Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 An update of a fantasy written before I grew as a writer, and discovered
what was wrong with me (Gender Disphoria.) Now, I'm free to let it run
unfettered by Denial.

   {Story Codes: fM...  Hebe(14) Cons, Xhib, Strp, Bang, Bukk, Bike, Anal.}

   "Ugh!" Fuck it, she wants to treat me like a Child?  I just grabbed my
clothes out of the trashcan, stuffed them in my bookbag, and I was gone! 
Control freak bitch wouldn't let me have the keys, I wished they taught us
Hotwiring in Drivers Ed, so I'd be out of there, but some kid left his bike
out.

   So, "Nyoink!" I cut through the trail before somebody saw it, and
headded for the hi-way.

   I just ditched it, turned around, and stuck my thumb out.  I wasn't
going to get far that way, anyway.  So, I lit a smoke, and hoped for the
best.  I heard him, before he came around the curve, over the rushing
tires, and engines going "Neeyowng!" past me.  Then it was loud, a
thundering rumble, all crome, and leather with black tassles swung back in
the wind.

   He pulled over, and I ran to catch up.  He took off his helmet, like one
of those German ones without the spike, shiny black, and handed it to me.
"THANKS!" I shouted over the guttering engine.

   He just nodded, and turned back, pumping the handle bar, so I got on
behind him before he blatted off without me.  I guess the air carried it
off, the rush of wind got louder even as it wound up to a buzz under us. 
His chopper, or Hog I guessed holding his shoulders.  They felt firm, and
muscular, not boney at all.

   I laughed, imagining Gwen.  I'll never call her "Mom" now, what would
she think?  Sure, he's not as fat, and sweaty as you'd think most bikers
are, I didn't smell anything, but talk about a Bad Boy!  Big patch of a
dog, or bear, or whatever on the back of his vest.  Maybe a wolverine?  I
couldn't read it, flapping to fast between us, but it was black and white.
Racoon?  Panda?  Yeah, probably not a Panda.

   I put my arm down, hugged around him, then drop the other under his arm.
Yeah, big, and hard bodied, no squish of gut or nothing.  I could smell his
vest, definitely leather, and he had patches on the shoulders too.  His
hair whipped over mine, instead of right in my face, and he took an exit.
Pulling up behind a gas station, I got off first.

   "Where you headded?" it hung down to his shoulders, split all the way up
to the bottom of the helmet, when he was wearing it.  I shrugged, and took
it off.  "Well," he picked at a patch on his shoulder, "I don't need no
gas, you got any pot?" He grinned.

   [Gas, Grass, or Ass]It said, [Nobody rides for free!]

   "Nope," I bit my lip, and stepped up to him.  He leaned down, and I
closed my eyes.  Not a beard, really, but he wasn't clean shaved, neither.
He felt me up, kissed me hard, and licked my tongue in my mouth.

   "How old are you?" he held my arms.

   "Nineteen?" I looked back, "No really, I was a late bloomer, everone
says how young I look!" He didn't say nothing, just frowned at me.  I
sighed, pulled my bag around, and got out my sister's old Permit.  "See?" I
nodded, "I didn't have money for the license yet, and it ain't like we got
a car, anyway, so what would I drive?" I took it back before he read that I
was supposed to be 5'3" and 117 pounds.  Maybe in a few years, right?

   "Okay," he shrugged, "Go get the key, Tits." He slapped my ass, and I
waited in line while my heart stopped beating so hard.  I thought about
running, like he couldn't catch me, or I had anywhere to go.  I giggled,
thinking about him throwing me over his gas tank, and roaring off into the
desert like some Apache warrior.

   She hated being called "Tits," or especially "Fanny!" I guess that's why
dad called her that, to watch her pretend to get all upset.  Or, he used
to. Before Gwen showed up, married him, started critiquing the way we
dressed.  Making us call in, checking on us all the time, trying to be our
smother.  Like she could replace Mom, since she run out on us, left us with
dad, made him work all hours instead of spending time with us.

   I bit my lip, but he already had his vest popped open, leaning next to
the door, smoking a cig.  He looked real good, and I was pretty fucking
horny from riding that huge vibrading machine of his.  He put his arm
around me, walked me back to the girls' room, since that's the key she gave
me.  Pretty clean, actually, not as nasty as I expected, it didn't stink,
just air freshener.  He hung his jacket over the handicap bar in the
corner, pulled me in, kissed me, and felt my boob through my shirt, and
bra.

   I could taste the smoke on his breath, feel it blow out his nose on my
cheek, the rough stubble, taste his mouth.  "Nh!" I melted inside, god he
was big, and rough, and strong, he could take me any time if I didn't let
him.  It just felt good to have his eyes on me, his hands, squeezing my
ass, and my boob.  He pulled up my skirt, felt down to my underwear, rubbed
it into my crotch.

   Real big, from the long thick ridge bulging out the front of his jeans.
Fuck yeah, I stopped kissing him to look down, pull the horse shoe buckle
out, unbutton them, and pull the zipper open.

   "God Damn!" I never seen one this big outside of one of dad's pornos. 
He stopped even trying to hide them when mom left, sometimes passed out
with one on the table, dick hanging out of his shorts on the couch.  Even
his weren't that big, and I never got brave enough to touch it.  I pulled
the skin out, to kiss shut around the head.  Not a little one, it just
bulged out so much on the sides, it looked like it.

