The Passion of Erika Christensen Chapter 1: Opening Moves an erotic tale by AchtungNight. Celebs: Erika Christensen. Codes: MF, oral, first, reluc, cons. Disclaimer: This story contains graphic sexual situations and adult themes and is therefore not suitable for those under age 18 or the close-minded. It may be illegal in some areas too. :( Please also note that it is not a true story, instead merely a fantasy. Real events may be referenced and real names, likenesses, and other personal details of celebrities and other real people may be part of the story- however they are used in a fictional manner styled to the author's liking that may be satirical at times. The author has never met any of the celebrities used herein, so he has no way of knowing if they really act the way they do in the story, and is confident that they probably don't. One hopes that these facts do not keep you, the reader, from enjoying the story. Acknowledgements: Thanks as usual to all who have aided in the creation of this story, even those who have done so without knowing it. Thanks also to those who maintain sites for stories like this, and to all those who write them, read them, and otherwise keep them alive. Thanks especially goes out to those who have sent this author feedback. If after reading this story you desire to do the same, please email feedback to me at the address in my profile (DougElder21@yahoo.com). All feedback, with the exception of flames and spam, will be answered and appreciated. I hope you like this story. If not, please tell me why you didn't so I may learn of my mistakes. Copyright: This story is my creation. All other stories which are referenced or otherwise paid homage herein belong to their respective creators. This story may be posted anywhere on the Internet that is free to access and has my permission- please email me for such. The inclusion of this disclaimer and proper credit will be all that I ask. Notes: This tale is the beginning of a series. It picks up shortly after the end of my previous Erika story "The Rendezvous." It is not necessary to read that story to get everything in this prequel/continuation, but if you want to, go ahead. :) Special thanks to those who gave me inspiration and editing help on this. One last quick comment- the spiritual aspects of this story are in there because of the themes and characters. They're not meant to offend anyone. I really hope they don't. Enjoy reading. -AN ******************************************* The Passion of Erika Christensen Chapter 1: Opening Moves Fall 2003. London, England. The room's door opened and four beautiful girls walked out. All looked breathless and somewhat disheveled, even though their bodies showed evidence of recent showers. One was a tall elegant redhead dressed in a gown that matched her curls. The second was a tanned brunette in a green dress of similar cut. Then there was a young blonde in purple, her creamy skin shining in the hallway lights. Finally there came another lush young woman dressed in blue, her hair red-gold and falling about her shoulders. They smiled at each other as they headed through the hall, not saying much now. Many words and emotions had been exchanged between them throughout the day, but now such things were unnecessary. Their friendship had been cemented, and they were ready to go back to their ordinary lives. If, Erika Christensen thought to herself as she brought up the rear, the lives of women such as us can ever be called ordinary. The four were not everyday people. They were celebrities- young Hollywood actresses. Recently they had been cast in the same movie, which they would soon begin filming. All had gained much attention from fans and critics so far in their careers, and surely more was ahead. This is the life we signed up for, Erika thought. Ever since I was a child, I've known I wanted this life. It's been worth everything- all the committment, all the hard work, all the troubles that have come along. I've done great up to this point, and I'm going to keep on doing great. This is the life I was given, the life I've built, and I will live it. "Erika, are you alright?" a voice asked her. She looked up and smiled at her old friend Alicia Witt. The redhead was frowning, looking down at her. Big things happened for you today, Lish, Erika thought. I'm not surprised you're still worried about them. Oh well, you seem more at peace now, and that's good enough for me as long as it remains. "I was just thinking." Erika glanced back at the room they'd just left and sighed. "It was an amazing day today." "Yeah," Evan Rachel Wood agreed. "I had a lot of fun. More's ahead- right, Keri?" "Sure," Keri Russell said, running a hand through her brown locks. Of all the girls, she looked the most tuckered out. You've been through more today than any of us, Keri, Erika regarded her. We surprised you so much in the process of becoming your friends. Which reminds me... "Keri, I owe you another apology." "What?" Keri blinked. She stopped short and looked back at Erika, Alicia and Evan at her sides. "I'm not really the crazy person you thought I was," Erika smirked. "I've been acting that way to have some fun with you. It's time to stop now. I'm sorry." Keri stared at her. "Uh... you mean you're not..." She looked back at the room they'd just left, her voice catching in her throat. "No, not that," Erika laughed. "The other thing. You know, the misconception you had about me?" She glanced at Evan. "Both of you. You assigned me a role, and I took it. I think I may have overplayed it a bit, though. What do you think?" "You did just fine," Evan said. Keri still looked confused. "You mean you're not really a Scien..." "I am," Erika cut in. "I just follow the philosophy, though. I agree that the mythology's a little out there. Of course, when your religion's founder was a great science-fiction writer..." "We get it," Keri said. "And we're sorry too. Right?" She looked at Evan, who nodded, a smile still on her lips. "I helped her kid you a little," Alicia said. "I've seen her do it before. It's fun to play along." She sighed. "I guess I owe you both an apology too. I kept some things concealed. I wasn't expecting what happened between us. I wasn't even sure I wanted it." She looked back towards the room. "And now..." "Enough," said Keri. "We've had enough apologies and debates today. We've ironed them all out several times over already. Let's just move on. Okay?" "Okay," said Erika. She smiled at the other girls, then resumed walking. Her friends followed along. Phew, Erika thought. I was worried. We've had so many problems today, all over nothing. It took us forever to put them