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 Entry 290

   I've noticed when you want something to work out a certain way, it may,
it may not.  When you don't care which way it works out, then it may, and
it may not.

   I had a half bottle of Malibu, was typing on my computer when I heard
Daddy coming in, like way way late.  Mom's in Cleveland at the convention
thing, so he's going out, and staying out.  He was kinda friendly with the
temp working in the church this week too, laughing and she was all eyes on
him, staring a hole in him.  Anyways whatever.

   So I went through the door to the kitchen and was putting the bottle
away, under the sink when he snapped on the light.  I figured I'd play
drunk and that was pretty easy as it turned out, if you drink that much
Malibu, in 3 hours, sitting at a desk.  I heard him ask what I was doing,
but I acted like I didn't hear him.  I slowly climbed out and yes, knocked
over the Pledge polish and something else, and giggled about it while
turning (which way) left, and started walking out the kitchen, hands and
knees, like he wasn't even there.

   Now, my champagne gown is very pretty, and I would have thought his
first reactions would have been kind of soft.

   He grabbed my hair, and pulled slowly upward.  I stopped, and kinda sat
up, but I didn't want to scream out cuz I was drunk, right?  He just held
my hair there till I ended up sitting on my feet on the kitchen floor, my
eyes closed.  He says, "Come on, you're going to bed." Yank goes my hair,
and I sort of fall into him as my right foot slides forward and my left
tries to stand.  It was comical, and really looked like I was plastered.

   He didn't push me away when I leaned on him, but he still had my hair!
I'm not sure what that hair thing was about.  I don't really remember going
up the stairway, but I remember hitting my door with my right hip walking
into my room.  He didn't say a thing, he just sat there beside me, while I
giggled and took my gown off over my head- yes another comical display.  I
leaned back and was giggling, and I think I was nervous, but trying not to
be, and that's why I started laughing, Have you ever tried to stop laughing
when that happens?  OMG it just got worse and worse, and it was at least an
hour like that.  OK minutes but it felt forever.

   I opened my eyes, and I was laying on my bed, on my back, nude.  I
smelled like coconut, oozing out my pores.  What a kewl way to wear
cologne, from the inside out.  It was morning.  I threw on a robe and
started the shower and looked into his room, and he was gone already. 
Couldn't wait to get to the church office now, since mom is gone and that
girl is in there.  But the last fading memories of the evening were of him
caressing my face, and I've come to a conclusion.

   I don't care how things work out.  The sun doesn't care either, it
shines, regardless.  Some people have other gifts, but mine is shining.  So
if he bathes in the warm light, kewl, if he stays inside and sees it
through a window, kewl.  I'm still shining, for those without light, and
even those with other lights, if I just love the shining, and not worry
about the rest, I'll be happy, which is of course what makes shining
afterall.