Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Amnesia

   White.  All I can see is white, a foggy, unspecific white.

   *

   The light has changed.  Now it is of a bluish white artificial quality.

   *

   Dim.  It is dim now.  A dusty gray.  Foggy.  No contours, just faint
shadows.

   *

   There's a corner to my left.  It looks like the frame of a window.  I
cannot make out the exact outlines, but I'm pretty sure I can see the upper
corner of a window.  To my right, there's a transparent bottle hanging
upside-down from a shiny metallic rod.  I can't see it very well.

   *

   The door opens.  I hear muffled sounds.  Footsteps.  Approaching. 
Swishing sounds.  Clothing.  Someone is near by.  A silhouette moves at the
corner of my eye.  My vision is still blurred.

   *

   A face.  A woman.  She is watching me.  She takes away the bottle. 
Another bottle.  She doesn't talk.  She goes away.  The door goes again. 
I'm alone.  Sleep.

   *

   Another face.  Dark.  Afro American or Hispanic.  Another bottle. 
Sleep. Daylight.  Sleep.  Fresh bottle.  Artificial light.  Night, dim
light.  Instruments?

   *

   I wake up.  Vision comes back.  I can see the window better now.  Just
the upper corner, far end.  White frame.  Made of plastic.  I see the
bottle with the perfusion liquid.  Someone comes in.  A nurse?  Am I in a
hospital?  Why can't I move?  I don't feel anything.  Like my mind is
floating on its own, devoid of a body.  What's going on?

   *

   Judging by the light, it must be morning again.  Sore throat.  I can
feel my throat.  My tongue!  Teeth.  Gums.  No taste, but tactile
sensations.  My throat hurts.  Nothing else.  No body.  Lips!  I feel my
lips.  I sleep again.

   *

   It's afternoon.  The light has changed.  No direct sunshine, so the
window faces north.  But it is in the afternoon.  The nurse comes in.  I
want to speak, but I can't even move my lips.  She looks into my face.  She
leaves.

   *

   Another woman comes.  Doctor?  She has a different kind of frock or
coat. White, but different from the nurses.  Dark hair.  Dark eyes.  Pretty
eyes.  Pale skin.  A little coarse, visible pores.  Still, in a plump
fashion pretty, not very young.  Motherly, but not quite.  She looks at me
for a long time.  Sleep again.

   *

   Night has come and gone.  Morning again.  I can move my eyes a little.
Ceiling light.  Square, oblong.  Doctor comes again.  She looks into my
eyes.  I blink.  She talks to me.

   *

   'Can you hear me?' I blink.

   'Can you talk?' I blink.  Twice.  Does she get the message?

   'Oh, I see.  Once for Yes, twice for No.  Very well.  Do you know where
you are?' I blink.  Twice.

   'You are in a hospital.  Do you remember anything?' twice, for no.

   'Do you feel anything?' I blink many times, no straight answer.

   'Oh, I see.  Partly?' once, for yes.

   'Head?' yes.

   'OK, we'll see.  At least you're coming back.  Slowly, but you're
coming.' once.

   'Do you want to try if you can swallow something?' yes.

   'We have to be careful.  You have been on drip-feeding for quite a
while. I'll make them give you some water, for a start.  If it's OK, we can
go on to tea and later more.  I'll be back tomorrow.  Good bye.' she
leaves. Nurse comes in.  Small container with a straw.  She puts it to my
lips.  I suck on it.  Water.  Delicious!  I drink till it makes gargling
sounds.  Cold somewhere along my body.  My body?  I don't feel anything on
the outside, but there's a faint feeling inside, from the water.  Sleep
again.

   *

   Next day.  Doctor woman is here again.  Winky-winky game again.

   'How do you feel?' stupid question, but I blink.  Once, for yes, means
Ok.

   'Oh, sorry.  I take it you feel OK?' yes.

   'Any improvement?' yes, I feel my face.  How tell her?

   'Head?' yes.

   'Body?' no.  Fucking quiz show.

   'Be patient.  You will recover, I'm sure.  You will be given some
nutritive liquid.  Sort of astronaut food.'

   Doctor leaves, nurse comes.  Can with straw in it.  I sip.  Strange
taste.  Mealy, sweetish.  Good.  I feel better.  Pang down my body. 
Stomach?  Pang fades.  She can see it on my face.

   'You may feel uneasy at first, but it will pass.  This here is our
special cocktail against Abrosia.  Has all your body needs.  Calories,
minerals, vitamins.'

   Can is empty.  Nice feeling.  No pain any more.  Nurse leaves.  More
nutritive later.  Faint sensations from my body.  I fell the sheets around
me.

   *

   Morning.  Doctor is here again.

   'Good morning.  You feel good today?'

   'Mmhh' I make noises.  Cannot talk properly.  KEEP TRYING!

   'Great.  Your speech is coming back.  Don't overdo it.  Nice and easy.'
doctor has nice voice.  Full womanly voice.  Slightly hoarse, but sexy. 
How old is she?

   *

   'Harrlooow Dotttr' I can speak!

   'Wow, nice progress.  Anything better today, except speech?'

   'Hungry!' I whisper, but I want to shout

   'Oh, nice and easy.  Your stomach must get accustomed to solid food
again.  Today maybe a bit of soup.'

   'Good' Smell!  I can smell!  A faint smell of chemicals.  Hospital! 
Perfume.  Strong perfume!  Expensive.  She smells good.

   'Can you move your head to the side?'

   'No'

   'It will come to you.  Just be patient.  You make good progress.  You
have been like a vegetable and now you can talk already and you can
swallow. That's very good.  Best you sleep again.  Gather new forces. 
Maybe you surprise me.' Exit doctor.

   *

   Sleeping, feeding and some other activities I cannot make out exactly,
probably bedpan and cleaning.  Boring.  Must talk to doctor.  Nurse is
happy when I say "Thank You".

   *

   Doctor again.  Why now?  It's night outside.

   'Hi, I'm back.  I decided to spend more time with you.' doctor is in
"civilian clothes.  Silk blouse, black.

