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How to be a Slut
Back in the early 1970's, when I was in junior high, they showed us a
film. It was about Australia, or perhaps New Guinea. In this film
aboriginals tied vines to their ankles. Then they jumped off a cliff. As
the natives plunged to certain death, at the last moment the vines tied to
their ankles yanked taut, and they were saved. One consequence of this
death-defying plunge, however, was that the natives often dislocated
their ankles. In addition, it was not uncommon for the natives to get the
length of the vine wrong, and go splatting to the floor of the cliff, either
injured for life or dead. Despite the fact that I was living in Guam at the
time, which is not too far from either Australia or New Guinea, there was
universal agreement among my classmates that this vine-jumping was the
most mind-bogglingly stupid thing we had ever seen.
Another thing we agreed was stupid was the bodily mutilation that
various African tribes committed upon themselves. We would watch a
movie where, from out of the bush, would come half-naked pierced and
tattooed negroes. Stupid, stupid, we would mutter to ourselves. Only
illiterate negroes in Africa would do something so dumb.
It came as rather a surprise to me then, some years later, when
bungee-jumping came to America. For the record, I have never bungee-
jumped, despite its enormous popularity and its relative safety in
America. I just can't get those dumb aboriginals out of my mind.
Another shocker for me was the trend, among otherwise highly
attractive white girls in America, to tattoo and pierce themselves. Today
I got Playboy's Natural Beauties magazine and was struck by the fact that
nearly every young woman in the issue has her navel pierced.
Girls, don't do this. It is stupid. Piercing your ears is one thing,
piercing any other part of your body is another thing altogether. I've never
seen a girl naked in real life but I have seen plenty of girls naked in
magazines, and I can tell you that, from a photographic viewpoint, nearly
any kind of bodily alteration does not show up well in print. Let's go
through each of these mutilations in turn to see what they really mean.
First, generally. A tattoo or a piercing means you are used
merchandise. Most guys still dream of getting a virgin for a girlfriend. If
you have a piercing or a tattoo, this tells guys that you have already
belonged to somebody else. I always imagine tattoos and piercings being
done by a girl to commit herself more deeply to her boyfriend. Like in the
Story of O, where O gets a brand on her bottom to show Sir Stephen how
much she loves him. If you've got some other guy's mark disfiguring you,
don't expect me to take you out. After all, there are new younger girls
coming up in the world all the time. Why should I bother with you and your
stupid tattoo when I can have your little sister instead?
Tattoos look really, really bad in print. I can't emphasize enough
how awful they look. A girl in a magazine who has a tattoo looks like a
whore. No matter how pretty she is, her tattoo ruins the shot.
Photographers try to get around this to some extent by posing the girl
with her hand or some part of her body covering her tattoo, which only
makes a worse mess, since the whole aim of photography is ultimately
rooted in creativity. It's not how naked the girl is that arouses the
viewer, it's how interestingly she's posed. If a pose has to be altered to
cover a tattoo, it cuts down on the options a photographer has in posing
the girl. This makes her less attractive, since it's the sexiness of the
posing that ultimately determines how popular a girl will be. The perfect
example is Mayfair's Claire Cass. She is nothing but a normal girl, with
tits that are too small and an ass that's a little too fat. Yet because she
has been so cleverly posed, she strikes me (and many other guys) as
endlessly interesting. Good posing can make you marvelously beguiling;
don't blow your chances of impressing guys by forcing the photographer's
hand with your stupid tattoo.
Tattooing involves two stages. Apparently girls never realize this.
The first stage involves choosing the design, and having it painted on your
body. At this point you can in fact get up and walk away. The design that
has been painted on you will last for several weeks, and by the time it
finally washes off you'll probably be sick of it anyway. It is the second
stage of tattooing that does the actual damage. That is where the tattoo
"artist" (read: loser drug addict) uses a needle to repeatedly prick your
skin, making the tattoo a permanent part of your life.
Ask yourself this question: if the tattoo you're getting is so great,
would you hang it up on your wall? And for how long? Most tattoos do not
exactly fall into the category of great art. They are at best kitschy
designs. Think of it on your wall, and you'll quickly realize how stupid the
thing is.
Something even stupider is a home made tattoo. I've seen otherwise
gorgeous girls with tattoos that have obviously been put on by their
boyfriend. This sort of tattoo makes you look like you live in the ghetto.
If you are actually smart enough to have your tattoo painted on,
without being permanently implanted with needles, remember that you
aren't wearing watercolors. If anyone pokes you with anything over the
next few weeks, you'll be permanently marked.
Another thing to keep in mind is that if you'd been born with a mark
on your body, you would have been highly embarrassed by it. I've known
kids who were born with red splotches on their skin. They were not the
most popular kids at school, let me tell you, and it was all because of
their unfortunate disfigurement. So why would you grow up beautiful and
then mar your skin?
