Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Keywords: M/F Author: W R Jenkins Title: Jesus Steals a Donkey



   Disclaimer:(standard) Do not screw up.  Do not do anything illegal. 
This includes specifically (but not limited to) reading on if you are under
18- 21 in some localities If you are underage you must leave now.  If
you're young and curious, this is not the place to get the straight story.
You act like this and people will look at you strange and give you a wide
berth.  Also, don't try this at home.  Some of this stuff is just plain
wrong, most of it is unsafe in the present viral climate and some of it
doesn't work in this universe.  They are stories.  They deal with ideas,
fantasies and thoughts that might not even be pleasant in real life. 
Thoughts are like that.  Fantasies are there so we can toy with the
sensations without feeling or inflicting the pain, despair or humiliation.
End Sermon.

   Jesus Steals a Donkey (Just to Get Some Ass) - (roadtrip.txt) The title
pretty much says it all.  I guess this is the precise definition of
sacreligious.  M/F.  (A re-post since it miraculously?  got fucked up by
some re-formatter)

   Jesus Steals a Donkey

   (Just to get some ass)

   It wasn't fair.  He hadn't gone off and left himself in the synagog. 
And he wasn't talking crap to those old guys.  It was like he said: It was
family business.  Like he needed some cantankerous old man beating him with
a stick.  It seemed like it was his lot to suffer for then sins of the
world.

   Jesus rubbed his backside and tried not to jar too much as he walked
beside Jezebel.  It was a long walk, but he knew it would only be that much
worse trying to ride.

   Joseph had no right.  He wasn't even his real father.  But Jesus hadn't
brought that up.  He got beat bad enough the last time he reminded Joseph
that Mary had thrown him a step-son.

   Jesus pulled into Nazareth feeling about half-past dead.  The only
thought still turning in his fatigued mind was evening up things a little
bit.  There was only one way to do that.  Jesus was going to take a
roadtrip.

   He was a man now.  That's what the bar-mitzvah was all about.  It was
time for him to get in on those things that had people groaning in their
houses or the field- or the olive groves.  He knew what was going on.  They
were knowing each other- in the biblical sense and Jesus didn't know any
body.

   Now roadtrips are more fun when you're not alone, but Jesus couldn't
think of a soul he could trust to take along.  Cousin John was hopeless. 
He was so goody-goody he'd tattle in a minute.  All he wanted to do was
wash in the river anyway.  At first, Jesus had thought it was some kind of
scam to get girls naked, but John didn't seem interested in that- only
dipping them.  He might be all full of the spirit now, Jesus mused, but I
bet he loses his head over some woman before it's all over.

   Nope, it was going to be a lonely trip to Phonecia.  Jesus led Jezebel
out of the stable and set off.

   "Taking you home, Jezebel," Jesus told the donkey.  "Taking you back to
the painted ladies you were named after.  And not so damn long after- you
old ass!"

   "Teaching the dumb to speak?" came a voice from behind a wall.

   It was Timothy.  That was trouble.  Timothy was harmless enough in his
own way, but Jesus knew he couldn't be trusted to keep his mouth shut.

   "You're talking, aren't you?" Jesus replied.

   Witty repartee aside, Jesus wished he'd never bragged about being the
son of god.  It wasn't so much that they didn't believe him, it was that
they didn't care if he was.  He could be god to the rest of the world, but
in Nazareth, he was just Jesus, a blue-eyed, blonde step-son in a world of
swarthy, dark-haired, brown-eyed Jews.

   "I'm taking a road trip!" Jesus decided to meet the problem head-on. 
"I'm going to Phonecia to see the painted ladies."

   It was the only thing that would work.  He didn't have to take Timothy
all the way to Phonecia.  He could shake him off in Cana and let him find
his way back home.  All he needed was a good head start before the search
parties were out looking for him.

   "You're going to get a beating, " Timothy warned.

   "You betcha," Jesus said, "but it's going to be worth it.  Naked women-
fucking right in the Temple.  That's their religion, you know."

   Timothy was uneasy with Jesus using the begat word.  He stared at the
ground.

   "Naked right down to their feet," Jesus knew that would get Timothy. 
"Painted toes, toes with rings, just everything you can imagine."

   "Shit!" Timothy groaned as a wet stain spread on the front of his robe.

   He wished he'd never told Jesus about that.  He couldn't help it.  It
was just the way he was.

   "Come on, I promise it'll be worth it.  Dad-damn it, I bet I can even
come up with something that will get us out of that beating," Jesus said.
"Jezebel can carry us both."

   And verily they set out upon the journey into Phonecia, land of temple
prostitutes and knowing for the not-yet-knowing.  But it was not verily
Jezebel could carry them both.  They had to take turns riding and walking
as they made their way to Cana.

   At first Jesus thought to skirt the town and maybe send Timothy for
something so that he could sneak away, but Timothy was suspicious and
didn't take the bait.  As it turned out, no one yet knew of Jesus leaving-
at least not in Cana and he was treated to food and quarters by his
relatives there.