   'Tell me doctor, what's going on, why am I here and where is here?'
still difficult to talk, but I need answers, have to talk, even if it
hurts.

   'Well, this here is a private facility for patients with neurological
problems.  About why you are here, I will tell you all about it, but first
tell me what you remember.'

   'Nothing.  My mind is blank.  My first memory is the white ceiling I'm
looking at right now.'

   'Do you know your name?'

   'No.  Oh, wait, yes I think my name is Rob.'

   'That's all, Rob?  No second name?'

   'Nope.  Nothing.'

   'So apart from your name, nothing.  That will take time.  Don't stress
yourself.  Now about why you are here.  You have been found at the entry of
the Community Hospital.  You were clinically dead, but they brought you
back.  They have sent you here, because we are better equipped for cases
like yours.  You have been in a coma some time.  Now it looks as you are
coming back slowly.'

   'But why can't I feel my body?'

   'Well, that's the tough part.  We don't know.  I have been doing some
research on the web and apparently there have been only about a dozen cases
like yours.  Most of them didn't make it.  Some are still paralyzed and
only two have recovered fully.'

   'You think I can make it?'

   'Oh, you've made it already.  You are alive and conscious.'

   'What about my body?  I can feel something, but I can't move anything
below my neck.  I can't even turn my head.'

   'Well, we can only wait and hope for the best.  We have already made a
thorough examination of your brain and we're monitoring the electric
activity in your brain round the clock.  You don't feel it, but there are a
number of sensors attached to your skull.  We see the waves on the screen
here and in the control- room too.'

   'What did was the result of the examination?'

   'That's the unusual part, makes your case special.  You see, we couldn't
see any abnormality on your brain.  Judging by the pictures your brain is
in absolute good shape.  The brain patterns do show something different,
though.  At first there had been almost no activity at all, but now more
and more parts of your brain fire up and your brain patterns are almost
back to normal.  In fact, there is no explanation for your paralysis.  It's
like you could move, but for whatever reason your brain refuses to
cooperate.  We have tried some special drugs, but nothing helped.  I'm
still digging on the web for ideas.  So far I have found only one possible
treatment, but it's a weird one.  I'm not even sure it isn't a hoax. 
Besides, we could only apply it if your tactile senses recover completely.
We'll see about that.'

   'Oh, I see.' I fall into the brooding mood that has been building up
since I am aware of what is going on.  Then I look at the lady-doctor
again. She smells of her intense perfume like always, but there's something
else underneath it.  Sweat, yes that's it.  The sweet female sweat.  I love
that.  But behold, there's something else too.  Smoke.  Smoke?  Yes, must
be.  Yet not cigarette smoke.  At least not the usual domestic brands.  I
don't know what it is.  But how come I do know how cigarettes smell, are
what they are?  Words pop up into my mind and I take them for granted.  I
know things without knowing why or where from.  I study her face.  She has
the puffiness of moderate overweight.  Full rich lips and a strong jaw. 
She is in danger of developing a double chin, but not yet.  The skin on her
neck looks delicate and with only a few wrinkles.  I can see her right
shoulder.  Deliciously round and full.  From what I can make out she may be
just the way I love them.  Hope the rest of her body isn't disappointing. I
hate protruding bellies.  Not the slightly outward curbed, evenly spread
ones.  I love that.  But I hate the big hanging spherical belly.  We'll
see. She talks to me again.

   'I have to instruct you on some rules we have here.  First, don't call
me doctor.  I'm Susan, just Susan.  Ask the other girls about their names
if you can't read their tags.  Second, you can ask for anything you want.
As long as it isn't illegal or immoral, we deliver.  Don't worry about
costs.  The Community's insurance pays for you.  We even allow our patients
to smoke in their rooms, if their physical condition allows for that. 
Alcohol in moderate quantities is permitted too, except for ex-alcoholics.
Of course, you're still far from that kind of things, but I wanted you to
know, just in case.'

   'Wow, nice.  How about two beautiful harem-slaves?' she laughs heartily,
interrupted by a whet cough.  Smokers cough?  Hope so.  Why this
preoccupation with smoking?  I feel that I want to see her smoke.  The idea
makes me hot somehow.  I feel like a pang and suddenly I can turn my head
to my right, facing her now.

   'Hey, that was funny.  So you have a sense of humor.  Good.' then she
realizes what I just did.  She strokes my forehead.

   'Oh, great.  You can control your neck-muscles.  Good boy!  I feel
happy. Her cool hand on my forehead feels good.  I smell something on her
hand.  Tar, sweetish, slightly putrid and yet delicious.  I'm sure now. 
She's a smoker.  Definitely.  She sees the smile on my face.

   'You're gonna sleep well tonight, I'm sure.  You look like you've hit
the 1 billion jack-pot.' She takes her hand away.  Too bad!  'Now I'd like
to stay here with you, but I have work to do.  I'll be back after you've
had breakfast and the girls have cleaned you up all around.  Sweet dreams.'
she actually leans over and gives me a peck on the forehead.  Like I'm four
years old.  Now I smell it in full.  She smells like a heavy smoker.  Yet
there's something peculiar about her smell.  I wonder how I can be so sure
of these things.  Why is it important if she smokes?'

   She leaves.  I doze away.  A dream.  A woman kisses is me.  She blows
smoke into my face.  I love that.  It makes me horny.  I wake up.  No sign
of a bodily reaction.  Everything from neck downwards is numb.  I can't
move the tiniest muscle.  I don't feel pain, only the slight touch of the
sheets.  I'm disappointed.  Suddenly doctor comes in.  She has tired eyes.

   'I'm sorry to disturb you, but I've seen something on the monitors.  You
have been dreaming.  A quite intense dream I'd say.  What was it about?'

