Subject: More limericks...
Date: 12 Oct 88 14:08:56 GMT

I just received a load of limericks from a friend of mine, and I
thought that this group just might appreciate them....

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There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
     Not rounded and pink,
     As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.


There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
     But a fall on his cutlass
     Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.


To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
     Has your east tit the least bit
     The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"


A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
     And the cube of its weight
     Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number - give him a call.


There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
     But Pabst took a chance,
     Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.


There was an old Count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
     So with great savoir-faire
     She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.


There was a young fellow named Bart
Who strained every shit through a fart.
     Each tip-tapered turd
     Was the very last word
In this deft and most intricate art.


On a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
     'Twas fun in the breeding
     But hell in the feeding:
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.


There was a young tar from the sea
Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
     The results were most horrid -
     All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.


There was a young lady named White
Found herself in a terrible plight:
     A mucker named Tucker
     Had struck her, the fucker,
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!


There was a young fellow of Kent
Who had a peculiar bent.
     He collected the turds
     Of various birds,
And ate them for lunch during Lent.


There once was a harlot at Yale
With her price-list tattooed on her tail,
     And on her behind,
     For the sake of the blind,
She had it embroidered in Braille.


There was an old lady of Cheadle
Who sat down in church on a needle.
     The needle, though blunt,
     Penetrated her cunt,
But was promptly removed by the beadle.


There was a young man from Sioux Falls
Renowned in vaudeville halls;
     His favorite trick
     Was to stand on his prick
And then slide off the stage on his balls!


Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep,
"I'm so tired and worn I could weep.
     It's my husband's demand
     For a tit in each hand -
And the bastard walks 'round in his sleep!"


An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
     He lighted the hair
     Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she peed through the flames.


THE ACROBAT

There was a young fellow named Dick
Who perfected a wonderful trick:
     He'd get an erection
     And scorn all protection,
Then balance himself on his prick.

'Twas a fearful and wonderful sight;
And the ladies all shrieked with delight;
     But the men were less zealous,
     For it made them all jealous,
And they said Dick had no copyright!

Then each of them tried it and failed,
While their wives looked on helpless and wailed
     For each one would teeter
     And fall on his peter,
Or manage to get all derailed.

So Dick was the toast of the town;
There was nothing too good for that clown,
     And the wives all came flocking
     To the acrobat's cocking,
While the husbands deplored his renown.

And then came the best part of all:
That number would bring down the hall;
     For his tour-de-force trick
     Was to straddle his prick,
And wheel out of sight on one ball!

The ladies all ran to tease Dick
That the Frenchman had bettered his trick;
     So he straddled and struggled,
     And one ball he juggled,
But he knocked out his prop with a kick.

Now the tragedy didn't end there;
For as Richard whirled down through the air,
     His prick became tied
     In a knot that defied
All attempts to untangle its snare.

Most men would have died of remorse,
But Dick found another resource:
     For pretzels he'd pose
     With a twisted-up hose,
And he made a nice income, of course.


A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
     Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
     Or wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."


There was a young girl of Baroda
Who built an erotic pagoda;
     The walls of its halls
     Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.


There was a young blade of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
     When he got into bed
     His lady friend said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."


There was a young fellow of Buckingham,
Wrote a treatise on cunts and on fucking 'em;
     But later his work
     Was eclipsed by a Turk
Wrote an opus on assholes and sucking 'em.


I once knew a clever young bitch
Who owned a self-frigger the which
     She would use with delight
     Far into the night,
Twenty bucks - Abercrombie & Fitch.


There once was a young man from Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach;
     So long was his tool
     It was wound on a spool
In-ich, by in-ich, by in-ich!


"It's no good," said Lady Maud Hoare,
"I can't concentrate anymore.
     I'm all in a sweat
     And the sheets are quite wet,
And look at the time - half past four!"


Said the mythical King of Algiers
To his harem assembled, "My dears,
     You may think it odd of me
     But I'm tired of sodomy;
Tonight there'll be fucking!" (Loud cheers!)


