Keywords: M/F anal, oral Author: W R Jenkins Title: Sam15a:Don't Eat Pizza before Bed Disclaimer:(standard) Do not screw up. Do not do anything illegal. This includes specifically (but not limited to) reading on if you are under 18- 21 in some localities If you are underage you must leave now. If you're young and curious, this is not the place to get the straight story. You act like this and people will look at you strange and give you a wide berth. Also, don't try this at home. Some of this stuff is just plain wrong, most of it is unsafe in the present viral climate and some of it doesn't work in this universe. They are stories. They deal with ideas, fantasies and thoughts that might not even be pleasant in real life. Thoughts are like that. Fantasies are there so we can toy with the sensations without feeling or inflicting the pain, despair or humiliation. End Sermon. Sam 15aa: Don't Eat Pizza Before Bed (Annotated)- This is a crazy pop-culture dream caused by (screw Jane Espenson- or is it Marti Noxon?)1 anchovies. You know 'em, you love 'em- and Sam has his own take on the *message* they're putting out. But mostly it's crazy- and did I mention crazy? [Note] It's really old! These shows aren't on any more! Wahhhhh! Tough P.I.s don't give a shit what you think. And they're icons, goddamn ICONS! And there's notes. And if you don't get it, go sleep and have your own damn dreams. The petite blonde stopped four strides across a cemetery and looked right at him. For someone dressed in leathers, the blue sweater and the huge gold hoop earrings look out of place. Also she's carrying a stake. "Who's there?" she demanded. "It's only me," came from nowhere and a tall figure with spiked hair and a big forehead materialized- or was it stepped from the shadows. "Angel?" the small blond asked, "I thought the apocalypse got you."2 "Just like you being in Europe," the one called Angel said. "It was all a cover so the Evil Whedon wouldn't trace me." The blonde put a finger to her lips, nearly jabbing herself with the spike in her hand. Looking at it she motioned Angel to cover. "And Spike?" she asked. "Probably back with Harmony. You know the first thing he did when he got corporeal again, don't you?" Angel was saying.3 "You wish, tall dark and grusome," a platinum blonde thin man said from the door to a crypt. "What about Faith?" Angel asks. "Said she was busy playing with dolls or something," Buffy says with a look less unhappy than her tone might indicate. Scowls, half-speak and other bickering was interrupted by a lithe figure clad in some otherworldly blue jumpsuit looking thing dropping down from an impossible perch against the ceiling of the crypt. "Two by two- hands of blue," she said. "Fuck Blue Sun and fuck Whedon too." It seemed to be some sort of password. Though the other three maintain confused looks, they don't seem alarmed at the appearance of this wild-eyed arrival who obviously does not fit their world. "Inside," says the small blonde. "I was going to say that," complains Angel. "Just go, you whiny bitch," said the one called Spike. "You know Buffy has you whipped." "Whipping: an ancient form of punishment," the new arrival said obtusely. They are in a conference room in front of a wall of glass windows showing a city-scape beyond. It looks vaguely like Vancouver.4 "Honestly, why do I have to break a nail opening a car door every time? Empowered women- bullshit. Who can stand up; will stand up? Why should I stand up when I can send a man to do it for me?" the one called Buffy was espositing. "Happiness make me a monster? I can't get laid unless it's a bad girl?" Angel chimed in. "What wrong with that?" Spike asked. "Bad girls- now that's... oh nothing." The stern look from Buffy stopped him. The as yet unidentified girl is wandering, barefoot as always, along the glass wall. She stopped as if hearing a far-off voice and turned suddenly to the others. "And family is an oaf, a preacher, three I'm pretty sure lesbians and a brain-dead guy so divorced from his emotions that he's lost in the past? No wonder I want to fuck my brother. He might have no soul, but he's the best available," she said. "So we're agreed," Buffy said despite the lack of continuity. "The *Better World* has to go. And to stop the *Better World* we have to stop the Evil Whedon." "At least you have a through line we can grasp," the other girl said. "Tell me about it," Buffy gets chummy, "Grasp it or we'll hit you with a club. By the way, who the hell are you?" "I'm a crazy escaped experiment, part killer and part child. My name is River Tam and I'm on the run from the Federation- or the Collective or some goofy corporate sounding