   'Oh, I don't remember, I'm sorry.' I don't know why I lie, but it's like
I'm ashamed of what I felt in my dream.  I don't know if she can read that
in my face.  She looks disappointed.  I can smell she had been smoking. 
The smell of smoke is strong on her now.  But I'm still puzzled.  The smell
has a sweetish component and is harsher at the same time.  What's that
she's smoking?  Cigarettes don't smell like that.  I try hard to remember.
She looks sad.

   'Too bad.  That could have been the key.  For an instance it looked like
your motor function would fire up, but it died away again.  You even made a
brief motion with your hand.'

   'I'm truly sorry, doctor, oh, err, Susan.  I just can't remember
anything, except there was a sudden pain.' she has a doubtful look.  Then
something crosses her mind.

   'We have to start some muscle training on you.  First thing tomorrow. 
I'll send you a therapist to work on your joints and muscles.  If we don't
do that, you won't be able to move from pain by the time you regain
control. Ok, sleep well.' She stays away from me now.  She doesn't want me
to smell she had been smoking.

   Sleep, no dreams.  I wake up in the morning.  The nurse comes in with a
tablet.  Smells delicious.

   'Oh, you can move your head now.  Very good.  I have some porridge here.
I'll lift you up and we'll try to eat now.' she fumbles with something
behind my back.  I'm lifted upwards.  She puts a napkin under my chin and
feeds me.  The porridge tastes heavenly.  I feel a lot better now.  She
wipes my lips and my chin and leaves.  I turn my head and explore the room.
Nothing much to see.  A painting on the wall opposite my bed and a white
plain door to my right.  With the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of
some medical gear close to the head of my bed.  There's a black spot in the
opposite corner of the room, near the ceiling.  A camera, I assume.  I
notice that the walls are painted in a dusky pink.  Only the ceiling is
pure white.  I brood away and wait for the things to come.  The nurse comes
back.  She's a short thickset person beyond forty.  A round sympathetic
face.  She pushes a small wagon of sorts.

   'Time to change the diapers.  By the way, you don't mind if I call you
Rob?  You can call my Patty.'

   'Oh no, go ahead Patty, do what you have to do.' she smiles and then she
pushes some buttons over my head.  The bed levels out again.  She lifts the
blanket that covers my body and fumbles noisily with all sorts of stuff I
can't see, because I'm flat on my back.  I just feel a faint wetness round
my lover body, but nothing discernible.

   'Hope the water isn't too cold' she says.

   'No, not at all.  In fact I don't feel much anyway.'

   'You don't feel this?'

   'No, what's that supposed to be?'

   'Never mind.  I just made a little test.  Nothing of importance.'

   Finally she's done with me and after I ask her to lift me up again, she
leaves.

   Doctor Susan appears.

   'Hi, how are we this morning?'

   'I don't know about you but I'm fine thanks.' I hate the "we" talk they
use in hospitals.  She laughs.

   'Oh, sorry.  Guess it's part of our training to talk like that.  I'll
try to avoid it.  In fact I hate it too, but it turned into a bad habit. 
Now, let's see.  No new developments?'

   'Not really, I'm afraid.  Still quite numb.  My throat is Ok now and I
can talk easily, but the rest is unchanged.  Still shitting in my pants
like a baby.' she laughs again, concludes with a short whet cough.  I die
to know what and how much she smokes.  Her perfume is very strong now, no
trace of smoke, but I'm sure it's there.

   'At least you are in good spirits.  Today we have quite a schedule. 
First, muscle training.  It will hurt, but it's necessary.  Then I'll be
back and we'll talk some more.  I need to find a way to fire up your
neurons.  If you want, you can have a TV set.  We have one that accepts
voice commands, so you can operate it hands free.  Now I'm off.  I do have
other patients to take care off, even though you're quite fun to talk to.'
she smiles, strokes my head and leaves.  Another whiff of the smoky smell
on her hands.

   What does she smoke?  Why do I need to know that so badly?  A remote
memory pops up.  Women that smoke are sexy!  A woman has to smoke to turn
me on?  Yes, I don't know why, but I'm positive.  That's it.  Non-smokers
bore me.  Smokers are a hit.  I think about Susan, the doctor.  She may be
round forty.  I watch her now when she enters and leaves the room.  Her
medical disguise obscures much of her body.  What shows is that she's quite
busty and heavy, but not fat.  She has a sexy way of walking, like she has
springs under her shoes.  She's rather tall, round 5"6 or 5"8.  Her hands
are large but soft and her touch is delicate.  I'd love to see her smoke,
whatever it is she's smoking.

   A young man enters the room.  He has a tray with some stuff on it.  He
removes the blanket.  He adjusts the position of my bed and then he starts
to work on my legs.  First he kneads them up and down and then he flexes
them and moves them up and down.  At first, I don't even feel his hands,
but as he progresses, I feel an increasing pain.  Every time he flexes my
leg, there's a sharp pang.  I hold on.  I know it's for the best.  Then he
works on my arms.  Same thing all over again.  Next he works on my palms
and fingers.  When he's thru, I'm exhausted.  I fall asleep.

   When I wake up it's mid afternoon.  I notice a digital clock above the
door.  It shows close to half past three.  Nurse enters.

   'You've overslept lunch.  But that's OK.  I've brought you something.'
She has a tray with clumps in different colors.

   'There you are.  Scrambled eggs with mashed potatoes.  Enjoy your meal!'
she feeds me and I wolf it down.

   'Thank you.  That was good'

   'Wait till you're allowed to eat the menu.  We have a real good chef
here.' she wipes clean my mouth, gives me some tea and leaves.  A guy in an
overall comes in and pushes in a small cart with a huge TV set on it.  He
places it at the end of my bed and plugs some cables into the wall.  He
turns it on and demonstrates the voice commands.  All I have to do is to
say "attention" and than volume up, down or channel up or down and shut off
or on.  I try it and it works pretty well.  Now I can watch TV.  Cute.  I
switch channels, till I find a movie of sorts.  Some sappy love story, but
the leading actress is sexy and I'm lucky.  There's a scene where she is in
distress and lights up a cigarette.  I love that.  Pity the scene is short.
I see her inhale once, but that's about all.  Next movie.  A thriller. 
Nice, but no smoking except the bad guys.  I watch TV till its time for
dinner.  A sort of vegetarian stew.  It's not seasoned very well, but the
nurse says it's supposed to be that way.  My digestive system isn't ready
for heavier stuff yet.  Then she feeds me a drink of soured milk.  That's
good.