   He had his hand in my panties now, and I was so wet I could feel it.  He
held my butt, and made me squirm, pushing my button, and rubbing it around.
"Uh!" I grunted a little, "You got a, ah!" It tickled up my belly, made me
twitch.  He stopped, let go of my ass, and pulled out a rubber.  I let go
to undo the wrapper, held the skin back to roll it on.  So tight, it
stretched around his thick dick, and didn't even go all the way down.

   It smelled nasty, but I like it when I'm so turned on.  I squatted to
suck on it, and he ran his fingers through my hair.  He didn't push it in,
I deep throated him to see how much I could take.  And gag up some of the
good slimy spit, barely half, I twisted my legs together, rolled it around
in my mouth, and got up to turn around.

   His knees went between my legs, he almost had to squat to run it down my
crack, push it between my legs, and slap up against me.  He did it like
three times, and I jumped at the swats.  I held onto the bar, tried to
relax, then he was in me.  Not all the way, but I could feel myself
splitting wider, and wider until he couldn't go any deeper.

   So full, I could barely breathe!  "Ugahd!" He pulled back, and fucked
into me again.  Slow at first, then a little faster, and harder as I got
used to the shear size of it.  He had to pick me up, and then he really
started giving it to me.  Harder then I ever been fucked before, and I
loved it.  So big, and hard, and rough, it hurt!  I started cumming, and
just kept on until he pulled out, slipped off the rubber, and beat off in
my ass crack.

   I just stood there, bent over, still twitching inside, and tried to
catch my breath.  "Your folks know where you are?" he was fixing his pants
when I turned around.

   "I fucking care!" I took my panties off, and pulled some towels out of
the box on the wall.

   "How long you been doing this?" He asked serious.

   "What time is it?" I laughed.

   "How old are you," he was frowning in the mirror, "Really?"

   I sighed, "You carded me!"

   He laughed, "You already got me on Stach," he shook his head, "Like
you'd report me, and 'sides, I'd be long gone first, but you ain't gotta
lie to me."

   "Seventeen.  Fifteen?" I sighed, "All right, 14." He finally believed
the truth, "But you can say I lied to you!"

   "You did," he turned, and grabbed the door, "I'm gonna check the bike."

   [If you can read this] his shirt said, [The bitch fell off!]

   I started wiping at the mess on my ass.  He threw my bag in, "While you
get cleaned up." It swung shut.

   Nothing clean to wear, of course.  I pulled most of it out of the
garbage, but I didn't want any of the boring new underwear she got me.  I
mean, it was white, all of it.  I had the short bluejeans skirt Gwen'd
never let me wear, and ran some water to make sure my ass was really clean.


   I thought I hadn't heard him drive off yet, then looked over at his
vest, still hanging over the bar.  So, I took my sweaty shirt off, and
snapped it up over my bra.

   [GOD] I read backwards off the front [DAM] and giggled.  Thought about
changing into the black one, but just shrugged, and stuffed the dry clothes
back in my bag.  The wet skirt I cleaned the jizz off with went in the
trash.

   He stood up, jumped, and the bike roared to life.  Scooting back, he
patted the tank, then reached around to grab the other bar when I got on.
We rolled around front, kept it running while I went in to roll the pipe
across the counter.  I had a hair tie, so I twisted it up, under the
helmet, and got back on in front of him.

   Once we where back on the highway, he drove one handed, and started
feeling me again.  I was already getting a good buzz off the shiny tank,
like a giant vibrator!  His hand went down my belly from my tits, pushed me
back into him, slipped down my skirt.

   No panties, so I leaned back, enough to let him feel around, rub my
button, back up under the vest, that was to big on me anyway.  "TITS," he
yelled in my ear, "I AIN'T ASKIN' YER REAL NAME YOU KIN CALL ME DOG." I
nodded.  He had my bra up on the side, and grabbed it again, in his big
strong hand.  "MY UNCLE USETA RIDE WITH MY OLD CLUB," He just kept right on
talking, "I WAS INTO RAP, AN' CALLED EVERBODY 'DOG' SO THEY STARTED CALLING
ME THAT.  I RIDE SOLO NOW, LESS I GOT A BITCH, BUT I'M HEADDED OUT TO SEE
SOME OLD FRIENDS, IF YOU WANNA MEET THEM."

   I nodded again, and he shut up.  He felt back down, and I wish I thought
of just taking the bra off, letting them hang in the vest, but the stitches
inside the patch rubbed my nipple.

   I felt how rough his fingers where on my lips when he spread them open.
He flipped me off!  Or on with his middle finger, flipping my button like a
switch, but up, up, up, making me hornier, and hornier.  But with his hand
up on the gas, he had to keep going up the vest, and down my skirt.  I
finally just scooted up to grind on the vibrating tank, legs way out so I
could push right up on it until I got off again, with my boob in his hand,
pinching, and twisting the nipple with his thumb, and a finger.

   God, it wasn't as intense as the rough fucking in the bathroom, but what
is?  There was more of a thrill, right there on the hiway, cars blowing by,
road fying under us so fast it blurred into a gray streak, lines turning
into one right next to us, until I closed my eyes.

   "Fuck," to nobody, just felt it, cumming in waves, over and over until
my clit got sore, and I had to back off of the buzz.  Lean back against
him, still squeezing, and rubbing my tit, moving over to push the bra up
over the other one, pinch, and twist the nipple like a dial, or something.

