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holy joe lays down THE LAW
Today I went to McDonalds. It was seven oÕclock in the morning.
Naturally, being at McDonalds, I wanted a hamburger. And what did the
girl behind the counter say?
ÒNo.Ó
But I could buy a burrito.
Why is it that I canÕt get a hamburger at McDonalds in the morning,
but I can get a burrito? For years now people like myself have been trying
to order a hamburger at McDonalds in the morning, with no success. But
several years back McDonalds added burritos to the menu. They couldnÕt
make any accommodation for red-blooded American patriots like myself,
who want a hamburger, but they changed their menu to accommodate
illegal Mexican immigrants!
As proof that it isnÕt just bums, perverts, and tramps like myself
who want hamburgers in the morning, let me add this fact. Right behind
me, as I grumbled to myself about having to eat an Egg McMuffin, a little
girl and her mother sat down. Guess what the little girl wanted to eat? A
hamburger. And she didnÕt ask just once. She asked her mother several
times for a hamburger, and her mother kept saying, ÒNo hamburger.
Breakfast only.Ó The girl didnÕt understand that her mother was saying,
ÒMcDonalds doesnÕt serve hamburgers.Ó She thought her mother was
purposely denying her the right to eat a hamburger at McDonalds. So she
kept asking, again and again, irritating her mother. And what was even
more interesting, the little girl was a Mexican! So even the Mexican
immigrants want a hamburger at seven oÕclock in the morning. Wake up,
McDonalds!
As I was leaving McDonalds I overheard a man talking. This man eats
at McDonalds every morning. He likes to talk. And today he was saying to
his seat mate, as I emptied my trash,
ÒI was talking to a woman who specializes in child abuse. And she
went to a convention. And she decided, ÔIÕm just going to make up a kid.
Online.Õ And so she put in various statistics about this kid [in her online
profile], adding that this child was 14. And pretty soon guys were
contacting her and saying ÔDo you want to go on a date, etc.Õ, even though it
specifically said that this child was 14.Ó
(ThatÕs a verbatim quote. IÕm not sure what the part about going to a
convention has to do with anything, but thatÕs the quote as I heard it while
emptying my trash.)
No, I did not answer the man. HeÕs always looking for someone to
pigeon hole for his daily lecture and so far IÕve managed to avoid getting
nailed by him. But now that IÕm safely at home and out of range of his
need for (endless) conversation, let me say this: ItÕs time to empty out
some of the balderdash in this society. First of all, liking a girl whoÕs 14
does not qualify as Òchild abuse.Ó Secondly, someone whoÕs 14 isnÕt Òa
kidÓ or Òa childÓ. A kid or a child is three years old, not 14. Thirdly,
these jealous women who make a career out of so-called Òchild abuseÓ are
an abomination. Listen lady (whoever you are), I donÕt care if you raise the
so-called Ôage of consentÕ to 47. You still arenÕt getting a date with me. I
have zero interest in women. Attractive, unattractive, it doesnÕt matter
to me. Women are tedious, boring, manipulative... the list of negatives is
endless. And no, I donÕt have some axe to grind against some ex-wife or
girlfriend, and I donÕt hate my mother. My mother is a fine person. End of
story. IÕve never had a girlfriend so that rules out the ex-wife, ex-
girlfriend theory. Women are just completely of no interest to me. I
would say that my interest in public urinals is far greater than my
interest in women, since I use urinals and have never had any occasion to
make use of a woman. That is not to say that there arenÕt some
interesting women authors, like Barbara Tuchman, but I am interested in
her as an author, like IÕm interested in Isaac Asimov. That doesnÕt mean I
want to get in bed with Isaac Asimov or Barbara Tuchman.
Now getting back to this womanÕs ÒOnline profile,Ó another point I
would like to make is that people can pretend to be anything on the
Internet. One famous case, reported in Newsweek, was of a 12-year-old
girl describing herself as a Òhot babeÓ, who turned out to be an 80-year-
old man in a nursing home.
