>it was a needed sacrifice.
>I just kept telling myself that as i walked away.
>I repeat this over and over in my head, i have to drown out the
sounds.
>First comes the screaming, it's always with the screaming.
>Every time i've witnessed a Grue attack there's always
screaming.
>But not this time, it was silent, only the sound of my footsteps
as i entered the kitchen.

>Next was the sickening squelching...
>I tried to force these sounds and thoughts out of my head as i
put the flashlight down on the counter to illuminate the room as
i begun to clean up the pizza.

>The jarring bone crunching...
>The creature was hungry, it would have taken me next

>The shattering of hearts

>It had to be done, it had to be said

>There was no other way to overcome the situation i was in, the
way i was feeling.
>Hardened, i begin cleaning up the leftover drinking glasses, the
clink as i grasp multiples together in one had echoing through
the kitchen.
>Now the only sound.

>In the three or four steps from the island to the kitchen sink i
manage to step in something cold and wet.
>Setting the cups down, i kneel to inspect the liquid
>I can't see it, but i swipe two fingers and take a whiff
>It's just water
>I probably spilled it earlier when i was in the kitchen
>I clean it up, contemplating the entire time.
>Then return to picking up the plates

>The rain outside is pressing a solid white noise across all my
actions, it lets me be alone with my thoughts
>I wasn't feeling very chipper, maybe it was seeing the other
girls, maybe it was seeing her be shunned.

>I wasn't really sure what i was feeling.

>But the second she put my hand to her chest, i realized i
couldn't stand her.
>The idea that she would hit me.
>That she could try to hurt herself and make it my fault
>I was sick to my stomach.
>The clattering of the ceramic plates accompanying the creaking,
groaning and howling of the house.
>I wasn't really as angry as i thought i was though, i wasn't
really anything
>I was back to feeling nothing
>In that way that feeling nothing is sometimes the only way you
can feel after something happens where you should feel
everything.
>The plates clatter as i place them into the sink
>I swallow, trying to force my emotions back down again.
>I grab a sponge and begin to scrub the guilt away

>A Flash of light illuminates the window, and the kitchen
>For a brief second i can see what i'm doing, everything in the
room is crystal clear
>Then it's gone
>I continue scrubbing, the sink's running water adding a steady
addition to the orchestra of sound in my head.
>The thunder rolls in, any thoughts i have cascade into deafening
silence after the house shakes.
>I can't remember what i was trying to convince myself of
>I just end up staring off into the rainy window
>The streams of water running down the window in disorganized
chaos, each raindrop changing the playing field.
>I realize i've run out of plates
>I take my time putting them away
>I know i'll run out of excuses to confront myself soon

>I find myself wandering the kitchen aimlessly after i've cleaned
up
>I don't want to think, so i try to keep my feet busy and
concentrate on the sounds outside.
>My eyes wander to the liquor cabinet
>I could just take a cup or two
>I would go back to giggling like i was the first night
>Everything would be happy again right?
>Before everything was fucked up
>Before nothing made sense in my head
>I walk over and open it
>Tantalizing bottles line the shelves, the depths of each bottle
barely reflecting the meager light that shadows the entire room.
>My inner voices are quiet
>There's no inner struggle against it
>I just reach out with my hand
>"Don't"

>I snap around like a child with his hand caught in a cookie jar
>It's homely
>She's got a seriously worried look on her face
>I'm probably fucked
>No seriously its homely she's going to tell everyone
>Well, if i'm fucked i might as well
>I turn around and grab a random bottle off the shelf
>I'm unscrewing the cap when her hand is on mine
>she was fast, across the kitchen in only a moment to stop me.
>I try to get her off but she's not having it
>I turn to face her, all i can see is her eyes
>She's not screaming "LOOK WHAT HE'S DOING"
>She's not making antagonistic remarks
>She just asks a question, her face is sincere
>"Why?"

>I don't think really
>It just kind of comes out automatically
>"We're not friends anymore..."
>It's a quiet voice, one that i never use, one that doesn't suit
me
>I might not spend that much time with homely, but she knows.
>The rain continues to pitter against the window
>"mmmm"
>It's not really a sigh, its like she was contemplating an answer
but it never came
>It's the kind of sound you make when you know the other person
wants a response, but you're not sure what to give.
>I don't have any more, i'm just standing there with my hand on
the bottle, the other on the cap
>I'm wishing desperately homely would just go away so i can
wallow in the silence i've created.
>She's not going to grant my wish
>Her next question is stronger, more forward, her voice has the
slightest tone of modesty in it.
>"How can i help you fix it?"
>I knew what it was going to be before she even finished
>I don't even consider my options, or what she could do; i just
answer.
>"It can't be fixed."

>I didn't want to be consoled, or helped, i wanted to be alone.

>I'm not in a mood for fixing things

>I'm in a mood for hurting people

>Hurting myself

>As if subjecting myself to more pain was the only way to make
myself feel any better about this situation.

>I placed the bottle back on the counter and backed away from
homely.

>She was left standing there, half illuminated by the light of
the flashlight.

>I couldn't see her legs, but i could see everything higher.

>Her hair was shining and wet, draped around her shoulders.

>She's obviously finished the shower first.

>I realized she had changed, was wearing a different shirt... a
tighter shirt.

>Probably one of birthday's a size too small.

>I wasn't interested, not right now, especially not with homely.

