Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Charley {MG Nude Ex/Vo Mole...}

   I didn't want to spend another night in that Shelter.  Drag the
matresses across the floor, and stack them up in the cabinets in the
morning before breakfast.  Guys coughing all night, cold hard floor, it's a
nightmare.  Good food, hot showers availible whenever they're open, big
rolling chainlink gate to keep us out during the day.

   It'd be a while 'till they even start lining up for the feed, so I scout
out a new campsite nearby.  Find a goodone, by the little creek.  Enough to
drink out of, I get down, downstream from a little patch of moss, and grass
to a short bank.  Catch the falling drops, and slurp it from my hand, eyes
wide for motion out to the sides.  "Huh," catch my breath, and grab my
pack. Stash it for later, I'll have plenty of light, and I better get the
mandated 200 yds from the school.

   So, make sure.  Cutting straight across, pacing it out, an extra 5th to
CMA.  Girls' school, the little grey bus says St.  Agnes, Catholic.  Now,
I'm not saying the uniforms' a turn-on, but when you get to be my age, you
take every opportunity you can get.  That's a joke, Doc.  I got diagnosed
by the court appointed shrink, and did the mandated therapy.  Lucky enough
to get out, and off parole before they started making us Register, and keep
an address to pin it to.

   To tell the truth, they're a little too modest, in their little logo
sweater vest, kneesocks, and long skirts.  I have to wait for them to pop
up, over their young smooth thighs, and flash a little panties in a twirl,
or hang down from the monkeybars.  Do a handstand!  Virgins, well most of
them I bet, imagine all them cherries waiting to get popped.  I closed my
eyes, one of them squeeled in laughter like a scream, but I didn't need to
see them no more.  Keep an eye out for one to spot me.

   "Nhnh!" She giggled, and asked if I was peeing.  It got it all over my
pants, fumbling with them, behind the bush.  I wear camo, it's cheap, and
it wears long, but lots of guys do on the street.

   "You wanna see?" she nodded, and followed me with her eyes, chewed on
her fingertip, cutely, and swayed that skirt on her hips.  God, she was
cute, and innocent.  I told her I didn't have to go no more, on account of
I just went.  She giggled, and run off.  Not my type, really, another joke.
I don't have one, but something about the young ones, make it easy. 
Especially sheltered little sheep likeat, none of the others even looked.
She looked asian a little, but deeply tanned.  At first I thought she might
be Thai, or Pillypeena.  What?  That's how they say it!

   Skinny little thing, but I was back, behind the 10 foot cleared to the
fence, so I couldn't see how tall.  I walked back up front when the
handyman came to fire up the bus, and open the gate.  Like an airlock,
letting the girls board from the schoolyard, so I could be first in line
for the outer gate.  She locked that one first, then drove off with the
girls.  The youngest looked about 6, the eldest ready to graduate
high-school.  Not enough of them to split up with middleschool.  That one I
just flashed looked about 12, maybe, what I got to see of her.  Long
straight black hair swinging behind her when she skipped off, like the
skirt.

   Becky, the "Kitchen Coordinator" lets us in, and everbody else lines up
for trays.  "Hey," I follow her back to the office, "You got any razors?"
Rub my beard.

   "Chester, right?" I don't guess there's any use hiding my identity now,
eh?

   "Charley on the streets." They give out ditty bags, little hotel soap,
shampoo, disposable single blade, the lotion barters well on the street. 
Like Commissary, only I can leave.  I use the bar of soap left in the
shower for most of it.

   She asks if I want to sign up for beds, you got to volunteer, but I
looked in on what they had once, no thanks.  Bunkbeds crowded together,
almost to the ceiling and barely a footlocker between them.  Just pass the
same colds around all year long, I'll pass.  I told her I don't like a
handout, thinking I might get the run of the grounds.  Well, maybe not the
schoolyard, but access to more fence.

   I head for the bathroom, or they got a shower for the last stall. 
Dishwasher ain't even started up yet, I got plenty of hot water, and
privacy.  I usually trade the razors too, but now I think I got a reason to
take off the pubes.  They don't keep me warm, and the last thing I need is
her running back with one stuck to her sweater.  Right over the St.  Agnes
logo starting to curve out a little, on her bumps.

   And yeah, it feels nice, young in my old rough fingers.  Callousess,
these've lived, but I can still feel smooth hairless skin.  If I get half a
chance, it's like a prison, really, but I might not have to get in. 
Straight bars, too close together to pass a baby between, but I bet I could
reach through, pick up that skirt, get my pants open.

   Right out there where the Sisters could see me.  Huh, if I could get in
the cloister, then I could have fun!  Nothing doing, too soon after jacking
off, but maybe tomorrow.  I rinsed off my slick privates, and.  I'm sorry,
it this bothering you, doc?

   I grabbed a tray on the way out, took out the trash, and I mean it's
like 3 runs, 2 full lawn, and leaf bags.  I keep one, very handy.  Pretty
good food, I guess because the same kitchen fed the Nuns, and the Orphans.
Didn't know about that yet, the little portable they bunked all the girls
in, the ones that didn't go home to their families.

   I had some light, to set up camp, grab some dry wood for my can stove,
and quite a bit of moon when that came out.  Not all the way full, but
enough to scout around the schoolyard.  In the 10 cleared feet, so I
couldn't just climb a tree, and jump over.

   Lots of blind-spots, though.  Tree in the corner by the gate to the bus,
rails on the side of the building for it to roll back on.  If she could get
back there, a kind of alley with the dumpster, grease pit, a little metal
barn, pickup out front.  Avoid the light from the window, on the back of
it, up top.

   Playground stuff, can't hide behind it with girls climbing all over it
in their navy blue pleated skirts.  Around the corner, it butts to another
fence, chainlink, and out 5' of it to the end of the classrooms, the door
they went in, and out of.  Double doors behind it, probably the dining
hall, with the kitchen on the end.

   Stairs up, and I mean stone church stairs, granite instead of cement
wrought-iron railing, Agnes, and Ignatius in the windows, I guess.  Being
the patrons, and all.  Building blocks a lot on that end, without any
windows there.  The portable I took for another classroom, smelled urine
behind it.  Girl's urine.

   I can tell.  I'm half wild anyway.  A survivalist you might say.  But
just surviving is a minimum, I can smell vegans too.  I don't know how,
they just smell differ'nt, I met a lot of them.  Don't smoke, it's a waste
of lighter fluid if nothing else.  Didn't turn me on again, but I drank
more water, and pissed in the corner behind it.  There was grass there,
when most of the rest was beaten down by proper little sunday school shoes,
running around, squeeling.

   So yeah, I watched them, and her.  The skinny little Puerto Rican one
found a snake under the trailer, and chased the other girls around with it
before I could creep around to the corner.  They went back there, and peed
sometimes, but I had to stay outta sight.  She didn't tell anyone, or they
didn't make any announcement in dining hall.  I would've heard.  When she
went back there, the girls was all on the bus, and I headded back,
dissappointed.  She pulled her panties up, and dug around in it with a
stick.

   "Hey," she looked over her shoulder.  "Remember me?" From yesterday. 
She nodded, and got up, but her skirt hung down the whole time.  "Why don't
you go with the other girls?"

   She thought, "On the bus?" I nodded, "Well, they go home, but I am home.
I live here." She turned to the trailer, "In the orphanage."

   "Where you peeing?" she blushed, and looked down.  On her darkish skin,
her face just gets darker, you can't see the red.  "It's okay, I need to go
to." Drinking more lately, not alcohol, that kills your circulation, and
dehydrates you more, but her eyes go right down for the prize when I get it
out.

   It bulges in my fingers, and she giggles when it comes out, through the
fence.  She covers her mouth, but she's smiling.  Kinda ragged teeth, look
sharp, but I start to feel it stiffen anyway.  Her eyes on it, she's
staring, "You like what you see?" She looks up at me, doesn't say anything,
and looks back down.  She bites her nails too.

   "Wanna touch it?" I let go, and push it through the bars.  It's standing
up big, and proud by then, and she doesn't say anything, just touches it.
Man, her fingers feel awesome, and she uses both of them.  Thumbs together
underneath, they slipped off the first time, so I had to show her how to
pump it.

   "I think I can squeeze out a little more..." I move her hands, and time
the spurts, so it looks like I'm pinching it out.  She giggles the whole
time, but I aim away from her.  "Holy ground, Mcloed!" Hehaha!  That's from
Highlander.  I don't fucking care about their holy ground, and all the piss
back in the corner.

