Entry185

  Why do things I like scare me and things I hate arouse me?
I’m so messed up. I’m tired of the “roller coaster” answer!
   I talked to some friends about the other night, and they
were right about some things. I did have a great night, I
danced, I made money and met people, I somehow got out of my
house, which lately is like a miracle. I worry and
concentrate on the silly things when I should have been
thinking, I would never have gotten out, gone out, worn sexy
clothes, or had the inner steel to go out and meet people
dressed so crazy. SO I must have used the “inner noodle” cuz
if you cant do something thru strength, you can relax and do
it through allowing it, through being soft not hard. I felt
bad about the way I had treated those clothes and took them
in to be cleaned. I was afraid the red in that cute little
skirt would run, it’s so fragile in like a cheap way. The
lady said it would cost more to fix the zipper and backing
than it was worth, so she’s just re-stitching it in places
to give it a little better look and last maybe one or two
more wears. I don’t have anything else likeit so in case I
ever have to be without it I may need to get more but I’ll
have to keep them at Jen’s or Joan’s (Enrique’s mom
remember?).
  Enrique was all talking about his scholarship offer, and
I’m really happy for him. He’ll move out of this town- he’ll
be on his way! His mom and I had a drink and talked about
her play she’s in with mom, and Dave and Mia. Joan’s trying
to help my mom perk up, but that has me a little worried. I
think she wants to take mom to one of David and Mia’s
parties coming up. I turned down the offer if my mom is
going, but if she isn’t then I have to get a better reason
not to go!
   Jen has this flu- I’m watching the little man for her
tonight while she rests. I have to get a movie for us to
watch!