>When the stars went out i went out >I'm all out of faith >But as to if i was really unconscious, or simply lost in my head is another question. >Because of the darkness, i really in truth had no clue how long i was out or if i was out at all >But the next sound i heard was the near mechanical slurping, wooing and moaning that all bathtubs seem to make as the water worms its way out and into the pipes. >This is how i feel >It strikes me as odd that those sounds are nearly indescribable in my head, that the water leaving the bathtub has no realistic comparison. >But it was the sound i heard >As i woke up. >I'm cold and i'm ashamed >lying naked on the floor. >I lie there listening >That's all i want to do >That's all i deserve >There's a dripping, water from the faucet, wet clothes on the ground. >There's a rustling of wet cloth >All encompassed by the wooing and slurping of the water out of the bathtub. >There's a creak, a lever being pulled, the water starts pouring in again. >Raven's working the bathtub, to what end your guess is good as mine >I hear running water on ceramic, the sound a bathtub makes when the drain is open and it's not filling. >Splashing, as if she's kicking her dangling legs in the water below the dock she's sitting on. >The sound of sloshing water at a river, the sound of a drain being closed. >A loud, but inorganic click, as if she's flipped the switch >The smells in the bathroom slowly change along with the pitch and melody of the water. >The bile goes away, the air becomes heavier and warmer >Steam >The smells become smoother, artificial >The room fills with the aroma of some synthetic fruit, or artificial taste that never matched the flavor it's named after. >It smells lovely, but absolutely unrelatable to anything natural. >The water is cascading down in a roaring waterfall, the tub must be partially full >Eventually i hear the water peter off and stop >The only thing left is the sloshing, as if it were waves cascading on a swimming pool, or a rocky beach. >There's a voice >Its not my voice >"You're cold aren't you?" >I'm freezing >I don't say anything >I don't move >A hand finds mine >It squeezes >"Its hot water this time..." >I realized that long before it was said >I could smell it, smell the steam and heat permeating through the room >The scent of water that you'll never notice unless you can't see it. >it smelled nice, it smelled warm >i like warm >I manage to get one of my arms under me and lift myself up slightly >It doesn't work very well because there's wet clothes in my way, >Its a pile of clothes, a rough and coarse fabric, a soft and silky one >I ignore using the ground, grip an edge of the tub and pull myself into a sitting position >The smell is far stronger here >I can hear a soft crackling, popping. >I find a hand resting on the side of the tub >I can only assume she's sitting, waiting for me. >I'm having trouble getting up, my arms and legs aren't cooperating with one another. >It's a mixture of slippery and wet >A mixture of the foreboding stiffness that accompanies your limbs when you sleep in a cold place >A mixture of the lack of strength in my tired arms >A mixture of the pain in my lower back that had been silently throbbing all day >A mixture of the sharpening pain in my lungs and throat >When people say everything hurts, they mean it's a whole host of things. >But not everything >But in the course of this story you've watched. You know exactly what i mean. >Everything on me, every little thing, did indeed hurt. >This went double for every aspect of my psyche, every emotional crevice i had was filled with regret, doubt, self-loathing. >And here i was, draped over the side of a bathtub's rim, fragrant water encompassing its depths, with the friend i've tried to kill splashing her legs like nothing's happened. >It's not a feeling i can pretend i can recreate for you, it's not a feeling i can begin to convey. >I was simply content to stare into the darkness, knowing water, warmth, an end, was before me. But not in sight. >Content in the way that i felt i deserved it, deserved the purgatory of staying here forever, like this, regretting my life up until this point, regretting everything i'd ever done these last few days. >I was content to stare at nothing >But she was not >She placed one hand on my back, and drew lines down my spine, reaching the waistband of these forsaken women's sweatpants. >and with an iron grip >She lifted me just enough to lose my grip, slide headfirst into the water. >It was a surprise, a shock >I didn't see it coming >The water was hot on my face, it burned >It felt like i was boiling alive. >I'm quite sure i screamed underwater, let out air and squirmed >The result was that i slipped deeper and deeper until i was fully in the bathtub > my troso and legs long having left the rim. >With