   Dr.  Santiago

   "She told you her name?" I wasn't even supposed to be here, signed on as
a Visitor, but they caught him.  Call it research, for a book, probably
won't write off any expenses.  My Unicorn, actually they're depressingly
common, but I can't comprehend the mindset.

   "Gloria," he grinned, and huffed.  What passes for a sigh, dropped to a
gruff grunt.  "I consider it a judge of character how long I can talk to
someone without exchanging names." Arrogant, you don't have to be a
narcissist, but it does seem to help.  I pace back, want a cigarette, don't
take out my glasses.  No sign of weakness, like that exasperated sigh, get
him talking about that again, his Impulses.

   "You read any of my book?" He shrugs, and grins.

   "Nah, just looked at the pictures, and jerked off." I just can't hide my
distaste.  He disgusts me.  "You as a boy, family photos," the quickest way
into someone's mind is to let him into mine.  I'm secure, and he'd get lost
anyway.  The best way to manipulate a manipulator is to make them think
they won.  "The nude."

   Tasteful, I turned on my heel at the corner.  "It represents my self
image." Full frontal, half rear in front of the mirror.  Asexual, but with
no denial, and a reflection I could accept.  Layed bare to my eyes, "I knew
what you'd do with it." I objectify myself, it was my Objective once.

   Right, competitive, alpha-male displays, but readily submits to a woman.
Or superficially affects it.  "Sit," he doesn't stop.  I catch his forearm,
backstep, turn, and catch his shoulder.  He stumbles, overcomitted so I can
push him down.  In an 6x8 holding cell, unfortunately there's a wall in the
way, or a door.

   "Now you'll never get those cuffs off." The guard comes, and I hold my
hand up to the window with imbedded chicken-wire.  "You want to relax, or
hurt yourself some more?" I backed in front of the bed.  He didn't check
the window, so I faked left, twisted back right, and cleared the bed.  He
came to rest on it without touching me, and I blocked the door, my hand up.

   "We're okay in here," I hit the intercom, "He's just a slow learner." I
never took my eye off him.  "Relax, calm down." He rubs his shoulder, and
stares at my shoes.  I didn't bring anything in with me, he could use as a
weapon.  Probably can't figure out how I can do the footwork in these
heels. "I don't have to come back." Wave to the guard to let me out.  I've
got to get out of these pants.

   Gloria {?M NS.}

   I didn't know why, but it's so neat.  His worm, it's like a big worm
with lips that close over it's mouth.  "You're not Catholic." I heard about
it in class, unclean flesh, read the damned thing enough to recite it from
"In the Beginning" to end, septaguant, apochrypa, knew all the hystery,
saints, and martyrs, liturgies.  All ready to marry Jesus, couldn't wait
for it, and I wasn't even old enough to participate in Confession yet.  We
had that lesson, in sunday class, had to go through the rite with another
priest in training.

   "Forgive me father, for I have sinned, and I got my period." The girls
laughed, I didn't say anything about Charley.  I knew, he told me if we got
caught I'd never see him again, and I wanted to run away with him, as soon
as I was big enough to climb over the bars.  They bend out on top, but
they're sharp.  Not like spears, but points.  He told me about Prison, and
I could relate to that.  I told him about being an orphan, he didn't care
about the girls, and sometimes we just talked.

   The sisters say my parents were deported back to Honduras, but since
they proved over a year residence, I could be a citizen.  They say they
didn't want to take me back, raise me in poverty.  I want to learn Spanish,
thought about doing a Mission down there, but really it was anything to get
out of there.  I knew every blade of grass, I could draw you the railing up
to the sanctuary where Ruth backed into it.

   I kept coming back, it fascinated me, because I never really had a
chance to see a boy before.  Sometimes on field-trips, but even when we
stopped for burgers, they brought it on the bus so we could eat it, and I
could sometimes see one, out the window.  The girls talked, about their
brothers, or father, or boyfriends.  Porn, they didn't ever bring any, but
they made that jerkoff sign.  Like Rochambeau, except for just Rock Rock
Rock with a hole in the middle.  I picked that up pretty quickly.

   He touched me, through the bars.  I didn't like the way it felt even
when I tried it.  Touching myself like that.  He encouraged me, said I
liked it, but it was a lie.  I just wanted to feel him.  Watch him,
grunting, and peeing.  I knew it was a hand-job, some of the girls got
boyfriends before they graduated, and talked, giggling.  I knew what it
was, but he ate it, and let me taste it.  I didn't ever give him a blowjob,
really.  But I kissed it, and licked it.  He kept it very clean for me.  I
liked the hair, but he cut it all off.  He had some on his belly, and under
his arms.  I liked his smell, he didn't stink out there, but I liked it. 
Neither alcohol, nor smoke smell, but somewhat sweaty.  I still liked it.

   I think he let me molest him, so he could molest me.  Or vice' versa, I
don't know how they're supposed to go, just that it was sinful.  And Ruth
told me, how it's all a big lie to force us to conform.  She, huh.  She
figured it out, or I told her first.  She helped me figure out that I'm a
boy, inside.  I'm not sure about transgender, or sex.  Any kind of sex, but
I don't like being a girl, or girls, even.  Um, "Ruth?" Oh yeah, tihee, she
stoned him!  Charley, when she caught us, she chased him off, and told
everyone to kick his ass if he came back.

   Huh, then she came back, and found me, crying.  She thought it was
because I was abused, but really I knew I'd never see him again.  She was
so motherly, I mean, she always ignored us before, but she found me, and
stopped me crying.  I had too tell father, and Mother Superior, she's not
that caring.  Then, she found me again, after I ran off, and said I could
come stay with her, and help her out.  She's real handy, man.  Nhnhn!  The
rumor was she, and Becky, but she has a girlfriend.  She's a lesbian," too.

   "I know."

   Oh, okay.

   Group {MGTF...  NS}

   [Rule #1: This is not a singles club.] I laughed, "You had it framed?"
She also had the schedules switched so that group was right after this, her
last appointment.

   "Have a seat."

   "I did good today, resisting an impulse?" I nodded.  Not a couch, won't
call it a Love Seat out loud, designed by some bauhaus fascists to be just
incapable of sleeping on.  Paraphrasing, but her words, not mine.

   "Mhm?" Dropped her glasses on her chest.  Chewed arms, granny points,
mock turtle shell.  Hair done up behind her, Dr.  Maud.

   "Huh, prostitots," roll my eyes, "What're you gonna do?"

   "Nothing," of course.

   "Well, I ran and jerked off someplace semi-private but I didn't take her
with me.  Had a bowl to smoke her down, though." What?  It helps me think.
She agrees, I'm worse without it.

   "I need your help with a new girl, diagnosis."

   "I'm not a doctor, doc."

   She rolls her eyes, "Don't do anything to her, but get your impression.
She believes she's transgender, but I'm not certain.  Huh, the problem is
she has no male image.  Whatsoever, you're a mystery her.  Which makes her
vulnerable, but she doesn't have a masculine bone in her body, and I want
to keep it that way.  She doesn't have any friends, nor frame of reference,
so she can't form a masculine image.  And ask me,"

   "Don't assume," I nod.  Probably going to be rule #2.

   "Before you do anything." she holds up a finger.  I hold up 2, together.
She gets it.

   "Can I get a smoke from you?" She glares, but I follow her out.  She
hands me one.

   I looked her in the eyes, but inside the point of focus with the glasses
off.  Reading glasses, really, but they make her look older, less masculine
somehow.  Not a drag-queen, but thought she was for a while.  I didn't kiss
her, but really felt like it.  She stepped back on those heels.

   Flamenco, and other kinds of salsa dance I don't know nothing about. 
Stilettos like axels, I probably couldn't brush her arm with my fingertips
out here if she didn't let me.  Like some kind of Espanyophile ninja. 
Pathologically incapable of violence, but incredibly capable of avoiding
it. Oh, and some Aikido, don't let her grab your arm.

   They started showing up, the regulars anyway, and I smelled smoke,
clinging to their clothes.  Out front, I found one of Doc's menthol
ultralight superslim 120s that missed the can full of water, and wet butts.
Ripped off the half of the filter with her lipstick on it, and lit up. 
Nice evening, less than an hour after twilight, I wonder again if she
sleeps.

   That's new, or they are, lesbian couple, can't be related.  Big butch,
and a little girl she would probably kill before letting go of.  Tall 13yo,
or young underdeveloped 15?  So, about 14.

   "Take a picture, it'll last longer." Right.  Cover it with a drag. 
Auooooooo!  Looked hispanic, I think.  Cute!