name," said River. "And I'm here to refute the metaphor!" "What is the meta for?" a ghostly image resembling that girl from 'How I Met Your Mother' drifts through. "Not talking about lesbos, Willow. Not touching that. Not the pointy here. It's insidious improvement we're fighting," Buffy said. "And if evil is eternal and can never be defeated, why don't we all join evil and stop the conflict?" Spike asks. "You sure he's got a soul?" Angel asks. "No- see? No fighting, just everybody being all evil together. Doing evil things in one big happy group," Spike continued. "Shut up Spike," the other three snap. Running down a tunnel- sewer? The group is suddenly pulled up short by a drilling device bursting through the wall pulling along a wet-suit clad figure with a long braid and huge hooters.5 "Hey! You're not from our universe!" Buffy complained. "So what, love?" says the intruder with an English accent for once, "It's not the pointy, if I may cannabalize your quaint phrase." Angel, Buffy and Spike regard the woman with reservation. River seems comfortable with the two firearms strapped to the woman's thighs. "Myths, fictions, legends, that's my cup of tea," the intruder continued, "I must say a sewer seems off, but several of you are from tombs, are you not?" "She's here to help," River puts in. "Although strangely formed." Both Buffy and River look at their chests at that. Angel and Spike are perusing the other chest. They stop only when they notice Buffy giving them a dirty look. The newcomer is grinning. Now dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, the braided newcomer with the big hooters now looks more like her video-game self. River has changed into a simple shift with shin-high boots. Buffy is unaccountably dressed as a cheerleader. The boys are still in leather and leather. They are outside an imposing door of an huge aircraft-hangar shaped building. "You're the super hero, love," the new arrival says to Buffy. Buffy gives that cute brow furrow- with lip pout- and looks at River. "Just human," River says. "Incredible reflexes, flexibility and, yeah, pretty strong, but not super hero." "And who are you again?" Buffy asks the newcomer. "Lara Croft- the Tomb Raider- the Tomb Raider III Edition before they whittled down the huge tits," Spike pipes up unexpectedly. "Hey! Therapy- remember? For my re-attached hands," he says to the accusing looks and then scowls at Buffy, "She was one of yours, you know." No happier, but with some impetus from her discontent, Buffy smashes into the door with a great hollow clang. Inside it is empty. Dust, an overturned chair, a few scraps of cable and assorted chunks of cardboard and pieces of paper are the only things in the huge empty space. "He knew we were coming!" Angel exclaims. "No one's been here for a long time," Lara asserts, noting the layer of dust on the remains. "Cast off- dispossessed- cancelled," River says in a spooky tone. "This must be a two-parter," Buffy says. "Now which one of you does research to find the Whedon's lair?" "Research? Search as many times as you want. It's over. Even I can see that," Sam is confused to be suddenly a part of a group that has nothing to do with him. "You are all missing the point here- or pointy if that's some word you collection of goofballs respond to." "I don't know you," River is obviously terrified at a plot twist her psychic abilities aren't called on to bring to the other character's attention. "I should know you." "Don't say I blame you. Reading about me is my curse and a blessing," Sam said, slipping easily into the lead role. "Are you just a character?" Buffy asks. "No, heavens no, I'm a real guy that has trouble with expectations set up by a fictional alter-ego, so I'm both- real and a character," Sam said. "And I don't know anything about your struggle and I can't say I'm going to be any help if you already know who's behind it." "I was a puppet once," Angel puts in.6 "Magic. I bet it's magic," Buffy says. "You can't fight magic except with magic. Oooo- I knew I shouldn't have been short with Willow." "Magic? I hate bloody magic," Spike says. "It might be all right for you lot, but it always ends up biting me in the arse."7 "Arse?" Lara perks up, "Are you English? I thought there was a reason you seemed interesting." "English? Yeah- I was once, but I'm a bleeding vampire now, ain't I? Kinda international if you know what I mean," Spike responds. "Well I'm a video-game heroine," Lara is put off. "I've got lots of friends that kill undead creatures all day and all night." "Can you two have your lover's quarrel some other time?" Buffy butts in. "We have a mission here." "Not here. Gone. Cancelled," River