THE GENTLEMEN'S CLUB Alexis Written by Lady Poetess egiggles at moose-mail.com /~bbp Please do not reproduce on any website without permission. This story has no resemblance to anyone dead or alive. PROLOGUE The man looked as if he hadn't slept for days. It was late and visiting hours in the hospital was long passed, which probably explained why he had his head at the caf‚ table. Two empty Styrofoam cups with remnants of black coffee and a negligently tossed aside copy of Reader's Digest testified to his wretched state of existence. He was a classically handsome man were not for his red-rimmed eyes and the reckless fuck-me-if-you-dare desperation he exuded like a second nature. Goran Visnjic had a lot of things to be miserable about. He hadn't slept easy in the last month, not since that cursed fucked night he DUI and caused one man to be in a coma in one of the anonymous rooms in the floors above. He'd then walked out on his lover and his job and wasted his life here. The man in coma had a boyfriend, and the boyfriend, Marc Blucas, now walked into the caf‚. His friends called Marc the last Boy Scout. Like his moniker suggested, he never blamed Goran for Brian Krause's state, and he remained optimistic to all who knew him that Brian would wake up soon and life would be okay. Brian would never be okay. Goran knew that, and that was what fucking him up inside. That and the fact that Marc insisted on being kind and taking pity on Goran - that really twisted the blade that was killing him slowly with remorse, guilt, and regrets. Marc never knew what his kindness and inability to hate Goran was doing to Goran. In his defense, Marc was just incapable of hatred. He admitted such ruefully more than once: he couldn't keep enemies, he was genuinely nice to everyone in a guarded way, and he tried his best to keep a cheerful front in the face of adversity. Only one man knew the extent of Marc's neuroses and fears, but Noah Wyle would never tell anyone else what he overheard. Noah wasn't a close friend and in a way he was just as guarded with his emotions as Marc was. Only he wasn't as good a pretender as Marc was, no matter what Noah would like to believe. Marc was terrified of waking up one morning to realize that Brian would never wake up. Nobody knew, maybe except Brian and Noah, just how weak he actually was, and how he had depended on Brian for so long for the strength he had to keep going. When they were younger and times were hell, Marc had to be strong for Brian. Now, he had to be strong, but he didn't know for whom he had to be this way. Still, he didn't blame Goran. He couldn't blame anyone. He was a closet pessimist - he always knew life was a fucker this way. "Goran," he whispered gently as he tapped the man's back. "Come on, buddy," he said, "You need to sleep. Go home. Pierce will be waiting." "No Pierce," Goran mumbled, shrugging off Marc's hand. "Not worthy." "Don't be foolish, Goran." Goran might have walked out, but Pierce kept tabs on his lover. Marc would have found it amusing if he still could be amused. "Look, things will be okay. There's no point waiting," he lied for Goran's sake. "Come on, I'll call a cab and we'll get you back to Pierce's place." The surgery would cost Marc almost every penny in his bank account - and still he couldn't have afforded it if Goran hadn't chipped in the money he had saved for his own education. And if their richer acquaintances hadn't chipped in their share. But neurosurgery always came with no fail proof guarantee, and there was always a chance that Brian still might not recover. Marc didn't believe that there was a chance of failure. He refused. And he wondered what he would do if he was proven wrong. Still, he had to be strong now, for Goran's sake at least, if not for his own sake. ONE Alexis Denisof had a good excuse to be five hours late for work that morning. No one could chew on him for his horrendously unkempt appearance, his torn shirt and pants, or his bleeding forehead. The earliest subway train of the morning that he was taking to work was trapped when the passageway caved in and caused the train roof to collapse in the process. "How's the kid?" he asked as he tried to stay on his feet. It had been a long five hours trapped in the subterranean and an impromptu tracheostomy took more than he got. "Ouch." "Sorry. The kid's doing fine." Dr Linden Ashby finished his stitching of Alex's forehead. Stitching minor wounds was his idea of a break in-between today's nightmare in the ER. "Well, you're all set. I have to go back to the ER." "Your coffee," Alex said, gesturing at Linden's forgotten cup at the table. "And thanks, Ashby." "Hey, no problem, Denisof. The least I can do for a hero." "I am not - oh fuck." Alex cursed and wished he had taken a cab that morning instead. Alex thought he was prepared for anything after that morning's adventure. He took a step back however when he saw the last person he expected to see at the supervisor's office. "Hi there. I heard you did some superhero rescue out there this morning," the handsome doctor, his age indefinable, said, looking up from the seat he had usurped at least for now. "Morning, Alexis. Nice to see you again." Alex recognized the elegant British accent anywhere. He had spent hours as an earnest medical student unconsciously mimicking that accent. Dr Anthony Stewart Head was one of the rare brain surgeons around that still deigned to work for hospitals while charging only an arm, a leg, both kidneys, and the liver instead of the whole gross income of Panama some of his colleagues were wont to do. The same doctor who expressed his disappointment when Alex opted out midway through his specialized surgery course. Tony never understood why Alex wasn't just like him, and his disappointment that Alex wasn't a clone of him was apparent when he lectured, sputtered in exasperation really, that day five years ago in Sheffield when Alex told him he had to quit. "I was about to ask, but I guess I know how you are still handy with a scalpel in your hands." Tony took off his