   So, Maud.  I'm so not hir type.  I read hir book, she hides him in her,
says it like that, when she pronouces hirself in the pronoun, third person.
Doesn't come up much, but can be taken either way.  Sexually oppressed,
asexual, and surrounded by this hypersexualized culture.  Hates the media,
feels persecuted by it.  Unobtainable, which makes it so hot, I'll probably
run into another shemale at some point.

   Head back down, flip the butt off to the trashcans.  Missed the opening,
good.  Maud doesn't lead, she needed people to talk to, rented the
timeslot, and it happened to be a church basement.  Presbyterian, if it
matters.  Walk around to the coffee pot, wrinse the cup out first, and dump
it in the trashcan.  Her eyes follow me, so I untuck my shirt, blow off
some steam, and fan my midriff on my way around to the empty chair.

   The bulldagger's off in the corner with Maud, who keeps an ear on us. 
"I'm 'Bert," I missed the roundtable rollcall, we can be anonymous if we
like, but I thought I'd be friendly.  Wow, that heavylez has one hell of a
stinkeye.

   "Larry," she kind of holds her hand up, doesn't let go, and looks at me.
I kick back, put my leg up.

   "Since you're new here," I took a sip, and fanned my shirt.  Damn,
pants. Navy blue, not a drop of Arayan blood I could see, maybe Hawaiian?
Tanned, kind of hard to tell in the flourescent tubes' light.

   "Oh, I'm a boy inside.  Or I want to, be one when I grow up." Right,
little pipsqueek voice.  "I think I'm still asexual," she covered that with
her fingers, "Like Maud." So, 50/50 shot, with some big fucking hints, I
guessed right.

   "You just don't know how to act like a boy."

   She shook her head, and her straight black hair flopped over her
shoulders.  "I never knew any, as a child." Interesting way to put that.

   "Catholic." not quite the uniform, but still had some of the pieces.  No
skirt, or Private school logo, still wore the tie.

   She nodded, "Recovering Catholic." she pointed, "Ruth." I didn't look
back.  As in Book Of: Hm, read it.  It's a good yarn.  Momma/daughter
fantasy?  Not sure what she sees in Her.

   "What about you?" she pointed.

   "Agnostic," I shrug, "Power Assertive personality.  I went through an
antisocial phase in highschool.  Most boys do, I needed help getting out of
it.  I was lucky enough to be this charming, so I got a lot of
opportunities, to exploit.  I'm learning how not to exploit them.

   "Who?"

   "Victims." Still like that word.  "Rights end when you impose them on
others.  I'm celibate," I hold up my finger, "It's like Asexual, but I
still have the impulses." Recovering sex-addict.

   "I know," she rolls her eyes.  Cute.

   "It ain't an open mike," Ruth behind me, "eIther." Instead of saying it
"Either."

   Right, I got up for some more coffee, and to let someone else talk. 
Maud holds up a cigarette, so I take it.

   "Larry." {GM NS}

   The other people talked about themselves, but it's confidential.  I can
talk about me, and Maud's an open book.  I can grab another copy from her
office if you want to read it.  She had a box at home, but I was still
sleeping with Maud, in the bunkbeds over her garage at that point.

   "You smoke?" He held it out.  I wrinkled my nose.

   "No, but I like it." Ruth started smoking, again.  She told me, but I
saw her some nights, through the window in the portable, and then when she
got up at night.  She couldn't sleep sometimes.

   "Mh?" I forgot he was there.  "You two,"

   "No!" I laugh, "I'm too young, and I'm a boy!" I punch his arm.

   "Huha!" he breathes out smoke, and I giggle.

   "You're the first Girl2Man I ever met, but you ever think about what you
want to, have done?"

   "All the time," Huhah!  "It's like a catalog, but Dr.  Maud cautions me
to be realistic about the limitations." It's weird, for once hearing all
these dangling participles.  Private school.  "I want to fuck."

   "You mean," He thinks about how to put this, "Be inside someone else?"

   "I dom't kmow," Nod, "If I'll ever be big enough for that.  I can't
start Hormones until I get officially diagnosed, and then I have to
surpress hers first."

   "What was her name?" I start to ask, "The girl you used to be?"

   "Uh," I have to recall, "Gloria?" Don't like that name.

   "Huhah!  Well I like Larry," He pats my shoulder, "It suits you." Or,
the little part where it sticks out, on that side.  Not much to work with,
yet.  "This is an exiting time.  When you're young, and have all the
possibilities ahead of you."

   "Yeah, Dr.  Maud says that's why she does this.  It's the best time, for
her to help us discover ourselves."

   "I know," He flips off the butt.  "She told me too.  I think that's her
Emotional Release, picking apart the problem, until the truth pops out, or
hatches, or whatever.  What do I know from metaphors?"

   Maud {TM MC NS}

   I point to the sign, the now posted Rule he missed my explanation of. 
He knows, it's his rule, but sometimes you have to reinforce these things.
I meet him at the coffee pot.  "What do you think?" He doesn't touch the
one with the Sanka orange ring around the spout.

   "She's sincere," a shrug, "Keep digging him outta there, I guess.  I saw
him peeking out a little."

   "You busy tonight?" cleared my schedule.  I sniffed, pulled out a smoke.
"You didn't," look around.  Wouldn't finish it anyway.

   "Exploit her?" Out of earshot, "I see what you mean, but no, didn't even
feel the impulse to." He looked me in the eyes, but inside my point of
focus.  "I don't want anyone to take advantage of her, either."

   "Hem," I nod.  Locking up once the lights are out, Ruth pulls her arm
out.  I give him a ride, "You guys want to just follow me?"

   They get in the beat up white pickup.  I don't think that convent is a
productive environment for them.  Too repressive.

   Larry {G-t Solo Fant M Mole}

   "Huh!" Cant sleep.  Dr.  Maud sleeps downstairs, all her clothes kicked
in the corner.  So, I kick off the blankets, and get up.  She's got a
mirror on her closet door, and one on the dresser.  I think about him,
Bert. "I don't like Hubert, and I hate Huey."

   "Okay, 'Bert!" ~Ernie.  Doesn't look like, anybody, really.  He's tall,
and lean, and hard with muscle.  And hairy, I saw some on his tummy, when
he flapped his shirt like this.  I don't have any tummy, since I lost my
babyfat.  His is all ripply like Jesus.  I used to be ashamed of thinking
that, about His loincloth, and what he had under it.  No idea, circumcised
certainly, not at all like Charley.

   What about Bert?  I want to see a clean one, at least once.  I don't
know what I'd like better.  I have some skin, I guess, and my shorts puff
out in front on my knuckles when I pull on it.  I stick my fingers out, so
they pitch a tent, like when I went camping with Aunti Ruth.  She called
herself that, a couple of times.  I want muscles, that bulge out under the
short sleeves of his teeshirt like that.

   Turn around and look at my back.  If I open the closet, and tilt the
mirror on the dresser, I can look down on it.  Boney, I can see my
scapulae, and the ends of some ribs out the sides.  Even through the shirt,
I reach back and pull it tight to flatten my chest.  It's still too fat,
and round, I can't wait for those test to come back, so I can start turning
off my hormones.  I better do that soon, I hope I don't need a mastectomy.
The look on Dr.  Maud's face when she said it, I don't want to know.

   Crack the door.  They're still out, sitting on the couch, talking to
each other.  Too low to hear, but if I open it any wider, they'd see me
sneaking out.  Next to the stairs, but there's another door in the
bathroom. To the kitchen, or the little hall with the washer, drier, and
the back of the stairs sloping up the ceiling.  "Huh!" Go back, listening.
Dr.  Maud gets up, in her stocking feet, and walks out to the patio.  Ruth
follows her, and I'm around the wall to the stairs while her back is
turned. The lighter flashes through the patio doors, and Ruth starts
pulling it closed.

   'Bert {GM Nude Hand NS}

   Hm?  Hard enough sleeping with a hardon without tight tiny fingers on
it. Through the sheet, I usually sleep naked, but wore the shorts because
it's not my place.

   She pets my chest, and I pretend to still be asleep.  Can't help my
breathing, don't do anything, this isn't just a dream, but remarkably
similar to the one before it.  Only instead of a bunch of girls jerking off
around me, it was just one, standing over me.  In a pair of boxers, and a
wife-beater, and touching me.  All right, what do I really need to do?

