>I was shambling
>Like a zombie that had sprained an ankle in some dramatic TV
show, and was chasing the first meal i'd seen in days.
>A family of dirty, battered and beaten survivors
>Trapping them in a room with no escape, no weapons to fend me
off.
>Before i sink my teeth into the jugular of one of the
screaming...
>Well it doesn't matter
>I couldn't feel anything.
>The sight of those eyes
>My favorite emerald green eyes
>Wide open, unmoving, upwards

>It turned my faucet of emotions to full
>The pouring deafening me to anything else
>I blocked it all out, every feeling i could
>In that way that feeling nothing brings you the only solace you
can achieve
>But in feeling nothing, everything ceases to work
>My legs became jello
>Jello, a very unsuitable medium for shambling, brought me down.
>My arms didn't stop my fall
>I hit the ground headfirst
>But i didn't feel a damn thing
>No ringing in my ears
>No pain
>No pressure
>I watched the floor come at me
>I watched as i bounded off my forehead, and bounced again
>Then i watched as the floor came back, my nose resting against
it
>My eyes staring into the depths of the shadow my void had
created.

>I realized i didn't feel any pain
>My wrists
>My back
>Any of the myriad of places i had been injured this sleepover
>For once, i was completely at ease in a sea of comfort.
>Nice way to go i guess
>Until i breathed in with my nose, and snorted an arcid and
metallic liquid
>I could taste it
>I could smell it
>Two senses i hadn't learned to turn off, i had never needed to.
>It filled my nostrils
>But it was her blood
>I was lying in a pool of blood, by her side.

>I coughed, and sputtered, and leaned my head upwards to grab the
razor from her hand
>distancing myself from the pool, i could barely see as is
>I guess i had splashed it all over my face, and it was dripping
down into my eyes.
>[spoiler]Ever had blood in your eyes anons?[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]It feels like water, it's always warm and drips right
down your eyelids and makes you blink[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]You can't feel it, your tears are just blood with
elements removed anyway.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler] but you can see it[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]Blood swims in your vision, waves of red and pink float
across your sight[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]Until you blink, and it's all gone, only for another
drop to replace it and it to start all over again.[/spoiler]
>I was seeing red, and i grabbed the razor

>My fingers caress hers for a moment, then it's in my hand and i
pull it away
>Watching as her fingers curl upwards after the lack of weight
holding them down
>That natural position that all hands curl, that resting position
your muscles normally relax to.
>Blood rolling down her arms in happy little rivulets.
>I looked away
>Pulled my head out of the puddle of blood and looked down at my
own body
>Down at my own wrists
>Seeping softly
>a trail, a smear of red where they lay as well.
>My wrists
>That's right
>They're already cut to hell
>I wouldn't get a clean cut anyway
>I start off in thoughts on how to kill myself
>That's the worst part
>Lots of em are far too complicated
>Sudoku, too painful, would be hard to add with this blade
>Temporicide, i'll let the time-traveling anons do that one for
me.
>i can't even deicide how i would accomplish that anyway.
>Legs are too far, i'm not sure where to cut on my chest without
it hurting.
>It's really not an important decision, but you pretend it is.
>It gives you power, over your fate
>Last important decision you'll make.

>Slitting my throat it is
>I wasn't really thinking.
>you don't really think in this kind of situation, it's just do.
>I know where that jugular thing is, i can cut that
>The chemicals flooding my mind made the process easy
>Painless, i hear that's quick too.
>Influencing every movement, letting my muscles move cohesively
towards my end.
>I bring my hand forward
>Then i stop
>The chemicals in my mind, the fog preventing thought lifts for a
mere second.
>Her fingers moved when i took the razor
>That means she's alive right?
>At the time i didn't know any better
>I didn't realize that muscles consist of a relaxed and taut
state.
>I didn't realize that the deceased relax all muscles in their
body
>I didn't realize how your hands curl when you let them hang
>I didn't know any better

>But i was up
>I willed all my muscles to work
>Dragged myself across the floor, smearing streaks of crimson
liquid across the wooden boards.
>Hope is better than hopelessness
>That's all that was in my mind
>As i was dreaming of hope
>But there was nobody there to pinch me and wake me up.
>Even though i was dreaming.