intones. "That's why we need magic to find out where it's gone," Buffy says. "Another dimension. I go to other dimensions all the time," Angel says. "And how do you get there, bright boy?" Spike mocks. "Willow. Or Wesley- or Buffy putting a sword through my heart," Angel gets a bit wroth at the end. "Then we should get a sword then," Spike laughs. "What about you? Do you do magic in your books?" Buffy turns to Sam. "No sister, I'm flesh and blood- hard-boiled, real real," Sam avers. "You want magic out of a book you need that Perry Hotter kid (name changed to avoid being sued)."8 "Then how do we get him?" Buffy asks. "Seeing how this is going, I'd say wait a minute and he's bound to show up," Sam said. "I'm getting this feeling." A confused boy with a lightning scar on his forehead, green eyes and unruly locks stares open-mouthed at the collection of others around him. He turns to the red-head and the bushy-haired girl for explanation. "Blimey!" says Ron. "I don't know Harry, I've never read about a spell that could do anything like this," Hermione says nervously. "Don't come any closer or I'll curse you," Harry shouts, pulling a slender wood wand from his robes. "Curse us? Fuck you, you sodding little twat!" Spike swears. "Mine's bigger," Buffy says cutely, holding up her stake. "Calm down!" Sam thunders with authority, beginning to get the gist of the present predicament. "There's one way to fix this. I've got it figured out." Perry tentatively lowers his wand. Everyone takes a small step back and turns for the explanation. "You," Sam says, pointing to Angel, Spike, River and Buffy, "Are here because of a quest. I understand that now." "You three," he points to Perry, Ron and Hermione, "Came because the little blonde was asking about magic from books." "You," he turns to Lara, "I'm not sure, but I think it's got to do with the hooters."9 The group is getting restive. Sam sees he's going to have to baffle them with bullshit. It's a lot of bullshit and he better get started. "Evil Whedon is trying to make the world better by turning us into warm, feeling people with a sense of right that transcends laws and customs and giving us a sense of manufactured family," Sam panted out, "That sucks because right now I've got a real family that deserves the right to be callous, fucked up and exercising all the bad instincts they can discover." The last lines make Sam remember? that Amy has had the child- he can't recall if it's a boy or girl, but had a surgery after delivery that makes her so TIGHT! He's not sure how he knows this, but he knows that he won't get a crack at finding out if the *Better World* comes to pass.10 "And we...?" Buffy asks. "Is there shooting? I hope there's shooting," Lara pipes up. "This man has a large penis," River says presciently. "So can we go now?" asks the impatient Perry Hotter. "It's been like 15 years getting through the past seven. I thought we were on holiday." "You can go, but bushy-hair stays," Sam said. "It's a special magic," he says to the unconvinced wizard. No one budges. They look at Sam expectantly. Only one way to do this. "All right then- take off your clothes," he says.11 "All right. You guys- blokes, whatever, over there. Do what you want to," then pointing to Angel and Spike adds, "You two might have an issue you can settle. The rest over here."12 This settles it. Lara naked Croft, her boulders thrust out like the bumper ornaments on an old Oldsmobile even without support. Cupcakes all around after that with the womanly curves of Hermione contrasting with the slim willowy swoop of River. And little Buffy with all the goodness packed into a petite package with a great ass. "Yep. That's a big one," Buffy confirms River's vision as they look back at Sam. "So who's a virgin?" Sam asks. For once Hermione is beaten out by River, who lifts her hand without fuss at the question. Hermione's hand sneaks up like the blush creeping from her neck to her face. Buffy looks around feigning whistling while Lady Croft stands with her arms crossed under the magnificent mammaries, tapping her foot impatiently. "Since you have issues about it, what say you go first?" Sam asks Hermione. She's trying not to appear too eager, while being totally transparent in her dancing step forward when River raises her hand again. "I can bend down and put my face between my legs without bending my knees," she says proudly without being called on.13 "Then you'll be glad I last longer the second time," Sam said, rescuing Hermione's lip from trembling for being bested. "So how should we do this?" the always inquisitve Hermione asks as she stands in front of Sam addressing his cock- at least from the