The following is not a story - it's an answer to a reader question. I've been posting my memoirs on ASSTR for a while now and a lot of them deal with my drug use and addiction. Someone asked me about their own kids and drugs - another parent like me trying to keep the progeny off pot and pills. I've pretty much been drug free for over 15 years, but before that, I spent the last part of my teenage years and my early adulthood doing a lot of drugs. Every former addict has stories about bad decisions that no one wants to hear, so instead of doing that I thought I might do something positive. The following is advice and perspective for parents who suspect or know that their kids have been involved with drugs. I'm not going to change the world with anything here - but there are some things that should be said I don't' think school and government programs should say but don't, and I think that if you put them in your thinking you'll find your challenges easier. Here goes. 1) Don't destroy your credibility by having the wrong argument Parents often ask themselves "what's wrong" with their kids lives or their own lives when they find their kid is taking drugs. Parents blame themselves and ask kids questions like "why would you do this?" or even "why would you do this to me?" Questions like this make you look clueless and out of touch. If you are going to talk to your kids - start with the simple but difficult realization that drugs have some qualities that are attractive to teens. Getting high on pot or speed is fun and the world really is more interesting for a little while after a joint - and for those teen girls that worry about how every stitch of clothing they put on and every word they say will be taken by their peers pot can really take the edge off. Cocaine,speed and designer drugs can do some pretty interesting things too. We know the stuff can kill you, but this isn't Draino they are drinking nor are they randomly putting loaded guns in their mouths. No one dies from smoking a joint So my point is: Drugs can be fun and they aren't scary to kids. That point made, when talking with your kids start with the premise that there is a legitimate attraction here. (Just like kids discovering sex - in many ways its the same thing.) You'll connect with your kids faster if you don't lose focus or credibility by starting with stance that kids are doing them because they are rebelling, suicidal, or looking to punish you. Why are they doing it? They are doing it because a friend told them that it was fun. And guess what? If they tried it they know it is. Try to argue otherwise and the friends appear honest and you don't. Do you really want to start the conversation by digging yourself into a hole? Your problem is that kids don't understand the dangers of drugs nor how they destroy your life. You can't win arguing that drugs aren't fun so don't. Accept that they are so you can get past the point and move onto the real issue. 2) Realize this problem is bigger than your kid - You need to fight the whole problem. Drugs come ready made social clique for friend that are very accepting of new converts and eager to bring new users into the fold. When you take on drug use, you aren't just taking on pot or meth - your taking on a social network. Chances are good that if you kids are smoking dope or otherwise getting high, so are the people around them. Kids who do drugs hang with kids who do drugs. Once a kid is brought into the lifestyle - and it really can be a lifestyle, you're not just fighting a habit or addiction. You're fighting for your child's time and attention versus his friends. You have to take on the whole problem. It's tough, but if you suspect your child, you need to take the time to find the parents or your friends and reach out. Let them know what you suspect or what you know. Count on the fact that they love their kids too and will be concerned. Get everyone aware and watching and talking about the problem. Too many parents find evidence of drug use and put their kids on restriction or some punishment that ends eventually. If you do that and then let the kid return to the same social circle, you've just created a "catch and release program" that guarantees the kid will re-offend. If, on the other hand, you worked with the parents of the other members of the social circle you probably broke the usage cycle or at the very least created the idea that your kids parents are tattle tales. When kids know your kid getting busted means they get busted, you find they get invited to do drugs less often. 3) Recognize that if your kids are taking drugs, they are probably having sex. Every drug is a date rape drug. I'll repeat that. Every drug is a date rape drug. The unvarnished truth is that a lot of boys give girls drugs because it makes it easier to get into their pants. Any boy and can recite the same little rhyme. "If they smoke, they'll poke" and if a girl likes the hard stuff it's the key to making their little wet dreams are likely to come true faster. It's not that boys are evil - they're just boys - and drugs have helped many a male teen find his way to the next base on a Friday night. That's what boys want and they do what works. If this was the whole problem - it would be a big one. Boys are a big part of why girls learn to use drugs. But to dismiss this as the whole problem would be to let girls off the hook too easy because the fact is that drug culture supplies their needs too. Girls who do drugs are usually pretty popular with boys for all the reasons listed above. In fact, it could easily said that a girl who will lose her inhibitions and self-respect for a taste of the bad candy is going to be a popular girl indeed - and will likely not only have a date anytime she wants one, but will find a free and plentiful supply of drugs as well. What makes