The Freshman
Copyright 2005 by EC

Chapter 19 - Two confessions

Jason was very happy to get back to his dorm room. Before he 
settled down to study, he decided to get cleaned up. He somehow 
felt unclean, contaminated by the extremely unpleasant three days 
he had just endured. The trip had badly unsettled him, because 
for the first time in his life he realized how dysfunctional and 
unpleasant his parents truly were. 

He was absolutely horrified at the grotesque way they had treated 
Cecilia. They certainly didn't care whether or not he was happy 
with her. They had made absolutely no effort whatsoever to be 
courteous to her, having dismissed her outright with hostile 
glances before she even had a chance to speak to them. Both his 
mother and his father, each in their own way, had hoped to 
humiliate her and break up the relationship. What caught them 
off-guard was his girlfriend's strong personality and her 
determination to strike back if she was offended.

The Thanksgiving fiasco was the latest painful encounter he had 
endured at the hands of his parents. There had been plenty of 
others, especially since last December. His father made no effort 
to conceal his total contempt for Jason, and his mother simply 
ignored him. There wasn't much he could do however, because his 
father paid all his bills. He felt trapped by his situation or, 
as Cecilia put it, he constantly had to "put up with his dad's 
shit". 

He wondered if either of his parents really loved him at all, or 
if they were simply going through the motions of parenting. He 
wondered how much they really cared about his life. It didn't 
seem like they cared all that much, given the fact that neither 
of them bothered to maintain any communication with him for the 
first three months he was in college. They just paid his tuition 
and turned him loose to sink or swim. He now wondered if his 
father secretly hoped that he would fail his classes, and thus be 
able to remind him what a miserable, pathetic loser he really 
was. Oh, he heard that plenty at the end of last year, what a 
totally worthless person he had become, with his ecstasy use and 
drag racing and criminal record. Had he failed his college 
classes, he would have returned home to listen to that all over 
again. 

But he didn't fail during the first semester. He was doing much 
better than he possibly could have expected, likely to get a "B" 
in Burnside's class and "A's" in everything else. Who would have 
expected that? The answer was no one, except Cecilia. She was the 
one who knew he could do it. She also was the one who insisted he 
do it, the one who insisted he succeed. She knew how to make him 
successful. She didn't waste any time giving vague encouragement, 
but instead actually made him sit down, do the work, and acquire 
the knowledge he needed to pass his classes. She seemed to know 
his strengths and weaknesses, and was determined to make him use 
his strengths to overcome his weaknesses. She was harsh and 
demanding when she needed to be, and supportive and understanding 
when she needed to be. Most importantly, she loved him enough to 
spend whatever time she needed to make sure he did not fall 
behind.

Whatever I've accomplished this semester, it's because of her, 
thought Jason to himself.

---------- 

That Saturday night, as the snow piled up outside and the empty 
dorm building sat eerily silent, Jason found it very hard to 
concentrate. He contemplated his father's utter contempt for his 
life and his actions, his thoughts wandering back to that 
horrible night when all his weaknesses caught up with him. As 
both his father and his counselor kept reminding him, ultimately 
he had no one to blame but himself for that fiery wreck and the 
deaths of three people. Had he just used some common sense 
instead of chasing after his emotions of the moment, it wouldn't 
have happened. None of it would have happened.

The DA said that he had been duped. The plea bargain let him off 
with absolutely the lightest sentence that was politically 
possible, suspension of driving privileges for three years and 
200 hours cleaning bathrooms at a state hospital. Jason had been 
duped, he had indeed fallen in with the wrong crowd, but really, 
whose fault was that? Yes, he could say that it was peer 
pressure, or even the resentment and hurt over his father's 
dismissal of his achievements on the track field, but ultimately 
it was his own choices that led up to the car crash. It was Jason 
who had decided to change his group of friends, it was Jason who 
decided to turn his back on the girl he had been dating for more 
than a year, and it was Jason who decided to chase after the 
elusive and difficult Heather Jones. Those were his decisions, no 
one else's.