spectacles and studied his former golden student. "You look like hell. You want to freshen up first?" "I am freshened up," Alex said when he could finally find his voice. He felt as if he was in the formalin-smelling surgery ward again, trying not to break down as he tried to be strong and made a firm incision into a cadaver. "I am just not good at handling these moments of heavy responsibility." Oh, he was baiting Tony now even by habit. He was a bad, bad boy, Alex. Tony didn't rise to the bait. "I'm performing a surgery in four day's time. It's a case of intracerebral hemorrhage at a bit too close to the brainstem but still far enough to give an optimistic chance of recovery. As I happen to be in the area, and this hospital is grievously understaffed at the moment, would you like to join me?" "You're kidding. You'll be taken to task for breaking protocols. Didn't you hear? I'm a kid's doctor now." "I hear you sew stitches and prescribe antibiotics," Tony said. Heat flashed in his mild voice for the first time since they talked. "Damn it, Alex, you could be so much more. You are the highest scorer still in the oral finals at Sheffield, and I have never seen a more promising surgeon than you. And now all you do is to lower yourself to - this? What a waste of rare gift." "I didn't ask for the gift, Tony. I never ask for the responsibility!" Alex snapped. "I don't want to be responsible for some surgery that has so little success rate. Yes, I'm a coward - damn, didn't we have this argument five years ago?" "You're right," Tony said and tossed the file he had been reading carelessly - and in frustration - aside. "Look, do think about it. I know you, Alex, and I know you are a surgeon, not a doctor." "You don't know me," Alex said through gritted teeth. "Yeah? I've seen you at work. You remind me so much of myself then, a happier, idealistic version of me. I think I am even more disappointed than you when you get disillusioned faster than I." Tony shook his head slightly. "You don't become a doctor expecting to win every time, Alex." "I don't want to spend the rest of my nights unable to sleep because I couldn't save my patients. I can't live with the guilt." "How about those you could have saved if you haven't hidden in your pediatrician ward?" Tony asked. "Brain surgery is not a crusade." "It is when you have people dying and not enough gifted surgeons to even try to help them. Hippocratic oath, Alex. Or have you forgotten that?" Tony genuinely believed in his responsibilities as a doctor to serve mankind. The man even worked with Doctors Without Borders on his vacations. It was what kept him strong through the high failure rates of brain surgeries, he once told Alex, because he believed those he saved were worth the effort. Tony found comfort in that he had tried his best to even try to give those doomed idiots a second shot at life. Alex wished he was that na‹ve. "I am a good pediatrician. I have great rapport with kids," Alex stated. "And you do things any medical graduates with a specialization in pediatrics could do," Tony said. "Enough, Alex, I've been disappointed enough by you. Here, keep this photocopied file with you and read it in your spare time. If you think you still have what it takes, call me and let me know." "You want me to do brain surgery?" Alex asked in disbelief. "No, but it'll be like the old times. Don't tell me you don't miss being in the surgery ward. I know you, Alex. You love the ward, but you are just scared of the responsibility." Tony smiled. "Come on, think about it. We're brain surgeons, Alex, royalty in the medical field. Don't you want your own sports car?" "I can buy the lottery and hope," Alex said. But his fingers closed around one edge of the file nonetheless. Damn Tony - his reappearance brought back so much memories, good memories. The man was right; some of Alex's happiest moments were when he had sharp surgical instruments in his hands. He knew he should have considered dropping out of high school and taking over his father's meat business years ago. Damn! TWO "How are you feeling?" Alex asked as he carefully took the boy's temperature. "Tired. You don't look like a doctor," the boy said as soon as the thermometer was removed from his mouth. "Oh really?" Alex looked up from his noting down the boy's details on the clipboard. "What does a doctor look like?" "Funny, trying to act like Kermit the Frog. You act really serious." "Oh. I don't think I look good pretending to be a frog," Alex told him. "You sleep as much as you can and don't bother the nurses too much okay? Nurse Linda is still complaining that you pestered her to call you a pizza. No pizzas." "Aw, why not? I hate all this mushy things you force me to eat!" "Come on, Denis, the faster you recover, you faster you can eat all the pizzas and burgers you want. And to get well soon, you need to eat more mushy stuff." Alex stood up and pulled the sheets up to the boy's neck. "Now, go to sleep. I'll come around in two hour's time." "Hey, Doc, I hear you save some boy today, is it true?" Denis asked, kicking off the sheets. Alex sighed and pulled the sheets back up. "Yes, I did." "Mom said you have the greatest ass ever for a doctor. Wait until I tell her and Dad that you are a superhero as well!" Greatest ass? Alex sometimes wondered. The hospital made people believe and think ridiculous thoughts. "I'm just a doctor, Denis. Please behave, or I will make you stay here for another week." That got Denis to stay still, for about two minutes. Alex decided to leave that boy in the hands of the more kid- terrifying nurse Bettina and continue his rounds when Denis pulled at his coat. "Yes, Denis?" he asked after a deep steadying breath. "You know, you speak funny. What kind of ac. air." "Accent?" "Yeah, accent," Denis said proudly. "What kind of accent is that?" "A foreign accent," Alex said dryly. "I spent my childhood in England." "But your name don't sound English." Alex smiled and playfully rumpled the boy's hair. "That's because my parents are from Russia. Any other questions?" "Nah. Wait, how's