a twist i'm upright and my head is above the surface >It's hot, my face is hot >Burning like exposed skin on a summer's day. >But the water is not uncomfortable, simply unbearable in that way hot water on your face so often is. >there's bubbles in the water and i have to spit out a bit of soapy something as i come up. >But ultimately i seem unharmed, and warm for the first time in ages. >I let out a groan and recline against the slanted back of the tub >My muscles are groaning with me, but in a good way >It's soothing, calming >I hear a plop, and the water level rises a couple inches. >It's probably a kraken, i'm expecting tentacles any moment, and we all know what happens after that. >Eventually, even though i was trying to stay as still as possible, a tentacle finds my ankle. >It worms its way up my leg and to my stomach >Its not a tentacle even though it's slippery long and smooth >It's a hand and an arm, the soap and hot water making it slide effortlessly over my skin. >It wraps itself around the back of me, the splashing accompanying it remind me there's a human attached, a very close one at that. >Who only gets closer as she pulls herself into a hug >But it's a misshapen hug, she's at an angle, she's kinda off to the side, she ends up sideways hugging my chest, her head against my ribcage, her chest against my stomach >But its a hug, a dark, warm, wet, slippery hug >And she's naked. >Atleast the parts of her touching me are, even though i'm sloshing around with my pants on still. >it's still a hug, and it means more than some empty sexual context, but what it meant i didn't know at the time. >Until she spoke >"I'm glad you didn't" >I knew what she meant >I knew she wanted some kind of answer, some kind of approval like "Oh i wouldn't have" or "I was always going to stop" >Something clarifying, something warm, soft, fuzzy >Something to promise her it wasn't me in that cold water, that since she couldn't see me it was someone else with those hands >I wasn't going to give her that >She deserved the truth >"I wasn't going to stop" >It was cold, calculated, empty of emotion ,but true. >As i said it, i felt one of my own heartstrings snap in two, the pang of guilt accompanying it. >She didn't stop the hug >I didn't understand >She should be angry at me, not talking to me >Instead she squeezes and clambers further up my chest, resting her smooth body against mine and her head on my shoulder >The warm water rocking softly with her movement. >Its a whisper in my ear >"Until i told you i loved you." >Its not much of a thought process before i respond >Near instant really >"I squeezed harder" >Another heartstring snapped, the pain double of the first. >"And it hurt, i saw fireworks go off behind my eyes... but you stopped... you stopped" >Her whisper is quiet, trusting, caring >Like i've done her a favor, like i've saved her life >She doesn't understand >She doesn't get it >i tell her the secret >the grand truth as to why i wasn't a murderer >"my arms gave out" >That was it >That was why she was alive >I wanted to kill her, but i couldn't >it was because i was a weakling, a pathetic human >These words are said as well, along with many others. >Her response is a long time coming >It's just silence, with the lightly lapping water at the walls of the basin. >The crinkling and crackling of the foam. >"Then we're even?" >No, fuck no >If there was a point system in place previously it's so far gone i can't even begin to imagine where we're at >Like we've actually taken the points, converted them into those stupid prizes you get at the arcades, and then lost them in a gutter somewhere after playing with them once. >Then the gutter is actually engulfed in a volcano along with the rest of the city. >Frankly in my own personal scoring system i had fucked up so badly, that i had gone back through the good portions of town, ruined those, and gone back to shitsvile three times over. >But i can't convey that well enough in my mind >and her voice was hopeful >Whatever thought process i had that was killing me on the inside, she probably had the same about what happened earlier. >Whatever we were feeling on the inside, my best guess is that we were equal, on some scale of measuring emotions that hasn't been invented yet. >So i just give the next best answer >"Yeah" >It's back to silent hugging now >I've got my arms around her, they're slippery, i don't really have any hold on her skin >But i can pull her tighter and that's all that matters >She does the same >It's just silence and rocking waves now >As we float in the comforting darkness >I assume this is what being in your mother's womb must be like >Floating in a sea of liquid, complete darkness, warmth, safety >The only difference is i'm not alone. >It's like that for a long while, long enough that the water cooled