   It's past eight when Susan comes back.  She's "civilian" again.  A beige
blouse and a skirt that covers her knees.  She has strong calves, but I
love the way they sway outward.  She smells of smoke and she's a bit sweaty
too.  My head is swimming.  It smells a lot better than her perfume.

   'I wish I knew what to do.' she says.  'I'm afraid I'll have to try that
weird method I told you I found on the web.  But for that I have to ask you
some very intimate questions.  I can only hope you can remember the things
I need to know.  I don't know yet how I'll set it up, though.  But there's
no point in delaying it.  If we don't want you to stay paralyzed for the
rest of your life, we have to use bigger guns.' she blushes a little. 
What's she up to?  Hope it's nothing unpleasant.  She takes a deep breath
and then she starts talking in a low voice, clearly embarrassed by what she
tells me.

   'What I want to try on you is a method called sexual stimulation.  But
it's very tricky.  First we must work out together what arouses you.  I
mean not just a poster of a naked woman.  It has to be a sudden pang, a
very intense sexual stimulation.  So we'll talk now about what you think
can make you dribble.  The second part is even harder.  We must find a
woman who is suited and willing to stimulate you the way it takes to turn
you on heavily.  I'm not a shrink, but I know that much, that there is no
such thing as universal beauty, not in the sexual sense.  Each man gets
turned on only by certain women.  Do you think you are ready to talk about
it?' I nod.

   'I wish I could spare you this, but there's no other way.  We have even
tried to monitor your reactions when you were watching TV, but we got no
conclusive data.  You have had only one specific reaction and we couldn't
place that one.' That must have been the scene in the movie, where the
woman smokes in distress, but it seems they haven't made the connection. 
So I have to disclose my little secret to Susan, my doctor.

   'What do you need to know?' I ask, playing naive.

   'First, describe how your ideal bed partner must look like.  I mean do
you prefer blondes or brunettes, tall or short ones, trim or heavy?  But
please, try to be as specific as you can.'

   'OK, doctor, sorry, Susan.  What kind of women do I like?  The sexy ones
of course.' it's meant as a joke, but she doesn't get it and wants to
interrupt, so I jump in.

   'Oh, sorry, I was joking.  It's hard for me to tell, as I can't remember
anything, so I have to compare the few women I have seen here these days.'
I catch my breath and then go on:

   'I prefer the darker ones.  I mean not Hispanic or Afro American, but
the dark haired woman with dark eyes, but pale complexion.'

   'I think that I prefer the heavier type with, err, a well-developed
chest, if you know what I mean.  I like them with bulging everything, hips
and breast and all that.  And I prefer the riper ones, closer to forty, not
the young girls.' talking a lot still takes some effort and I have to pause
for a while.

   'Wow, that's a pretty good description, but it'll be tough to find a
woman that fits.'

   'Oh, well, I don't know if I should say this and believe me, normally I
wouldn't dare, but under the circumstances, well, err..'

   'Oh common, spit it out.  I'm your doctor.  You can trust me.'

   'All right.  Let me ask you something.  Have you looked into a mirror
lately?' she gives me shocked look.  She understands what I'm hinting at.

   'You don't mean to say that...'

   'Well actually yes.  It's you.' she's crimson read now.  Looks like
she's embarrassed, but not mad.

   'Look, buster, don't make fun of an old lady'

   'Hey, who said your old.  Your a very attractive woman in her best age.'

   'O c'mon.  This goes too far.  I know exactly how I look.  I know my age
and besides I'm at least forty pounds overweight and I'm not a beauty
either.'

   'Look, Susan, that's all nonsense.  You are beautiful and I told you I
don't like skeletons.  You're just right.  You are very very sexy.  Why
should I lie to you?' she calms down a bit and she gives me an inquisitive
look.  For a moment she's not the doctor anymore, just a woman who has been
taken by surprise, not daring to believe someone actually thinks she's
attractive.

   'Oh boy.  I haven't expected this.  I have to sleep it over.  We'll go
on tomorrow.  Good night.' she heads for the door, but the she turns back
to me and gives me a peck on my cheek.  Her hand on my head feels real
good. I can smell the intense flavor of smoke on her face.  I'm still
confused about what exactly leaves that kind of smell.  I only know I love
it.  While she leans over my face I catch a glimpse at her cleavage. 
Yummy! I try to imagine how she looks naked.

   She leaves.  The nurse comes in to straighten my bed and turn out the
lights.  Sleep again.

   Next morning.  I can hardly wait for Susan.

   Finally, after half an eternity, she comes.  Surprise.  She's "civilian"
again.  Her blouse is unbuttoned, so I get a good look at her cleavage.  It
looks fantastic.  She even wears make-up.  First thing she gives me a peck
on the lips!  Wowie, what a greeting!  She smells of smoke again, more
intense now.

   'I've decided to take your word for it.  You do find me attractive. 
Well, I have more than your word to rely on.  I've studied the recording of
your brain patterns after I was here.  You do get excited when you see me.
I had lost hope to cause that kind of reaction in any male, but you're
here.' she is slightly blushed and a bit uneasy.  Still, I feel that she
too is attracted to me, even though I'm only a limp body, unable to do
anything to please her.

   'Still, we have to go on with the questionnaire.  As much as I'd like
to, a simple round of erotic dancing may not be enough.  We have to work
out a very strong stimulus, like an especially erotic incident, whatever
that may be.  I can only hope we find something like that.' she struggles
to show professionalism.  Meanwhile I admire her body.  She has quite a
narrow waistline.  Her hips have a nice sway.  Pity that all the excitement
takes place only in my head.  The rest of my body showes no reaction at
all.

