Subject: Limericks: You want 'em, you got 'em Date: 14 Sep 88 09:48:57 GMT Here are all the limericks I could scrape up on short notice. Enjoy. THERE WAS A YOUNG SAILOR FROM BRIGHTON WHO REMARKED TO HIS GIRL, 'YOU'RE A TIGHT ONE.' SHE REPLIED, 'UPON MY SOUL, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG HOLE; THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM IN THE RIGHT ONE.' A LADY WHILE DINING AT CREWE FOUND AN ELEPHAT'S WHANG IN HER STEW. SAID THE WAITER, 'DON'T SHOUT, AND DON'T WAVE IT ABOUT, OR THE OTHERS WILL ALL WANT ONE, TOO.' THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY OF DOVER WHOSE PASSION WAS SUCH THAT IT DROVE HER TO CRY, WHEN YOU CAME, 'OH DEAR, WHAT A SHAME! WELL, NOW WE SHALL HAVE TO START OVER.' THERE WAS A YOUNG PLUMBER OF LEIGH WHO WAS PLUMBING A GIRL BY THE SEA SHE SAID,'STOP YOUR PLUMBING, THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING!' SAID THE PLUMBER, STILL PLUMBING,'IT'S ME.' THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM PURDUE WHO WAS ONLY JUST LEARNING TO SCREW BUT HE HADN'T THE KNACK AND HE'D GOT TOO FAR BACK: IN THE RIGHT CHURCH BUT IN THE WRONG PEW. THE KING NAMED OEDIPUS REX WHO STARTED THIS FUSS ABOUT SEX PUT THE WORLD TO GREAT PAINS BY THE SPOTS AND THE STAINS WHICH HE MADE ON HIS MOTHER'S PUBEX. SAID A LECHEROUS FELLO NAMED SHEA, WHEN HIS PRICK WOULDN'T RISE FOR A LAY, 'YOU MUST SEIZE IT, AND SQUEEZE IT, AND TEASE IT, AND PLEASE IT, FOR ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY.' THERE ONCE WAS A DENTIST NAMED STONE WHO SAW ALL HIS PATIENTS ALONE. IN A FIT OF DEPRAVITY HE FILLED THE WRONG CAVITY AND MY, HOW HIS PRACTICE HAS GROWN! THE SPOUSE OF A PRETTY YOUNG THING CAME HOME FROM THE WARS IN THE SPRING. HE WAS LAME BUT HE CAME WITH HIS DAME LIKE A FLAME- A DISCHARGE IS A WONDERFUL THING. THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY FROM TWICKENHAM WHO THOUGHT MEN HAD NOT ENOUGH PRICK IN 'EM. ON HER KNEES EVERY DAY TO GOD SHE WOULD PRAY TO LENGTHEN AND STRENGTHEN AND THICKEN 'EM. IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN LAY ADAM, COMPLACENTLY STROKING HIS MADAM, AND LOUD WAS HIS MIRTH FOR ON ALL OF THE EARTH THERE WERE ONLY TWO BALLS-AND HE HAD 'EM. A FELLOW WHOSE SURNAME WAS HUNT TRAINED HIS COCK TO PERFORM A SLICK STUNT: THIS VERSATILE SPOUT COULD BE TURNED INSIDE OUT LIKE A GLOVE AND BE USED AS A CUNT. THERE WAS A YOUNG SOLDIER FROM MUNICH WHOSE PENIS HUNG DOWN PAST HIS TUNIC' AND THEIR CHOPS GIRLS WOULD LICK WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF HIS PRICK, BUT ALAS, HE WAS ONLY A EUNICH. THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY OF NATCHEZ WHO CHANCED TO BE BORN WITH TWO SNATCHES, AND SHE OFTEN SAID,'SHIT! WHY, I'D GIVE EITHER TIT FOR A MAN WITH EQUIPMENT THAT MATCHES. THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY FROM SPAIN WHOSE FACE WAS EXCEEDINGLY PLAIN BUT HER CUNT HAD A PUCKER THAT MADE THE MEN FUCK HER AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. A YOUNG MAN AROUSED HIS GIRL'S ANGER WHEN HE TRIED TO INJECT HIS HUGE WHANGER. AS THEY STROVE IN THE DARK SHE WAS HEARD TO REMARK, 'WHAT YOU NEED IS A ZEPPELIN HANGER.' THERE WAS A YOUNG IDLER NAMED BLOOD, MADE A FORTUNE PERFORMING AT STUD, WITH A FIFTEEN-INCH PETER, A DOUBLE-BEAT METRE, AND A LOAD LIKE THE BIBLICAL FLOOD. THERE WAS A YOUNG WOMAN IN DEE WHO STAYED WITH EACH MAN SHE DID SEE. WHEN IT CAME TO A TEST SHE WISHED TO BE BEST, AND PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT, YOU SEE. THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLO OF KENT WHOSE PRICK WAS SO LONG THAT IT BENT, SO TO SAVE HIMSELF TROUBLE HE PUT IT IN DOUBLE, AND INSTEAD OF COMING, HE WENT. THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN OF KILDAIRE WHO WAS FUCKING A GIRL ON THE STAIR. THE BANNISTER BROKE, BUT HE DOUBLED HIS STROKE AND FINISHED HER OFF IN MID-AIR. THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM NEW YORK WHO PLUGGED UP HER CUNT WITH A CORK. A WOODPECKER OR TWO MADE THE GRADE, IT IS TRUE, BUT IT TOTALLY BAFFLED THE STORK. TILL ALONG CAME A MAN WHO PRESENTED A TOOL