   They also found there a young man named Luke, who Jesus knew slightly.
Luke had a donkey, Nicodemus, and a hankering to see things beyond the fig
trees surrounding Cana.  Verily, Jesus spake unto Luke and recruited him
(and Nicodemus) into their travels.

   "For, lo, and verily, the women of Phonecia have large, round breasts
that they leave unfetterd and uncovered," Jesus spake unto Luke.

   From each according to his gifts to each according to his needs, thought
Jesus, and then decided not to be that dialectic about it.  And Luke
believed and threw his lot (and Nicodemus) in with Jesus.  And yet Jesus
had not so long to wait to enter into the mysteries of being a man.  For
there at the way side was a woman of the way side, plying her wayside
trade.

   "Come into unto me and know me for a shekel," she cried after the way of
a woman of the way side.

   Behold, Jesus put his hand into his money bag and drew out a shekel and
in his hand it became three.  These he tossed to the lady saying, "For me
and my friends."

   But his followers were sore afraid.

   "No, Jesus, for she is diseased and poxy," warned Luke, afraid of her
sores, "there are scabs and sores on the business end of the woman.  it is
told often in my village."

   "Verily I say unto you," spake Jesus, "'tis no more than a lie told you
to keep you a boy."

   And so speaking, Jesus threw up the robes of the lady of the way side
and uncovered her nakedness for them all to see.  Lo, it was as if she had
lain with no man and her blemish was stained whiter than snow.

   Indeed she was as a woman that had never known man when Jesus hopped on
top of her and knew her hard and deep.

   "Oh my lord!  Thou are magnificent and beyond all other men in the ways
of lying with a maid," the woman said to Jesus.

   "I bet you say that to all the men that know you," Jesus said wisely.

   Strutting a little more proudly and leaving Luke and Timothy to ride
upon the asses, Jesus led them into the wilderness of the plains of
Genessaret.  For in his wisdom he realized that pursuit would assume they
would take the road to Ptolemais and he set his course for Kedesh. 
Besides, Kedesh was closer to Galilee and Jesus felt more comfortable among
his own people.

   And as they crossed the wilderness, behold, a man came to Jesus,
speaking in friendly tones.

   "I see, young master, That there are three of you and yet you have but
two asses," said the man.  "If you would but pray, would not your heavenly
father send you another ass so you might ride?"

   "I know you," Jesus said.  "And I'm not falling for that old pray for an
ass line.  Anyway, hasn't he already sent an ass?"

   And Luke and Timothy were sore afraid and cowered.

   "Who is this man that does question you so?" Luke asked Jesus.

   "Just a guy that used to work for my old man, "Jesus said, "but he got
fired and he's been trying to wreck the family business ever since."

   "But then you must be hungry, so far in the wilderness, could you not
pray for a feast and would not your father provide as he did for the
Hebrews following Moses?" the man asked.

   "I said bugger off, Satan," Jesus spake boldly.  "For you have already
fallen in your pride.  And see what it got you?  A bit part in this stupid
parody."

   "But you would have to summon forth the angels to drive me away, would
you not?" Satan inquired.

   "Not if I kick you square in the nuts," Jesus said, and Satan slunk away
hurridly.

   And verily, no pursuit reached the trio as they travelled north through
the wilderness and in but a short time they looked up on the city of
Kedesh.

   "Willikers!" Luke ejacualted upon seeing the city of stone.  "It is not
Tyre, nor even Ptolemais, yet it makes Jerusalem look like a donkey pen."

   "It is sweet," spake the Lord.

   Upon entering the gates, they came upon a man of the city wearing what
looked like a beehive on his head.  And the man spake to them.

   "From your dress and your manner, I say you are Hebrews," the beehive
hat guy observed.  "Then take warning that none here wish to hear the sad
tale of your dour and forbidding god."

   "Hey!" spake Jesus, "Lay off the old man.  He's not as bad as you think.
And you want some preaching, next time you see a Jew, ask him about what
happened to Sodom and take heed."

   And Luke and Timothy heard but did not understand these words.  For
Timothy, on his part, had soiled his robe once again.  Jesus saw the stain
spread and looked quickly for the culprit.  She was slinking away, feet
dyed red to the ankles.

   "Well, at least Timothy is enjoying himself," Jesus said.  "Now let's
the rest of us get to the temple."

   And they left Timothy with the donkeys and set out to find the temple.
And lo, the temple of Astarte, also called Ishtar was huge and columned and
surrounded by statues bedecked with garb and painted like most of the
populace.

   "Oh woe!" cried Luke.  "They have sorcerers that turn men to stone."

   For Luke had never seen graven images in Galilee.

   "No," comforted Jesus, "These people are idolators.  They're allowed to
make graven images.  Those are statues carved from stone."

   "Are they real?" asked Luke.