   'So, can you think of something I can do to give you an intense pang of
arousal?  To drive you frantic?  Please think hard.  It may be the only
hope.  I'll do whatever it takes.  I want to see you walk out of here on
your own legs!' she says that with growing emphasis.  I pretend to think
hard.

   'Remember that dream where you were so anxious to find out what it was?'

   'Yes'

   'I must admit I lied to you.  I did remember everything.  It's only it
was quite weird.  I'd hate to ask you to do that.'

   'Whatever it is, unless you ask me to cut off a limb, I'll do my best.'

   'Gee, this is hard.' I pause dramatically.  'But be it must.  You see
I'm ashamed of myself.  It may well be that I'm a fetishist.' I shut up,
leaving the ball in her section.  I hope she imagines worse and will be
relieved to find out what it's all about.  Besides she IS a smoker, so she
won't have to do nothing unnatural to her.

   'Oh, I see.  You are a fetishist.  That means it's something on me that
turns you on.  What is it?  Clothes, or stockings or shoes?  Do you want to
lick my shoes or my feet?  Is that it?' she seems a little distressed now,
just is I intended.

   'Oh, I'm afraid it's much worse, in fact it's so disgusting, I don't
know how to tell you.'

   'Please, don't worry.  I can take it.  I'm quite open-minded.  I
wouldn't mind if you'd want me to do anything weird, as long as it doesn't
involve physical harm.'

   'Oh, that's part of the problem.  It may involve something quite
harmful.' what a cunning scoundrel I am to tease her like that.

   'Now, please tell me what it is.  I'll do whatever it takes.' she has
reached a resolution.  She'd probably eat nails to cure me if I'd ask her
to.

   'Well, err, it's, well it's about smoking.  I dreamt that woman was
smoking a cigarette and kissing me at the same time.  But I'd hate to make
you smoke for me.  I mean smoking is a filthy thing to do.  I mean not in
my eyes, but as a doctor you probably have strong views about that.' she
suddenly starts to laugh, till she chokes on a hacking cough and tears run
down her face.  She recovers from her cough and starts laughing again. 
Finally she leans over and this time embraces me, so I can feel the heavy
softness of her breasts against my chest.  Then she kisses me softly on my
lips.

   'Oh, boy that really is ironic.  You gave me one hell of a scare.  I was
expecting to hear that you're a scatologist or a BDSM fan and now this. 
You couldn't be more wrong.  You see, I'm a smoker and I'm afraid quite a
heavy one.  I'll gladly smoke for you.  The only trouble is I don't smoke
cigarettes, not any more.' finally, I am to hear the answer to the puzzle.
But she mustn't know that.  So I try to look as surprised as I can.

   'Well I started on cigarettes like most people and I'm afraid, way to
early too.  My mother allowed me to drag on her cigarette ever since I was
five or six years old, or at least that's what I can remember.  She might
have done it even earlier for all I know.  It was just a game and I didn't
inhale or something.  I didn't even like it.  On my tenth birthday however,
my mother decided to teach me to smoke.  She didn't know what she was
doing, but those days, smoking was still socially acceptable.  People saw a
habit in it and not an addiction.  Anyway, my mother taught me to smoke the
right way.  Well, I loved it.  She shared her cigarettes with me from then
on and I was on a pack day in no time.  And how I loved it!  And I must
admit I still love to smoke.  I don't give a damn if it's unhealthy.  I
just love to smoke!  Period.  If I had stayed on cigarettes I would
probably be married happily and have three brats at home.  Trouble is, in
college I was smoking two to three packs a day.  We were quite an
inquisitive bunch those days and would do all kind of experiments.  I had
two friends, both girls of my age and they were heavy smokers, just like
me. Then one of my friends showed up with a pipe.  She said she had read
that pipes are much less harmful than cigarettes.  So she tried to smoke
the pipe instead.  Well she couldn't.  She kept trying to inhale and would
choke on it and cough, so she finally gave up and wanted to throw away the
pipe.  I took it from her and out of a sort of bravado tried to smoke it
myself.  Well, it turned out that not only could I smoke it without choking
on it, but I also enjoyed it.  The harsh strong smoke created a pleasant
tickling sensation down my throat, and I still love that till the present
day.'

   I must admit I was in doubt if seeing her smoking a pipe could excite
me.

   'So you smoke pipes?'

   'Oh, I wish I did.' what was left?  Cigars?  But she didn't smell like a
cigar- smoker.

   'It was awkward at times to carry all the stuff around, pipe, pouch,
cleaning kit and other stuff.  There where moments when it was simply too
complicated to take out the pipe, stuff it and then light it with
difficulty.  I tried to switch back to cigarettes, I even tried
non-filters, but nothing would taste so sweet and would tickle like that in
my throat.  Luckily, one day a tobacconist offered me some cigars made of
pipe tobacco.  I fell in love instantly.  I smoke them till the present day
and they're ideal.  You handle them like cigarettes.  They have a plastic
mouthpiece, so no ugly juices on your tongue.  No preparations necessary
and they don't stink like real cigars.  The only disadvantage is that it
takes a while to smoke one up.  Luckily, here at the clinic they're very
easygoing about smoking.  Our head physician is an aficionado.  He smokes
only the best Cubans.  So everybody is free to smoke in the offices and I
told you, the patients are allowed to smoke too.  What about you?  Do you
smoke yourself?  Any cravings?

   'Oh no, I'm pretty sure I never smoked.  I wanted women to smoke for
me.'

   'Ok, my secret is out.  But tell me, do you think it's bad that I smoke
a sort of cigars?  I could smoke cigarettes if that suites you better.'

   'Oh, I don't know.  Somehow I feel that you must look very exciting with
a cigar' I could already feel the adrenaline building up.  Tipped cigars!
That sounded super.  'But tell me, you said that you would have been
married by now is you stayed on cigarettes.  Why that?'

