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 Horse's Widow

   I couldn't say that I had been particularly sad when I heard the news.
After all I had hardly known the guy.  True, we had spent some weeks in the
same cabin in a summer camp, but that had been a while ago and we hadn't
been friends really, not close ones anyway.  He had treated me with a
well-hidden condescendence.  After all he was the successful sportsman with
excellent grades and heaps of money too, while I was in no way remarkable.
And now he was dead.

   After that summer I had only seen him from a distance a couple of times
on the campus with his girlfriend.  We called them the dream team.  Both
aces on the field, he of course in the football team, she with the volley
team, both good looking and successful with their studies too.  And last
but not least, from well to do families with the connections that go with
old money.  I don't think I had ever seen them hug or kiss, but they sure
acted like an old couple, sure of each other and with no doubts about their
common future.

   Then one day, it was my second year in college, the news broke that Dan
or Horse, as that was what everybody called him, had died in a car crash.
His girlfriend, Micky, had been driving.  She was in the hospital in a
severe condition with several fractures.  The car had been hers, a birthday
gift from her parents.

   Everybody was of course shocked and hundreds of people attended the
funeral.  After a while however things returned to normal.  Rumors had it
that Micky wasn't doing very well, but it was none of my concern so I all
but forgot the whole affair till the next year, when one day I saw Micky in
the hallway.  She had changed dramatically.  Before the accident she was a
beautiful girl with a spring in her walk, always smiling and friendly to
everybody.  She had dressed elegantly, with short skirts that exposed her
wonderful calves and she was always well groomed.  Now I hardly recognized
her.  Haggard, with dark shadows under her sad eyes, her hair hanging dull
around her face, crumpled jeans and worn out sneakers instead of the
expensive shoes she used to wear, she stood in one corner, like hiding from
us.  I was surprised even to see her there.  Inquiries at some guys from my
class revealed that while she seemed to still want to go for a degree, she
had almost lost interest in everything.  She didn't play volley any more, a
consequence of her injuries, and her grades were now below average.

   I felt sorry for her.  She had lost her boyfriend in an accident she had
caused.  I wondered where she found the power to go on.  I could tell from
the way she looked that she went thru hell.  I saw her on and off but we
didn't know each other, so apart from a brief look, nothing happened.  She
had been a very attractive girl with her dark hair, her olive complexion
and beautiful dark eyes, yet before the accident she had been out of my
league and somebody else's girlfriend.  Now, even if I had tried, she
certainly wasn't keen on starting a new relationship, the more so with a
slob like me.  I would have loved to comfort her, to help her find new joy
in life, but I saw no way to come close to her.

   When my last year started I had all but dismissed her from my mind.  To
my surprise, when again I saw her on the campus, she looked much better. 
Not that she had regained her old attitude, but she stood there surrounded
by a couple of guys and looked almost normal.  She still wore jeans, but
quite fashionable ones, a flashy blouse to go with it and her hair was
shiny.  She had made up and while the shadows under her eyes were still
there, the sadness in her eyes had almost gone.  One thing shocked me,
however.  The guys she talked to all smoked and so did she.  Before, she
had been a militant anti-smoker just like her boyfriend.  Now I saw her
drag hard on her cigarette, proof she smoked in earnest.  Well, I said to
myself, if it helps her get over it, who was I to judge her?  At least it
looked like she had regained interest in life and it was better for her to
talk to any guy than her former isolation.

   I felt a deep pang of regret that I hadn't tried to become friendly with
her.  Maybe, if I had the courage...  Now she had new friends and I had no
hopes to get near her.  I knew the guys I saw her with by sight and
reputation.  They were the exact opposite of what Horse, her late
boyfriend, had been.  They were in college to have fun.  No sports, no
interest in studies, just parties, cigarettes and liquor and last but not
least, girls.  From what I knew, none of the gang was interested in a
serious relationship.  All they searched for and found easily enough was
the quick bang, often, as I had heard, other kinky stuff too.  Yet the
girls, or at least a certain kind of girls, fell for them and now Micky
too. Too bad!  I may have been frustrated, but once a girl had been on
their hands, there was nothing I could offer her, or so I thought.  I was
still single and almost virgin.  Not that I hadn't dreamt of gaining some
experience on some of their parties.  I often thought how good it would be
to spend a night with a girl who would teach me some of the tricks.  But I
was way too shy and nerdish to qualify.  I didn't even smoke although I
wasn't against smoking.  In fact watching a girl smoke did a lot to me and
while I had never even dared to try and get friendly with a smoker, I sure
had my yearnings.

