Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained, Part 19

   Friday, the 6th of May

   Though I had spent the night spooning Moira, only half a sleep, Friday
morning, after I left her in front of a pack of Big Blackies, as she called
them, and a mug of strong coffee, I fell in the same old depression all
over again.  I had repeated the pattern of feeling immensely sorry for
hurting her, regardless of her faults, then getting aroused by her
incessant smoking and finally having reconciliation sex and more and then
even more sex, till I was too drained to think straight.  And, Moira was
perceptive enough to know how to use her lust for smoking into an
instrument to fire up my passion.  She sure knew where my hidden buttons
were.  Worse even, I had given away more of my secrets.  Bit then what did
it mean?  Only that I was so addicted to her, smoking or not, that only
something drastic could help, if help was possible.

   All day I found it difficult to concentrate.  More than once I started
dialing Janice's or Karl's cell phone, only to hang up right away.  On top
if it, I had absolutely no idea how to bring Moira into this.

   A quite exuberant Moira, cigar between her fingers, fell round my neck
when I opened the door that night.

   "I missed you so much, Honey.  It's so good we have the whole weekend in
front of us." She babbled away.

   I kissed her slightly, avoiding a real tongue tango, though obviously
she was quite inclined.

   "Please Tweety, I'm totally crushed and dizzy with hunger.  I had to
skip lunch because of some dumb customer who confused me with the crisis
line.  And you know how it is, if the customer demands, you must promise
anything, even to fire yourself, just to keep him happy.  I mean, I'd never
fire a guy because of one single complaint, but I had to put on an act over
the phone.  Part of my new job is to soothe customers.  I need something to
eat or I'll faint right here." I said, and though I hadn't lied, there was
another and much stronger reason to avoid getting too hot about Moira.  I
needed all my resources for the discussion to follow.

   I sat in the kitchen, munching away on some peanut butter and ham
sandwich, not really tasting any of it.  Moira, though I had often insisted
over the past weeks I didn't mind, had left me alone, so the smoke wouldn't
bother me.  For once, I was glad to be alone.  Finally, having killed the
worst pangs of hunger, I joined Moira on the couch.  It made no sense to
delay it any further.

   "Moira love?" I started haltingly, earning an inquisitive look upon the
unusual address.  "I want to discuss something with you."

   She nodded, feeling my tension.

   "I may have found a way to do something about this rollercoaster ride.
You know I just can't be cross on you or even keep my hands off you when
we're together, but as soon as I'm alone, I can't stop these gloomy
thoughts pouring into my mind.  Well, you said you wish there was a way to
make it up to me or get some punishment.  Well, it maybe the most idiotic
thing to do and it will almost certainly backfire, but I, err,... Jeez I
don't know how to say it."

   Moira sat there, quite nervous now and lit another cigar to drag hard on
it.  I almost got distracted by the huge cones of dense smoke she blew, but
I had to pull this through or else I would go mad, so I pulled what was
left of my sense together and went on.

   "Well, it's like this.  There is one thing that above all drives me
crazy and even keeps popping up in my dreams.  I keep imagining you with
some other guy's dick inside you.  I mean I only saw a bitit of this on the
black Friday night, but now I'm obsessed by the wish to see it all, to
watch how you do it.  Please don't get confused, this is not about
voyeurism, at least not primarily.  I think, err, what I would really want
to do just once, is maybe a, err, swing.  Good, I really said that."

   I could hear her cringe and she had to cough, as she had inhaled too
much of the smoke.  Without a word, I took the cigar from her fingers and
had a pull on it.  This steadied my nerves a bit though it also made me
shiver.

   Moira sat there, her face frozen.  Only when she pulled on her cigar,
her cheeks would collapse a bit.  She dangled the cigar between her lips
for a while, exhaling through her nose.  As much as this sight could have
turned me on, right now I braced myself for the worst.  Suddenly, she
cringed again.  Cigar still between her lips, she sighed heavily and turned
her head towards me.

   "You may kiss your mistress now." She mumbled.

   I was baffled, but I complied and with the heat of her cigar burning my
cheek, I gave her a peck on the free corner of her mouth.  Wit her right
hand behind my head, she held me there, removed the cigar and opened her
lips to receive my tongue and blow smoke in my mouth which I greedily
sucked in.

   "OK, I'll do it, but I won't agree to just anything." She said sternly,
after I reluctantly had to let her lips go.  "What's on your mind?"

   My brain felt as if it would drift away in the wind.  The worst hadn't
happened, but then she was yet to hear what might still blow it all up.

   "Well, I met Janice by chance yesterday and that gave me an idea." I
said and seeing her look, I add: "No, dummy, of course nothing untoward, I
was just having lunch outside the mall, when she popped up out of nowhere.
We just talked for a few minutes, but that gave me the idea.  I want to
invite Karl and Janice over next Saturday to have a, err, private party."

   "And you want to watch me screwing Karl?"

   She was mad at me now, I could see it clearly in her eyes.

   "You can still say no, but the thing is this.  Jeez, this isn't easy.  I
told you what Janice did to me.  Well, I have to close an open bill.  I
want to really fuck her brains out.  There.  I said it.  I mean, you did it
with Karl anyway, so one more time wouldn't be such a big deal, would it?"