   I guess it couldn't been an hour, but he pulled off again, and came up
to this truck stop.  He got a couple showers for us.  To bad it was men,
and women, or we could've fucked in there some more, I could get more used
to his big fucker.  The head didn't come down on a hose, just a pipe
sticking out of the wall, so I had to cup it in my hands to doosh, but it
was nice, and hot, so I kept my legs spread open while I did my hair, and
arm pits.

   He was in the laundry, running the rest of our clothes, but they already
called his name, so he went to take his, and left me a burger basket while
I watched them.  I tore out the notes from my little spiral, it was still
in the front pocket, but had plenty of pages to start my diary over.  "On
the road," Ha!  They made us read that boring ass shit, like a couple years
ago, and I figured I could top that.

   I still hate her, but I was gone, never gonna see her again, and I got
my Mad Dog to take care of me.  Maybe buy me new clothes, I mean New new
ones, instead of these old wore out ones.  Okay, I'll keep my favorites,
the green lacy bra, and panties with the pink trim.

   Whatever, I don't got none on, not even a bra, just a teeshirt, skirt
and his big baggy vest.  Okay, it's kind of stiff, with all the patches,
and there's no lining so I can see the holes they covered.  All hand
stitch, crude, but good enuff to hold them on.  I love the smell, maybe I
can get one some day, and my own Harley?  A nice boy, not too old, I'm not
in love with Mad Dog, or whatever his name is, and I don't know if I ever
will be.

   I mean, he is old-er.  No grey, or wrinckles or nothing, but lets be
honest, it's just to big.  I mean, I loved it, but if I keep letting him
fuck me like that, I won't need to even have kids to get so looss I can
drop a golf ball in me without even feeling it, and I'm still a little
sore. It hurt so good at the time, I really need that grunge fuckin, but
now, I don't know.  Really, someone closer to my age, maybe without quite
so much of a baseball bat of a fuck stick before I get to used to it.

   I wonder what his friends are like, would he get mad if I just jumped
off at the party, and rode away with another guy?  I guess he's a little
weirded out on account of how young I am to.

   OMG, I took the pill this morning, it was about half full, but I
remember hiding them back under my drawer where I kept the magazines I
could grab whenever Dad was "Straightening up" for Gwen, and the little
vibrater I got from Tiff.  Dad still snuck them behind mo, I mean Gwen's
back.

   My fucking step smother, fuck her!  Or fuck this biker, right out here
on the road, where I could fall off and die any time, or get the clap, or
herpies, or AIDS, or, I don't know fucking Crabs or whatever.  He said Pot
earlier, so maybe we could do some drugs later, and he could fuck me up the
ass while his friends shot me up with smack!

   I wish she could see me now, or doing all that stuff.  I bet the shock
would kill her, the frigid fucking prude.  Never knew what dad saw in her.
Not even like a real grown woman, I mean she was like 40, and still smaller
then me.  No tits too, I mean at least I was up to 28 Cs.  And she dressed
like a librarian with those stupid glasses, like they made her look smart.
But still, she came into my house, married my dad, and made him clean up,
hide the pornos, and throw away all of Tiffanie's nice old clothes, and buy
those frumpy plain jane shit before he even started getting me anything
pretty of my own.

   I should have killed her in her sleep, or poisoned her, and then run
away with the bikers, yeah.

   So anyway, he got out, so I had to stop writing, and get everything
packed up.  He read it, I let him, I sure wasn't gonna start a seen there,
and get him all arrested, after that lady came out, and took the basket. 
She asked me if my "Step-Dad" was coming back, so I told her he was in the
shower, and we was on this trip for the summer so I could get to know him.
You know, just playing along with the story until she finished wiping the
table, and took off.

   Anyway, he talked to me, after he gave me the notebook back, and asked
more about my family.  He said I was jealous "Now here me out," he put his
hand up, and told me about his ex, this girl he went out with in college,
and her dad was like that.  Always looking at her, talking about how she
was growing up, must be driving all the boys wild.

   But Tiff got all the attention, not me, then she left, and instead of
Dad paying attention to me, he got that mousy little Gwen.  I said it
myself, she was more like a girl then a full grown woman, and he could fuck
her, cause he wasn't her daddy.  "I'm not saying you're a slut," he made
sure to say that, "But she sure was, trying to find a guy to make up for
her father."

   Okay, so I had daddy issues, so what?  I like it when guys look at me,
and touch me, and fuck.  Maybe that's why I got into it, but it feels good,
I like it, especially with a man, a real one instead of those middle school
boys that don't know how to do nothing.  I had the most tits, I mean not
the teachers, so I get more attention then the other girls, and I like that
too.  And some times the high school guys, when I get one.A

   I wish I had my diary, the old one, that's like from before I got my
period, so at least 5 years.  Wow, 1/3 of my life, if you can imagine. 
Anyway, she told me about sex when dad gave her the Talk.  She knew way too
much, nothing like the Edited for School version, with fallopean tubes, and
testies, but all the other words.  Pussy, what "Fuck" really means, about
anal, and how not to get pregnant.  She showed me how to play with myself,
and she sure didn't get that from any magazines.

