The Passion of Erika Christensen
Chapter 1: Opening Moves
an erotic tale by AchtungNight.

Celebs: Erika Christensen.
Codes: MF, oral, first, reluc, cons.

Disclaimer: This story contains graphic sexual situations and
adult themes and is therefore not suitable for those under age 18
or the close-minded. It may be illegal in some areas too. :(
Please also note that it is not a true story, instead merely a
fantasy. Real events may be referenced and real names,
likenesses, and other personal details of celebrities and other
real people may be part of the story- however they are used in a
fictional manner styled to the author's liking that may be
satirical at times. The author has never met any of the
celebrities used herein, so he has no way of knowing if they
really act the way they do in the story, and is confident that
they probably don't. One hopes that these facts do not keep you,
the reader, from enjoying the story.

Acknowledgements: Thanks as usual to all who have aided in the
creation of this story, even those who have done so without
knowing it. Thanks also to those who maintain sites for stories
like this, and to all those who write them, read them, and
otherwise keep them alive. Thanks especially goes out to those
who have sent this author feedback. If after reading this story
you desire to do the same, please email feedback to me at the
address in my profile (DougElder21@yahoo.com). All feedback, with
the exception of flames and spam, will be answered and
appreciated. I hope you like this story. If not, please tell me
why you didn't so I may learn of my mistakes.

Copyright: This story is my creation. All other stories which are
referenced or otherwise paid homage herein belong to their
respective creators. This story may be posted anywhere on the
Internet that is free to access and has my permission- please
email me for such. The inclusion of this disclaimer and proper
credit will be all that I ask.

Notes: This tale is the beginning of a series. It picks up
shortly after the end of my previous Erika story "The
Rendezvous." It is not necessary to read that story to get
everything in this prequel/continuation, but if you want to, go
ahead. :) Special thanks to those who gave me inspiration and
editing help on this. One last quick comment- the spiritual
aspects of this story are in there because of the themes and
characters. They're not meant to offend anyone. I really hope
they don't. Enjoy reading. -AN

*******************************************
The Passion of Erika Christensen
Chapter 1: Opening Moves
Fall 2003. London, England.

The room's door opened and four beautiful girls walked out. All
looked breathless and somewhat disheveled, even though their
bodies showed evidence of recent showers. One was a tall elegant
redhead dressed in a gown that matched her curls. The second was
a tanned brunette in a green dress of similar cut. Then there was
a young blonde in purple, her creamy skin shining in the hallway
lights. Finally there came another lush young woman dressed in
blue, her hair red-gold and falling about her shoulders. They
smiled at each other as they headed through the hall, not saying
much now. Many words and emotions had been exchanged between them
throughout the day, but now such things were unnecessary. Their
friendship had been cemented, and they were ready to go back to
their ordinary lives.

If, Erika Christensen thought to herself as she brought up the
rear, the lives of women such as us can ever be called ordinary.

The four were not everyday people. They were celebrities- young
Hollywood actresses. Recently they had been cast in the same
movie, which they would soon begin filming. All had gained much
attention from fans and critics so far in their careers, and
surely more was ahead. This is the life we signed up for, Erika
thought. Ever since I was a child, I've known I wanted this life.
It's been worth everything- all the committment, all the hard
work, all the troubles that have come along. I've done great up
to this point, and I'm going to keep on doing great. This is the
life I was given, the life I've built, and I will live it.

"Erika, are you alright?" a voice asked her. She looked up and
smiled at her old friend Alicia Witt. The redhead was frowning,
looking down at her. Big things happened for you today, Lish,
Erika thought. I'm not surprised you're still worried about them.
Oh well, you seem more at peace now, and that's good enough for
me as long as it remains.

"I was just thinking." Erika glanced back at the room they'd just
left and sighed. "It was an amazing day today."

"Yeah," Evan Rachel Wood agreed. "I had a lot of fun. More's
ahead- right, Keri?"

"Sure," Keri Russell said, running a hand through her brown
locks. Of all the girls, she looked the most tuckered out. You've
been through more today than any of us, Keri, Erika regarded her.
We surprised you so much in the process of becoming your friends.
Which reminds me...

"Keri, I owe you another apology."

"What?" Keri blinked. She stopped short and looked back at Erika,
Alicia and Evan at her sides.

"I'm not really the crazy person you thought I was," Erika
smirked. "I've been acting that way to have some fun with you.
It's time to stop now. I'm sorry."

Keri stared at her. "Uh... you mean you're not..." She looked
back at the room they'd just left, her voice catching in her
throat.

"No, not that," Erika laughed. "The other thing. You know, the
misconception you had about me?" She glanced at Evan. "Both of
you. You assigned me a role, and I took it. I think I may have
overplayed it a bit, though. What do you think?"

"You did just fine," Evan said.

Keri still looked confused. "You mean you're not really a
Scien..."

"I am," Erika cut in. "I just follow the philosophy, though. I
agree that the mythology's a little out there. Of course, when
your religion's founder was a great science-fiction writer..."

"We get it," Keri said. "And we're sorry too. Right?" She looked
at Evan, who nodded, a smile still on her lips.

"I helped her kid you a little," Alicia said. "I've seen her do
it before. It's fun to play along." She sighed. "I guess I owe
you both an apology too. I kept some things concealed. I wasn't
expecting what happened between us. I wasn't even sure I wanted
it." She looked back towards the room. "And now..."

"Enough," said Keri. "We've had enough apologies and debates
today. We've ironed them all out several times over already.
Let's just move on. Okay?"

"Okay," said Erika. She smiled at the other girls, then resumed
walking. Her friends followed along. Phew, Erika thought. I was
worried. We've had so many problems today, all over nothing. It
took us forever to put them aside. Now that we're done, I'm glad
we're friends. It better stay like that.