   Slowly, she seemed to regain her composure.  She nodded, still a bit
unsure and asked:

   "But aren't you anticipating?  Makes four to make foursome, I've been
told."

   At least she was considering it, I said to myself.

   "Well, that's the whole point.  Have a look at this:" I replied, taking
out the card from Janice.

   "Whoah!" Moira exclaimed and started to laugh.  "Fucking bastard."

   Which sent us reeling with laughter, though it was more of a nervous
laughter, but it eased the tension.

   "Umm, so what you're saying is, you want fuck Janice while watching me
getting humped by Karl?  All right, I'll play ball.  If Janice really plays
along, I'll do it.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes, let's go for
it."

   I felt all the tension crumble.

   "But I hope you don't expect me to do this for the rest of my live. 
Whatever you may think of me, I'm not that kind of person, I'm not a
whore!" she said, very serious now.

   I took her in my arms and stroked her back.  She stiffened at first, but
then she relaxed and we kissed feverishly once more.  We ended up taking
turns on the rest of her cigar.

   "Look, I don't think I could cope with the kind o marriage Janice and
Karl are having." I said.  "I'm a selfish bastard.  I don't actually want
to share you with anybody and neither do I want to give my goodies to
someone else.  BUT, I just feel I need to purge this out of my mind and
body.  God help me, I wish there was another way.  And you, you keep saying
you wish I wasn't such a saint.  Well, this way maybe you won't feel so
guilty any more.  We'll be sort of quits."

   Well, we sealed our understanding in the bedroom.  It was such a hot
raving stunt, it left us both nearly unconscious.  After a while I lit a
cigar for Moira and we took turns, though she got most of it.  I was still
far from being able to cope with the full length of a cigar.

   Later I phoned up Janice, inviting her over for a "party".  I heard her
yell for Karl and then she returned to the phone.  I heard the sound change
as Janice switched to speaker mode and then Karl greeted me with a cautious
"hi George".  I repeated the invitation and Karl agreed, saying they hadn't
any plans for next weekend, so they would drop by around seven.

   "Well, I'm seeing forward to have you guys here next Saturday.  Nothing
formal, but we might spice it up if you're in the mood, if you know what I
mean.  It'll be just the four of us." I said, ending the conversation.

   Sunday, the 8th of June

   We spent Sunday in bed mostly and while I exercised my skills as a lover
I also practiced smoking.  I was determined to give Janice something to
remember and I also wanted to be able to smoke along with them all.  I sure
wanted to pose as a better macho than Karl.

   Monday, the 9th of June to Wednesday 11th

   The next two days went by in fast-forward mode.  In an effort to keep up
with my job, I set my alarm-clock to go off half an hour earlier than my
usual time of seven.  Moira still slept or at least went back to sleep so I
didn't serve her "breakfast" in bed, her coffee and already lit cigar, as I
had before.  At night, I always returned late, having a lot of late
meetings, one of the "privileges" of belonging to the management.  Moira
was sweet to me, though in a somehow subdued way.  I unwound from work by
sharing a cigar with her and we made love each night.  Still, it felt a bit
strange, as neither of us dared to address the upcoming encounter with
Janice and Karl.

   Wednesday, the 11th of June, evening

   It was Wednesday and girl's night again.  I hardened myself against what
may happen.  It was quite obvious that Moira, though having agreed to my
plan, wasn't very happy about the upcoming party.  I couldn't blame her for
it.  Though I in a way I felt much better than before, the ups and downs of
the previous weeks having almost stopped, some inner pressure was always
there, as if my bottled up sorrows and worries would push against the
barrier between my conscience and my subconscious.  Hopefully next Saturday
I would pull the plug on that once and for all, one way or another.

   I had hardly finished a frugal dinner and was considering to light up a
cigar all on my own, when to my utter surprise Moira came in.

   "Hey, I thought you were out with the girls?  I was half expecting
someone to phone me up and tell me to pick up a totally wasted woman from a
bar.  What's wrong?" I asked

   "Oh, nothing.  I just didn't feel like boozing, so I only had a coke and
a smoke and excused myself.  It was just as well, as Clarissa from
accounting said she wouldn't mind to have a try at the cigar-guy I told you
about.  So I though I'd better clear the field and give her a chance." she
replied evenly.

   "Hey, that's very considerate of you.  Come over here and give us a
hug." I said.

   Moira went for it the whole length.  She clang to me as if I was her
life-guard and covered my neck and cheek with little kisses.  I could sense
clearly something was going on in her mind, but then maybe something nasty
had happened at the bar and she was just a bit frightened or repelled.  I
didn't press the subject, as I knew that if she felt like it she would tell
me sooner or later.

   We shared a cigar and then made love gently and with more tenderness
than passion.  I could feel a faint desperation in the way Moira talked and
acted, but then I said to myself she might just be scared about what lay
ahead.  I too had doubts, but I never considered calling the whole thing
off.  Ever since Moira had agreed to it, I had felt my inner balance slowly
getting back.  I just knew it had to be.

   I never dreamt of attributing Moira's strange mood to something else.