Prior to his interest in Heather, he had been dating Amanda 
Galloway, a fellow long-distance runner from the track team. The 
two seemed perfectly suited for each other, spending much of 
their time exercising and jogging together. Their lives consisted 
of their sport, but for Jason that became a problem. He started 
to get bored being with a girl who only seemed interested in 
running, and began to look for something different. 

That something different turned out to be Heather and the 
school's party crowd. Unlike Amanda, Heather was not an easy girl 
to get along with. The fact she was so hard to impress made her 
all that more attractive to anyone who wanted a challenge. She 
made life a living hell for any guy she happened to be with at 
the moment and ultimately ended up dumping whomever she was 
dating after a few weeks, but that seemed to only increase her 
desirability for many of her classmates. She went through 
numerous popular guys, including several football players and the 
valedictorian from the previous year's graduating class. 

When she showed interest in Jason, he jumped, at the time not 
thinking about the consequences of what he was doing. At the 
beginning of November he dropped Amanda, who was devastated when 
he broke up with her. With that he changed not only his 
girlfriend, but also his circle of other friends. After leaving 
Amanda he felt he really couldn't hang out with the track team 
members anymore. He ended up trying to ingratiate his way into 
Heather's clique and impress them instead. 

What Jason did not realize was that his new girlfriend was 
playing with his emotions. Heather's main goal had been to get 
him away from Amanda. Once she accomplished that, she toyed with 
his feelings and enjoyed watching him desperately try to please 
her. He started using ecstasy and smoking marijuana to be part of 
her crowd. He took her to a couple of raves, even though he had 
no desire to do that at all. At the end of November he tried his 
hand at drag racing for the first time, which was one thing 
Heather seemed to enjoy doing. 

Two weeks after Jason's first attempt to race, he tried it a 
second time, mainly because Heather had made a bet with her 
friend Kate Simpson. She gave him an ecstasy tablet to help him 
overcome his fear and make sure he was more likely to win. She 
took a tablet herself, waited for it to take effect, and pulled a 
flare out of the trunk of Jason's car. She stood up through the 
sunroof, lit the flare and started screaming. Jason and William 
took off. The crash that ended the two girls' lives happened less 
than 30 seconds later.

The two months following the crash were an ongoing hell for 
Jason. The horror of multiple court appearances, the endless 
consultations with his father's attorney, the real fear that he 
might actually be going to jail for several years, the endless 
hours of community service, the constant insulting comments by 
his parents, and the ostracism he faced in school became the new 
realities of his life. 

The party crowd's existence was disrupted in a big way, as police 
and school officials descended on them in a huge ecstasy 
investigation. The county officials needed someone to scapegoat 
for the triple tragedy, but in the end William Davis and his 
brother turned out to be much better targets for blame than 
Jason. Both Jason's counselor and his father's attorney convinced 
him that he owed absolutely no loyalty to his new friends. 
Instead, he needed to save himself by testifying in court against 
William.

He returned to his classes and did well enough during the final 
months to graduate. However, he spent the spring semester 
completely alone since no one in the school wanted to talk to 
him. He had betrayed two sets of friends and made himself a total 
outcast. The hardest part of it all was whenever he bumped into 
Amanda in the hallway. She quietly stared at him with extreme 
hurt and extreme anger, but what could he say to her? What could 
he say to any of his former friends?

----------

The weight of those memories pressed in on Jason. That was his 
dark secret, the thing he had wanted to put into the past 
forever. He thought he had succeeded, but the trip home had 
brought everything back as clearly as if it had happened just the 
day before. No, he would never escape.

A new thought passed through his mind. What if Cecilia found out? 
How on earth would she react? When she was talking alone to his 
father…had he told her anything?

