Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Author: this guy
Title: Using Condoms Could be Detrimental
Summary: A public service alert about the dangers of condom use
Keywords: Tweens, Tweenage Magazine, Condoms
Date: 1_5_2017

   Disclaimer: This is a sexual fantasy.  The author does not advocate or
participate in underage sexual activities.  If you are offended by
pornography, for God's sake stop reading internet porn, you idiot.  If you
are underage and interested in sex, welcome to the human race.  This is a
fantasy, without consequences.  Real sex has consequences like pregnancy
(duh!), disease, and emotional devastation.  Don't ever let anybody talk
you into doing something you aren't ready for.  When you are old enough to
be ready, relish every minute.  But right now, get outta here, kid!  You
trying to get me in trouble?

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;

   ---

   Tween Magazine Using Condoms Could be Detrimental to Your Wellbeing!  by
`this guy'

   As you already know, we at Tween Magazine believe that for a tweenager
to be happy and healthy, a tweenager must be well informed.  Our health
correspondent, C.  Remy Pi was recently informed that the use of condoms -
long touted for preventing pregnancy and stopping the spread of unpleasant
diseases - could kill you...

   It was recently discovered that the latex used in the making of all but
one brand of condoms for decades has contained
tricarbonic-dihydrogen-septoxiate-monosulfide*.  A particularly horrific
chemical compound.  Ingestion of it has been linked both to silent
flatulence and acne!  Exposure to it is also believed to increase the
chances of developing cubo-nimus-mentosis** (also known as a
"brain-cloud"), an absolutely horrific fatal disease.

   Since Silk-Sleeve brand condoms are not made from latex they are still
safe to use.  Made of natural silk they are a bit on the pricy side: a
three-pack retails for $69.96.

   Tween Magazine would also like to remind you that since Silk-Sleeve
condoms are not made from latex they are not required to meet the same
"leakage" and "tear" standards as typical condoms.  With an FTC permitted
leakage rate of 0.11% and a tear rate of 0.08% you might as well not bother
spending the money as these condoms will not prevent 100% of pregnancies
and disease transfer.

   If you are in the possession of condoms made by any other manufacturer
throw them out now.  Their use will greatly increase your chances of
becoming infected with one of these dreadful afflictions.  The medical
community strongly advises that no one use or buy latex condoms until the
latex is reformulated.

   Keep doing what you're doing, but keep your life and health in mind by
not using latex condoms until they are once again 100% safe...  We will
keep you informed of this and other issues which could be detrimental to
your well being.

   Another article from Tween Magazine, Summer Health Advice for Girls Nine
to Twelve

   * Author's note: "this guy" (the author) made up this particular
chemical formula, and is unaware of what (if anything) it may actually be.

   ** Author's note: "this guy" (the author) is unaware of the existence of
such a disease.



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