---------------------------------------------------------

                                Sex pervert seeks help

---------------------------------------------------------

                              ---------------------
                                *Captives
                                *LetÕs Talk About Sex
                                *Run Lola Run
                                *Cleopatra 2525
                                *Sabrina
                                *The Limey
                                *Madeline
                                *The Pen and Ink Club
                              --------------------

         Dear holy joe,

         I have a problem.  IÕm only sexually attracted to little girls.  What 
should I do?

         Steve in Seattle


         Dear Steve,

         Yours is a hopeless case.  My recommendation is that you should 
force yourself to like women.  Recently I put on gloves and a gas mask and 
went up to a woman and forced myself to attempt to speak to her.  I asked 
her if she wanted to go on a date.  Unfortunately she said no, so IÕm still 
dateless.  I explained to her that I did not want to smell or touch her, that 
I would be polite and keep my hands to myself and pay for my half of the 
date, that I was trying to cure myself of a perverse sexual interest in 
little girls.  But she rejected me, despite my willingness to pay for 
myself.  I suppose she was actually bargaining with me, trying to get me 
to pick up the tab for herself as well as for me.  But I mean, heck, itÕs not 
like sheÕs a little girl or anything!  SheÕs a working woman!  She should be 
able to pay her own bills.
         But tomorrow I am going to try asking a woman again.  My advice is 
that you try doing the same.  You can get a gas mask at any army surplus 
store.  Tell the guy behind the counter youÕre going to see a woman and 
hopefully heÕll give you a discount.  DonÕt let him talk you out of it though.  
Then get some gloves, either medical supply store gloves or even just 
plain gardening gloves.  Then go find a woman!  Explain your purpose.  Be 
willing, as I am going to be, to pay for everything, even though itÕs 
obviously freeloading.  Tell her how she will be saving the government and 
herself money by letting you pay to cure yourself, instead of waiting for 
you to get arrested.  IÕm sure if you explain to her how much you like little 
girls, and how disinterested you are in women (heck letÕs be honest here, 
weÕre not wearing gloves and a gas mask for nothing!) she will show some 
consideration for your plight.  Hopefully she will let you take her out.  You 
wonÕt even have to worry about her getting the hots for you and trying to 
make out with you since, with your gloves and gas mask on, youÕll have 
full protection no matter what happens!  (Oh yeah, wear a condom too just 
in case you Ôget luckyÕ or, in our case, unlucky.)  I know some guys say ÒPut 
a bag over her headÓ but with a mask on yours, it shouldnÕt be too bad.  
Just shut your eyes and you will have the same effect as a bag would 
provide.
         Now of course the next question comes:  If this woman gets the hots 
for you, what about marriage?  I recommend it.  Getting married means 
you will probably have children and, who knows?  You might have 
daughters.  Cute daughters, in fact.  Then you will be with cute little girls 
all the time, at least until they grow up.  Society will be happy, you will 
be a productively married citizen.  You will be happy, since youÕll be 
around cute little girls all day!  So you see, it can all work out in the end.  
In fact, if you get married and have children who are little girls, they will 
probably have little girlfriends.  Then you will have not only your own 
little girls around, but other peopleÕs little girls around too!
         Society knows what is best for us, after all.  We perverts should not 
be so resistant.  We should let things happen the way society wants.  
Imagine yourself, right now, dateless, trying to become a girl scout leader 
or, better yet, a leader of brownies.  Impossible.  But as a married father, 
heck, theyÕll probably ask you to be a girl scout leader.  And a soccer 
coach, and God knows what else.  Tell them you worked briefly for the 
Bolshoi Ballet and they might even let you be with all those cute little 
girls one sees going to ballet class!  I think at some point in her life every 
elementary school girl dreams of being a ballerina.  You might be 
saturated with little girls, all of them clamoring for your attention, 
begging you to please teach them ballet, wearing their cute little 
ballerina outfits and walking around very delicately on their tip toes.
         Excuse me, IÕm starting to get hot flashes, thinking of little girls.  I 
must adjust my thoughts.  Recently I did actually see a woman I liked, 
believe it or not.  I feel like giving myself a gold star (or maybe a 
cheerleader magazine) for actually finding a woman in this world that I 
felt a sexual response toward.  Her name is Julia Ormond, and I saw her 
the other day in a BBC movie called ÒCaptivesÓ.  ItÕs a love story.  Julia 
plays a new young dentist whose husband has an affair, so she decides to 
get revenge by dumping him and going to work (as a dentist) in a prison.  
Naturally while there, among all the rapists, child molesters and other 
fine members of our society, suffering under feminist persecution for 
their desires, she meets a prisoner and falls in love with him.  I would be 
giving away the plot to say what heÕs ÒguiltyÓ of.  But this woman, who 
actually looks like a tall young girl, with her hair in a long loose ponytail 
