>I was shambling >Like a zombie that had sprained an ankle in some dramatic TV show, and was chasing the first meal i'd seen in days. >A family of dirty, battered and beaten survivors >Trapping them in a room with no escape, no weapons to fend me off. >Before i sink my teeth into the jugular of one of the screaming... >Well it doesn't matter >I couldn't feel anything. >The sight of those eyes >My favorite emerald green eyes >Wide open, unmoving, upwards >It turned my faucet of emotions to full >The pouring deafening me to anything else >I blocked it all out, every feeling i could >In that way that feeling nothing brings you the only solace you can achieve >But in feeling nothing, everything ceases to work >My legs became jello >Jello, a very unsuitable medium for shambling, brought me down. >My arms didn't stop my fall >I hit the ground headfirst >But i didn't feel a damn thing >No ringing in my ears >No pain >No pressure >I watched the floor come at me >I watched as i bounded off my forehead, and bounced again >Then i watched as the floor came back, my nose resting against it >My eyes staring into the depths of the shadow my void had created. >I realized i didn't feel any pain >My wrists >My back >Any of the myriad of places i had been injured this sleepover >For once, i was completely at ease in a sea of comfort. >Nice way to go i guess >Until i breathed in with my nose, and snorted an arcid and metallic liquid >I could taste it >I could smell it >Two senses i hadn't learned to turn off, i had never needed to. >It filled my nostrils >But it was her blood >I was lying in a pool of blood, by her side. >I coughed, and sputtered, and leaned my head upwards to grab the razor from her hand >distancing myself from the pool, i could barely see as is >I guess i had splashed it all over my face, and it was dripping down into my eyes. >[spoiler]Ever had blood in your eyes anons?[/spoiler] >[spoiler]It feels like water, it's always warm and drips right down your eyelids and makes you blink[/spoiler] >[spoiler]You can't feel it, your tears are just blood with elements removed anyway.[/spoiler] >[spoiler] but you can see it[/spoiler] >[spoiler]Blood swims in your vision, waves of red and pink float across your sight[/spoiler] >[spoiler]Until you blink, and it's all gone, only for another drop to replace it and it to start all over again.[/spoiler] >I was seeing red, and i grabbed the razor >My fingers caress hers for a moment, then it's in my hand and i pull it away >Watching as her fingers curl upwards after the lack of weight holding them down >That natural position that all hands curl, that resting position your muscles normally relax to. >Blood rolling down her arms in happy little rivulets. >I looked away >Pulled my head out of the puddle of blood and looked down at my own body >Down at my own wrists >Seeping softly >a trail, a smear of red where they lay as well. >My wrists >That's right >They're already cut to hell >I wouldn't get a clean cut anyway >I start off in thoughts on how to kill myself >That's the worst part >Lots of em are far too complicated >Sudoku, too painful, would be hard to add with this blade >Temporicide, i'll let the time-traveling anons do that one for me. >i can't even deicide how i would accomplish that anyway. >Legs are too far, i'm not sure where to cut on my chest without it hurting. >It's really not an important decision, but you pretend it is. >It gives you power, over your fate >Last important decision you'll make. >Slitting my throat it is >I wasn't really thinking. >you don't really think in this kind of situation, it's just do. >I know where that jugular thing is, i can cut that >The chemicals flooding my mind made the process easy >Painless, i hear that's quick too. >Influencing every movement, letting my muscles move cohesively towards my end. >I bring my hand forward >Then i stop >The chemicals in my mind, the fog preventing thought lifts for a mere second. >Her fingers moved when i took the razor >That means she's alive right? >At the time i didn't know any better >I didn't realize that muscles consist of a relaxed and taut state. >I didn't realize that the deceased relax all muscles in their body >I didn't realize how your hands curl when you let them hang >I didn't know any better >But i was up >I willed all my muscles to work >Dragged myself across the floor, smearing streaks of crimson liquid across the wooden boards. >Hope is better than hopelessness >That's all that was in my mind >As i was dreaming of hope >But there was nobody there to pinch me and wake me up. >Even though i was dreaming. >Blood's dripping down my face and into my eyes >I have my arms around her >Hoisted up, on my knee >I lean over, my head blocking out the glare of the ceiling lamp >Casting