>She wasn't taking the hint about not helping though

>"Where is she"

>It wasn't a question, it was a demand

>I don't do anything but stare at her
>I try to mask my feelings, my thoughts, make my face a living
mask of nothing.
>But she somehow understands and looks off towards the living
room
>The wall of darkness just beyond the doorway
>I don't feel like anything anymore
>I make sure that's the case
>"Don't bother, she's not worth it"
>I can't feel my own words
>But homely can
>Those words tell her more about the situation than she had
figured out already
>Those words tell her that raven probably had no say in the
matter
>Even if she's a horrible person, she's still friends with raven
and the other girls
>I'm the enemy here, no matter what raven has done.
>"Forgive her"

>She doesn't understand that i can't
>She doesn't understand that i wont
>She doesn't understand that my stomach is doing bellyflops at
the thought of what i'd just said, and why i'd said it.
>I don't want to be harassed by someone who's not even involved.
>I pick up my flashlight and start to leave, i'll keep the other
girl's company across the house
>She stands in-front of me, her hands on hips and her voice
indignant this time
>"Forgive her."
>I don't listen, i just walk around her
>She grabs my hand and holds me back with all of her weight
>"If you do, i'll get one of the other girls to make it up to
you."
>Look at homely, showing loyalty to her friends for the first
time i've seen in ages.
>By selling out her other friends
>What a fucking surprise
>I yank my hand away and stomp down the hallway
>The floorboards screaming under my heels.

>I arrive at the master bedroom, the door is wide open
>Glasses and Birthday are on the bed, in various states of
undress
>There's only a single flashlight on and half-aimed at them from
across the bedside table though
>Birthday is completely naked, Towel wrapped snugly around her
body and sitting on the edge farthest away from me.
>Her hair is dry, she's probably waiting for the next shower.
>Glasses is wearing her Bra and pants again, hair dry, she's
probably last. She's lying down at the foot.
>The shadows make them look much more alluring than usual, shame
i'm not in the mood.
>The girls hear my stomping and are eying the door when i enter
>They both look a tad surprised, but not as embarrassed as i
would expect them to be.
>The shower is running
>Likely blondie in there right now
>I don't waste time, i nonchalantly walk in as if its nothing and
lie down on the bed, reverse of glasses.
>"I couldn't stand the company, i hope you two don't mind."
>It was dripping with anger, i guess i was angry now.

>Glasses has a smirk on her face
>"Homely?"
>She says it with a tell-tale "tell me about it" tone in her
voice.
>Someone get the window wipers
>"Raven"
>Its one word out of my mouth, but its enough to ruin the smirk
>Both of the girls don't seem to look worried though, i guess
they were expecting it.
>I think birthday even smiles
>I don't like that at all
>I snap at her
>"What the fuck are you smiling at?"
>It's rough, harsh, like i haven't thought out my words before
they came out
>I didn't, birthday didn't deserve for me to snap at her like
that
>The damage is done though, Birthday's smile vanishes and is
replaced with a scowl

>"It's not my fault you're pissed at your GIRLFRIEND"
>She's glaring at me, i want to correct her
>But i don't
>Even still, glasses seems to do it for me
>I get to listen to a mile-long speech about how raven and i were
best friends for absolute ages, and that this is a big deal
>This seems to have put birthday in her place, at least
temporarily
>Glasses seems to want to continue her speech about how what
raven did was wrong
>But i stop her, i tell them i don't want to talk about it,
homely already tried.
>They both shut up
>We're just quiet for a while
>I go back to staring at the ceiling, trying not to think.
>The water shuts off in the bathroom

>Blondie steps out
>Well she doesn't really step out, she opens the door, shrieks
and slams the door again
>I guess she wasn't expecting me there
>I only hear this because i'm not looking
>But i'm lying across the bed, facing the bathroom when she opens
the door again

>There's a soft light from the inside, like a flashlight is left
on, i can't see anything but her silhouette and some light skin
coloring
>But i can tell she's not wearing a towel
>Blondie seems to reconsider opening the door when she sees me
and slams it again

>seconds later we hear a "Make sure he's not looking"

>Glasses is ontop of me
>Any excuse i guess i'm that irresistable
>Her hands are over my eyes, i can't see a thing
>"I've got him, you're safe!"
>Birthday is laughing at the scenario, and i hear the door open
and what i can only assume a double-check that i'm covered is
being performed.
>It seems to be safe, and i listen to the rustling and feel the
weight change as birthday gets off the bed.
>The girls seem to be exchanging the towel, because a moment
later the bathroom door closes.
>I try to squirm free, thinking that it's over
>Glasses makes the situation clear with increased pressure on my
head and a yank.
>"Hold still, she's dressing"
>There was a bit of a tease in this voice
>I know this voice
>I stop struggling
>Come on glasses be a bro

>Come on, i know you're a bro
>I reach back and squeeze her leg as i think this.
>She gets the hint.
>She opens her fingers a tiny bit.

>I'm grinning like a fool on the inside
>Can always trust glasses
>I get to see peeks and glimpses of blondie drying herself off
and dressing.
>A breast, part of her buttcheeks, what seems to be a thigh
>My only regret is that there's absolutely no light, so i can't
make out anything that doesn't stick out
>It's alright, my memory and imagination fill in the gaps.
>Just the idea of a girl dressing in-front of me, without knowing
i'm watching.
>Specially the shyest girl.
>Lets just say i'm in the mood now
>Eventually it seems she's donned fabrics of various sorts, and
glasses closes her fingers again as to not let blondie realize.
>I play along and complain asking if i can see yet.
>The hand is removed
>Blondie is back to her old tanktop/shorts combo.
>But i'm hard and pressing against the bedsheets
>All previous problems forgotten
>Boners have a tendency to do that
>Its hard to ignore them
>I'm now far more interested in the two girls in this room.