   Maybe he did molest her, and just fell in love with her before I was old
enough.  God, that's fucked up, I mean I was always so jealous of her to!
Always daddy's favorite, all the nice things he gave her, and did he pop
her cherry too?  He got her on the pill, so he wouldn't get her pregnant
with some one eyed baby with fingers growin out its elbow?

   I missed him, the way he was before, how he used to pay more attention.
To Tiff, anyway.  That's what Gwen took away from me, it was never my turn.
Like he never noticed how I was growing up, becoming a "young lady" like
Tiff already had.  One day I'd be as tall as her, fill out my bras, get
some decent sized ones, instead of the old ones she handed down.  But now
it was to late, he'd never buy me new ones like he did for her.

   I hugged Dog hard, then made him pull over.  I had to write this down
before I forget it, and I did have all that soda on lunch.  Any way, I
think I'll ride the tank when I get back, I'm getting a little horny again.

   "HANG ON," he cut over to the service road, next to the hiway.  We was
between town, and there wasn't much traffic, and all of it was up there
anyway, or most of it.  We blew past a couple cars, in the far lane,
turning or something.

   Felt a lot better without the bra, and he put my hands up, on the bars,
yelled for me to just "HOLD IT THERE," and I tried to keep it on the road.
With both hands, he could stick one up my shirt, and the other down my
skirt.  I was really wound up all ready, so I scooted back, and felt him
press hard on my butt crack.

   He kissed my neck, and sucked on my ear, licked the bone in the back of
my cheek, and flipped my switch.  I just tried not to kill us, he had to
reach up, when we got to a underpass, held my hand on the handle, and turn
it so we slowed down.  We sped back up, the motor revving, and dropping
whenever he kicked the gears, and when we were back up to speed, he pulled
back on the highway.

   He let go, and I tried not to let my arms shake the handlebars.  I could
feel his hands behind me, but the cars were dropping back behind us, and
there were some up ahead to.  The sun was getting low, and all a sudden I
remembered this movie The Chase.  Kind of romantic, I guess, except we
could go flying onto the rushing road any second if I fucked up, tumbling,
and the bike rolling over, crushing us to death.

   I didn't really want to die, I remember saying it, writing it, thinking
it, but that felt like a lifetime ago, even the other week.  He scooted
back, hands behind my ass, and I could feel him undoing his pants.  I had
to stand up a little, and we wobbled, but I didn't kill us before he pulled
up my skirt, and I felt him feel around with his dickhead.

   I squirmed onto it, felt it working into me, and his legs closing behind
mine so I could sit in his lap.  I just rode him, all the way down so I was
sitting in his lap, deep inside me.  I wondered why I couldn't feel the
rumble of the motor through him, but it was enuff to just feel so stretched
open.

   He slipped a hand around, and back in the front of my skirt for a better
hold.  I started cumming as soon as he touched my button, and he kepped
flipping it like a switch until I thought I'd pass out from holding my
breath so long.  How long was it?  I had no idea, I was just soo full of
pleasure, feeling brave enough to start fucking him, right there on the
road!

   I cummed like firecrackers, a whole string of them stuck in me, and lit
off!  I held on as best I could, screaming into the wind.  I swear I felt
him cumming, twiching up, and down in me, and remembered all a sudden he
didn't put a rubber on this time.  I mean, I don't remember him doing it,
it was pretty quick as soon as he got it out, but I was distracted by
trying not to wreck the bike.

   [Hunni,

   IDK your real name, but I figure "Tits" ain't quite right.  No offense.
Anyway, I got to work tonight, security guard, and it's a long drive back
to town.  I read somewhere in here you was thinking about catching another
ride from here, and thats' fine with me.  I gotta think the last place you
want to go back to is the city you run away from.

   Anyway, you should be safe for the night, I locked you in after you
passed out, so nobody got the wrong idea, after what all happened.  If you
want, you can get my number from one of the Motor Brothers, or a message to
me through the grape vine.  This is their shop, and they'll treat you
right. Nice knowing you, I hope you enjoyed the ride.

   Catch you later?  Mad Dog.]

   I woke up, the loud roar of a harley getting quieter.  My spiral was
right next to me, with a BiC, so I started writing before I forgot.  Never
saw this room before, but I was alone, in a bed, and I had some clean pages
left.  Kinda like when I don't want to forget a good dream, only my ass was
sore, and my pussy, and even my throat.  I don't know if that was from it
getting fucked, or moaning so much, but I remember my mouth being full,
unless I had to stop to catch my breath, or for another switch out.

   Anyway, the sun went down, and he turned on the lights, but it wasn't
another hour before he pulled off the hiway to this place on the side.  You
could still see the cars go by, and it wasn't like a Bar, or a gas station,
it don't got a sign, or pumps, or a store.  Big garage though, the doors
swung open like a barn, and I guess it was like a little house on the side.
Kind of backward, big old garage, stuck to a itty bitty little house.

   Lots of bikes, inside, and out in the parking lot.  And bikers, hanging
out, drinking, talking, some of them down working on their bikes in the
garage.  In the back there was a biker chick, all black leather, dancing on
the pole.  It went all the way up, and there was plywood over the hole, I
guessed it must've been a firehouse, before the bikers took over.

   Loud music, a bright spark of lightning, some guy working on this
monster machine that looked like a car in back, and a bike welded to the
front of it.  V8, I guess, with long handlebars over it to like a couch in
back.

