Amy asked about her friend.

"Amy, I don't care to talk about Wendy. What she tells you is her business. But I 
cannot add anything. She will spend time with me, she will face her problems, 
and she will move on with her life. That's as much as I can say."

"But will I see her?"

"I don't know. You might. It depends on how she does. You'll at least see her at 
the Mardi Gras party, but I know that's not what you're talking about. I'll let you 
see her if I feel it will help her."

Amy sat silently for a few moments, then spoke again.

"Dr. Burnside, you will at least let her work on her art? You'll give her time for 
that?"

"Of course I will. She's good. I like her drawings, but I'm sure that doesn't surprise 
you. Do me a favor. Pick up whatever art supplies you think she'll need over the 
next semester and give them to me before Christmas. I'll have them in her room 
waiting for her when she comes over."

----------

Wendy spent Christmas with Amy. Robert had invited both of them to spend 
Christmas with himself and Suzanne, but Amy turned him down, explaining that 
she needed to spend time alone with Wendy prior to her treatment. Robert was 
even more perplexed about the whole affair. He explained his doubts to Suzanne. 
The photographer simply responded that whatever was going on, Amy knew 
about it and had not objected.

The morning after Christmas Amy and Wendy got into Suzanne's minivan. 
Wendy wore a sweatsuit and had in her hand the only item Burnside allowed her, 
her cell phone with its re-charger. Wendy would not be allowed to talk to anyone, 
but she would have the phone in her room in the same way a person might use a 
safeword during S&M play. Wendy's correspondence books already were at the 
professor’s house. Amy had taken them over a couple of days before with 
Wendy's art supplies.

Wendy was scared, but at the same time resigned and relieved. Her six weeks of 
nervous waiting were about to come to an end. She was more determined than 
ever to go through with this.

Amy drove up into Burnside's driveway. She squeezed Wendy's hand, and with 
that she got out. Amy watched as her friend rang the doorbell. The door opened 
almost immediately. Wendy slipped through the door and vanished as the door 
went shut.

Amy pulled out of the driveway. For the first time in almost two years she felt 
terribly alone. Not lonely, but alone. She wondered what was happening to her 
friend on the other side of that door.

----------

Amy returned to the apartment after dropping off Wendy at Burnside's house. She 
still felt adrift after having left her to a semester of harsh servitude. For the last 
month she had truly enjoyed having her friend back to normal, and now she was 
gone again.

Amy faced the prospect of spending a couple of days by herself. Paul was in 
Pennsylvania with his family and would not be back until December 30. Of 
course Amy could go over to Robert's place, but as soon as she did there was the 
problem of explaining where Wendy was and what had happened to her. Amy felt 
that she needed to talk to Suzanne and Robert separately about what Wendy was 
facing and why she felt it was necessary to submit to Burnside. Amy felt that 
Robert would understand more than Suzanne, considering what he had endured 
with his wife Tricia. Amy remembered Robert's comment about Tricia that day, 
now almost two years ago, that she first asked about Robert's strap and later had it 
used on her own bottom. "Tricia was a lot like you. She had a wild side that if let 
out of control, would wreck her life."

Amy's memories went back to that moment in Robert's car, and to her feelings of 
guilt, anxiety, desire, curiosity, and sexual arousal. She remembered Robert's 
cruelty and kindness to her that night, and the days following when she re-entered 
the world changed. It was not the punishment that changed her. The change in 
Amy's life began months before when she watched Courtney slowly kill herself. 
The change intensified when Courtney died and Robert picked Amy up from the 
police station. The change in Amy's soul continued when she enrolled in classes 
and began modeling for Suzanne. The shock of the strapping did not change Amy, 
but it symbolized her painful re-entry into the world. It was only afterwards that 
Amy was able to forgive herself for her actions in high school and the disaster 
with Courtney.

Amy's thoughts went back to the first Halloween party at Burnside's house, now 
over a year ago, and the term paper that followed. That term paper finalized 
Amy's change from who she had been in high school to who she was now. Amy 
realized that she owed Burnside a huge debt for giving her a sense of direction in 
her studies. It was because of that party that she had met Wendy in the first place 
and made the discovery about her own grandfather.

Ruth Burnside was by no means a lovable person, but she had pardoned Amy 
twice for offenses that should have ended her career under the university rules. 
Amy realized that Burnside, in her unique way, actually was very forgiving of 
people's mistakes. She forgave on her own terms, which were not very pleasant 
ones. However, she always was willing to give a person a second chance, or in 
Amy's case, two second chances. She realized, at that moment, that she cared 
deeply for Burnside, in spite of the professor's unpleasant personality and 
harshness.

Amy did not know how Suzanne would react to Wendy's servitude, other than she 
would be very upset. It was quite possible that her roommate would storm over to 
Burnside's house and demand that Wendy come out. Amy wanted to avoid that if 
at all possible, because she was convinced that Wendy was doing the right thing. 
Wendy needed the same sense of direction that Amy now enjoyed. Most 
importantly, she needed to forgive herself for her trips to Atlantic City and her 
attempt to pawn her family's pendent. If Wendy were anything like Amy, the only 
way she could forgive herself would be to endure a harsh experience first.

Amy knew that the idea of seeking out suffering made no sense to Suzanne. 
Amy's roommate had no need for enduring a harsh experience, because she had 
endured seven years of physical and emotional abuse from her father. Amy 
realized that Suzanne was a survivor. She still was amazed that Suzanne had 
endured so much suffering and had not turned to drugs, or alcohol, or religion, or 
some other escape while in high school. There was no self-destructive flaw in her 
personality as there was in the personalities of Amy, Wendy, Courtney, and 
Robert's dead wife Tricia. Instead Suzanne had pushed ahead in her life and had 
become a rock in the lives of Robert and her models. How could Amy explain 
Wendy's needs to Suzanne in a way that made sense to her?

It was bitterly cold outside and Amy had no desire to go back out. She spent a 
long time just looking out the window at the bleak cold weather. Finally she went 
into Suzanne's studio to deflate the air mattress Wendy had been sleeping on. She 
rolled it up and took it back to her room. She returned to Suzanne's studio room 
and sadly looked through the volumes of pictures of Wendy and of the two of 
them together. Amy wondered if she ever would model with her friend again.