   'Oh, that one!  I had a boyfriend back then and we were quite in love.
We might have gotten engaged, but then I started my pipe experiment.  That
drove him mad.  We would fight about it all the time.  He said the pipe
made me look masculine and he had no homosexual inclinations.  So finally
we split.  After I started to smoke these cigars, we met accidentally and
went to a coffee shop.  It almost looked like he was still interested, but
then I took out one of my cigars.  When he saw it, he fled.  I have never
seen him since.  I understood that I had to choose between men and my
smoking.  Let's hope it doesn't turn you off too.'

   'Let's have a try then.  Why don't you smoke for me?  After all it's for
the medical science.' She shrugs and then leaves to come back with one of
her cigars.  She lights it from a lighter.  She puffs a while, till it has
a nice uniform glow on its end.  Then she takes a real long drag, removes
the cigar from her lips and inhales with obvious satisfaction.  I love how
her chest rises when she sucks the smoke in real deep.  Makes her big
breasts press against her bra.  Now she slowly blows the smoke out in a
long cone.  She holds her head to one side, so she doesn't blow the smoke
into my face.

   'How was that?  Disgusting, isn't it?' she says this in a sad
disillusioned tone, like she's sure I don't like it.  Need to put her
right.

   'Oh, no, on the contrary.  I love to watch you smoke.  Those cigars of
yours look so damn sexy in your mouth.'

   'C'mon, you make fun of me.  Nobody I know likes it.  I even tried to
date a cigar smoking man.  Not even he liked it.' now she talks while she
exhales.  Yummy!  And the way the smoke smells!  Fantastic.

   'Look, you must believe this.  Seeing you drag on that cigar makes me
want to jump on you.  I only wish I could.'

   She gives me a confused look.  She wants to believe I find her smoking
sexy, but she doesn't dare.  Then she leans over a bit and stares into my
eyes.  I can smell her better now.  My head is all hot.  Pity my body
doesn't follow.

   'You DO mean it!  How odd.  I would never have thought I can find a man
who actually loves to see me smoke.' she takes a couple of hits on her
cigar, each followed by another breathtaking inhale.  Each time her rump
arches backward while she inhales as deeply as she can.  What a sight! 
This woman loves to smoke!  Then she seems to remember that there was a
purpose in her show.

   'Do you feel any change yet?'

   'No, I'm afraid not.' not quite true, but I want to tease her into going
beyond just smoking in front of me.  Maybe that in itself would help, but I
want more.

   'If you don't mind, I'll smoke my cigar down and then I'll check the
monitors next door, to see if there's any change at all in your patterns.'

   'Yes, go ahead.  If for no other purpose, but you can always come here
to smoke.  It's a treat for me.'

   'Oh, well, OK.  The nurses will find it odd, but I don't really care.'
she seems a little uneasy now.

   'Look, is there something wrong?' I ask.

   'Oh, no, it's nothing.' she doesn't want to talk about it, but I notice
something strange.  She has her hand in her lap now and if I'm not totally
wrong, she's itchy between her legs.  Could it be?  Let's hope.

   After a while she has smoked her cigar almost down to the plastic tip
and she leaves for the control room.  She comes back in a pensive mood.

   'Now I do have to believe you.  You definitely get sexually aroused when
I smoke in front of you.  You see I have tested you before.  Those little
gestures of mine, touching your forehead, kissing you and all that, where
meant to help us identify how your patterns look when you are stimulated.
That's why I can tell.  But I'm not satisfied yet.  We have to find a way
to stimulate you further.'

   Shit!  Now I'm a little disappointed.  I had hoped she did kiss me
because she took a little fancy on me.  Now it turns out it was an
experiment.

   'Too bad.  Now I feel like a guinea pig.  I had hoped you like me.  So
all your tender gestures where only part of testing me.'

   I certainly do my best to show my disappointment.  I can see now she
takes it the hard way.  Her eyes swim.  Good.

   'Oh, I'm so sorry.  The truth is, it wasn't hard to be real nice to you.
I do like you.' she sits on the edge of my bed.

   'This here is off the record, I promise!'

   She leans over and kisses me.  My lips are closed, but suddenly I feel
her tongue.  We launch into quite a good Frenchie.  She still smells
strongly of her cigar.  I love that.  The buttery and bitterish taste of
her mouth is so good!  I don't even notice it at first, but slowly, I feel
a warmth in my lower body.  She leans back a little out of breath, blushed
and smiling.

   'How was that?'

   'Oh, I don't know.  I guess I need to make more tests.  A lot more, I
fear.' good.  She laughs.  I adore the way she laughs and coughs a little.
Smokers cough.  The best music in the world!

   'Yes, I think you are right.  But we still don't make much progress.  Do
you think there's some more I can do to stimulate you?

   'Oh, I think so.  But it's no use.  I can't ask you that much.  I mean,
smoking was all right, as you turned out to be a smoker anyway, but I'm
afraid that it takes a bit more than just the smoking.'

   'Oh, why are you so shy?  I like you, quite a lot in fact, so I'm
willing to go quite far to help you recover.  I told you that before. 
Besides I'm still your doctor.  No need to hold back.  Out with it!'

   She is a bit upset now.  Very well.  I take up all my courage.

   'Well I think if you could, well, show a bit more skin, that could help.
And you could be a little closer when you smoke.  Also I'd like to kiss you
when you're smoking.' she looks surprised.

   'Oh, dear!  I don't mind undressing before you, but I don't know if that
will be of great help.  I really am no fashion model.  I'm old, fat and
ugly.  My hips are twice as large as they should be, and my titts are on
their way to meet my bellybutton.  I'm afraid seeing me naked will turn you
off.  Besides, there's one thing that really puzzles me.  You said you are
a smoke fetishist.  I did look up the term, even though I remember quite
well what they taught us about fetishism.  A fetishist is interested only
in the object of his fetish and not in the woman.'

   I laugh.