Russia like? Do there have lots of nuclear missiles there?" Alex couldn't miss that man standing outside his apartment door that night. He estimated that the man might be about six feet one or two in height, and noted that the man was clad in well-fitted jeans and a casual dull blue shirt. Those clothes somehow accentuated the man's slim and graceful physique. The man's face was - well, rather square. Not literally, but it did give Alex the impression that the stranger was open and trusting and. well, nice. In fact, the man seemed to radiate that niceness spirit like radioactivity. On its own accordance, Alex started gravitating towards the stranger. Thick, beautifully dark, almost black eyelashes, he noted as he came closer, and the bluest eyes he had ever seen. And the man smiled when he saw Alex. It was a simple grin that seemed devoid of any chic modern day cynicism. "Hello there. Are you lost?" Alex managed to ask the man. "I live here, and I may help you on your way." "I know," the man said in a noticeable Texan accent. "No, I'm not lost." "You're looking for someone?" "Aren't you the doc that did that trackytomy thing on that young man this morning? Yes you are." "Fuck," Alex said softly. "Don't tell me you are a reporter." "No, doctors aren't that hot news compared to politicians," the man said. "Actually I'm looking for you. I'm Luke." Luke was mad. That was the only explanation Alex could think of. He was mad too, because he couldn't bring it in himself to even muster any fear for this crazy man. "I don't know you, so move aside and let me get into my apartment," he told the man as he reached for his keys. See? He had gone mad too - he was relaxed around this guy who by all means could be a nutcase. "Well, you can know me." "Are you flirting with me?" Alexis asked, pushing open his door enough to just kick his bag inside and let himself in. "Don't move. You are not coming in." "Relax. I am a nice guy. I really, really need to talk to you." "So talk." "Okay, I'm looking for someone. I don't know who he is, I only know I must find him soon, and my only clue is that you will lead me to him." "I'm closing the door." Alex was surprised at himself. Was he baiting this guy? But Luke's smile was so infectious, and the man just seemed so harmless and approachable that Alex just couldn't muster his defenses. "Why don't you go to the public phone below and call me from there?" "Here's my ID." Luke took out his wallet and showed his ID. "Look, this is serious. The guy really needs me, okay." "If he needs you, how come you don't know how to find him or even who he is?" "That's because there is a miscommunication between me and my employer and I haven't been able to reach him since. And my deadline is looming and I will be screwed if I flunk this assignment." Realization dawned on Luke's face. "Oh, I haven't told you my job. I'm a realtor." "A realtor huh? Very funny." Luke's surprisingly strong grip latched on the door, preventing Alex from shutting it, surprised the latter. "Look," Luke said, his voice low now, "Help me. Please. I know today everyone is trying to kill, maim, rob, rape, or mutilate everybody else. They warn me that New Yorkers can give old Lucifer a lesson or two in his estate management. But you know what, Alex, I'm not a New Yorker. I don't have a gun, I get bullied and victimized when I was younger, and if I want to sleep with you, you will want it as much as I do. So please let me in, and we'll talk. Okay?" "Oh very well. Come on in." Alex opened the door wide. THREE Alex really started to believe that Luke had never been to New York. In fact, as he dragged Luke out of the way of a speeding car, he would believe that Luke had never been to Earth. "You know, things look so much more exciting here than where I used to live," Luke said, looking at two spiky-haired ladies, one dragging the other along by the dog chain around the other's neck. "The fashion's much cooler too. Can we go shop for some clothes after this?" Luke would just tag along with Alex for this next few days. According to him, Alex would meet someone whom Luke would have to deliver some important material to, and until then, Luke would be around as much as he could. Alex wondered how Luke would follow him into the hospital tomorrow, but he decided not to pursue that. Let Luke wrangle out of that one and Alex would enjoy the show. Alex had a movie date. He had called earlier to tell Jason Behr that Jason had better buy another ticket as Luke would be tagging along. Jason's boyfriend was out of town on some business trip and he was feeling rather lonely. Alex felt a bit lonely himself too, so he had good-naturedly cut in Jason's shrill pestering of the guys at the bar that Friday night and said he'd love to be Jason's date. In a sense, Alex was glad Luke was coming. Now that he thought about it, he knew why even the most stoic guys he knew tremble at the thought of two hours trapped in a dark closed space with Jason Behr. That guy was unpredictably bizarre. "Those are the biggest pair of ears I have ever seen," Luke marveled as they stood and watched from afar Jason Behr study a movie poster. Jason didn't move, actually bent over to peer the poster, and he didn't even move for the few minutes the two men study him. "He looks like those adorable aliens I saw in that George Lucas movie. Big rounded gremlin-shaped head and big, big ears - how adorable," Luke said. Alex looked at him. Luke wasn't being sarcastic. He was actually gazing at the back profile of Jason with as much interest as he studied everything around him. "That reminds me. I think I will buy one of those overpriced Furbee toys before I go home." "Just remember, Jason may not like you comparing him to an Ewok, a Furbee, or a gremlin. His boyfriend Jeffrey told me that the guy is particularly sensitive about those ears, so lay off the Ewok talk, okay?" Alex told him. His limbs still wouldn't obey his brain. The thought of sitting next to Jason who by all account would either talk non-stop and start a riot or god knows