Andrew Roller Presents
BIKINI BOTS
(Or: ŅKnowledge advances, but menÕs desires never do.Ó)
(Conceived as a film, filmed with a camcorder.)
CAST
(In order of appearance.)
DUMBLY: A male lab assistant to Professor Pork. PorkÕs Ņright hand manÓ.
PROFESSOR PORK: A good (if slightly sexist) professor. (Called ŅPorkÓ in
the stage directions.)
SIX LAB ASSISTANTS: Assistants to Professor Pork. All young females.
(Sometimes referred to in the stage directions as ŅgirlsÓ.)
MIRABELLE: A bad female robot. Built by Professor Blackly.
PROFESSOR BLACKLY: A bad (if slightly sexist) professor. (Called
ŅBlacklyÓ in the stage directions.)
MR. CHUN: A fat, older Chinese businessman. Highly successful. (Called
ŅChunÓ in the stage directions.)
NO. 1 SON: Mr. ChunÕs son. Highly successful (in academics).
INSTRUCTOR: Teaches karate.
WENDY: A good female robot. Built by Professor Pork.
FAT WOMAN: An overweight older woman.
SIX TO 12 VICTIMS: All male.
GEORGE: A friend of Mr. Chun. George is not Chinese.
FEMINIST: An adult woman.
WOMAN 1: Any age, 15 or older.
WOMEN 2, 3, ETC.: Women (mostly adults).
(The parts can be played by anyone, provided there is a reasonable
relationship of the made-up actor to the character.)
TIME
The present.
PLACES
1. Professor PorkÕs lab, which is on planet earth.
2. Professor BlacklyÕs lab, which is in another dimension.
3. Outside Professor PorkÕs lab, on planet earth.
4. Various outdoor locations, all on planet earth.
5. The interior of a karate school, on planet earth.
6. The Chun residence, on planet earth.
ACT I
(Scene by scene: Time, place. (Real location.)
Scene 1: During the work day, PorkÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 2: During the work day, BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 3: Daytime, Chun residence. (Any interior that looks residential.)
Scene 4: A new day. Beginning of work day. PorkÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 5: Same day. Morning. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 6: Same day. Morning. Karate room. (Gym.)
Scene 7: Same day, morning. PorkÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 8: Same day, morning. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 9: Same day, morning, PorkÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 10: Same day, morning, BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.)
ACT II
Scene 11: Same day, morning, outdoors. (Outside Green room door.)
Scene 12: Same day, morning, outdoors. (Around Cosumnes.)
Scene 13: Same day, morning, outdoors. (Around Cosumnes.)
Scene 14: Same day, morning, BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 15: Same day, morning, outdoors. Corner of building. (Around
Cosumnes.)
Scene 16: Same day, morning, outdoors. (Around Cosumnes.)
Scene 17: A week later. During the workday, PorkÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 18: Some days later. Outdoors, late afternoon. (Around Cosumnes.)
Scene 19: Same day. Late afternoon. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 20: Same day. Late afternoon. PorkÕs lab. (Green room.)
Scene 21: Same day. Late afternoon. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.)
ACT I
Scene 1
(During the work day, PorkÕs lab. (Green room.))
(Note: I envision PorkÕs lab as being the Green Room at Cosumnes River
College. With its many lights on the wall, and the shelf in front of the
lights, the Green Room can look like a science lab. Specifically, the many
lights with the attached shelf can be made to represent a kind of
Frankenstein monster workbench, where each professor assembles his
robot. I will call this shelf/workbench a ŅtableÓ in the stage directions.)
(Dumbly rushes into PorkÕs lab, from a side room. Dumbly is holding a pile
of blueprints.)
DUMBLY. Professor Pork! Professor Pork!
(Pork is necking with one of his female lab assistants. She is sitting in
PorkÕs lap.)
PORK. Not now, Dumbly! Not now!
DUMBLY. But is very important lab papers, sir!
PORK. Do you think I get all these federal grants so I can sweat like a pig,
Dumbly? Who needs work! I get the grants so I can hire lab assistants!
(Wide shot shows six lab assistants, all female. One was kissing Pork.
She is still sitting in his lap. She and the other females are all now
silently staring at and adoring Professor Pork.)