For a very long time Jason sat immobilized in his room, 
completely tormented by the fear Cecilia might find out his 
secret from high school. His inner turmoil became worse as he 
realized that her finding out was not a matter of if, but when. 
She would indeed find out, there was no doubt about it, because 
it was part of her nature to find things out. She always had 
uncovered everything else about him. He drew a very deep breath. 
He…needed to tell her…she was going to find out anyway…better 
that he tell her himself.

He was startled when his phone rang. He picked up, knowing that 
it was Cecilia. Who else could it be?

"Jason, aren't you ready yet? It's 11:00 and I'm waitin' for 
you." 

"I…I didn't study…I don't…I was thinking about some other 
stuff…and I…just forgot."

"What other stuff? I'm warnin' you, don't you be blowin' off your 
studies. You're almost done with the semester. You just got three 
weeks left. Do your finals, then you can think about that other 
stuff…"

"I can't. Tonight I just can't…"

He couldn't say anything else. For a long time he just sat in 
silence. Finally she got impatient.

"Alright. I'm comin' over and I'll take you back to my room. 
Maybe if you can talk about it you'll feel better."

A couple of minutes later she was at his door and escorting him 
to her room. She could tell right away he was very distressed, 
struggling with some internal issue. She suspected, or hoped, 
that she knew what it was. He was close to confessing. All he 
needed was the tiniest bit of encouragement.

"You're still upset about your folks?"

"I…yeah. I'm still kinda embarrassed about it."

"Look. I'm not mad about the trip, Jason. I told you I'm not mad. 
It wasn't your fault. I don't want you worryin' about that. I can 
tell you, if I'd taken you to my place, it would've been just as 
bad for you. My brothers aren't all that nice, especially if 
you're not from the project."

"There's...more to it than what I've told you. A lot more. Dad 
and Mom have their reason to be mad at me. What happened was they 
took it out on you."

"How come they're mad? What'd you do?"

Jason sat down and stared at the floor. He felt sick and his 
hands shook as he tried to figure out how on earth he was going 
to tell her. 

"What'd you do, Jason? Why are you all upset like this?"

Finally he blurted out a confession, speaking so fast that 
Cecilia had a hard time following what he was saying.

"My parents...I mean I...I mean...last year I killed someone...I 
killed my girlfriend...I mean like, uh...not on purpose...but 
I...I like...was on ecstasy and driving fast 'cause we were 
racing and crashed and she fell out and it blew up and she was 
all ripped up on the street I mean like, uh, her and her friend, 
they were all dead and stuff and the other guy was burning up and 
we were just standing there and everyone took off and I was 
stoned and I thought it was a bad trip...and she was just lying 
there all dead and busted up and blood all over the street and 
her jacket all torn open and...I...I didn't wanna tell you 
this...but...I..."

She realized he was having a flashback by the tormented look on 
his face and his incoherent speech. Nevertheless, she was 
enormously relieved. He had done it! He had confessed, and mostly 
on his own.

Cecilia's mind moved to her next two tasks, getting him to calm 
down and getting the complete story out of him. She already knew 
most of the story, but what she did not know was what was on 
Jason's mind as the consequences from the accident ran their 
course through his life. She pretended to be surprised. She took 
his arm.

"Jason...Jason. You gotta calm down! Please…you gotta calm down! 
Now…what are you talkin' about? Who got killed?"

Over the next hour the story came out in pieces, but the details 
matched what was in the newspaper articles now saved on Cecilia's 
hard drive. Because she already knew what had happened, she was 
more interested in knowing what was going on in Jason's mind 
instead of hearing about the crash itself. She became especially 
interested in learning the details of his relationships with 
Amanda and Heather and in finding out why his father would have 
accused him of having no character. She also wanted to know how 
he had changed since the crash. As always, she was interested in 
finding out as much as she could to expand her control over his 
life, but she also wanted to help him get past the incident and 
perhaps finally break free from his guilt.