what else was at that moment absolutely petrifying. Just like those moments before he had to perform a surgery. Where had that thought come from? He was never afraid of surgery. He just didn't want the responsibility he wasn't willing to shoulder. "Okay," Luke said, cutting short Alex's unwelcome thoughts. "Hey, Jason! Hi!" he called, also cutting short Alex's peace. Jason grinned, further completing the Ewok moment, and gestured at the poster in that absent-minded, indecipherable way only Jason could perform. Alex decided he needed to get some alcohol from the theatre snack bar. When he walked back with the strongest drink he could find in his hand - Coke - he was surprised to see Luke actually acting as if he was listening to every word of Jason. Was Jason the guy Luke was looking for? "So, you see, I think the movie is going to suck bad," Jason was saying. "And you know this because of the way the hero stands?" Luke made an admiring sound. "Amazing. Hey, Alex, listen. Jason has this great way to tell how a movie sucks or not. See the way the hero stands, just like that? That's a sign of a serious suckdom coming up." "Don't encourage him," Alex said under his breath. "Seriously, it does make sense. See, the way he holds that sword. uhm. what was it again, Jay?" "See, you don't hold a sword this way, with your hands close together at the handle. You won't be able to control the angle of the blade, the speed, the precision, or the depth of penetration of the blade," Jason said. He stuttered at first, clearly disconcerted at the thought of explaining to the icy, always disapproving man he'd heard Jeffrey call `stuck-up prick' more than once, but under Luke's warm approving smile, he warmed to the act soon enough. "The right way is to have at least a few inches separation between both hands. That's the same mistake many American comics do as well. Somehow the Japanese and Chinese comics get it right, but I guess that's because the blades they depict originate from them, right? Why can't -" Jason caught the look on Alex's face and caught himself before he flew off-tangent. "Anyway, this shows a lack of research. If a movie can't get that small fact straight, how can it boast of having spectacular stunt choreography, right?" "Right," Luke drawled. He made it sound like he really, genuinely approved. "You're a smart guy, Jay. Say, you run a comic store right?" He hit the right spot. Nothing got Jason launching like a bullet train with malfunctioning braking system like talking about his precious store or his precious boyfriend. Feeling irrationally irritated and even neglected, Alex made a grand gesture of looking at his watch. Finally, when those two happy chatters didn't seem to notice, he cleared his throat loudly. "The film is starting in ten minutes time. Shall we go take our seats?" The movie wasn't too bad. Alex would have enjoyed it more if Jason hadn't laughed at the wrong moments and spilled popcorns all over the place in the process. Or if Luke hadn't chuckled and whispered something in Jason's ears that made the man laugh further, if in a toned down volume. And if Alex hadn't felt the heated curl of envy in his chest as he watched those two have fun like two lovebirds enjoying life. Rationally, he knew that Jason's mild autism sometimes made it difficult for the man to actually understand rules. Jason had let drop to Luke that he actually tried to memorize rules instead of understanding the rationale - he still couldn't understand why he couldn't laugh at a stand-up comedienne but not at the big screen at things he found funny. The fact that Luke actually took time to understand that man made Alex felt kind of peevish and petty to snipe and sneer at Jason. He watched now from the door at Luke sleeping on the living room couch. The man wasn't handsome, Alex told himself. Okay, handsome in a dull, goofy way. But despite the boring exterior, Luke displayed a disarmingly gentle patience that win over everyone he met, Alex included. "Relax and have fun, Alex," Luke had said as he sat back and placed his arms around Jason and Alex. "Come on and help me buy a Furbee." Jason who now considered Luke his newest best friend paid for the toy after an embarrassing speech about friendship and Ewoks in the store, among stunned customers. Alex cringed inside and walked ten steps away from the other two. Luke however, acted as genuinely charmed as always and offered to treat Jason a late supper at a diner. Again, Alex felt embarrassed and churlish at his own behavior. "Relax and have fun." He hadn't been having fun in so long, he realized now. He couldn't even remember how. Luke sighed and turned in his sleep. He was wearing a loose T- shirt of Alex as well as a pair of shorts, also Alex's. The shorts exposed Luke's long, graceful legs in all their glory. Reluctant desire uncoiled in Alex's loins, as he couldn't help imagining those long legs clasping his torso or between his own spread legs, those hairy flanks burning the insides of Alex's thighs with erotic scorch. And maybe it was Alex's sharp inhale of breath, but Luke's beautiful blue eyes opened at the very moment Alex placed his hands at the back of the couch and bent over to look at Luke closer. "Hi. Can't sleep?" Luke asked, his voice still somewhat husky from his sleep. "I'm sorry. I'll just go back," Alex started to say. "No, that's okay. I needed to talk to you anyway," Luke said, sitting up. In the dark, the room lit only by the streetlamps outside and the glimmer of light reflected in Luke's eyes, Alex felt disorientated from his usual equilibrium. He was always sure of his place in this world: with his brilliance, he could be at the top if he wanted to. Now, he wasn't so sure. There was an indefinable timelessness in Luke's eyes that drew Alex to, without any conscious thought, reach out and touch the stubble along Luke's jaw. A blissful, precious touch that burned Alex in his soul as well as his skin. "I can't give you what you want, Alex," Luke said softly, effectively cutting through Alex's lust-hazed