There was a young farmer of Nant,
Whose conduct was gay and gallant;
     For he fucked all his dozens
     Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.


>From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
     Said the vicar, "Good gracious!
     Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"


There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who used to take cocks without picking' 'em.
     She'd kneel on the sod,
     And pray to her God
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.


Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus;
     They found her vagina
     In North Carolina
And half of her asshole in Dallas.


A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
     Saw a man come along,
     And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.


There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
     Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.


There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
     When they got into bed
     He cried, "God strike me dead!
Now this ain't a cunt - it's a corridor!"


In Wall Street a girl named Irene
Made an offering somewhat obscene:
     She stripped herself bare
     And offered a share
To Merrill Lynch, Fenner and Beane.


THE BISHOP OF BIRMINGHAM

There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em:
     They lifted the frock
     And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.

The Bishop was nobody's fool -
He'd been to a large public school;
     He took down his britches
     And diddled those bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't bother those two;
They said as the Bishop withdrew;
     "Oh, the Vicar is quicker
     And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you."


I once knew a very queer lass
Who had a triangular ass.
     Now it might sound absurd
     But the shape of her turd
Was a stately pyramidal mass!


A thrifty old man named McEwen
Inquired, "Why bother with screwing?
     It's safer and cleaner
     To finger your weiner,
And besides you can see what you're doing."


There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained that so many men goosed her.
     So over her caper
     She laid some sandpaper
Now they goose her much less than they used ter.


A habit obscene and unsavory
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery.
     With maniacal howls
     He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary.


There was a young fellow named Wyatt
Who kept a big girl on the quiet;
     But down on the wharf
     He maintained a dwarf,
In case he should go on a diet.


There was a young Turkish cadet -
And this is the damnedest one yet -
     His tool was so long
     And incredibly strong
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.


There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble
     But so fragile, so slender
     So dainty and tender
That he kept it encased in a thimble.


There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born;
     And he wouldn't have been
     If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.


There was a young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
     Great tufts of fine grass
     Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.


There once was a Bishop of Treet
Who decided to be indiscreet,
     But after one round
     To his horror he found
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat!


There was a young girl from France
Who jumped on a bus in a trance.
     Six passengers fucked her,
     Besides the conductor,
And the driver shot twice in his pants.


A nympho by name of Calpurnia
Grew hotter and hotter and burnier.
     So she fucked and she fucked
     And she fucked and she fucked
'Til she fucked herself into a hernia.


A steward who worked on a clipper
Was quite a bit of a nipper;
     He plugged up his ass
     With fragments of glass
And circumcised the skipper.


There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
     The one was so small
     'Twas nothing at all -
But the other - it won several prizes!


A pretty young harlot of Crete
Used to hawk her meat in the street.
     Ambling out one fine day
     In a most casual way,
She clapped up the whole British fleet.


There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice:
     He had virgins and boys
     And mechanical toys -
And on Mondays, he meddled with mice!


There was a smart miss had a hernia
Who said to her doctor, "Goldernia,
     When improving my middle
     Be sure you don't fiddle
With matters that do not concernia."


There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
     He said, "O my love,
     It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."


There was a young fellow of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric;
     For he could by election
     Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, Doric.


There was a young man from Berlin
Whose tool was the size of a pin.
     Said his girl with a laugh
     As she fondled his shaft,
"Well, THIS won't be much of a sin."


A flatulent Roman named Titus
Was taken with sudden colitis;
     And the venerable Forum
     Lost most of its quorum
As he farted up half of the situs.


There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
     He not only fucked her,
     And buggered and sucked her -
But left her to pay for the room.


There was a young lady of Ealing,
Endowed with such delicate feeling,
     When she read on the door:
     "Don't piss on the floor" -
She lay down and pissed on the ceiling.


There was a young girl of East Anglia
Whose loins were a tangle of ganglia.
     Her mind was a webbing
     Of Freud and Krafft-Ebing
And all sorts of other new-fanglia.


There was a young fellow named Cass
Whose balls were made of spun glass.
     He'd clink them together
     And play "Stormy Weather",
While lightning shot out of his ass.