DUMBLY. Professor Pork! I just returned from another dimension!
PORK. Another dimension? I thought my Trans-dimensional Transporter
was broken.
DUMBLY. I fix it, sir! All by myself! Me! Dumbly.
PORK. Perhaps youÕre not as dumb as I thought.
(Pork looks at DumblyÕs pants zipper. ItÕs unzipped. DumblyÕs shirt is
poking through his zipper.)
PORK. (To Dumbly.) Just stupid. Zip your lip, Dumbly! There are women
present.
DUMBLY. (Seeing his own zipper.) Ooops! Sorry sir!
(Dumbly drops blueprints, unintentionally. He makes to pick them up, but
then zips himself instead.)
(Pork stands. He leaves lab assistants. He picks up blueprints off floor.)
PORK. (Looking at blueprints.) Hmmm. These are plans for a robot!
DUMBLY. Yes sir! I stole them from BlacklyÕs lab!
PORK. Blackly? You mean, Professor Blackly?
DUMBLY. Yes sir, heÕs free again, and building a... a... (Dumbly looks at the
blueprints, and reads them as Pork holds them.) ...a Miracle Robot!
PORK. Mirabelle robot. ThatÕs what it says here.
DUMBLY. Perhaps we should call the police this time, sir.
PORK. No, no, Dumbly. No need to alarm our fellow citizens. I handled
Blackly before and I can handle him again. Look!
(Pork points to a complete set of Sherlock Holmes books, on a shelf.)
DUMBLY. Ah, yes. Sherlock Holmes, sir!
PORK. The complete works, Dumbly. You should read them sometime.
(Pork pauses, speculates.) No, we will not alarm the natives. My brilliant
mind welcomes a challenge like Blackly.
DUMBLY. But what we do, sir? It says here the Mira... what you call it...
the Mirror Robot is, like, you know, like the Terminator! Except no one
will know, since sheÕs a girl. So he... I mean... she... you know, the robot.
The robot will come to earth and she will kill people! And all the people,
they will not suspect. Because instead of being a big, bad guy, the robot is
just a girl! A beautiful girl!
PORK. Yes, Blackly is brilliant alright. But let me think.
(Pork thinks. His six lab assistants look on devotedly. Dumbly, seeing
Pork deep in thought, eventually walks over to nearest lab assistant. He
begins fondling her chest. She does not refuse him, but doesnÕt respond
either, still staring devotedly at Pork. Then she does notice Dumbly, but
only barely.)
DUMBLY. (Sheepishly.) Nice tits.
PORK. Dumbly!
DUMBLY. (Jumps away from lab assistant.) Yes sir!
PORK. I have the answer, Dumbly! I shall use BlacklyÕs own fondness for
females against him.
DUMBLY. What we do, sir?
PORK. We shall build a robot of our own, disguised as a girl! And then
weÕll send her to Blackly!
DUMBLY. Ah, brilliant sir! But how do we build a robot?
PORK. Why, weÕll use BlacklyÕs plans.
DUMBLY. Ah, yes! The ones I brung, sir!
PORK. Yes indeed! And when her missionÕs through, the robotÕs, that is...
IÕll have seven lab assistants!
DUMBLY. (Laughs, meekly, wringing his hands.) Very good, sir!
Scene 2
(During the work day, BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.))
(Mirabelle is lying on table, under the lights. Blackly stoops over her,
passing his hand lovingly over her breasts. Blackly does not quite touch
them-- as if she is of too great value to be fondled.)
BLACKLY. Ah, my beautiful Mirabelle. You are almost finished. Soon I
will give you life. And then I will send you to earth. And you will send me
humans, for my experiments. Lots of humans! (Blackly laughs, wickedly.)
Scene 3
(Daytime, Chun residence. (Any interior that looks residential.))
MR. CHUN. Number one son. What are you doing?
NO. 1 SON. (Using calculator.) Just checking my trigonometry equations,
father.
MR. CHUN. (Looks over boyÕs shoulder.) Yes. Very good. But you study too
much, son.
NO. 1 SON. (Startled.) Too much, father?
CHUN. Too much. As Confucius say, ŌScholar who study books only, but
learn not how to defend himself, is very stupid man when criminals come!Õ
NO 1 SON. Oh, father. DonÕt worry. IÕm sure if I have any problems, I can
just call the police.
