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Andrew Roller Presents
NAUGHTY NAKED DREAMGIRLS
in
BIKINI BRIGADE
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Chapter One
ÒThe childÕs safety is paramount!Ó the woman declared to KatieÕs
mother. She was standing at the front door. She looked to be in her mid-
30Õs. She wore a no-nonsense hair style. Her dress might have doubled for
a grocery sack, if it didnÕt have a Mondrian pattern upon it. Unlike
MondrianÕs primary colors, the dress was patterned with lines of light
blue, dark blue, and grey.
The large maples in the front yard cast dappled shadows over a large
van sitting in front of KatieÕs house. ÒCommunity Services,Ó the van had
printed upon it, in large letters. If it was dark, the letters would have
glowed brightly when hit by headlights, but it was morning. A police logo
was imprinted on the side of the van, underneath ÒCommunity Services.Ó
ÒBut I donÕt *want* to go to Child Protective Services!Ó Katie
insisted. She was sitting in the living room. Her mother was at the front
door. MTV was blaring out from a television in the living room. Katie had
turned it up, to try to drown out the argument between her mother and the
woman from Child Protective Services.
ÒAll she said was that a man gave her a hickey. While I was at the
PTA meeting,Ó KatieÕs mother told the woman from Child Protective
Services, whose name was Matilda Brunswald. Ms. Matilda Brunswald, as
she would be quick to remind you, if you forgot the feminist honorific.
ÒNumber one,Ó Ms. Matilda Brunswald said, raising a finger on her
pudgy hand. ÒNumber one, if a grown man has been giving your daughter
hickeys, *that* child is unsafe! And number two, Ms. Pepperdine--Ó
ÒMrs. is fine,Ó KatieÕs mother answered. ÒI may have divorced my
husband, but I havenÕt dropped his last name.Ó
ÒYou shouldnÕt have taken his last name in the first place!Ó Ms.
Matilda Brunswald declared. ÒNumber two, Ms. Pepperdine, there is no
evidence that youÕve ever attended a PTA meeting. In fact, thereÕs a
rumor, which I certainly hope is scurrilous, that youÕve been seen with
various boyfriends at a local motel!Ó
ÒOh, is that what this is about?Ó KatieÕs mother laughed. ÒSomeone
whoÕs never gotten any, jealous of my supposed love life?Ó KatieÕs mother
asked.
ÒNo, that is not what this is about!Ó Matlida Brunswald said hotly.
ÒAdultery isnÕt punishable under state law, at the moment.Ó
ÒNow youÕre saying IÕm--Ó KatieÕs mother began.
ÒWhat IÕm saying,Ó Matilda Brunswald said.
ÒExcuse me. Mind if I get by?Ó I asked. IÕd come up behind Ms.
Matilda Brunswald, having just parked my brand new Jeep 4 x 4 out front,
behind the ÒCommunity ServicesÓ van.
I pinched myself. I didnÕt own a brand new Jeep 4 x 4, did I? I was
13. You had to be at least 16 to drive, by yourself. I turned around. No,
there was no doubt about it. It was there, all right. Shiny with coats of
wax, a factory paint job, and colored fire engine red, my favorite color,
the color of lipstick. Still, I was only 13. How could I be driving it? And
how did I know the name of the Child Protective Services worker? IÕd
never seen her before.
I pinched myself again. This was a dream, right? But I didnÕt
awaken. Instead, Ms. Matilda Brunswald stepped aside, and eyed me
closely as I passed.
I slipped past KatieÕs mom and found Katie sitting on a couch in her
living room. She had her feet on the couch and her knees drawn up to her
chin. Her arms were wrapped protectively around her legs. MTV was
announcing a contest whose prize was a visit from Ozzy Osbourne.
ÒWhoÕs that?Ó I asked Katie. Yet I knew, already, didnÕt I?
ÒThatÕs the Child Protective Services lady,Ó Katie said glumly.
ÒSheÕs pissed Ôcause Nick gave me a kiss and I went to school with it, and
everyone saw it on my neck.Ó
I sat down beside Katie. ÒNick gave you more than I kiss,Ó I said.
ÒShe doesnÕt know that,Ó Katie answered.
ÒWell, donÕt tell her,Ó I said.
ÒI didnÕt tell anyone anything!Ó Katie said. She looked exasperated.
She was obviously not too happy about the woman at the front door.
ÒPRT!Ó the woman at the front door hollared to KatieÕs mom. ÒIÕll
get a court order to remove your daughter from this *dangerous*
environment, where sheÕs permitted to see strange men, and youÕll be
subject to a Parental Rights Termination hearing,Ó the woman told KatieÕs
mom. ÒBetter hire a lawyer.Ó
ÒGood God! I donÕt want to have to go to the expense of hiring a
lawyer,Ó KatieÕs mom replied. ÒAll because my daughter had a hickey--Ó
ÒFrom a man!Ó the Child Protective Services woman yelled.
Katie leaned over to me. She whispered in my ear.
ÒYouÕre going to run away?Ó I asked her.
ÒWhat else can I do?Ó Katie said.
ÒBut where will you go?Ó I asked.
ÒI donÕt know,Ó Katie said. She thought a moment. ÒI know! To the
beach!Ó she said.
ÒWant to go in my Jeep?Ó I asked.
ÒYes!Ó Katie declared. She jumped up from the couch. ÒIÕll get my
new bikini, and my sand toys, and weÕll drive all the way to the beach,
where theyÕll never find me!Ó
ÒAlright,Ó I replied. ÒBut bring a sweater. ItÕs cold this morning.Ó
ÒOkay,Ó Katie said. ÒBut weÕre going to go to a warm beach, okay?
To a beach in Florida, or California. LetÕs go to the beach in Hollywood!
Then we can meet Arnold Schwarzenegger while weÕre having fun at the
beach.Ó
ÒI donÕt know,Ó I told her, but she turned, and went running for the
stairs to her room. ÒHow far is it to California?Ó I asked her.