A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice,
     Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -
     I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."


A brainy professor named Zed
Dreamed one night of a buxom co-ed;
     Me mussed her and bussed her
     And otherwise fussed her,
But the action was all in his head.


There was an old man of Tagore
Who tried out his cook on the floor;
     He used Bridget's twidget
     To fidget his digit
And now she won't cook anymore.


There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
     Having reasoned that candles
     Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they never went soft.


THE MAN WHO ONLY SCREWED

There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
     For he had an aversion
     To every perversion
And only liked screwing his wife.

Well, one year the poor woman struck
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
     "Oh, where has it gotten us
     This goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?"


There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
     "Aha!" said the mate,
     "That accounts for the state
Of the cook and the captain and me."


Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
     The force of the blast
     Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.


A pretty young boy known as Kevin
Was raped in a pasture by seven
     Lascivious beasts -
     Oh, those Anglican priests! -
For of such is the kingdom of heaven.


King Louis game a lesson in "Class,"
Simultaneously sexing a lass.
     When she used the word "Damn"
     He rebuked her:  "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue up my ass."


Well-screwed was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lads in his class
     But he said, with a yawn
     "Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."


A pansy by name of Ben Bloom
Took a lesbian up to his room,
     They talked the whole night
     As to who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.


A mortician who practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
     "I couldn't know, Judge!
     She was cold, didn't budge -
Just the same as she acted in life."


I dined with the Duchess of Lee
Who asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
     Replied I, with quick wit,
     "Do you belch when you shit?
Say, Duchess, chalk one up for me."


There once was a girl named McGoffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
     At sex, never bested
     She never was rested
Until she was screwed in her coffin.


A reckless young man from Fort Blaney
Made love to a spinster named Janie.
     When his friends said, "Oh dear,
     She's so old and so queer."
He replied, "But the day was SO rainy!"


A fencing instructor named Fisk
In sex was terribly brisk.
     So fast was his action
     The Fitzgerald contraction
Foreshortened his foil to a disk.


A Bishop whose see was Vermont
User to jerk himself off in the font.
     The baptistry stank
     With an odor most rank,
And no one would sit up in front.


There was a young monk on Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee.
     He said, "Pax vobiscum!
     Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the C-L-A-P."


A charming young lady from Brussels
Takes pride in her vaginal muscles.
     For any erection
     Her timing's perfection
And she never hurries - she hustles.


A lovesick skydiver named Sherm
Bailed out with his prick long and firm;
     Two jerks plus a spasm
     Produced an orgasm,
And he spelled out "I love you" in sperm.


A freshman with visions Elysian
Once screwed an appendix incision,
     But the girl of his choice
     Could hardly rejoice
At this horrible lack of precision.


A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed.
     Read a sign o'er the head
     Of her well-rumpled bed:
"The Customer Always Comes First!"


A trucker by name of McBride
Had a young whore that he hired
     To fuck when not trucking.
     But trucking plus fucking
Got him so fucking tired he got fired.


There once was a warden of Wadham
Who approved of the folkways of Sodom.
     "For a man might," he said
     "Have a very poor head
But be a fine fellow, at bottom."


There was a young lady from Brent -
When her husband's pecker it bent,
     She said with a sigh,
     "Oh, why must it die?
Let's fill it with Portland Cement."


There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
     He said that he should
     That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.


There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
     The colors were fine;
     The drawing - divine!
But the smell was a terrible failure!


There was a young Catholic, Alice,
Who peed in the Bishop's new chalice;
     But that worthy agreed
     That 'twas done out of need,
And not out of Protestant malice.


There was a young girl from Madrid
Who learned she was having a kid.
     By holding her water
     Two months and a quarter,
She drowned the poor bastard, she did.


A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh, and whinny.
     The hunting set chased her;
     But soon they displaced her
When the pitch of her organ went tinny.


There was a young man of St. Johns
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
     "Oh no," said the porter,
     "Go bugger my daughter -
Them swans is reserved for the Dons."