>Blondie is just standing there looking at me awkwardly
>I don't think she knows what to do
>I know what i want to do
>"Blondie, come lie with me, i need something to hug"
>She's taken aback when i say this

>Confused even, the look between wanting to run, and wanting to
stay and find out what happens.
>She doesn't run, she must be leaning towards see what happens.
>Glasses clarifies the confusion for me.
>"He just fought with raven"
>Its a matter-of-factly statement
>Brings back a pang when she says it though
>I guess i'm back to feeling again
>I force it to go away by pressing my pelvis harder into the
bedsheet
>Blondie seems to understand the request and decides she'll
oblige
>implying i wouldn't chase her down and tackle her if she tried
to leave
>Glasses is still sitting ontop of me though, she rolls off and
sits on the edge of the bed
>After a minute or two of repositioning, blondie has her arms
wrapped around me, and i've got my arms around her
>We're still lying down though, i'm facing the headboard, she's
facing the base.
>She's warm, she smells like the peach shampoo she's used in her
hair, her chest is soft
>She's just wearing her shirt, no bra.
>This is everything i wanted out of a hug and more.

>I snuggle up as close to her as i can
>It's really helping my mood, holding a cute girl in my arms
>The rain outside hammering away, it sets the mood perfectly.
>She's breathing softly over my shoulder
>Things don't even seem that bad anymore
>But i want to see her eyes
>I pull her back a little bit
>I'm touching my nose to hers now
>The light's still playing across both of us
>I watch the shadows twist and turn as we shift ever so slightly
>My eyes are drawn downward, her shirt is open at the top
>She notices
>I get a gentle hand on my chin pointing me upwards and a "Hey~
Don't Look~"
>Its in a singsong whisper.

>I tell her she's beautiful
>She smiles
>I tell her she's exactly what i need right now
>She's beaming
>I  hear a snort from across the bed
>Glasses
>I ignore her, she's the one who let me peek
>She knew the risks
>I come up with a proposition in my head
>i word it together carefully, i can't make any mistakes
>"When glasses finishes, i need a shower too..."
>Blondie is hanging onto my every word
>"I might need some help turning it on and making it warm~"
>I try to make it clear what i'm implying
>I think she understands, her eyes are sparkling
>The only thing brighter than her eyes is her smile


>I even joke that we can leave the flashlights off
>this is punctuated with a wink, she's squeezing me harder.

>Glasses gives another snort from across the room
>I think she's angry at us, or jealous
>I'm mistaken
>"Alright you two songbirds, i'll take a quick shower and leave
you some hot water~"
>Her words aren't jealous at all, she's being amazing right now
>God damn glasses you are the best
>I hear rustling in the corner, i guess glasses is taking off her
bra
>The water in the bathroom shuts off at the same time.
>"Don't look at her, only me~"
>Blondie's speaking in whispers now
>I can't help but oblige
>We're touching noses again, i'm staring deeply into her eyes
>They're beautiful, sky blue if i haven't said already.
>The kind of blue you can look up and get dizzy from seeing on a
cloudless day.
>I'm trying to look through them, focus on the flashlight
reflected in them.
>When her eyes go wide

>Next thing i know we're not hugging
>She shoves me away
>I'm back to staring at the ceiling alone
>Welcome back old friend.
>I see a hand come into focus and with a "THWACK" i get slapped
>It stings, but blondie isn't very strong so it's more of an
insult than anything.
>Frankly im more surprised i'm not dead
>She's off the bed now, i'm now sitting up watching her.
>I'm lost, i don't understand what's happened.
>What did i do wrong
>I can only see Blondie's back before she turns around at the
door and glares at me
>"I guess you really don't deserve me after all huh?"
>There's nothing but hurt in her voice,

>She stomps off
>What the fuck did i do this time

>I turn around
>Glasses is frozen solid, watching the entire thing
>She's topless, and her pants are halfway down
>I'm distracted by her tits for atleast four seconds before i
look farther down.
>She's wearing my boxers
>I completely forgot
>She either completely forgot, or did it just to completely block
my attempt to get with blondie.
>Fuck you glasses
>I  can't see her face, but we hear footsteps inside the bathroom
and her pants are back on in a flash.
>I lie back down on the bed and inform her bluntly that i'm now
having a shower with her.
>"Not if i'm your second choice"
>Oh i swear to fucking god glasses
>Now you're jealous i'll fucking kill you
>You fookin set me up n everythin' i'll fookin punch u in da jaw
m8
>I'm sitting up and going to leap off the bed at her throat
>Except the bathroom door slams again
>Instead of glasses i find birthday standing there with her hands
on her hips
>She's completely naked, no shame.
>"What, you didn't want to shower with me?"

>God damnit woman
>Out of all the naked girls to be infront of me, it has to be the
one that's not going to help at all with my boner.
>I just return to lying on my back
>"You're now the only girl in the house who isn't angry at me"
>I state this matter-of-factly
>"I heard"
>She starts rustling around, i assume putting on clothes
>I also take the time to matter-of-factly announce the fact that
i have a boner, and was just cockblocked by glasses
>There's laughter from the bathroom
>She heard
>The water turns on a couple seconds later.
>Birthday doesn't offer to help
>I don't know if i was expecting her to, or if i even wanted her
to, but she doesn't.
>Instead she offers advice
>"Guess only thing you can do is go forgive raven so you have
someone to talk to huh?"
>No, that's definitely not the only thing i can do, god damnit.


>She's trying to do the same thing homely was doing.

>I inform birthday that i'm leaving the room so that i don't say
something mean to her and piss her off
>I'm really about to say something mean though, so i'm just
leaving before i blurt it out.
>I barely make it to the hallway before i'm mumbling angry things
under my breath
>about how much i would like to throw her down and give her some
advice.
>I start stomping back down the hallway
>Lightning flashes
>I'm right by the living room, i see the entire area lit up
>There's still a girl sitting, holding her knees and staring at
the floor.
>It doesn't last long before the room is dark, it was only a
flash
>I could be seeing things after all
>I shove the thoughts out of my head as the thunder rolls
through.