With regard to women police who pose online as young girls, in order
to get men to meet them, I say they are wrong for arresting these men.
Probably the man thinks to himself, ÒI know this is some lady pretending
to be a girl, but I donÕt want to let on because she might be embarrassed.Ó
So he goes along with the gag, only to be arrested for being nice to the
lady and pretending to believe that she really is 12-years-old.
Right now IÕm corresponding with a guy who says his name is such-
and-such. (I wonÕt repeat the name, in order to protect his privacy.) I
have a strong suspicion that his name is made up, based on several
factors. In other words, what heÕs palming off as his real name isnÕt his
real name. But do I confront him with this fact? No. I figure itÕs his
business to use whatever name he wants. I donÕt want him to feel
embarrassed about having me point out that his name is fake. In fact, I
can think of another person whoÕs doing the same thing to me, writing me
under an assumed name. But, again, I donÕt say anything, because I value
the relationship and figure itÕs his business, not mine, what name he
wants to use.
But getting back to meeting girls online who are 12. (Or 14, for that
matter.) What if she really is 12? Good, I say. Meet her! Let me tell you
something: in the olden days, the days of traditional values, a girl was the
property of her father until she got married. Then she was the property of
her husband. In order to protect her chances of getting married, a girlÕs
father made sure she stayed a virgin until she met a husband. And in
America until 1898 the age of consent was age 10. So the girl didnÕt have
to wait long to meet a husband, and the guy didnÕt have to wait either. But
he was assured of getting a good deal when he did meet her, because she
was still a virgin.
Nowadays girls are allowed to run around loose and have sex all over
the place, as long as the guy is the same age as they are. I was in the
hospital one day and two nurses were discussing a 15-year-old girl who
had just passed through the emergency room. She had been brought in by
her father. He had found her with a boyfriend he didnÕt approve of and he
wanted to know if she was still a virgin. The nurses were commenting to
each other how attractive the girl was, and how ridiculous the fatherÕs
request had been.
ÒOf course she isnÕt a virgin,Ó one nurse said to the other. ÒShe
probably hasnÕt been for at least a year.Ó
In other words, this girl probably hasnÕt been a virgin since age 14,
when she started high school.
I was reading an issue of People several years back. I learned that it
is common practise for girls starting high school to choose to ÒinitiateÓ
themselves into high school by having sex, as 9th graders, with a high
school boy. They find someone they like, who is perhaps a year or two
older, already experienced with high school, and have sex with him.
I read a zine by a girl and she stated how she was clueless in junior
high and her first year of high school about all the sex going on around her.
She caught up with her peers by having sex at the end of her freshman year
of high school.
The impression I got, when I myself was younger, was that any
attractive girl who was 13 or older was not a virgin. Maybe she might
have been a virgin at 12, but by 13, she wasnÕt.
So we have a slight problem here, donÕt we? The men of the olden
days were assured of getting virgins, but modern men are stuck, thanks to
our modern laws, with girls who have had sex innumerable times by age
18. And asking someone for a date who is under 18 is considered Òchild
abuse.Ó
Let me tell you something, ladies. I say it is time for us guys to
stop putting up with your stupid laws, and your dumb Òchild abuseÓ
philosophies. If you women are going to let your daughters run around
having sex for half a decade before they reach age 18, then it is our duty
to meet girls when they are 12. If you let your 12-year-olds run around
having sex, then itÕs our duty to meet your daughters when they are 11. If
you let your 11-year-olds run around having sex, then itÕs our duty to meet
your daughters when they are 10. And I will keep pushing the timetable
back. If you let your 1-year-old daughters run around having sex, then it
is our duty to meet them in the maternity ward!
Well, thatÕs my thoughts for today on these important matters. Guys
should be able to date 12-year-olds, since the cute 13-year-olds are
obviously not virgins. And McDonalds should quit clowning around and
start serving hamburgers in the morning.
(And, by the way, 11-year-olds are cute and IÕll take cheese with my
hamburger.)
30
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