   "Hn." out my nose.  Her fingertips brushed my lips.  She felt my
mustache, it's still growing, but if it's anything like my pop's, it wasn't
done.  I don't think he cared if I was asleep, but little girls just don't
do shit like this.  It's surreal, I literally pinch my thigh, and pull out
a couple hairs before she pulls the sheet down.

   "Oh," she sighs, and plays with my chest hairs.  Then my nipples, her
other hand robotically rubbing me through my pants.  Glance down, don't see
any tenting, but she's turned away, slipping down my waistband.  She grips
it, pulls the skin until it bunches around the neck, and bends over.  "Hn."
I feel her breath on my pubes, and abs.  She rubs those too, both hands,
and runs out.  I jerk off quick before I get blueballs.

   "Larry!?" Sounds like Ruth went after her, and the door slams below me.

   "Huh!" I get up, and pull some pants on.  "Can I get a smoke?" I ask
Maud, and she hands hers over.  I don't mind the lipstick.

   "Huh, what'd you do?" I could Hear her roll her eyes.

   "Nothing," I shook my head, and blew out a drag.  Really had to suck
these things with the filter on, but my heart was pounding anyway.  "I was
asleep, she came up, and molested me."

   ...

   I looked at her, "I know!  You know I know what that feels like?  Right,
well it wasn't even sexual.  Felt more, huh.  Foreskin check?" If I'd had
one, it would have wrinkled over the end in her grip.  "Huhah!  I didn't
flashback or anything," I took a drag, and my neck prickled.  "Huh!"
Different when it's a girl.

   Larry {CtNM Hand}

   "Catholic girls give the best handjobs." ~Charley.

   "Huhah?" I looked up.  I get my own room, sure it's just a mattress on
the floor, and my bag of clothes thrown in the corner.  I get my own
closet! "Catholic boys too," he reaches up to feel the back of my head. 
The short hairs prickle under his fingers.  "More practice." He hangs his
hand on my shoulder, and I feel the hairs on his chest.  Mostly in the
middle, but his tummy.  They're all over, I curl the ones around his belly
button with my fingertips.

   "Nhn!" It's not an outy, but it curls up in the little trench down the
middle, between the corners.  Like bricks, but firm, and warm.  "Jesus
abs."

   "Nhmh?" he giggles, and I cover my mouth.  Feel up the side, where the
spear didn't go in, there's no strip of gore down it.  No loincloth,
neither.  It's dirty, but I like this kind of dirty, like a worm floating
out of the grass.  When it rains, I tried to get them to do that with pee,
but I didn't find any.  I sniffed my fingertips, and rubbed them in the
thickest fur again.  "Perv!" I smile on my fingertips.

   "Uhn!" It pees up on his tummy, and clings to his hairs.  I didn't
notice Charley's smell until I missed it.  Bert smells even better, I want
to smell like that some day.  I stir my fingers in his hair, and lick them
off.  He tastes nice too.  "Um," he kind of grunts a lot.

   "Hm?" He pulls on his shirt.

   "How do you feel, about, doing that?" Jerking off?  "Do you play with
yourself, and think about it?"

   "I don't," like.  "Any more." I didn't know he was abusing me, really,
or what that ment, honestly.

   "But you get emotional release." He sat up, and turned his legs.

   So, "Huh!" I sat on the corner, and he held my shoulders.  I squirmed a
little to get comfortable.  "When you," finish.  "I feel very nice." just
talking about it, "Huh, it feels relaxed, dreamy."

   "Mhm?" He rubs my back, so I sit up.  He has such big strong hands.

   "Well you need to learn, to enjoy your body, and get pleasure from it.
Otherwise, you'll never be able to show anyone else."

   "Huh," that makes sense, "I never thought about it that way."

   He gets in the shower, so I go out and walk around the yard.  It's a
nice day, and some kids walk down the road.  "You smoke?" I never seen kids
smoke before.

   "Want one?" He puts his skateboard down on the dirt, and shakes his
bangs out of his face.  I've never talked to a boy with bangs before,
either.  Nor have smoked before, but I got it lit, and tasted it.  I blew
it out, and coughed anyway.  The girls giggled.

   "Where you guys going?"

   "There's some BMX trails down there, in the arroyo."

   "What's that?"

   "It's like a river, but it's dry now."

   "Oh," I thought.  Sounded Spanish.

   "You gonna smoke that?" One of the girls takes it from me.

   "Where you from?" He starts walking.

   I cough, "Uh, St.  Agnes."

   "Is that a island?" An.

   I catch up, "Kinda." Wipe my bangs out of my face.

   Baby Plays Around {Elvis Costello (Spike)}

   "Hnnn!" The smoke billows around my face, so I turn, pace back, feel the
sun heating my shoulders.  Shrug, drag the chaise around to between the
shadows of trees.  High, and growing together above the fence, not that I
had many neighbors, close, and home this time of afternoon.

   "Huh!" Walk back to the grill pit, pull out the loose brick over the
cinder-block.  Little rusted tin, and a hash pipe.  Well, it would have
been, back in my day, unscrew the top, and "PHT!" Shit, there went the
screen, tamp it back in, he's getting low.  He's got a card, not me, but
it's technically legal here now.  {Somewhere in Colorado.} Still don't want
it in my house.

   "KHCH!" Snort, and cough.  "Okay!" That's enough.  It doesn't help me
think, I don't want to think right now, but.  Butt...

   I went, and fucked 'Bert.  "Huh!" Now I can lie down, close my eyes,
"Mhhhhh." God, either it wasn't this potent back in the Maui Wowie days, or
I had absolutely no tolerance after...  Math, "Fuck it."

   "Uh!" jumped, a paranoid now.  I pull up the towel, over where he's
looking, and my face feels even hotter.

   "Sorry," I roll over, "You got any cigarettes."

   "Hehah!" Yeah, buming smokes from the kids, but the 3 I just smoked,
down to the filter just whern't doing it.  I gripped the filter like a
nipple, "PBT!" Tore off half the paper.  Don't remember what I said to get
rid of him, just dropped the towel, moved my hair, and turned over to get
my back.

   One nice thing about taking a break is I have more time for things like
this, and Hubert.

   .

   .

   Larry {tMT Nude...}

   I pop the garage door, and stand up my bike.  I don't know if I can,
ever do all those jumps, and backflips, and tail-whips.  I almost got one
today, flatland, with the front brake but I didn't land it.

   Went through the back of the garage, they have an ash tray on the patio,
and I don't like just flipping them off.  It could start a fire.  "Uh!" I
hold my hand up.  Maud's tanning, nude.  Also, a lot of privacy back there.
She pulls her towel over.

   "Hubert's here," she squinted up, and shaded hir eyes.  "I think he went
to take a shower."

   I went in, heard it through the kitchen, the doors were open.  "HEY!" I
called over the curtain, "Save me some hot water." He bent over, behind the
drops running down the clear plastic sheet.  He pulled the faucet, so it
dumped in the tub, and dropped the plug in.

   CH!

   He got out, grabbed a towel.  I dropped my shorts, and shirt, started
getting out of the orthotics.  Followed him back, threw my clothes on his,
so he could wad up the bedding.  Sniffed.

   "D'you," I rubbed my nose.  "With?" He looked out back, "Maud?" I ran
back to turn off the water.

   "Huh." 'she would stick me with this,' On the inhale, "Look, our
relationship isn't about sex, but." I looked up, he got it, and nodded. 
"Okay, Ruth's out camping."

   "Right?" I sat on the edge, and swum the water around with my hand.

   "Because she's not satisfied by some aspects of their relationship.  She
has needs, and Maud can't offer, all of them physically." I nod, and wipe
the gritty sweat off my face.

   "You mind?" I turn around, and get in the water, while it's still warm.
He comes around to the kitchen door.

   "Well, Maud needed something Ruth couldn't, Huh." He shook his head,
"Nor you, Amber, Meghan," the new girls in Group, "Huh, and it happened to
line up with what I can't do for you."

   "What's that?" I splashed my pits, and.

   "Anal."

   "Okay?" I shook my head.

   "You wanna talk about it?" He had my answer, so I scooted back, and got
my hair wet.  Okay, you can still breathe like this, and think.  I sat up,
"No, actually how did that work out?"

   "Actually," he thought, ...  Grinned.  "Not bad, okay what do you
actually want to hear about?" He pulled on his pants.

   "You."

   "Fucked her," he nodded, and sat on the toilet.

   "Okay?" Soap.  "Kinda convenient doing this in the tub."

   "Huha!  Right?"

   "Heh, yeah." Um, "Do you, like?" ...  Not even going to hazard a guess.
Gonna make me, "Being fucked?"