ÒNot that far,Ó Katie assured me. ÒI was just watching a California
Beach Party on MTV, so it canÕt be that far away.Ó
ÒHow will we get there?Ó I asked. I dashed up the stairs after her.
ÒWeÕll need a map.Ó
ÒI have a map!Ó Katie said. ÒItÕs of the whole United States of
America. Its really big and it has lots of roads in it.Ó
ÒWell, find California on the map then,Ó I told her. ÒAnd tell me
where to turn, so I donÕt get lost trying to get us there.Ó
ÒDid you bring your bikini?Ó Katie asked me. We ran into her room.
She got out her school backpack and began jamming stuff into it. A
deflated beach ball, a snorkel. A swim fin.
ÒI lost the other one,Ó Katie told me, sticking the swim fin into her
back pack.
ÒNo, I didnÕt bring my bikini,Ó I told her. ÒLike I said, itÕs cold
outside.Ó
ÒHere, you can wear one of mine,Ó Katie said. She pulled open a
dresser drawer. She handed me a small pile of cloth swatches and string.
ÒIÕm bigger than you. Your bikini will be kinda small for me,Ó I told
her.
ÒIt doesnÕt matter. Nobody will notice in Hollywood,Ó Katie told me.
ÒExcept hunky surfer dudes. Just pass them along to me if you donÕt like
them.Ó
ÒYouÕre boy crazy,Ó I told her.
ÒSee? My new bikini. ItÕs hot pink,Ó Katie said. The one sheÕd
handed me was red. It was my favorite color, I thought. And it did match
the color of my jeep. I might look pretty cool, wearing it.
ÒDonÕt just bring toys,Ó I told her. ÒPack some makeup too.Ó
ÒYouÕre always worrying about your looks,Ó Katie said. ÒHere, stick
the makeup stuff in your purse. I donÕt want it taking up room in my
knapsack.Ó
ÒWhatÕs that?Ó I asked her. I pointed at a starfish. It was hollow
inside. It looked like a mold, that you could make big cookies with.
ÒYou put sand in it and you can make starfish,Ó Katie said. ÒItÕs
pretty fun.Ó She put it in her knapsack. Then she zipped her knapsack
shut, as far as she could. The finned end of the swim fin was too big to fit
in the knapsack, and stuck out the back of it. Katie shouldered her
knapsack. She picked up a pail with a spade. The pail and spade were
made of plastic. Cartoon sea horses danced along the outside of the pail.
ÒOkay, I got my sand bucket, my swim fin... oops!Ó Katie said.
ÒWhatÕs the matter?Ó I asked her.
ÒForgot my frisbee!Ó Katie said. She darted to her closet and
returned with a Bugs Bunny frisbee. ÒIt has a crack in it but it still flies
pretty good,Ó Katie assured me. ÒLetÕs go!Ó
ÒWeÕll have to go out the back,Ó I told her.
ÒYeah. And IÕll have to sneak around past that lady to get in your
jeep. She wonÕt see me, if I go behind the hedge,Ó Katie said.
ÒLetÕs hope so,Ó I replied. I crossed my fingers.
Downstairs, in the kitchen, we grabbed a big pile of Lunchables out
of the fridge. We loaded them into two grocery bags, along with soda,
fruit juice, and two bags of potato chips. (Barbecue for me, plain for
Katie.) We got a beach towel out of the hall linen closet. We went to the
downstairs bathroom and got a bottle of suntan lotion.
ÒAlright, I guess weÕve got as much stuff as we can carry,Ó I told
Katie.
ÒDo you think weÕll need any peanut butter?Ó Katie asked me.
ÒBetter get some, if you want it,Ó I told her.
ÒYes. Otherwise I might wind up having to eat chunky peanut butter.
We have a whole new jar of creamy peanut butter up in the cabinet here.
ThatÕs my favorite.Ó
ÒHow about these cards?Ó I asked her, spying a pack of Bicycle
playing cards by the telephone in the kitchen.
ÒOkay,Ó Katie said.
ÒHereÕs some other games, down next to the wastebasket,Ó I told
her. ÒCandyland. You want to bring that?Ó
ÒNO!Ó Katie said. ÒWeÕre throwing that out. ItÕs a boring game. IÕm
too big for it, now.Ó
ÒYour mom might get pregnant again,Ó I told her.
ÒNah,Ó Katie said. ÒIÕm the one and only.Ó
ÒYou want to give these games to the Salvation Army?Ó I asked her.
ÒCandyland, Chutes and Ladders...Ó
ÒNo time!Ó Katie said. ÒAnyways my momÕs too lazy to go find out
where the Salvation Army lives. Come on, letÕs go. Otherwise that Child
Protective Services lady will take me!Ó
ÒAlright,Ó I said. Leaving the games behind, I picked up the Bicycle
playing cards.
ÒWant some cigarettes?Ó Katie asked me, opening a drawer near the
phone. There was a pack of Virginia Slims cigarettes in the drawer.
ÒNo. Cigarettes are bad for your health,Ó I told her. ÒBesides weÕve
got half the stuff in your house already. LetÕs just go.Ó
ÒLemme take just one,Ó Katie said. She pulled a cigarette out of the
pack. She put it in her mouth. Her hands were too full to carry it, what
with a sand bucket in one hand, a frisbee in the other, and a bag of soda
and Lunchables poised in the arm that held the frisbee. ÒIÕve cum a long
way, baby,Ó she told me.
ÒWeÕre going a long way, IÕm afraid,Ó I told her.
ÒOh yeah. I forgot the map,Ó Katie said. She went, as best she could,
dashing back up the stairs to her room.
We stopped at 7/11 for yet more stuff. I wanted to look at the
magazines, and see if the new Seventeen was out yet. Katie said we
needed more snack food.