   More often now I would see her hang out with those guys and not only did
she smoke most of the time, she also shared with them the odd six-pack of
beer they had handy most of the time.  It saddened me.  What a bright and
neat girl she had once been.  I wondered what her parents would think, if
they knew.

   One night, I was as depressive as I could be, my roommates being out
with their girlfriends, I decided to go to the local watering hole.  It was
a place a few miles off, no more than a shack turned into a
pool-bar-restaurant, with no style and horrible food, but the prices for
beer were reasonable and it was fairly big.  I had been there only once or
twice as a freshman, but as I found it quite boring to talk about baseball
or football all night, I had given up the idea.  Hanging out with guys
wasn't exactly my kind of thing.  I preferred to read a good book or just
walk around town by night, alone mostly, as I hardly ever made it past the
second date on the rare occasions I could talk a girl into a date at all.
Seems I just had no "style", whatever that meant.

   I jumped into my rusty old Rabbit and started the engine.  The tiny
four-cylinder came to life at the first turn of the key.  I couldn't help
but admire the German engineers that had built such a rugged engine.  Even
after more than a hundred thousand miles it still ran smoothly.  It had
been my mom's car and now I had sort of inherited it from her.  I had no
idea what exactly I wanted there, maybe my subconscious had driven me, as I
knew it was the most probable place for Micky to hang out with the gang.

   From the bar I had a good view over most of the tables.  I sipped slowly
on my beer, letting my eyes wonder around the place.  Most of the tables
were deserted and at the bar there was only one other guy who never looked
anyway except into his drink.  Sure enough Micky was there with four of her
suitors.  They all had bottles of beer and cigarettes in their hands. 
There was another girl I didn't know with them.

   Seeing Micky getting drunk with those guys didn't brighten mood in the
least.  What a waste!  I was on my second and last beer when suddenly the
tone of their loud conversation changed.  It sure looked like a fight was
about to start between them.  Out of a sudden Micky cried something in a
shrill voice I couldn't understand and ran out.  The other started laughing
and then calmed down.  On an impulse I threw a couple of bills on the
counter and followed Micky outside.

   She stood there propped against the single lamppost that thrived in vain
to shed some light over the parking lot.  Her face was in the shadow, but I
could see her shoulder tremble like she was crying.  My feet took me to her
like on their own.

   'Hi, need a lift?' I asked her, surprised by my own boldness.

   She looked up and shook her head.  I turned around and groped for the
keys in the pocket of my jeans.  No use to hang around any more, I told
myself, but then I heard her voice behind my back.

   'Hey, you're Martin, aren't you?'

   I turned again to face her.

   'Yeah, Martin, that's me all right.'

   'If your offer still stands, I wouldn't mind riding with you into town.'
She said with an even, uninterested voice, like she didn't really care.

   'Come on then.  That's my limo, the old Rabbit there.  Hope it's not too
decrepit for you.'

   She shrugged for an answer.  I opened the door for her and she fell into
the seat.  Her moves were a bit unsteady as she seemingly was more than a
bit tipsy.

   'Mind if I smoke?' she asked with her dark husky voice, slightly slurred
from the alcohol she had consumed.

   'No, go ahead, but please throw the ashes out the window.  My mother has
removed the ashtray long ago.'

   'Is this your mother's car?'

   'Used to.  Now she gave it to me.'

   She took out a pack of Benson & Hedges and lit one.

   'Sorry, I forgot my manners.  Shall I light one for you too?' she asked,
a bit more vivid now.

   'No thanks, I don't smoke.' I replied even thou whenever a girl offered
me a cigarette, I sure was tempted.

   'Smart guy.  There was I time I didn't smoke either.'

   Her voice trailed off.  Obviously she had thought of the times before
the accident.  She dragged furiously on her cigarette and I couldn't help
but to get aroused.  As depraved as she had become, she still looked
extremely good and now that she smoked...  I called myself to order. 
Whatever I had in mind, it was light-years away from her intentions.  Then
I remembered something.

   'How come you know my name?'

   'Oh, Dan has talked about you and he showed you to me, you know
before...'