   "I have," he chucked his head to the side.  Not a nod, or a shake, about
half of both I'm going to interpret as a maybe.  "If it hurts, you're doing
it wrong.  Lots of lube, and patience.  It helps to have gloves, and know
that it can all go horribly wrong.  It's complicated." And he loves, that.

   "I don't know if I could try that." I have to think.

   "Which?"

   "I don't know." Fucking, or being fucked.  I have to try it some time, I
get, or them, but which one first?  "I'll get back to you about that." Not
like a girl, but like a fag.  I think that's what I might be like.  It
doesn't even sound bad, "Fag!" the way I say it.

   "Hehah!"

   Hubert {bF Ince}

   My momma.  Huh.  I was an only child, single mom, and she "Loved her
little boy." She always told me how handsome I'll be, a "Lady Killer." Uh,
I don't want to be likeat.  But she groomed me, for years.  Didn't date,
she worked part time, during school hours.  About all she ever said about
my father is I "Look just like him!" Huh.  Did I mention she's also nuckin
futs?  Didn't diagnose her until she got arrested, and shipped off to the
funny farm.

   I don't remember The Talk.  Sex talk, birds and bees other than being
raised in a pervasively sexual environment.  "Harassment." Yeah.  Subtle,
loving, affectionate, I couldn't.  I wasn't sexual, for years, but casual
nudity, extremely adult talk, she nursed me long enough to remember,
vaguely.  I had already learned the potty.  Still gave me baths.

   "It's all right." Thanks.  Rub his hand on my shoulder.

   I always knew, more about sex than any of the other kids.  How women
masturbate, how guys did it, though I couldn't finish.  How men, and women
have sex, and where babies come from.  I could teach sex-ed, in grade
school, and I kept wetting the bed.  Maud said it might have been a
defensive reflex, from mom coming in to "Tuck me in." I got hard, in my
sleep, all boys do.  She took advantage of it.  I had my own room, you know
how kids run into their parents when they have a Nightmare?"

   "I've heard."

   "Yeah, well so did I.  I never did that, 'cause mom was the nitemare. 
Then I started growing up.  She started fucking me, as soon as i was able,
and.  Huh, she encouraged me.  To find friends.  Up until then she was my
whole world, but she wanted me to go out, and find a woman, a nice girl to
marry, and make happy.

   She told me how to talk to them, what to say, and whenever there was a
comeback, I'd run back to her, and she'd tell me the come-back to it. 
Tried it, talking to girls, but they weren't like hHer.  Uh, damn it. 
Thought I was past all this, in therapy."

   "You're never done." More than gentle rubbing, almost deep tissue
massage, but for the lack of experience.  "Go on."

   "I found boys, easier to talk to.  I knew right what to do, and there
were some older ones, to take advantage of.  She showed me what to look
for, didn't call it Weakness, or Vunlerability, but shy lonely boys that
acted out.  I found, John." He understood, confidentiality.  "He was gay,
and I didn't have a concept yet, wasn't her fantasy, but I saw him looking.
Not at me, but some of the same guys, big athletic, grown.  Oh, and he was
a couple years older than me, and bullied a lot.  Closeted, nobody knew, or
they called him "Fag" just like anybody else.  They didn't have
Metrosexual, that's a rather new thing.  Gay was like Richard Simmons, or.
Huh, sorry.  Uh, Elton John?"

   "Mhm?" Cultural references, he knows Sesame Street.  Or she, I guess,
barely starting her Year, but allowed to surpress her hormones.  "Hn!  What
was it like?"

   "Sex?" I assumed, "It was all weird, and awkward.  To start, neither of
us knew how to kiss, but we could jerk off.  Together, to each other, each
other.  We took it kind of slow, figuring it out.  In secret, hid from
everyone else, he was.  Ahem!  Uh sorry.  They, beat him to death, when
they found out.

   But I loved him, we loved each other, and we figured it out.  He was
very anal.  He got good with his mouth and his hands too, we kept at it,
well had to be about 5 years, but that's what he liked.  He was receptive,
it got him off.  Not like a man, like a girl, he didn't even get hard or,
pee as you call it."

   She stifled a giggle.  "Do you like it?"

   "I like sex," I turned back, saw him in her face.  Even under the bangs,
I brushed them back, tucked them behind his ear.  "Any kind of sex, I'm not
fixated on 1."

   "D'you mind," she looked down, "Uh.  I can't."

   "You only have to ask." Still naked from the tub, she had her knees up,
but let them down to the sides.  16, I have to remind myself.  He's sixteen
when she feels, she makes me feel like a pedophile.  "Damn," I shook my
head, "Huh, I'm gonna have to talk to Maud." I get up, and grab my pants.

   I lit up, "Uh!" she held out her hand, but covered herself with the
towel.  On her front, folding chaise flattedend out.  I have a seat.  I
handed her mine, and lit another.

   "You out?"

   She shook her head.  "Needed something stronger," blew out a big drag
from her nose.  "Thank you," she reached out to stop my tapping foot, and
her chest flopped under her.  "I don't think we need to, do that again, if
you don't mind.  I'm going back on my meds," and stopping the erectile
assistance.  Gynegines, chemical neuter.

   "I huh," I roll my eyes, "Larry wants me to touch her."

   "Oh?" she sits up, and tucks the towel.  Legs crossed, didn't see
nothing I hadn't, before.  "You didn't."

   "I couldn't." My voice cracked like 13yolds!  "Ugh!" spat, "I tried but
she's still so,"

   "We know," curt nod, "Are you sure you can handle this, or do you think
you should stop?"

   "I don't know," sniff, "I huh.  I had a flashback too.  To momma.  Nh!"

   "Oh, there there." I'm not sure this was helping.

   "Don't," I pushed her arms off, "Sorry, just.  Can you leave me alone
for a while?" I went and pulled out my stash, packed my little mini-pipe, I
needed to think.

   Maud {Tt NS}

   "Uh!" o7 "Can you at least let me get some clothes on?" He doesn't mind,
waits for me to come back out to the living room, fixing up my hair.  I
could have taken a lot longer, but I just went with underwear in the robe.
"Huh," I took a seat.

   "I don't feel, desirable."

   "Look, I talked to Hubert, and.  We didn't want to hurt you, it's not an
ongoing thing, but."

   "You needed it." Huh!  "I know but, he won't touch me.  He never does,
and he barely looked at me."

   "He has issues too.  Beneath that rough strong," Okay, stop there,
"Grown up exterior, he's really still got a scared little boy inside."

   "He told me about his mother," his head tilts.  Kind of falling to the
side, to shake something loose.

   "No frame of reference?" She shakes her head, confused.  "The sexual
phase, where he grew up enough to start participating." I looked out,
"You're not smoking, drugs are you?  You haven't had any peer-pressure?"

   "Uh uh," she lied.  I gave her the looks, "I don't want to get my
friends in trouble, but yeah, some of them smoke weed, or drink, or
whatever.  I'm straightedge, they understand that.  No, not like cutting,
you know, like Minor Threat?  Uh, 'Don't smoke, don't drink, don't fuck...
At least I can fucking think!'" Must be one of those Oy Oy bands.  "But
none of them," she squirms, "They like me, but they don't like, Like like
me." She thinks, probably grammatical correction.  "Yeah, they know.  I
told them, kind of had to on account of her, body.  It's cool with them,
but."

   "There's this boy?"

   "Curtis," violins, and piano.

   "You have to understand that, out there is not as." Okay, processing,
"It's sexualized, but asexual, at that age.  You have all this,
advertisement, and music videos, but they tap into sex to subliminally
associate their product with Pleasure, but it's not, actual sex." She nods,
"However, never mind, tell me about this Curtis."

   "He smokes," got that.  She's started, and I can't really tell her it's
wrong.  Illegal mind you, but lots of kids smoke at that age.  Filthy
habit. "But he's so, sensitive, and caring.  I think Bert called it
Metrosexual?"

   "I don't understand Emo." My main mental block is I don't understand men
that well, and the more extreme they get the less comprehensible.  "But
would you say like a girl?"

   "No," distaste, "Well." Chews her lip.  "Okay, you know how you say that
a person isn't a whole, but made up of all these aspects?"

   "Gestalt." German's not her best language, but with the way she picks
up, and mimics idioms, I'm starting to suspect some sort of lingual
prodigy. Especially considering how sheltered she was.

   "Well yah!" she giggles, "I guess he is, feminine in the emotional
aspect."

   "And you like that."

