Subject: Limericks: You want 'em, you got 'em
Date: 14 Sep 88 09:48:57 GMT


Here are all the limericks I could scrape up on short notice. Enjoy.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG SAILOR FROM BRIGHTON
  WHO REMARKED TO HIS GIRL, 'YOU'RE A TIGHT ONE.'
     SHE REPLIED, 'UPON MY SOUL,
     YOU'RE IN THE WRONG HOLE;
  THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM IN THE RIGHT ONE.'

  A LADY WHILE DINING AT CREWE
  FOUND AN ELEPHAT'S WHANG IN HER STEW.
     SAID THE WAITER, 'DON'T SHOUT,
     AND DON'T WAVE IT ABOUT,
  OR THE OTHERS WILL ALL WANT ONE, TOO.'

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY OF DOVER
  WHOSE PASSION WAS SUCH THAT IT DROVE HER
     TO CRY, WHEN YOU CAME,
     'OH DEAR, WHAT A SHAME!
  WELL, NOW WE SHALL HAVE TO START OVER.'

  THERE WAS A YOUNG PLUMBER OF LEIGH
  WHO WAS PLUMBING A GIRL BY THE SEA
     SHE SAID,'STOP YOUR PLUMBING,
     THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING!'
  SAID THE PLUMBER, STILL PLUMBING,'IT'S ME.'

  THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM PURDUE
  WHO WAS ONLY JUST LEARNING TO SCREW
     BUT HE HADN'T THE KNACK
     AND HE'D GOT TOO FAR BACK:
  IN THE RIGHT CHURCH BUT IN THE WRONG PEW.

  THE KING NAMED OEDIPUS REX
  WHO STARTED THIS FUSS ABOUT SEX
     PUT THE WORLD TO GREAT PAINS
     BY THE SPOTS AND THE STAINS
  WHICH HE MADE ON HIS MOTHER'S PUBEX.

  SAID A LECHEROUS FELLO NAMED SHEA,
  WHEN HIS PRICK WOULDN'T RISE FOR A LAY,
     'YOU MUST SEIZE IT, AND SQUEEZE IT,
     AND TEASE IT, AND PLEASE IT,
  FOR ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY.'

  THERE ONCE WAS A DENTIST NAMED STONE
  WHO SAW ALL HIS PATIENTS ALONE.
     IN A FIT OF DEPRAVITY
     HE FILLED THE WRONG CAVITY
  AND MY, HOW HIS PRACTICE HAS GROWN!

  THE SPOUSE OF A PRETTY YOUNG THING
  CAME HOME FROM THE WARS IN THE SPRING.
     HE WAS LAME BUT HE CAME
     WITH HIS DAME LIKE A FLAME-
  A DISCHARGE IS A WONDERFUL THING.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY FROM TWICKENHAM
  WHO THOUGHT MEN HAD NOT ENOUGH PRICK IN 'EM.
     ON HER KNEES EVERY DAY
     TO GOD SHE WOULD PRAY
  TO LENGTHEN AND STRENGTHEN AND THICKEN 'EM.

  IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN LAY ADAM,
  COMPLACENTLY STROKING HIS MADAM,
     AND LOUD WAS HIS MIRTH
     FOR ON ALL OF THE EARTH
  THERE WERE ONLY TWO BALLS-AND HE HAD 'EM.

  A FELLOW WHOSE SURNAME WAS HUNT
  TRAINED HIS COCK TO PERFORM A SLICK STUNT:
     THIS VERSATILE SPOUT
     COULD BE TURNED INSIDE OUT
  LIKE A GLOVE AND BE USED AS A CUNT.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG SOLDIER FROM MUNICH
  WHOSE PENIS HUNG DOWN PAST HIS TUNIC'
     AND THEIR CHOPS GIRLS WOULD LICK
     WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF HIS PRICK,
  BUT ALAS, HE WAS ONLY A EUNICH.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY OF NATCHEZ
  WHO CHANCED TO BE BORN WITH TWO SNATCHES,
     AND SHE OFTEN SAID,'SHIT!
     WHY, I'D GIVE EITHER TIT
  FOR A MAN WITH EQUIPMENT THAT MATCHES.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY FROM SPAIN
  WHOSE FACE WAS EXCEEDINGLY PLAIN
     BUT HER CUNT HAD A PUCKER
     THAT MADE THE MEN FUCK HER
  AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.

  A YOUNG MAN AROUSED HIS GIRL'S ANGER
  WHEN HE TRIED TO INJECT HIS HUGE WHANGER.
     AS THEY STROVE IN THE DARK
     SHE WAS HEARD TO REMARK,
  'WHAT YOU NEED IS A ZEPPELIN HANGER.'

  THERE WAS A YOUNG IDLER NAMED BLOOD,
  MADE A FORTUNE PERFORMING AT STUD,
     WITH A FIFTEEN-INCH PETER,
     A DOUBLE-BEAT METRE,
  AND A LOAD LIKE THE BIBLICAL FLOOD.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG WOMAN IN DEE
  WHO STAYED WITH EACH MAN SHE DID SEE.
     WHEN IT CAME TO A TEST
     SHE WISHED TO BE BEST,
  AND PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT, YOU SEE.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLO OF KENT
  WHOSE PRICK WAS SO LONG THAT IT BENT,
     SO TO SAVE HIMSELF TROUBLE
     HE PUT IT IN DOUBLE,
  AND INSTEAD OF COMING, HE WENT.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN OF KILDAIRE
  WHO WAS FUCKING A GIRL ON THE STAIR.
     THE BANNISTER BROKE,
     BUT HE DOUBLED HIS STROKE
  AND FINISHED HER OFF IN MID-AIR.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM NEW YORK
  WHO PLUGGED UP HER CUNT WITH A CORK.
     A WOODPECKER OR TWO
     MADE THE GRADE, IT IS TRUE,
  BUT IT TOTALLY BAFFLED THE STORK.
  TILL ALONG CAME A MAN WHO PRESENTED
  A TOOL THAT WAS STRANGELY INDENTED.
     WITH A DIZZYING TWIRL
     HE PUNCTURED THAT GIRL,
  AND THUS WAS THE CORKSCREW INVENTED.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY OF NORWAY
  WHO HUNG BY HER HEELS IN A DOORWAY.
     SHE SAID TO HER BEAU,
     'LOOK AT ME, JOE,
  I THINK I'VE DISCOVERED ONE MORE WAY.'