   She fell silent again.  Odd that after all she'd been thru, she
remembered me.  But I could almost feel how mentioning her late boyfriend
had depressed her and I felt guilty about it.

   'Look I'm sorry I asked.  I didn't mean to remind you of...'

   'Never mind.  It's not your fault.  Besides I should be able to cope
with it sooner or later.  Sticking my head in the sand doesn't help
either.'

   And then she actually stroked my arm.  We had arrived at the campus and
I assumed she would walk away towards her dorm.  But she surprised me.

   'Do you think you can spare a minute or two?  I just don't feel like
going up yet.  The girl I share my room with is out till tomorrow and I
feel like company right now.  But I warn you, don't get any funny ideas.'

   Her wish took me by surprise.  But then, I said to myself, it might be
frustrating to just keep her company, but jerking off under my blanket
wasn't that much fun either and that was the only other option presenting
itself.  Besides, who knows where this would lead to?

   'Sure, anything you say.  I'm not sleepy yet and we can sit somewhere
and talk, if that's what you want.  And don't worry, you don't have to fear
anything from me.' Even thou I wish you'd let me, I added in my mind.

   We walked over the lawn till we reached a bench on one of the alleys. 
There we sat down.  She kept chaining her cigarettes all the time.  I
understood she wasn't in a talkative mood so I didn't even try to start a
conversation, till after maybe a quarter of an hour she turned to me and
said:

   'Martin, could you hold me for a while?  Just like brother and sister?
Would you mind?'

   Dammit, I thought, she asks a lot.  Brother and sister!  But then it
still was better than nothing at all.

   'Yeah, sure.  There.  Better?'

   And so we spent another half an hour while she nestled into me.  I held
her in my arms, not sure what this meant but somehow glad I could give her
something her gang couldn't.  Smoke curled up as she continued to smoke,
almost choking me, but I loved it nevertheless.  I could only hope she
didn't notice my hard on.

   Finally, she stretched and rose.

   'Thank you Martin, I appreciate what you did for me tonight.  I don't
know many guys like you.  Good Night.'

   She gave me a peck and walked away and out of my life, or so I thought.

   I was on my way to the cafeteria, lost in thought, when the very subject
of my melancholic reflections out of a sudden popped up in front of me.

   'Hi Martin' Micky said to me and smiled.  Actually I hadn't seen her
beam like that ever since before her accident.

   'Hi, Micky.  What's up?' I looked at her and found she looked a lot
better.  Her make up was almost invisible.  Ever since she had been with
her gang, she had used lots of paint on her face, regardless of the time of
day, but not so now.  Except for some discrete lipstick and a trace of
eyeliner she hadn't used any cosmetic aids.

   'Out for lunch?  Mind if I join in?'

   My heart made a somersault.  She actually sought up my company!

   'I'll be honored'

   She laughed

   'So you can be funny!'

   Well, I had just tried to be polite, but if she wanted it that way, why
not.  We went to the cafeteria and ate our lunch and I found it quite
relaxing to talk with her.  She wasn't stupid and I found we had a lot in
common.  When it was time to leave, she laid her hand over mine and said:

   'Tell me Martin, do you have a girlfriend?'

   Truthfully I shook my head.

   'Do you think we could be friends?  I mean pals, not lovers?  I sure
could use a friend like you.  I've spent way too much time with those bums
and I'm done with them.  So what do you say?'

   I found her proposal strange and a bit humiliating.  She had probably
been banged several time by each of those assholes, but from me she wanted
just friendship.  But then it was nice to talk to her and should a
potential girlfriend come my way, I could just split up.  After all, as no
emotions were involved, nobody's heart would break.  Or at least that was
the idea.

   'Yeah, sure, I guess.'

   'Thanks a lot.  You don't know how much this means to me.  Can you come
to the dorm at seven?  We can have a walk or do whatever you like.'

   Again it struck me as strange.  She talked like we were some high school
teenagers starting a relationship but unsure how to do it.  But then what
the heck, I told myself.

