The Outsider
Copyright 2009 by EC
EC's Erotic Art & Fiction - http://www.ecgraphicarts.com/
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(warnings: language, adult themes, public nudity, sex between adults)

Chapter 18 – A trip to Nebraska

Mike had expected to pursue “pay-dirt”, as he always put it, by ticketing students 
who felt that finals week provided a justification to violate parking regulations 
around campus.  However, he had forgotten that his boss wanted to assign him as 
an alternate for maintaining and collecting money from parking meters, which 
was a promotion from being a student ticket officer.  During the final week of the 
semester, Mike’s intended victims got a break and his ticketing machine sat 
unused in the dispatcher’s office while he went out with the department’s oldest 
employee, Sam Rayburn.  Mike knew enough of US history to know there was a 
famous Speaker of the House of Representatives with that name during World 
War II and the 1950’s.  His co-worker admitted that yes…he was named after 
“that” Sam Rayburn.  He congratulated Mike on his knowledge, telling him that 
he was only the second student he had ever met who knew about House Speaker 
Sam Rayburn.

Sam had the outward appearance of a southern redneck, but his personality was 
totally the opposite.  He was a hippie at heart, who lived in a small house up in the 
mountains that overlooked Davenport.  He had a degree in philosophy, wrote 
poetry, and had lived with the same woman for 35 years without ever getting 
married.  He was a strange guy with a dreamy personality and one of the few 
people Mike ever met who was totally satisfied with his place in life.  He had no 
desire to move on: he was content to spend his existence fiddling with parking 
meters.  A few weeks later Mike would figure out why Sam had no intention of 
ever giving up his meter job, and why he had refused several offers of promotion.

Sam and Mike went out in Sam’s pickup truck.  There was a large steel box 
mounted on the back.  The box had a lock and a circular opening in the top that 
was about the width of a liter soda bottle.  Sam handed Mike a key and told him 
to open up the back of a meter.  Sam extracted a metal cylinder the size of a soda 
can and handed it to Mike, and instructed him to put it into the opening of the box 
and turn it.  As soon as Mike twisted the can, he heard the coins clattering into the 
bottom of the steel box.  Sam told him that typically a canister held around $ 50 
worth of coins.  That surprised Mike, because he had not realized how much 
money each meter was making for the university.  When he returned the cylinder 
to its place in the meter casing, Sam commented:

“We get to do the same thing 492 times today, and 483 times tomorrow.  That’s 
how many meters we have on campus.”

Sam taught Mike a few tricks about twisting canisters and meter keys to avoid 
repetitive motion injury, such as switching hands after servicing 25 meters.  Every 
so often the two parking officers came across a meter that was jammed, where the 
coins had not fallen into the canister but instead were piled on top.  Sam dumped 
the loose coins into a separate box that was stored in the truck’s tool-box.

Sam spent the next several days showing the student other responsibilities of the 
job, such as checking for low batteries and examining and replacing defective 
meters.  Mike learned that the meter device could easily be taken out of the casing 
and the working part actually was very small.  The devices had warning signals to 
let the parking officer know if the battery was low and on a typical day about 20 
batteries had to be replaced.  If a meter was not working for any reason other than 
an expired battery, Sam took out the device and replaced it.  He explained that 
upon getting back to the parking office they would ship the defective meters to a 
contractor that would repair them.  

Once the day’s round of collecting coins and servicing meters was finished, Sam 
and Mike unloaded the heavy change box from the pickup and rolled it into the 
main office.  They unlocked the top and poured the contents into a change 
counting machine.  The take for Mike’s first day was over $ 6,500.  Mike was 
surprised at the amount.  $ 6,500 in just one day?

“It’s more during the semester.  Of course, when you started ticketing Econ-A it 
became a lot more…400 meters-worth more.”

“So what are they doing with all the money?”

“Ain’t giving it to us, that’s for sure.  I ‘spose maybe some of it’s going to buy 
new office equipment…paint for the parking garage…shit like that.  The rest…?”  
Sam shrugged he shoulders: “…your guess is as good as mine.”