senses. Still, he didn't release the hand he moved from his face. "I'm sorry." "It's okay. I understand," Alex lied. He didn't. He was a starkly handsome man who never had problems finding someone who wanted easy, commitment-free sex as much as he. It was fucking hard on his ego that Luke wasn't that man. "No you don't." Luke picked up the Furbee Jason bought him and played with the toy absently. Alex wanted to rip that toy out of the man's hands, unreasonably jealous of that weirdo Jason who seemed to have won Luke over. "He has a boyfriend, you know. Jason," Alex clarified. "Jason? A charming man, but no, I don't think we will suit. He is strange, but that's his charm. There's a reason why people are created with so many different personalities. Alex, I think I know whom I must meet." That meant Luke would walk out soon. Good, Alex's head thought. His heart hurt, however, at the thought of this man leaving his life so soon. What was wrong with him? "Who is it?" he asked with a nonchalance he didn't feel. "Jason let drop that there was a man in his acquaintance who was in a coma. I am told by my contact that this is the type of person I am looking for. Why are you laughing?" "You are supposed to facilitate the transfer of a real estate to a man in coma?" Alex asked incredulously. "Oh yeah, you think a realtor's a - " Luke chuckled. "It's a bit more complicated than that, Alex. But yeah, I have to find this guy. He's scheduled for some brain surgery soon and I have to find him as soon as the surgery is over." Alex had to sit down. "I know where you can start looking then. I know a - an old friend who is here specially to perform a brain surgery in three day's time. I have the file with me." "I knew I've met the right fellow," Luke said. "Can I see the file?" "Is it the right man?" Alex asked later. He was actually selfish enough to be disappointed when Luke nodded. So now Luke's guy had a name - Brian Krause, the very man Tony was trying to drag Alex into watching being operated and most likely killed in the process. It sure was a small world. Alex would have laughed, but he couldn't. FOUR Luke insisted that Alex attend the surgery when he realized that Alex was invited to attend. "This is important," Luke said. "Why?" Alex asked, too weary to argue as he waited to flag a cab. "And what are you doing?" "I'm coming with you. I'm going to take a look at Brian." "You can't do that until later today during visiting hours," Alex told him. "Watch me. Anyway, I've talked to the boss last night and he said it is okay if I let you know more than I'm supposed to. So I'll just tell you Alex that rules don't stop me. You want a cab? I'll get you a cab." Luke lifted his right hand and snapped his fingers. Sure enough, a cab drove up and stopped before Alex. "Coincidence," Alex said, slightly shaken. "There's nothing coincidental about life," Luke insisted gently. "Get in." Alex found Luke chatting to Denis that boy four hours later. Drained from having to tell a child's parents that the girl had cancer and would probably live for only a year at most, he was ill prepared at the sight of Luke in an off-limit ward. "How did you get here? Damn it, Luke, I'll call security," Alex said. "Don't be a spoilsport," Denis said. "Luke here is telling me about his trip to Morocco. It's so cool! Did you really find that pyramid by yourself?" "Luke, how did you get in here?" Alex whispered when he finally got to pry the man away from the now sleeping Denis. "Relax, Alex. There's no harm in keeping this boy happy in his last few days of life," Luke said. "What?" Alex punched him then. "Denis is not going to die," he said fiercely. "Nobody in my care will die, damn it, so don't you dare say that." Luke had fallen to the ground after the punch. Now he shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I thought you knew." "He just have some complications," Alex said. "We are trying to - he will be okay in a few weeks after we - " "Alex, it's okay," Luke said softly. "He's not going to die," Alex insisted. "I'm sorry," Luke just said. Denis experienced a relapse two hours later. Alex tried. He really tried until he couldn't try anything else, and in the end he only watched as his colleague Doris lifted the sheets over the boy's face. Only when he found Luke in the staff lounge eating a sandwich could he finally find his voice. "Fuck you," he said. Luke only looked up, and his pity only inflamed Alex's rage. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew," was all Luke said. "You have no right," Alex said, and fury propelled him across the room, to lift Luke up by his collar and slam him hard against the wall. "Who gives you the right to come into my life like that? Who the fuck do you think you are to pity me? Who the bloody fuck do you think you are?" he screamed then, shaking that man. "You can blame me if it makes you feel better," Luke managed to say. "Please stop shaking me - damn, that hurt!" Alex dropped the man and staggered back. "Denis died," he said. "He died," Luke said sadly. "But you tried, Alex. You did all you could." "But not enough," Alex said hoarsely, looking at Luke with pain in his eyes. "I could have increased his medication dose, I could have - " "There are some things that is beyond even your control, doctor," Luke said gently. "I think it is time you accept that. I don't want to see you going mad after a few years in your job. Besides, Denis' pain has ended and he is in a better place now." "Please, don't tell me those fucking clich‚s. Save that for the greeting cards," Alex said and turned away. "I have to go back to work. I have to -" "Alex." "- see that the other leukemia kids get a higher dosage of -" "Alex!" "What?" Alex snapped. "It's okay, Alex. It's okay." "It's not okay!" Alex stabbed his finger at Luke's chest. "A boy died, Luke. And I didn't let him even enjoy your story before he died," he finished, all his fury drained now. "I was always snapping and belittling his attempts to talk to me. He was just lonely, and I kept calling him an annoying brat," he