   Nobody said "Hey!" asked for introductions, kept doing whatever.  That
was cool, kind of weird, but they was all bikers, so he was just another
biker.  I grabbed a beer, and Dog got me another burger they was grilling
out back.

   "Not hungry," I shrugged.  I wanna get fucked up, not all fat.

   "Go on, you're what, a hundred pounds?" He grabbed a block shaped bottle
of wine out of the trashcan full of ice, and just unscrewed it.

   I nodded, "Don't worry," if that, "I'm not gonna end up dancing around
naked with a lampshade on my head."

   He laughed, "I'm not worried about that," he chucked his head at the
pole, she had her top off, and another biker chick was up there dancing
with her.  The guys all cheered.  "This is a biker party, you might see a
gang bang later, I just don't want anyone taking advantage of you."

   I didn't say 'you mean anyone else.' He had his hand in my pocket, or
his fingers, so he could hang onto my ass.  "Yeah?" I pulled away, and
backed up, pulling up my shirt.  Some of the guys noticed that, so I backed
into the little house, and he followed me.

   I never did nothing like this before.  I mean at a party at all, not
just bikers, but in here they weren't all distracted by the strippers,
kissing, and feeling each other up.  I found a couch to plop on, and some
beer splashed out, but I didn't care.  He took a swill, so I grabbed his
belt, and pulled him in to undo it.

   Now everyone was watching, so I pulled him out, and sucked in as much as
I could.  Then, just the tip so I could jerk him with both hands.  God, it
was just like a porno, his big fucker, nice hairy balls, I held him up to
lick, and suck the sweat off them.  All these guys watching, starting to
gather a round.

   This guy just sat down next to me, and watched.  Smoking a joint, I kept
pumping with one hand, and took a toke.  Good shit, to!  I gave it to Dog,
and he passed it.  Blowing out, I smoked him some more, looking up to see
if he got jealous when I put my hand on the other guy's dick.  He just
smiled, and nodded.

   Fuck it, not like I never did 2 guys before.  It was just them, down in
their fathers' basement, sucking one while the other fucked me.  Leather
pants, he moved my hand so he could open them up, so I got up, and moved
over.  Not as big as Dog's, I pulled my skirt up before I sat down on it.
He squeezed my boobs while I rubbed it in my butt crack.

   Everyone was watching now, gathering around, and soon I had 2 more dicks
in both hands.  I think I wrote something about finding someone else, a
smaller cock before dog read it, at the little table in the truck stop
laundry.  He didn't say anything, or seem to mind, so I guessed this was a
good way to shop around, see who I liked.

   I grinned, and took a rubber out of his pocket, where he kept them.  I
put it in the guy's hands, the one I was riding, and scooted down his lap
so he could put it on.  I needed something in me now, so horny, all these
hot bikers, watching me, lining up.  My first gang-bang, biker gang, and it
wasn't too soon.

   It's funny, I saw a gangbang movie once, "Cock Starved" something.  I
don't know it's not really like that.  I mean, if I go without sex, long
enough i don't even think about it.  But then I get some, and it's like the
more I get, the more I want.  The hole in me gets deeper, and deeper, I
want more, and more until I need it, and now I had an endless supply.  I
didn't want to stop, ever.  They could have fucked me to death, and I would
have died happy.

   He held my hips, so I reached under me to hold his cock, and squirm
around onto it.  Yeah, that was better, I sucked Dog, held onto a couple
more, and fucked him, squeezing my tits.  I didn't even cum, but he did,
pretty quick.  So, I got off him, and bent over for Dog.  Bare Back, I
wasn't gonna get pregnant tonight, and he already cummed in me.

   So big, but now I was so randy, it didn't even hurt.  Split wide open, I
sucked another guy, felt a hot wet sticky splash on my back.  Somebody got
off, just watching us!  Sideways on the sofa now, his jizz made sideways
stripes, then the guy on the arm grabbed my head, and shot his cum in my
mouth.  Then another guy, I held his shaved balls, and sucked him deep in
my throat...

   That's all I remember, clear.  I guess the pot really kicked in, because
after that, it was all a blur of dicks, and cum, and fucking.  Oh yeah, Dog
spread my ass open to cum in my crack, then another guy took his place.  I
don't know if he wore a rubber, god I'll need a bunch of shots, today if I
can find a place, and the money.

   I thought it was hot at the time, he used Dogs' Jizz like lube, to
finger me, then he worked in his thumb, then 2 fingers until he could pull
out, and stick it up my ass.  "Nice and tight!" He rubbed my hips.  I
didn't do it a lot, since my first boyfriend told me how I wouldn't get
pregnant, before dad started getting me the pills.  Not even a gift, like
he did for Tiff, he just said "I guess your old enough," and said not to
tell Gwen, just like that.  Rubbers too.

   Any way, he picked me up, dick still up my ass, and layed down on the
coffee table.  That was better, cause the guys could all gather around,
jerk off if I wasn't sucking, or fucking, or jerking them.  Someone got
between our legs, and fucked me on the other guys cock.  It was cool, he
pushed me up, then I fucked him back in my ass when he pulled back out.

   I had more dick then I knew what to do with, tried to suck 2 at a time,
somebody cummed, all over my tits, then another and another until it was
like a hot sticky shower.  Huh, I should be stuck to the sheets, but no, no
sign of it anywhere.  Did somebody wash me off?  I guess I passed out, or
something, cause I don't remember it, but my hair doesn't smell like my
shampoo.  More like Celsin Blue, or one of those danfriff ones?

