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Rated SP for Sick Perversion
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Dear holy joe,
Hi. IÕm writing to you from the year 2153. You will be pleased to
know (I guess) that we are compiling the first Norton Anthology of
Pedophile Literature. Your work is featured in this book. ItÕs too bad
other men of your era became husbands and fathers, and employed, instead
of sitting in a squalid dumpster writing erotic stories about little girls.
Today those men are forgotten. Even their Òprecious childrenÓ are
forgotten in the year 2153. But you are remembered. One question,
though: why did you waste your talent writing some stories about girls
who are 18? We canÕt include those stories in our Norton Anthology. ItÕs
a pity since some of those are pretty good stories. But instead of being
prominently featured in the Norton Anthology of Pedophile Literature, they
are merely hack sex stories, like so many stories about dumb men and
women having sex.
Robert Littleton, Emeritus Professor of Juvenilia
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holy joeÕs RATING SYSTEM
G - so boring even Pat Robertson wouldnÕt watch it.
PG - parents -- guide your children to this crap and maybe theyÕll watch
it, if theyÕre young and dumb enough.
R - Now weÕre getting good, but itÕs not really what youÕre looking for.
NC - 17 - artsy-fartsy crap that you thought would be good.
X - pretty good stuff, but why are all the women so old and wearing so
much gaudy makeup?
SP - sick perversion. Lolitas, little girls having sex, and other great
stuff. Just what youÕre looking for!
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Dear holy joe,
I have been reading your column since you started on the Internet in
1995. I think I might have even seen some of your paper pamphlets that
you published before then, although I have long since lost them. (Sperm
control used to be a major problem with me. I ruined many fine issues of
Playboy and Penthouse, now probably worth $100 dollars or more, by
shooting myself all over them.)
Anyway, this is my first time writing to you. Last week I got cable.
My parents live in a mobile home park so, naturally, when the cable guy
showed up he thought he was supposed to run the wire into their home.
But actually the cable was for me, not them. IÕm 35. My dadÕs in the
construction business. Last year my parents threw me out of the house
for looking at porn on the Net so now I live out back, behind their motor
home, in a porta-potty. You can imagine the cable guyÕs surprise when he
was told to run the cable line out back, to the toilet! (One benefit of
living out back, though, is that when I lose control of my sperm I donÕt do
any damage to momÕs carpet.)
I got the cable put in. For about an hour I was feeling really lucky
because the cable guy gave me all 200 channels of digital cable. I mean, I
was getting everything, even the Canales Digitales Spanish package. But
then after an hour he must have figured out he made a mistake, and called
the cable office, because suddenly I had only the channels I was signed up
to pay for.
But during that hour I bumped into the Disney Channel. Specifically,
I got to see part of the show ÒMadeline.Ó ItÕs a show about 12 little girls
who live in a girlsÕ boarding school in France. I still remember what sold
me on the show: The little girls all got on board a ship, and Madeline
wanted to get on too, but the captain of the ship told her, ÒNo, Madeline,
youÕre too little!Ó I guess that, and the pictures of the 12 little girls
walking around, brushing their teeth, etc., and all dressed so sweetly in
their little matching outfits sold me on that show! By the end of the day I
was calling the cable company, and subscribing myself to the Disney
channel. Sure, it will cost me over $13.00 extra dollars per month, but I
fell in love with all those cute little girls, especially little Madeline!
Madeline cums on every weekday on the Disney Channel at 1 p.m.
Eastern and Pacific time (12 noon Central time). I started taping an hour
early on Friday and I picked up some footage of some real little girls,
telling jokes. Two of the girls were blondes, apparently sisters, and the
younger blonde was really choice! I mean, you would have really gone for
her, joe. She was so sweet and giggly and YOUNG! And perfectly beautiful.
I would say she was about 8-years-old, the same age as Alice Pleasance
Liddel, the (real) Alice of Alice in Wonderland.
I hope you print my letter so all the guys who like little girls can
now subscribe to the Disney Channel and watch Madeline. ItÕs only a
cartoon but I for one really enjoyed it. Incidentally on the same day
(Friday) I bumped into a Madeline movie on Showtime. It was a real-life
movie. There was not one cute little girl in that whole movie, and
Madeline was some fat snot of a girl! A total waste! But the cartoon is
really great, since you can let your imagination dream that all those cute
little cartoon girls are totally perfect, like those two real-life girls
telling jokes. (Especially the younger one!)
Sorry about the rambling nature of this letter but IÕm not a
professional writer like you, just some 35-year-old guy living in one of
his dadÕs spare construction company porta-potties. The women of this
world may have overlooked me, but I donÕt care. IÕm in love with Madeline!
(And that cute little real-life blonde who I saw telling a joke!)
Ed Dungar, Boston, MA
P.S. As you can imagine, it gets pretty cold in this porta-potty in
wintertime. Fortunately I now have the cute little girls on the Disney
channel to keep me warm! (Except when I shoot all over myself. Then
things get sorta wet and slimy and cold.)
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Copyright 2001 by Andrew Roller.