ÒIt could be fifty or sixty miles to California,Ó she told me. ÒWe
donÕt want to run out of Doritos.Ó
ÒOkay,Ó I said, looking at the magazines. ÒBut I only have two
dollars. DonÕt buy too many bags of them.Ó
ÒTwo for me and one for you,Ó she said.
ÒWhat? Why do you get two?Ó I asked her.
ÒBecause IÕm in charge of the map,Ó Katie replied.
ÒSo?Ó I asked.
ÒSo, the map is hard work. Driving is fun,Ó Katie said.
ÒHmmm. Whatever. IÕm not that crazy about Doritos,Ó I told her. ÒI
like barbecue potato chips better.Ó
ÒJay Leno eats Dortios,Ó Katie told me. ÒBut donÕt worry. IÕll eat
your bag for you if you decide you donÕt want them.Ó
ÒThanks,Ó I said.
I couldnÕt find Seventeen, so we got in line without it. Standing
there, waiting to pay for our food, Katie pointed to a fat, slightly
disreputable man standing in front of us.
ÒIÕll have a Playboy and a Penthouse and a Hustler,Ó he told the clerk
behind the counter.
ÒI know who that guy is,Ó Katie said to me, quite seriously, pointing
to him but trying not to be seen pointing.
ÒWho?Ó I asked. Can you imagine? I thought to myself. ItÕs bad
enough he asks the clerk for Playboy. But Penthouse and Hustler too?
ÒHe was on T.V. last week,Ó Katie told me. ÒOn AmericaÕs Most
Wanted.Ó
ÒReally?Ó I asked. ÒHeÕs a pervert too. Look at all those X-Rated
magazines heÕs buying.Ó
ÒAnd he needs to wash his hair too,Ó Katie told me. ÒIÕm going to
call the Police and report him.Ó
ÒAre you sure?Ó I asked her. ÒWhat if it isnÕt him?Ó
ÒDoggie DoGood told us in school to report any suspicious people,Ó
Katie told me. ÒIÕll call the Police and heÕll get in lots of trouble. Serves
him right for buying all those X-Rated magazines!Ó
I looked at her. ÒYou donÕt really think you saw him on T.V. last
week, do you?
ÒSo?Ó Katie told me. ÒLetÕs get him in trouble anyway.Ó
ÒItÕs not nice to get people in trouble who didnÕt do anything,Ó I told
her.
ÒHeÕs buying X-Rated magazines!Ó Katie said to me. ÒHeÕs obviously
a pervert. All perverts need to be put in prison. ThatÕs what Doggie
DoGood says!Ó
ÒBut if--Ó I began. The man in front of us asked for a bag for his
magazines. ÒIf we get someone in trouble who didnÕt *actually* do
anything,Ó I told her. ÒWe might get ourselves into trouble. You know the
old saying, ÔWhat goes around, comes around.ÕÓ
ÒWeÕre just girls,Ó Katie said. ÒWe can call the Police anonymously.
The hot line. That would be fun, calling the hot line. You pay for our stuff
and IÕll copy down that manÕs license plate. Then we can get him in
trouble for buying X-Rated magazines.Ó
ÒI donÕt know,Ó I said. But Katie dumped her junk food in my arms,
and went to the store window. She watched the man leave the store. She
watched him get in his car. When heÕd left, she came back to the counter,
where I was paying for our food.
ÒCan I borrow a pen?Ó Katie asked the clerk.
ÒSure,Ó the clerk said. ÒJust grab one of those out of that jar
there.Ó
ÒThanks,Ó Katie said.
ÒWhat are you doing?Ó I asked her.
ÒIÕm writing down something important,Ó Katie told me. She winked
at me.
Outside, snacking on Doritos, Katie called the Police. She told the
hot line that a man had been following little girls, and that sheÕd copied
down his license plate. The hot line thanked her for her call.
ÒThere, all done,Ó Katie beamed, hanging up the phone.
ÒI just hope we donÕt get into trouble,Ó I told her.
ÒWeÕre *girls*,Ó Katie assured me. ÒWe canÕt get in trouble.Ó
ÒWhat about the Child Protective Services lady?Ó I asked her.
ÒOh, yeah,Ó Katie said. ÒWell, except for her, that is. Come on, letÕs
go to Hollywood and meet Arnold Schwarzenegger!Ó
ÒI just hope nothing bad happens to us,Ó I told her.
ÒNothing ever will!Ó Katie shouted. She skipped ahead of me, toward
my new jeep, happily munching on a bag of Doritos.
Noon came, and then afternoon. We were still driving. I wasnÕt sure
how far California was from New York, but I began to suspect that it was
farther than Katie, in charge of the map, had let on. I asked to look at the
map but she assured me she knew how far it was.
ÒAnyway, itÕs my map,Ó Katie added. I scowled, but kept driving. It
was my jeep, at least, even if the map did belong to her. I followed the
setting sun, as it sank over a distant range of mountains.
Night approached. I found myself in a deep forest, climbing uphill,
with Katie still refusing to let me look at the map. Large trees closed in
around us. Their shadows deepened. At last we were engulfed in total
darkness, with only the jeepÕs headlights giving us light. I could see no
moon. The trees gathered thickly around us, blocking out the sky.
ÒWhere are we?Ó Katie asked me.
ÒHow should I know?Ó I replied. ÒYouÕre in charge of the map.Ó
ÒI think weÕre lost,Ó Katie said.
ÒOh, great!Ó I answered. I smelled a scent of cider on the air.
ÒMaybe weÕre in Washington State,Ó I told her. ÒI smell apples.Ó
ÒMe too!Ó Katie said. ÒI like apples.Ó
I noticed there was a crunching of gravel under the tires of my jeep.
ÒSay, when did we leave the road?Ó I asked Katie.
ÒWeÕre on a road!Ó Katie answered.