"So, Erika, how'd you meet Alicia anyway?" Evan asked as they
rounded the corner. "I know you've known her for a while, and
that what just happened between you never happened before, but
how'd it start?"

"Thereby hangs a tale," Alicia replied.

***
Winter 2001. Los Angeles, CA.

"It's good to see you again, Erika."

"You as well, Tom. How's your family?"

"Just fine. And yours?"

"Great." Erika bit back a sigh. Tom Cruise was a longtime
acquaintance of her family, and had given her a lot of good
career advice. She liked the man, as an actor and a friend. They
had become estranged recently, however, and Cruise was still not
interested in resolution. Erika could see this in his expression
and tone.

"We need to talk," the great actor said, taking Erika's arm and
pulling her aside.

"The movie was good," Erika told him, frowning as she looked
about for the press. She had just walked out of the Hollywood
premiere of Vanilla Sky, a psychological thriller in which Cruise
had starred. She had enjoyed it, even though the pace and imagery
had overwhelmed her a bit. Hopefully I'll get the chance to be in
a film like that myself one day, she'd thought. All my life I've
watched great meaningful stories on screen, wanted to be in them.
This film had such a story and nice performances by Penelope Cruz
and Cameron Diaz. I wish I could have been part of it too. "I
really liked it."

"Thank you," Cruise said, dropping her arm and glancing around.
He nodded when he saw none of the crowd appeared to be paying
them any attention, then turned back to Erika. "You're wasting
your talent."

Erika threw up her hands. "We are not going to talk about this
again."

"No, Erika, you know I'm right. You did great in Traffic, you
really wowed them. And now you're going right back to wasting
your time with small roles, TV shows, bad independent films..."

"I like these roles, Tom! They're important to me. And I'm going
to get praised again. You'll see. I just auditioned for the next
Fatal Attraction. Geena thinks she can get me into Susan
Sarandon's next film. And then there's Home Room. Please tell me
you've heard about Home Room."

"Yeah," Cruise grimaced. "I've heard about that one. You're
playing a teenage shooting victim. You prepared for the role by
going around talking to people in Columbine and Jonesboro,
exposing yourself to Nazi science and views that aren't ours.
Just like before, when you were on Nothing Sacred. Damn it,
Erika, don't you know how dangerous..."

"It's not dangerous, Tom! It can help people if done the right
way. It really can. If you'd just talk to some of the people I
have, think about it..." She took a breath. "You'd really be
amazed. Our way is great, yes, but it's not the only way to
explain life, to get used to and find meaning in it. It doesn't
work for everyone."

"That's another thing. Why won't you join me in promoting
Scientology? You need to. People pay attention to you- young
people."

"Tom, I don't find it necessary to go around grandstanding our
philosophy to the public. My own life and career are hard enough
to manage without adding the evangelism you're planning. People
see things differently. We can't change that. Nor do we need to.
We're all human, Tom. I think if I just live what I believe and
let other people believe what they want, instead of insisting to
everyone that my philosophy is the only truth and then getting
cranky when they don't go along as I expect... well, it just
seems more respectful."

"Respect." Cruise shook his head. "We gave you this life, Erika.
You were raised in Scientology's proud tradition. You wouldn't be
where you are now without our help."

"Don't think I'm not grateful," Erika said. "Believe me, I will
endorse Scientology whenever the media asks me about it. I've
been doing that. I believe in the philosophy. I follow it. I just
don't think it's the only good way there is. The others are good
too."

"We have a duty, Erika. We are artists, and we have this
tradition. We must spread it above all else." Cruise glared down
at her from his lifts. "You're either with us or against us."

Erika paused, looking back at him. "Then I am against you," she
said after a blink and a shrug.

The two of them stared at each other, Cruise agape and Erika
looking hesitant yet firm. Oddly, very few people around them had
even noticed the exchange. One tall redheaded girl had, though,
and she was smiling despite herself. "Tom," she spoke.

Cruise turned, raising an eyebrow. "Um..."

"Hey," Alicia Witt smiled at her Vanilla Sky co-star. "Who's your
friend?"

***
Fall 2003. London, England.

"Oh my gosh!" Keri stared at Erika agape. "You told off Tom
Cruise? Tom Cruise?"

Erika nodded. "It just came out. I was a little surprised myself.
But I had to say something."

Evan grinned. "Have you always been this rebellious? I heard you
were a good girl."

"I am a good girl," Erika said. "I just like to go to extremes
sometimes, explore what I can do. That's what life is about, not
to mention acting. I've always tried to live that way, all my
life." She smiled back at Evan.

"And that was how we met," said Alicia. "I liked Erika at once. I
could tell she was someone really inspiring, right about a lot of
things. The fact that the pompous egomaniac I'd just done a film
with couldn't see it... it added flavor. Tom is a good actor and
a good man, but he really needs to get over himself."

"Sounds like it," agreed Evan. "Who did he think he was, telling
you all that stuff?"

"Tom and I have very different lives," Erika said. "His family
wasn't loving. Mine is. When he got into acting he got into a lot
of big films quickly, while I've had to work hard for every role
I've had. I'm sure he has too, but it's just not the same. We're
not the same sort of people. But because we share the same
religion, people think we are." She sighed. "Tom and I warmed up
to each other a few months after that premiere. He saw Home Room
and liked it, and we agreed to disagree on the rest. He calms
down and wises up when he needs to, I'll give him that. And he
does rebel against the things that confine him- on screen at
least."

"I'd like to work with him someday," said Keri. "Maybe if I read
up on your religion so I could get to know him better..." She
paused, biting her lip.

Alicia and Erika exchanged smirks. "Tom quickly calmed down and
introduced us," Alicia said. "We got to talking about the film
and our careers. One thing led to another, and now here we are.
Erika and I have been close friends since then- as close as two
people can be in Hollywood, anyway. You know how it is. Our
careers keeping us apart, all our differences. I knew about her
lifestyle as she developed it, but I never got directly involved.
Not until now."