   Sigh, "He doesn't, scare me.  He's not all big, and aggressive, and he's
real good on skateboards.  I guess that's yeah, he's graceful, I just want
to sit and watch him at the skate park, forever."

   "And you dream of growing up like him?"

   "Oh, he's younger, 13." She shakes her head.  "I don't know, I guess."
Shrugs, "Only I want to be that good at BMX.  I want to be more like Bert."
Swallow my fear.  "Physically, but I think I want to be a Faag?" He
enunciated it.  Deeper voice, but not gruff, like a lilt, or the end of a
question.  "Nh!  How does that work?"

   "I don't know," I reached out, but didn't touch her.  "We'll figure it
out.

   o7 What I get for bringing my work home with me.  I just hate living in
an empty house.  I should get an apartment, my savings were running out
fast.  Good Talk!

   Ruth {Ft???}

   "Huh!" Feels about right.  Wipe the curls off my forehead, and set down
my pipe.  Pick up the hot wire, and look at it, while it builds up
resistance.  Careful now, pull it through the wax as perpendicular, and
ironically straight as possible.  "Ha!" Laugh, and catch it in my lap
before it's damaged.  Catch my breath and get the hand drill.  I better
wait for my hands to stop shaking before I set the peg.  This is the part I
keep fucking up.

   I turn, "Oh hey, Larry." And bite my lip.  He sniffs, shrugs, and gets
out a pack of Jr.  Lights.  Roll my eyes.

   "Working?" He flops down.  Giggles, "Tools." At the thing in my hand.  I
set down the bit.

   "It helps me think."

   "Is that," I hold it up, "Maud's?" Now, when did she he see that? 
"Tanning." Right.  I know it's pretty private out there, but can't she
afford a booth?  Take it up to the spare room or something, I'd move the
weight-bench.

   "Huh," set it up on the table.  "Based on it, she's circumcized, by the
way." Dry my palms on my skirt.

   "But you're gay, and" I'm not finishing that one for him, "How does that
work?"

   "I identified as gay, a long time ago.  I'm beginning to realize I'm
not, narrow.  Huh, okay, I guess that was my closet as much as anything, I
hated men, so it really pissed me off whenever I did anything with one. 
Maud's." Sigh, "Complicated." Blink, "Uhm, I don't know about your frame of
reference but, it's unique.  Feminine in a way." I look back at it,
standing up on the battered smoke scarred coffee table.  "I don't know what
I want," hopefully I will when I see it.  "You still."

   "A virgin?" She nods, excitedly.  "I think I'm a fag, and I'm thinking
about," she glances nervously over at the wax figure.

   .

   .

   "Dicks?" She shakes her head, and holds her lips together.  Doesn't
bite, or cover it up, just can't say it.  "Fucking?"

   "Anal." She nods.

   I blink, look back, shake my head, look back.  "Hehah!  That's uh,
that's not finished yet." Might even snap off deeper than I hollowed it out
for the peg.  'Your one stop shop for all your ladyspaces' needs!' My
younger voice laughed in my head.  "So," I looked back, "What would you
like?"

   Group {TFfI?...  NS}

   I shifted, and adjusted the placement of my orthotic, when nobody was
looking.  It's not like I am the center of attention, unless I'm talking,
but with Amber there, let's just say she makes it easier.

   "...Nymphomaniac," she giggles.

   "Meghan, urhm.  Lesbian." That's not a sexual disorder, but with
culture, and society, it can underpin some complexes.  Maybe I do want to
be a psychiatrist, I see now why Maud likes it.  She's shy, lets her
girlfriend talk for her, finish her sentences, hides behind her hair, I
push mine out of my eyes.

   "Hm," I ignore the roundtable, until it comes around to me.  Plain jane
shoes, shorts, teeshirt, kind of a bowl-cut.  Tall, with big hands, and
feet, I knew from her first visits, before she brought in Amber, it was
Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia.  Hormones, when she was still a foetus,
Aldosterone.  Not that she talked much then, either, I don't think she
likes people looking at her.

   "Huha!" Amber's got a stinkeye, but she needs to work on it.  I look
right back.  "I'm Larry," Sit back, put my foot up, spread my arms across
the back of the chair.  "Gender Disphoric Disorder." Play off rubbing the
little sprouts over my lip.  Still not used to talking about it in public.
Someone else, sure, one-on one so I can explain it better, "It's
complicated."

   My face heats up, and someone else's talking, so I go out for a break.
I'm not addicted, but sometimes it helps my nerves.  Why were my hands
shaking, she just looked at me.  She's Lust, I get that.  I'm still
sexualizing, mostly a virgin technically, and her unabashed.  She talks
about all these abuses, but nothing like any victim I'd ever seen.  So
gleeful, and, I don't know, maybe I can ride back with Maud, and talk about
it.  Bert's there, again, he's...

   He's the wolf, I can see it.  Howling inside, behind his eyes.  I can't
even explain how it looks, but he's Lust, too.

   "Hey," I jump, "Spare a cigarette?" She bends over, holding it in her
lips until I light it.  "Thenks!" Thanks.  "Larry, right?  I'm Amber." I
don't take her hand.  "It's okay, your shy.  I got over it with Meghan, but
I really need to talk to you."

   "What about?" I shake my head.

   "You really feel like a boy inside, right?"

   I nod, "Always did, even before I knew what boys were like." She's heard
my expurgated story, maybe her 3rd meeting?  I mostly focused on my
progress now, in group, and if I had any problems, "Have you talked to
Maud?"

   "She wouldn't understand, uh." You'd be surprised, "And I'm not really a
therapy type." She looks down.  "What does it feel like?"

   "Dysphoria?" She's bright, but not well read, "It's mostly
uncomfortable, you look down, and nothing's quite right about your body. 
This sticks out, or that sticks in, you don't seem to have any issues with
your body?"

   "No, I hate it." She took a drag, and turned away.  But she was grinning
when she turned back, "Everyone else seems to love it, which means I get a
lot of, opportunities to not say no." That was her problem, she doesn't
have sex, nor really enjoy it, but she's essentially a pathological victim.
"What do the hormones feel like?" She stepped forward, and her voice
dropped, so I stepped back.

   "Uh!" I thought, "I felt, weird, when I started getting, the
ladyhormones." I blushed, "I guess the treatments make me feel normal, or
more normal.  Closer to my norm," whatever that is, still working that out.

   "And your growth," she looks around for privacy, but it's right out
behind the church, almost to the rolling trashcans.  She flips off her
butt, but the big tree up the enbankment is an oak, I think.  Not a lot of
leaves around the roots, even without home-bums to rake them for a night in
a shelter, shake my head.  "Uh," I don't know the words.

   "You think I can get some hormones," I backed up against the trashcans.
"Can I see?" She's just so overwhelming.  Shorter than me, but
meta-feminine.  Oversexualized, bouncy, especially in the chest, and her
strawberry blondish curls.  Almost brown, really, especially in this light.

   "Uh," I look down, she has green eyes.  "You have to be diagnosed, and
live as a man for a year, to qualify.  Talk to Maud."

   "Come on, just a peek." her hands on my belt, "You don't mind?" I close
my eyes, shake my head no, but i can't say it.  "Hm!" She just holds my
orthotic down, and brushes my privates, with her fingertip.  So, i push her
hands out of the way, and run, holding up my pants.  I hear her giggle
behind me, the orthotic bounces out, and I have to go back to grab it.  I
don't cry, but why do i even feel like it, what's wrong with me?

   Gloria {FG Mole}

   "Uh!" How could I forget that?  I just ran, crying, almost blind until I
found myself in the little park behind the church.  Presbyterian, but I
didn't even look up to see the trees, blocking the light from the
streetlamps, hear the cars driving by intermittently.

   Larry, who the fuck is Larry?  I could almost feel the fence, closing
around me, the corrugated steel walls, the legs of the bunkbed.  The cold
ladder, digging into my back.  It was like deja-vous, but I'd never been in
this park at night before, after being molested, by a little girl by the
trashcans.  We were warned about triggers, flashbacks, I'd even warned new
members myself, assuming I had nothing to flash-back to, but then I felt
her shadow over me.

   Shrinking back, into the corner, hugging my knees, but there was no way
to cover it up.  Her fingers wormed in, behind my heels, into my ladyspace.
She touched me, god damn it she Touched me!  How could I forget that?  She
felt my, "Nh!" No, stop, please god stop.  I don't like it.  But it didn't
hurt.  She didn't hurt me, but why did it feel so bad?  It never felt that
bad, even Charley, I let him, so I could.

   "uhuhuhuh!"