ÒA gravel road,Ó I told her. ÒWhen did we leave the main road?Ó
ÒI dunno,Ó Katie said. ÒJust keep driving. WeÕll hook up with a main
road in a minute or two.Ó
ÒHow do you know that?Ó I asked her.
ÒMy dad used to take me fishing, before my mom and him got
divorced,Ó Katie said. She gazed around, in the complete darkness
surrounding us. ÒYep. This place sorta reminds me of where we went
fishing. Just keep going. I think I know where we are.Ó
ÒOkay,Ó I said. Turning around wasnÕt an option, anyway. There were
big ditches on either side of the road, I saw now. IÕd have risked putting
my new jeep in a ditch if I tried to turn it around. And backing up would
have been difficult, for I wasnÕt yet the greatest driver when it came to
going backwards, especially on a road lined with ditches.
On we went, deeper into the forest. It grew late. Katie asked me to
stop.
ÒI have to go to the bathroom,Ó she whispered.
ÒWe should wait until we get to a gas station,Ó I told her.
ÒThereÕs no gas station around here,Ó Katie told me. ÒAnd no people
either. IÕll just slip out and go in the dark.Ó
ÒOkay,Ó I said. I had to go too. I stopped the jeep. There wasnÕt any
shoulder to pull over on, so I just parked it in the road. I left the engine
running, and the lights on. The jeepÕs headlights were our only source of
light.
Katie and I peed on the edge of the ditch, crouched by the side of the
road. Walking back to our jeep, she kicked at some of the gravel in the
road.
ÒIt smells sweet,Ó Katie said, kicking up the rocks. She stopped.
She gazed down at her feet in the darkness. ÒThese rocks look purple,Ó
Katie told me. She picked up a handful. She tried to examine them. ÒAnd
they smell delicious. She put one up to her nose. Then, tentatively, she
extended her tongue. ÒYum!Ó Katie said. She popped a rock in her mouth.
She began to chew.
ÒYouÕre eating rocks!Ó I told her.
ÒThis isnÕt any ordinary rock... none of them are,Ó Katie said. She had
a handful of them and she lifted the whole handful up to her nose. ÒThese
are Wild Berry Pop Rocks!Ó Katie told me. ÒYummy!Ó She dumped the
entire handful into her mouth.
ÒYouÕre kidding,Ó I said. But there was no denying that Katie was
eating rocks. Rocks straight from the road. I bent down, and scooped up a
handful, though not as big a handful as she had. I was worried about
breaking my nails. I sniffed the rocks. ÒThey do sort of smell like...Ó I
began. I licked at the rocks in my hands. ÒThey are Pop Rocks!Ó I
exclaimed. ÒHow on earth did we wind up on a gravel road made of Pop
Rocks?Ó
ÒI have no idea,Ó Katie said happily.
Some time later, we sat in my jeep, quite full of Pop Rocks.
Katie blew a bubble.
ÒYou should have given your Candyland game to the Salvation Army,Ó
I told her. ÒAnd you shouldnÕt have called the Police hot line just because
you saw some guy buying X-Rated magazines at the 7/11.Ó
ÒI have more bad news for you,Ó Katie told me. She pulled a package
out of a pocket in her jeans. ÒSee this bag of Gummi Bears?Ó she asked
me.
ÒYes,Ó I said.
ÒI stoleÕd it,Ó Katie told me.
ÒWhat? You stole it? From the 7/11?Ó I asked her.
ÒYep,Ó Katie said.
ÒThatÕs three bad things youÕve done today,Ó I told her. ÒThatÕs like...
like three strikes and youÕre out!Ó
ÒI know,Ó Katie said. She gazed out past the front of my jeep. The
headlights of my jeep blazed into the gloom of the forest, their beams
quickly lost amongst the thicket of trees that hemmed in the road. ÒWhat
goes up comes down,Ó she said.
ÒWhat goes around, comes around,Ó I told her.
ÒIÕm full of Pop Rocks,Ó she confessed to me.
ÒSo am I,Ó I answered.
ÒWell, drive on,Ó Katie said. ÒMaybe some rich guy lined the road
with Pop Rocks, for some strange reason. Maybe he could help us get
unlost, if we find him.Ó
ÒOkay,Ó I said. I started the jeepÕs engine. I looked at her. ÒI just
hope he isnÕt as bad as you are. Otherwise, weÕre really in trouble!Ó
ÒYeah. He might steal me, like I stole the Gummi Bears,Ó Katie
agreed.
The trees grew denser. The road continued to crunch underneath my
tires. When I stopped, and got out again, I found we were still driving on
Wild Berry Pop Rocks.
Katie gazed up at the overhanging branches of the trees.
ÒBambi?Ó she said to me, in a quiet voice.
ÒYes?Ó I asked, standing on a road made of Pop Rocks, examining a
handful of them.
ÒYouÕre not gonna bÕlieve this,Ó Katie said, quite seriously.
ÒWhat? Did you steal something else?Ó I asked her.
ÒNope,Ó Katie said. ÒBut there are candy apples hanging from the
branches of the trees.Ó
ÒYouÕre kidding!Ó I said. I looked up. Normally I might have been
happy. After all, I loved candy apples. But this was getting way too
weird. It was hard to imagine an entire road made of Pop Rocks. Now the
trees around us were growing candy apples?
We ate our fill of candy apples.
ÒThis isnÕt a bad place,Ó Katie said.
ÒI just wish I knew where we were,Ó I replied.
ÒIÕm sleepy,Ó Katie said.
ÒMe too,Ó I answered.
ÒI think I have a tummy ache,Ó Katie said.
ÒMe too,Ó I answered.
We threw up in the ditch by the side of the road.
I sensed light. My eyes popped open. It was morning. Sunlight
shafted down through the dense trees. There was a maple leaf in my lap.
It was gold. I gazed at it, thinking, ÔWell of course. ItÕs autumn.Õ Then,
looking closer, I realized the leaf was made of gold foil. I picked it up,
out of my lap. I peeled back the gold foil. Inside, there was a very thin
layer of chocolate!