CHUN. (Ignoring sonÕs protest, hands him a paper.) I enroll you in self
defense course, son. Apply yourself. You will learn quick.
NO. 1 SON. Oh, dad.
CHUN. (Forcing son to take paper.) Go now, son.
NO. 1 SON. Dad, I really donÕt want to.
CHUN. Go now, son! Obey your father.
NO. 1 SON. Dad, trig is more important than some dumb self-defense
course.
CHUN. Confucius say:
NO 1 SON. Enough of that old fart, dad.
CHUN. Confucius say, ŌIf son not obey, kick his ass!Õ Hiyah!
(Chun begins karate chopping his son.)
NO. 1 SON. Yikes! Ow! Ow! Ow! (Exit son, chased by Chun.)
Scene 4
(A new day. Beginning of work day. PorkÕs lab. (Green room.))
(Shot of labÕs interior. No one is seen in this main room of the lab, where
the lights and the table are. Do not show the table or the lights. Shoot
away from the table and lights, i.e., from the vantage point of someone
lying on the table, or thereabouts.)
(There is the sound of orgasmic, female, sexual moaning, which is coming
from a side room.)
(Note: Wendy, a robot, is lying on the table, under the lights. We do not
see Wendy and she is not alive yet.)
(Pork enters his lab, from outside.)
PORK. Well, another day of work! Yes indeed I love coming to work these
days. My Wendy robot is almost finished!
(Pork looks around main lab room. WomenÕs underwear and bras are
strewn about it.)
PORK. Has someone been porking my lab assistants? (Pork gets enraged.)
Professor PorkÕs lab assistants?
(Dumbly comes rushing from side room, into main lab room. Dumbly is
naked except for boxer shorts, black socks, and dress shoes. DumblyÕs hair
is all mussed.)
DUMBLY. Hello professor! Nice day! Time for work!
PORK. You look like you had a hard night, Dumbly.
DUMBLY. No, no, professor! Sleep like a baby!
(Pork walks toward side room. Pork peers into side room. We do not see
what is in there, but Pork suddenly yells.)
PORK. (Loudly.) My God!
(Dumbly rushes outdoors. Pork turns and runs after Dumbly. Pork shouts,
as he runs from the main room of the lab.)
PORK. Dumbly! You screwed all my lab assistants!!!
(Note: We do not see the lab assistants. They are all in the unseen side
room. What we do see, of course, is all their bras and panties strewn
about the main room of the lab, where Wendy lies inert, still an unfinished
robot. Wendy is unfinished in the sense that, although she may look
complete, she is not finished inside of herself. All her parts have not been
installed, internally.)
Scene 5
(Same day, different dimension. Morning. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room)).
(Blackly, sitting in a chair, watches a girl in a bikini walking back and
forth inside his lab.)
MIRABELLE. Is that enough, sir?
BLACKLY. (Smiling, very happy.) Not quite, Mirabelle. Not quite. Keep
practising your walking. Wiggle those hips!
MIRABELLE. (Wiggling.) Will this help me kill people, sir?
BLACKLY. Not kill them, Mirabelle. Transport them. IÕm giving you a
transporter gun. It will send the humans to me.
MIRABELLE. (Stops walking.) Oh, yes sir.
BLACKLY. (Points at Mirabelle.) Keep walking, Mirabelle! And stick out
your chest!
Scene 6
(Same day, morning. Karate room, planet earth. (Gym)).
(No. 1 Son is standing, oblivious to all around him, using a calculator.)
INSTRUCTOR. No. 1 Son!
NO. 1 SON. (Drops calculator. Suddenly frightened.) Eeeek!
INSTRUCTOR. (Kicks no 1. son.) Get busy, No. 1 son. You must learn to
defend yourself.
NO. 1 SON. Yes sir! Yes sir!
Scene 7
(Same day, PorkÕs lab. (Green room.))
(For the first time now we see the Wendy robot. She is a girl in a bikini.
She is sitting up on the table, under the lights. She is hugging an Eeyore
stuffed animal. We do not see any female lab assistants. Presumably they
are all at home, sleeping off their orgy with Dumbly. We also, at the
moment, do not see Dumbly.)
