Melissa's Initiation by A Strange Geek.


Storyline 

<Brief outline only>

Melissa is a teenager out of water, and willing to do anything to fit
in with her peers. Too willing as it turns out, and she is taken
advantage of in a humiliating way. The rest of the story concentrates
on Melissa's rite of passage, and its final surprising outcome.

Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

OK, I have to declare an interest. This is my kind of story, so I will
try not to effuse too much. The piece is well observed, anyone who has
been desperate to 'fit in' will recognise Melissa's angst immediately.
The setup by her peers is wonderfully vindictive, and very like real
teenage bitchiness. Once the trap is sprung things really get
interesting, and the supernatural part of the story takes off.
Melissa's transformation echo's a coming of age, or 'eating of the
fruit of the tree of knowledge'. 

There are some nice phrases, in particular in the 'supernatural' part
of the story. For example:

"The hand was withdrawn. There was the sound of shifting dirt and sand
as the figure's leg-shaped appendages lowered it to its knees. Melissa
heard something like a deep, guttural groan from the featureless face
of the figure and shuddered. Its head appeared to turn, as if shifting
its gaze over to her feet and drawing it very slowly up her body and
back up to her face. Melissa thought she could actually feel the
spectre’s gaze on her, like ice just barely touching her skin.

The figure's hand reappeared. It reached for her face."

Nice! Or not, depending on your point of view :-)


Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

There were a few clumsy sentences, over wordy and unnecessarily
complex. This sentence is a classic (I could also have written this).

"She had wanted more control over her life than she believed she had,
and this seemed like the perfect way to go about gaining just that."

As my editor would put it 'She had always been a hostage to life, and
this seemed an ideal way to change that.' 

I think this is an error people trained to write reports tend to make,
but hey - who knows.

There are a few odd words that grated, but this could be local usage.
To a Brit it sounds wrong and pull you out of the story. Examples
below.

"The figure's pinpoint red eyes appeared, and it leaned in closer, its
groan questioning in nature." <lent>

"We present her to the goddess in hopes that she will be found
worthy." <the hope>

I personally find Melissa a little too unsympathetic after her
conversion. I think she would retain more humanity, revenge is sweet,
but she would know the feelings of a victim.


Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20. <15>

It is good, the wind howls, and the spectre does 'spectres' things. 

Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20.
 <16>

Once again good, in fact a strong point.                   

Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out of  20.
<16>

The supernatural part is excellent, and the female emotions are well
portrayed. 

Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo’s etc.> Marks out of 20.  <12>

I have some reservations here, there are mistakes and some of the
sentences are 'clunky'.


Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?>
Marks out of 20. <15>

Well, I want to know more about that damn spectre for a start. But a
continuation  of the mind control section would probably be too bland.
May be a new initiation?

I would like to see more. Got the  feeling that the story was about
more than the subject itself. This is a nice allegory about growing
up, and may be the about abuse of power.

Good one!

Total score

74 Yotties out of 100.

Readability guide 00-20 must try harder.
                            20-40 needs development
                            40-60 readable
                            60-80 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)