   Dr.  Santiago {FG Mole.  TF Psyc}

   "Are you all right?" She looked like she was going to cry, again.  "Go
ahead, and have a seat," I took the chair.

   "Where's Ruth?" He looked around.  Even with the orthotic underclothes,
I keep having to remind myself.

   "She had a date."

   "But I thought," She looked confused.

   "Huh!" Hard to compartmentalize when I live with her, in my own living
room, and there's this whole maternal love triangle going on.  I have a
moment to think, about it again, while he tries not to cry.  "She's a
lesbian," he nods, "And I, oh, I'm not capable of giving everything she
needs."

   "You mean your, her, nh?" His eyes tighten, "Nhmhmhm!" And her shoulders
shake.

   "What happened?" Patience, but it was getting harder to just analyse
with all these feelings.  I think I need a man, too.  Ruth is great, but
she doesn't have everything I need either.  Unfortunately all my friends
are either Married, Straight, or horribly age inappropriate.  And who has
the time to date?

   I," her voice sounded raw.  "Nh, I remembered something."

   "Charley?" from her posture I could assume it was some sort of
molestation, still having his hymen intact."

   "No," she shrugged, and almost brushed her shoulder with her chin. 
"Ruth." This wasn't Larry, she was Gloria.

   "A flashback?" I'd warned her about those, but.

   "Charley didn't, well Ruth didn't hurt me eIther, but it felt different.
I never felt anything wrong about him, touching me.  I mean I didn't like
it, but I put up with it so he let me touch."

   "What did she do?" My throat went tight, trying to set aside the fact
that, of who I'd been sharing my bed with.  Damn it, I messed up my meds
for her!

   "Huh!" she looked up, definitely regressed to Gloria, "I was up in my
bunk, and it was cold.  In the morning, she talked about getting
insulation, that garage of hers has steel walls.  And I was dreaming about
Charley's."

   "Mhm?" she was learning to get past her modesty, but Larry still
giggled, and covered his mouth sometimes.

   "I got, well uh, I started to, you know.  Warm up?" I nodded.  "She got
up and took a shower, told me to 'Come down when you're done.' I didn't
finish, but I was still learning how to." She blushed, "Play with myself.
So, I tried for a while, but I was warm, so I got up, and started to get
dressed.  Then Ruth came up, and." Nh!  Blinking out more tears.

   "Was she, dressed?"

   Gloria shook her head, "She had a towel on, and" reached up, "another
towel on her hair.  She didn't look cold." Biovolume, a larger body has
less proportionate surface area to radiate from, even without adding more
Insulation.  Adults often have better cold tolerance than children, at
rest. They compensate by being more active.

   "Close your eyes," I soothed, "Take a deep breath, I'm here, and I'm not
going to hurt you."

   "Mhm?"

   "But you have to face this, to get past it." And I needed to know what
kind of person I let in.  At least I don't have to hide the anger on my
face.  I don't like anger, the way it feels, the way it makes me feel. 
"She say anything?"

   "She asked me about.  It.  What I did, and what I thought about.  She
really hates Charley." I know.  "And she got this, look." she opened her
eyes, "not this look," he tried to do the glare.  "Hm, more like Charley.
Well, I never."

   "Close your eyes," she did, "Then she touched you?" She pulled up her
legs, and hugged them.  Like the foetal posture, but sitting up.  I want to
go to her, hold her, tell her it would be all right, lie to her.  But given
the circumstances, maternal molestation, that could backfire.

   "I was scared.  She, uh.  I backed away, but i ran into her bed, and
she, nhm!  Uh, she got on it with me.  I had to get back in the corner, and
i felt cold again, but she."

   "She touched you."

   "Her face went away." She shuddered.  "She didn't have a look."

   "Expressionless?"

   "nhn?  She felt my hymen.  She pushed on it, but it didn't break.  I
think, she was trying to, and her fingers feel so rough." I know, and now
I'm flashing back to all the times we'd been together.  The loving
embraces, her kisses, her soft strong hands.  Her callouses.  "Nhmhmhmh!"
Almost like grunts, with her voice starting to change.

   I don't understand abusers.  I know they're out there, I've met quite a
few, but what makes someone, take sex like that?  Charley, he's desperate,
compulsive but Ruth?  She's so gentle, and caring, and sarcastic, and rude,
and hateful.  God, how could I not see it, though?  I don't understand
abusers, but how could I ignore the signs?  My symptoms, the changes in my
behavior.

   It was getting harder to maintain my self image, I guess because all of
those back-handed compliments started to pile up.  Sure she was joking, or
so I thought, but she talks about herself like that.  Go ahead, and
compliment her, she'll find some flaw with herself.  Now don't start crying
too, Maud.  Try to maintain some semblance of professional decorum. 
Gloria, she needs me now, my issues can wait until I can confront that back
stabbing two timing abusive bitch.

   She sniffed, "You're right," Wiped her eyes, "I do feel a little
better."

   "I'm going to schedule another appointment tomorrow," I picked up the
phone to leave a reminder in voice-mail, then carried it out on the porch
with me.  Gloria followed, hiccuped, I think.  "You got another cigarette?"

   "Huh!" I rolled my eyes, "I'm not a convenience store." God I was
starting to sound like Ruth!"

   "Are you all right?" He hugged me.

   "Fine dear," I took a drag.

   "Then why are you crying?"

   Larry {Mt NS}

   "Hey 'Bert," I look away from him, "What's up?" Finally turned out to be
his issues.

   "I heard you met Amber." He Does know how to drop a name.  "And I think
you can help me, help her with her issues." It didn't end well.

   "How's that," working out for you?

   "Just help me understand her." he sat down, "He's like Charley, but more
preferential to children.  Girls, and you know about the underlying gender
issues.  Ruth can't understand him, Maud's trying to, but she needs me to
explain some things."

   "A little more warning next-time?" I put the finger up.  Didn't touch
his lips, but in front of them.  "Which part?" Brush my bangs out of my
eyes.  I don't like this blue, the way it faded out.

   "See, that's it, there's no language for that part, but the Victim
Rehearsal.  That's the part I don't get, dressing up like, and playing the
part of the victim to get aroused."

   "She does that?" I sat down, and flicked off the long ash.

   "In underwear," he held up his right hand to God, "I swear she's a
Transvestite."

   "How does that work?" I shook my head, and giggled.  "Hmh."

   "IDFK," he shrugged.

   I hugged him, "I miss you." Big brother, kindof.  Adopted, obviously.

   "How are you doing with?"

   "This last one?" Well, "I got off to it, finally.  The memory, not the
image of it, I think.  Idaknow, in retrospect it's kind of hot, getting a
handjob, from a little girl.  Hmph, an unique PoV, but I haven't fully
processed it yet." How do I feel about all of that?  "She's not violent?"

   "Not at all, freezes up, and goes passive at the first sign.  I don't
know what that means."

   "Well what do you guys have so far, in the way of diagnoses?"

   "Settling on Histrionic, pathological liar, gender's harder to pin down.
Sexually about as female as it gets, capital G, rated X.  Scratch
anhedonia, she's paraphilic, dominant, or can affect submissive for Victim
Rehearsal.  Very auto-erotic, plays both parts, mentally and physically
with emotional distance.  She's almost robotic, atonia." I saw some of
that. "May be pathologically incapable of violence, but with the risk
level, we can't play it too safe.  I think she believes she's physically
incapable of it, and I don't want to disillusion her.  Deadly calm when
she's angry."

   "Hmh," I thought, "I never did anything like that," out loud... 
"Neither having any victims, nor any desires for them.  She is aggressive,
hmm.  I'm going to have to think about it."

   "She's old hand at," Rock rock rock, "Doesn't even have to think about
it." I can relate.  "And also exhibitionistic." It is not as if I haven't
thought about her.

   "Well that's about vicarious displacement," He put his hand on mine.

   "I know." On my leg.  The main thing is we ran out of what we could do
together.

   "So not in the mood," I brushed him off.  Flipping off my butt, I went
to find my friends.  Switch my head around for the straight age-appropriate
ones.  It stuck in the back of my mind, picked up thoughts, rolling around.
I'm not sure of how to describe my thought processes, but Dr.  Maud says
I'm getting better at it.  So she's like Charley.  Chester really, but I
never had knew him as that.

   Just doesn't look it, of course, I'm bigger and older than her, and how
do you learn all of that so fast?  Skateboarding, I love to watch
skateboarding.  I suck at it, but it's great to watch.  That, and the bike
is better for getting around, living off a dirt road, and all.