"Yeah," Erika laughed. "We just fixed that. About time, don't you
think?" Alicia smiled wistfully, then nodded her head. Erika
grinned at her. "So, we kept you in the dark most of today. We're
sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," said Evan. "It was our fault as
much as yours."

"Yeah," Keri agreed. They were silent for a moment as they
approached the stairs at the end of the hall. A watchful doorman
nodded and waved them on. Keri glanced at the clock above him
worriedly. "Is the club still open?"

"Inside Out stays open 24/7," Alicia said. "You never know who
will stop in, or when. It's part of the place's charm. I was
walking around Soho a few weeks after I moved to town, and there
it was. I was glad to find it. I know I won't be living here
forever, but as long as I do, I'll keep coming back."

"I will too," Evan said, then frowned. "We will keep doing what
we just did, right? You won't go crazy on us again?"

Alicia smiled, glancing at Erika. Again the two exchanged knowing
looks. "I'll do my best. I've just been fighting my interest in
this for the longest time. And now I finally don't want to,
but..." She trailed off, shaking her head.

Erika beamed at her. "It's like anything else in life. You just
need to see it the right way. You manage it properly, you learn
to enjoy it, it rocks. You don't, then..." She shrugged as they
walked back into the club's main room. Keri, Alicia, and Evan
nodded, thinking over Erika's words. Erika shook her head and
looked around them. Inside Out was still pretty crowded, even for
the early morning. People of all kinds were moving about on the
dance floor that looked like a city street or talking in small
groups near the seeming outdoor cafe that served as the bar. The
club's manager, still behind the counter, looked up from his
customers and waved hello.

"I'll go settle our bill," Alicia told the others. She walked
towards the bar, heels clicking. Evan nervously scanned the
crowd.

"You worried about that jerk?" Keri asked her.

"Don't be," Erika said. "Clarke never forgets a face, and he'll
tell the other staff. Once someone's out of here, they stay gone.
I've seen people get tossed out before. Never because of
something they did to me until now, but..."

"It's not him," Evan interrupted. "I'm looking for the other guy
we met. Jamie. You didn't think I'd forget about him?"

Erika smiled, recalling the young man who Evan had connected with
earlier in the night. "I'm sorry I came between you," she told
Evan again. "We had a situation."

"Yeah," Evan nodded. "It's over now, though, and I want to see
him again. You said you see him in here a lot. Are there regular
times?"

"I don't really know him," Erika shrugged. "I saw the movie you
mentioned, Billy Elliot, and I agree he's a good actor, but we've
never spoken. I haven't even been here that long. I auditioned
for our movie in LA, and then I flew here for the filming, and...
well, you know the rest."

"Do you think he would be okay with me being into girls?" Evan
asked. "I know I probably shouldn't be asking, neither of us know
him, but I just have to know. I have to see him again. That
bartender said I would."

Erika grinned. "Doug was just saying that to make you feel good.
He might be right, though. We'll see."

Keri grimaced, watching the bartender as he talked with Alicia.
"Do you know him well?"

"Some," Erika replied. "Alicia and I have chatted with Doug
almost every night we've been here. He's a big fan of ours. He's
not really from London or Hollywood, but he knows a lot about
both places. He's a very interesting guy."

Keri raised an eyebrow at the look on her face. "Have you...?"

Erika shook her head. "I might someday, though. He is cute."

"What about Jamie?" Evan asked. "You said he was too young for
you, but if I get to know him and..."

"You want a threesome, just let me know," Erika cut in, guessing
her thoughts. "But you might not want to take things too quickly.
The relationships in my life don't usually happen as fast as
everything today did. I've learned to be careful when they do. I
don't want to get hurt again."

Keri frowned. "What do you mean? You told us a little about your
past relationships, and you sounded pleased with most of them."

"Not all," Erika said. "I haven't been into the lifestyle that
long- I am only twenty-one- but I know how things can go if you
aren't careful."

"Yeah, of course," Evan said. "If you get involved with the wrong
person..." She sighed. "You must have lived through many
interesting relationships, though. That Rosenbaum guy, Geena,
what you did when you made Swimfan..."

"I exgaggerated that last one a little," Erika cut her off. "Just
to get your attention. You seemed so desperate to get close to
us."

Evan blushed. She glanced at Keri, who rolled her eyes at Erika,
choking back a laugh. "Oh," Evan said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," replied Erika. "It worked out great. Really, Jesse
and I just made out in that scene while John directed us. We
didn't take things any farther than you saw in the movie. We did
retake it a lot, though- we had to rehearse in private to get the
emotions right. And when that happened..."

"You really did get with him?" Keri asked her. "You weren't lying
to us about that?"

"Of course I got with him," Erika said. "Shiri and Jason too. It
was my first relationship with multiple co-stars. I wonder how
this one will compare." She sighed, turning to face Alicia as she
walked back to them. "Were we in there too long? I didn't look at
the time till we got out."

Alicia shrugged. "Doug said it was on the house. On account of it
being their first time here." She nodded at Evan and Keri. "He
also said he called a cab for us when he heard were headed down.
They're waiting outside."

Erika flashed the bartender a smile of thanks. He nodded back,
then returned to serving his customers. He thinks of everything,
Erika said to herself. Such a great guy. If I could spend more
time with him and get to know him... no, forget it, Erika. You
have enough going on in your life right now as it is.

She turned back to her friends and waved at the club door. "Let's
get going. I'm tired."

"Me too," Keri agreed with a sigh.

"Erika?" Evan said as they headed for the door. Erika gave her a
questioning look. "Just how did you get into swinging? You told
us a lot before, but now that you say you've been
exgaggerating..."