aside. Now that we're done, I'm glad we're friends. It better stay like that. "So, Erika, how'd you meet Alicia anyway?" Evan asked as they rounded the corner. "I know you've known her for a while, and that what just happened between you never happened before, but how'd it start?" "Thereby hangs a tale," Alicia replied. *** Winter 2001. Los Angeles, CA. "It's good to see you again, Erika." "You as well, Tom. How's your family?" "Just fine. And yours?" "Great." Erika bit back a sigh. Tom Cruise was a longtime acquaintance of her family, and had given her a lot of good career advice. She liked the man, as an actor and a friend. They had become estranged recently, however, and Cruise was still not interested in resolution. Erika could see this in his expression and tone. "We need to talk," the great actor said, taking Erika's arm and pulling her aside. "The movie was good," Erika told him, frowning as she looked about for the press. She had just walked out of the Hollywood premiere of Vanilla Sky, a psychological thriller in which Cruise had starred. She had enjoyed it, even though the pace and imagery had overwhelmed her a bit. Hopefully I'll get the chance to be in a film like that myself one day, she'd thought. All my life I've watched great meaningful stories on screen, wanted to be in them. This film had such a story and nice performances by Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz. I wish I could have been part of it too. "I really liked it." "Thank you," Cruise said, dropping her arm and glancing around. He nodded when he saw none of the crowd appeared to be paying them any attention, then turned back to Erika. "You're wasting your talent." Erika threw up her hands. "We are not going to talk about this again." "No, Erika, you know I'm right. You did great in Traffic, you really wowed them. And now you're going right back to wasting your time with small roles, TV shows, bad independent films..." "I like these roles, Tom! They're important to me. And I'm going to get praised again. You'll see. I just auditioned for the next Fatal Attraction. Geena thinks she can get me into Susan Sarandon's next film. And then there's Home Room. Please tell me you've heard about Home Room." "Yeah," Cruise grimaced. "I've heard about that one. You're playing a teenage shooting victim. You prepared for the role by going around talking to people in Columbine and Jonesboro, exposing yourself to Nazi science and views that aren't ours. Just like before, when you were on Nothing Sacred. Damn it, Erika, don't you know how dangerous..." "It's not dangerous, Tom! It can help people if done the right way. It really can. If you'd just talk to some of the people I have, think about it..." She took a breath. "You'd really be amazed. Our way is great, yes, but it's not the only way to explain life, to get used to and find meaning in it. It doesn't work for everyone." "That's another thing. Why won't you join me in promoting Scientology? You need to. People pay attention to you- young people." "Tom, I don't find it necessary to go around grandstanding our philosophy to the public. My own life and career are hard enough to manage without adding the evangelism you're planning. People see things differently. We can't change that. Nor do we need to. We're all human, Tom. I think if I just live what I believe and let other people believe what they want, instead of insisting to everyone that my philosophy is the only truth and then getting cranky when they don't go along as I expect... well, it just seems more respectful." "Respect." Cruise shook his head. "We gave you this life, Erika. You were raised in Scientology's proud tradition. You wouldn't be where you are now without our help." "Don't think I'm not grateful," Erika said. "Believe me, I will endorse Scientology whenever the media asks me about it. I've been doing that. I believe in the philosophy. I follow it. I just don't think it's the only good way there is. The others are good too." "We have a duty, Erika. We are artists, and we have this tradition. We must spread it above all else." Cruise glared down at her from his lifts. "You're either with us or against us." Erika paused, looking back at him. "Then I am against you," she said after a blink and a shrug. The two of them stared at each other, Cruise agape and Erika looking hesitant yet firm. Oddly, very few people around them had even noticed the exchange. One tall redheaded girl had, though, and she was smiling despite herself. "Tom," she spoke. Cruise turned, raising an eyebrow. "Um..." "Hey," Alicia Witt smiled at her Vanilla Sky co-star. "Who's your friend?" *** Fall 2003. London, England. "Oh my gosh!" Keri stared at Erika agape. "You told off Tom Cruise? Tom Cruise?" Erika nodded. "It just came out. I was a little surprised myself. But I had to say something." Evan grinned. "Have you always been this rebellious? I heard you were a good girl." "I am a good girl," Erika said. "I just like to go to extremes sometimes, explore what I can do. That's what life is about, not to mention acting. I've always tried to live that way, all my life." She smiled back at Evan. "And that was how we met," said Alicia. "I liked Erika at once. I could tell she was someone really inspiring, right about a lot of things. The fact that the pompous egomaniac I'd just done a film with couldn't see it... it added flavor. Tom is a good actor and a good man, but he really needs to get over himself." "Sounds like it," agreed Evan. "Who did he think he was, telling you all that stuff?" "Tom and I have very different lives," Erika said. "His family wasn't loving. Mine is. When he got into acting he got into a lot of big films quickly, while I've had to work hard for every role I've had. I'm sure he has too, but it's just not the same. We're not the same sort of people. But because we share the same religion, people think we are." She sighed. "Tom and I warmed up to each other a few months after that premiere. He saw Home Room and liked it, and we agreed to disagree on the rest. He calms down and wises up when he needs to, I'll give him that. And he does rebel against the things that confine him- on screen at least." "I'd like to work with him someday," said Keri. "Maybe if I read up on your religion so I could get to know him better..." She paused, biting her lip. Alicia and Erika exchanged smirks. "Tom quickly calmed down and introduced us," Alicia said. "We got to talking about the film and our careers. One thing led to another, and now here we are. Erika and I have been close friends since then- as close as two people can be in Hollywood, anyway. You know how it is. Our careers keeping us