   'Well, I let's clear up things.  First let me tell you that I think you
are very sexy.  I love heavy women.  I love to see ample hips and big full
breasts.  And the really beautiful ones do sag.  That's part of their
beauty.  I wouldn't want them any other way.  Then about that fetish stuff.
I still don't remember anything from before, but I can tell you this.  It's
not the smoke or the cigarette or cigar that makes out the fetish in me. 
It is the woman that does the smoking.  That's why I don't get the real
kick out of just looking at you smoke.  If you want me to put it bluntly,
there it is.  I think the only way to make my hormones boil over is to
dress real hot and then work on me with hands and lips, while you smoke
your cigars.'

   Again, I try to look as embarrassed as I can, even though I don't feel
that way.  I do that because something tells me that it is easier to make
her do the things I hope for, if I pretend I don't really dare to ask for
them.  She looks away and blushes.

   'Are you really sure you won't loose all interest in me when you see my
plump fat body exposed?' she looks me in the eyes now.

   'No, certainly not.  I can't imagine anything more arousing.'

   'Very well, I've warned you.  But it'll have to wait till tomorrow.  I
need to go shopping, to get all the erotic gear you want me to wear.'

   After she leaves, I stay awake for quite a while.  Will it work?  I can
feel that there's something happening to my body, but apart from some vague
sensations there isn't really much going on.  My body still is one
amorphous mass.  I can't feel my penis at all.

   In the morning, Susan drops in briefly, but she makes no reference to
our conversation from last night.  She doesn't even touch me.  The only
thing new is that she doesn't try to cover the smell of her cigars with
tons of perfume anymore.  I sniff and am rewarded by a divine mixture of
female body odors, smoke and a touch of soap.  After the routine questions
about my well-being, she disappears.  The day passes slowly.  I can't wait
for the night.  Will Susan really be willing to appear in erotic lingerie
and will that help?

   Then finally she comes.  She wears a dress, quite plain in fact.  She
has a shy smile on her face and her eyes are shiny.

   'You know, I didn't have so much fun buying clothes since I was
seventeen.  Now let's see if the miracle is going to happen.'

   'Don't forget to smoke.'

   'Oh, don't worry.  I have brought enough cigars to last me a whole day.
And I'm so nervous, I need to smoke badly.  Besides, I must confess my
greatest secret.  I love to smoke while I masturbate.  All right, here we
go.'

   She starts by lighting a cigar.  Then, with the plastic tip of the cigar
clenched firmly between her teeth, she reaches behind her and using both
hands, she unzips her dress.  I don't actually se what she does behind her
back, but I can hear the sound of the zipper.  She simply lets the dress
drop to the ground and steps out of it.  Now I see her in her underwear. 
She wears a bodice made of black lace, garters and net stockings in black
too.  She wears no panties so her black bushy tuft is exposed.  Her heavy
body and her big breasts look incredibly voluptuous.  Her hips are ample
and round.  She has quite a trim waistline, making her hips look even
better.  I feel my mouth watering and a wave of heat starts to spread from
my head downwards.  Suddenly I can feel my body much better.  I can feel my
hands and my legs distinctly now and even my penis.  She makes a sort of
pirouette and asks.

   'You still think I look sexy?  I asked for the tartiest outfit they
have. I hope it does look that way on me.'

   I hardly can speak from emotion.

   'OH god, you look gorgeous.  You're a sex goddess in that outfit. 
Please, come near me.  I'll have a stroke if you'll just tease me.'

   She eases up and smiles.  She approaches me with slow swaying moves. 
When she speaks, her voice now has an even lower, hoarse quality. 
Maddening.  I really feel how my blood pumps thru my veins.  She throws the
blanket aside and undresses me.  Luckily, the nurse has changed my diapers
and washed me shortly before.

   I'm naked now and she climbs on the bed.  She sits on her hunches, her
slit exactly over my cock.  All the time she does this, she smokes
seductively on her cigar, most of the time hands free.  My head swims. 
Suddenly there's a sensation like something snaps in my head.  I feel my
cock swelling.  My fingers move!  She feels my swelling cock too and starts
to rub her slit up and down my swelling organ, moaning softly.  Then she
lovers herself over me till she's almost laying flat on me and then she
manages to let my cock slide into her whet and hot vagina.  Now she moves
up and down to make my cock stroke her vagina on the inside.  For a mature
woman she's surprisingly tight down there.  I love it.  She starts into
alternatively dragging on her cigar and kissing me.  I can move most of my
body now, but I'm very week.  All I can do is lay my hands on her back. 
It's an incredible sensation to hold this voluptuous body in my arms.  It's
a matter of minutes till I cry out and feel my cock spurt out an enormous
quantity of liquid.

   To my surprise, Susan is having quite an impressive orgasm too.  She
rolls off me and lays there panting and occasionally hitting on her cigar.
Her head is close to mine and I get the full benefit of her exhales.  This
must be heaven.  My left arm is still under her.  It's a wonderful feeling
to have her heavy softness press on my arm.  A wave of intense satisfaction
rolls over my entire body.  I have my body back and have just made love to
a gorgeous cigar smoker!  With some effort I lay my hand on her back.  She
has such a marvelous soft back.  I love to touch her.

   'Wow, you can use your hand.  So it did work after all.' her voice is
very soft.  I feel her breath in my face.

   'Oh yes it did!  I can move my fingers and my toes and I can feel
everything.  But I'm still very week.'

   'Well, you can't expect any miracles.  You have been immobilized for a
month now.  It'll take time and lots of exercise to bring you back in
shape. Do you feel OK now?  No pain or something?'

   'No, I'm fine.  But when I come to think of it, I'm afraid of a relapse.
Maybe another special treatment might help.'

   'Hey, look at you!  Limp like a dead body and the next minute you're a
stallion!  Take it easy, buster.'

   'Oh please, just to celebrate my revival, would you?' saying this I kiss
her on the mouth and she responds gladly.  Her tongue meets mine and we
launch into a frantic reciprocal tonsil probing.  After a while she draws
away and says with a laugh:

   'You do mean business!  Well, I've crossed the Rubicon, so what the
heck. Let's see if we can get your little buddy into gear again.'

   'I'd like to ask you something, if you don't mind.  Would you smoke
again, please?  I love to see you smoking while we're at it.'