>Blood's dripping down my face and into my eyes
>I have my arms around her
>Hoisted up, on my knee
>I lean over, my head blocking out the glare of the ceiling lamp
>Casting her face into shadow
>Examining her details
>The serene restfulness of her features
>The sunken cheeks
>My favorite eyes.
>Her sparkling yellow eyes shining dimly in the leftover light

>I stare at that face forever
>I finish my job as a cartographer
>I don't have to be scared of breathing, or shifting the bed.
>If only that would work.
>I'm holding her there for ages, i don't know where the razor
went.
>But i'd end it happily right here
>And i watch the blood drip down my face
>A droplet rolled down my nose
>Slid to the end, hovering on the very tip.
>I could see it contemplating the jump, the impact, the fall.
>Until gravity overcame, and it fell
>Down and down
>Splashed into the ocean of her open eye.
>A majestic droplet no more.
>Then.
>I decided i would kill everyone else.
>[spoiler]Or something even better[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]She blinked.[/spoiler]


>That's a lot of thoughts and thinking i don't have to explain
>But my arms were around her and i was squeezing the shit out of
her in the most bear-like-bear hug.
 >Frankly even the bear who invented those hugs would have keeled
over in embarrassment in his lack of bear hugging capabilities.
>The important part is that eyes blinking mean a couple really
good things
>One, that she's alive
>Two, that she's alive
>Three, that she's conscious
>Four, that she's alive
>Five, that she's alive

>Six, that she's alive
>Seven, that she's alive
>Eight, that she's alive
>Nine, that she's alive
>Ten, that she's alive
>Eleven, that she's alive
>Twelve, that she's alive
>Fourteen, that she's alive

>Fifteen, that she's alive.
>Sixteen, that she's alive.
>But who are we kidding
>This was all a dream, remember anons?
>I hit my head when i fell
>Knocked myself out cold
>Just like her body when i woke up.

>But you've been paying attention
>You're smarter than that.
>You remember what i've told you
>I don't dream.
>And i can't state how important it is that you experienced it
this way.
>The same way i did
>Because of how this changed everything.
>But i heard her.
>She squeezed out words, nothing complicated
>Just a
>"You're hurting me"
>I bet i was
>I was squeezing the life right out of her
>But that was bad
>So i let go, looked back
>Tried to understand how i could be so wrong
>Her wrists were still running with crimson
>But the puddles were smaller than i thought they would be
>Just small pools , fawning out over the area
>Atleast the other side was, i didn't understand. I fell feet
away and landed in one myself.

>I try to trace the puddles
>They don't touch
>She's seemingly alert
>Is studying me with an intent look on her face.
>Her hand to my head, comes away covered in more crimson than it
had otherwise
>I hit my head when i fell
>I'm lying in a pool of my own blood
>Sorry fucking mess i look myself, let alone her
>She's got some splainin to do.
>But i don't ask the right questions
>And it doesn't matter
>I just tell her
>Blubbering into her shoulder like a small child
>I tell her that she tried to kill herself
>Like she didn't know already
>But that's the thing
>She didn't

>"I... i didn't"
>Those were the words she said
>The wrists i look at
>The cuts are across
>Clotted over already
>Only seeping sadly
>Her eyes are shining, crying
>She sees the pain i'm in, the inner turmoil in my eyes.
>I know she must.
>"I... i couldn't feel anything, think straight... hear the rain
outside"
>"It was just all silent, empty..."
>"I just wanted to feel something!"
>It wasn't even a statement, or a declaration
>It was like a question
>A searching question
>I knew that feeling far too well


>"It didn't even hur-"
>She stops
>I'm in tears
>Practically sobbing all over her
>She was just doing what i always do
>Staring up, blocking out the world
>Watching the ceiling when everything's bad.
>When nothing seems to go the way you want it to
>When it's easier to just stare
>When i think it's easier to pretend you're one of those deaf
mutes.
>Pretend you can't hear anything but your ghost whispering.

>This wasn't time for talking
>It was time for crying
>But everything in my mind had changed
>Priorities thrown out the window
>Everything else in shambles
>A poor janitor in the corner trying to stomp out a fire in a
wastebin.
>I realized everything
>Because as i keep telling you all
>You only realize what love is.
>What you actually value in life
>When you're sure its gone.
>You, dear anons.
>You had to give up hope.
>To feel the same loss i did.
>You only know what true love was, when you experience the
heartbreak after.

>So i told her
>Words that until this moment i didn't understand
>Words that until this moment, i couldn't fathom telling anyone
>"I love you"
>Her face was blank
>But it wasn't her reaction i was looking for
>It was my own
>The pit in my stomach was gone
>I would tell you i felt alive
>I would tell you i felt amazing, endorphins running through my
system
>I would tell you that birds sung out in lively song at these
words
>These three words
>But nothing happened
>I felt nothing
>Her expression didn't change
>All i heard was the sound of the rain outside, softly pummeling
away.