I pinched myself. Hard. Nothing happened. So I unwrapped the leaf
and popped it in my mouth. It was delicious. Looking up, I saw we were
parked under a canopy of gold leaves. From the branches of the trees hung
red candy apples. I leaned over the side of my jeep. The road was still
made of Wild Berry Pop Rocks, just like the night before.
Gazing around me, I saw a sign. It was a sign that looked wooden
but, when I peered at it more deliberately, I saw that it wasnÕt made of
wood, but of peanut brittle. Printed on the sign, in quaint-looking letters,
that looked for all the world to be made of black licorice, was the word,
ÒCandylandÓ. Beneath it, in smaller letters, were the words, ÒCitadel
307ksÓ
I grabbed KatieÕs arm. Sleepily, she opened her eyes. There was a
stick in her hands, the candy apple eaten off it the night before. Her palms
and the front of her shirt were purple, from eating Wild Berry Pop Rocks.
ÒKatie!Ó I cried. ÒWeÕre in fucking Candyland!Ó
Òhuh?Ó Katie asked. She had pop rock gum in her mouth. She began
chewing it.
ÒKatie,Ó I said. ÒLook! Look at that sign. WeÕre not just on some
road some rich guy covered with pop rocks. WeÕre actually in Candyland!Ó
Katie raised herself up in her seat, quickly. She gazed past me, at
the sign I was pointing to. ÒIt says, it says ÔCandylandÕ!Ó Katie said.
ÒWeÕre in Candyland, Katie!Ó I told her.
ÒI canÕt bÕlieve it,Ó Katie said. Her eyes were wide. We stared at
the sign, together.
Katie pinched herself. Then she pinched me.
ÒOW!Ó I cried. I pinched her back.
ÒOW!Ó Katie said. Then, she added, ÒThe sign still says Candyland.Ó
ÒWeÕre going to have some major explaining to do when we get home
to your mother,Ó I told her.
ÒYeah. And we might have to see the dentist too,Ó Katie said.
When we got over our shock at being in Candyland, I tried starting
my jeep.
ÒDamn!Ó I said. ÒI canÕt believe it.Ó
ÒWhatÕs the matter?Ó Katie asked. She was standing on the seat,
picking another candy apple off the overhanging branches.
ÒI fell asleep with the headlights on, and now my batteryÕs dead,Ó I
told her.
ÒWell, we could be lost in a worse place,Ó Katie said. She bit into
the candy apple sheÕd picked. ÒYum! These sure are good!Ó
ÒDonÕt eat so many that you throw up,Ó I warned her.
ÒOh, yeah,Ó Katie said. She munched more slowly.
I tried starting my jeep again.
ÒThis is ridiculous,Ó I confessed, when I found, after many tries,
that I absolutely could not get my jeep to start.
ÒWell at least weÕre lost in a yummy place,Ó Katie told me.
ÒYeah,Ó I said.
ÒLetÕs just get out and follow the road on foot,Ó Katie said. ÒMaybe
weÕre pretty close to Hollywood. We drove a lot yesterday.Ó
ÒOkay,Ó I agreed, though I had my doubts about the proximity of
Hollywood to our location. One thing was for sure, though. There was a
forest full of candy apples surrounding us. As long as we liked apples, and
pop rocks, and chocolate leaves, weÕd have plenty of food to subsist on.
Not to mention the sign. Katie got out of the jeep and went over to it and
took a bite out of it.
ÒYum,Ó Katie said. ÒLeave the peanut butter in the jeep. I can just
take along part of this sign.Ó
ÒKatie! You shouldnÕt break it!Ó I told her. But it was too late. She
broke off a big chunk of the sign. She began eating it.
A low growl came from within the trees.
ÒWhatÕs that?Ó Katie asked me. She stopped chewing. There was
peanut brittle smeared over her cheeks. She gazed at me with large,
wondering eyes.
ÒIt sounds like a bear,Ó I confessed.
Suddenly, a crashing of underbrush was heard, accompanied by
another growl.
ÒYEEEEK!Ó Katie cried. A huge, furry, purple figure emerged from the
trees right behind her.
ÒWhoÕs damaging my forest?!Ó the bear-like figure cried. I jumped
from my jeep and ran to the ditch along the side of the road. Katie ran to
the ditch and jumped in with me.
The bear stopped. It sniffed at the sweet-smelling air. It dropped
to all fours, no longer standing upright. It gazed about, but appeared to be
near-sighted, or something, for it did not see Katie or follow her dashing
figure over to the ditch.
ÒWhoÕs damaging my forest?Ó the figure asked again, as if of the
trees themselves.
ÒWhatÕs that?Ó I asked Katie.
ÒI dunno,Ó Katie answered.
ÒWhoÕs that talking?!Ó the bear inquired. It sniffed the air.
ÒItÕs big, and purple...Ó I said as quietly as I could to Katie.
ÒI know,Ó Katie whispered.
ÒPurple?Ó the bear asked. ÒPurple? Of course IÕm purple! IÕm a
berry bear! Who are you?Ó
Katie found her courage and said, ÒIÕm Katie. AnÕ IÕm in Candyland.
Is that your sign?Ó
The bear emitted a low growl. ÒOf course itÕs my sign,Ó the bear
said. ÒIÕm the keeper of the forest. I have to fix the signs if people eat
them. What if somebody else needs directions, after youÕve passed
through? What will they do? Will I just have to tell them, ÔSorry, but
somebody ate the sign?ÕÓ
ÒNo. Tell them Katie Pepperdine ate the sign,Ó Katie said.
ÒThat wonÕt do them much good, if they need to know how far it is to
the Citadel. Especially if IÕm not around,Ó the bear answered. ÒOf course,
I try to be around here if I can, since this is the forestÕs edge, or near
enough, you know, so that if anyone comes by, itÕs here theyÕll land first.Ó
I raised my head from the ditch. I let the bear see me. Though he
didnÕt appear to see too well, mostly relying on his hearing.