   So, if I was like Charley, when I was like that, then I'd be inside the
fence of course.  With all those little girls running around in uniform! 
Nobody noticed my laugh.  I scoffed anyway.  I just don't know, what it's
like.  What do you do, chase them around with snakes, and worms, and frogs?


   IDK how Charley thought, either.  Neither can Ruth, nor can Maud explain
it to me, and 'Bert knows what it's like.  "Got to go," I grabbed my bag,
and put my phone away.  Ooh, chainlink.  Didn't come up to my armpits, so I
reached over, and undid my pants with my other hand.

   So, what's it really like, feeling predatory?  I don't want to really,
but it's a masculine thought process I'm not yet ready to admit I'm
entirely incapable of.  Not to the point of victimizing anyone, why I would
never, but I don't like feeling vulnerable to them, and not knowing how
they think is a big part of it.  And it's a pretty cool thing, to think
about.  A pretty hot fantasy.

   .

   .

   .

   {Author's Note: The following chapter is later.  Very much later, by at
least half a year, after the events in \Meghan's Law.}

   Larry {Ti Roma Virg.}

   "Hn!" her fingertips brushed my little hairline, tickled my little
widows peak.  "Hn!" Sighed again.

   "You like it?" I hugged her, but she pulled back, to get her chin down
in front of my forehead, and kiss it.

   "SmpbPH!" She giggled against me, "Hnhinih!" I love her laugh.  Can't
sing worth a damn, tone deaf, and arrhythmic, but it's almost musical.  Her
laughS, all of her laughs.  I look up, and catch her lips.  "Hnhhhhh!"

   Her breath on my cheek, and whiskers, she feels up between our lips, and
pets it.  "Lip fur," she just smiles.  Okay, I like her's too, even if
they're wispy little ones, as if some cartoonist decided she needed more
shading around there.  Finally self-confident enough to stop shaving, I
can't hardly feel them, and they match her freckles, brown freckles.  I
don't know how a mustache can be feminine, but I like it!

   And her back, oh God I love her back.  Her chest is right around, on top
of mine.  She doesn't need a bra, as long as she's got me around, and mine
are feeling tender again.  Not developing so much, I've got my whole life
to never get saggy, but I don't mind, resent, fear the idea of growing
them. Eventually.

   Patience.

   That's what romance is all about.  Not banging it out on a deadline, in
record time.  It ain't a speed run, no hi-5s with your bros.  ..?  Oh all
right, she came by the BMX ramps, and the skatepark, and they met her. 
There may have been some hi-5s exchanged, she understands.  Seen her
around, nobody ever got to know quick Miss Bacchetta, until me.  Not
really, but I caught her, and I'm not letting go.

   "FAGOTS!" He ran, and she was gone.  This late in the spring it was the
dainty plastic shorts, IDK, Nylon or something.  Little blue panels on the
sides curving up, and out like whale tails, white front, back, and across
the middle.  I want a smoke, but she's right.  Better to quit before I'm
too addicted.

   He didn't make it far, and she came back, out of breath.  Didn't hit
him, or anything, just chased him around, cut him off, I could hear her
high laughter, or notes of it, when the breeze died down.  He had to stop,
she wore him out, and then she ran back.  To me, panting, breathless,
collapsed giggling next to me, and I laughed too.  It was quite a while
before we caught our breath.

   "Hm," Functional mute, and she was kissing me again.  "Smwrq!" I think
that's how she spells it.

   "What?" she looks confused.

   "Hn!" through her long thin blade of her nose, "Did Ruth..."

   "I," Squeezed my eyes, but no tears came out, "You know she molested me,
when I stayed with her, back at St.  Agnes." Or maybe that part was St. 
Ignatus, it's all the same campus.

   "Yeah," she nodded, sensitively.  Just empathy, I wasn't raped like her,
but she had been Emotionally abused, also.  "Uhm," she looked up, and bit
her lip.  "I mean, after.  When you started growing, uh?  Hm, I noticed,
whenever we started," she blushed.  I waited, you have to be patient when
she's talking, give her time to think.  She doesn't multitask like I do,
unless it's rote physical action like pedaling, or swimming.  "Ruth jerked
me off.  The first time I.  Huh, well I got myself off watching Janet's"
Amber's real name, as far as we've been able to trace back.  "Victim
rehearsal over the phone, but with Ruth."

   "She's good with her hands," I nodded.

   "Yeah, but she knew how." ?  I shook my head, "With me, or someone like
me.  She knew how to." She made the sign in front of her, but instead of
pumping O O O, she held her thumb, and forefinger out as if to pinch an
imaginary Priapuss: GGG?  I nodded.  "She went right for it, the first
time, when she molested me in my sleep." She blushed, "I didn't mind, it
didn't hurt, it felt good, but how did she know how?  I mean, huh!  ?  Uhn,
I suck with words, but you're the only other," There is no word, besides
Futanari, which isn't quite right, we're still working on that identity. 
"Who else would she have learned that from?"

   I nodded, "Sorry, yeah." Took a breath, "When we moved out of the
Convent, well I started jerking off 'Bert, but he wouldn't touch me. 
You're going to the meetings," I looked up, "I guess this was before
Am'uh," Trigger name, "Janet.  Before you brought in your ex, but Maud was
still incredibly busy, so we pretty much had the whole house to ourselves.

   Huh," I sat up, and remembered.  "These last couple"-few "years, they
feel like my whole life, or my new life, since I got born again."

   "Puberty," I shrugged.

   "Yeah, huh?" Smrwq!  "So yeah, once I got on the Virogel, I guess she
helped me, apply it." Directly, topically, to focus the growth where I want
it most.  ""Huh!  I guess the last time was when she had to mold the cup
inside my orthotic.  You know, 'Bert couldn't always make it up there, it's
a wicked hill, and he's got his college friends, so.  Yeah, you know how
Maud says our abuses helped make us who we are?" Uhuh?  "Yeah, well all I
knew at the time was molestation, 'Bert wouldn't touch me back, and I had
to figure it all out myself, if it weren't for Ruth being there, to help
me."

   "So, she kept molesting you."

   "Yeah," I nodded, "Uhuh?  Ironically, 'Bert couldn't bring himself to,
but she's the one who taught me how to jerk off." GGG "Oh, and how to find
the Graffenberg," She sighed.  She really Really likes that, "And convinced
me to stay a.  hm?" I looked around.

   "She never found mine." She nodded.  Too low, I guessed.  I'm no expert,
but it's much lower on the inside of her pubic bone than Ruth's, which my
fingers were never long enough to reach.  Not like a prostate neither, or
at least not like 'Bert's.

   "What're you?" She smiled, but didn't say anything.  "Hm!" I felt her,
fingers in my jock-strap, pushing the orthotic out of the way.  Her eyes,
held mine, but went out of focus.  She bit her lip, concentrating, and
glanced down where she couldn't possibly see.  She felt, though, down past
my soft folds, between them, deep between my legs.  "MH?"

   I started pushing her arm, but then I held her wrist.  So thick, and
strong, I couldn't get my fingers all the way around it.  'are you okay?"
She looked up, and barely whispered.  Her eyes were deep in shadow, the sun
behind the trees, almost twilight.  Another day gone, another chapter
closed.  Perhaps, it was time to move on.  You can not live in the past and
still grow as a person.

   "?"

   I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and nodded.  She convinced me to
keep it, I'd even thought I was saving myself for her.  I didn't know I
would find another, how could I?  I got so I didn't mind, hir tongue
pressing against my soft spot.  Even worming into the perforations that
once let the blood out.

   So soft and wet, not dry, and firm, like hir hand under my clammy
orthotic.  I suddenly wanted to remember this, everything about it.  The
park, oddly enough it was otherwise empty, after she chased off that
apparently confused homophobe.  I don't guess there's an equivalent to Fag,
or Dyke for hermaphrodites.

   This late in the evening, I even smelled a little dinner cooking off
somewhere.  Her fingers on my lips, her palm pressing in the soft furry
hill.  Her longest finger, so thin, and hard, and strong.  Not thick, soft,
and rough, like Ruths' when she had to to form the inner cup of my
orthotic. The sunset, or the ruddy-to-ochre tones painting the high fluffy
clouds over the next hill.

   I'magined bars between us, then dismissed that.  No, I don't want that,
anything between us any more.  "Go on," I sighed, and braced myself, "I'm
finally ready.  .  .  Nh!" It hurt, a little.  But she was also so gentle.
"Hnnnnnh!"
   "Hihinhnh!"