whispered. "Luke, I always think I am a good doctor. Oh fuck it, then why am I so nasty to Denis? Why am I so fucking evil to everybody?" Luke's thumb wiped the reluctant tear falling from Alex's eye. "You don't know, Alex. You can't blame yourself like that. And you can't take care or control how everyone's life runs, Alex. I should know." "What do you know?" Alex whispered, letting Luke's arms close around him and placing his own cheek on Luke's chest, not caring how improper that gesture was. All he wanted now was the comfort Luke's warm embrace promised. "I do know that life isn't fair. Like how all this happiness I am experiencing, just living, will end after my job is done. How you and Jason will forget me after this. I won't even be able to take the Furbee along with me," Luke said. "You may think I am the most optimistic fool alive, Alex, but inside, I can be the most bitter man alive too." "What are you talking about?" Alex asked. "Why should Jason and I forget you?" "Nothing," Luke said. "Just remember that Denis' passing is not your fault, okay? Everyone dies, and it sounds like a clich‚, but death is not the end." "You know, Luke, you are a good comforter." Alex looked up and smiled. "I'm feeling better, even when I think all you are saying are greeting card mawkishness." "That's what I'm here for," Luke said, maybe letting Alex go only slightly reluctantly. "Hey, and Alex? Be nicer to the kids, okay? Let them yak and irritate you all the want. Besides, they're paying your salary." Alex realized only later he still didn't know how Luke got past the hospital security. He tried to humor the kids, he really tried, and those kids that were now scared after they heard of Denis' passing he found himself telling a story to. It was a story told by his mother after his grandmother's death when he was a boy missing her terribly, and he didn't know how he remembered it still. Maybe he knew. He had been missing his grandmother and his parents all this time. He had been afraid all this while too. Of death, of loss of control over his life and destiny, and of failure to save every life under his care. It took a man's gentle voice and the feel of his soft steady chest under Alex's cheek to finally have Alex confronting the fears he refused to believe he had. It wasn't easy, but maybe - maybe he had tried his best for Denis. If he was angry because he couldn't save Denis, because he wasn't nicer to that boy, because he even denied the boy Luke's final comfort in his pettiness - so many because and so many regrets - maybe he would make atonement for it come some judgment day. Maybe he did try his best. He always had, fighting against everything and anything in his way to get what he wanted in life. He just couldn't admit that he had weaknesses. Yet tonight, before he closed his shift, he found himself looking at the cot Denis slept in, now cleaned and ready for the next boy or girl with some terminal illnesses, he found himself crying for the first time since his grandmother's funeral. The feel of warm tears on his cheeks was so alien to him that it took him awhile to realize that he was crying. "Dr Denisof?" Betty's concerned voice cut through his thoughts. "Are you okay?" "I'm okay," Alex managed to say through his tears. He reached for a tissue in his pocket. "I'm just thinking of Denis." Betty smiled comfortingly and took the doctor's hand. In all her years here, since the doctor came onboard she had thought the man hard and unfeeling. How nice to learn that she was wrong. "Dr Denisof, it's okay to cry. The first time I lost a boy under my care I cried and thought I couldn't take it anymore." "How did you cope?" Alex asked her. "I have to be strong for them. I can't have children, Dr Denisof, even though my husband and I tried for so long. In a way these kids have become like my children, and someone has to be strong for them." "I tried my best," Alex said softly. "Yes, we all did," Betty said sadly. "Tony?" Alex pushed open the door without knocking. Dr Anthony Head looked up from his reading. "Still not leaving yet?" he asked Alex, hiding his surprise at the man's presence. "I will be there at the surgery," Alex said hesitantly. "Look, it's going to be hard, and I don't know how much I can be of help, but I'll be there. Good night." He quickly shut the door, uncomfortable with his newfound mawkishness. Alex expected to see Luke waiting for him at the hospital doors. He hadn't seen that man since his comforting Alex earlier that day, and Alex knew now how much he had missed Luke. To his disappointment, no Luke was waiting for him. When he reached home, he found Luke asleep on the couch. Maybe Alex couldn't blame him - it was three in the morning and no one would wait up that long unless he was madly nuts for Alex. And obviously Luke wasn't mad for Alex. A pity, because Alex had a feeling that he was slowly being attracted to this strange man. Luke looked surprised when Alex came home early the next day. Okay it was three, but that was as earliest that Alex could get away with. "Tomorrow is going to be the last day you have to be here, according to you," Alex said simply. "Yes," Luke said. There seemed to be more he wanted to say, but he didn't. "Then come on. Let me show you around and we will have fun." "Fun? You?" Luke asked playfully. At the sight of Alex's now red face, he smiled in mischief and shrugged. "Okay, hero, show me what you got." Alex had in mind a grand evening of fun, which to him meant dinner at a fancy restaurant, a night of classical music, and a goodnight kiss at the door. He couldn't anticipate watching a high school baseball game, or yelling his voice out when some nobody he didn't know scored a home run for some high school team he didn't know and shouldn't care about. He could put that on the fact that Luke's arm was around his shoulder throughout the match, and the contact made Alex's heart warm. It was so easy to believe that he and Luke had something going when Luke was holding him like that - steady and almost possessively. Forget the fancy