apart, all our differences. I knew about her lifestyle as she developed it, but I never got directly involved. Not until now." "Yeah," Erika laughed. "We just fixed that. About time, don't you think?" Alicia smiled wistfully, then nodded her head. Erika grinned at her. "So, we kept you in the dark most of today. We're sorry." "You don't have to apologize," said Evan. "It was our fault as much as yours." "Yeah," Keri agreed. They were silent for a moment as they approached the stairs at the end of the hall. A watchful doorman nodded and waved them on. Keri glanced at the clock above him worriedly. "Is the club still open?" "Inside Out stays open 24/7," Alicia said. "You never know who will stop in, or when. It's part of the place's charm. I was walking around Soho a few weeks after I moved to town, and there it was. I was glad to find it. I know I won't be living here forever, but as long as I do, I'll keep coming back." "I will too," Evan said, then frowned. "We will keep doing what we just did, right? You won't go crazy on us again?" Alicia smiled, glancing at Erika. Again the two exchanged knowing looks. "I'll do my best. I've just been fighting my interest in this for the longest time. And now I finally don't want to, but..." She trailed off, shaking her head. Erika beamed at her. "It's like anything else in life. You just need to see it the right way. You manage it properly, you learn to enjoy it, it rocks. You don't, then..." She shrugged as they walked back into the club's main room. Keri, Alicia, and Evan nodded, thinking over Erika's words. Erika shook her head and looked around them. Inside Out was still pretty crowded, even for the early morning. People of all kinds were moving about on the dance floor that looked like a city street or talking in small groups near the seeming outdoor cafe that served as the bar. The club's manager, still behind the counter, looked up from his customers and waved hello. "I'll go settle our bill," Alicia told the others. She walked towards the bar, heels clicking. Evan nervously scanned the crowd. "You worried about that jerk?" Keri asked her. "Don't be," Erika said. "Clarke never forgets a face, and he'll tell the other staff. Once someone's out of here, they stay gone. I've seen people get tossed out before. Never because of something they did to me until now, but..." "It's not him," Evan interrupted. "I'm looking for the other guy we met. Jamie. You didn't think I'd forget about him?" Erika smiled, recalling the young man who Evan had connected with earlier in the night. "I'm sorry I came between you," she told Evan again. "We had a situation." "Yeah," Evan nodded. "It's over now, though, and I want to see him again. You said you see him in here a lot. Are there regular times?" "I don't really know him," Erika shrugged. "I saw the movie you mentioned, Billy Elliot, and I agree he's a good actor, but we've never spoken. I haven't even been here that long. I auditioned for our movie in LA, and then I flew here for the filming, and... well, you know the rest." "Do you think he would be okay with me being into girls?" Evan asked. "I know I probably shouldn't be asking, neither of us know him, but I just have to know. I have to see him again. That bartender said I would." Erika grinned. "Doug was just saying that to make you feel good. He might be right, though. We'll see." Keri grimaced, watching the bartender as he talked with Alicia. "Do you know him well?" "Some," Erika replied. "Alicia and I have chatted with Doug almost every night we've been here. He's a big fan of ours. He's not really from London or Hollywood, but he knows a lot about both places. He's a very interesting guy." Keri raised an eyebrow at the look on her face. "Have you...?" Erika shook her head. "I might someday, though. He is cute." "What about Jamie?" Evan asked. "You said he was too young for you, but if I get to know him and..." "You want a threesome, just let me know," Erika cut in, guessing her thoughts. "But you might not want to take things too quickly. The relationships in my life don't usually happen as fast as everything today did. I've learned to be careful when they do. I don't want to get hurt again." Keri frowned. "What do you mean? You told us a little about your past relationships, and you sounded pleased with most of them." "Not all," Erika said. "I haven't been into the lifestyle that long- I am only twenty-one- but I know how things can go if you aren't careful." "Yeah, of course," Evan said. "If you get involved with the wrong person..." She sighed. "You must have lived through many interesting relationships, though. That Rosenbaum guy, Geena, what you did when you made Swimfan..." "I exgaggerated that last one a little," Erika cut her off. "Just to get your attention. You seemed so desperate to get close to us." Evan blushed. She glanced at Keri, who rolled her eyes at Erika, choking back a laugh. "Oh," Evan said. "I'm sorry." "Don't be," replied Erika. "It worked out great. Really, Jesse and I just made out in that scene while John directed us. We didn't take things any farther than you saw in the movie. We did retake it a lot, though- we had to rehearse in private to get the emotions right. And when that happened..." "You really did get with him?" Keri asked her. "You weren't lying to us about that?" "Of course I got with him," Erika said. "Shiri and Jason too. It was my first relationship with multiple co-stars. I wonder how this one will compare." She sighed, turning to face Alicia as she walked back to them. "Were we in there too long? I didn't look at the time till we got out." Alicia shrugged. "Doug said it was on the house. On account of it being their first time here." She nodded at Evan and Keri. "He also said he called a cab for us when he heard were headed down. They're waiting outside." Erika flashed the bartender a smile of thanks. He nodded back, then returned to serving his customers. He thinks of everything, Erika said to herself. Such a great guy. If I could spend more time with him and get to know him... no, forget it, Erika. You have enough going on in your life right now as it is. She turned back to her friends and waved at the club door. "Let's get going. I'm tired." "Me too," Keri agreed with a sigh. "Erika?" Evan said as they headed for the door. Erika gave her a questioning look. "Just how did you get into swinging? You told us a lot before, but now that you say you've been exgaggerating..." Should have waited longer to do this, Erika thought. Damn it. "I didn't lie to you," she told Evan. "I just summarized, and left out things that weren't important to the moment. You have to understand- you're