and her awesomely cute face, has many sexual trysts with him, all while 
trying to avoid letting her supervisors find out that sheÕs fallen in love 
with a prisoner.
         Another movie I saw recently is called ÒLetÕs Talk About Sex.Ó  ItÕs 
about three women.  One of them gets a new boyfriend and over lunch, one 
of her girlfriends says, of her new boyfriend, ÒThis one actually has pubic 
hair.Ó  My heart went out to this 20-something woman when I heard her 
friend say that.  Imagine, a woman who not only understands under-age 
sexual desires, but actually has a little boyfriend of her own!
         ÒRun Lola RunÓ is another movie I saw recently.  It stars a girl whoÕs 
trying to save her boyfriend.  HeÕs planning to rob a store to get himself 
out of trouble with the mob.  ÒRun Lola RunÓ is a German film, but donÕt be 
put off by the subtitles.  ItÕs one of the best movies IÕve seen.  The story 
is told and then re-told, in various ways.  It does get slightly tedious at 
times but the music is great, and I liked seeing LolaÕs fat little ass as she 
runs down the street trying to save her boyfriend.  What is really great 
about this film are the various optional endings the film provides.  They 
have an accidental real-life quality to them.  I also liked the filmÕs 
ruthlessness.  Lola doesnÕt pull any punches as she attempts to save her 
boyfriend.  She is a crazy, admirably screwed-up young woman with spiked 
hair, dyed red, who will do what her youthful impulses tell her she must, 
no matter what the consequences.  She truly lives for today, and tomorrow 
will probably wind up with a bullet through it.
         Falling into the category of Òso bad itÕs goodÓ may be the show 
Cleopatra 2525.  Do you have memories of a 1960Õs T.V. super hero called 
Astro Boy?  This was a cartoon boy whose feet could turn into jet engines, 
propelling him through the air.  He wore two forearm-length wristbands 
which, if he touched them (with his other hand), shot laser beams.
         Imagine three CharlieÕs Angels type women in a live action T.V. show 
doing this.  Imagine the 1970Õs song, ÒIn the year 2525, will mankind 
survive?Ó turned into a feminist anthem: ÒIn the year 2525, three women 
fight to survive.Ó  Imagine it sung by a black woman.
         In a move which no doubt thrilled Marvel ComicsÕ legal department, 
these three women can also shoot Òspider stuffÓ out of their wristbands, 
and swing through the air like Spider Man.
         So we have the elements of Cleopatra 2525, which, borrowing its 
star from Egyptian history, then proceeds to steal from everything else:
         The God/Satan rivalry.
         ÒThe Voice,Ó ala Star WarsÕ Òthe Force,Ó except that here the Voice 
materializes as an older woman.  
         The ÒSatan as trickster and rebelÓ motif, with Satan in the guise of 
a figure dressed like BatmanÕs Joker.  
         The Japanimation concept of a naive, inexperienced young female 
(Cleo) paired with older, more experienced friends.  
         The Star Wars/Battlestar Galactica concept of Imperial Storm 
Troopers or Cylons running rampant (with the Devil/Joker figure leading 
them like Darth Vader).
         The Total Recall concept of a projected double, which means the 
Devil/Joker/Vader figure merely reverberates, but doesnÕt die, when a 
laser blast makes a direct hit on his body.
         The Level 9/THX 1138 concept of a future Earth in which the 
surviving humans have been driven underground.
         The Fly, featuring Cleo in bug-eye goggles and giant marauding 
Spider-like flies.
         Kung Fu, with the women performing acrobatic feats to escape laser 
blasts.  
         About the only thing this show doesnÕt rip off is Dune.  But IÕm sure 
theyÕll remember Dune eventually.  
         As you may have guessed, the young women are dressed in bikinis.
         The demographics for Cleopatra must be an advertiserÕs dream:
         1.  Geeky ÒadultÓ males who can be counted on to buy the latest Star 
Wars doll but not underarm deodorant.
         2.  Ten-year-old boys who canÕt get hold of dadÕs Penthouse.
         3.  Girls aged eight and under who believe theyÕre going to grow up to 
be Cinderella and marry a pirate.
         Plus this group:
         4.  Men whose wives forbid them to buy or watch Playboy but will 
grudgingly put up with their watching three bikini-clad women, provided 
there is a Òscience fictionÓ pretext that the men can point to for wanting 
to watch the show.
         In my opinion, the Astro Boy armbands, which looked fine on Astro 
Boy, are utterly ridiculous on the three women.  This is the silliest 
concept of the show, and severely reduces what audience it could have.  
Next is the concept (however realized) of flying jet-engine feet.  Perhaps 
the women are only able to fly in their underground habitat, but it still 
looks embarrassingly ridiculous.  The spider-web shooting is almost as 
bad, but we are running out of a show here if we eliminate that.
         The Joker villain is probably the best part of the show.  I enjoyed 
watching him lead his troops in room-to-room warfare, with them dying 
like flies while direct hits on his own body pass harmlessly through him, 
having a visually interesting shuddering effect on his (projected) body.
         Cleopatra 2525 would be more credible if the females in the show 
were not adult women but three girls, ages 9 to 12.  These characters are 
hopelessly idealistic.  You could get away with young girls behaving like 
this, but itÕs impossible to believe grown women would behave this way.  
But then who would want to watch three little girls in bikinis, 
particularly wet string bikinis like I would put them in?

