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Little girls, dressed for bed!
Okay, here's the deal. You can have all the money, power, and women
in the world. I'll take Frog and Wombat.
Yes, this is my somewhat erratically published column about girls on
T.V., and in the movies. Mostly I stick to reporting on girls that can be
seen on the various premium cable T.V. channels: HBO, Cinemax,
Showtime's channels, and Starz. Not included are girls on regular
commercial T.V. (I can't stand television that has ads). Also not included
are girls on Playboy (too boring to watch), or Spice (it's pay-per-view, and
I'm not spending seven dollars for two hours of T.V.).
The truly great thing about my column, which you will not find in any
other column, is its emphasis on little girls. Any news magazine will tell
you about various attractive women in films. And there are apparently
guides to female porn stars. There are even, I imagine, occasional
references to teenage girls in news articles. But nowhere, to my
knowledge, is there a column about little girls on T.V. and in the movies.
If you even did read about, say, Frog and Wombat, the review would
probably focus on the woman playing the girl's mother, not the girls
themselves. But not here! I couldn't care less who plays the girl's mother,
or, in some cases, who plays their older sister. So, with that as an
introduction, let's get started.
One of the great things about women directors is that they tend to
make films about little girls. That's the case with Frog and Wombat, who
are two elementary school girls. I first bumped into this movie as the
two girls were running around outside, in the dark. Wombat was dressed
in a pink nightgown with big floppy bedroom slippers. Looking at her long
lovely hair, and her dressed-for-bed clothing, I was instantly in love.
When I saw that she was beginning to grow breasts, I was even more in
love!
Frog and Wombat fear that their school principal is up to no good,
and they decide to investigate him. Unlike some dopey kid films, this one
proved to have a good storyline and keep my interest. (If nothing else, the
fact that Wombat's breasts kept getting bigger as the film progressed
kept my attention!) In the end Frog, played by Katie Stewart, who is
actually the cuter of the two girls, gets gagged, tied-up, and kidnapped. If
you like elementary school girls (and that's our favorite sort of girl in
this column, especially if she's cute and starting to grow breasts), you'll
love Frog and Wombat.
In the same vein is a film that I didn't quite get the name of. It's
currently on cable. It has the word "Luck" in the title, with the
implication that the "Luck" is bad luck. It's about a girl trying to catch a
leprechaun. Just like Frog and Wombat, I bumped into this girl as she was
dressed for bed, in her nightgown! This girl is younger than Frog and
Wombat, being in first or second grade. In the first shot I saw of her, she
looked incredibly beautiful. Unfortunately in subsequent shots she
somewhat reminded me of Ringo Star. Finally I flipped away from this
film. It was great watching a little elementary school girl in action but I
was sort of bothered by how she looked like Ringo. Plus, the film was a
standard dopey kiddie film. Only the girl can see the leprechaun, because
only she has enough imagination. (Clap if you believe in Tinkerbell, in
other words.)
Moving to an even littler girl, I was utterly smitten by a four-year-
old girl in Beyond the Mat. This is a behind-the-scenes wrestling film.
The girl is Mankind's daughter. At first when you see her you think, "Oh
well, it's just some stupid four-year-old girl," but then when the camera
gives you a closeup of her you realize how beautiful and sexy she is. I
know it sounds unusual to describe a four-year-old girl as sexy, but that
is truly what she is. She has a look in her eyes that's challengingly
seductive. Her favorite word is "nipple." One can never exactly predict
how a girl will be when she gets older, but Mankind's daughter strikes me
as someone who is going to be utterly wild and beautiful. Mankind has a
very attractive wife, so that's probably how he got such a cute daughter.
At the opposite end of the spectrum is wrestler Jake the Snake's
college age daughter. Good God, talk about a minus ten! This girl is
grossly overweight and spends the whole time on film sniping at her
father, because he was away working while she was growing up. (You'd
think she would appreciate not having a dad around to tell her what to do,
provided he sent home the money, which Jake did.) On the plus side, Jake's
daughter is obviously intelligent. She's what you might call "verbal", in
the positive sense. Hopefully she will eventually realize that no matter
how much her dad screwed up her life (in her opinion), there's absolutely
nothing he can do to un-screw it. Mainly she just needs to lose weight and
get a boyfriend, in my opinion.