>I head down and across the kitchen to birthday's room
>I hear soft talking inside, so i try to open the door.
>Its locked
>I wait for a response
>"If that's not Raven, Birthday or Glasses, go away."
>There's no compassion in her voice, its cold, hard and
unwanting.
>It was blondie
> ):

>Whatever, guess i've actually fucked everything up for real this
time.
>I leave quickly
>I trudge back to the kitchen
>i know i'm dragging my feet the entire way

>To make it worse, the flashlight i'm holding seems to have
dimmed to the point its useless, i just turn it off.

>I jab my toe on the corner of something hard
>fuck
>Everything is going wrong
>I end up in the doorway of the kitchen looking into the dark
living room
>I can't see anything,
>That doesn't matter, i just stare

>I'm staring there for ages
>I'm just staring off into the darkness
>I must be waiting for lightning, so i can look in without going
closer
>Just... make sure
>Just to know
>I wish i could just yell lumos and have the lights flicker on.
>but nothing happens
>I just stand there staring for minutes
>I'm desperately hoping for anything, i just want to know.
>zero luck
>no flashes of light
>No lightning
>No thunder
>I give up and return to the master bedroom
>I smash my shins twice, and trip and fall and hit my elbow
against something hard
>Serves me fucking right.

>I shamble back to the bedroom in pieces
>I think i've left two of my toes, a finger and half my shin in
the hallway
>That's what it feels like anyway
>I return to find Glasses re-emerging from the bathroom with wet
hair, topless and the same pants she had worn in.
>Birthday is fully dressed and just sitting on the bed humming to
herself
>How she's in a good mood is beyond me
>When she sees me she asks "Alright what do we do now?"
>I'm not paying attention, i'm watching glasses get dressed in
the background
>Birthday realizes this and sneaks up to me via a blind spot
>I get my crotch grabbed and squeezed
>Jump an inch in the air and look down at her
>"Careful now, if i'm the last one not mad at you, you don't want
me jealous do you?"
>She's teasing me
>I swear to god woman, i'll hold you down and show you how to
make glasses jealous right now.

>I don't say this.
>But she says she's going to get candles and we can all play
board games or something.

>She's off and down the hallway
>Leaving me alone with a fully-dressed glasses across the room
>I'm across the room in a blur
>I've got my hand outstretched and before she can realize it i've
got a hold of her throat and pinned her to the wall.
>before i can even realize it.
>This sounds violent, but i didn't want to hurt her
>It was about as soft a throat-hold as you can make
>I just wanted her to know that i was serious for once, that i
wasn't in a mood for fucking around.
>I tell her this
>She's barely illuminated by the flashlight from here, but i can
see she doesn't even flinch.

>She frowns
>"You don't deserve to not be fucked with"

>She doesn't even give me a chance to respond
>She goes to a proverbial town on me, my hand still on her
throat.
>No punches, only words, she tells me i'm absolute shit
>that i've just probably said something horribly mean to raven.
>that raven most likely is sitting in the corner of some dark
room crying
>that i've been trying to get with other women just to distract
myself from the fact that i did this
>Glasses is saying these the entire time with a smug look on her
face, even though i have her by the throat, she's not wavering.
>This is pissing me off
>I mean it should be
>I should be angry right?
>but i just don't have the anger, its not there, her words hit
where it hurt
>She called every single event and she wasn't even there
>How can she be so right
>But so wrong at the same time.
>I still can't bring myself to forgive raven.

>I ask her the question i know she can't answer
>"How do i forgive the things raven did"
>But i don't ask it like that
>I ask how i forgive a her hitting me after her past.
>About how her hitting me once would have more emotions behind it
than any of the other women beating me black and blue.
>About how her nearly drinking herself to death was selfishly
aimed at hurting me more than anyone else.
>I ask how i can forgive a girl that tried to kill herself, when
she knew i would never, ever, ever let myself down for it.
>I ask all of these things and more, i spill my inner emotions
out, the ones i've been hiding from even myself.
>I'm not even holding her anymore, i have both my hands on the
wall behind her
>i'm practically screaming before she stops me
>Glasses just smiles
>Her good ol "It's alright, everything will be ok" Smile.
>Then she says the wisest thing anyone's ever said to me
>"You don't"

>"...They'll always be there"
>"But she'll make the good outweigh the bad, she has to"
>I wasn't listening

>I heard, but i wasn't listening
>I've dropped my hands, i'm staring blindly at the floor.
>it's like i can't ever win with glasses
>no matter what i do, no matter how sure i am that she can't beat
me
>she wins
>I'm still not going to forgive raven, but i don't have good
reasons anymore
>It's just like the fight was sucked out of me
>like i had a fire raging within, and those two words
extinguished it.
>It was just a sad little smouldering pile of guilt
>Glasses just ducks around me and starts to leave
>I grab her hand... lightly
>She pauses
>I speak, it sounds like all the energy has been drained out of
me.
>"She's in the living room.... "
>I duck down and pick up one of the dry sweaters on the floor
>I hand it to glasses
>No words are needed

>She leaves, and i don't follow her
>I return to the master bed
>I return to staring at the ceiling
>The flashlight is shining across the room
>Where it hits the ceiling it makes a large and oblong circle
>The farthest part just fades away into darkness
>I'm just staring
>It's a while before i hear footsteps
>"Hey..."
>Its homely
>She's here for me.... and the flashlights
>She says the group is setting up a game of poker
>That i don't have to come, but she needs the flashlight in the
bathroom and on the table
>I briefly consider sitting here in the darkness
>But i can't stare at the ceiling in darkness, i can't escape my
thoughts
>I don't want to be left alone with those

>I follow the person stealing my flashlights to the living room
>Everyone's all grouped up, there's a couple candles spread
around and we have enough light to see by.
>I sit down with the group, as far away from you-know-who as i
can be.
>I'm sitting next to homely and glasses with our backs to the
couch.
>"See, i told you guys i could get him to come"
>She punctuates this by turning off the flashlights and tossing
them across the room onto the armchair
>Fucking manipulative bitch
>Nobody responds to her
>I don't think anyone really wanted me here anyway
>The mood in the room is actually shit
>Raven's staring down at the floor and wearing the sweater
glasses gave her, she's just being quiet, she knows i hate her.
>Glasses is trying to avoid eye contact with Blondie, who is
staring daggers across at both her, and myself.
>Glasses isn't looking at me either.
>Frankly i think there's at least two other wars going on i'm not
privy to.
>Even still, birthday just ignores it and deals us all hands.