her face into shadow >Examining her details >The serene restfulness of her features >The sunken cheeks >My favorite eyes. >Her sparkling yellow eyes shining dimly in the leftover light >I stare at that face forever >I finish my job as a cartographer >I don't have to be scared of breathing, or shifting the bed. >If only that would work. >I'm holding her there for ages, i don't know where the razor went. >But i'd end it happily right here >And i watch the blood drip down my face >A droplet rolled down my nose >Slid to the end, hovering on the very tip. >I could see it contemplating the jump, the impact, the fall. >Until gravity overcame, and it fell >Down and down >Splashed into the ocean of her open eye. >A majestic droplet no more. >Then. >I decided i would kill everyone else. >[spoiler]Or something even better[/spoiler] >[spoiler]She blinked.[/spoiler] >That's a lot of thoughts and thinking i don't have to explain >But my arms were around her and i was squeezing the shit out of her in the most bear-like-bear hug. >Frankly even the bear who invented those hugs would have keeled over in embarrassment in his lack of bear hugging capabilities. >The important part is that eyes blinking mean a couple really good things >One, that she's alive >Two, that she's alive >Three, that she's conscious >Four, that she's alive >Five, that she's alive >Six, that she's alive >Seven, that she's alive >Eight, that she's alive >Nine, that she's alive >Ten, that she's alive >Eleven, that she's alive >Twelve, that she's alive >Fourteen, that she's alive >Fifteen, that she's alive. >Sixteen, that she's alive. >But who are we kidding >This was all a dream, remember anons? >I hit my head when i fell >Knocked myself out cold >Just like her body when i woke up. >But you've been paying attention >You're smarter than that. >You remember what i've told you >I don't dream. >And i can't state how important it is that you experienced it this way. >The same way i did >Because of how this changed everything. >But i heard her. >She squeezed out words, nothing complicated >Just a >"You're hurting me" >I bet i was >I was squeezing the life right out of her >But that was bad >So i let go, looked back >Tried to understand how i could be so wrong >Her wrists were still running with crimson >But the puddles were smaller than i thought they would be >Just small pools , fawning out over the area >Atleast the other side was, i didn't understand. I fell feet away and landed in one myself. >I try to trace the puddles >They don't touch >She's seemingly alert >Is studying me with an intent look on her face. >Her hand to my head, comes away covered in more crimson than it had otherwise >I hit my head when i fell >I'm lying in a pool of my own blood >Sorry fucking mess i look myself, let alone her >She's got some splainin to do. >But i don't ask the right questions >And it doesn't matter >I just tell her >Blubbering into her shoulder like a small child >I tell her that she tried to kill herself >Like she didn't know already >But that's the thing >She didn't >"I... i didn't" >Those were the words she said >The wrists i look at >The cuts are across >Clotted over already >Only seeping sadly >Her eyes are shining, crying >She sees the pain i'm in, the inner turmoil in my eyes. >I know she must. >"I... i couldn't feel anything, think straight... hear the rain outside" >"It was just all silent, empty..." >"I just wanted to feel something!" >It wasn't even a statement, or a declaration >It was like a question >A searching question >I knew that feeling far too well >"It didn't even hur-" >She stops >I'm in tears >Practically sobbing all over her >She was just doing what i always do >Staring up, blocking out the world >Watching the ceiling when everything's bad. >When nothing seems to go the way you want it to >When it's easier to just stare >When i think it's easier to pretend you're one of those deaf mutes. >Pretend you can't hear anything but your ghost whispering. >This wasn't time for talking >It was time for crying >But everything in my mind had changed >Priorities thrown out the window >Everything else in shambles >A poor janitor in the corner trying to stomp out a fire in a wastebin. >I realized everything >Because as i keep telling you all >You only realize what love is. >What you actually value in life >When you're sure its gone. >You, dear anons. >You had to give up hope. >To feel the same loss i did. >You only know what true love was, when you experience the heartbreak after. >So i told her >Words that until this moment i didn't understand >Words that until this moment, i couldn't fathom telling anyone >"I love you" >Her face was blank >But it wasn't her reaction i was looking for >It was my own >The pit in my stomach was gone >I would tell you i