As Mike’s training period continued, he got to know Sam and his many quirks a 
lot better.  One thing Sam always did was collect soda cans.  If he saw a discarded 
soda can from across a parking lot, he’d drive over to pick it up.  A quick stomp 
of his boot flattened the can and then he’d toss it into a huge smelly trash bag 
filled with other cans.  If Sam thought Mike wasn’t looking, he’d even go through 
trash containers looking for soda cans.  On days after football games Sam spent as 
much time cruising the stadium area in search of cans as he did attending to 
meters.

Another thing Mike noticed was that Sam was very generous with small things.  
Every time they stopped for a break Sam bought him something to drink: coffee 
or Coke, or whatever else his trainee wanted.  It wasn’t just with Mike that Sam 
was so generous.  During football games he always passed out Coke and donuts to 
anyone working a shift under him.  Whenever he trained a new student ticketing 
officer he always offered free drinks, which was one reason he was popular within 
the department. 

In spite of their difference of ages and Sam’s strange character, he and Mike 
quickly established rapport with each other.  Sam talked a lot about his days as a 
hippie, enough to make Mike somewhat envious that he was not a college student 
in 1968.  Sam’s stories made Mike more sympathetic to the hippie movement, but 
at the same time Mike could see how many of the factors that led to the current 
decline of the US, such as drug use and instant gratification, got started during the 
1960’s.  Mike pointed that out to Sam, who shrugged his shoulders and 
responded:  “Yeah, I can see that.”

Through Sam, Mike learned a lot about Davenport State University in general and 
the history of the Parking Department in particular.  He talked about different 
directors, how much money the department took in, and how parking had become 
more restricted for students over the years.  He talked about regional conventions 
held for parking lot owners and how lucrative parking and its byproduct, towing, 
were for those who owned or managed lots.

“It’s ‘money for nothin’ and your chicks for free.’  You don’t have to build 
anything, make anything, feed anyone, do nothing useful…just pave over some 
Mother Nature and start taking money.”

Money for nothing…a good way to describe owning a parking lot.  As though it 
was responding to Mike’s thought and Sam’s comment, the campus radio station 
played the old Dire Straits hit.  The two employees started singing along:

Now look at them yo-yo's, that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the M.T.V.
That ain't working, that's the way you do it
Money for nothing and your chicks for free…

Now that ain't working, that's the way you do it
Let me tell you them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Baby get a blister on your thumb…

We got to install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color T.V.'s…

In spite of the fun banter, Sam’s conversations planted a seed of doubt in Mike’s 
thoughts.  Up until his promotion, he had been content with his job.  However, 
now that he knew how much money the administrators of the Parking Department 
were making and how little of that money the employees were receiving, 
resentment started building up in his mind.  Sam sensed his changing view of 
their employer, shrugged his shoulders, and pointed out:

“This job’s what you make out of it.  Just like any other job.  It’s what you make 
out of it.”

Mike wondered if his co-worker was hinting at anything with that comment. 

----------

Finals came and went uneventfully.  Mike and Ruthie both got straight “A’s” for 
the semester and in doing so made the Dean’s list.  In that past that would have 
helped their financial situation, but during these indifferent times of globalization, 
good grades no longer mattered.  Still, it was a point of personal pride to have 
good grades because Mike and Ruthie had high academic expectations of each 
other.

During the days leading up to Christmas, Mike dedicated as much time as he 
could to his relationship with Ruthie.  He took her hiking and for drives towards 
Big Sur.  They stopped to look at cliffs and beaches, and also to look for fossils in 
areas where Ruthie knew there were deposits.  One day they had a real treat: they 
noticed that a group of elephant seals had lumbered onto a small beach near the 
coastal road.  Ruthie was absorbed looking at and photographing the animals, 
because she had never seen them in real life before.

Ruthie’s desire to ride around nude intensified during the December outings, now 
that she knew Mike approved of that part of her personality.  She loved to sit 
naked in the passenger seat and challenge herself to see how long she could go 
without putting on her dress.  Sometimes she liked to make him nervous by taking 
risks, such as jumping out of the car near a park or street corner, even if there 
were other people around, wearing nothing but her shoes.  Very early on the 
Sunday morning before Christmas, she actually walked a block in the nude 
through the deserted downtown in one of the small towns they were passing 
through.