  THERE ONCE WAS A LADY FROM ARDEN
  WHO SUCKED OFF A MAN IN A GARDEN.
     HE SAID,'MY DEAR FLO,
     WHERE DOES ALL THAT STUFF GO?'
  AND SHE SAID,'(SWALLOW HARD)-I BEG PARDON?'

  THERE WAS AN OLD MAN OF DECATUR,
  TOOK OUT HIS RED-HOT PERTATER.
     HE TRIED AT HER DENT
     BUT WHEN HIS THING BENT,
  HE GOT DOWN ON HIS KNEES AND HE ATE 'ER.

  THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
  WHOSE PRICK WAS SO LONG HE COULD SUCK IT.
     HE SAID, WITH A GRIN,
     AS HE WIPED OFF HIS CHIN,
  'IF MY EAR WERE A CUNT I COULD FUCK IT.'

  THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL, VERY SWEET,
  WHO THOUGHT SAILORS' MEAT QUITE A TREAT.
     WHEN SHE SAT ON THEIR LAP,
     SHE UNBUTTONED THEIR FLAP,
  AND ALWAYS HAD PLENTY TO EAT.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW NAMED DAVE
  WHO KEPT A DEAD WHORE IN A CAVE.
     HE SAID,'I ADMIT
     I'M A BIT OF A SHIT,
  BUT THINK OF THE MONEY I SAVE!'

  AN EARNEST YOUNG WOMAN IN THRACE
  SAID,'DARLING, THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT PLACE!'
     SO HE GAVE HER A THWACK,
     AND DID ON HER BACK
  WHAT HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE FACE TO FACE.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY WHO SAID,
  AS HER BRIDEGROOM GOT INTO THE BED,
     'I'M TIRED OF THIS STUNT
     THAT THEY DO WITH ONE'S CUNT,
  YOU CAN GET UP MY BOTTOM INSTEAD.'

  THERE WAS AN OLD ABBESS QUITE SHOCKED
  TO FIND NUNS WHERE THE CANDLES WERE LOCKED.
     SAID THE ABBESS,'YOU NUNS
     SHOULD BEHAVE MORE LIKE GUNS,
  AND NEVER GO OFF TILL YOU'RE COCKED.'

  THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM DECATUR
  WHO WAS FUCKED BY AN OLD ALLIGATOR.
     NO ONE EVER KNEW
     HOW SHE RELISHED THAT SCREW,
  FOR AFTER HE FUCKED HER, HE ATE HER.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG MISS FROM CAPE COD
  WHO AT SOLDIERS WOULD NOT EVEN NOD.
     BUT SHE TRIPPED IN A DITCH
     AND SOME SON-OF-A-BITCH
  OF A CORPORAL RAPED HER, BY GOD!

  THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW NAMED GLUCK
  WHO FOUND HIMSELF SHIT OUT OF LUCK.
     THOUGH HE PETTED AND WOOED,
     WHEN HE TRIED TO GET SCREWED,
  HE FOUND VIRGINS JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM CHESHIRE
  WHO SUCCUMBED TO HER LOVER'S DESIRE.
     SHE SAID,'IT'S A SIN,
     BUT NOW THAT IT'S IN,
  COULD YOU SHOVE IT A FEW INCHES HIGHER?'

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED FLO
  WHOSE LOVER HAD PULLED OUT TOO SLOW.
     SO THEY TRIED IT ALL NIGHT
     TILL HE GOT IT JUST RIGHT...
  WELL, PRACTICE MAKES PREGNANT, YOU KNOW.

  THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY IN RENO
  WHO LOST ALL HER DOUGH PLAYING KEENO.
     BUT SHE LAY ON HER BACK
     AND OPENED HER CRACK
  AND NOW SHE OWNS THE CASINO.

  Jack and Jill went up the hill
  Each with a buck and a quarter
     Jack wanted layed
     Jill said OK
  Now she has two fifty

  There once was a woman from Wheeling
  Who pasted her tits to the ceiling
     But the glue wouldn't hold
     So she fell very bold
  And now I hear they are healing!

  There once was a man from Kass
  Whose balls were made out of brass
     In time of foul weather
     He'd rub them together
  And lightning would shoot out his ass

  There once was a couple named Kelly
  Who now have to walk belly-to-belly
     Because in their haste
     They used library paste
  Instead of vaginal jelly!

  There once was a man from Peru
  Who fell asleep in a canoe
     He dreamt he was on Venus
     Rubbing his penis
  And he woke with a hand full of goo!

  There once was a man from Boston
  Who drove a little red Austin
     There was room for his ass
     And a gallon of gas
  But his balls hung out and he lost 'em!

  There was a young man from Racine
  Who invented a fucking machine.
     Concave or convex
     It would fit either sex,
  With attachments for those in between.

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