WENDY. Oh, Eeyore! I love you Eeyore!
PORK. (Frowning.) My robot has the mind of a child.
(Enter Dumbly, from the side room, holding a mop.)
DUMBLY. I finish cleaning the room, sir. All clean now!
PORK. Did you pick up all the womenÕs underwear, Dumbly?
DUMBLY. Yes sir. All picked up.
(Pork frowns, with a finger under his own chin. Pause. Takes finger away
from chin. Points finger at Dumbly.)
PORK. Dumbly, if I ever find you fucking my lab assistants again, IÕm
going to shove that mop up your ass, you understand?
(Dumbly touches his own behind, looking at Pork.)
DUMBLY. Yes sir! Up my ass sir!
(Dumbly looks uncertainly at mop he is holding.)
(Pork looks at Wendy again, but continues speaking to Dumbly.)
PORK. YouÕre just lucky you didnÕt fuck my robot, thatÕs all I can say.
(Then, to Wendy.) Good God, girl! CanÕt you put down that stuffed animal?
(Wendy is smiling, hugging Eeyore, and oblivious to Pork.)
WENDY. (Loudly.) Eeeeyore!
PORK. She has the mind of a child.
DUMBLY. Why she wearing a bikini, sir?
PORK. Because that will cause Blackly to see all her charms!
DUMBLY. Ah, yes sir!
PORK. Is the Trans-dimensional Transporter ready, Dumbly?
DUMBLY. I donÕt know. I go check, sir! (Exit Dumbly.)
PORK. Now Wendy. Wendy! (Wendy does not notice him.) Goddamit girl
put down that animal and listen to me!
WENDY. (Loudly.) Eeyore!
PORK. The mind of a child! I hope Blackly is having as much trouble as I
am!
Scene 8
(Same day, morning. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room)).
(Mirabelle is pointing a gun at a chair.)
BLACKLY. Now point the gun, Mirabelle. Point it at that chair.
(Mirabelle adjusts her aim. Then, she fires. Chair disappears.)
(Note: There is no need for anything to come out of the gun, since it
simply makes things disappear. The sight of Mirabelle jerking the gun,
imitating a gunÕs recoil, is sufficient.)
(Note: Stop the camera and have the actors hold their places while the
chair is removed from the set. Then, resume rolling the camera.)
MIRABELLE. (Surprised.) Oh! WhereÕd it go?
BLACKLY. To earth, Mirabelle. And when I send you to earth, and you use
the gun there, people will be transported here.
(Mirabelle looks around.)
MIRABELLE. YouÕre short of chairs, sir?
BLACKLY. No, Mirabelle, people. YouÕll point this gun at people on earth,
not chairs.
MIRABELLE. Oh, yes sir. People like you.
(Mirabelle points gun at Blackly.)
BLACKLY. No, no! Mirabelle! People, yes! But not me! I donÕt want to go
to earth!
MIRABELLE. Oh, yes sir.
(Mirabelle lowers gun.)
BLACKLY. Professor Pork lives on earth. He is a very brilliant professor.
He is the only man who can take me on. Find him if you can. But his lab is
hidden, to protect himself. From me! Meanwhile, while you are trying to
find him, send me humans! By shooting them with your gun!
MIRABELLE. Yes sir!
BLACKLY. Stick out your chest, Mirabelle.
MIRABELLE. Yes sir!
(Blackly stares at Mirabelle for a very long moment.)
BLACKLY. (Recovering.) Yes. Where were we, Mirabelle?
MIRABELLE. (With her chest still sticking out.) Sticking my chest out,
sir!
BLACKLY. I mean, before that!
MIRABELLE. Shooting humans, sir!
BLACKLY. Yes! I must send you to earth now, Mirabelle.
(Mirabelle turns, still sticking out her chest. She walks with her chest
sticking out.)
MIRABELLE. Yes sir!
Scene 9
(Same day, morning, PorkÕs lab. (Green room)).
(We see Wendy and Pork.)
PORK. (To Wendy.) ThatÕs it. Point the gun at Eeyore.
WENDY. It will make Eeyore real? Then I can marry him?
PORK. Yes, Wendy.
(Wendy shoots the gun.)
WENDY. (Surprised.) Eeyore disappear!