Remember that tattoos can't be removed. Some (very painful)
efforts can be made by dermatologists to decrease the contrast between
your surrounding skin and the tattoo, but a tattoo is by its very nature
made to be permanent. That's why they use needles, and permanent ink. A
tattoo that looks new on your young body today will look old some years
from now, when, absent suicide, you'll still be alive. And everyone
significant in your life that you ever meet will of course wind up asking
you about the damn thing. Do you really want to tell every man in your life
(not to mention all your women friends), that the tattoo on your belly was
put there to remind yourself of your first boyfriend, who turned out to be
a bum and and a jerk and who cheated on you?
Moving on to piercing, I want to address each type of piercing in
turn:
Ears - A necessity. A girl has to have her earlobes pierced, and
there's no getting around it.
Other parts of the ears - Stupid. It tells me that you're some girl
who's adopting a punk look because you can't get a boyfriend.
Tongue - Apparently very painful. It makes your tongue swell up for
a month or more. Sometimes the stud can come apart in your mouth, in
which case you can enjoy the fashionable act of choking to death. With a
stud (and hole) in your tongue you speak with a lisp. I know girls like to
project an air of submissiveness, but can't you do it without jamming
something through your tongue? What if you want to be a news announcer
later in life? Unless you plan to be locked up as a sex slave in a brothel
for the rest of eternity, don't pierce your tongue. And by the way, even if
you think you're going to spend the rest of your life as a sex slave, think
again. Someday you'll be over 30, and you'll get kicked out of the sex slave
business in favor a girl who's 18. (Or younger.)
Nose - this strikes me as something that black chicks do. Either
that, or stupid punk chicks. Don't stick anything through your nose, unless
you want to make a statement that you were born in Rwanda.
The nipples - This is slut central. I know it's a rather popular motif
of the bondage culture to talk about pierced nipples. But no matter how
sexy it may look in some movie or book, it is stupid in real life. Whores
and male faggots have nipple rings, and unless you want to be seen forever
in that light, don't pierce your nipples.
The belly button - this seems to be vastly popular, but I have yet to
see what it adds to the beauty of a girl. All it tells me is that she must
certainly not be a virgin, since who would pierce their belly if they
haven't even lost their hymen yet? Remember, most guys, no matter what
they might say otherwise, secretly long to have a virgin girlfriend. That's
the girl who will get the royal treatment, if they find her. Your pierced
belly only tells the guy that you're worth less, since you're obviously not a
virgin.
The labial lips - Again, it sends the message that you're a slut. If
you're willing to pierce your cunt, what else have you been willing to do?
And just how many boyfriends have you had, young lady? Maybe I'm
interested in a quick (condom protected) lay with you, but that's about it.
The clitoris - This must be quite painful. Again, it tells every guy
you're a slut. Don't do it unless you're interested in getting fucked, and
not called in the morning.
The toes, eyebrows, and other parts of the body - Stupid. Somebody
who does this sort of thing has piercing on the brain. it cheapens you and
tells guys you're easy.
The bottom line is, if you can't wash it off in the morning, don't do
it. Obviously a broken hymen can't be washed off in the morning, but
unless you're planning to be a nun, this is something that's unavoidable.
The same goes for anal sex: some tearing may occasionally occur, but
unless you want to forgo the activity altogether it's unavoidable. However
there's nothing unavoidable about tattoos or piercings. They aren't
necessary, pure and simple. Even if a guy comes on to you by asking about
your tattoos, don't think he's seriously liking them. I myself have been
known to chat up a girl, asking about her tattoos, but it's just a ruse to
get a cute girl to talk to me. Secretly, I'm thinking, "God what a dumb
bitch she is to get tattooed like that." So don't fall for the "guys like me
because I'm tattooed" myth. Guys will use any excuse to talk to a cute
girl. It doesn't mean they actually like your tattoos, even if they say they
do.
Some girls get a tattoo or get pierced simply to piss off their
parents. They feel it makes them look more mature, sexually, if they're
pierced or tattooed. Plus, the tattoo or piercing is generally of a
permanent nature, unlike sexy clothes, which means an irate parent can't
force you out of it immediately. However there are many ways to piss off
your parents, and the drastic measure of getting pierced or tattooed is not
the answer. Why alter yourself for life just to annoy your jealous
mother? She's already pissed that you're young and beautiful, while she's
old and out of date. And as for dad, zealously guarding your (probably
already lost) virginity, what he's really concerned about is not your
sexiness, but how it turns him on. So you see, you've already got both
parents cornered. Your mom can't stand the fact that you've replaced her
in the sexual marketplace, and your dad can't stand the fact that he wants
to go to bed with you. Adding a tattoo or a piercing is actually overkill.
These are my thoughts, then, or tattooing or piercing. Don't do it. I
address this article only to girls since, as far as guys are concerned, they
can all cut their dicks off and tattoo their eyeballs as far as I care.
30
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