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 ï>¿ï>¿A letter to god.

   God, I don't understand.  The rich don't believe in you but they say I
should.  Your people say homosexuals are bad, drugs are bad, and people are
from the devil.  How did you let that happen?  Why do I die but you live
forever?  Why is your destruction justified but mine isn't unless I self
destruct, and then its a sin?  Why is everything I do wrong but you are
right?  Why don't you ever talk to me, unless it's through some person? 
Why are they justified in telling me what to do?  Isn't that brainwashing?

   I blame you, God, for everything.  You made me lose my life, my
happiness, you put people around me that hate me for no reason.  You made
me submit to you, made me give up opportunities in my life- money, sex,
even friendships and relationships, and now I'm miserable, and nobody is
here to help me in the ways I really, really need them to.  You hurt me. 
You were the one that made everyone blame me for things I didn't even do.
You killed my friends.  You destroyed my love life.  My finances are a
wreck, some days I don't even want to get out of bed.  There is nothing to
live for any more.  You gave me a sex drive and then condemn me for having
it.  "Your people" reject me, they are useless, not providing real help
except to be humble and do things yourself, but your people say "leave it
in gods hands".  So I am humble, and leave things in your hands.  But your
hand is too short, you cannot even save yourself from being defamed - how
are you to save me?  And now, there is no reason to be good any more. 
Good, I have learned, is just a construct designed to let the bad guys get
more power.  You were supposed to protect me, to pick me up when I fell. 
You laughed in my face and ignored me, just like the rest of the world did.
I guess I really am on my own and the kindness of strangers.

   If you watched the last 5 years of my life you should've known that I
needed help.  All I got was people lying to my face, even in my own house.
You don't care about me.  You don't care about my needs, and you let bad
things happen, for a reason you say.  What is that reason?  Were they not
loyal enough?  Pious enough?  Did they secretly abuse their children?  Were
they cruel to animals?  Did they rape someone?  How about the ones that are
rapists and still alive, then?  What of the thieves?  Why did you let
everyone lie about me?  I didn't deserve it, and nobody would make them
stop lying.  You turned me into a retard almost overnight, or you let it
happen.  I can't forgive you for that.  You don't love me and now you are
my enemy, because all you've ever done is cripple me and tell me its my
fault for not being all-knowing like you.  But you didn't really help me
fix that.  You didn't help me fix the world you just slave driven me into
the ground.  So now I AM the one to burn it to the ground.  So not only did
you make me give up my hopes and dreams but you bashed my brains in with a
hammer.  You never gave me what I wanted.  I could've had fuck you money.
Now, all I have is fuck you to say, and do.

   Where were you when I was down on my knees?  Where were you when the
altarboy was down on his knees and receiving most unholy communion? 
Seriously, why should I trust you, let alone believe you even exist at all.

   Why does it feel like street drugs are the only drugs that make me sane,
and why are they illegal?  Why don't the ones in power do something about
everyone's pain?  Why does everything cost too much and why do we have
overpopulation because of you?  Why and how did the system trick me into
believing that you were real?  What inhuman monster does such a thing?

   Now I will be the monster.  You've had your turn.  Goodness isn't
rewarded, only bad is rewarded, your books told the truth.  The wicked are
the ones relaxing and nobody is making them afraid.  So for my own sanity,
god, while you sit there relaxing and nobody is making you afraid, know
this: I AM your worst nightmare, and there is no one making me tremble any
more.  Fuck you.  You never gave me anything I wanted, you just had people
give me empty smiles and force fed lies.  Fuck your lies, and fuck your
truth too.  Fuck you in the asshole with a pineapple until you bleed Hitler
tears, you devil son of a bitch.  One day, I'll be the one to take that
ill-gotten honor you love so much away from you.  One day you'll pray to me
to stop, but I won't listen to your cries just like you never listened to
mine, and I will make that French de Sade bastard proud.  What goes around
comes around after all, right?  Burn in the hell I've created for you.  Now
get down on your knees and bark like a dog in front of my most unholy
communion temple.