   For a couple of weeks we saw each other almost every day.  Gradually my
feelings for her changed.  At first I had felt attracted in an almost
morbid way by her downfall from a neat and promising young lady to a
depraved sluttish drinker and smoker.  Now that we spent a lot of time
together I came to know the person behind it all.  She was very intelligent
and maybe as a consequence of what happened to her, she had adopted a
slightly cynical and smug attitude that matched my own views quite well. 
Sometimes she just wanted to sit somewhere and smoke, with me as a sort of
silent chaperon.  Then again we would talk and debate on all kinds of
topics even thou we seldom disagreed on things.  Sometimes we went to a
movie and she surprised me again as most of the time she expressed exactly
what I had felt about it.  My arousal caused by her looks and amplified by
her smoking had made way for a deep affection.  Unfortunately never again
she asked me to hold her in my arms and we hardly ever touched.  I had lost
all hope to become her lover.

   Her gang tried to attract her into their circle again several times but
she declined furiously.  One day she told me why.

   'You know what those bastards wanted from me?'

   I shook my head.

   'I'm not proud of what I did, but what they wanted from me was much
worse than anything I've ever done.  I'm not really mad at them.  I
shouldn't have gotten involved with them in the first place.  But then they
helped me at a time when I was in the deepest depression, you know, after
the accident.  Sorry, I wanted to tell you just what it was all about, but
I feel I need to tell you first about how it all started.'

   'Just tell me whatever you want, Micky.  We're friends, remember? 
That's what friends are for.'

   She surprised me by giving me a peck, something she hadn't done since
the night our friendship had started.

   'God, you're too good to be true.  You have no idea what this means to
me.  I had no one to talk to till I met you.'

   She sighed and lit another cigarette.  All the time we had been together
she had smoked constantly in my presence.  She did sometimes try to abstain
and I had to tell her many times I didn't mind, but whenever she had not
smoked for an hour or so, she got fidgety and started all over again, each
time dragging and inhaling like her life depended on the smoke she inhaled.


   'You see, after the accident I was dead inside.  The first weeks were
filled by horrible pains and I was dazed by all the stuff they pumped into
me to make the pains bearable.  After I recovered physically I found I
still needed pills to keep me going.  As soon as I could think straight
again, the memories started to work on me.  I felt like jumping off a
bridge often enough and so the only option seemed to be the pills.

   When the vacation came last year, I had a breakdown and landed in a
rehab facility.  They got me off the pills all right, but I got on nic for
a change.  There was a guy there, a male nurse and one day when I felt real
bad he offered me a cigarette.  I was stupid enough to let him talk me into
it and, well, now I'm hooked on nicotine instead of tranquilizers.  But I
must admit it did help and I greatly enjoy smoking now, even thou I know I
should quit.'

   My heart pounded and my fingertips prickled, while at the same time I
felt ashamed of myself.  To her the events she described had an entirely
different significance.  There was nothing sexual in them for her.

   'Well, I'm no one to judge that, but from all I know nicotine at least
isn't psychoactive.' I felt compelled to add.

   'Yeah, true enough.  Thank God for that.  But I still have to tell you
the toughest part of it all.  The gang.  You see, I met one of them in the
facility.  He was there because he had caused a car crash while drunk and
the judge sent him on a de-alc trip.  Well, he never stopped drinking
anyway and I felt sort of attracted by his defiant attitude.  I knew what
kind of bum he was from the start but after what I had done, I felt like I
deserved no better and at least for a while it was fun.

   After we were both released from rehab, I started to hang out with the
guy and his friends.  I wasn't in love with him or something and to my
shame I must admit I've tried out all of them.  I don't really know why I
did it.  I gained no pleasure from it.  Maybe a shrink would say I wanted
to punish myself.'

   Another smoke filled sigh.  Under the emotions her narration started in
her, she smoked even harder, double pumping and combining inhales with nose
exhales, smoke on her breath all the time while she talked.  And God did I
get frustrated.  Horny but frustrated.  At least she was concentrating too
much on her story to notice something.

   'You know, I have to be very grateful to you for another reason.  I fear
I was on my way to become an alcoholic before I split up with them.  Even
now I feel I could use a beer.'

   That didn't sound well to my ears.  But then I gave it a thought and
before I knew, I had said it aloud.

   'Now I sometimes feel like drinking a beer too.  I mean if you don't get
the shakes every morning till you've had your drink, I doubt you really
have a problem.' This did comfort her a bit.