He learned to have spare batteries ready for his camera, because his girlfriend 
continuously jumped out of the car and wanted to have her picture taken in every 
imaginable setting possible.  Ruthie wanted to collect pictures of herself standing 
naked along the entire coastline of California.  Every time the couple came across 
a lookout where no one else was parked, she asked Mike to stop.  If she already 
was naked, she’d run out to where she wanted to pose, strike her pose, and waited 
for Mike to get the picture.  Mike learned to be quick, but also to be careful to get 
a good image because Ruthie was very picky about the quality of her pictures.  
After he took the shot she always checked it, and if a picture did not meet her 
satisfaction, she insisted it be re-taken.

If she was wearing a dress, Mike usually took two pictures; one with her dress on, 
and one without.  After the first photo, she looked both ways and if there were not 
cops in sight and no one nearby, pulled the dress over her head, handed it to Mike, 
and resumed her posing position.  She wanted to make sure her clothes were 
completely out of the picture.  If an article of dropped or bunched up clothing 
appeared in a photo, the image was not acceptable.

On any day they were going to be in an area they thought would be tolerant of a 
person in daring clothing, Ruthie wore her infamous dress.  They visited several 
beach communities where her dress was allowed and she was able to enjoy the 
feeling of the cool air on her exposed back and hips.  An obvious place for her to 
wear the dress would be San Francisco, but a trip there promised to be more 
complicated due to the drive and parking.  That would have to wait until the 
spring semester.  Also, San Francisco had become too cold to run around in 
skimpy clothing, too cold even for Ruthie.

----------

Ruthie and Mike spent Christmas apart.  The holiday meant more to their 
respective families than it did to the couple, so for both students the vacation was 
nothing more than “putting in time” with their relatives.  On the day before 
Christmas Eve they ate a last lunch together and gave each other simple gifts.  
Mike gave Ruthie a dress that was just like the red one he bought for her in 
October, except that the new one was green.  Ruthie spent the tiny amount of 
money remaining from her salary to print several large pictures from the 
collection of figure studies Mike had taken of her and have them framed.  They 
laughed about how fortunate it was that they had the foresight to open their gifts 
ahead of time and not put them under their families’ trees, because neither wanted 
to imagine the reaction of their relatives had they seen what Mike and Ruthie gave 
each other.

Christmas was a day of apprehension for Ruthie, because the two events that she 
was dreading would happen the following day.  On the 26th Rosa would travel to 
San Jose and from there leave for Boot Camp.  She would be gone from Ruthie’s 
life, the one member of her family Ruthie could talk to and who seemed to her at 
least somewhat sane.  Ruthie knew that she would miss Rosa tremendously and 
badly wanted to hug her.  That was not to be, however, because Rosa was keeping 
her impending military service a secret.  Essentially, by joining the Army she was 
running away from home.  She would leave, and she would not be coming back.  
The last time Ruthie saw Rosa was in the evening after Christmas dinner.  Rosa 
was drinking tequila, trying to build up the nerve to tell her parents what she was 
planning to do the next morning.  When she left with her mother, she cast one last 
look at her cousin, convinced they would never see each other again.

Rosa would have been reason enough for Ruthie to be distressed over Christmas, 
but the much bigger worry of having to travel to Nebraska to meet her father 
loomed over her.  She desperately hoped that a snow-storm would delay or cancel 
flights, or that some other problem would arise that would prevent her from 
traveling.  Had she still been religious she would have prayed to Jesus to mess up 
the weather, but she knew from experience God had given Ruthie Burns a rock-
solid guarantee that any prayers from her would go unanswered.  

She also knew that her mother would be totally stressed about her and would be 
praying non-stop.  There would be justification for concern, given how badly Jake 
had treated Lisette 15 years before, and how badly he had treated Ruthie nine 
years later.  However, in Ruthie’s situation money spoke louder than anything 
else.  Jake knew that.  Regardless how his daughter felt about him or what he had 
done to her, he could purchase some of her time by paying her tuition.