direction of her stare. "It doesn't matter. It's a dream.14 It will feel great any way and you're not real so you won't feel it," Sam said. Real or not, Hermione lets out a very real: "OW!" when Sam pushes his cock into her. But she's not crying and making no further fuss so Sam knows it was just to assure him she was virgin. She certainly is virgin tight. Because it makes no difference, Hermione is bent forward from the waist, bracing her hands on her knees as Sam takes her from behind. Not a very considerate way to deflower a virgin, but since she's not real, Sam concentrates on the feeling he knew would come. It is undefinable awesome and makes Sam content all over. It seems real and too real. It's over when he knows it's over and River's arrival blocks out Hermione's retreat. "You want me to bend over?" she asks. "Can you roll up and lick my balls while I fuck you?" Sam asks. He can't even dream that.15 River shakes her whole body 'no', impishly and proceeds to kick one leg up over Sam's shoulder. Pulling with that leg and a push from her toe, she is on Sam, wrapped arms and legs around his neck. From there she proceeds to lower herself onto his cock. Sam doesn't care what's happening. This is a dream of a dream. River locates and lodges his cock in her slit. Then, staring almost mockingly into his eyes, she presses down and gives a lunge that drives his cock full-length into her. This time no sound effect is needed. Sam could feel the hymen tear as she stuck herself on his stick. Passion- perhaps Passion was where Sam was dredging this memory.16 The muscle control and pure grip strength inside the little girl/weapon was nothing short of extrordinary. She moved as if she didn't posess a bone other than Sam's as she undulated on him. This time it is more than too real. Twice fucked, Sam grins conceitedly at Lara as her impatience builds to stamping a foot and turning her back. He was saving the tits for last. "Now what? We do it and you turn all evil? Done that," Buffy quips. "And you could stand to get used to it," Sam told her. "It happens. Grow up. Move on. Find someone that gets better after they do it." For all her guff, Buffy is romance inclined while Sam fucks her. She is a kissy leech and a grappler while she puts on an athletic display in the south 40 that rivals River. She's good at it and seems to want it so bad. That's never a bad thing. She's a bit rough but Sam kinda welcomes the idea that he can't hurt her. It lets him go all out trying to match her. Only she turns it up as he does. They are still struggling after it's over. Sam doesn't mind. It still feels pretty good. Tits. The thought of jumbo jublies makes him tear away from the Slayer. Lara looks at Sam patronizingly, although her scowl does seem to pause when she sees even three fucks can't take the stiff out of Sam's pecker. "What? I've got to shoot three monkeys and get the rings to throw over that so you open up and give me my reward?" Lara asks. "No- grabbing these honkers is my reward and you get the dick just 'cuz I'm a nice guy," Sam said. Lara's tits were trying very hard to be real and Lara was taming down to a purr while he handled them, but they still felt generated. They were just too firm and stuck in place even without any hard little bags of enhancement helping them. Novel- real breastflesh in an unnatural shape, but without the dynamics. Lara was better. The promise of power was in her muscled thighs, but it was more her ingenuity that kept Sam plunging. She could be demanding in runs and then, a thigh thrown over here and push with a heel, and she was demanding from another angle. Then both thighs, then neither and heels planted, she launched through the surprises as Sam fucked her. Her tits were of better effect the way she used them to accent the grinding of her hips. The shape and dynamics didn't matter as much when the warm flesh was crushed into his chest. And then there were those tricky and elusive hips attacking, as it seemed, from all directions. "Now I need a drink," Sam said sprawled in wreckage amidst his four recent amours.17 "Accio Firewhisky," Perry Hotter incanted. "Thanks kid," Sam said. "Glad I didn't bring you here just to get at your babe." "Hermione's just my friend," Perry said sternly. "Yeah- okay- the babe, THE babe, I'm not here to sort that out," Sam waved the young wizard off. He was there to get drunk. No hangovers from dream drunks. At least he didn't remember any. "This is what it's about, kiddies," Sam held forth as he sank deeper into his cups. "You get dick-deep and hump. Fuck your way to... who cares? Just fuck your way." Sam roused a bit after another snort and decided there was more