Beyond the Mat was a very interesting film. I've never watched pro
wrestling, it always struck me as stupid, but the film is endlessly
fascinating. All the wrestlers were very enjoyable to watch. At the end
of the film they rush through several less famous wrestlers, and I found
myself saying, "Slow down! Slow down! I want to know more about these
people too, even if they aren't as famous." So Beyond the Mat could, in my
opinion, have been a much longer film.
Another interesting film I saw recently is Living Dead 3. I wrote
down the name of the female star, a woman playing a 16-year-old, but I
lost it. Her name is Mindy.... something. She has lovely huge eyes. This
girl looks more like a vampire than any female I've ever seen. She has
perfect tits, although the film only gives a very brief look at them. If you
want to see a girl with a perfect body run around eating people's brains,
don't miss Living Dead 3.
Then there is the Bare Wench Project. Again, I didn't get the names
of the girls in this film. It's a take-off of the Blair Witch Project,
starring adult women. Naturally, my favorite was the youngest, whose
name is Laurie.
Bare Wench is a tease film. You never see anything too great, mostly
just scenes of naked boobs. But I was surprised at how creative this film
is, despite its limited erotic horizons. In one scene a girl decides to roast
a wienie by holding it to her pubis, with her hands, and wiggling it around
like a penis, over their campfire. In another scene the girls decide they
must remain topless, if they are to survive the Bare Wench, and Laurie,
looking big-eyed and scared in their tent, says, "We've got to keep our tops
off!"
The bad part of Bare Wench is having to sit through the various
interviews with denizens of Bare Wench Village (or whatever the place is
called). Do you really feel like sitting there for five minutes while some
fat guy named Dick Bigdickian tells you about the Bare Wench? I didn't.
Plus, this film could have had a lot more naked boob shots than it did. Too
often you're just seeing the girls walk around clothed. And there's no
great bondage-type ending, despite Julie Strain being the Bare Wench. The
girls simply wind up back at their hotel, where they find their dumb ass
porter (some guy named Lunk) going nuts in their hotel room. This film
should have ditched all the men in it, kept the girls topless more, and
ended with something at least hinting at a whips and chains ending. It
could have given a lot more, while still being suitable for (non Playboy)
cable T.V.
If you want to see some lissome young girls skating, check out the
ending credits of the film Dick. I'm afraid that's all I saw of that film, so
that's all I can report about it.
As you can see, we have traversed the entire spectrum of youthful
females in this column, not allowing any arbitrary age limitation to limit
what has been said. From Mankind's blonde, sexy four year old daughter, to
the girl in pursuit of a leprechaun, to Frog and Wombat, to the vampire girl
of Living Dead 3, to the women of the Bare Wench Project.
As a final note, it would be interesting to see some bold soul
reshoot Bare Wench using topless girls who're 10, 11, and 12. It wouldn't
violate America's so-called "child pornography" laws, since the girls
wouldn't be having sex. What a delight it would be to see three "little
girls" running around topless, wearing only bikini panties, or even naked!
Unfortunately we have instead three aging females, none of whom were
smashingly attractive, and some of whose assets had been surgically
enhanced. I guess HBO wouldn't show my version of Bare Wench, but it
would be a whole Hell of a lot better than some bimbo film. And the Bare
Wench herself could make an appearance at the end (there's no need to
stick exclusively to a remake of the original), being about 14-years-old
and putting the sexy semi-nude searchers into Japanese Bondage-type
poses!
Ah well, one can dream, I suppose. At least the guys who funded
Bare Wench did spend their money on females, which is more than can be
said for most of America's venture capitalists. Which raises this
question: why did so many millionaires invest their money funding The
Globe.com, and eHow.com, and all that other crap that's now worthless? If
I had millions of dollars I'd do one thing with it: start my own version of
Barely Legal junior! As it is I'll have to content myself with this column,
and ogling little girls on T.V.
30
----------------------- Dreamgirls! -----------------------
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-- Naked little girls/politics: http://www.AlessandraSmile.com
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http://www.aclu.org
-- Naughty Naked Dreamgirls (Library of Congress ISSN: 1070-1427)
is copyright 2001 by Andrew Roller. Dreamgirls, Naughty Naked
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