Jason confessed, convinced that Cecilia would leave him as soon 
as he was finished talking. He was sure that he had disgraced 
himself and that no woman who knew about the accident could ever 
stay with him. Now Cecilia knew, and momentarily she would be 
telling him to get out of her room. Once again, he would be 
alone, ostracized because of his stupidity. Her next words 
surprised him.

"I got a question for you. You're telling me that you're not 
'sposed to drive 'till you're 21, right?"

"No. I'm not supposed to drive."

"Then how come you're drivin' Mike's car? When you take me out, I 
mean?"

"I…kinda wanted things to be, you know, like, normal between us 
when I took you out."

"Well they're not normal, are they? You're not 'sposed to drive, 
and you don't have any right puttin' yourself at risk like that. 
What'd happen if the cops stop you?"

"I'd probably have to go back to court and get re-sentenced, 
'cause it's a violation."

"You'd get re-sentenced 'cause it's a violation. You get re-
sentenced, and what good's that gonna do me? I don't need you 
sittin' in jail, so you're not drivin' any more! Get it? You're 
not drivin' any more! Don't you ever let me catch you drivin' 
again, 'cause if you do, I'll whip your ass so hard you'll be 
bleedin' when I'm done! I mean that, so don't try me!"

For a long time Jason was silent. Ironically, he felt a huge 
burden lift from his soul. He realized, precisely because of the 
threat to punish him, that she had no intention of leaving. She 
now knew, in detail, his darkest secret, and yet she was not 
going to abandon him.

He hugged her hard, as tears ran down his cheeks. Words could not 
have described the relief he felt at that moment. He had 
conquered his biggest fear, actually putting into words what had 
happened on Miller Road. Cecilia now knew about that part of his 
life, and to his surprise, actually accepted it. She loved him 
enough to actually accept something so terrible about him.

----------

Cecilia had her own ghost, one that she had carried with her 
since she was 15. It was because of her own inner torment that it 
was so important to her that Jason confess about his role in the 
death of Heather Jones. Now that Jason had confessed and 
conquered his fears, it was her turn. She separated from him and 
told him to sit down.

She walked to the window and watched the snow continue to pile up 
for a few minutes, while Jason nervously watched her. Without 
looking at him she began speaking.

"You know, that I…I'm not that nice of a person. I'm kinda bossy, 
I gotta be in charge, and when you're with me, I gotta have 
everything done my way. And I got this thing in me…that makes 
me…I guess, kinda get nasty whenever I think someone wants to 
give me shit. Your parents got to see that part of me up close, 
but it's even more true with guys. I can't take shit from a guy. 
That's why I love you, cause you're the first guy I've been with 
who don't give me shit."

She looked back at him. Their eyes met and she continued.

"There's something real important that you gotta know, that I 
gotta tell you. I'm warnin' you now, it's something about me that 
ain't never gonna change. No matter what happens between us, 
you're always gonna have to do what I tell you. It won't ever be 
any different, and if you wanna spend your time with me, you're 
just gonna have to accept it. I'm not tryin' to scare you. I'm 
just tryin' to be honest. I can't do it any other way…in a 
relationship, I mean. I'm gonna have to be in charge, and you're 
gonna have to live with that."

Cecilia's blunt words scared Jason. He didn't know how to 
respond. She continued.

"I'm tellin' you this…'cause I got my reasons…of bein' the way I 
am. It's 'cause of somethin' that happened to me four years ago. 
I haven't talked about it to anyone in four years, but…I'm gonna 
have to tell you, and the only reason I'm tellin' you is so 
you'll understand me. Right now there's only three people who 
know about it, a social worker, a doctor, and a nurse…and well, I 
guess a receptionist too. You're gonna be the only other person 
who'll ever know, 'cause I'm never gonna tell anyone else, and 
you aren't either." 

She struggled to catch her breath and continued: "You aren't the 
only person in this room with blood on your hands, Jason. I got 
blood on my hands, too. That's why I don't have any right to be 
pissed about your car accident. I'm not any better than you."