Should have waited longer to do this, Erika thought. Damn it. "I
didn't lie to you," she told Evan. "I just summarized, and left
out things that weren't important to the moment. You have to
understand- you're not born into this. It has to develop in you.
The way it did in me might be typical for some, but..." She
sighed. "It's been a long road, and it keeps going. It's worth
it, though. I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm
supposed to be doing."

"You ought to tell us more about it," Keri said. "I'm sure you
have some great stories."

"She does," Alicia agreed. "I know some of them."

"Not all, though. Even I can't recall all the details." Erika
sighed as they headed through the door. Clarke, the club's
hulking black bouncer, nodded at them, then indicated a cab
parked at the curb. Sun's almost here, Erika noted, looking at
the gray sky. The crowd's gone away, except for a few people.
God, I need some sleep. "It's like any set of memories. You
recall an overview more than anything, except when it comes to
the most important points. And even with those..."

"You should tell us more about what shaped you," said Evan. "For
someone who's just starting out in this, who wants to get
involved, it might help."

Erika frowned. "I thought your parents were..."

"They are," Evan said. "But they've never told me much about it
other than the basic facts. They said I had to find my own way.
I'm doing well so far, I think, but if I could find a teacher
like you found Geena..."

Erika grinned, seeing what her new friend was getting at. Then
she took a breath. "There's just so much that's happened, so much
I've done. I have trouble keeping track of it sometimes. You have
to follow the progression to fully understand it, and even
then... It was all cool, though. I know that."

"We understand if you're not ready to talk," said Keri. "Just
please do tell us sometime."

"I will," Erika promised, looking at the cab. She smiled in
recognition at the driver as he opened the door for them. "Hey,
Frank. Nice to see you again."

"You as well," Frank Martin replied. He then walked around the
cab and got back behind the wheel. "Where can I take you?"

The actresses piled into the backseat, huddling close. Alicia
slammed the cab door, then gave their destination. They looked at
each other again as the driver headed off, giving each other
pleased expressions and trying to hide their fatigue. It's been a
long night, Erika thought. It's good that we're spending the rest
of it and today together. We'll have to be careful again starting
tomorrow, though. Our director can't know about this. Dane's also
coming in tonight, and if he finds out... no, he can keep a
secret, Erika. You know that. Don't worry. Your little brother
may be a dweeb sometimes, but he's a good guy. You shouldn't tell
him about this, but if he finds out- and he might, since you're
all in the same movie- just play it safe. It'll be alright. He
already knows a few things about your relationships anyway.

Not everything, though, Erika added to herself. I've never told
anyone everything. There's still so much I don't fully
understand, even though I've lived through it. So much has
shocked me, swept over me so fast and hard. I'm not sure I could
put it into words, not the way Evan wants me to. I could try, but
it wouldn't be easy. Not that anything ever really is.

To make any sense of it all, I would need to go back three years.
Back to the night it all started...

***
Winter 2000. Los Angeles, CA.

"I want to have sex," the young man on the movie screen said,
"and then do a hit as we're both cumming."

The young girl facing him shrugged. "Okay." She reached out and
took the offered pipe. Among the audience watching the film, a
girl who was and was not the girl on screen clenched her teeth as
she looked on.

Stop, Erika Christensen reminded herself. You know how this plays
out. You read the script so many times, and you acted it too. You
just got through playing Caroline's part a month ago. You know
she gets what she deserves, and that jerk up there with her does
too. You shouldn't be so worried.

But I am, she told herself, looking down at her body and then up
at Caroline's as her character shared a smoke with the young man
and then fell back on the bed, the screen going dark blue as he
moved in. They kissed and shook a bit, then it faded out.

We never really touched each other, Erika reminded herself. It
seems graphic, but it's not. None of it's real. It was all just
acting. I never felt anything for Topher- I've never liked people
who insist on going by weird names and he's too full of himself
for someone so young in the business. Caroline of course didn't
feel anything for his character either. She only wanted the
drugs. Nothing else was in her mind. I feel such pity towards
her, such anger. I want to reach out to her, yell at her to stop
what she's doing, to... I guess I really acted her part well.

She looked at her parents, who were sitting beside her at the
test screening. Both looked even more surprised than she was by
her performance. Her father's hands were tight on the arms of his
seat, his face trying to keep emotion locked in. He looks just
like Michael Douglas will a few scenes later, Erika thought. And
Mom's worse. She's been dabbing at her eyes every time I've come
on, just as she is now. I wanted people to feel this way, but...
Stop it, Erika. You did great. You put yourself aside and lived
the role, just as you always knew you could. You defied so many
people's expectations of you when you played Caroline. Your
parents didn't want you to do it, but you knew you had to. You
convinced them, Steven Soderbergh helped. This film is going to
be so important, it has such social value, it's going to win so
many awards, do so well. It's....

She shook her head and looked over towards the film's director.
Steven Soderbergh was sitting a few rows away, wearing a proud
contented look. That's how I should be feeling, Erika thought. I
worked as hard on this film as he did, we all did, and now it's
done. I hope it's going to win awards, even though I never expect
them. It was so tough stepping into Caroline's part, forgetting
about who I was and playing the roles of the addicts I met and
talked to about this. I did a truly daring thing for the first
time with this role- yes, I've acted a lot and even flirted with
crime on screen a bit, but never like this. I've never gone to
these extremes before. These are my first lovescenes too- and I
did them at such a young age. I did so much in this role I've
never done. I did drugs, even though I've never touched a
cigarette. I had sex, when in real life I've only kissed guys so
far. I needed my parents' consent for the role- if I had been
able to wait just a few months, I wouldn't have had to get it,
but this script came when it did. We argued so much over it, I
was so glad when they finally agreed to let me do it, but now I
just feel... nothing.