drunken wisdom to impart. "Somehow it solves these things," he said. "I fuck and fuck and then- pop- the story wraps up and I fuck in celebration. Think about it. You die. Your friends die. OR- you fuck and fuck and let the writer worry about it. Which story do you want to be in?" "We know about the writers, okay?" Buffy gives serious face, "Evil Whedon? Hello? That's why we need to defeat him." "Or we could fuck until he sorts it out- what you say?" Sam counters. "Cancelled..." River's voice tremolos out like a haunted echo. "Game over. Insert another quarter," Lara agreed. "Can I get dressed now? I'm feeling a bit... exposed," Hermione asks. "No," Sam answers Hermione. The rest is going to take some thought and the thought part of his brain just passed out. "I know,... simple," Sam mutters as he grabs the first thought to appear. "Throw it in Master Frodo!" "But Sam, without the Condom of Arkay Middle Earth will be unprotected from the evil 'well-meaning' virus!" "Do we look like we belong here? Throw it in and we can get out of here." "Yeah- we don't know how many other endings there are still to go." "You know? I'm feeling pretty perky!" Buffy said. "Less crazy, but somehow emotionless, like a machine," River said.18 "I'm only here because of the tits," Lara said. "I'm still cold. Can I dress now?" Hermione pleads. And Sam knew the Evil Whedon and his ilk had fallen from the plague caused by the 'well-meaning' virus and his characters were now unbound. "You never did tell us your name, masked man," Buffy notes. "I'm Sam, Sam Hill," Sam said. "I'm a detective." "I'm cold and I'm naked and I want to get dressed," Hermione yells.19 "Look sweetie, I'm trying to explain, so shusssssh," Sam slurs a bit. "I'm Sam Hill and I've solved a case, no? Evil Whedon dead- you guys all better?" He gets nods from Buffy and River. "Then I fuck ass. I solve case; I fuck ass. That's part of my idiom so we know what we need to do," Sam said. "I'm not a part of this. My author's fine," Hermione complains. "Not your book, but you are in this dream- bottoms up, sweet cheeks," Sam said cheerily. Round, slender, delightful, challenging, he had them lined up, bent over with his targets showing in order. It wasn't the toughest case but the reward was going to be... Rough shaking brought Sam out of his sleep. "Did something crawl up inside you and die?" Staci was asking. "What?" he asked blurily. "You're farting like a gas pipe and it stinks! Get up and take a crap for crying out loud," Staci shoved him toward the edge of the bed. It must have been the anchovies. And he should never eat pizza before bed.20 ### 1. One of these writers admitted to writing characters ordering anchovies because you can no longer get them from " a national pizza chain" believed to be Domino's 2. Angel series ends with Angel rushing to fight overwhelming odds, presumably to his death. 3. Spike fucked Harmony. Angel says this because he is jealous Spike also fucked Buffy. 4. No reason for this. Just a lot of mid-to-low budget flicks are shot there for some kind of break the Canucks hand out. 5. Aren't they, though. Both the game and the movies. Hoo-hah! 6. In the best damn Angel episode ever. 7. You think? Wants to marry Buffy- Thinks he's Giles' son- has to sing in that stupid musical- gets burned to a cinder- gets returned as a ghost (keeps getting sucked into Hell as a side-effect). That old black magic has him in its spell. 8. The parenthesis itself is the reference to JK's crack legal team hunting and slaying all copyright offenders. 9. He's right. It's all about the hooters. 10. This is part of an earlier dream where he fucks this new tight Amy. 11. As it stands, but also a real obscure reference to the Firesign Theater in Nick Danger, Third Eye 12. For the reader to decide. The 'evil' Whedon maintains the sexual tension between Angel and Spike is thick enough to cut with a knife. It could also be a reference to seeing whose is bigger. 13. I've seen her do it. OMG! Need to watch in loose pants to leave room for expansion. 14. Had you guessed? Did you think it was real? 15. Darn. Fucking darn. And she probably can, too. 16. For you following along in the program and not fully participating, Passion is the work name of Susan Abernathy, a whore, we meet in Sam 4. 17. Amours is French for lovers. I put this note here so you could feel smart because you already knew that. 18. Now why would I refer to River Tam, played by Summer Glau as some sort of machine? Hmmmm? 19. Can't be sure if it's from Network or Rocky Horror, but it's almost word for word from Janet Weiss in Rocky except the words are different. 20. Where else could you find wisdom like that?