Cecilia's thoughts moved back in time four years. Four years! She 
couldn't believe it had been four years already. Instead of 
giving Jason the story piecemeal, she decided to start at the 
beginning and narrate through to the end. She told Jason not to 
interrupt her, that if he had any questions to please keep them 
until she was finished. 

She began by recounting a few details of her life during her 
earlier years of high school that she had omitted at the 
Schmidts' dinner table. She had been a good student throughout 
her childhood, but as adolescence loomed, she faced the same 
pressures as other girls her age to find a boyfriend and dedicate 
her time to him. 

There were several guys who attracted her, but at age 14 she 
settled on Vicente Torres, who was a friend of her older brother 
Raul. At the beginning Vicente seemed nice enough, but within a 
year the neighborhood's social pressures were closing in on his 
life. Raul was pressuring Vicente to join his gang. He worked on 
Cecilia as well, placing pressure on his sister to use her 
relationship with Vicente to help him control his friend. Cecilia 
found herself at odds with her brother, because she did not want 
Vicente in Raul's gang. If Vicente joined the gang, then she 
would be pressured to join the girlfriends' gang, which was 
absolutely the last thing she wanted to do. Raul stepped up the 
pressure on Cecilia over the year she was dating Vicente, but she 
held on to her hope that both she and her boyfriend could stay 
out of the gang.

Vicente finally gave into Raul's pressure. He started the 
initiation to join Raul's gang and began selling crack under 
Raul's direction. Cecilia knew that she had lost her fight for 
Vicente's soul when he began getting tattoos that matched the 
ones that Raul had. He was getting marked up, and if she stayed 
with him, she knew it was only a matter of time before she would 
have to start visiting the tattoo parlor herself. 

She interrupted her story to remind Jason about her anger over 
the tattoo incident the month before. "Tattoos bring back a lot 
of bad memories for me, Jason. Now you'll know why I'm never 
gonna let you get a tattoo."

The problem for Cecilia was that she continued to do well in her 
studies and did not want to give up that part of her life. She 
also saw what was happening to some of the other girls her age, 
who already were beginning to fall into abusive relationships and 
quitting school. One by one her old friends were disappearing 
from her classes. Some were already using crack, and some were 
already pregnant, but none of them was leading a life that she 
found appealing. The more the others were leaving school, the 
more determined she was to stay.

During Cecilia's sophomore year, Vicente's character changed 
dramatically. He was becoming much more aggressive and more 
demanding about sex. The sexual part of the relationship, 
something she had enjoyed at the beginning, became more and more 
onerous as Vicente's sexual appetites changed. To her horror he 
began experimenting having sex with mixtures of Viagra, ecstasy, 
and cocaine. When the drugs did not give him the results he 
wanted he blamed her. Several times he slapped her over his 
frustration from his own sexual performance.

By the beginning of the second year of the relationship Vicente 
was regularly using cocaine as well as helping Raul sell it on 
the streets. Cecilia became afraid of his mood swings and the 
constant threat of being punched or slapped. She felt horribly 
trapped. As for the community, the rules were very clear; she did 
not have the right to complain. She was his property, and it was 
her duty to keep him happy. 

Vicente became even more bossy and demanding as the weeks went 
by. Cecilia's life at home was becoming increasingly unpleasant. 
Her only escape was school. She spent more and more time at 
school, hanging out with teachers and studying in the library. To 
her school was the only place that made sense. The world on the 
outside didn't make any sense. 

When Cecilia learned that Vicente had another girlfriend, she 
confronted him about it and ended up with a bloody nose. With 
that she had enough. I'm getting out of this, she thought to 
herself. I've had it with Vicente and Raul. They can take their 
drugs and their gang and all the rest of their shit and stick it 
up their asses. 