Mike took Ruthie to the airport and went with her as far as the security 
checkpoint.  From there she was on her own.  She was totally stressed.  Not only 
was she worried about what awaited her at the end of her journey, but also she 
was nervous about flying.   The last time she had been in an airplane was six years 
ago, when that Meg-Air jet took her away from Nebraska and from everything 
that she had ever known.  Now she would be making the same trip in reverse.

Several hours later Ruthie looked over the snowy drylands of her former home 
state as her plane began its descent.  She marveled at how flat that land was; how 
from the air it looked like a vast brown and white ocean.  She knew from her 
geology major that’s exactly what Nebraska was; part of a dried up inlet of the 
Gulf of Mexico.  She thought about all of the strange creatures that had once lived 
there: toothed birds and giant sea-lizards, pterodactyls and sea turtles far bigger 
than anything on the planet today.  Her imagination wandered through the fossil 
record and her mind filled with regret that all those fascinating creatures had long 
since vanished, replaced by boring things such as prairie dogs and coyotes.  As 
her mind filled with visions of huge pterosaurs gracefully circling over the calm 
Cretaceous waters, she thought about the futility of life on the planet.  All the 
effort those animals went though to pick up fish for their young…but in the end 
they shouldn’t have bothered.  They went extinct anyway.  Ruthie’s mind drifted 
to the present and to the near future, when humans would join pterosaurs in the 
realm of oblivion.  She vaguely wondered if she would live to see the end.

The plane shook as it was buffeted by cross-winds.  She panicked and grabbed the 
handles of her seat as the aircraft shook from turbulence.  A few minutes later the 
shaking stopped, giving her a chance to calm down.  As the plane got closer to the 
ground she noticed dust rising from the fields below, swirls of old sediments laid 
down during a bygone era.  All those fantastic creatures…now just a bunch of 
farmers’ dust.  

That’ll be us in a few years.  Dust in the wind…thought Ruthie…all we are is dust 
in the wind…

----------

Jake had previously instructed Ruthie to call him upon getting off the plane so he 
could be watching for her when she left the secure area of the terminal.  That 
phone call was the first time she heard her father’s voice in six years.  The call 
was to-the-point, just an exchange of information of what each was wearing.  

It turned out to be fortunate that Jake had made that suggestion, because otherwise 
she would not have recognized him.  The first detail about her father’s appearance 
that she had not expected was how much smaller he was than she remembered 
him.  She thought he had shrunk, but in reality what had changed was Ruthie’s 
perspective: instead of seeing him from the perspective of a young adolescent she 
was seeing him as an adult. Instead of a hulking figure, in front of her was a man 
who was not much taller than she was.  Apart from his size was his over-all 
appearance.  He had put on weight, grown a beard, and was starting to go bald.  
Not much was left of the handsome blond sailor that had captivated Lisette 
nineteen years before.  Not that the years had been any kinder to Lisette than they 
had been to Jake: both of Ruthie’s parents had aged badly.

Ruthie was fidgeting and looking down when her father hugged her.  She found it 
very difficult to look him in the eye.  She was extremely uncomfortable; it was 
only through exerting all of her self-control that she forced herself not to run 
away.  She did not have a clue what she should say or how she react to what was 
going on.  Jake asked her a bunch of questions about her life in college, to which 
she responded with nods and one-syllable answers.  

Jake was irritated by his daughter’s uncommunicative behavior, but he did not say 
anything that would spoil what he was trying to do: make up with her.  
Unfortunately that part of her personality: her sideways glances, fidgeting, and 
short answers grated on his patience every bit as much as they had six years 
before.  Neither Jake nor Ruthie realized it at the time, but her difficulty 
communicating with people not familiar to her was the main reason Debra 
disliked her so much.  Jake’s fiancée had interpreted her behavior as rudeness.  
She was rude back, which made Ruthie even less willing to talk to her.  The 
situation quickly deteriorated into mutual hatred.