PORK. (Faking amazement.) Good God! Wendy, Eeyore has gone to another
dimension!
WENDY. (Crying.) Wahhhh!
(Enter Dumbly.)
DUMBLY. Machine is not working, sir.
PORK. What do you mean?! Not working?
DUMBLY. (Sheepishly.) I porked one of the lab assistants in it last night,
sir!
PORK. (To Dumbly.) God dammit! (Wendy points gun at Pork. Pork turns
his head to Wendy.) No! No! Wendy! Put down that gun!
(Pork rushes Wendy. He manages to grab the gun.)
Scene 10
(Same day, morning, BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.))
(Blackly, with an incredulous look on his face, is staring at an Eeyore
stuffed animal. We do not see Mirabelle, because she has been previously
transported to earth.)
BLACKLY. (Staring at Eeyore.) What did that stupid Mirabelle do?! SheÕs
sending me stuffed animals?!
ACT II
Scene 11
(Same day, morning, outdoors. (Outside Green room door.))
(Note: a sign on the outer building wall, next to PorkÕs door, reads:
ŅWomenÕs Rally 10 a.m.Ó)
(A scream is heard.)
(Note: The scream is the sound of someone being shot by Mirabelle.)
(Dumbly wonders what caused the scream. Our first sight of him in this
scene is as he is peeking, wonderingly, out the door of PorkÕs lab.)
(Dumbly sees the Mirabelle Robot. Dumbly sees a fat woman walking
toward Mirabelle. The fat woman is carrying two sacks of groceries in her
arms, pressed to her chest. The fat woman can barely see over the top of
her grocery bags, which are loaded with food. Mirabelle points her gun at
the fat woman. Mirabelle shoots the fat woman. The fat woman
disappears, along with her groceries. Mirabelle laughs.)
MIRABELLE. Ha! Ha! Ha! This is the easiest job IÕve ever had! (Pauses.)
ItÕs the only job IÕve ever had. Oh, well. ItÕs fun! Just point and pull!
Hmmm. I wonder where I can find some more humans?
(Dumbly is still peeking out of the door. He hears Mirabelle and slips his
head back inside.)
DUMBLY. (To Pork.) Sir! Sir!
(Pork is kissing Wendy.)
PORK. (Surprised.) Huh?!
DUMBLY. Sir, Mirabelle robot is here! I saw her! I recognize her from the
plans! (Dumbly points to BlacklyÕs stolen blueprints.) And sheÕs dressed
just like our robot is!
PORK. In a bikini?!
DUMBLY. Yes sir!
PORK. Hmmm. BlacklyÕs even smarter than I thought. Perhaps heÕs hoping
IÕll see her, and hire her as my lab assistant. (Pause.) Does she look nice,
Dumbly?
DUMBLY. Yes sir. She has big tits!
PORK. Really? Let me see!
DUMBLY. (Grabs Pork.) No! No! She has a gun, sir!
PORK. A gun? (Sees Wendy pointing her gun, also.) Oh, shit! DonÕt point
that thing at me, girl!
WENDY. I want Eeyore!
(Pork rushes Wendy, grasps gun just in time.)
Scene 12
(Same day, morning, outdoors. (Around Cosumnes.))
(Outside, Mirabelle comes upon more people, one at a time, and shoots
them. All men, as it happens. Each person disappears. Then Mirabelle
comes upon No. 1 Son, fresh from his karate class. He is practising his
newly learned karate chops when he sees Mirabelle. At first he smiles,
but then she points her gun at him. He frowns. Then he approaches her,
boldly, displaying his newly learned talent. Then he pauses. He peers
more closely at the gun. Mirabelle grins throughout.)
Scene 13
(Same day, morning, outdoors. (Around Cosumnes.))
GEORGE. Hello, Mr. Chun. How is your number one son?
CHUN. He doing very well. He learning self defense!
(Enter No. 1 Son, running. He runs across set. He is panicked.)
NO. 1 SON. (Loudly.) Eeeeeeeeek!
GEORGE. Self defense, eh?
CHUN. My son is an idiot.
(Chun turns. Chun sees Mirabelle. Chun sees MirabelleÕs gun too, and Chun
immediately assumes a karate pose. Despite ChunÕs enormous fatness, he
displays considerable karate agility, with a great deal of relish and
bravado.)