   "Real statues," Jesus answered him, "But not real people."

   Yet the marvels of the temple surpassed graven images.  As Jesus had
prophesied, there were many women with large, round breasts that were left
unfetterd and uncovered and Luke was wonderous.  There were those in thin,
diaphonous covering and some with only trinkets arrayed as cover to their
nakedness.  Many they were and mostly available in the heathen custom of
holy prostitution.

   And verily Jesus walked straight to the inner temple where stood the
most comely of all the women.  Six foot she was, with something that looked
like a bad reed basket as a wig upon her head.  Her large, round breasts
were adorned with figures and through one of the faucets of life she had
thrust a ring.  Upon her shoulder was a tattoo of an ibis and upon her
thigh was the mark of the all-seeing eye.

   "So, babe, you busy?" Jesus spake.

   "I see you are a stranger to our ways, so I will council you," saith the
priestess.  "I am the Goddess incarnate and may only sleep with the king.
For our congress will insure felicity on all our lands for at least a
year."

   "Men will call me king one day, king of the Jews, but I won't be in any
condition- or position- or mood- for congress at that point," Jesus
prophesied.

   "So say You, but what sign can you give me?" the Goddess asked.

   "How about this?" Jesus asked and opened his robes to show her his organ
of generation.  "I call him my little Pope.  In about a millenia, people
will hear that and laugh."

   And Luke marvelled.  For he had seen- not that he was looking or
interested or any abomination like that- that part of the Lord when he was
watering the desert and it had not been that big of a desert waterer then.

   "Well, if you're going to be a king..." The Goddess said and stepped off
her platforms that made her six feet tall.

   And lo, the wailing and gnashing of teeth that came from the chamber
wherein Jesus had gone to lie with the goddess.  Luke was sore afraid that
someone was getting killed in there.

   And in its own time, it came to pass that Jesus emerged, cloaked in a
nimbus of bright light that made Luke squint.  There was upon his face a
smile like as bright.

   "Don't sweat the light, Luke," Jesus spake, saying, "It's a special
effect you get when communing with the gods- like when Moses talked to
Dad."

   And yea, the Goddess emerged and she was changed.  The rush basket that
served as her wig was askew and the ring that once graced her breast was
now in her nose.  Luke also thought the ibis and the eye had switched
places.

   And her eyes looked but did not seem to see.

   "I see you noticed," Jesus spake.  "She came apart a little bit in the
excitement and I wasn't sure where everything went.  Now it's time to get
you laid."

   And they sought a fine woman of Phonecia, dyed blue and covered in bits
of chain and disks that seemed to be coins- and covered nothing.  And lo,
the disturbance in Luke's robes told them that she was the one.

   "But how shall I pay for this?" Luke asked.  "For surely these women
don't do it for shekels as they do at home."

   "Fair point," said Jesus and Jesus reached into his pouch- for temple
prostitues in Phonecia like the money up front and, Lo!  The shekels in his
pouch were turned to gold dinars.

   "Crikeys!" thought Luke.  "Maybe I don't want to be a doctor.  Maybe I
should look into being a carpenter like Joseph.  That's a lot of cash!"

   And Jesus paid for Luke and politely turned his back while Luke gave it
a go.

   Accomplished and satisfied, the two then went to find Timothy and the
donkeys.  And behold, there stood another of those guys in the beehive hats
holding Timothy by the scruff of the neck.

   "What you doing with him?" Jesus inquired.

   "You know this thief?" the beehat guy asked.  "Perhaps you are more of
the same."

   "And maybe I just fucked your mother in the temple," Jesus said.  "Now
what did he do?"

   "He fell upon one of our women and was trying to suck the rings off her
toes," the man said.

   Timothy grinned sheepishly.

   "And did you find rings in his mouth?" Jesus asked.

   "No, and I searched most throughly," said the man.

   "And I bet I know what you searched with," Jesus said, "But you found
nothing so let him go."

   And the man set Timothy down and Timothy spat.  And lo, Timothy would
spit until the end of his days in the memory of his mouthsearching by the
Phonecian.

   And in the wilderness Jesus had a vision.  While they stopped by the
roadside, the whole plan was open to him.

   "Now I will tell you guys how you will avoid the beating that waits for
you," Jesus preached.

   "You will say that moor slavers took you- and the donkeys- and were off
to sell you at market.  And in the night a dream came to you.  It told you
to strangle the camels and ride the moors to safety - which was the way you
escaped," Jesus explained.  "Now get it right.  Strangle the camels and
ride the moors.  Confusing crap like that always makes them think it's a
sign.  Yhey wouldn't believe a reasonable story."

   "But what of You?" asked Luke.  "How will You avoid the brutality that
will surely come?"

   "I guess I can't," Jesus prophesied.  "Seems that's the way Dad wants
it. And my dad isn't one to get on the bad side of."

   And verily they returned home and the same was in the interim with god.
   Amen.  ###