When the left the terminal building to find Jake’s pickup truck, Ruthie was 
shocked by the vicious cold in the parking garage.  She was wearing the warmest 
clothing she had, but during her six years in California she had not once been in a 
place where the temperature was below freezing.  She was tremendously relieved 
to get out of the cold and into her father’s pickup truck.  The cold gave her and 
her father a chance to talk about something neutral, the Nebraska weather, the 
climate in California, and how Ruthie had forgotten all about the winters in 
Lincoln.  Jake commented:

“We need to get you a coat.  What you have on ain’t gonna cut it around here.”

So, the very first thing they did was go to a mall so Ruthie could get a coat.  After 
the mall they stopped at a kindergarten.  There was a tremendous surprise waiting 
there: it turned out Ruthie had a half-brother called Jake Junior.  Jake explained 
that the boy was from his relationship with Debra.  When they split up they got 
joint custody of him, but now that Debra was going out with another guy, Jake 
Junior was spending most of his time living with his father.  Ruthie had no idea 
what to say.  More than anything else she was stressed that Debra was not 
completely out of her father’s life after-all, although it was nice to know she was 
with another guy.  The shock of having a half-brother registered slowly: a relative 
that she hadn’t known about at all.

However, like the weather, Jake Junior offered a welcome distraction from the 
tense silence between Jake and Ruthie.  Jake Sr., happy that his two kids were 
together for the first time, took them out for pizza.  From the pizza place they 
went to home.  It was dark, but Ruthie could see that on the outside the house had 
not changed, that detail for detail it was as she remembered it.  Her old room was 
still there as well, although over the years the furniture had been moved around 
and the nightstand had been replaced.  Jake mentioned that he had kept most of 
Ruthie’s stuff from when she was a kid, but it was boxed up in the attic and that if 
she wanted to go through any of the boxes, she’d have to wait until it was light 
outside.

Jake asked Ruthie to help put her brother to bed.  She still could not believe that 
the kid in front of her was her relative.  Subconsciously she had expected that 
nothing in Nebraska had changed apart from everyone getting a bit older.  She 
also felt some unexpected sympathy for Jake Jr., thinking how much it would 
suck to be Debra’s kid.  The very fact that she was putting the boy to bed instead 
of Debra said a lot about Debra as a person.

----------


Jake had to go to work most of the days Ruthie was staying at his house, which 
left her alone with her thoughts during the days.  She spent the next week 
wandering about Lincoln and walking around her old neighborhood in the bitter 
cold.  She wanted to see all of the places familiar to her six years before and try to 
come to terms with her memories.  She visited her grade school and her middle 
school; both of which had let out for Christmas.  She wandered the empty 
hallways and went into the classrooms where she had been assigned.  She knew 
that some of her old teachers were still working at the schools she had attended, 
but she had no desire whatsoever to run into them or let any of them know what 
had become of her.  She had returned to the school to renew her own memories, 
not to share herself with anyone else.  Nor was she interested in tracking down 
any of her friends from middle school, because she felt they had betrayed her by 
not writing.

She realized that the passing of time gave her anonymity.  It was probable that 
people she had known years before passed her in their cars or even on the 
sidewalk, but no one ever recognized her. On the final day of the year, she walked 
right by a middle-aged couple that she recognized as the parents of one of her 
friends.  They did not know who she was and she did not try to draw their 
attention, so one chance for renewing contact with her former life came and went.

She visited her grandmother’s grave twice during her trip.  For a long time she 
stared at the tombstone and momentarily regretted being an atheist.  She wished 
that she could imagine feeling her grandmother’s presence; that she could talk to 
the tombstone with the conviction that her grandmother was listening to her from 
“the other side”.  It would have been comforting to think that she could have told 
her grandmother that she was doing OK and that she still remembered her and 
loved her.  However, such comfort was a luxury that Ruthie would never have.  
She did not believe in Life after Death.  Her grandmother was gone and nothing 
remained of her except some decaying bones under a carved piece of granite and 
the details of the conversations stored in Ruthie’s memories.  Ruthie had no 
means of communicating with her, because, like the pterosaurs, her grandmother 
had vanished into oblivion and no longer existed.  It would have been nice to 
believe otherwise.  