>I look down at my cards

>Probably the worst poker hand i've been dealt in my life

>I can feel the glares of everyone on me while im looking down at
them.

>I just ignore them

>I try to block it all out and concentrate on nothingness

>On the sound of the rain

>Its soothing, empty, white sound i can relax to

>I've forgotten there were angry people in the room, well until i
get tapped on the shoulder.

>Birthday has been calling my name this entire time trying to get
me to take my turn.

>I throw down some cards, get newer shittier ones and blank off
into the sound of rain

>I'm counting the lines on the jack of diamonds before i get
tapped on the shoulder again

>It's my turn already

>They've been calling my name again

>"Listen you two, if neither of you are going to even pay
attention then why are you playing this"

>Its Birthday
>She's talking about raven too it seems
>I mumble something about being tired and just put down my cards
and fold
>so does blondie and raven
>Glasses and Homely lose their respective hands
>I'm not even paying attention
>I'm in a different place thinking about different things
>Birthday announces she wins and can dare someone now.
>I didn't even know we were playing with dares as rules.
>"I Dare Raven and Storybro to become friends again"
>well that's actually the most childish dare i've ever heard in
my life
>It doesn't work like that
>I just give her a sad look and tell her that road is closed
>This doesn't go over well
>The entire group of girls is making the saddest faces i can see
>I don't even look at raven.
>Birthday just gives a defeated sigh and calls the other girls
for a huddle
>I don't know what they're planning but i don't like it
>Probably involves something i'll hate

>They turn around and declare they have an appropriate dare
>Raven and I have to spend 5 minutes in the bathroom alone
because we're ruining the mood.
>Of course i hate it.

>I don't seem to have a choice though
>I'm actually grabbed by Homely and Birthday and dragged off
towards the master bedroom again
>This is a shitty dare
>I'm just going to sit in a corner and not talk for 5 minutes
>I don't understand how juvenile these girls really are
>This is like getting angry because your parents divorced and
crying until they get back together
>It's a childish delusion that won't work, i don't know why they
think it will.
>They're oddly silent the entire time
>They aren't even stepping loudly, as if they're afraid of
scaring me.
>Its putting a worse damper on my mood than i was already
>It's like they're marching me to be executed or something
>Knowing them, probably.



>We're at the master bedroom, homely has flashlights and she's
shining them into the bathroom
>She's standing solemnly, like she knows something i don't.
>I don't understand why we came all the way over to this side of
the house
>I don't understand why we're doing this dare
>I give up, and just walk in
>I don't even look at raven, but i can hear people dragging her
and getting kicked.
>Good girl, make em regret being so fucking childish i guess
>After some more scuffling, it seems the door is closed because
the bathroom goes pitch black

>Hey wait a second we need a flashlight you faggots

>I scream this
>I think i include the word faggots
>They aren't going to give us one
>"Time starts as soon as you go turn on the shower storybro, so
we know you're alive in there"
>what the fuck is up with these rules and things
>I'm getting more and more fed up with these girl's shit
>I can't see anything at all
>I have to navigate across like seven things between the shower
and me
>I manage to hit the counter, the bathtub and the shower before
stubbing my toe on the shower stall
>I'm cursing up a storm
>I get in the shower, which is slippery, and make my way finally
over to the handle and turn it on
>which i'm standing right under the nozzle of
>OF COURSE
>So now i'm fucking soaking wet, and this stupid god damn dare
can start as i turn off the shower
>But i hear scraping
>What the fuck.


>Oh no oh fuck no

>They better not be

>I'm trying to get out of the shower

>I hit my knee on something, i bang my foot on something else
outside the stall

>I slide atleast three feet past the toilet on something wet

>I hit my wrist on the counter

>I trip over someone's legs and i finally make it to the door

>It won't open

>You're not serious

>I try with all my weight, i can't open it

>No no what the fuck

>this is cheating

>I'm banging and yelling at them

>There's no laughter

>They're dead serious

>They've moved the fucking cabinet in front of the door

>That's why they had me turn on the shower, so i couldn't stop
them.

>I don't understand
>This door fucking opens inward what did they do with a cabinet
>I can turn the handle , but the door doesn't even budge an inch.
>They've tied it or something
>I'm banging furiously and trying with all my weight
>I'm cold
>The bathroom is still steamy, so moisture is all over everything
>I'm half soaking wet
>There's puddles all over the floor
>I'm pretty sure there's a wet towel somewhere too
>And i'm locked in here with the one girl in the house i don't
want to be locked in a room with
>I'm not keeping this in
>I'm yelling this

>I'm banging on the door, over and over

>They hear me
>I know they hear me
>I call them all kinds of nasty names
>My fists are hurting
>I tell them i'd rather be locked in with anyone else

>Someone who won't try to kill themselves and expect me to save
them
>Someone who won't get drunk and hit me as some twisted cry for
help
>I tell them that i hate all of them
>I tell them that they've ruined any chances of us ever being
friends again
>I tell them that i'm leaving this sleepover as soon as they let
me out
>My fists are burning
>My lungs are burning
>I'm out of breath, i can't feel my arms
>I stop
>All i can hear is my own breathing in the bathroom

>I don't think they were out there
>they would have said something right
>this part of the house is rather far away from the others, if
they had left to the living room they wouldn't have heard any of
it.
>well, maybe muffled yells, but none of the content
>I sink to my knees
>I'm still breathing heavily
>I can't see anything, there's no windows in this bathroom
>It's just pitch black, absolute pitch black.
>I just stare, for all i know there could be miles in front of
me, or a door just inches ahead
>It's all a joke right
>Its a big joke
>They'll come back in 5 minutes
>Right?