Using Vicente's other girlfriend to justify what she was doing, 
she broke up with him. Vicente got violent and smashed several 
things in the Sanchez' apartment, which set off a fight between 
Cecilia's mother, her mother's boyfriend, her brother, and 
Vicente. The issue that set off the fight was the broken items in 
the apartment, not Cecilia. In the end it turned out to be very 
fortunate that Vicente did break all that stuff, because it 
precipitated a vicious fistfight between him and Raul . The fight 
gave Cecilia her chance to slip out of the relationship with 
Vicente without having to confront her brother.

When she went to school the next day, Cecilia enjoyed a real 
sensation of freedom. She had done it, she was free! No more 
Vicente, no more bloody noses, no more cocaine-induced sex 
demands, no more pressure to join the girls' gang! She was done 
with all that! She was free!

The euphoria only lasted a couple of days. Before long, Vicente 
was back at the apartment, having made up with Raul and also 
expecting to make up with Cecilia. She fought the urge to take 
him back, sticking to her disgust over the fact he had another 
girlfriend. Her resolve not to take him back became even stronger 
when she found out that the other girlfriend was pregnant with 
his child.

After a week of arguing it finally seemed Vicente was ready to 
give up, especially since Cecilia's mother still was furious 
about what had happened to her apartment and ordered Raul to keep 
him out. Again Cecilia breathed a huge sigh of relief, except 
there was one problem. She had missed her period. So, it turned 
out that she hadn't broken free after all. Now she was stuck with 
having Vicente's kid.

A month passed, and several pregnancy tests confirmed the news, 
Cecilia was pregnant. What on earth was she going to do? Vicente 
already had another kid on the way and his behavior was becoming 
more erratic than ever. She couldn't go back to him. What the 
fuck was she going to do?

During that first month of being pregnant she made a significant 
decision. She decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy 
until she could figure out how to deal with it herself. Of course 
her family would expect her to have the baby, no matter what. But 
did she want the child? She was consumed with hatred towards 
Vicente for what he had done to her, and now her hatred was 
focused against his child, the one that she was carrying.

She went to Social Services for advice. The social worker 
pondered her options, none of which seemed particularly 
appealing. Finally, having exhausted all other possibilities, he 
made a suggestion, that she consider having an abortion. The 
thought went against everything that Cecilia's community believed 
and was a horrible solution, but it was the only choice that 
promised her the possibility of staying in school and returning 
to her prior life. 

For several days Cecilia struggled with the issue, but her hatred 
of Vicente finally pushed her to go ahead with the visit to the 
clinic. She asked the social worker to help her make 
arrangements, which entailed a trip into New York City. The 
procedure itself was grueling, humiliating, and left her in 
tears, but as she laid back and felt the instruments press into 
her, she kept reminding herself that it was her revenge against 
her ex-boyfriend. I ain't havin' your fuckin' kid, Vicente. I 
just ain't.

Cecilia returned to school somewhat changed. She had made her 
deal with the devil, ending the life of the child she was 
carrying so she could have her freedom back. There were times she 
felt horribly guilty about what she had to do, but usually she 
was able to direct her guilt as blame against her ex-boyfriend. 
Had he treated her better, she would not have felt so driven to 
have the abortion.

She became coldly focused on her studies. The guys remaining in 
school chased after her because she was so attractive, but she 
rudely rebuffed them. She spent the next three years of her life 
completely alone, pursuing a single mission in life. At all 
costs, she had to get her diploma and get out of the 
neighborhood. For the next three years, her obsession was 
graduating. She just had to get away.

She looked upon the Salsa and Rap-induced machismo of her 
neighborhood with loathing. She made no effort to conceal her 
contempt of the messages being constantly blared out through the 
loudspeakers and stereos of her peers. She jeered at her 
classmates' sexist Rap lyrics and in doing so further alienated 
herself from the other girls still attending the school. Anyhow, 
that wasn't how she was going to live. She was determined that 
never again would she take orders from a boyfriend or submit to 
anything a guy wanted. Instead, she would have to find a partner 
who was willing to submit to her and obey her. Never again could 
she relinquish control of her life to someone else, no matter how 
much she loved that other person.

