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                                  Andrew Roller Presents
                              NAUGHTY NAKED DREAMGIRLS
                                                 in 
                                       BIKINI BRIGADE

                         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

                                         Chapter Nine

         ÒBambi and Katie, I hereby dub you Miss Bambi, and Miss Katie, 
Protectors of the Realm of Candyland,Ó Lolita said to myself and Katie.  
We both knelt before her.  We were wearing our bikinis again.  We were 
fresh from our bath.  Lolita and her retainers stood around us.  LolitaÕs 
wonderful dress cast a warm, sparkling glow over us.  In the room also 
were gingermen, and Freddie Fruitcake.  They all watched as Lolita placed 
a lollipop wand briefly across the shoulder of Katie and myself.  ÒAnd you 
must have a name too, a royal name, that applies just to you,Ó Lolita 
added.  We unbowed our heads.  We looked up at her.  ÒFor I am a Protector 
of the Realm of Candyland, as is Lord Fruitcake,Ó Lolita said.  She glanced 
at him.  She did not betray her misgivings as she spoke of Freddie.  He had 
been a loyal retainer to her father in years past.  She hoped he would 
continue to be.  ÒMany distinguished people have been given the title 
ÔProtector of the Realm of CandylandÕ,Ó Lolita told Katie and I.  ÒSo what 
special title will you two have, in addition to being Protectors of the 
Realm of Candyland?Ó
         ÒWell, weÕre wearing bikinis,Ó Katie offered.
         ÒTry to think of a military-sounding title, if you donÕt mind,Ó Lolita 
said.  ÒThe honor I bestow on you tonight is not idly given.  My father is in 
desperate need of help.  There will be cross words and perhaps even 
fighting needed to dislodge Licorice Lad from my fatherÕs throne.Ó  
         ÒWell,Ó I said.  ÒWe could be like... the bikini soldiers.  Or Bikini 
Platoon, or something.  Or maybe Bikini Brigade,Ó I said, hoping to come up 
with a very important-sounding military designation.
         ÒYeah.  Bikini Brigade!  That way theyÕll think thereÕs more of us,Ó 
Katie said.  ÒAnd not just two girls.Ó
         ÒVery well,Ó Lolita said.  She raised her lollipop wand.  Then she 
placed it softly over my shoulder once more, and then KatieÕs.  ÒI hereby 
dub you both Miss Bambi and Miss Katie, Protectors of the Realm of 
Candyland, the Bikini Brigade!Ó



         An enormously fat person came paddling out into the sea of cream.  
She had long, scraggly hair.  She wore an old dress that had been washed 
so many times you could almost see through it.  She looked like Einstein in 
drag, without any taste in clothes.  She was straddling, with her big, 
pudgy legs, a Necco chocolate-covered thin mint.  As the light of the 
aurora borealis lit up her hunched figure, you could see her fat buttocks 
under the thin material of her dress.  She had a pile of bon bons between 
her legs.
         ÒPauline Praline!Ó Bon Bon Bibi called out.  A wave of cream caught 
her and lifted her, then passed.  ÒPauline Praline!Ó  
         Pauline awoke from her nap.  She put her head up.  
         ÒOook!  ItÕs Bon Bon Bibi!Ó Pauline cried.
         ÒAha!  There you are, you little thief!Ó Bon Bon Bibi cried.  She lifted 
one of her fat arms and pointed at the small girl.  ÒYou stole one of my bon 
bons, didnÕt you?Ó
         ÒYikes!Ó Pauline said to herself.  
         ÒI know you did!Ó Bon Bon Bibi said.  ÒWell, if you like bon bons so 
much, hereÕs some more for you!Ó  She picked up one of the bon bons 
between her legs.  She threw it at Pauline, and hit her square on the nose.
         ÒWAAAAH!Ó Pauline began crying.  Big tears sprouted from her eyes.  
She put her hands to her face.  ÒStop!Ó she cried.
         ÒAnd hereÕs another one!Ó Bon Bon Bibi yelled.  She threw another bon 
bon at the small child, hitting her on the head.  ÒAnd yet another!Ó she 
yelled, and hit Pauline in her tummy.
         ÒOooooh!  HELP!Ó Pauline Praline shouted.  