>I'm cold
>Goosebumps
>Shivering even
>My teeth are at that point where they're almost clattering
together, but aren't yet making a sound.
>I can't hear anyone else in the bathroom with me
>I can't hear breathing besides my own
>I know raven is here somewhere in the darkness
>I'm too annoyed being cold and wet to care though
>I start searching the bathroom for towels to wrap myself in
>The lower cabinets have nothing, i cross the entire bathroom
checking every shelf and drawer i can find

>I find a single wet towel on the floor beneath the shower stall.
>I still haven't found raven yet.
>I remember the girls were trading off towels
>And i remember the last one being outside
>I've given up my search
>I settle myself against the door, wrapped my arms around trying
to stay warmer than i was feeling
>It doesn't help, the bathroom is too moist to be warm in the
clothes, or lack thereof i'm in.
>I'm just going to close my eyes and wait for this to be over
>Almost the second i do though, i hear a voice
>"I wish you hadn't found me"

>It's raven, she's in here somewhere with me
>She's just said the worst possible thing
>She's just said the worst possible thing she could ever say
>She remembers it all
>I might have been able to forgive her if she hadn't, if she had
pretended it all didn't happen.
>But she remembers it all
>And even better
>She wishes i never found her
>Let's just make sure i'm hearing this correctly.
>Maybe she doesn't even realize why i'm so angry at her.
>"If i hadn't found you, you would have died."
>No emotion, or a mixture of no emotion and sadness. I don't know
what i managed to make it sound like.
>It's silent for a short while
>She must be just realizing what happened, why i'm mad at her,
why she fucked up, it must all be making sense right now and it
didn't before.
>Instead, what i get is a Cold, Calculated, Answer.
>"I know"

>"YOU KNOW"
>I'm angry
>Not just angry; I'm feeling outraged,

> infuriated,
> resentful...
> betrayed.
> all of them at the same time.
>She must realize what that would mean
>She's brilliant, i kept telling you she's brilliant
>She knows exactly why i was so hurt, why every time i thought of
her now my stomach twists and i want to hurl.
>"If i hadn't found you, i would have blamed myself."
>It's not much of a sentence
>I break into a cracking pitch change at the end, but i've got to
continue it.
>"It would have eaten me, i would have.... i would have killed
myself"
>I break into a sob before i even say it, but it's still there
>The reason i can't talk to her
>The reason i can't stand her
>Is because i knew that if she had really died, if we had really
found her under that bed later, covered in vomit with lifeless
eyes.
>It would have been my fault
>All and entirely my fault, even if she did it all on her own it
didn't matter.
>I would have blamed myself, ripped my consciousness to shreds.
Maybe not that day, or even that week.
>But i would take my own life, that would be it.

>That's not an exaggeration.
>If she had died, there would be no story to tell.
>Have you ever contemplated suicide anons?
>[spoiler]Not just thought about it, i mean taken yourself to the
very point at which you make the decision on whether to live or
die[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]Held the knife, the bottle of pills, the ring of
rope.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]It's a confusing concept to many, the idea of being so
sad that you want to end your own life to make it better, it's
something people can't fathom,[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]It's so alien that there's a thousand and one people
who will tell you all kinds of ways to make it better, there's
reaction images and jokes about it, suicide is considered an
"Easy" way out.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]That's not true, it's not easy at all, it's probably
the hardest thing you'll ever contemplate doing in your life, the
careful measurement of what you'll gain and what you may lose in
the future.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]They don't really understand, they've never been to the
edge and held their own life in the palm of their hands[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]Just know that its not a choice, its a feeling, you
can't pick it, it's just there. You can't stop a feeling anons,
no matter how hard you try.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]I wish i could tell you why, i really do. But the
events would let you pinpoint my location down to a mile, and i
just can't risk that.[/spoiler]
>But just know i'd been that close before. Seconds away even.
>And there's one reason i'm still around to tell you this story
>And she's here in the bathroom with me.

>So now you understand why i can't look at her
>Why my stomach turns every time.
>Now you'll understand what her next words made me feel.
>Even if she didn't say them as much as release them in a
strangled cry.
>"I know."

>It was confirmed
>The bitch was trying to kill me
>It's like Blondie all over again
>I knew she couldn't be trusted
>Ill fucking find her and kill her first, that's what i'm going
to do
>gonna reenact the last scene of evangelion up in here
>I stand up, check the counter
>She's not sitting on it
>I guess i'll search the entire floor
>I'm crawling on my hands and knees again and going through the
bathroom trying to guess where she's hiding.
>Not under the toilet
>Not beside the cabinet
>I check the entire shower, she's not in here
>I even call out "Marco" a couple times and she doesn't respond.

>I'm seriously going to choke this bitch out though
>And not the sexy kind
>Or that half sexy kind half really kinky kind
>All i want to do is choke her and then slit my wrists and bleed
out or something
>Serve the fucking bitches right when they open the door
>My only emotion left is "Fuck this gay earth"
>I don't think i can explain how emotionally broken i was.
>I'm just sitting there silently remembering how freezing cold
this room is
>I hear something
>It's teeth chattering
>She's shivering, giving away her safe location
>I follow it
>I bump into something large and ceramic in the corner
>Oh right the bathtub
>I climb over the edge and start trying to grab into it
>The damn thing is bigger than i think and i end up just tumbling
headfirst into it
>This is like a mansion-sized bathtub, it's actually huge like
the shower.