not born into this. It has to develop in you. The way it did in me might be typical for some, but..." She sighed. "It's been a long road, and it keeps going. It's worth it, though. I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing." "You ought to tell us more about it," Keri said. "I'm sure you have some great stories." "She does," Alicia agreed. "I know some of them." "Not all, though. Even I can't recall all the details." Erika sighed as they headed through the door. Clarke, the club's hulking black bouncer, nodded at them, then indicated a cab parked at the curb. Sun's almost here, Erika noted, looking at the gray sky. The crowd's gone away, except for a few people. God, I need some sleep. "It's like any set of memories. You recall an overview more than anything, except when it comes to the most important points. And even with those..." "You should tell us more about what shaped you," said Evan. "For someone who's just starting out in this, who wants to get involved, it might help." Erika frowned. "I thought your parents were..." "They are," Evan said. "But they've never told me much about it other than the basic facts. They said I had to find my own way. I'm doing well so far, I think, but if I could find a teacher like you found Geena..." Erika grinned, seeing what her new friend was getting at. Then she took a breath. "There's just so much that's happened, so much I've done. I have trouble keeping track of it sometimes. You have to follow the progression to fully understand it, and even then... It was all cool, though. I know that." "We understand if you're not ready to talk," said Keri. "Just please do tell us sometime." "I will," Erika promised, looking at the cab. She smiled in recognition at the driver as he opened the door for them. "Hey, Frank. Nice to see you again." "You as well," Frank Martin replied. He then walked around the cab and got back behind the wheel. "Where can I take you?" The actresses piled into the backseat, huddling close. Alicia slammed the cab door, then gave their destination. They looked at each other again as the driver headed off, giving each other pleased expressions and trying to hide their fatigue. It's been a long night, Erika thought. It's good that we're spending the rest of it and today together. We'll have to be careful again starting tomorrow, though. Our director can't know about this. Dane's also coming in tonight, and if he finds out... no, he can keep a secret, Erika. You know that. Don't worry. Your little brother may be a dweeb sometimes, but he's a good guy. You shouldn't tell him about this, but if he finds out- and he might, since you're all in the same movie- just play it safe. It'll be alright. He already knows a few things about your relationships anyway. Not everything, though, Erika added to herself. I've never told anyone everything. There's still so much I don't fully understand, even though I've lived through it. So much has shocked me, swept over me so fast and hard. I'm not sure I could put it into words, not the way Evan wants me to. I could try, but it wouldn't be easy. Not that anything ever really is. To make any sense of it all, I would need to go back three years. Back to the night it all started... *** Winter 2000. Los Angeles, CA. "I want to have sex," the young man on the movie screen said, "and then do a hit as we're both cumming." The young girl facing him shrugged. "Okay." She reached out and took the offered pipe. Among the audience watching the film, a girl who was and was not the girl on screen clenched her teeth as she looked on. Stop, Erika Christensen reminded herself. You know how this plays out. You read the script so many times, and you acted it too. You just got through playing Caroline's part a month ago. You know she gets what she deserves, and that jerk up there with her does too. You shouldn't be so worried. But I am, she told herself, looking down at her body and then up at Caroline's as her character shared a smoke with the young man and then fell back on the bed, the screen going dark blue as he moved in. They kissed and shook a bit, then it faded out. We never really touched each other, Erika reminded herself. It seems graphic, but it's not. None of it's real. It was all just acting. I never felt anything for Topher- I've never liked people who insist on going by weird names and he's too full of himself for someone so young in the business. Caroline of course didn't feel anything for his character either. She only wanted the drugs. Nothing else was in her mind. I feel such pity towards her, such anger. I want to reach out to her, yell at her to stop what she's doing, to... I guess I really acted her part well. She looked at her parents, who were sitting beside her at the test screening. Both looked even more surprised than she was by her performance. Her father's hands were tight on the arms of his seat, his face trying to keep emotion locked in. He looks just like Michael Douglas will a few scenes later, Erika thought. And Mom's worse. She's been dabbing at her eyes every time I've come on, just as she is now. I wanted people to feel this way, but... Stop it, Erika. You did great. You put yourself aside and lived the role, just as you always knew you could. You defied so many people's expectations of you when you played Caroline. Your parents didn't want you to do it, but you knew you had to. You convinced them, Steven Soderbergh helped. This film is going to be so important, it has such social value, it's going to win so many awards, do so well. It's.... She shook her head and looked over towards the film's director. Steven Soderbergh was sitting a few rows away, wearing a proud contented look. That's how I should be feeling, Erika thought. I worked as hard on this film as he did, we all did, and now it's done. I hope it's going to win awards, even though I never expect them. It was so tough stepping into Caroline's part, forgetting about who I was and playing the roles of the addicts I met and talked to about this. I did a truly daring thing for the first time with this role- yes, I've acted a lot and even flirted with crime on screen a bit, but never like this. I've never gone to these extremes before. These are my first lovescenes too- and I did them at such a young age. I did so much in this role I've never done. I did drugs, even though I've never touched a cigarette. I had sex, when in real life I've only kissed guys so far. I needed my parents' consent for the role- if I had been able to wait just a few months, I wouldn't have had to get it, but this script came when it did. We argued so much over it, I was so glad when they finally agreed to let me