   Anyway, I was a little wet, but not leaking cum, so maybe he washed me
out too?  Too sore, and even if I had something to stick up my ass, like my
old handmedown vibrader, I wouldn't want to.  My button felt fine though,
and now it feels real good, so I can flip that switch while I remember.

   So anyway, I got off, and found my backpack to get dressed.  my hair was
wrecked, but there was no mirror, so I just brushed it out enough to tye it
back, and dropped it back in the pocket.  The door was locked, but when I
went down, I smelled coffee, and there was a stranger cleaning up with a
big trash can.  Maybe the same one with the ice dumped out for all the
empty bottles, and cans.

   "Hey," he stopped, and looked up, "Honey, right?" He must've cleaned up
to, because his saftey hawk looked just spiked up.  Kind of cute too. 
"Matt had to take off."

   "I know," I found a clean cup, on a towel next to the sink, and turned
it over to fill it with coffee.  "He left me a note." Like Black Death, it
was so string, it was even a little thick, so I just watered it down enough
to cool it off, and stirred in a lot of sugar.  I downed it, and finished
the pot, then helped him clean up.

   He took me to the clinic, I reported it as a Gang Rape, but lied about
Tony, said he picked me up, and gave me a ride.  He washed out his hair, to
comb it out, and took the truck with a motor, and a bunch of parts.  They
didn't charge me, asked about my pills, I didn't know the difference
between the mini-pill, or the brand I took, but since I was on schedule,
they just skipped the Plan B.

   Lots of antibiotics, Cyprocill, and like 3 shots, free of charge with an
Indigent waiver, since I didn't have any money, or insurance.  I just got
to wait for the cops, I have to report it, on account of the waiver, so
I'll make something up.  Better get my story straight, lets see, what did I
tell the nurse that was swabbing me, and taking pictures?

   I should have known better then hitching alone, but I got stranded, and
there was no way to get back.  So anyway, the picked me up.  Old car, I
think it was a Toyota, or a Honda, it was dark, so could have been grey, or
faded black, or blue.  I didn't think to get the lisence plate, or even
notice what state it was, even when they left me on the side of the road.

   I got in back, with one of them, I think he was the youngest, cause he
looked about my age.  Dirty blonde hair, or maybe likght brown, it could've
been red for all I know, and I couldn't see his eyes good enough to catch
the color.  Light, maybe blue, or green, no mustash, or beard, or even
stubble.

   He talked to me, told me how pretty I was, and tried to kiss me.  I told
him to stop, said no over, and over, but he held me down, and pulled my
shirt over my head.  I think they kept my underwear, or I left it in the
car, they didn't give it back.  He pulled my skirt up, and my panties out
of the way, then he got inside me.

   I just cried, but the guys in the front seat joked, about "Playing hard
to get," said "No means yes," and shit like that.  It hurt, and I kept
screaming, but I think he got off on it.  When he was done, they pulled
over, and stripped me naked.  They took turns, with me in the back seat,
but didn't pull over again till they dropped me off.  They threw me out,
and my bag after me, but lucky I still had these sweats from working out to
put on.

   I didn't want to get picked up, and raped again, I just cried, but there
was nowhere to hide.  Just the road, and a little dirt between it and the
fence.  Tony stopped, and got out, so I told him what happened, and he
brought me here.  I took a shower, at his house first.  I wasn't thinking,
I felt like a zombie, but all I wanted to do was get clean again, until I
ran out of hot water.  I didn't even think about catching something until I
got out, and calmed down.  So, he brought me here for some medicine.

   Anyway, the girl cop talked me through it, while her partner wrote it
down.  A man, he stayed back, didn' say anything, or even look at me.  I
guess if I really was raped, it would have been nice if I didn't have to
talk to a man.

   I love SVU, I think I watched all of them by now, some of them over and
over on reruns if they were ones I liked.  So, I knew what to say, how to
act.  Hold myself, legs together, don't look at the men, shrink back from
them, they only made me talk to women once I told them what happened.  They
never suspected.

   Anyway, it turns out Tony is 17.  He looks, and acts older, and he's
real smart.  Not like nerdy smart, he says "I like to satisfy my
curiosity," but he graduated early, and even took some classes at the
community college.  It had a nursing program, but like he says, it's more
about learning then getting a degree, or a medical job.

   His favorite is Abnormal Sexuality, like sex ed, but more about what can
go wrong, or "Deviations from Norms." I guess because of his uncle, he
moved in with him, and his "Brother" at the shop when he got emancipated,
and they even legally adopted him when they got married in Nevada.  He
didn't say, but I feel like the whole gay thing was a big part of his
parents breaking up.

   I mean, Tony's not gay, his uncle is.  And his "Brother," of course
that's more acceptible to the Bikers, so they called the shop "Motor
Brothers." Clever.  I asked him, and he said "I satisfied my curiosity,"
again.  He's not really into guys, but that doesn't mean he minds having
sex with them.  I guess I'm kind of the same way, I fooled around with my
friends some, just to see, even Tiff a little, if you want to call it that.
She showed me how to play with myself, and didn't mind getting hands on, to
show me how.  I'm not sure how to feel about that, was it sex?  Did she
molest me?  Kind of hot, in a sick dirty way, but we didn't even kiss.  She
just touched me, then stopped so I could play with myself, better.