>I fumble around and manage to right myself by grabbing onto a
handle
>Its smooth and silver, and when i try to use it to pull myself
up it gives way a little bit.
>It's the tap, there's water flowing somewhere in the bathtub but
i don't know where, i can't feel it yet.
>Cold or hot, i don't care because i can't find the handle again,
but i've found a leg
>It's definitely hers, i grab her knee forcibly and claw my way
up the bathtub
>I claw up her skirt, the base of her sweatshirt, i'm half
crawling half using her as some kind of ladder.
>As i get higher she's giving off sounds like i'm hurting her
>I sure hope i am.
>The water has found our legs, it's freezing cold, i don't care.
>I have one thought on my mind, and its that i'm actually going
to kill her
>I'm going to end this nightmare of a reality that i've woken up
into, and i'm going to go back to the happy times before this
fucking sleepover.
>As soon as i kill her, that's it, that's the end of this entire
ordeal.
>These words are echoing around in my head and they make so much
sense
>My thoughts have never made so much sense in my life.

>I'm above her entire body now
>I can hear her breathing
>It's not soft, its heavy, fearful breathing
>I know she can hear mine, it's frantic
>I can smell her hair, peppermint.
>Our last happy memories together i guess.
>I don't know if she knows what i'm going to do yet
>But my hands scrabble across her chest and to her neck
>I wrap them both around it, it's slender, smooth and hot
>I can feel her juglar pulsing against my hand
>I can feel every breath she's taking through my fingers.
>She knows now.
>But i tell her again anyway
>"I'm going to kill you."

>She lets out a couple sentences before i get sick of her talking
>"No, please!"
>Its frantic , i press against her throat harder
>"Stop, i'll do anything!"
>begging
>"I have som-
>pleading
>That's when i get sick of her words and squeeze

>Have you ever killed someone anon?
>Tried?
>I don't expect any of you have. Maybe a select few.
>[spoiler]It's not what you would think its like, it's not scary,
it's not terrifying, it's not sickening to watch yourself do
it[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]It's exciting.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]You have enough adrenaline, endorphins and other
chemicals flowing through your body that you've never felt
before[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]You see humans were originally a species that chased
down creatures in the wild and killed them with their bare hands.
Its an instinct, a reward mechanic that exists solely from our
ancestors[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]It feeds you chemicals, it feeds you an emotion you've
never felt before, it's an untapped source of enjoyment, of
pleasure, that exists in all people[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]Imagine a sensation like love, or fear, or sadness, or
the pleasure of having sex with someone else. Killing is similar,
it fits right in with all the rest.[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]And it's wrong, in every sense of the word, to almost
every culture on the planet. To take a human life with your bare
hands, to try even[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]But here's the kicker. You like it. You enjoy it. It
feels good. Like a river is raging through your veins, like your
body temperature has risen a full three degrees in seconds. It
feels.... powerful.[/spoiler]

>[spoiler]I hope you never feel it someday. I really hope. Lonely
anons.[/spoiler]

>Thats what i feel
>Powerful
>I have her life in my hands
>Her hands go straight to mine, she's grabbing my wrists, clawing
me with her nails as i feel her throat convulse under my hands.
>The scratches feel good.
>She's trying to kick me, splashes of water flooding back and
forth in the growing pool below us
>She can't reach
>I hold her there for hours, minutes maybe even seconds.
>Eventually i let off on the pressure
>However long it was, she chokes and gasps
>I feel the air flow past me, i feel the spittle hit me in the
face as she tries to alleviate the pain from having her neck
pressed in.
>Her hands are still trying to force mine away, she's not strong
enough, just not enough leverage and the wrong angle to stop me.

>I feel the most curious sensation where i'm straddling her
>My legs are cold, the water rising and slowly sending chills
throughout my flesh
>My sweatpants are soaked through
>But my crotch...
>Well there's no non-sick way to say this
>I was rock hard
>All her squirming
>All her trying to break free
>The kicking
>The Adrenaline
>My hands holding her life up and at any time i can extinguish it
>Whatever the mixture of feelings was, it was arousing to me on
some primal level.
>The sickening implications of that in my mind just twisted me
even more out of shape than i already was
>I just froze there, holding her down against the cool ceramic of
the bathtub by her throat
>not enough pressure to choke, but too much to escape.
>That's when i realize the ceramic was colder than it should have
been
>My knuckles were in the freezing water and it was slowly rising.

>I had no intentions of moving
>It was lapping at the sides of her neck, i could feel it
caressing me
>If i just held her here eventually the water would do the job
for me, i'd just have to be patient and wait
>It couldn't be more than a couple minutes at most.
>I leaned in close
>took a long inhalation of her scent again.
>It was soft, and fragrant like an old childhood memory. Still
peppermint, but the old smell, the smell she always had on her in
just the faintest way. The smell i always remembered every time i
hugged her.
>It was there too.
>She's not speaking anymore
>Nor is she scrabbling with her fingers, i think she's drawn
blood around my wrists
>I can feel a liquid seeping down, and i can almost hear the
drip... drip... drip of something hitting her sweater.
>But the water is too loud, and it's much higher now, lapping at
her ears i would guess
>She wouldn't be able to hear me soon.
>So i asked her a question
>"Give me one reason to let you live."

>I doubt you've asked anyone that question

>But you would expect begging

>Pleading

>Prayers

>Bargaining

>I expected a whole slew of answers

>But not the one i got

>Silence

>She said nothing

>Not a single word

>Not a single sound

>I couldn't take it

>Why wasn't she talking

>The water was up to her ears now

>I know she heard me

>She's not struggling

>She's not limp, her hands are still firmly grasping my wrists

>I'm still holding her against the bottom of the tub, she can't
move her head, she knows the water is rising.