do it, but now I just feel... nothing. No, she snapped at herself, you do feel something. You sympathize with Caroline, you were her. You put it all across- every emotion you got to know from the people talked to about the role- and now it's done. Look at yourself. You did great! Then why do I feel this way? Erika thought. Why do I feel so lost? It's Caroline's attraction, she answered herself, still thinking about her character even though it was no longer on screen. You can't help but feel drawn to her, even though she's making so many mistakes. That's what your parents are worried about, what everyone's worried about when it comes to drugs. You know better than to get involved with them for real- they know that. You handled the part of an addict well and might do it again someday, but you'll keep it confined to screen. Still, though... I almost want Caroline's crutches. I almost want to do what she's doing to get over the bad things in my life. The disappointment, the angst, the fear. I can't, I know I shouldn't, I saw so much pain in the addicts I talked to about this role, but still... She pushed her thoughts away and smiled as Benicio del Toro's character came on. Such a great actor, Erika thought, and a handsome man. Too bad we never shared the stage together. I got to talk to him a lot during production, though. We became friends. Maybe now that I'm eighteen, and I've moved out on my own, we could... Stop it, Erika. He's fifteen years older than you. Benicio's also not interested in you, he never showed you a hint that he was. Still... she looked around for Benicio, but couldn't find him in the dark theater. Stop it, she ordered herself. Just calm down and watch the movie. Taking her own command, she settled back in her seat, trying to smile as the film went on. It was hard, though. Caroline's done so much I haven't done, Erika thought. She was able to, where I haven't been. I'm not her, I don't want to be her, but... Again she looked at her parents, reminding herself they'd stood by her all throughout the filming, just as they had through her career so far and would continue to. Even if she someday made them feel worse than they did now. She looked past them to her brothers Nick, Brando, and Dane. All were riveted in their seats, a mixture of pride and fear on their faces. These are my family, Erika thought. I love them, and they love me. Because of them, I will never become like Caroline, never fall into her trap. I'm glad I have them, and that they let me show others what can happen if you don't. I can't be Caroline, I'm so disappointed in her, our lives are so different, but... I know what I have to do now, Erika told herself. This role's shown me things I've been struggling with all my life. I won't seek the shelter Caroline does from such things- I can't- but I will get what I want from life. I must. I've already begun planning it. And soon... She smiled at her family. Thank you, she thought towards them. Thank you for bringing me to this moment. I'm glad we've come this far, that you've helped me so much. I'm also glad I won't need your permission to do what I have to next. *** "I want to have sex." "What?" "I want to have sex," Erika repeated, smiling at the young darkhaired man sitting next to her on the couch. Mark Matthews was from her neighborhood. She'd known him growing up and they'd always been friends even though she'd been home-schooled while he'd attended St. Anthony's. They often spent time with each other, and had gone out together several times in the past few years. It wasn't hard making this decison, Erika grinned as she thought back. Mark's cute, smart, and nice, and I know he likes me. He's well-read, just like I am. I know he'll know what to do here. We've come close to it before, and we're ready. I planned this whole thing out, came over to his house on a rainy Saturday night when his parents were out of town after I cleared my schedule. I've been eighteen almost three months now, and he just turned eighteen two days ago. This is his present, and mine too. I know I want it. I must have it. "Why?" Mark asked, pushing up his thin glasses as he looked at her and frowned. "I've never put pressure on you, you know that. There's so much else in our lives, and we don't need to..." "I had sex onscreen," Erika cut him off. She'd already thought this through in her mind. He could not protest now. "It was fake, and done for the wrong reasons. I didn't like it." Mark stared at her. "And you think if you have real sex," he said after a moment, "and it's good, it will make that go away?" "No," she shook her head. "It will lessen it a bit, though, and that's what I want. You have to understand, Mark. All my life I've been told to stay true to myself, flow and live. I want to do that, but the way my life has gone..." She searched for a metaphor to illustrate her thoughts to him. "You know that poem you wrote the essay on last year? The one you read to me? 'Things fall apart, the center cannot hold?' That's me right now." She sighed. "My world is crashing in on me, changing, and it's about to get worse. I've just moved out on my own, just had my first big movie. People are going to be looking at me soon, in a way they never have before. I have to look at myself in a new way too. I have to manage my life by myself now. My life, my career, and this." "I thought we were going to break up," Mark said. "We haven't seen each other in so long- you got out of school early to act full-time, and then you went away to film Traffic. We split. And now you've come back, and you want to..." "Yes," Erika replied. "Traffic was great. The test screening was Thursday, it went well. I did good, but now that it's over, I just feel so..." She gasped and shook her head, at last letting all she felt from being Caroline wash over her. She collapsed into Mark, sobbing against his chest. "It's okay," Mark consoled her, patting her shoulder. He leaned down and sniffed her hair, biting his lip. "I've heard about the film, Erika. You let me read part of the script. I haven't seen it yet, I won't till it's out, but I can guess what you're feeling. I read Go Ask Alice. I know what addiction's like, how living it can make you feel." Good, Erika thought, it's working. She ran her hand over Mark's chest, looking up at him. "You know how I've told you I want to be a great actress?" "You are a great actress." She smiled. "Thanks. I know I can be. It's just that I've done so much on screen I haven't for real and..." "Erika, stop it. You're not going to take drugs. You can't! It's..." "I know that, Mark!" Erika interrupted him again. "But the other thing Caroline did that I