this connection so horrible is the realization that they like it - both the boys and the girls. A couple sharing drugs and sex enable and expand each others addictions. A girl who's tasted popularity enabled through a coke spoon or tab of E is getting the same validation as the girl who wins the homecoming crown and that is an addiction of its' own. A guy who uses drugs is probably popular with girls who use drugs and if he isn't he still knows that women who get high will be more likely to like him. For gay kids, drug culture has an incredible allure- there is little judgment of others in the drug community, getting high lowers barriers and dampens self-doubt and there are no shortage of partners available. So if you catch your kid doing drugs, make it a priority to get them to a VD clinic. The event is life changing and embarrassing if you go with them. It creates a negative memory they'll remember even if they turn out to be clean and you'll probably the doctor can provide you with good information to help you as a parent fight the drug problems. But don't assume your drug-using kids will be clean and don't be surprised if they aren't. Safe sex requires good judgment and condom use requires some manual dexterity and advance planning. They tend to sleep around a lot more and have more sex partners than non users - and therefore have a higher rate of STDS. By definition, drugs are illegal and therefore risky behavior they have learned to enjoy and that's a breeding ground for unsafe sex. Just pray the only thing they wind up with are the diseases that we use to worry about. A simple case of the clap is not a big deal compared to a disease that could kill them quickly and in ways that will break your heart. (It happens every day.) 4) Drug dealers are predators No argument - people in the drug trade are not good people and where drugs are sold, bad things happen. Forget the casual pot dealer you used to buy from in high school. Today's dealers are ruthless entrepreneurs with the business and personal ethics of Bernie Madoff. Simple economics are that pot is bulky, small margin and has a low average revenue per user. Compare that to pills and powders and it's clear where the profits are. That's' why modern drug dealer is all about the upsell. Do you know when a lot of kids first try speed? It's when they tried to buy pot on Saturday and the dealer doesn't have supply. That's quite a problem when you've got a big date coming and you promised your girl a good high. The same can be said for almost every drug. Another time kids try speed for the first time is when they've been partying with a dealer and its time to drive home. That little bump of meth offered - usually free - to get them sober enough to go home. Calling pot a gateway drug seems like a bad joke, but there's no doubt that you shop for pot and the harder drugs at all the same places and that kids often upgrade to what's next based on sampling, special offers and product substitution strategies. Your neighborhood pot dealer problem was too stoned to think about the bottom line, but today's business is more high stakes and the cost of doing business is higher. Retail strategies aside, today's dealers understand how to cater to their users. A lot of female drug users lose their virginity in a spare bedroom at a dealer's house - because guys know they can always count on their drug dealer to help them get laid. It's just good business. So they have homes with extra bedrooms, hold small parties and encourage couples to smoke the dope in the living room but retire to a more private place to share that small quantity of coke they've sold them and they politely ignore it when couples don't return for an hour or more at a time. It's not just a virginity issue either. Lots of sex goes on in dealers places of business, and it's not at all rare for the dealer to be the one doing the honors - usually after loading your daughter (or son) up on something especially strong. Believe me, this happens. Drug dealers get a lot of sex for a reason. So think about those four things. - Understand the real problem. - Don't try fight it alone. - Understand how it has changed their life - Know the modern drug dealer and fear him. I'll close with a person story from my own experience. A personal story to related on this subject - and by no means the only one I could share - is that one night I wanted some speed bad, so I dropped over at a friend of a friends drug connection to get some and knocked on his door unannounced. He thought he knew me, but wasn't sure, so as a condition of doing business he wanted to make sure I wasn't wearing a wire. That means strip search as a price of doing business. Once I was down to my bra and underwear, that guy did everything short of rape to keep me from putting them back on - including drugging me with heroin and offering me a big quantity totally free if I would lose the rest of my laundry and use my hand to please him while he used his to explore my body a bit. I was 16 - not a virgin but not a whore - but I considered it because I wasn't making good decisions. I even got grief from a friend because I told her about the deal and didn't do it. (After all, it was just a hand job right?) So what's the answer to keeping kids off drugs? Heck, if I knew i wouldn't be here, I'd be off spending my millions. But I know why kids start doing them and I know a bit about the lifestyle. More than I wish I did. All I can say it's worth fighting to keep them away from the predators, the addictions and the bad decisions. Their life might depend on it - and that's not a joke. ##### This work is mine and I reserve all rights. Please do not repost or otherwise use it without my consent. My email address is: twylamarie @ ymail.com. If you have questions or comments, don't hesitate to drop me a note.