ÒIs the exit back there?Ó I asked him. ÒCan we walk back, and get
out of this place?Ó
ÒHmmm,Ó the bear growled. ÒYou sound human. Are you human?Ó
ÒYes! WeÕre humans. WeÕre girls!Ó Katie said eagerly.
ÒWe donÕt belong in Candyland,Ó I told the bear.
ÒEven if it is a yummy place,Ó Katie said.
The bear stood on all fours, in the road. He sniffed at the pop rocks.
ÒIf youÕre human,Ó the bear said at last, ÒthatÕs both good and bad.
Good, because you can save Candyland. But bad, because youÕre not
supposed to be here.Ó He paused. He sniffed again at the pop rocks lining
the roadbed. ÒDid you--Ó he paused. ÒNot to impugn your integrity. But
did you, by any chance, steal a bag of Gummi Bears?Ó
ÒYes,Ó Katie admitted. ÒFrom the 7/11.Ó She pulled the bag of them
from a pocket in her jeans. They looked slightly squashed. SheÕd opened
the bag, and eaten some of them. ÒYou can have the rest back,Ó Katie told
the bear. ÒI only ate about half of them.Ó
The bear only sniffed the air in reply. At last he asked, ÒDid you, by
any chance, fail to do something good, and perhaps do something bad, *as
well* as steal a bag of Gummi Bears?Ó
ÒWell,Ó Katie said, considering. ÒI could have given my Candyland
game to the Salvation Army, but instead I threw it in the trash. And I told
the hot line that a guy buying X-Rated magazines at the 7/11 was a child
molester!Ó
ÒThatÕll do it,Ó the bear said. ÒNo wonder youÕre here. YouÕve passed
through the veil of mists, and thereÕs no getting back to where you came
from, except through the Peppermint Portal. ThatÕs in the Citadel. The
Citadel of Sweets.Ó
ÒOh,Ó I said. I gazed at the half-eaten sign. It said, ÒCit,Ó and under
that, Ò30Ó. The rest had been broken off by Katie. But I remembered the
distance. Ò307ks to the Citadel,Ó I said to the berry bear. ÒIs that the
Citadel of Sweets?Ó
ÒYes indeed,Ó the bear said.
ÒSo how far... how far is 307ks?Ó I asked.
The bear pawed at the pop rocks in the road. ÒWell,Ó he said, at last.
Ò307ks means 307 kisses. Like HersheyÕs Kisses. Lined up end to end, you
know. Except ks is a muliple, actually. A multiple of... something,Ó he
said. Ò3, or 10, or perhaps 22.Ó
ÒTwenty-two?Ó Katie asked. Ò307 times 22 equals a lot!Ó
ÒI know,Ó the bear said. ÒMore than I can figure, anyway. But it is
some distance, thatÕs for sure.Ó He looked at my jeep. ÒCan you drive?Ó
ÒI can drive, but the batteryÕs dead,Ó I told the bear.
ÒYouÕll have to walk then,Ó the bear said.
ÒHowÕre we gonna carry all our stuff?Ó Katie asked.
ÒYou canÕt,Ó the bear said. ÒBut donÕt worry. While youÕre in
Candyland, youÕll be a little different from when you were back where you
came from. For one thing, you wonÕt need to eat food. Just candy. And
when you, um, sorry to be indecent... but when you piss, youÕll be pissing
lemonade. And your, um, your turds... well, theyÕll be made of chocolate.Ó
ÒYummie!Ó Katie exclaimed. ÒThat makes me want to go to the
bathroom right now! IÕm thirsty for some lemonade!Ó
ÒNo! No!Ó the bear cautioned. ÒDonÕt actually drink your pee. ItÕs not
good for you. After all, it came out of you, so you donÕt want to be putting
it back into you. DonÕt eat... sorry to have to say this, girls. But donÕt eat
your turds, okay?Ó
ÒYuck!Ó Katie admitted.
ÒRight,Ó the bear agreed. ÒYuckÕs the word. DonÕt drink your piss or
eat your poop. Otherwise, you should do okay. After all, this is Candyland.
As long as you like candy, thereÕll be plenty to eat.Ó
The bear helped us get our things out of the jeep. We couldnÕt carry
everything. We gave him what we couldnÕt carry.
ÒCan you come with us?Ó Katie asked him, when weÕd loaded
ourselves down with as much as we could carry.
ÒNo, as the forest keeper, IÕve got to stay where I am,Ó the bear said.
ÒOther lost children who still believe in Candyland might show up here.
ItÕs possible, though it happens only infrequently. But itÕs my duty as
keeper of the forest to help anyone who does show up.Ó He grinned. ÒA
duty bestowed on me personally, by the Sultan,Ó he added.
ÒWhere is this Sultan?Ó I asked.
The bear frowned. ÒThat, IÕm afraid, is a very sad story. The
Licorice Lad, who lives in Licorice Loch... well, he used to live there... the
Licorice Lad has imprisoned the Sultan in his own dungeon, and set himself
up as Sultan instead. Not that heÕs doing a very good job,Ó the bear added.
ÒFor one thing, youÕre here. That shouldnÕt happen, ordinarily, even if you
werenÕt the two goodest girls back where you came from. But now, with
Licorice Lad in charge, well, most anything could happen, I suppose. I do
hope Candyland isnÕt invaded by a whole host of you humans. Mostly we
get visited by little girls and boys, and then only rarely, in their dreams.
But two teenage girls?Ó the bear paused. He sniffed at us. We stood
before him, clad in our jeans, me in my Fuck Decency t-shirt and Katie in
her Ozzy Osbourne shirt that sheÕd gotten from MTV for entering the ÒBe
Obscene with OzzyÓ contest. ÒHmmm.Ó the bear said. ÒI have a bad feeling
about this.Ó
ÒWhy?Ó Katie asked.