Ruthie went to her father’s attic and rummaged through the boxes, looking at her 
old toys and books as part of her effort to reconnect with her past.  There were a 
lot of things in the attic she wished she could have taken with her when her father 
kicked her out, that she deeply regretted not having when she moved to 
California.  And yet, perhaps it was better that she did not take what was precious 
to her in Nebraska, because those things would have tied her even more to her 
past and make the transition to her new life in Salinas even more difficult.  Her 
things sat in the attic for six years, ignored and undisturbed, but also momentarily 
protected from the ravages of time.  She thought about taking some of her old 
items with her, but figured that no, if her father was willing to keep them it would 
be better to leave them where they would be safe instead of bringing them into her 
uncertain life in California.  There was no guarantee that she would not end up 
committing suicide after-all and she did not want to think that as a result her stuff 
would end up in a dumpster somewhere in Santa Cruz.  Ruthie closed the boxes 
and left the attic. 
----------

It was fortunate that Jake Burns was not the type of person who felt that every 
problem and personal conflict had to be straightened out immediately.  His 
daughter spent her entire time in Nebraska dreading being forced into a serious 
conversation about her relationship with her father, but that never came.  Instead, 
Jake was content to let things happen naturally.  If Ruthie wanted to talk, that was 
fine; if not, then that was fine too.  Ruthie’s father figured that if she had a 
reasonably good time in his house and there were no unpleasant incidents; she’d 
be willing to come back in the future and over time he could fix his relationship 
with her.

Little by little Ruthie felt more at ease when around her father.  She knew that he 
was neither intellectual nor introspective, so there were a lot of conversations she 
never could have with him.  Nor was Jake Burns the type of person who easily 
showed emotion or affection.  That detail was fortunate for the relationship with 
his daughter because she was not in the mood to deal with or respond to affection 
and love from her estranged relative.  The best Jake could hope for would be to 
re-establish contact with his daughter and get her to be willing to come back 
periodically.  He knew that.  Anyhow, Ruthie was only a small part of Jake’s life.  
He had his son to worry about, along his newest girlfriend, his job, and his group 
of friends.  

He wasn’t sure what to do about her tuition for the following year.  He had been 
taken aback when he found out how much Ruthie had to pay each semester.  
Although he did not have any debts, he certainly did not have enough money to 
keep up those tuition payments.  He figured that California was just too 
expensive: at some point he would have to “have a talk” with his daughter and 
convince her that the only logical option would be for her to study in Nebraska.  
The best time for “the talk” would be sometime over the summer.

----------

Besides worrying about avoiding a serious conversation about their relationship, 
there were various other topics Ruthie avoided during her week in Nebraska.  A 
major item she needed to stay away from was politics.  Her father was a militant 
Republican, the sort that voted on “God, Guns, and Gays” issues.  He was into 
conspiracy theories, sympathetic to property rights and militia movements, and 
supported abolishing most of the Federal Government.  

There were plenty of contradictions in his political positions.  One of the biggest 
was his stand on religion.  He fully supported the Republican vision of mixing 
religion and politics, of having mega-churches and Christian front organizations 
set social policy for the country.  And yet, Jake very rarely went to church, had 
gone out with various women with no intention whatsoever of getting married, 
and spent his life going to strip bars and drinking with his friends.  Most definitely 
he did not lead a “Godly life”.  It was ironic that a lot of what he enjoyed doing 
would be prohibited by the very people he was supporting with his bumper 
stickers and at the voting booth.

Ruthie realized that her father was not exactly a hypocrite.  He simply could not 
make the connection between his own behavior and the politicians he was 
supporting.  He did not have the education to reflect, nor did he try to really 
comprehend what was going on around him.  He was content to have his politics 
dictated to him by talk radio, just as Ruthie’s mother was content to have her 
perspective on life dictated to her by a preacher.  Jake was totally the opposite of 
Mike, who analyzed everything in detail in his effort to understand what had 
happened to his father’s business, and expand that understanding to figuring out 
why the United States was in the condition it was in.

