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   WARNING!

   This text file contains sexually explicit material.  If you do not wish
to read this type of literature, or you are under age Eighteen, PLEASE
DELETE THIS FILE NOW!!!!

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   The author may be contacted by sending email to:
amaranta_fiore@yahoo.com

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Trust Author: Amaranta Fiore

   Trust is the foundation of every relationship, or so they say.  I
believe it, because the most important relationships of our lives are based
on trust.  I think of how vulnerable we are when we sleep in the presence
of another human being-- the trust that is implied in sleep and in
"sleeping with" someone.  I believe that our feelings of love grow out of a
trust and acceptance between people.  I believe that love and sex are
enhanced by a relationship in which we are comfortable enough to trust our
partners with our most vulnerable selves-- not just physical vulnerability,
but the emotional and psychological peeling away to the core being embodied
in our sexual desires.

   I think of a time, not long ago, when I felt such joy and love in orgasm
that I cried from the pleasure of the physical feeling.  But underneath
that physical pleasure was an eruption of love for my partner of which I
was certain in my mind but which I don't often allow myself to feel with
all of my self, mind, body and soul.  I felt laid open.  The strength of
emotion in those moments made me feel so exposed.  Yet I was safe, because
my partner had my trust, and that trust was not unfounded.

   My partner was concerned that he had hurt me when he realized I was
crying.  He stopped, his erection diminishing.  I explained, and he cradled
my head so tenderly that I couldn't stop the tears, though I did not feel
sad.  His physical concern for me made the expression of my tears all the
more justified.  This man I love held me-- body, soul and mind-- totally
open to him in that moment.  I knew again why I loved him: he loved me in
return.  In those moments, I knew this little closed ecosystem we had
between us was in perfect harmony.

   It isn't hard to think back to a time when I did not know this union.  I
remember what it was like as a young woman.  In high school and in college,
it was pretty much the same.  I was closed to most people around me.  I
don't mean that I was a loner.  No, I was always very friendly and fun to
be with.  But when you are a "big girl" whose goal in life is to sing
opera, it can be hard to be approachable.  So, for the years of my
undergraduate schooling, I had a loving, fun and delightfully catty group
of gay men who served as the men in my life.  Where do you find a date when
you go to clubs with gay men?  You don't.

   The thing that is hard to believe is that I dabbled with sex in high
school.  I experimented with one boy, and it scared the hell out of me.  He
was two years older, and I was a sophomore.  Thinking back, I think he was
pretty well endowed, because I was pretty intimidated by him and "it." In
spite of this, my hormones certainly got stirred up, and I really thought
about sex a lot.  I had some experiences with this boy that I dearly missed
in the years that followed, in which I had no sexual contact.  I learned
that I liked cunnilingus, and that I could "touch it", but I was too scared
to "kiss it" back.  I wish now that I had, but my husband is glad that he
got to open that part of my Pandora's box.

   Life went on, with the hormones bubbling and my terrible Southern
Baptist upbringing pushing guilt down my throat.  I masturbated and
fantasized, and then one day discovered a part of the bookstore with
anthologies, and found a not-so-innocent anthology, entitled "The Best
American Erotica." It was a revelation.  I was so frightened to go to the
counter and buy that book!  I was 21 years old and afraid.  But, I did it,
and God ...I loved that book!  Two years later, I found a young man who was
a handsome, slightly awkward engineer who pushed all the right buttons.  He
knew the meaning of the word "chanteuse", knew how to play the piano, loved
to hear me sing, loved that I was a geek too, and especially loved that my
bottom was shapely like the girls in those 1940s Busby Berkeley movies.  I
was enthralled being around him.  He was gentle, soft-spoken and a bit
nervous, but handsome, tall and lean.  He offered to rub my back and I
eagerly accepted.  And I enjoyed that back rub so much, I bolted right up
in bed and kissed him.  I caught him totally off guard!  He was stunned for
a moment, and then he kissed me back.  Those few seconds of surprised
hesitation made my heart leap.  I was so afraid that he would reject me. 
It made no sense that he would, since he was there, having offered to touch
me, but still I was nervous about being rejected.  He could have crushed my
growing libido in that moment, but it didn't happen that way.

   I think time stretched out for me over that spring and summer.  I look
back now at my old school calendar and see that it was one month from our
first date that I lost my virginity, but it had seemed so much longer.  A
week after our first date, we had our first sexual encounter, my favorite,
cunnilingus.  I came so hard...  three or four times.  God, I missed this,
what had I been waiting for?  I know now it might have been similar with
another beau, but this was special because he was just as unsure as I was,
just as interested in me as I was in him, and he wanted to be careful.  I
liked him too much.  I was infatuated, but I could tell there was more to
this guy that I wanted to know and maybe love.  He tells me now that he
didn't want to scare me away.  He had been searching for a girl like me for
a long time and didn't want to screw up.

   That first time, intercourse was scary, but so wonderful.  It hurt a
little but as soon as it was over I wanted to do it again.  I was so giddy
that I called my best friend and he thought at first that I had broken off
my little romance.  I was so tongue-tied I had trouble telling my friend,
but once I did he laughed.  My friend and his boyfriend continue to tease
me about that phone call, but it was wonderful to share it with people who
cared about me.

   Exploring sex with a partner is a liberating thing.  I am safe in this
relationship to examine what makes me sexual.  What makes me aroused?  What
toys, positions, and arrangements are most enjoyable?  What play with my
partner is most enjoyable?

   My partner's trust in me gives me the freedom I need to write and talk
about sex and not feel the old church guilt of my childhood.  I've had
adventures I never would have dreamed about before I met him.  Trust, like
love, is something we grow into with the passing of time.  So far, it has
been a sweet journey.