No, she snapped at herself, you do feel something. You sympathize
with Caroline, you were her. You put it all across- every emotion
you got to know from the people talked to about the role- and now
it's done. Look at yourself. You did great!

Then why do I feel this way? Erika thought. Why do I feel so
lost?

It's Caroline's attraction, she answered herself, still thinking
about her character even though it was no longer on screen. You
can't help but feel drawn to her, even though she's making so
many mistakes. That's what your parents are worried about, what
everyone's worried about when it comes to drugs. You know better
than to get involved with them for real- they know that. You
handled the part of an addict well and might do it again someday,
but you'll keep it confined to screen. Still, though... I almost
want Caroline's crutches. I almost want to do what she's doing to
get over the bad things in my life. The disappointment, the
angst, the fear. I can't, I know I shouldn't, I saw so much pain
in the addicts I talked to about this role, but still...

She pushed her thoughts away and smiled as Benicio del Toro's
character came on. Such a great actor, Erika thought, and a
handsome man. Too bad we never shared the stage together. I got
to talk to him a lot during production, though. We became
friends. Maybe now that I'm eighteen, and I've moved out on my
own, we could... Stop it, Erika. He's fifteen years older than
you. Benicio's also not interested in you, he never showed you a
hint that he was. Still... she looked around for Benicio, but
couldn't find him in the dark theater. Stop it, she ordered
herself. Just calm down and watch the movie.

Taking her own command, she settled back in her seat, trying to
smile as the film went on. It was hard, though. Caroline's done
so much I haven't done, Erika thought. She was able to, where I
haven't been. I'm not her, I don't want to be her, but... Again
she looked at her parents, reminding herself they'd stood by her
all throughout the filming, just as they had through her career
so far and would continue to. Even if she someday made them feel
worse than they did now. She looked past them to her brothers
Nick, Brando, and Dane. All were riveted in their seats, a
mixture of pride and fear on their faces. These are my family,
Erika thought. I love them, and they love me. Because of them, I
will never become like Caroline, never fall into her trap. I'm
glad I have them, and that they let me show others what can
happen if you don't. I can't be Caroline, I'm so disappointed in
her, our lives are so different, but...

I know what I have to do now, Erika told herself. This role's
shown me things I've been struggling with all my life. I won't
seek the shelter Caroline does from such things- I can't- but I
will get what I want from life. I must. I've already begun
planning it. And soon...

She smiled at her family. Thank you, she thought towards them.
Thank you for bringing me to this moment. I'm glad we've come
this far, that you've helped me so much. I'm also glad I won't
need your permission to do what I have to next.

***

"I want to have sex."

"What?"

"I want to have sex," Erika repeated, smiling at the young
darkhaired man sitting next to her on the couch. Mark Matthews
was from her neighborhood. She'd known him growing up and they'd
always been friends even though she'd been home-schooled while
he'd attended St. Anthony's. They often spent time with each
other, and had gone out together several times in the past few
years. It wasn't hard making this decison, Erika grinned as she
thought back. Mark's cute, smart, and nice, and I know he likes
me. He's well-read, just like I am. I know he'll know what to do
here. We've come close to it before, and we're ready. I planned
this whole thing out, came over to his house on a rainy Saturday
night when his parents were out of town after I cleared my
schedule. I've been eighteen almost three months now, and he just
turned eighteen two days ago. This is his present, and mine too.
I know I want it. I must have it.

"Why?" Mark asked, pushing up his thin glasses as he looked at
her and frowned. "I've never put pressure on you, you know that.
There's so much else in our lives, and we don't need to..."

"I had sex onscreen," Erika cut him off. She'd already thought
this through in her mind. He could not protest now. "It was fake,
and done for the wrong reasons. I didn't like it."

Mark stared at her. "And you think if you have real sex," he said
after a moment, "and it's good, it will make that go away?"

"No," she shook her head. "It will lessen it a bit, though, and
that's what I want. You have to understand, Mark. All my life
I've been told to stay true to myself, flow and live. I want to
do that, but the way my life has gone..." She searched for a
metaphor to illustrate her thoughts to him. "You know that poem
you wrote the essay on last year? The one you read to me? 'Things
fall apart, the center cannot hold?' That's me right now." She
sighed. "My world is crashing in on me, changing, and it's about
to get worse. I've just moved out on my own, just had my first
big movie. People are going to be looking at me soon, in a way
they never have before. I have to look at myself in a new way
too. I have to manage my life by myself now. My life, my career,
and this."

"I thought we were going to break up," Mark said. "We haven't
seen each other in so long- you got out of school early to act
full-time, and then you went away to film Traffic. We split. And
now you've come back, and you want to..."

"Yes," Erika replied. "Traffic was great. The test screening was
Thursday, it went well. I did good, but now that it's over, I
just feel so..." She gasped and shook her head, at last letting
all she felt from being Caroline wash over her. She collapsed
into Mark, sobbing against his chest.

"It's okay," Mark consoled her, patting her shoulder. He leaned
down and sniffed her hair, biting his lip. "I've heard about the
film, Erika. You let me read part of the script. I haven't seen
it yet, I won't till it's out, but I can guess what you're
feeling. I read Go Ask Alice. I know what addiction's like, how
living it can make you feel."

Good, Erika thought, it's working. She ran her hand over Mark's
chest, looking up at him. "You know how I've told you I want to
be a great actress?"

"You are a great actress."

She smiled. "Thanks. I know I can be. It's just that I've done so
much on screen I haven't for real and..."

"Erika, stop it. You're not going to take drugs. You can't!
It's..."

"I know that, Mark!" Erika interrupted him again. "But the other
thing Caroline did that I haven't- I need to have that. I'm ready
for it. I'm free now. Please."

He looked her up and down, then sighed. "Erika, I don't know
about this. You're out of school, I'm not. This is my senior
year. If the wrong thing happens to me..."