haven't- I need to have that. I'm ready for it. I'm free now. Please." He looked her up and down, then sighed. "Erika, I don't know about this. You're out of school, I'm not. This is my senior year. If the wrong thing happens to me..." "I have protection. A friend at Narconon gave me the pill." Mark looked relieved, then shook his head. "That's good, but... we can't." "Why not?" Erika pulled back from him, keeping her hands on his shoulders and looking into his blue eyes with hers. "We're both old enough. We both want this. What's your problem?" Her boyfriend stared at her, his lips tight. After a few seconds he spoke. "It's my first time, too. I know you told me when you went away to film Traffic that I could see other people, and I have, but I've never gotten close to any of them. It's always been you, Erika. And now..." Erika put a finger to his lips. "I get it, Mark," she said. She had anticipated this too, been hoping for it. "Don't worry, we'll do fine. I've read up on this, so have you. We've both fantasized about it." "But we've never done it." He gaped at her. "Never even gotten close. How far do you want to take this? Do you want to get married? Or..." "No, Mark," Erika said. "We're too young, we have too much other stuff going on in our lives. I know you might want to, and we could, but..." "It's okay," Mark said, clasping her arm. He looked her over again, then nodded. "Whatever you want. It's just... are you sure about this? Are you really sure?" "Yes," Erika answered. Why do you always have to overthink everything? she added silently. Why can't you just take opportunities as they come? I'm giving you one right now! Take it! "Please, Mark. Touch me." He opened his mouth to say something else, but she leaned in and stopped him with a kiss. She took hold of his shoulder in the same motion and squeezed it, adding insistence. This is just like my lovescenes, Erika thought. The right words and motions lead to the right reaction in the audience, the proper results. Except this time it will be good. It will be real. I will not be empty or afraid. I will be satisfied. She broadcast all this to Mark with her eyes as she pulled back, hoping he would drop his reluctance. If you don't, too bad, Erika told herself. It will be your loss. I've been patient up until now, put all thoughts of this aside or left them to fantasy. I can keep doing that if I must, but I don't want to. Not any more. Please, Mark, please... Her thoughts vanished as he smiled, then pulled her close and kissed her back. The touch was brief, but full of all the emotion that had always been between them. Mark's lips met hers, Erika felt his touch, then they moved apart. "You..." he began. She nodded and kissed him again, pushing him down into the couch with the motions of her body. She ran her fingers over his chest, squeezing at the pressure points she found. They had made out a few times before, and she used what she remembered. But we never went farther, Erika thought. I was always afraid, and so were you. No more. She smiled and shook against Mark as his arms encircled her, kissing him again as he rubbed her back. Their mouths came open and they breathed into each other. Erika then extended her tongue, licked across his teeth. She pulled away from him and smiled, taking off his glasses and putting them on the table beside the couch. Mark looked her over intently, trying to imprint her in his mind. You still have a problem with this even though it's happening, Erika thought, recalling what Soderbergh had told her about lovescenes. But you must put that aside for the emotions of the moment. The moment is good. It is what you want. Live it. Assume the role. Find some way to ease into it. Immerse yourself. Then, when you're relaxed, you'll know what you need to do next. I know, Erika thought, leaning down again. She kissed Mark once more, pressing her palms into his chest. Your fantasy is happening! she told him with her actions. You're about to fuck a girl, at long last. And she's a girl you've known all your life, who you like, who likes you. Not to mention a hot blonde with a nice figure who's a movie star. Is this not what you want? Mark's hands grabbed her shoulders and pushed her up and off him. Damn it, no! Erika silently wailed. Then, as she opened her mouth to voice protest, Mark grabbed her shirt and started to pull it off. She smiled in relief, raising her arms and helping him. He gasped as he looked at her breasts, already flushed from anticipation. Her pink nipples were hard, pointing at him. "You didn't wear..." "No," Erika shook her head. "It would have gotten in the way." She grinned and took hold of his shirt, smiling at him. Mark eased up on the couch and raised his arms, nodding. She moved back on him slightly and then pushed the garment up and over his head, throwing it aside. She smiled again at the sight of his chest. Mark was a good swimmer, like her. They had worked out together many times. So often they had smiled at each other after doing so, then hugged and kissed, and Erika had wanted to take things further. But I didn't. We have different lives, I wanted to keep us just friends, we're young. But now I can change things, and I will. We will. She ran her hands over his bare muscles and kissed his lips. Again her tongue came out and touched his teeth. This time his rose up and met it. She licked across it, breathing into him with her mouth. His fingers moved on her as she did so, rubbing around her back towards her breasts. You've wanted to touch them so many times, Mark, Erika thought as they kissed. I know you have. Now you can. Do it. He did, and she smiled. Yes. She knew the sensation of fingers on her breasts, she always played with them when masturbating, but his touch was different from her own. He pulled hard, fumbling a little. Erika gritted her teeth, then gasped as he moved on, finding the right spots. Good, she thought. You learn fast. So do I. Let me show you. She stopped kissing his lips and moved down, pecked him across his chin and throat. She also moved her hands down along his body, probing his chest and stomach. He smiled at her, silent now, still rubbing her breasts. "Keep that up," Erika said, laughing at him. I feel so good, she thought, moving down and grabbing his belt. She placed her palm against his crotch and felt his hard organ. She had seen its shape before, and felt it against her, but never put a hand to it. Now she would. She caressed it up and down through his jeans, regarding the apparent length and girth. Good, she thought. I can handle this. It's not too much for me. In some of the sex I've read about the man has a really big prick. I