>"WHY WON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING"

>I'm screaming

>I'm straining all my muscles

>I can't see her face

>how badly i want to see her face

>See the fear in her eyes

>but she won't even plead, she won't even beg

>She won't even let me know how much she wants to live

>its just silence

>"THEY'RE THE LAST WORDS YOU'LL EVER SAY"

>"THE LAST WORDS YOU'LL EVER TELL ME"

>"SAY SOMETHING"

>I'm frantic

>the water is up to her chin and seeping in the edges of her
mouth

>she's not silent anymore, she's giving spits and gasps

>coughs as the water enters her throat

>each time she coughs i feel her throat spasm

>That's it, the waters there, its flooding into and filling her
mouth

>Then, she coughs out three garbled words
>"I"
>"Love"
>"You"
>It's loud enough for me to hear
>She's not scrabbling at my wrists, or drawing blood anymore
>She's not kicking and screaming
>She just tenses up
>Her hands are around my arms and for each word she gives a
squeeze.
>On the last, she holds it.
>YOU STUPID GIRL
>YOU IDIOTIC STUPID FUCKING GIRL
>YOU HAD TO SAY THOSE WORDS
>FOR ANYTHING ELSE I MIGHT HAVE STOPPED
>I MIGHT HAVE ENDED IT AND LEFT
>BUT NO
>YOU STUPID GIRL
>I CAN'T LET YOU LIVE NOW
>I take my hands and squeeze, as hard as i've ever squeezed
before
>I know i'm going to crack something, her larynx, her jugular,
i'm going to kill her before the water can.
>I'm stressing my muscles to the limit as i feel her face fully
submerge.

>Then that's it
>My muscles tense up and give out
>I lose grip, i'm no longer even holding myself up, my arms cramp
up and stop working
>it's like a muscle spasm, i just lose control of the situation
and find myself on my side halfway submerged in the water
>I'm glad
>i would have killed her
>I don't bother moving
>One eye and ear is below, one above.
>I hear coughing

>The sound of water falling off of wet clothes into a pool
>sputtering
>retching
>shivering
>I'm dimly aware she's vomiting.

>I hear a hand grasping around in the water
>it finds my face
>it finds my hair
>i'm yanked upwards
>i feel her breath
>It's sour
>i feel her forehead against mine
>and then she's kissing me
>she tastes like bile
>Arcid
>Acidic
>Bitter
>Disgusting
>It tastes like partially digested pizza
>i'm gagging
>There's chunks of food left over in her mouth and her teeth
>Her tongue won't let me not taste them
>I pull away from her and empty my stomach into the tub as well.
>it burns all the way up and all the way out until the retching
stops.

>it wasn't romantic
>she was sharing the suffering
>She's still coughing
>Trying to clear her throat
>I know what being strangled feels like
>Your throat feels like somethings in it, even though there's
nothing there anymore.
>It feels itchy, painful
>I hear her cough again, and the sound of water dripping off her
clothes
>I assume she's pulled herself out of the tub because i hear a
clunk on the tile
>I'm shivering still
>The water is absolutely as cold as it could be from the tap
>I grab the edge of the tub and try to pull myself out
>My arms are heavy
>Weak
>I manage to force my chest over the edge
>I roll my lower body over and fall the 2 feet to the ground
>I don't land on raven, but i nearly do, i'm lying right beside
her.
>She must have rolled over

>I've got one question on my mind
>"Say it again"
>I still have the taste of bile in my mouth, both mine and hers
>The bathroom smells like vomit
>We're shivering on the floor, i can hear my teeth and her teeth
chattering away like skeletons
>But i want to hear her say it again
>She's silent
>"Say it again"
>I repeat myself louder
>She's silent
>But then she manages "I love you"
>its soft, it's delicate, it feels like it has meaning
>But its not what i want
>Its not what i want her to say.

>"Put your hands on my throat"
>I'm trying to be as confident as i possibly can, i'm still
having stomach convulsions
>"W... what"
>She's not understanding
>"CHOKE ME"
>I bellow it, i need her hands around my neck
>I grab at her arms, and force one to my throat, the other
follows
>I make sure they've got a firm grip
>"Now choke me, feel the power you have over me"
>She gives a couple light squeezes, weak really, no effect.
>I bellow through her squeezes "HARDE-
>Her fingers tense and squeeze tightly around my throat, i can't
breathe
>There's an intense pressure, it hurts desperately bad.
>I'm lying on my arms so i can't fight back either, it's perfect.

>She holds on until i start seeing stars

>Its beautiful, seeing stars in a pitch black room.

>They spin, they twist, they're the only thing you see.

>She holds on and lets go, stops for whatever reason

>It's alright, i wouldn't have minded dying, but i had that
question still

>I tell her that she's got me right where i need to be

>She has all the power in the situation

>"I'm going to ask you a question"

>"If your answer is no, strangle me until i'm unconscious and tie
me up"

>I'm dead serious with these words

>"if you lie, ill kill you when i find out"

>She's not saying anything, but i feel her hands squeeze on my
neck

>She's scared i know she is, but she has all the cards, i've
given them all to her.

>"I need to know if it was the truth, or you were just scared and
willing to tell me anything"

>"Do you love me."

>Her voice is soft
>But its not words
>She coughs
>Clearing her throat, or it still feels pressured, i don't know
>Her breath is soft too, like a sleeping child
>She coughs again
>but she speaks this time
>"you're so stupid"
>She squeezes her hands together
>Tighter
>Tighter
>I can't breathe,
>I'm seeing stars again
>Beautiful stars
>But i hear her slide closer
>She whispers in my ear
>"You've never noticed..."
>My lungs are burning
>"But i've always loved you."
>Then the stars went out.