Review - Snowbound by Desideria


Storyline 

<Brief outline only>

An unpredicted snowstorm sweeps into a City disrupting its
normal smooth running. Imagine being trapped by it. Now imagine
you are not alone.

Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

The sheer quality of the writing shines through, and due to
this so do the emotions. The pacing of the story is refined
and it leads you willingly along. There are some wonderful
descriptive passages:


'"If we're stuck here, shouldn't we be comfortable? Come on,
Matt, let’s pool resources. I know you've got a stash of
cookies! And we've got the water cooler, and our coats, and
even heat, still!" Sarah started pulling things out of her desk
drawers. She had a crumpled envelope of dry cocoa, and a few
noodle soup containers, and Matt hauled out his cookies, and
even a few bars of chocolate. He turned out the lights to watch
the snow, then they sat on the floor eating while the sky
turned dark. Snow flashed in quick glimpses
through the reflected lights of the city.'

What is nice about this is - these are exactly the type of odd
things that people poke away in their desks. I like well
observed stories and this is one.

'Her hips rocked, and every stroke, every suck, every pull and
flick started pulses deep in her vagina. She could feel the
surges of wetness. Without sight, she thought she could even
smell that warmth, and wondered if he could, too.'

Isn't that nice, isn' it? Simple, elegant I call it.


Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

Some of the phraseology is a bit naïve I will pick a phrase
from one of the quotes above:

'Sarah started pulling things out of her desk drawers. She had
a crumpled envelope of dry cocoa, and a few noodle soup
containers, and Matt hauled out his cookies, and even a few
bars of chocolate.'

I'm sorry, but I expect I am not the only one to snigger at
Matt hauling out his cookies. It is an amusing, but unintended
joke and here it pulls us out of the story.

My second point is also made in the above passage. The sentence
should break with a full stop at the point that Matt is
involved. It would read better with less comma's. Yes, anyone
who reads my stories is allowed to laugh out aloud at this point!

My final niggle revolves around this sentence:

'He turned out the lights to watch the snow, then they sat on
the floor eating while the sky turned dark.'

So why do they continually complain about not being able to
see? Turn the light back on! This crops up several times, and it
really started to grate.

Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20

<17>

Very nice, you can see the snow and its effects. Feel the
cosiness of the office and the slowing of time. Well done.

Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20

<15>

Once more a very nice progression, with a terminal twist can't
fault it, other than my comments about the lights!

Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of  20

<18>

Nice feel to the sex, refreshingly described and believable.
Once more - well done.

Mechanics

<16>

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

I have mentioned a few issues I had here, and they did impinge
on the enjoyment of a fine story. However the author is bound to
develop this as time progresses. 

Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20

<16>

Warm and secure, life affirming. An unabashed good news story,
with appealing style. I will read anything the author posts. I
can't add much more praise than that. I understand this is a
first story. You have a hard act to follow, but apparently have
the talent to do it.


Total score

82 Yotties out of 100.

Readability guide           00-20 must try harder.
                            20-40 needs development
                            40-60 readable
                            60-80 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)