(Mirabelle, grinning, pulls the trigger of her gun. Chun disappears. Then
she shoots George, who disappears too.)
Scene 14
(Same day, morning, BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.))
(We see Blackly. A moment later we see Blackly, along with Chun! Chun
looks stunned.)
BLACKLY. Ah, a specimen! (Blackly takes out a wand. Blackly sticks
wand into ChunÕs ribs. Chun, suddenly unconscious, falls to the floor.)
(George appears in BlacklyÕs lab.)
BLACKLY. Another specimen!
(Blackly stabs George, who falls to the floor.)
Scene 15
(Same day, morning, outdoors. Corner of building. (Around Cosumnes.))
(Pork peers around corner of building, with Wendy. Both watch as
Mirabelle shoots several people. Pork points.)
PORK. See, my dear Wendy? That is the person responsible for your
missing Eeyore. If you want Eeyore back, you must shoot her.
WENDY. (Puzzled to the point of being dazed.) Really?
PORK. Yes, my dear. Go forth! Do battle with that wicked girl who stole
your Eeyore.
(Wendy advances toward Mirabelle. Pork watches from behind the
building.)
WENDY. (Loudly.) Eeeyore!
(New angle. Corner of building. Pork is peering out. DumblyÕs entire body
is visible. Pork and Dumbly watch.)
PORK. Well, sheÕs on her way.
DUMBLY. (Wringing his own hands.) Yes, sir!
PORK. LetÕs just hope she sends Mirabelle back to Blackly!
DUMBLY. (Points.) Look sir! I think sheÕs got her!
(Wendy shoots Mirabelle. But whipped cream appears on Mirabelle, and
Mirabelle only rocks backward, as if stunned.)
(In retaliation, Mirabelle shoots Wendy. Whipped cream appears on Wendy.)
DUMBLY. They have shot each other, sir! But neither one has disappeared!
PORK. Dammit! (Pork calls out.) Shoot her again, Wendy my child!
(Wendy turns to hear Pork, gets shot by Mirabelle. More whipped cream
appears on Wendy.)
MIRABELLE. (To Wendy.) Begone, pest!
WENDY. (To Mirabelle.) Oooh! You have my Eeyore!
MIRABELLE. I donÕt know what youÕre talking about! Scat!
WENDY. Eeyore!
(The gun battle between the girls continues. Increasing amounts of
whipped cream appear on their bodies. Each time a girl is ŌshotÕ, she
staggers back. Nonetheless the battle continues.)
Scene 16
(Same day, morning, outdoors. (Around Cosumnes.))
(A crowd of women stands around a soapbox. Standing on the soapbox is
Feminist. She is speaking. The crowd is listening to her with rapt
attention.)
FEMINIST. For thousands of years we women have been oppressed by men!
Oppressed, I tell you! Why, take the movies, for instance! TheyÕre all
sexist! All the men are intelligent and all the girls are... are BIMBOS!
(Crowd of women cheer.)
WOMAN 1. (In crowd.) We should get rid of all the men!
WOMEN 2, 3, ETC. Yes! Yes!
FEMINIST. I agree. ItÕs the only answer! IÕm tired of just passing lots of
laws. Laws are made to be broken, especially by men. What we need is for
men to just disappear!
WOMEN 2, 3, ETC. Hear! Hear!
(Enter Wendy and Mirabelle. They are slugging it out, with their guns, but
doing little more than coating each other with whipped cream.)
FEMINIST. (Turns.) Look! Two beautiful amazons!
WOMAN 1. TheyÕre fighting.
FEMINIST. (To Wendy and Mirabelle.) Ho! You there! Young ladies! Stop
fighting!
WOMAN 1. ItÕs men you should be fighting!
WOMEN 2, 3, ETC. WomenÕs Liberation!
Scene 17
(A week later. During the workday, PorkÕs lab. (Green room.))
(Pork is surrounded by admiring lab assistants. Dumbly is nearby, mopping
the floor.)
PORK: Well, Dumbly, I have no idea where that Wendy robot went, but
perhaps itÕs for the best. God knows, the last thing I need on my hands is
some stupid robot who keeps pointing a gun at me!