   'OK, because it's you, I can just as well have another cigar.' she
lights another one and she rises to give me another ride.

   'Oh, sorry, but I have just one little wish.'

   'What now?' she asks a little inpatient.

   'You do look very sexy in that outfit, but wouldn't you be more
comfortable without it?' she blushes and answers reluctantly.

   ' Oh, well, I don't know.  I'd rather not.'

   'Why, what's the matter?  That flimsy thing doesn't hide much anyway'

   'Yes, well, the thing is this.  My breasts aren't as firm as they used
to be, and I'm afraid you won't like the way they sag.'

   'Why don't you try me out?  I don't remember anything of my former self,
but I'm pretty sure I don't have an aversion towards big breasts.'

   'All right, I'll do it, but only if we dim the light.'

   'OK, that's fine.  Besides my hands work in total darkness too.'

   She dims the light, but it's still bright enough to see all I need to
see.  She opens some hooks on the side of her bodice and drops it to the
floor.  Her stockings follow.  I can see the outlines of her breasts and
now I understand what she meant.  Her breasts look even bigger now. 
They're full and round and they do sag, bit in a sexy way.  I can hardly
wait to touch them.  She climbs the bed again and covers my cock with her
slit, just like the first time.  Puffing away on her cigar, she slides her
slit up and down my cock, till it's hard enough to crack nuts with it. 
Then she takes my cock gently into her fingers and directs it to slide into
her vagina.  Wow, what a feeling!  She launches again into those rocking
moves, letting my cock slide in and out her vagina.  I get hotter and
hotter.  Jeeessus Christ, that's fantastic.  I lift my hands and let them
wonder up her sides, then I cup her breasts.  I feel her shudder.  She hits
hard on her cigar and I feel her body shudder again.  She groans and moans
and makes miauing sounds in between drags on her cigar.  It looks like she
inhales with every breath now.  Seeing her smoke makes me wilder and I try
to lift my pelvis to meet her moves.  She's all frantic now and with the
onset of her orgasm her vagina contracts rhythmically around my cock.  She
climbs higher and higher on her orgasm.  Christ, that's incredible!

   In the end, I can hold no more and my orgasm sets in with overpowering
might.  For a moment the world is out of focus.  Next thing, she rests at
my side, one breast on my chest, the other squeezed between us.  She
struggles to recover her breath, just like me.  Her tar-loaded breath hits
my nose and almost makes my cock grow hard again.  Finally, after a peck on
my cheek, she talks to me:

   'You know, I'll be forever grateful to you.  I have lived like a nun for
the past ten years and I needed this badly.  I was growing sick and tired
of hand- jobs and mechanical aids.  I missed the touch and the smell. 
Thank you Robby dear.' another hearty French kiss follows.

   'The pleasure is all mine, my Lady.' I return her kiss.

   During the following days a kind of routine sets in.  My days are filled
with exercise and examinations, the nights are smoky hot.  Susan spends
every night in my room.  Our love making gets better and better now that I
can move again.  Together with my returning strength the number of acts
increases each night.  We find new ways of pleasing each other and she is
quite inventive at it.

   *

   A conference room somewhere in a huge compound of BioMed, an institution
unknown to the general public.  Only few high-rank military and a hand-full
of civilians, all living practically in seclusion within the compound know
of it's existence.  Not even the President knows what's going on there,
although he has been briefed about its existence.

   'Dr.  Anhari.  I think this has gone far enough.  You've had your fun
but it's about time to release the guy.  There's no reason to detain him
any longer.  KG478 works, that's all we needed to know

   'I will do as you ask.  Tomorrow I will inject him AA125 and he will
regain his former personality.' Dr.  Susan Anhari answered.

   'And you are sure he won't remember what happened to him here?' the
General insisted.

   'Well, even if he remembers something, he will have no clue as to what
happened to him.  The chances he might actually have a coherent memory of
what happened to him are one to a million.  None of the previous subjects
could regain his memory of the time he was under KG478.'

   'Err, General, why don't we just, you know, apply a final solution?' a
man in civilian clothes sitting across the table from the General asked.

   'Mr.  Jenkins!  I'm well aware you guys from the Agency have your own
ways, but let me remind you that the poor suckers only fault is that he had
an accident.  We from the Army don't kill innocent American citizens.  Our
job is to protect them, not kill them.  So, Dr.  Anhari, it's settled then.
We will take him over tomorrow, say at 900.  You will see that he sleeps
for twenty-four hours.'

   Susan Anhari hides in the toilet and there she cries for half an hour.
She curses her stupidity.  But then she returns to the medical section and
tries to play happy in front of her patient.

   ***

   A strange dream of a woman smoking a tipped cigar keeps haunting my
nights.  I have lost two month of my life.  They say I have been in a coma,
somewhere on an island after a plane crash and have lost the memory of the
events prior to the crash.  Yet, some things puzzle me.  I know that people
laying in a coma for two month have enormous difficulties to regain their
physical capacity, yet I feel in perfect shape.  I know I have been against
smoking all my life and the people I've asked confirm that.  Now I feel a
strange attraction towards female smokers.  I remember I once almost threw
up when a woman tried to kiss me and blew smoke into my mouth at the same
time.  It had been in a bar somewhere near Philadelphia.  Now I crave to
meet that woman again and let her fill me up with as much smoke as she
wants.

   There's a name that pops up in my dreams, Dr.  Susan Anhari.  I have
used the Internet to trace her down.  The latest entry is from five years
ago.  After that it seems she disappeared.  Tomorrow I will visit a new
friend.  He's member of "Citizen's watch" an organization dedicated to
unravel secret activities of the government.  He said they have a hacker
working for them who might be able to access some databases of the Pentagon
and even FBI and the Agency.  Except she died unnoticed the only reasonable
explanation for her disappearance is that she's working for some secret
government project.  I am sure Susan Anhari is the woman in my dreams and I
crave for her full body and the smell of the cigars she smokes.

   The End