         We sat in a room of the Fruitcake Fort, before an open hearth with a 
fire in it.  We were sipping eggnogs.  I was delighted at being made a 
member of the Bikini Brigade, along with Katie.  I felt special.  I knew 
Katie did too.  She yawned, though, sipping at her eggnog, for the hour had 
grown late as we sat discussing Candyland.  Lolita had skirted the issue of 
the Gingerman Autonomy Movement while trying to work something out 
with Freddie to help her father.  Freddie, for his part, was mostly non-
committal.  He was ensconsed in his fort and did not have the power to 
take on Licorice Lad directly.  Neither, apparently, did Lolita.  And Freddie 
was supported by the Gingerman Autonomists.  Some of them had been 
imprisoned by LolitaÕs father.  So, while the fire was warm, and the 
eggnoggs tasty, there seemed little chance of Freddie and Lolita being able 
to work together.
         I ate the fruitcake we were having with our eggnoggs.  It tasted of 
blueberries and glazed cherries and limes.  I wondered how heavily the 
sugar and snow were falling outside.
         ÒI must go,Ó Lolita said suddenly.  She seemed to recieve a message 
from afar.  She rose up from where she was sitting.  She cocked her head.  
Then she turned and walked away from the open hearth where we all sat.  
Lord Fruitcake gazed after her.  Katie and I looked at her curiously.  ÒMy 
intuition tells me that my sister and Bon Bon Bibi are fighting again,Ó 
Lolita said quickly.  ÒMy sister steals bon bons sometimes from BibiÕs 
forest, and that makes Bibi very angry.Ó  Lolita made for the door.  Her 
retainers stood up and followed her.  She turned a moment and looked back 
at Katie and I, as a gingerman opened the door for her.  Snow swirled in 
through the door from outside.  ÒIÕll leave you two lollipops to ride on,Ó 
Lolita called to Katie and I, standing in the doorway.  ÒBon Bon Bibi is 
building a catapult.  DonÕt fly over her forest.  YouÕre liable to get knocked 
out of the sky.  Go east.  Follow the sunrise.  Try to stay on the main pop 
rock road if you can, if there arenÕt too many bats and gingermen.  I donÕt 
know how long the lollipops will fly, so use them quickly if you donÕt wish 
to walk.  Goodbye, Bikini Brigade.  Best of luck to you in helping my 
father!Ó  
         Lolita went out into the snow.  Her retainers followed.  A gingerman 
shut the door.  I looked at Katie.
         ÒWe should see her off,Ó I said to Katie.
         ÒYes.  It would be polite,Ó Katie said.
         ÒAh, this chair is so comfy,Ó Freddie said.  He seemed not to want to 
get up.
         I was just rising off the floor, to follow Lolita and wave goodbye to 
her, when suddenly the walls of the room shook.  I fell to the carpet.
         ÒGood God, whatÕs that?Ó Freddie asked.  He leapt up from his chair.  
A gingerman dashed through the door Lolita had just passed out of.
         ÒCome quick, Lord Fruitcake!Ó the gingerman called.  ÒHer Royal 
Highness is hurt!Ó
         We all rushed for the door.  Myself, Katie, Freddie, and all the 
gingermen.  Somehow Katie managed to squeeze through the mass of 
bodies first.  As soon as she did so, stepping outside, she screamed.  When 
I managed to get myself clear of the gingermen, I screamed too.  There, 
lying in the courtyard, her shimmering dress gone dim, lay Lolita.  Strange 
goo, like from a melted lolliop, was oozing out of her.  Nearby lay a large 
gumdrop.  The walls of the fort shook again.
         ÒYou traitor!Ó I heard, dimly, above the shouts and screams.  The 
shout came from afar, from outside the fort.  
         A gingerman called down to us from the fortÕs walls:
         ÒItÕs Gumdrop Guy, Lord Fruitcake!  HeÕs launching gumdrop rocks at 
our fort!Ó the gingerman yelled.  And, sure enough, even as he spoke, a big 
gumdrop-shaped boulder came hurtling into the courtyard.
         Lord Fruitcake gazed up from the doorway of the room weÕd been in.  
He watched as a gumdrop rock landed near where the lollipops were 
parked.  It hit the earth, making them shiver as they hovered in mid-air.  
Newly fallen snow shivered down off them.
         ÒGood God!  The idiot is digging up the mountain and throwing rocks 
at us!Ó Lord Fruitcake said.
         ÒNot throwing, lord!  Hurtling!  With a catapult!Ó a gingerman said.
         ÒDamn Gumdrop Guy!Ó Lord Fruitcake cursed.  ÒSee to her!Ó he cried 
to his gingermen.  Then he went running toward some steps.  They were 
outside, covered with snow.  They led up to the top of the walls of the 
fort.
         ÒGingerman Autonomy!Ó a gingerman called from the walls of the 
fort.  He was yelling at someone out in the snow-covered fields beyond.
         ÒLicorice Lad is our ruler!Ó I heard yelled back.
         ÒLord, Gumdrop Guy has gingermen with him.  Gingermen loyal to 
Licorice Lad,Ó a gingerman yelled to Freddie as he began climbing up the 
stairs.  Suddenly a whirl of bats came in over the wall.  They spotted 
Freddie and descended on him.  Freddie gave a shriek as the butterscotch 
bats fell from the night sky and attacked him.
         ÒCome on!Ó I yelled to Katie.  Our safe, secure refuge was safe no 
more.  I grabbed her arm.  I ran forward through the snow.
         ÒWhere are we going?Ó Katie yelled to me.
         ÒWe canÕt stay here.  The gingermen are attacking, and FreddieÕs been 
hurt!Ó I said.
         ÒShouldnÕt we help him?  And Princess Lolita?Ó Katie asked.  I pulled 
her along through the snow toward the floating lollipops.
         ÒThereÕs only one way to fix this place.  And thatÕs to put the Sultan 
back on his throne!Ó I told her.  ÒThe real Sultan.Ó  I mounted one of the 
lollipops, not bothering to brush the snow off of it.  I grabbed the stick of 
the lollipop and gazed down at it.  How did you make one of these things 
fly? I wondered.  Next to me, Katie mounted a lollipop of her own.  A 
gumdrop boulder came crashing down near us.  She cringed.
         ÒWhat about my bubble blower?Ó Katie asked.
         ÒNever mind that,Ó I told her.  ÒWeÕll come back for it later.Ó  But I 
doubted it would still be here, for even as I spoke a huge gumdrop crashed 
through the fruitcake walls of the fort.  ÒWeÕve got to save Candyland!Ó
         Suddenly, as I spoke, wishing the lollipop would lift off, it did.  I 
screamed as I felt it rise up beneath me.  I clung to the stick of the 
lollipop between my legs.  I rose up into the night sky and heard Katie 
shriek as her own lollipop, with her perched atop it, took off.
         ÒWeÕre flying!Ó Katie cried.  
         ÒYes!Ó I said.  ÒLetÕs go!Ó  And with that we soared away into the 
night, leaving the battle below us to continue however it must.