DUMBLY. Yes sir! But what about Blackly?
PORK. I donÕt know. I donÕt know. I guess that Mirabelle robot is still at
large. Funny, though. A whole weekÕs gone by and the news hasnÕt
reported on any more people disappearing. (Smiles.) Well, I got rid of her
too. I donÕt know how, but IÕve defeated Blackly again.
DUMBLY. Yes. You very smart sir. (Goes back to mopping.)
PORK. Say, Dumbly. Have you fixed the Trans-dimensional Transporter
yet?
DUMBLY. Yes sir. Except it no good for transporting anymore.
PORK. What do you mean? itÕs a transporter!
DUMBLY. Not any more, sir. You see, our toaster broke. And I needed my
breakfast. So I turned our transporter into a toaster.
(Pork leaps up, rushes at Dumbly.)
PORK. (Loudly.) Dumbly!
(Dumbly drops mop. Runs out door. Pork runs after him.)
(Shot of empty lab, with only admiring lab assistants inside, staring after
the door.)
(Suddenly, Pork runs back inside, followed by Dumbly. Both look extremely
worried.)
PORK and DUMBLY. (Loudly.) Ohhhhhhhhh!
(Enter Wendy and Mirabelle. They are no longer covered in whipped cream,
and they are no longer fighting. They still wear bikinis, however. Their
guns are pointed at Pork and Dumbly.)
MIRABELLE. Down with men!
WENDY. Down with men! Up with Eeyore!
(Mirabelle gives Wendy an odd look, but says nothing.)
PORK. (Looks at Dumbly.) What in GodÕs name happened to our robot?
(Looks at Wendy.) Put down that gun, sweet child!
MIRABELLE. Down with men!
WENDY. Down with men! Up with Eeyore!
(Mirabelle gives Wendy another odd look.)
MIRABELLE. (Looks at Pork and Dumbly.) Say goodbye, men! Now earth is
only for us women!
WENDY. Yes! Up with Eeyore!
MIRABELLE. Fire!
WENDY. Fire! Up with Eeyore!
Scene 18
(Some days later. Outdoors, late afternoon. (Around Cosumnes.))
(The scene is desolate. No one is seen except a lone male. It is No. 1 Son.)
NO. 1 SON. (Wandering, confused. Clothes hopelessly rumpled.) Dad?
Dad?
(No. 1 Son stops. Scratches his head.)
NO. 1 SON. (Anguished.) Good God! What day is it? What month? IÕve
been walking... and walking... and all I ever see is women! Where are all
the men?
(Enter Wendy and Mirabelle.)
MIRABELLE. Down with men!
WENDY. Up with Eeyore!
(They fire. Number 1 Son disappears.)
(Mirabelle and Wendy shake hands.)
MIRABELLE. That was the last of them! The last of the men!
WENDY. Yes! Up with Eeyore!
(Enter Feminist. Her arms are loaded with Eeyores.)
FEMINIST. Oh, girls!
(Mirabelle and Wendy turn. They see Feminist. They see her armload of
Eeyores. They toss away their guns. They run to Feminist. Both girls
shout.)
MIRANDA and WENDY. (Loudly.) Eeeyore!
Scene 19
(Same day. Late afternoon. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.))
(BlacklyÕs lab is full of men. Men, men, and more men. There is one fat
woman also, and she has an enormous grin on her face. But the men are not
happy.)
BLACKLY. I should have listened to my mother. Crime doesnÕt pay!
NO. 1 SON. (Worried.) Father, I donÕt have my calculator.
CHUN. Be quiet, son!
DUMBLY. Well, Professor Pork, this is a nice lab. But thereÕs no lab
assistants!
PORK. Dammit! I can see that, Dumbly!
DUMBLY. (Smiling.) Lots of nice guys, though.
PORK. (Rolls his eyes. Looks at Blackly.) YouÕre responsible for this!
BLACKLY. Me?!
PORK. Well, somebodyÕs responsible! I think every man on earth is here,
and thereÕs only ONE woman.
BLACKLY. I have some old Playboys.
(Men pause a moment, then begin fighting over the Playboys. All the men
fight over the Playboys, like desperate drunks fighting over a bottle.)
Scene 20
(Same day. Late afternoon. PorkÕs lab. (Green room.))