thought about that, and I might like it, but not for my first time. I need to ease into this. I'm still not completely sure what to do. I do know you'll like this, though, she thought. With that, she grabbed his cock through his pants and squeezed it, putting a predator's smile on her lips. Mark pulled hard on her nipples as she did so, his fingers pressing into her flesh. Yes, Erika beamed at him, that's it. You remember the poem I quoted, the one we talked about? You called the beast in there terrible and mysterious in your essay, you hated it but at the same time you welcomed it. Its presence would resolve all the chaos in the world, the conflict would be gone. And now here it is, slouching forward, waking from stony sleep, and you can see it, touch it. For so long, you've had doubts about sex, and so have I. We've heard about it in school, read about it in books, but every time we've gotten close to having it we've found ourselves lacking all conviction. Now that's over. Now is the time for passionate intensity. The hour has come round, at last! She squeezed his organ again with her palm, blazing her thoughts to him with her eyes, then moved her hands to his waist. "Please," Mark implored her, smiling. His eyes were wide, his lips bemused. Okay, Erika nodded, unfastening his belt. She moved quickly, knowing his emotion was barely contained. Hers was sparking too, growing inside her. It was magnificient, filling her body and soul. She concentrated on another poem that described it, trying to embrace it yet keep it at bay. Tyger, Tyger, she thought, burning bright. In the forests of the night... Mark squeezed her nipples as she began to pull down his pants, and she let out a scream. He stopped, staring at her. "Sorry." "No, it's okay," she said, leaning down and kissing him. Then she pulled herself back up, tugged his pants over his hips. He nodded and kicked his shoes off, moved his fingers back onto her aureolae and pushed against them. He was gentler now, slower. Good, Erika thought, that's better. Remember what this is. This is our first time. We're going to learn so many things we've never done before. Yes, this moment has been full of dread terrors for us, things we could not clasp, but we've still longed for it, wanted it. I have, and so have you. Then I performed it, and it was bad. I knew I had to make it good. With you, I will. I will make it good- for both of us. Keeping those thoughts in mind, she pulled down his jeans. He helped her, kicking off them and his shoes. Erika regarded the hard organ thrusting up through his underwear, its head peeking slightly out the side. There it is, she thought. There's the fearful symmetry I have envisioned, that now I dare to touch. She reached out and pushed her fingers against it, smiling as it twitched. It's alive! She grabbed his underwear and pulled it down. His cock sprang out, its every aspect like her dreams. Hard and flushed, warm like her skin. She flicked her fingers against it, moving them back and forth rapidly. The organ felt odd in her hand, yet good. Large, warm, and growing more so. Cocks are like clits, she thought, recalling what she'd read, only a bit bigger. Rub them the right way, you get the right reactions. Testing her theory, she moved her hand up and down on his length, keeping her other hand on his thigh and pressing hard. His hands slowed as she did so, still rubbing her breasts but not as fast. He's getting overwhelmed, Erika thought. Slow down. Distract him. She moved her thumb and forefinger against his organ's head, squeezing it between them and into her palm. Then she dropped her hands from him and stood up. Mark frowned, then smiled as she unbuttoned her pants and pushed them down, stepping out of her sneakers in the same motion. She had not worn panties today either, and her pussy was smiling, open, and red. Mark looked at it, regarding her fertile triangle of blonde hair and engorged lips. Erika felt her heart beat faster, echoing in her mind. An ache was rising inside her, wet and rough. Soon, she told it, holding it back. She kicked off her pants and sat back down on the couch. She then turned and returned her attention to Mark, grasping his organ again and holding it in her palm. She stroked its length, keeping her eyes on him. Then she moaned as he resumed touching her breasts. She wrapped her whole hand around his cock and cradled it, pumping gently. He did the same with her nipples, causing her to gasp. His organ leapt in her hand, pulsating. She tickled it with her fingers, moving along the length. She flashed fire at him with her eyes, then pulled back, letting his hands drop off her breasts. Mark frowned again, but Erika stopped his doubt once more with a finger on his lips. "Trust me," she said, then grabbed his cock hard in a fist. She moved down and kissed its head, licked across it. The taste was odd, but she liked it. I wanted this too, she thought. And I want to make sure I get it. Ignoring the ache in her for the moment, and his unmoving hands, she began. She licked at him with feathery touches, holding his shaft in one hand and with the other cupping his balls. She breathed into him, letting him vibrate against her tongue. Come on, she thought. I've fantasized about this, I need to know what it's like. I need it to be good for me. Suddenly he shook, and it was. A strange fluid came spurting out of his organ, staining her throat. Erika frowned, then smiled, taking in the taste and smell of it. I like this, she appraised. I was so worried I wouldn't, but I do. Good. She swallowed the fluid down, holding Mark's organ tight as it kept shaking. She kissed it one last time, then pulled back, dropped her hands, and smiled. He smiled too, looking up at her in awe. You liked that, Erika thought. Good. But we're not through yet. She moved her body up against his, rubbing herself over him. Her nipples flicked against his muscles, her hot groin pressing into his thigh. The ache in there was throbbing, and Erika did not need to touch herself to know her juice was starting to flood. Okay, Erika thought, it's time. I'm ready for this. My period's not for at least three weeks, and I took the pill just in case. I know I want this, and I want it from you. It's time to have it now, time to... She stopped, placing her groin against his and realizing his organ was limp. "Sorry," Mark said, frowning at her. He clasped his shoulders and sighed. "I'm so sorry. I..." "No," Erika told him, shaking her head. "It's okay." You've read about this, she thought. You knew it could happen. You prepared for this moment just as you do for all your roles. You know what you have to do to make