felt alive >I would tell you i felt amazing, endorphins running through my system >I would tell you that birds sung out in lively song at these words >These three words >But nothing happened >I felt nothing >Her expression didn't change >All i heard was the sound of the rain outside, softly pummeling away. >But it changed in my mind >We'd known each other for so long >She doesn't know what i was going to do. >My heart had been aching >How close i was, i couldn't tell her >Too shy to say it. >She holds up her wrist >"Look! We match now" >She's trying to make a joke >Like she doesn't want to talk about anything else. >I laugh >I don't know if it's real or forced >doesn't really matter >I reach into my pocket >My sweatpants stained with smears of red >*Eh* its pink, it'll wash out fine. >I pull out the gauze i've had all this time >And i start carefully wrapping her wrists too. >Now, we match >I drop her arms to her side >And i lay down on my back beside her >Staring upwards >Silently both watching the ceiling >Inside, we both know what's been going on. >Lifelessly >Motionlessly >In pools of our own blood. >What a wonderful night this was turning out to be. >Well until birthday screamed >Her legs seem to work, because she finds us quite quickly >And she's shaking me >I make it clear we're both fine >And that she's welcome to join us >But there's hysterics and frankly i'm not sure she heard and of it >The screaming from glasses didn't help either >Or blondie >There's a frantic amount of screaming over the blood >Over the markings on raven's neck >Over the blood streaming down my forehead >I can't really remember how i managed to calm that mess down >I don't think i did >I think raven said something, some set of words that magically worked to make the situation better >That set of words that every girl knows, and every man should know >But as soon as they say them, every male listening forgets. >But i think we're labeled as idiots >Second time in like an hour, that those three girls had to clean us up and stitch us back together. >We're carried, not dragged >To the kitchen floor >Both of us dripping the entire way >I have my head looked at, not really anything but a small cut >Headwounds just bleed. >A lot. >Blondie playing nurse >Lovingly grabs a rag and starts cleaning me up. >Blotting bloodstains, wiping up streaks and smears. >Hides the previous rivulets. >But it was different than the loving care before >I really don't think it was her being different >It was me >I knew what i felt about her. >She was fun, attractive, charming... >She was crushing on me, would let me do whatever i wanted (practically) >But when i think about it >All the ways i'd acted >I was probably using her to make myself feel better >But i didn't really feel anything about her >Maybe if we took time together, but not yet. >Not like when i looked at raven >It was like a radiance of smiling energy welled up when i could look at her >see her breathing >blinking >Alive, even if not... very vocal still. >I didn't bullshit blondie >I addressed the crowd >"I didn't know what love was... until tonight" >This has everyone's attention >I put on a proper abe-lincon voice, have to play the part i guess. >"Then i walked in on raven... covered in blood" >"I love her" > I scoot closer to raven and wrap my arm around her as i say this >She doesn't react >Just stares straight forward >But the other girls are too busy in imagination land >Blondie stopped halfway through replacing the gauze on my wrists. >I can hear glasses and birthday going "Aweeeee" in that kind of dreamy way. >When something's cute, something's happily ever after. >I don't know if it was >But it's not confusing in my head. >I chased blondie because she was ideal >Cute, a princess, perfect >But in the real world that almost never works does it? >You overlook flaws for perfection to exist. >Perfect is usually the worst choice. >Blondie doesn't say anything >But she's not a dumb girl >I never told her i loved her >Blondie stands up >Says she's going to bed, and leaves >She's mad, or... who knows >Glasses gets up and leaves too >Which means i've fucked up haven't i. >But its glasses >She just comes back with underwear and a nightshirt for raven. >Birthday finishes the nursing >I'm not sure i remember what was said >But i think they're going to stay up later >I'm not, i want to sleep >I'm not bleeding, but i hurt. >Everywhere >I don't ask >I haul raven to her feet >She's coming with me >She doesn't complain >Just follows >We end up in the master bedroom >Lying on the bed, facing one another >I wrap my arms around her >She's still silent >But i'm not letting go >And i drift asleep >Staring into her emerald eyes in the darkness. >Then i wake up from my dream >But you know better by now.