         ÒLet that be a lesson to you!Ó Bon Bon Bibi yelled to Pauline.  The 
poor girl lay on her ice cream sandwich.  She was crying profusely.
         ÒOhhh, IÕm sowwy I stoled one of your bon bons,Ó Pauline bawled.  
Her face was red.  She looked at Bon Bon Bibi, floating on a Necco wafer 
near her ice cream sandwich.  ÒBut you eat my ice cream cones all the 
time!Ó Pauline added.  She rubbed her eyes.
         ÒOnly the ones that float up on my shore,Ó Bon Bon Bibi said.  ÒPlus a 
few more,Ó she confessed.  A wave passed under her, lifting up her fat 
body.  Then it rolled on toward a lollipop shoreline.  ÒYou stay out of my 
forest from now on, little girl.  IÕve built a catapult and IÕll shoot your 
tiny ass next time, with a big bon bon!  A big, giant bon bon that will sink 
you to the bottom of this sea!Ó
         ÒOhhh, no!  YouÕre mean!  And you hurt me!Ó Pauline said.
         ÒAnd you can expect more where that came from, if you ever even 
*think* of bon bons again!Ó Bon Bon Bibi yelled.  Then she turned and bent 
forward on the thin wafer she was riding, and began paddling back toward 
shore.  She looked back over her shoulder.  ÒAnd IÕll keep this thin wafer 
too, thank you very much.Ó
         ÒOh, youÕre stealing my candy!  And my nose and my tummy hurt!Ó 
Pauline cried.
         ÒThis wafer is covered with chocolate,Ó Bon Bon Bibi yelled, riding a 
wave in toward shore.  ÒI should own everything thatÕs covered with 
chocolate!Ó

30

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