down to lukewarm, long enough that i'm sure our fingers were starting to wrinkle. >But i feel her grip loosen and the water droplets collapse into an entrancing symphony as she sits up and they roll off. >She's off across the tub, the water's splashing again so i know she's moving or doing something >The water turns on >The drain opens >I realize she's performing the age-old girl secret of making the bath water warm again. >And she gives a yank at the leg of the sweatpants i'm wearing and they slide halfway down >Hot again, my mistake >Now taking off wet clothing is really not that easy in a bathtub >It's actually really hard depending on the clothing >Well these sweatpants were all tangled around my legs, and they were a girl's so the ankles didn't exactly fit me loosely. >There was kicking, screaming, hair pulling, some blood drawing, and more kicking and screaming involved >It took quite a bit of effort, but eventually i was naked, she was naked, and the water was hot again >This is fully realized at the moment my clothing was hoisted out of the tub and plopped with a sickening splat onto the floor below >The bathroom was probably flooded with all the water we kept putting on the floor, but we didn't care. >We returned to hugging, but it was different now >The foam had dissipated and was no longer crackling and cackling away as the bubble's popped >There was more contact, she had a single leg between mine, and the result was my leg between hers. >Even without movement, even without even the slightest rub, slide or nudge, we were both breathing heavily into one another's shoulders. >It's not as sexual a situation as you would imagine >It was, i mean i was erect, she was sighing softly and rubbing against my upper thigh >The water was splashing and reverberating in waves every time we moved >The only thing we had to locate one another was breathing >It was an exceptionally intimate, some would say romantic moment. >But more than that, it was comforting, safe, warm. >Happy >I was content to lie like that forever, there was no urgency, no sense of need to change the pace. >But as usually was the case, Raven took initiative. >With a soft movement she straddled me, i could feel her legs on either side of mine, one of her hands on my chest. >Her hips lifted out of the water, the symphony of droplets once again. >My hands on her hips, following them into the cool air. >Her other hand below, holding my stiffness as she lowered herself against it >No guesswork here, she knew exactly where it needed to go as i felt the tip nestle past her outer lips. >A pause in that moment, her straddling above me, complete darkness, nothing but the splashing of water around us. >Then she took it all, one plunge . >It was different to Glasses >It didn't take 10 minutes to just enter her, the water, the soap, everything made it slide in far easier. >She was tighter, much, much tighter, the pressure was like squeezing your manhood a little too firmly when fapping. >Tight enough to make you think about how tight it is. >The tightness itself was incredible. >This made sense, she was a smaller girl, she had a smaller body, a smaller frame. >But what didn't make sense is that she was deeper. >She took every inch, right to the base >I still felt the pressure of pressing against what i assumed must have been her cervix, but it wasn't in the way, it wasn't like a roadblock, it was a change at the end of the tunnel. >When she dropped her hips, she didn't cry, she didn't give a shout >I couldn't see if she was crying, had her eyes open or closed >All i can hear are her hard, long breaths in the darkness. >The first words she says break my heart >"I'm sorry we couldn't both be the first" >I can hear it in her voice, she's crying >She's just given me hers and i was already used goods. >Maybe because of the pain, because she's just forced herself down on me. >Maybe because of the pain of the words she was saying. >Maybe because sharing firsts should be something romantic >I'm not stressed at all >I'm not worried >I just curl my head up against hers and whisper >"It's alright. You mean far more" >She just squeezed herself tightly into me, wrapped her arms around me and stayed there. >I didn't need to move >Which is odd because you usually can't stop your hips from moving on their own when you're having sex, just fyi >I was happy where i was, as close to Raven as i was. >Even the water had stopped sloshing with our lack of movement, it was silent beside our breathing. >Eventually her arms loosen, her breathing drops from being hard and harsh, to soft and quiet >I realize she's fallen asleep >It's sweet, its not even sex, its just closeness. >I wrap my arms so that she won't fall off and i lean back and close my eyes. >I'm completely at bliss as i doze off. >And then they were eaten by a grue