THAT WAS STRANGELY INDENTED. WITH A DIZZYING TWIRL HE PUNCTURED THAT GIRL, AND THUS WAS THE CORKSCREW INVENTED. THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY OF NORWAY WHO HUNG BY HER HEELS IN A DOORWAY. SHE SAID TO HER BEAU, 'LOOK AT ME, JOE, I THINK I'VE DISCOVERED ONE MORE WAY.' THERE ONCE WAS A LADY FROM ARDEN WHO SUCKED OFF A MAN IN A GARDEN. HE SAID,'MY DEAR FLO, WHERE DOES ALL THAT STUFF GO?' AND SHE SAID,'(SWALLOW HARD)-I BEG PARDON?' THERE WAS AN OLD MAN OF DECATUR, TOOK OUT HIS RED-HOT PERTATER. HE TRIED AT HER DENT BUT WHEN HIS THING BENT, HE GOT DOWN ON HIS KNEES AND HE ATE 'ER. THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET WHOSE PRICK WAS SO LONG HE COULD SUCK IT. HE SAID, WITH A GRIN, AS HE WIPED OFF HIS CHIN, 'IF MY EAR WERE A CUNT I COULD FUCK IT.' THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL, VERY SWEET, WHO THOUGHT SAILORS' MEAT QUITE A TREAT. WHEN SHE SAT ON THEIR LAP, SHE UNBUTTONED THEIR FLAP, AND ALWAYS HAD PLENTY TO EAT. THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW NAMED DAVE WHO KEPT A DEAD WHORE IN A CAVE. HE SAID,'I ADMIT I'M A BIT OF A SHIT, BUT THINK OF THE MONEY I SAVE!' AN EARNEST YOUNG WOMAN IN THRACE SAID,'DARLING, THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT PLACE!' SO HE GAVE HER A THWACK, AND DID ON HER BACK WHAT HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE FACE TO FACE. THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY WHO SAID, AS HER BRIDEGROOM GOT INTO THE BED, 'I'M TIRED OF THIS STUNT THAT THEY DO WITH ONE'S CUNT, YOU CAN GET UP MY BOTTOM INSTEAD.' THERE WAS AN OLD ABBESS QUITE SHOCKED TO FIND NUNS WHERE THE CANDLES WERE LOCKED. SAID THE ABBESS,'YOU NUNS SHOULD BEHAVE MORE LIKE GUNS, AND NEVER GO OFF TILL YOU'RE COCKED.' THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM DECATUR WHO WAS FUCKED BY AN OLD ALLIGATOR. NO ONE EVER KNEW HOW SHE RELISHED THAT SCREW, FOR AFTER HE FUCKED HER, HE ATE HER. THERE WAS A YOUNG MISS FROM CAPE COD WHO AT SOLDIERS WOULD NOT EVEN NOD. BUT SHE TRIPPED IN A DITCH AND SOME SON-OF-A-BITCH OF A CORPORAL RAPED HER, BY GOD! THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW NAMED GLUCK WHO FOUND HIMSELF SHIT OUT OF LUCK. THOUGH HE PETTED AND WOOED, WHEN HE TRIED TO GET SCREWED, HE FOUND VIRGINS JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK. THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM CHESHIRE WHO SUCCUMBED TO HER LOVER'S DESIRE. SHE SAID,'IT'S A SIN, BUT NOW THAT IT'S IN, COULD YOU SHOVE IT A FEW INCHES HIGHER?' THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED FLO WHOSE LOVER HAD PULLED OUT TOO SLOW. SO THEY TRIED IT ALL NIGHT TILL HE GOT IT JUST RIGHT... WELL, PRACTICE MAKES PREGNANT, YOU KNOW. THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY IN RENO WHO LOST ALL HER DOUGH PLAYING KEENO. BUT SHE LAY ON HER BACK AND OPENED HER CRACK AND NOW SHE OWNS THE CASINO. Jack and Jill went up the hill Each with a buck and a quarter Jack wanted layed Jill said OK Now she has two fifty There once was a woman from Wheeling Who pasted her tits to the ceiling But the glue wouldn't hold So she fell very bold And now I hear they are healing! There once was a man from Kass Whose balls were made out of brass In time of foul weather He'd rub them together And lightning would shoot out his ass There once was a couple named Kelly Who now have to walk belly-to-belly Because in their haste They used library paste Instead of vaginal jelly! There once was a man from Peru Who fell asleep in a canoe He dreamt he was on Venus Rubbing his penis And he woke with a hand full of goo! There once was a man from Boston Who drove a little red Austin There was room for his ass And a gallon of gas But his balls hung out and he lost 'em! There was a young man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex It would fit either sex, With attachments for those in between. ------- This article brought to you directly from the mind of The Fiend. Disclaimer: The university has nothing to do. Second disclaimer: If you don't like it, don't read it. (C) Fiend Productions, Ltd.