"I have protection. A friend at Narconon gave me the pill."

Mark looked relieved, then shook his head. "That's good, but...
we can't."

"Why not?" Erika pulled back from him, keeping her hands on his
shoulders and looking into his blue eyes with hers. "We're both
old enough. We both want this. What's your problem?"

Her boyfriend stared at her, his lips tight. After a few seconds
he spoke. "It's my first time, too. I know you told me when you
went away to film Traffic that I could see other people, and I
have, but I've never gotten close to any of them. It's always
been you, Erika. And now..."

Erika put a finger to his lips. "I get it, Mark," she said. She
had anticipated this too, been hoping for it. "Don't worry, we'll
do fine. I've read up on this, so have you. We've both fantasized
about it."

"But we've never done it." He gaped at her. "Never even gotten
close. How far do you want to take this? Do you want to get
married? Or..."

"No, Mark," Erika said. "We're too young, we have too much other
stuff going on in our lives. I know you might want to, and we
could, but..."

"It's okay," Mark said, clasping her arm. He looked her over
again, then nodded. "Whatever you want. It's just... are you sure
about this? Are you really sure?"

"Yes," Erika answered. Why do you always have to overthink
everything? she added silently. Why can't you just take
opportunities as they come? I'm giving you one right now! Take
it! "Please, Mark. Touch me."

He opened his mouth to say something else, but she leaned in and
stopped him with a kiss. She took hold of his shoulder in the
same motion and squeezed it, adding insistence. This is just like
my lovescenes, Erika thought. The right words and motions lead to
the right reaction in the audience, the proper results. Except
this time it will be good. It will be real. I will not be empty
or afraid. I will be satisfied.

She broadcast all this to Mark with her eyes as she pulled back,
hoping he would drop his reluctance. If you don't, too bad, Erika
told herself. It will be your loss. I've been patient up until
now, put all thoughts of this aside or left them to fantasy. I
can keep doing that if I must, but I don't want to. Not any more.
Please, Mark, please... Her thoughts vanished as he smiled, then
pulled her close and kissed her back.

The touch was brief, but full of all the emotion that had always
been between them. Mark's lips met hers, Erika felt his touch,
then they moved apart. "You..." he began. She nodded and kissed
him again, pushing him down into the couch with the motions of
her body. She ran her fingers over his chest, squeezing at the
pressure points she found. They had made out a few times before,
and she used what she remembered. But we never went farther,
Erika thought. I was always afraid, and so were you. No more. She
smiled and shook against Mark as his arms encircled her, kissing
him again as he rubbed her back. Their mouths came open and they
breathed into each other. Erika then extended her tongue, licked
across his teeth. She pulled away from him and smiled, taking off
his glasses and putting them on the table beside the couch.

Mark looked her over intently, trying to imprint her in his mind.
You still have a problem with this even though it's happening,
Erika thought, recalling what Soderbergh had told her about
lovescenes. But you must put that aside for the emotions of the
moment. The moment is good. It is what you want. Live it. Assume
the role. Find some way to ease into it. Immerse yourself. Then,
when you're relaxed, you'll know what you need to do next.

I know, Erika thought, leaning down again. She kissed Mark once
more, pressing her palms into his chest. Your fantasy is
happening! she told him with her actions. You're about to fuck a
girl, at long last. And she's a girl you've known all your life,
who you like, who likes you. Not to mention a hot blonde with a
nice figure who's a movie star. Is this not what you want?

Mark's hands grabbed her shoulders and pushed her up and off him.
Damn it, no! Erika silently wailed. Then, as she opened her mouth
to voice protest, Mark grabbed her shirt and started to pull it
off. She smiled in relief, raising her arms and helping him. He
gasped as he looked at her breasts, already flushed from
anticipation. Her pink nipples were hard, pointing at him. "You
didn't wear..."

"No," Erika shook her head. "It would have gotten in the way."
She grinned and took hold of his shirt, smiling at him. Mark
eased up on the couch and raised his arms, nodding. She moved
back on him slightly and then pushed the garment up and over his
head, throwing it aside. She smiled again at the sight of his
chest. Mark was a good swimmer, like her. They had worked out
together many times. So often they had smiled at each other after
doing so, then hugged and kissed, and Erika had wanted to take
things further. But I didn't. We have different lives, I wanted
to keep us just friends, we're young. But now I can change
things, and I will. We will. She ran her hands over his bare
muscles and kissed his lips. Again her tongue came out and
touched his teeth. This time his rose up and met it. She licked
across it, breathing into him with her mouth.

His fingers moved on her as she did so, rubbing around her back
towards her breasts. You've wanted to touch them so many times,
Mark, Erika thought as they kissed. I know you have. Now you can.
Do it. He did, and she smiled. Yes. She knew the sensation of
fingers on her breasts, she always played with them when
masturbating, but his touch was different from her own. He pulled
hard, fumbling a little. Erika gritted her teeth, then gasped as
he moved on, finding the right spots. Good, she thought. You
learn fast. So do I. Let me show you.

She stopped kissing his lips and moved down, pecked him across
his chin and throat. She also moved her hands down along his
body, probing his chest and stomach. He smiled at her, silent
now, still rubbing her breasts. "Keep that up," Erika said,
laughing at him. I feel so good, she thought, moving down and
grabbing his belt. She placed her palm against his crotch and
felt his hard organ. She had seen its shape before, and felt it
against her, but never put a hand to it. Now she would. She
caressed it up and down through his jeans, regarding the apparent
length and girth. Good, she thought. I can handle this. It's not
too much for me. In some of the sex I've read about the man has a
really big prick. I thought about that, and I might like it, but
not for my first time. I need to ease into this. I'm still not
completely sure what to do.