restaurant - Luke wanted to play pool. So they did, and Luke soundly demolished the reigning champion Michael Vartan. And it seemed everyone but Luke noticed the way Alex's face reddened when Luke spontaneously hugged him or rub the back of his shoulders. The knowing winks and even pitying smiles suffocated so much that Alex was glad when he finally dragged Luke out of that place. "I'm sorry," Luke said now as they were back at Alex's place. Alex was brushing his teeth. "Whatever for?" he called from the bathroom. "I didn't know you can't play pool. Thanks for the night, Alex. You aren't too bad at being fun. Could use some work, but for a start, you'll do." "Thanks a lot." Alex cleaned up and walked out the bathroom where Luke was waiting for his turn. He wanted to say something smart, but he had no idea what, not when looking at Luke only took his breath away. When had that happened, this blazing attraction he had to the man? Whenever it was, it happened so soon it caught Alex unawares. Maybe Luke read his mind, however. And it was a brief kiss, a touch of lips on lips, barely satisfying. Then Luke pulled away, an unreadable look on his face. "I'm sorry," Luke said softly. "If we are someone else and in another life or time," he said, then with a shake of his head he closed the door behind him. Alex knocked the back of his head against the wall and wished he could just roll up into a small ball and disappear completely. He touched his lips with shaking fingers, and then snapped completely. He punched at the door. "Hey, Luke, fuck you. If you are a man you will come out and finish what your kiss started. What? Too cowardly to take things like a real man?" He didn't expect, however, a very naked Luke to push open the door and glowered at him. "Hey, I resent that slur on my manhood," he said, all glorious muscles and one splendid erection straining towards Alex. "That's it - you are going to get it, buster, and I am going to give it to you." Alex laughed nervously, unable to take his eyes off that thick erection, and cried out in - well, fun when Luke made a grab for him. "Like this?" Luke asked, lifting Alex's legs. "I can't believe you have never done this before," Alex said, clasping his legs high around Luke's torso. "Seriously, Luke, never?" "Never." Luke couldn't help letting one hand feel the wet and dripping pucker of his recently thoroughly ravaged anus. That was one new pleasure, and now he was about to experience another. "I'll hold you to it that this one is as fun as what you did to me." "Oh yeah it is," Alex whispered, then gasped when Luke's cock slowly forged its way deep up him. "You learn fast." "I know how it's done, I just haven't done it before myself," Luke said, "and oh yes, Alex, that feels so good." "Told you," Alex said. Luke kissed him then, as he slowly started thrusting into Alex in short, steady rhythm. He didn't last long, and he apologized to Alex for that, but they both agreed the next few hours of he making up to Alex were much better and he was indeed an adept student. "Good morning," Luke said the next morning. "I made us breakfast." "You don't have to get up so early," Alex said. "No one should get up at five in the morning except for doctors." "It's okay. It's your big day today. You're going back to the surgical ward." Luke grinned. "Can I say I'm proud of you?" "Will you be there?" Alex asked. "I shouldn't be there," Luke answered. "Look, I don't know how you get in, and I don't care anymore. But I will be grateful if I know you will be around when I go there. I don't know if I will snap at the last moment," Alex said. Inward, he was still embarrassed at this public revelation of his weakness, but somehow, it was okay. Luke was okay. "I will be there. For you and for Brian," Luke said simply. "And we can have dinner together afterwards," Alex said happily. "You are not listening, are you, Alex? I have to go after Brian," Luke said softly. "Why? You can stay here. You can even sleep in my bed," Alex said. "I mean, I thought last night you said I was special to you." He was past the embarrassment phase, now he was humiliating himself with his neediness, but he couldn't hide all his feelings any longer, not with Luke. "You are a good friend, Alex, and I like you. I like you for your weaknesses as well as strengths. You don't know it, but sometimes I wish I am as strong as you. But no, I have to go, Alex. Not because I wanted to, but I have to." "I see," Alex said finally. "No you don't. I won't exist anymore after today. This life in me?" Luke tapped his chest. "It's not mine. It's Brian's. I'm a realtor, Alex, a reality adjustor. I'm like a genie, only of course they call me a miracle. I exist only to find Brian and restore him back to life. Then I'll be no more. It's only the miscommunication with the bureaucracy that I am sent here too early and I get to know you and." Luke smiled, not knowing whether to be bitter or radiant. "And I learn what it feels like to be a human being. For a while, I get to pretend." "What the fuck are you babbling about?" Alex said. "Never mind," Luke said softly. "Very well, we'll go dinner this evening," he lied. He was fast becoming good at that too. FIVE Alex was panicking. He stood in the operating theatre, frozen at his spot. The lights, the smell of death, and the cold, cold air - all reminded him why he gave up on all this long, long ago. He couldn't do this. He was about to walk out when he saw Luke standing at a corner, smiling at him. He blinked, then Luke was gone. But that brief hallucination reminded Alex of the promise he made to Luke: that he would be here. He didn't know why Luke wanted him so badly to be here, but he didn't care as long as Luke would always be here in his life. For the first time in his life, Alex felt at peace with himself. Not fearless, but at peace with his fears. Now, he was terrified out of his wits, and every instinct of his urged him to flee. He didn't want to be in here when Brian Krause dies. "It's okay," he heard Luke say in his mind. Yes, it was okay. It was always