   'Yeah, maybe you're right.  Except on occasions I didn't really drink
all that much and I certainly don't miss a drink in the morning.  It's only
sometimes when I'm sad or restless, I feel like downing a few.  Anyway that
alone wasn't my real problem.  I'm not even sure what would have happened
if they had asked me to do that stuff earlier.  But I still didn't tell you
what it was.

   You see, for a while I had been the only girl in their gang all the
time. Then lately that bitch Maria popped up.  We didn't come along well.
Guess it was jealousy in a way.  So I was a bit fed up already when that
slut had the idea to set up a gang bang.  That was the last drop.  It sort
of sobered me up and someone up above sent you my way.'

   She lit yet another cigarette and smoked furiously, looking away from
me.

   'Now you know who you deal with.  I don't deserve your friendship.  You
should get yourself a nice girl that doesn't smoke or drink and doesn't
have record for accidental killing.'

   I saw the tears in her eyes and I couldn't help but to lay my arm around
her.  She cuddled into me but still turned her head away.

   'Look Micky.' I said.  'You don't have to talk like that.  I understand
why you did what you did.  It was only natural and it's over anyway.'

   She turned to me and talked some smoke into my face.  That of course
triggered a reaction between my legs even thou I had no mind for such
things right then.  I was about to talk me either in or out of her life.

   'Well, killing Dan in a crash wasn't that natural.'

   'No, but you didn't do it on purpose either.'

   'True, but I did it.'

   Again she surprised me by engulfing me with aromatic smoke.  Usually she
took good care not to let too much second hand smoke come my way, much to
my dismay.  But then it would have been awkward to tell her I loved to get
"smoked".  After all we were only friends in her opinion.

   'Now c'mon.  You have to stop blaming yourself.  I know it sounds stupid
but shit happens.'

   'Maybe, but that doesn't bring back Dan.'

   'You miss him a lot, don't you?'

   I had avoided talking about her feelings, but now it was her who started
on the subject.  I had to ask her, lest she thought I didn't care.

   'You know, that's what in a way still hurts me most.  I don't miss him.
I don't even know if I ever loved him.  I know better now.'

   I felt a fist of iron on my heart.  So she was in love with someone
else.

   'So you found someone.' She must have felt the grief in my voice.  My
face gave me away too, I knew.  I had never been good at hiding my
feelings. Strangely this seemed to lighten up her mood.  She smiled, no,
she beamed at me.

   'I thought you knew, stupid, but I felt you deserve better.  I argued
with myself and as you behaved like a true gentleman all the time, I
thought you were just polite.  But now I know when I look at you.  That's
one thing I love so much on you.  You're like an open book.'

   And she took my head in her hands and kissed me hard on my lips.  It was
my turn now to have tears in my eyes.  Whatever I had expected it wasn't to
find her in love with me.

   'God, I'm sorry.  I should have washed away the stench from my
cigarette, but I hadn't planned it this way.  If you really feel for me
what I think you do, I might try and quit this filthy habit.'

   Now this called for instant rectification before she got a wrong idea. I
took her into my arms and she sat on my lap.  We launched into a real kiss
now.  I had to pant a little afterwards till I could have my say.

   'Micky, my love, the last thing I want you to do is quit smoking on my
behalf.  You would secretly hate me for it.  Besides, that I don't smoke
myself, a thing that may even change sometime, doesn't mean I object your
smoking.  It really doesn't bother me at all.  I could even say I enjoy the
smell.  And before you get started on pills again, you'd better stick to
your sticks.'

   She laughed at my pun, still a little doubtful.

   'You sure?  I warn you, I'm quite a smoker and you'd be surprised at the
moments I sometimes need to light up.  Even while...'

   'Well, then I have to tell you all of the truth now.  You see, it's not
only that I don't mind if you smoke.  I find it sexy, even alluring, so I
certainly won't object your smoking.'

   That earned me a peck from her. Something seemed to still bother her.

   'Listen, there's something you need to know, before we start into
something you might still regret.'

   'What on earth could that be?'

   'Well, I have been hurt pretty bad and...' she had to swallow.  'I've
got some pretty ugly scars.'

   I felt an immense relief.  I had figured that much myself, as I had
never once seen her wear a skirt after the accident.

   'I can imagine that.  But I'm not after you for your body alone.  I
don't just desire you, I love you.'

   'Then I'll just take you for your word.  What on earth are we waiting
for?  My roommate is out for the night and I know how to get you into the
dorm.'

   The End