When Cecilia finished her story she stood quietly at the window. 
Jason wasn't sure what to say. He had grown up in a community 
where abortion was not looked upon as much more than a simple 
medical procedure, but he knew that in the community from which 
Cecilia came, abortion was viewed very differently. To her, 
admitting to having undergone an abortion was a horrible 
confession. She had made a desperate decision that completely cut 
her off from the core values of her church, her family and her 
community. In Cecilia's mind, to keep her freedom she had to 
commit murder.

He knew better than to try to argue with her or convince her that 
what she did was no big deal. To her it was a very big deal. 
There would be no convincing her otherwise. He did have a 
question.

"I'm kinda curious about one thing. If you had to do it all over 
again, the abortion I mean, would you?"

"Yes, Jason, I would've. I didn't have no choice, 'cause I didn't 
wanna be Vicente's bitch. That's what he kept callin' me, his 
bitch. I ain't nobody's bitch."

Cecilia had opened the window of her soul to Jason, not out of 
any sudden weakness or vulnerability, but because she wanted him 
to understand her needs and what being with her would truly mean 
for his own life. He would have to surrender himself, because she 
couldn't have it any other way. There was no question that he 
would indeed submit to her. At that moment, following their night 
of difficult confessions, he became committed to accepting the 
life she had created for him. He had no choice, because the trip 
home and his memories of Heather Jones made him realize that, 
without Cecilia, the only thing he could look forward to in his 
own life was failure. He did not have a strong personality and 
without a partner who could force him to focus his energies, he 
would drift. He had the intelligence to succeed, but lacked the 
drive in his character. Cecilia, with her sharp commands and her 
willingness to use the belt on him, filled that void in Jason's 
life.

He needed her every bit as much as she needed him. Not only did 
he need her help with his studies, but he also needed her 
discipline and her ability to help him focus. He needed the love 
she was offering, a love that demanded he make the most out of 
himself and overcome his weaknesses. 

Jason also knew, in spite of her assertion "I'm gonna have to be 
in charge, and you're gonna have to live with that," there were 
some things in life he would be able to teach her. Swimming was 
one example. Over time there would have to be more swimming 
lessons, because she absolutely had to learn how to swim. Another 
way he had influenced her was her increasing openness about her 
body. He noticed she was wearing underwear less and had begun 
sleeping in the nude. His goal next summer would be to get her to 
go to a nude beach and break away from her remaining inhibitions. 
Over time he would have the chance to change her in other ways, 
although he would have to do it quietly and on the spur of the 
moment. Obviously he could never change her by attempting to give 
her any orders.

----------

It was 3:00 in the morning, but neither Cecilia nor Jason was 
tired. Jason needed to go to the bathroom, so Cecilia escorted 
him out of he women's wing and waited for him to return to the 
commons area. When Jason returned, they briefly looked at the 
deepening snow outside through a bay window, and then went back 
to her room.

As soon as she shut her door, she ordered him to stand still so 
she could undress him. She went slowly, gently caressing his body 
as she took off each article of clothing. Finally his shorts fell 
to the floor and he stepped out of them. As usual, he was not 
wearing any underwear. He continued standing still while she 
lovingly caressed his bottom and gently patted it. He sighed with 
arousal and some anxiety, because by patting his bottom she was 
letting him know that he was due for a spanking.

That night there was no sensuous lovers' talk, nor was there any 
teasing about what a bad boy Jason was. She simply was in the 
mood to have him lie across her lap and spend the next hour 
studying, caressing, and spanking his lovely bottom. She kissed 
him, patted his bottom again, gave it a very light smack, and 
then quickly pulled off her own clothes. Jason understood he was 
to remain standing and not move until she gave him permission, 
but already he was fully erect.

Cecilia could not have picked a better night to spank Jason. He 
was in the mood to be spanked. He was in the mood to lie across 
Cecilia's lap, surrender himself to her, and endure the moderate 
pain and intense pleasure that he always felt when she punished 
him by hand. 