okay, if he tried his best. If he tried his best. For Denis, for Luke, for himself. Taking a deep breath, Alex nodded when Tony beckoned for him to stand close. Someone asked for the scalpel, and Alex could only watch as the nightmare started. "Good job, Denisof." Someone patted Alex's back. The latest in so many pats. He was a hero again. Wow. Who would have thought he would be the one to notice the signs of Brian's impending complication and initiated the steps necessary to minimize the damage? He did it. He survived the nightmare, and he actually felt good. Brian's condition was still touch-and-go, but he might have saved the man by noticing the sign of complications. Maybe Luke was right. Maybe Tony was right too. Maybe he ought to be a hero and save lives at his best. He should do his best at his very best. Where was Luke? He was probably waiting for Brian. Wait until Alex told Luke this, of how he might have saved the show. But when he saw Luke standing at the doorway of the ward Brian was placed in, Alex felt instinctive fear seized him. He didn't question how Luke got there or how no one seemed to be on duty watching Brian. All he knew was that Luke, his hands already at the doors at both sides of him, must not close the door. Or Luke would be lost to Alex permanently. "No!" He said, jamming his own hands between the doors. "Luke, don't do this. I can't bear to lose you." "You of all people," Luke said, always teasing, although this time his voice was tinged with resignation and maybe even despair. "You want me to let Brian die?" "He is not going to die," Alex said. Not this again, not this, please. "He is if I don't go to him," Luke said firmly. "This will only take a second, then life will return to the way it was. You will forget me soon, Alex, and find someone else." "I won't forget," Alex said, trying to push the doors open. "Please, don't, Luke. There must be another way." "There's no other way. It's always an absolute, this way or none." Luke looked skywards. "Sometimes I wish I can hate my boss. Fucking asshole. I wish there is a choice, and I wish I have a chance with you. There never is, there is only my duty, and I'm sorry I have to hurt you, Alex. I hope it is consolation enough that I will remember every minute we have until the end. Goodbye." With what sounded like a sob, Luke forcefully slams the doors shut, forcing Alex to fall back. "No!" Alex screamed then. He trammeled his fists on the door, pushing at them, trying to part them open. Then, suddenly, they opened. "Dr Denisof? Are you okay?" It was Betty, who then walked into the room. "You need some rest? You look pale." "You didn't see - ?" Of course she didn't. Alex knew that even if he didn't know how or why she didn't. He looked around him. Everyone was behaving normally. He walked into the room, and when he saw Brian, he knew at once that the unconscious patient would soon recover like no brain surgery patient ever did. A miracle. Alex walked away before Betty could witness his breakdown into tears. He was slowly forgetting. Jason couldn't remember at all, to him Luke was just a guy Alex dated briefly. Alex tried, he tried so hard, trying to draw out Luke's face on paper, but his skill at art was pathetic. He remembered how he had turned down Luke's playful invitation to take a picture in that instant photo booth that night, and now he wanted to kick himself for his stupidity. Tried as he might, however, Luke's face was slowly fading from his memory. But not the memory of the man's gentle kindness and smile and easy acceptance of everything but his fate. Luke had fought, Alex now knew, but it was a very weak defiance because Luke, like Alex, was beholden to duty and responsibilities he was terrified of. For Luke, Alex decided to go back to medical school. Maybe by the time he came out a brain surgeon he would heal and accept Luke's departure. Who was he kidding? He missed Luke with every inch of his being. He loved Luke - there, he admitted it, and it was pathetically cruel of life that he knew all this after Luke was gone. He might be slowly forgetting Luke, but Alex was determined to keep his memories as much as he could. He wrote a journal, trying his best to recall the times he had with Luke. And he would scream in frustration or weep when he realized in that too he was fast forgetting Luke. He couldn't remember much, and soon, he wouldn't even remember anything about Luke. On the last day he was to be in New York, Alex made a wish and tossed a coin into the faux wishing well in the fun fair event at the very same high school he and Luke did - what, exactly? He only knew he and Luke had been here and they had some good times here. He wished he could remember. No, he wished he and Luke would have a second chance at making this work. He also wished Luke's boss, whoever that motherfucker was, would go to hell and rot there. Of course Luke didn't appear to stand before him, smiling to say that, hey ho, the wish worked. What did Alex expect? He saw Luke in every tall, dark-haired man he met, only to be disappointed when he realized they were never Luke. Maybe forgetting was a blessing. He didn't see where he was going when he barged into someone in the crowd. Hands steadied him. Alex looked up into the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen. "Guess what I found out? I was wrong about the absolutes. The boss didn't exactly approve about us, but you wished me back so hard, and he is always fond of you people, I have no idea why." Luke. "Hey, it's me. I'm back. You called me back. I'm sorry I can't come back earlier, but the red tape is horrible. Anyway, you don't look too happy to see me." "I'm in shock," Alex managed to say. "Wait until you see the life I managed to wrangle out from the department. I have a social security number and I even have a degree from some university. All I need a job and - Alex, marry me?" Alex looked at Luke, reliving now how Luke looked like, how he made Alex laugh and think, and how he made Alex feel. "What took you so long?" he finally asked.