I do know you'll like this, though, she thought. With that, she
grabbed his cock through his pants and squeezed it, putting a
predator's smile on her lips. Mark pulled hard on her nipples as
she did so, his fingers pressing into her flesh. Yes, Erika
beamed at him, that's it. You remember the poem I quoted, the one
we talked about? You called the beast in there terrible and
mysterious in your essay, you hated it but at the same time you
welcomed it. Its presence would resolve all the chaos in the
world, the conflict would be gone. And now here it is, slouching
forward, waking from stony sleep, and you can see it, touch it.
For so long, you've had doubts about sex, and so have I. We've
heard about it in school, read about it in books, but every time
we've gotten close to having it we've found ourselves lacking all
conviction. Now that's over. Now is the time for passionate
intensity. The hour has come round, at last! She squeezed his
organ again with her palm, blazing her thoughts to him with her
eyes, then moved her hands to his waist.

"Please," Mark implored her, smiling. His eyes were wide, his
lips bemused. Okay, Erika nodded, unfastening his belt. She moved
quickly, knowing his emotion was barely contained. Hers was
sparking too, growing inside her. It was magnificient, filling
her body and soul. She concentrated on another poem that
described it, trying to embrace it yet keep it at bay. Tyger,
Tyger, she thought, burning bright. In the forests of the
night... Mark squeezed her nipples as she began to pull down his
pants, and she let out a scream.

He stopped, staring at her. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," she said, leaning down and kissing him. Then she
pulled herself back up, tugged his pants over his hips. He nodded
and kicked his shoes off, moved his fingers back onto her
aureolae and pushed against them. He was gentler now, slower.
Good, Erika thought, that's better. Remember what this is. This
is our first time. We're going to learn so many things we've
never done before. Yes, this moment has been full of dread
terrors for us, things we could not clasp, but we've still longed
for it, wanted it. I have, and so have you. Then I performed it,
and it was bad. I knew I had to make it good. With you, I will. I
will make it good- for both of us.

Keeping those thoughts in mind, she pulled down his jeans. He
helped her, kicking off them and his shoes. Erika regarded the
hard organ thrusting up through his underwear, its head peeking
slightly out the side. There it is, she thought. There's the
fearful symmetry I have envisioned, that now I dare to touch. She
reached out and pushed her fingers against it, smiling as it
twitched. It's alive! She grabbed his underwear and pulled it
down.

His cock sprang out, its every aspect like her dreams. Hard and
flushed, warm like her skin. She flicked her fingers against it,
moving them back and forth rapidly. The organ felt odd in her
hand, yet good. Large, warm, and growing more so. Cocks are like
clits, she thought, recalling what she'd read, only a bit bigger.
Rub them the right way, you get the right reactions. Testing her
theory, she moved her hand up and down on his length, keeping her
other hand on his thigh and pressing hard. His hands slowed as
she did so, still rubbing her breasts but not as fast. He's
getting overwhelmed, Erika thought. Slow down. Distract him.

She moved her thumb and forefinger against his organ's head,
squeezing it between them and into her palm. Then she dropped her
hands from him and stood up. Mark frowned, then smiled as she
unbuttoned her pants and pushed them down, stepping out of her
sneakers in the same motion. She had not worn panties today
either, and her pussy was smiling, open, and red. Mark looked at
it, regarding her fertile triangle of blonde hair and engorged
lips. Erika felt her heart beat faster, echoing in her mind. An
ache was rising inside her, wet and rough. Soon, she told it,
holding it back. She kicked off her pants and sat back down on
the couch. She then turned and returned her attention to Mark,
grasping his organ again and holding it in her palm. She stroked
its length, keeping her eyes on him. Then she moaned as he
resumed touching her breasts. She wrapped her whole hand around
his cock and cradled it, pumping gently. He did the same with her
nipples, causing her to gasp.

His organ leapt in her hand, pulsating. She tickled it with her
fingers, moving along the length. She flashed fire at him with
her eyes, then pulled back, letting his hands drop off her
breasts. Mark frowned again, but Erika stopped his doubt once
more with a finger on his lips. "Trust me," she said, then
grabbed his cock hard in a fist. She moved down and kissed its
head, licked across it. The taste was odd, but she liked it. I
wanted this too, she thought. And I want to make sure I get it.
Ignoring the ache in her for the moment, and his unmoving hands,
she began. She licked at him with feathery touches, holding his
shaft in one hand and with the other cupping his balls. She
breathed into him, letting him vibrate against her tongue. Come
on, she thought. I've fantasized about this, I need to know what
it's like. I need it to be good for me.

Suddenly he shook, and it was. A strange fluid came spurting out
of his organ, staining her throat. Erika frowned, then smiled,
taking in the taste and smell of it. I like this, she appraised.
I was so worried I wouldn't, but I do. Good. She swallowed the
fluid down, holding Mark's organ tight as it kept shaking. She
kissed it one last time, then pulled back, dropped her hands, and
smiled. He smiled too, looking up at her in awe. You liked that,
Erika thought. Good. But we're not through yet.

She moved her body up against his, rubbing herself over him. Her
nipples flicked against his muscles, her hot groin pressing into
his thigh. The ache in there was throbbing, and Erika did not
need to touch herself to know her juice was starting to flood.
Okay, Erika thought, it's time. I'm ready for this. My period's
not for at least three weeks, and I took the pill just in case. I
know I want this, and I want it from you. It's time to have it
now, time to... She stopped, placing her groin against his and
realizing his organ was limp.

"Sorry," Mark said, frowning at her. He clasped his shoulders and
sighed. "I'm so sorry. I..."

"No," Erika told him, shaking her head. "It's okay." You've read
about this, she thought. You knew it could happen. You prepared
for this moment just as you do for all your roles. You know what
you have to do to make it right.