ÒWell, thereÕs various ways one can enter Candyland,Ó the bear said.
ÒIÕd have to consult the SultanÕs Book of State to know them all. But being
a little kid, and dreaming of us, is one way. Or stealing Gummi Bears, and
doing something bad, and failing to do something good, is another way.
And then...Ó the bear paused. ÒThere is another way. And it would take
someone like the Licorice Lad to do it, too.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó I asked.
ÒHmmm,Ó the bear pawed at the pop rock road. ÒBy doing something
bad, and failing to do something good, and stealing Gummi Bears, you made
yourselves eligible for coming to Candyland. Now, ordinarily, the Sultan
wouldnÕt have someone in, just for that. But, by being eligible, you fell
prey to the Licorice Lad, since heÕs in charge now. And, well, IÕm afraid...
Well, girls. I think he may have kidnapped you. And not to play Candyland
with you, either. After all, youÕre both teenage girls. He may have
something up his sleeve that involves parts of your bodies that you
normally keep clothed. HeÕs a bad one, that Licorice Lad.Ó
ÒYou mean, like, he may have brought us to Candyland to fuck us?Ó I
asked the bear.
ÒExactly,Ó the bear said. ÒAnd heÕs got hordes of Gingermen at his
disposal, since heÕs now the Sultan of Candyland. Normally the Gingermen
help little girls and boys, if they need it, while theyÕre visiting Candyland.
But now, since Licorice Lad is Sultan, he can make them do his bidding. He
could have patrols of Gingermen out looking for you right now. You
wouldnÕt want to get caught by them. Not now, for theyÕd take you
straight to Licorice Lad, where, like I say, heÕd do indecent things to you.Ó
ÒThat sounds scary,Ó I said.
ÒYeah,Ó Katie agreed.
The bear sniffed the air. ÒGet down!Ó he said suddenly, in a low
growl.
ÒHuh?Ó I asked. I dropped to my knees in the pop rock road.
ÒGet under your jeep,Ó the bear added. Quickly I crawled underneath
it. Katie scrambled in after me.
I heard a fluttering sound. I peeked out from under the jeep. I saw
two gold-colored birds moving through the branches. The bear growled at
them, very loudly. Katie let out a small, soft yelp and pressed herself
against me.
After a while, the bear told us we could come out from under my
jeep.
ÒWhat was that all about?Ó Katie asked.
ÒThere were some butterscotch bats, flying in amongst the trees,Ó
the bear told us. ÒThey work for Licorice Lad. If ever you smell
butterscotch, hide! It could be nothing, or it could be those bats. TheyÕre
looking for you, I reckon, just like the gingermen are.Ó
ÒWhat will they do to us if they find us?Ó Katie asked, wide-eyed.
ÒReport you to Licorice Lad, of course, or to his gingermen. Then
youÕll be found and taken to him.Ó
ÒYikes!Ó I said.
ÒThey used to hang out in the Cocoa Cave, near the Licorice Loch, but
now theyÕre free to roam the realm,Ó the bear said. He shook his muzzled
head. ÒI do wish I could go with you girls. But then thereÕd be nobody
here, if any other children should pass by. Or, considering Licorice Lad is
in charge, teenage girls. I do hope no other teenage girls back in your
world steal gummi bears, and do something bad, and fail to do something
good. IÕm mostly used to dealing just with little children. And not
children in danger of being kidnapped, either. Just children who want
directions on touring Candyland, and would like to visit the Sultan.
Mostly, I can just pass them along to the gingermen. But not now. Now
everything is topsy turvy. The gingermen are bad, the bats are loose, and
youÕre here.Ó The bear shook his head.
ÒWhatÕs your name?Ó Katie asked.
ÒOh, yes,Ó the bear grinned. His teeth showed. ÒBoswell the Berry
Bear, thatÕs me. If you ever need help--Ó He shook his head. ÒWell, not
much I can do, in that department, I guess. IÕve got to stay here. Mostly I
stay here anyway, but, you know, nowadays, sometimes I feel like the last
sane creature alive in Candyland. Everyone else seems to slowly be falling
under Licorice LadÕs spell. ThatÕs the power of the SultanÕs throne.
Sitting there, in the Citadel of Sweets, wearing the Candy Crown, with all
the different types of candy in it, like a big turban encrusted with jewels,
you have great power in Candyland. But IÕm far away, so it takes a long
time for his power to influence me. But beware of anyone else you meet.
They may be sweet, but it could be a trap. Like treacle, designed to win
you over so they can do you in. Some may still be on the SultanÕs side, as
they should be. But others may not be.Ó
ÒWhat do you mean?Ó I asked.
ÒWell, take me, for instance,Ó Boswell said. ÒIÕd like everyone to
love bears. And to eat candy apples. But the Gumdrop Guy, who looks like
several Michelin Tires stacked on top of each other, just in case you
should see him, heÕd like everyone in your world to eat gumdrops.
Gumdrops and nothing but gumdrops. And Peppermint Pete, who lives
amidst the Peppermint Pines, heÕd like for everyone in your world to eat
nothing but peppermint sticks. Not just at Christmas, but year round.Ó
ÒI donÕt think I could eat peppermint sticks all year,Ó Katie said. ÒI
like gummi bears too.Ó
ÒYes! Gummi bears. Yum!Ó Boswell Bear agreed. ÒNow, usually,
weÕre quite understanding of each other. We realize that humans need to
eat different types of candy. But not now. Licorice Lad has Peppermint
Pete thinking all the humans can be made to like peppermint, and nothing
but peppermint. And the same for the Gumdrop Guy. And Peanut Brittle
Polly... sheÕs such a sweet soul. But she may have fallen under Licorice
LadÕs spell too. He may have her thinking that in your world everyone can
be made to eat no other candy but peanut brittle.Ó
ÒI definitely donÕt want to eat nothing but peanut brittle all year,Ó
Katie said.
