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 Entry 193

   Diary I think my biological clock is getting impatient.  As I write
this, it is four in the morning.  I am babysitting at my friend's, and her
six-month-old boy is absolutely adorable.  I have never felt such powerful
emotions of connection, of worth, or of a justifiable arousal, free of
guilt or stigma.  It's perfectly acceptable and very arousing!

   I am sitting on her office rocking chair, with its blue hard corduroy
making lines in my naked butt.  I have grabbed one of her robes, so the
baby will not be alarmed as he snuggles.  I heard, from somewhere deep in
slumber, him crying.  At this moment remembering what I did feels like
reaching back a few weeks!

   The diaper roll at the bed's foot shows I changed him, and I recall that
he didn't want to go back in the crib.  He flailed his little arms, cried
and turned purple, he can be so insistent.  When he gets adult lungs he
will be really hard to handle.  Anyways, I got him, and cuddled him close
to me, as I walked around in a semi-sleeping daze, looking for his bottle.
The house was dark, and I was using dancer's steps, so I wouldn't wake him.

   His hands are so cute!  They're too small to actually hold my breast,
but he petted it with both, and while I was carefully walking down the
hallway, I felt his hungry vacuum suck my nipple into his mouth.  There I
was, naked, standing in the middle of the dark hall, cradling this baby
that was nursing me!

   I stopped walking, and placing my free hand by my areola, started to
pull my nipple free.  His face was serene, there's no other word for it. 
His eyes were closed, his color and demeanor returned to the relaxed normal
state.  Slow suction noises, light popping sounds, came from his little
lips.  My whole body instantly got warm, no hot!  Like taking a big gulp of
hot tea or something, I was warmed from the inside, all the way to the tips
of my toes.

   Quite a while later, I don't know how long, I opened my eyes, and looked
around.  I was lying on the bed with all the pillows pulled around us, and
the comforter draped over as well.  I had found his bottle, and it was
lying on its side by my ear.  I was on my side, lying on my arm, and his
head was on my arm too, pressed against my breast.  His cheek was soft,
warm and smooth against me, his lips within easy reach of his newly claimed
"binky".  His little legs were curled in a fetus position; his naked,
diapered body snuggled completely against my naked tummy, chest and arm. 
He made rhythmic little huffs and try as I might; it was impossible to not
feel this thick, sleepy coating cover my brain.  Almost asleep, his foot
would slide against my sternum and my eye would open, with just enough
brainpower to look at him.  His eyes would roll under his closed lids, and
his hands would caress his security, his food and warmth, my breast. 
Noticing he was still out, I'd return to that gentle, warm, happy realm
that mothers alone are privileged to enter

   His breath was quick and light, like little "hss, hss, hss," puffs of
breath on my left boob.  Every now and then his lips would wake me to a
half-trance by wrapping around his nipple and suckling once or twice on me,
then he and I would drift away again.

   I am familiar with the mad, hot rush of pleasure, heating my skin, my
brain, and my nether reaches.  I have come to think of it like a slide, and
once you begin you will quickly and inevitably reach the climactic end. 
BUT, the entire night, as I snuggled, and fed, and nursed him, and lay with
him on me, in his mind protecting, feeding and caring for him, I
experienced two simultaneous and powerful feelings.

   I was sleepy- tired, relaxed like I never have felt before, a feeling of
more than physical.  I felt as if I had achieved the highest possible worth
of a woman.  I also dwelled at nearly the last moment of physical
excitement before an orgasm, rushed, freaked, puffy and wet, hot and dizzy,
and yet not "whooshing" down that slide.  I was somehow sustained at a
climactic moment, but with a quiet, relaxed and confident body.  It is hard
to explain.

   I know why I was there though- I had fulfilled what my body was designed
to do, I had almost become what I need to be, what I was created for, and
my body was reacting with the calm climax that I have heard of others
having, but have never experienced, until now.