She moved up and down on him, kissing his lips and running her
fingers across his chest. She let her thighs and cunt rub against
his cock, coaxing him back to full hardness with her motions.
"You can't," Mark said. "I've tried. I've tried so many times.
It's not possible."

"Nothing's impossible," Erika snapped, kissing him and moving her
body. "Come on," she urged him. "You know what I want. Give it to
me. Don't stop, Mark. Not now. We've come this far, so come on.
Let's go further." She backed her words with motions, hoping
against hope.

Mark gritted his teeth and moved his hands across her back,
pulling her into him and rubbing wherever he could. He tangled
his fingers in her hair, sniffing at the blonde curls and tugging
on them. He caressed her back, her waist, her rear, then down
across the tops of her thighs. Good, Erika thought, pulling him
up and wrapping her legs around him. She squeezed his shoulders
with her hands, smiled as his hands came up and clasped her
breasts again. Come on, she thought, rubbing her body over his. I
don't have what I want yet. Give it to me. I need it. I ache for
it. I...

She smiled, feeling his organ leaping back up. Yes! You're
absorbing my radiance, my attention. You're going back to how I
want you. Now it's time for you to return my favor. Come on, come
on. She pushed him back into the couch cushions, tingling hard
against him. Then she lined up her opening with his shaft,
clenched her teeth, and pressed down.

Pain overwhelmed her instantly. I knew this was coming, she
thought. I prepared for it. I remember what to do. She reached up
and grabbed her ear, twisted it to the side, and pulled it on
hard. She closed her eyes and took in the sensation, trying to
control it. She thrust her other palm against his chest, finding
his heartbeat and concentrating on its rhythm and her own. Again
she recalled everything she'd read about this act, in romance
novels and other literature. This is good, she remembered. I want
this. It hurts me, but I like it. Pleasure comes with the pain.
Pleasure. His organ is an intruder in me, but it is welcome, as
welcome as my fingers have been before. I want it, I... She
smiled, feeling rapture echoing forth in her. Her body was
shaking, and she moaned. "Yes. Yes! Oh yes! Thank you! Ahh!!" She
erupted, screaming her joy.

"Erika!" Mark shouted, and she opened her eyes. "You're..." She
looked down at their joined bodies, the fluid flowing out of her,
and clenched her lips. Shit. The blood-dimmed tide is loosed...

"It's okay," she said. "I know how to clean it up. We'll be
fine."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I have to be." She punctuated her words by moving up
and down on him, longing to come again as she had before and make
him do likewise. We've each felt it once, she thought, and we can
do it again. I know we can. I can do whatever you want, be
whatever you desire. And you can be the same for me. I knew this
could be good, and you helped me. You made it good for me. Thank
you. Thank you so much.

***
Fall 2003. London, England.

"Erika?" a voice drew her back to the present. "What are you
thinking about?"

"Just stuff," she shrugged, turning and looking at Evan. "Nothing
much." She looked out the cab window and sighed, realizing how
much her thoughts had distracted her. They had traveled all the
way from Inside Out to the hotel while she reminisced, and she
had not spoken to Keri, Evan, or Alicia. She had said so much to
them today, they had gotten to be such good friends, they were
sitting so close together in the cab, and now in the silence...
is it over?

"You were thinking about what we did, right?" Alicia asked. "I'm
sorry. I'm sorry we didn't do that earlier. But it had to happen
as it did. You know that, right?"

"Yes," Erika nodded, smiling back at her friend as she thought
over all their times together. "Thank you. And you, Keri."

Keri said nothing, only smirked. Erika looked at her, then at
Evan, and beamed back at each girl. Then she frowned, recalling
their surroundings and the secret nature of their relationship.
She looked towards the cabdriver, who wore an indiscernible
expression. Frank's eyes blinked for a moment as he looked back
at them in the rearview mirror. Then he shook his head and
coughed. "We're here."

"Thanks, Frank," Alicia said, handing him a roll of pound notes.
"See you later." She opened the cab door and stepped out.

The other girls followed her, Erika bringing up the rear just as
before. Her memories echoed again in her mind, past and present.
This new relationship we've started will be good, she told
herself. Not like my first one. That didn't last long after the
first time we had sex, and I hated that. Mark wanted me, again,
but he didn't want to give me everything I wanted. He also
couldn't. I learned that the hard way. Our lives split us apart
again, as they had before. He kept on with school, and I went
back to my acting career. Our relationship lasted barely another
six weeks before he met another girl and found he liked her
better than me because she was more approachable, more part of
his world. When we broke up, he thanked me, told me I had given
him the confidence to get near her and talk to her. They got
married shortly after graduation- by then I had moved on. They're
still together, as far as I know, or maybe not, but I don't care.
I just know I'm happy, and that's what's important. Mark can live
his own life.

Damn, she clenched her teeth at the thought. Why did I just think
that? How can I be so cold? Maybe it's because, again, I have to
be. What happened between us happened. It can't be changed. I can
try to rationalize it all I want, but I won't change the facts.
It went bad. It was good for a while, though. My first time
wasn't the last time Mark satisfied me. It's not my fault he had
other desires. I did too. I brought them forth in my mind, worked
them out, just as I've always done. The person I am now is the
result. And I am going to be her. I am going to live my life, and
enjoy it.

I am Erika, she told herself, walking forward and stepping
between her friends. Officially Erika. She took Alicia's hand in
her left hand, Evan's in her right. Evan reached out and took
Keri's hand too. They smiled at each other and entered the hotel.

***
End of Chapter 1.

Afterword: The poems Erika quoted are from WB Yeats and William
Blake, if you're wondering. Hope you liked this story. It's only
the beginning. Things are going to get hotter. I have a long
series planned, with many celebrities involved and much fun and
development for our heroine. Feedback and suggestions will be
appreciated (send to DougElder21@yahoo.com). Later. - AN