ÒMe too,Ó I agreed.
ÒWell, being human, neither of you are under Licorice LadÕs spell,Ó
Boswell told us. ÒNot automatically, that is. He canÕt just sit in the
SultanÕs throne, and put on the SultanÕs turban, and ensconse himself there
in the Citadel and send out conforming brain waves that make you fall
under his spell. Up close and personal, of course, it might be another
matter. Licorice LadÕs quite powerful, now that heÕs Sultan.
ÒBut how do we get home?Ó Katie asked Boswell.
ÒYou must free the Sultan, for heÕs the only one who knows how to
operate the Peppermint Portal,Ó Boswell said. ÒItÕs very powerful, for it
allows humans like yourselves to transport yourselves back to where you
came from.Ó He grinned. ÒDonÕt steal any more gummi bears when you get
back there.Ó
ÒWe wonÕt!Ó Katie said.
ÒYou mean *you* wonÕt,Ó I told her. ÒWhat am I doing here?Ó I asked
Boswell.
ÒSimple,Ó Boswell said. ÒYou were standing, or perhaps sitting, next
to her when Licorice Lad brought her through the veil of mists. If youÕre
close enough, youÕll be pulled through the vortex along with her.
Especially if you knew of the bad thing, and knew of the good thing that
wasnÕt done, and were there when your friend stole the gummi bears.Ó
ÒIÕm afraid I was,Ó I said glumly.
ÒYes. Obviously,Ó Boswell said. ÒWell, we could talk on this all day,
I suppose. But you must be going. If you wish to get back home, that is.
And if you want to stay out of the clutches of Licorice Lad.Ó
ÒWe definitely donÕt want to be with him,Ó Katie said. She was
holding a candy apple, and she bit into it. ÒHe sounds like that guy who
bought those X-Rated magazines at the 7/11.Ó
ÒYeah,Ó I agreed.
ÒWell, Licorice Lad is about 15,Ó Boswell said. ÒA most anti-social
fellow, I must admit, except for those bats he has. Once I saw him fooling
around with some pop rocks in the road. I asked him what he was doing,
chewing all those pop rocks, and piling them up into neat little piles. He
looked like he was making figurines. Or statues. He told me he was hoping
to make Bubblegum Babes. ThatÕs what he said. Bubblegum Babes, that he
could do wicked things to.Ó
ÒYikes!Ó I said.
ÒI donÕt want to be his Bubblegum Babe,Ó Katie said frankly.
ÒMe neither,Ó I said.
ÒThen get as quickly as you can to the Citadel,Ó Boswell told us.
ÒAnd be careful. For, once youÕre there, it still wonÕt be easy. YouÕll have
to find a way to free the Sultan and restore him to his throne. Travel by
day, if you can. The bats will be out mostly at night. Only a few can fly
during the day. But be careful in the daytime too, for thatÕs when the
gingermen will be most likely to be searching. They used to like sleeping
late, but IÕll bet Licorice Lad has them up bright and early now. There are
many pop rock paths to the Citadel. DonÕt take the most obvious one.
Switch around, and go through the trees, and over the meadows, and up
thorugh the mountain passes.Ó
ÒDo you have a map?Ó I asked Boswell.
ÒNo,Ó Boswell said. ÒThat was the gingermenÕs job, to help little
children along their way. The Sultan had a big coach that heÕd come and
pick me up in, on those rare times when IÕd get to go to the Citadel.Ó
ÒWell,Ó I said, looking at Katie. ÒLike it or not, it looks like weÕre
on our own.Ó
Katie sniffed the air. ÒWe could be in a worse place than
Candyland,Ó Katie said. ÒAnd licorice isnÕt such a bad candy.Ó
ÒBeware!Ó Boswell said. ÒThatÕs the sort of spell Licorice Lad can
cast on your mind, now that heÕs the Sultan.Ó Boswell sighed. ÒHe must be
more powerful than IÕd imagined. Beware of licorice, girls. Try not to eat
it. Try not even to think about it! Especially black licorice. ThatÕs
Licorice LadÕs favorite color-- black!Ó
ÒYick!Ó Katie said.
ÒRight,Ó Boswell agreed.
ÒCan anyone help us?Ó I asked. I was beginning to feel desperate.
Katie had managed to get us lost, after all, and her sudden, if momentary,
attraction to licorice seemed ominous.
ÒWell,Ó Boswell said. ÒThereÕs Lolita. She lives on Lollipop Lane,
along the shores of the Lollipop Lagoon. SheÕs the SultanÕs eldest
daughter. SheÕs powerful, but only enough to keep her own realm free of
gingermen. She doesnÕt have the power to free her father, or unseat
Licorice Lad from his throne. And then thereÕs her younger sister, whoÕs
still quite little. SheÕs Pauline Praline. She lives in the Isles of Ice, out
on the Sea of Cream. SheÕd be no use to you, though. SheÕs just a little
first grader, still learning her numbers, and her alphabet. No doubt sheÕs
long since fallen under Licorice LadÕs spell. SheÕd want everyone in your
world to eat ice cream all their lives.
ÒMmmm,Ó Katie said.
ÒKatie!Ó I cried. ÒWeÕve got to get back home. Quit thinking about
your tummy.Ó
ÒOh, yeah,Ó Katie said. She popped more gummi bears in her mouth.
ÒFortunately I stole a whole bag of these.Ó
ÒTut,Ó Boswell said. He looked glum. ÒYou two may be our only hope.
Good luck to you. YouÕd better be going. IÕll walk with you part way, but
then IÕll have to turn back. Others might be along, you know. Anything can
happen, with Licorice Lad in charge.Ó
ÒThatÕs a boy for you,Ó Katie agreed.
ÒYes,Ó I said.
30
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