   Didn't surprise me when he told me I ate out one of the biker chicks. 
Don't remember that, like I said, it was all a blur, but I done it before.
I guess whenever I was blacked out, how much did I drink after that firs
part of the beer I dropped?  I didn't get hung over.

   I offered to let him read this, but he said it's "Private," and he'd
rather talk about it, face to face then he can ask questions, share his
experiences, and fantasies, that kind of thing.  He also said it was a good
idea to write down my sexual history, since I lost my original diary, and
that's pretty much what all it was.

   My first boyfriend, I'll call him "Adam" like the bible.  We didn't have
sex, just fooled around, kissed, I watched him pee, and showed him, but we
never touched each other naked, because I was like 9.  I was curious, and
Tiff already gave me the Talk, on account of getting my period.  So, I
guessed I needed a boyfriend, but he broke up with me after he heard about
me kissing other boys behind the portables.

   Then, I guess there was a lot of boys, because I started to pop out in
6th grade, and they all wanted to see them.  There was sort of a club, they
didn't have a club house, but just hung out at each others houses, and
trailers, and apartments.  Sleepovers, and study nights whenever we was in
school.  I was the first girl, they kind of let that rule slip, even though
it was the only rule, cause they were growing out of the whole Cooties
thing, and started noticing me.

   They had pornos, or there dads, and I kind of took over as someone to
jerk off to.  I brought some to, and even had some movies, so the ones that
were already coming gave me facials like in the movies.  Mostly older
brothers, since all the boys in my school were still hairless, and shorter
then me.

   Then in middle school, I kind of went out with Cane, and Able.  (Tony
says it's a good idea to not use real names, or places, since a lot of this
is illegal.) Able was in 8th grade, but he always hung out with his older
brother, and he was in high school.  He was in my Health Class, so we did
some sex ed together, but Cane caught us, and threatened to tell if I
didn't do him too.

   He was into Anal, and he kept asking me to do it, whenever his brother
wasn't around.  Able thought it was nasty, but Cane told me I could get
pregnent, and I didn't have pills, or rubbers yet.  I was still, like 11,
or 12, but I was already in a real bra, the old ones when Tiff grew out of
them.  I guess Able would be better for the older brother, because of the
Anal, but the younder one was really into Oral.  He liked to lick me, and
feel my boobies when we 69ed.

   Anyway, those names fit because what ended all that was they got
jealous, and ended up fighting over me instead of fucking.  We just did it
together that one time, then they would kind of cheat on each other, come
play with me, and even said not to tell each other.  I was with Abe
whenever Dad caught us, and decided to get me birth control, so I had no
excuse for but fucking after that, but Cane didn't like rubbers, and he
kind of got bored with me after that.

   I never really liked it, with him, anyway.  I don't know why I let him,
but he was kind of a bully, and I let him make me, I guess every time.  It
always hurt, because he was so rough, but not when I fingered myself with
my vibrader up my butt.  That still feels good, when I do it.  I don't know
why.

   Tony really likes Anal.  Not like Cane, it turns out that's who fucked
me with Dogs cum that first night.  I just remembered him saying "Nice, and
Tight!" before it all blurred together, but he was behind me, and I had a
face full of cocks.  I kind of got distracted, and he looked like a
stranger in the morning.

   He still calls me "Honey," and I like it when he says it.  I mean,
everyone does, it's like my biker name, but not like him.  I think I'm in
love, but I thought that so many times before.  It didn't feel like this,
or like I always imagined, it's like, I don't know.  When I think about
him, my heart doesn't beat faster, and I don't get all horny.  I feel safe,
like he'll always be there, I don't have to worry about him leaving, he
doesn't look at other girls, and it really feels good when he fucks my ass.

   I love it, more then I ever thought I would.  I guess it's nice that I
can finger myself at the same time, and it's so much more intense.  I can't
get the pill any more, without a valid ID.  The old sister trick just
doesn't work any more, I don't know if it ever really did, if they read it.
I'm too short, and don't weigh as much, and my eyes aren't green.

   Anyway, I think it's because he's so gentle.  He doesn't want to hurt
me, even said so, he just likes the ass better.  And when I finger him,
it's neat how it squeezes my fingers when he cums in my mouth.  He tastes
good to, and he likes my little fingers, cause I can get all 4 up in him,
almost to the thumb.  He has a best friend, Neil, and they fuck.  Not like
boyfriends, there's nothing romantic about it, and I'm not jealous, I just
can't fuck him, for real.

   And it's only fair if he fucks me to, we just agreed to do it together.
Then "It's not cheating, its Sharing." I'm really starting to love the
double penetration.  Or when Neil gets behind him, and fucks him into me.
He always wears a rubber, to fuck either of us, and that's how I know
Tony's straight.  Because he loves me, even if he really likes it in the
ass.

   Dog Came back.  It was kind of biker season, school let out, or Tony
switched over to summer semester, so it was like every weekend, and if he
got off, Dog cane to the party.  We shared the Pole room, right next to the
one I woke up in, that first morning, and Dog came down early.  We talked,
and hung out, and Tony told him about his anal thing.  He said he'd never
had a dick as big as Dog's Bone, and it turns out, he wasn't too straight,
either.