>But it changed in my mind
>We'd known each other for so long
>She doesn't know what i was going to do.
>My heart had been aching
>How close i was, i couldn't tell her
>Too shy to say it.
>She holds up her wrist
>"Look! We match now"
>She's trying to make a joke
>Like she doesn't want to talk about anything else.
>I laugh
>I don't know if it's real or forced
>doesn't really matter
>I reach into my pocket
>My sweatpants stained with smears of red
>*Eh* its pink, it'll wash out fine.
>I pull out the gauze i've had all this time
>And i start carefully wrapping her wrists too.

>Now, we match
>I drop her arms to her side
>And i lay down on my back beside her
>Staring upwards
>Silently both watching the ceiling
>Inside, we both know what's been going on.
>Lifelessly
>Motionlessly
>In pools of our own blood.
>What a wonderful night this was turning out to be.
>Well until birthday screamed

>Her legs seem to work, because she finds us quite quickly
>And she's shaking me
>I make it clear we're both fine
>And that she's welcome to join us
>But there's hysterics and frankly i'm not sure she heard and of
it
>The screaming from glasses didn't help either
>Or blondie
>There's a frantic amount of screaming over the blood
>Over the markings on raven's neck
>Over the blood streaming down my forehead
>I can't really remember how i managed to calm that mess down
>I don't think i did
>I think raven said something, some set of words that magically
worked to make the situation better
>That set of words that every girl knows, and every man should
know
>But as soon as they say them, every male listening forgets.

>But i think we're labeled as idiots
>Second time in like an hour, that those three girls had to clean
us up and stitch us back together.
>We're carried, not dragged
>To the kitchen floor
>Both of us dripping the entire way
>I have my head looked at, not really anything but a small cut
>Headwounds just bleed.
>A lot.
>Blondie playing nurse
>Lovingly grabs a rag and starts cleaning me up.
>Blotting bloodstains, wiping up streaks and smears.
>Hides the previous rivulets.
>But it was different than the loving care before
>I really don't think it was her being different
>It was me

>I knew what i felt about her.
>She was fun, attractive, charming...
 >She was crushing on me, would let me do whatever i wanted
(practically)
>But when i think about it
>All the ways i'd acted
>I was probably using her to make myself feel better
>But i didn't really feel anything about her
>Maybe if we took time together, but not yet.
>Not like when i looked at raven
>It was like a radiance of smiling energy welled up when i could
look at her
>see her breathing
>blinking
>Alive, even if not... very vocal still.
>I didn't bullshit blondie
>I addressed the crowd
>"I didn't know what love was... until tonight"
>This has everyone's attention
>I put on a proper abe-lincon voice, have to play the part i
guess.
>"Then i walked in on raven... covered in blood"
>"I love her"
> I scoot closer to raven and wrap my arm around her as i say
this
>She doesn't react
>Just stares straight forward


>But the other girls are too busy in imagination land
>Blondie stopped halfway through replacing the gauze on my
wrists.
>I can hear glasses and birthday going "Aweeeee" in that kind of
dreamy way.
>When something's cute, something's happily ever after.
>I don't know if it was
>But it's not confusing in my head.
>I chased blondie because she was ideal
>Cute, a princess, perfect
>But in the real world that almost never works does it?
>You overlook flaws for perfection to exist.
>Perfect is usually the worst choice.
>Blondie doesn't say anything
>But she's not a dumb girl
>I never told her i loved her

>Blondie stands up
>Says she's going to bed, and leaves
>She's mad, or... who knows
>Glasses gets up and leaves too
>Which means i've fucked up haven't i.
>But its glasses
>She just comes back with underwear and a nightshirt for raven.
>Birthday finishes the nursing
>I'm not sure i remember what was said
>But i think they're going to stay up later
>I'm not, i want to sleep
>I'm not bleeding, but i hurt.
>Everywhere
>I don't ask
>I haul raven to her feet
>She's coming with me
>She doesn't complain
>Just follows
>We end up in the master bedroom
>Lying on the bed, facing one another
>I wrap my arms around her
>She's still silent
>But i'm not letting go
>And i drift asleep
>Staring into her emerald eyes in the darkness.
>Then i wake up from my dream
>But you know better by now.