----------

When Ruthie was not wandering her neighborhood or looking at the contents of 
the boxes stored in her father’s attic, she rode around Lincoln with Jake and Jake 
Jr.  She listened to her father’s talk-radio programs babbling about “traditional 
American values” and the marvels of selfish individualism and unrestricted 
capitalism.  She looked around at all the SUV’s and oversized pick-up trucks, and 
at the multitude of evangelical churches that surrounded her.  Physically she was 
miserable because the bitter cold tore into her whenever she went outside.  

Ruthie spent New Year’s Eve alone in the house, taking care of Jake Jr.  Her 
father and his girlfriend celebrated with some friends at a bar, taking advantage of 
having Ruthie in the house to baby-sit.  She put her half-brother to bed at 9:00.  
Once the boy was asleep she relieved her tension by masturbating.  She was in 
bed by 10:30, not bothering to stay up until midnight.

The day after New Year’s Ruthie’s father took her to the airport.  Jake was in an 
upbeat mood, thinking that he had repaired the relationship with his daughter.  He 
still did not realize how traumatized she was from what he had done to her six 
years before.  The trip to the airport was the hardest part of the entire week for 
Ruthie, because she started having flashbacks of the previous time she had made 
the journey, six years before.  Jake, blinded by love for a woman, had taken his 
daughter to the airport and tossed her into the void, not really caring what 
happened to her upon her arrival in California.  Had he known about the difficult 
transition that awaited her in Salinas, he would have been glad, figuring it would 
be good punishment for “giving him shit”. 

After forcing herself to hug her father goodbye, Ruthie found the flight that would 
take her to California.  The flashbacks intensified once she took her seat.  She 
imagined that she could see herself as a terrified 12-year-old, hugging her 
backpack as the plane carried her away from her former life and trying to 
comprehend what her father had just done to her.  

She had hugged her father goodbye.  She would hug Mike in San Jose when he 
picked her up.  She would hug her mother upon returning to Salinas.  She wished 
she didn’t have to touch any of them.  The person she wanted to hug was not her 
boyfriend or any of her relatives, but herself.  She imagined sitting next to herself 
six years ago…and trying to…to do what?  Tell her 12-year-old self that 
everything was going to be OK?  Well, that would have been a lie.  When she got 
to Salinas nothing was OK.  Her life sucked…but then it would have sucked had 
she stayed behind in Nebraska, dealing with Debra and her kid.

No matter where I would’ve gone, my life would’ve sucked.

Home…she had always thought of Jake’s house as home…just as she had always 
said that Nebraska was home to her.  “I’m not from Salinas…I just live there right 
now.  Actually I’m from Nebraska.”  Much of Lincoln was as she remembered it 
in its physical detail, but she knew that didn’t matter.  The Lincoln of her 
memories, the place that she had idealized, had been nothing more than an 
illusion.  The house and the neighborhood were still there, right in front of her, 
and detail for detail the way she remembered.  But now, after finally returning, 
the place of her childhood had a hostile and alien feel for her.  It turned out Ruthie 
Burns wasn’t from Nebraska at all.  She no more belonged in Lincoln than she 
belonged in Salinas, or Davenport, or Culiacan.  

So, she truly was an outsider, a homeless soul destined to spend her existence 
looking through the windows of life into places she could never settle.

----------

Mike picked up his girlfriend in San Jose, just as he promised.  The trip to Salinas 
was very difficult, because she was unable to put into words what had happened 
to her in Lincoln.  She was silent and moody.  

Mike became nervous and started up with a lecture about how glad he was that 
the Christmas season was over and that the annual orgy of materialism had finally 
come to an end.  He gloated that national sales figures looked bad, even for Mega-
Mart, but then Ruthie cut him short.

“Mike…I…uh…I’m really not interested in hearing about that right now.”

Mike was deeply hurt and chastened by her rebuke.  She did not seem happy to 
see him.  However, he knew Ruthie well enough to understand she was “in one of 
her moods”.  Hopefully whatever was bothering her had nothing to do with him.

He said nothing more and the couple spent the rest of their trip to Salinas in tense 
silence.