   So, he fucked us.  I never wanted it inside me again, it was too much
like giving birth, I imagine, and one of the big reasons why they believed
my Rape story at the clinic.  So, I rode his hog, like a seat while Tony
fucked me back, and forth on it.  Then, when he was ready, we scooted up,
and he worked it in.  God, he cummed so hard, and dog got off right away,
probly from the way his ass squeezed him.

   Then we went down, partied a while, and I danced a little.  The mamas,
that's what they call them, they showed me how to dance, work the pole,
take my clothes off instead of just getting naked, and jumping their bones.
I didn't pull a train, ever again, or get bukkaked, because I didn't really
need it.  I don't know if I ever did, just thought it made me feel more
attractive, or whatever.

   Tony called it "Historyonic." Always neding attention, didn't matter if
it was good or bad, before I grew out of it.  He fixed it, gave me what I
wanted, and didn't even know it.  Love, he loved me, and just knowing that
ment I didn't have to look for it any more.  Show off, flashing for
attention, getting jealous at any other girls getting it.  Hating them for
it.  That's not what I needed, it still felt nice whenever a guy noticed,
but the only one I needed was Tony.

   And Neil, or Dog, or whoever else we wanted to share.  That was the real
"Breakthrough." We are in love, it's not just his love for me, or my love
for him, but we love each other so much, we can share something as
unimportant as sex with other men.  As long as we got the rubbers.

   Oh yeah, I just remembered.  Uh, how could I forget?  I mean is Rape
something you forget?  I guess I decided not to think about it, it was to
painful.  I mean, I always enjoyed sex, it's something I always loved,
since I discovered it, and even before.  I didn't know what it was, but I
knew I wanted it.  And here I go, avoiding it again.  Is that how my mind
works?  Would I know?

   I guess I just started thinking about it more, not just fantasies, but
why I do it.  I never thought that there was a motive for fucking, that was
the motive, right?  But talking to Tony, you know that's what first
attracted to me?  I piqued his curiosity, he has such a curious mind, and
he's willing to research, investigate.  He's even gotten me into a creative
writing class.  Not through the school, a local artist, she takes cash, and
doesn't really ask questions.  She's helping me with my grammar, and
spelling, and seems to have an interest in my experiences.

   So, I have to look at it, all of it.  Not just the good parts, or the
ones I tell myself I enjoyed, because it satisfied my childish need for
attention.  And then, there was the rape.  Tony says his teacher told him
like a third of girls are sexually abused before the age of 18.  Or
something like that, here I am, 3 years from that, and I've been through
Covert Incest, coerced into sodomy by a sadistic narcissist, and after
that, I slutted it up a while, pretty much sexual compulsive adictive/self
destructive repetition compulsion, whatever that means.

   But I took a few years off.  I went through a "Moody phaze" walked
around zombiefied, it happened to coincide with dad marrying Gwen, so
everyone thought I was acting out because of that, even me.  Actually, I
stopped acting out, which with my Histrionic personality, is almost as much
a warning sign, a cry for help as a normal girl cutting herself, or
attempting suicide.

   I shut down, couldn't feel, anything.  Didn't even cry, I wanted to die,
but didn't have the will to do anything about it.  How long did I lock
myself in my room, and just lay there, on my bed, staring up at the
ceiling, like I was already dead?  That's why they sent me to the
Therapist, they thought it was depression, said it enough times I even
believed it, for what, a couple years now?

   It was crazy, kind of scary knowing I can lie to myself like that.  If I
can't even trust me, my own memories?  It's just so hard to pick at, think
about, so I have to make myself.  Of course, I was the perfect victim, the
way I dressed, acted, flirting with everyone on 3 legs, shaking my new
found body in the slutty clothes dad got my sister.  You don't have to
blame the victim guys, we all do it.  I was asking for it, just to stupid
to know it.  I remember thinking that, that I deserved it.

   Any kind of attention, right?  Even the worst kind?  Well, I got it.  I
don't even know who he was, and now I probably never would.  I snuck out,
like always, went out drinking and smoking pot in the park, blew a guy in
the bushes that night, and staggered home strunk.  He must've been waiting
for me.

   I frose, his hand over my mouth, didn't even try to scream.  I had
fantasies, I don't know why, fucked up shit like getting kidnapped,
tortured, humilated, and strangled, but nothing like this.  It wasn't hot,
or romantic, it was just terrifying.  And he just forced me into the
bushes, under my window, of course nobody was in there.  He had to know
that, how long had he been watching me?

   It was over quick, why did I even think that I didn't get a chance to
get off?  Who the fuck thinks that?  He just bent me over, pulled my skirt
up, my panties down, and raped me.  He held my mouth in both hands.  Laced
his fingers together, and yanked my head back so all I could do was squeel.
I thought he was going to break my neck, but then he was gone before I even
knew it.

   I cried, then I climbed in my window, and cried.  Then I cried in the
shower, and then in my bed.  It must have been a friday, because I cried
all weekend, but nobody noticed, nobody cared.  Hard to believe how along
you can be in a house, living with 4 other people, if you count Gwen. 
She'd just moved in all her stuff, I remember it was like the other week
before that.

   Why didn't anybody notice?  If they asked me why I was crying, would I
have told them?  OMG, I'm sorry, I just need to cry for a while now...