There was a young man of Belgravia,
Who cared not for God nor for Savior;
     He walked down the Strand
     With his prick in his hand,
And was had for indecent behavior.


There was a soprano from Reggio
Whose cunt was trained in solfeggio;
     One day a contraction
     Caused such a reaction,
She pissed - and missed an arpeggio!


There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
     Her mother said, "Rose,
     It's the crabs, I suppose."
Said Rose, "And the buggers are itchin'!"


I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
     You feel more at ease,
     Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.


A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill,
     When they learned of his habits
     Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.


At the orgy I fucked twenty-two;
And, man, was I glad to get through.
     A whole night of sexing
     Turns boring and vexing -
But at orgies, what else can you do?


A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
     "The height of my folly
     Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."


There was a young man from St. Paul
Whose cock was exceedingly small.
     Now it might do for a keyhole
     Or a little girl's peehole
But for a big girl like me - not at all!


'Tis reported that Prince Montezuma
Once had an affair with a puma.
     The puma in play
     Clawed both balls away:
An example of animal humor.


A prosperous merchant of Rhone
Took orders for cunt on the phone;
     Or the same could be baled,
     Stamped, labeled, and mailed
To a limited parcel-post zone.


There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
     The hatch of her snatch
     Had a catch that would latch -
She could only be screwed by Houdini.


There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babes were fashioned by God,
     But 'twas not the Almighty
     Who hiked up her nightie -
It was Roger the lodger, by God!


There was a young fellow from Boston
Who rode all around in an Austin.
     There was room for his ass
     And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung outside, and he lost 'em.


A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
     And in his depravity
     He filled the wrong cavity -
And my how his practice has grown!


An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
     She will use her bare fist
     If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.


There was a young lady of Rheims
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
     A friend poked around
     And a coat button found
Wedged tightly in one of her seams.


An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
     A woman is fine
     And a sheep is divine -
But a llama is Numero Uno!"


A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
     He can use it to plow,
     Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.


There once was a gangster named Brown,
The wiliest bastard in town.
     He was caught by the G-men
     Shooting his semen
Where the cops would all slip and fall down.


There once was a young man of Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
     To save himself trouble
     He put it in double -
And instead of coming - he went!


There was an old man of Madrid
Who went to an auction to bid.
     In the first lot they sold
     Was an ancient commode -
And, my god, when they lifted the lid!


There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
     But her cunt had a pucker
     That made the men fuck her
Again, and again, and again.


There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
     Said he, "I'll admit
     She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"


There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
     A fellow named Cheddar
     Had the brashness to wed her,
And his chance of survival is slight.


There once was a lady from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
     He said, "My dear Flo,
     Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard) - I beg pardon?"


There was a young lady of Chichester
Who made all the saints in their niches stir.
     One morning, at matins,
     Her breasts in white satins
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.


A big Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.
     In spells of depression
     He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in his box.


There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
     Whenever he'd pass
     A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.


There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
     The miller's son, Jack,
     Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.


There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
     As he wiped off his chin,
     He said with a grin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it."


There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
     She said with a grin,
     "If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."


There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
     For even with Venus
     His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than t
                            h
                            i
                            s.


There was a young girl from Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit
     She'd contract her vagina
     To a pinpoint or finer
Or widen it out like a quoit.


There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball,
     But two sons-of-bitches
     Pulled off his britches,
And the bastard had no balls at all.


THAT FELLOW NAMED SKINNER

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
     They started to dine
     At a quarter past nine -
And at twenty to ten it was in 'er.
     The dinner?  No, Skinner.
     Skinner was in 'er BEFORE dinner.

There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
     They sat down to dine
     At a quarter to nine,
And at twenty to ten it was up 'er.
     Not the supper - not Tupper - it was some
     son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!


There was a young girl of Llewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
     They were big, it was true,
     But her cunt was big too,
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
  of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.


There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine:
     Both concave and convex,
     It would fit either sex -
And so perfectly simple to clean!


There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
     Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
     I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."


A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
     In twenty-eight days
     They screwed eighty ways -
Imagine such fucking devotion!