it right. She moved up and down on him, kissing his lips and running her fingers across his chest. She let her thighs and cunt rub against his cock, coaxing him back to full hardness with her motions. "You can't," Mark said. "I've tried. I've tried so many times. It's not possible." "Nothing's impossible," Erika snapped, kissing him and moving her body. "Come on," she urged him. "You know what I want. Give it to me. Don't stop, Mark. Not now. We've come this far, so come on. Let's go further." She backed her words with motions, hoping against hope. Mark gritted his teeth and moved his hands across her back, pulling her into him and rubbing wherever he could. He tangled his fingers in her hair, sniffing at the blonde curls and tugging on them. He caressed her back, her waist, her rear, then down across the tops of her thighs. Good, Erika thought, pulling him up and wrapping her legs around him. She squeezed his shoulders with her hands, smiled as his hands came up and clasped her breasts again. Come on, she thought, rubbing her body over his. I don't have what I want yet. Give it to me. I need it. I ache for it. I... She smiled, feeling his organ leaping back up. Yes! You're absorbing my radiance, my attention. You're going back to how I want you. Now it's time for you to return my favor. Come on, come on. She pushed him back into the couch cushions, tingling hard against him. Then she lined up her opening with his shaft, clenched her teeth, and pressed down. Pain overwhelmed her instantly. I knew this was coming, she thought. I prepared for it. I remember what to do. She reached up and grabbed her ear, twisted it to the side, and pulled it on hard. She closed her eyes and took in the sensation, trying to control it. She thrust her other palm against his chest, finding his heartbeat and concentrating on its rhythm and her own. Again she recalled everything she'd read about this act, in romance novels and other literature. This is good, she remembered. I want this. It hurts me, but I like it. Pleasure comes with the pain. Pleasure. His organ is an intruder in me, but it is welcome, as welcome as my fingers have been before. I want it, I... She smiled, feeling rapture echoing forth in her. Her body was shaking, and she moaned. "Yes. Yes! Oh yes! Thank you! Ahh!!" She erupted, screaming her joy. "Erika!" Mark shouted, and she opened her eyes. "You're..." She looked down at their joined bodies, the fluid flowing out of her, and clenched her lips. Shit. The blood-dimmed tide is loosed... "It's okay," she said. "I know how to clean it up. We'll be fine." "Are you sure?" She nodded. "I have to be." She punctuated her words by moving up and down on him, longing to come again as she had before and make him do likewise. We've each felt it once, she thought, and we can do it again. I know we can. I can do whatever you want, be whatever you desire. And you can be the same for me. I knew this could be good, and you helped me. You made it good for me. Thank you. Thank you so much. *** Fall 2003. London, England. "Erika?" a voice drew her back to the present. "What are you thinking about?" "Just stuff," she shrugged, turning and looking at Evan. "Nothing much." She looked out the cab window and sighed, realizing how much her thoughts had distracted her. They had traveled all the way from Inside Out to the hotel while she reminisced, and she had not spoken to Keri, Evan, or Alicia. She had said so much to them today, they had gotten to be such good friends, they were sitting so close together in the cab, and now in the silence... is it over? "You were thinking about what we did, right?" Alicia asked. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't do that earlier. But it had to happen as it did. You know that, right?" "Yes," Erika nodded, smiling back at her friend as she thought over all their times together. "Thank you. And you, Keri." Keri said nothing, only smirked. Erika looked at her, then at Evan, and beamed back at each girl. Then she frowned, recalling their surroundings and the secret nature of their relationship. She looked towards the cabdriver, who wore an indiscernible expression. Frank's eyes blinked for a moment as he looked back at them in the rearview mirror. Then he shook his head and coughed. "We're here." "Thanks, Frank," Alicia said, handing him a roll of pound notes. "See you later." She opened the cab door and stepped out. The other girls followed her, Erika bringing up the rear just as before. Her memories echoed again in her mind, past and present. This new relationship we've started will be good, she told herself. Not like my first one. That didn't last long after the first time we had sex, and I hated that. Mark wanted me, again, but he didn't want to give me everything I wanted. He also couldn't. I learned that the hard way. Our lives split us apart again, as they had before. He kept on with school, and I went back to my acting career. Our relationship lasted barely another six weeks before he met another girl and found he liked her better than me because she was more approachable, more part of his world. When we broke up, he thanked me, told me I had given him the confidence to get near her and talk to her. They got married shortly after graduation- by then I had moved on. They're still together, as far as I know, or maybe not, but I don't care. I just know I'm happy, and that's what's important. Mark can live his own life. Damn, she clenched her teeth at the thought. Why did I just think that? How can I be so cold? Maybe it's because, again, I have to be. What happened between us happened. It can't be changed. I can try to rationalize it all I want, but I won't change the facts. It went bad. It was good for a while, though. My first time wasn't the last time Mark satisfied me. It's not my fault he had other desires. I did too. I brought them forth in my mind, worked them out, just as I've always done. The person I am now is the result. And I am going to be her. I am going to live my life, and enjoy it. I am Erika, she told herself, walking forward and stepping between her friends. Officially Erika. She took Alicia's hand in her left hand, Evan's in her right. Evan reached out and took Keri's hand too. They smiled at each other and entered the hotel. *** End of Chapter 1. Afterword: The poems Erika quoted are from WB Yeats and William Blake, if you're wondering. Hope you liked this story. It's only the beginning. Things are going to get hotter. I have a long series planned, with many celebrities involved and much fun and development for our heroine. Feedback and suggestions will be appreciated (send to DougElder21@yahoo.com). Later. - AN