She sat down on the bed and took his hand. She guided him over 
her lap and positioned him so that he was gracefully draped over 
her thighs. With her hand she gently pressed the insides of his 
legs to spread them slightly. She then instructed him to tilt his 
bottom up slightly so that he was spread and fully exposed. She 
gently brushed the backs of his testicles to tease him and then 
ran her finger up the middle, brushing past his bottom-hole. She 
tapped it with her fingertip and gave him a warning.

"I wanna see this until I'm finished with you. I want this sweat 
bottom of yours to stay relaxed. If you try to tighten up, I'm 
gonna have to get up and use the belt. I don't think you're gonna 
like that as much as my hand. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Cecilia."

He shifted up even more, inviting her to explore and study his 
backside before spanking it. She spent a very long time lovingly 
caressing and kissing that bare bottom, occasionally teasing his 
testicles or circling his bottom-hole with her fingertip. He 
loved it when she gently touched her lips to his bare skin, which 
soon would be pink and hot from the sharp slaps that were only 
minutes away. He was desperate with anticipation, loving every 
second of it.

She started gently at first, mixing soft slaps with caresses and 
kisses. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of 
helplessness and the sharpening physical sensations coming from 
his bottom. She took her time, enjoying the pinkish tone on his 
skin as it slowly darkened under her hand. She wished she could 
have him like this for days on end, because she really did enjoy 
giving him nice long spankings.

SLAP!…SLAP!… SLAP!… SLAP!… SLAP! After about 15 minutes, 
Cecilia's own excitement caught up with her. She began smacking 
him much harder and quit caressing his bottom. Her hours in the 
gym working out with Lisa were paying off, because now she had 
much more strength and endurance in her arms. She wanted Jason to 
feel the punishment, to give him a real spanking, not just a 
lover's playful pats. 

Jason bit his lip and gasped. The pain was more intense than the 
last time she had given him a hand spanking, but it was just what 
he needed. To be over his lover lap, to be under her control, to 
have her belabor his unprotected skin with harsh slaps…yes, it 
was what he wanted. And yet, as the pain in his bottom increased, 
he also felt safe and protected. She was in control, she was his 
keeper and his mistress.

Cecilia watched the light shade of pink on Jason's bottom turn to 
a deep shade of pink. It was obvious that he was enjoying the 
experience. She too, was deeply aroused by the sight and feel of 
Jason's spanked backside, and by the sight of his bottom-hole 
that he dutifully kept turned up and visible. Yes, he was a good 
boy. She was training him well.

She felt his penis pressing into her thigh and the familiar 
burning sensation between her own legs. He was sweating with 
arousal. He had behaved well, and there was no need to lay any 
extra swats across his bottom with the belt. Now it was time for 
the reward, for both of them. 

She stopped spanking, ordered him to stand up, tore open a condom 
package, and quickly slipped it on him. She then lay on her back 
and drew him to her. He entered her and started thrusting 
vigorously, the heat from his spanked bottom giving him that 
extra stimulation for a really special orgasm. Oh, this was good, 
it was really good. As he thrust into her, over and over, Cecilia 
gasped with pleasure, her body completely covered in sweat. She 
had her orgasm, but grunted "more…more…more". She dug her 
fingernails into her lover's swollen bottom; somehow knowing that 
would be enough to get another orgasm out of him. Again he pumped 
semen into the condom as he pushed in and out of her. The bed 
squeaked and tapped the wall as the two lovers burned out all 
their stress and energy in that exquisite round of love-making.

Finally, just as it was starting to get light outside, Cecilia 
and Jason did manage to get to sleep. It was a quiet, snowy 
Sunday morning, perfect for sleeping in. Cecilia cuddled in 
Jason's arms and fell asleep. He stayed awake just long enough to 
think about how happy he was at the moment. For the first time he 
felt at peace with himself, his life in order, thanks to the one 
woman on the planet who loved him and understood what he truly 
needed.