         ÒI was nine-years-old, and you had your arms around me because you 
were teaching me to skate backwards.  And suddenly you kissed me.Ó
         -Sabrina

         I have found another golden-age starlet, similar to 1938Õs Bonita 
Granville in Beloved Brat.  ItÕs Audrey Hepburn, in the 1954 film Sabrina.  
This film deals with the same issues as Lolita, except the girl is slightly 
older.
         A teenage girl returns from finishing school in Paris.  She returns to 
the house where she grew up, meeting once more the middle-aged man who 
owns the house where she lived as a child.  Except now, since sheÕs a 
Òyoung ladyÓ, itÕs socially acceptable for her to have an affair with him.  
IÕll leave the plot at that; to say more would give away too much.  As you 
can imagine I was delighted with this film.  Not only is the concept of a 
man kissing a nine-year-old girl completely in line with my pedophile 
values, but Audrey Hepburn is so beautiful it hurts.  I have memories of 
people saying Brooke Shields looked like Audrey Hepburn.  But having no 
idea who Audrey was, the comparison was meaningless to me.  If you like 
(or liked, when she was 12) Brooke Shields, you will love Audrey Hepburn.  
Interestingly, IÕve learned that Sabrina was remade in 1995, starring 
Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond! 
         Well, thatÕs all the advice I can give about women, and about women 
in films.  Unfortunately I havenÕt seen any new cute little girls this week.  
But as you stated in your letter, youÕre trying to overcome your sexual lust 
for little girls, so itÕs probably best that I didnÕt see any.  By the way 
right now IÕm taping a film called ÒThe Limey,Ó which apparently features 
two cute girls, one older and one younger.  We shall have to wait for 
another time for my report on that film.
         So long, Steven!  And if youÕre looking for Madeline on the Disney 
Channel, it now comes on at 6 a.m. Eastern time.  I guess theyÕre hoping to 
show those cute little French girls when us perverts are asleep.  But a 
good thing about the new time is that ÒThe Pen and Ink ClubÓ comes on 
before Madeline.  ItÕs an hour of wonderful old Donald Duck-type cartoons, 
which canÕt be seen on the Disney Channel at any other time of day.  So if 
youÕre willing to get up early, or set your VCR, you can tape not only high-
quality traditional Disney cartoons, but Madeline too!

30

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