There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
     He said, "When I'm muddled
     My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws."


There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was seized with a carnal desire.
     And the primary cause
     Was the abbess' drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.


A lecherous Bishop of Peoria
In a state of constant euphoria,
     Enjoyed having fun
     With a whore or a nun
While chanting the Sanctus and Gloria.


There was a young man named Mirkin
Who kept on a-jerkin' his gherkin;
     Said his wife to Mirkin,
     "Your duty you're shirkin'
That gherkin's for firkin', not jerkin'."


There once was a lovely young miss
Who went down the river to read.
     A young man in a punt
     Stuck an oar in her eye
And now she has to wear glasses!


In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his madam,
     And loud was his mirth
     For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls - and he had 'em.


There was a young girl from Sofia
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
     She said, "It's a sin,
     But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"


There once was a girl of Siam
Who said to her love, young Khayyam,
     "If you take me, of course,
     You must do it by force,
But God knows you are stronger than I am."


A lady on climbing Mount Shasta
Complained as the mountain grew vaster,
     That it wasn't the climb
     Nor the dirt nor the grime
But the ice on her ass that harassed her.


There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
     'Til he grew such a passion
     For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.


A comely young widow named Ransom
Was ravished three times in a hansom.
     When she cried out for more
     A voice from the floor
Said, "Lady, I'm Simpson, not Samson."


A corpulent lady named Kroll
Had an idea exceedingly droll:
     She went to a ball
     Dressed in nothing at all
And backed in as a Parker House roll.


THE FARTER FROM SPARTA

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
     On the strength of one bean
     He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
     He could fart like a flute
     Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
     He could play on his anus
     The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart The Toccata,
     He'd boom from his ass
     Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious Lieutenant Major,
     He proceeded to fart
     The complete oboe part
Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile;
     Then, feeling quite jolly,
     He tried the finale
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
     'Til with ass thrown aloft
     He suddenly coughed -
And collapsed in a shower of shit!


A painter of pop art named Jacques
Painted each canvas to shock.
     Outsized genitalia
     Gave the viewers heart failure
But the critics just sneered, "Poppycock!"


There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
     Though he petted and wooed,
     When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins don't give a fuck.


There was a young fellow named Hyde
Who fell down a privy and died.
     His unfortunate brother
     Then fell down another
And now they're interred side by side.


There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
     For whenever they'd start
     He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.


There was a young lady of France
Who went to the palace to dance.
     She danced with a Turk
     'Til he got in his dirk,
And now she can't button her pants.


I sat next to the Duchess at tea;
It was just as I feared it would be:
     Her rumblings abdominal
     Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!


There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
     She said, "I don't mind,
     Up higher you'll find
The place where my pisser and farter is."


There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who was sadly deficient in sex.
     Arraigned for exposure
     He said with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."


There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage.
     Said the county surveyor,
     "Of course you must pay her:
You've altered the line of her frontage."


A young violinist in Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
     As she took down her panties
     She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"


There was a young girl from Lancaster
Who'd do anything anyone asked her.
     But when she got spliced
     She got so high-priced
Only Jesus H. Christ and John Jacob Astor.


A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blonde on his yacht.
     Too lazy to rape her,
     He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.


A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
     To entice his regard
     She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.


There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were forced to walk belly to belly,
     Because in their haste
     They used library paste
Which they thought was vaginal jelly.


There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
     The bannister broke,
     But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.


A young curate, just new to the cloth,
At sex was surely no sloth.
     He preached masturbation
     To his whole congregation,
And was washed down the aisle on the froth.


A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew.
     When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
     She said, "Count me in!
- And as soon as the service is through!"


A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
     They were graded and spaced
     So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.


There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
     The dress caught on fire
     And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.


There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
     He said with a grin
     As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!"


There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
     She said to her beau:
     "Just look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."


There was a young lady named Duff
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
     In his haste to get in her
     One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.


An old archaeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
     He knew from its bend
     And the knob on the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.


There was a young lady from Reno
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
     But she lay on her back
     And she opened her crack
And now the owns the casino.