(All we see are women. Mirabelle is holding an Eeyore, but not hugging it.
Mirabelle is engaged in a conversation with Feminist.)
(Wendy is happily hugging an Eeyore. Wendy is oblivious to the entire
conversation in this scene.)
FEMINIST. (Listening to Mirabelle.) Well, well, well! So you say your
professor, what was his name again?
MIRABELLE. (Hugging Eeyore.) Blackly.
FEMINIST. Blackly, eh? So you say he has a lot of Playboys, eh? Well it
serves those men right. ThatÕs all they ever cared about anyway. WomenÕs
bodies. Not our minds. No, no. Well, I hope they enjoy themselves.
TheyÕve got the rest of their lives to stare at Playboy now, and we women
can enjoy intelligent conversations, without male oppression.
Scene 21
(Same day. Late afternoon. BlacklyÕs lab. (Green room.))
(We see a lot of airborne confetti, plus larger shards of paper flying about.
The men are still all fighting over the Playboys. The Playboys are now
becoming completely torn apart.)
BLACKLY. (To men.) No! No! Stop fighting over them! Be nice! DonÕt!
Stop! YouÕll rip my Playboys!
(As Blackly protests, the Playboys are visibly ripped to shreds.)
(Abruptly the screen goes black, and the credits roll!)
END OF THE FILM
PROPERTY LIST
Five or six Eeyore stuffed animals (Feminist)
Eeyore stuffed animal (Wendy)
Eeyore stuffed animal (Mirabelle)
Pistol (Wendy)
Pistol (Mirabelle)
An abundance of whipped cream (Wendy)
An abundance of whipped cream (Mirabelle)
Bikini (Wendy)
Bikini (Mirabelle)
White lab coat (Pork)
Black Dracula-type cloak (Blackly)
Wand (Blackly)
A mop (Dumbly)
Black socks (Dumbly)
Dress shoes (Dumbly)
Boxer shorts (Dumbly)
A sign reading: ŅWomenÕs Rally 10 a.m.Ó (Outside, on building wall)
A box (A Ņsoap box,Ó on which someone stands) (Feminist)
A large, complex calculator (No. 1 Son)
Immaculately pressed, businesslike student clothes (No. 1 Son)
Rumpled, dirty (formerly) businesslike student clothes (No. 1 Son)
A stack of Playboy magazines (Blackly)
A stack of nearly-shredded Playboy magazines (BlacklyÕs lab)
A pile of blueprints (Dumbly, then Pork)
A complete set of Sherlock Holmes books (PorkÕs lab)
A bookshelf, shelf, or table (for Sherlock Holmes books) (PorkÕs lab)
Two metal holders, to hold the Sherlock Holmes books in place on the shelf
(PorkÕs lab)
Tools and lab equipment (PorkÕs lab)
Tools and lab equipment (BlacklyÕs lab)
30
----------------------- Dreamgirls! -----------------------
-- More stories at: http://groups.google.com/ Search by typing:
roller666@earthlink.net Click on ŅPower SearchÓ
Change ŅstandardÓ archive to ŅcompleteÓ archive.
-- Other providers:
IFLC: http://assm.asstr.org and http://asstr.org
AnyaÕs LilÕ Hideaway: http://www.insatiable.net/
Silver: http://www.mr-yellow.com/goodies
The Backdrop Club: http://www.backdrop.com
Usenet Newsgroup: alt.sex.stories.moderated
-- Great art books by David Hamilton and Jock Sturges are at:
http://www.amazon.com http://bn.com (photos of naked little girls)
-- Naked little girls/politics: http://www.AlessandraSmile.com
Man/boy love: http://www.nambla.de Politics: http://www.lp.org
http://www.isil.org http://www.fear.org http://www.fija.org
http://www.aclu.org
-- Naughty Naked Dreamgirls (Library of Congress ISSN: 1070-1427)
is copyright 2001 by Andrew Roller. Dreamgirls, Naughty Naked
Dreamgirls, and NND are registered trademarks of Andrew Roller.
All rights reserved.
-- Visit me at: http://home.earthlink.net/~roller666/index.html
Or at /~Roller/index.html
(It is case sensitive, i.e. type Roller, not roller).