Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 "C" is for "Congreve", "Cockburn" and ...

   "Christ!  Let me in!  Oh, please, open the door!" wailed Lucy Bennett.
The dishevelled young woman banged on the stout wooden panels of the locked
door of the large house adjacent to the printers.  Four of her companions,
equally distressed, clustered around her.  Three of them clutched carpet
bags.  The navy yard was burning and one of the ships was alight.  Evening
was approaching and most of Washington's remaining inhabitants were
desperately trying to flee south.  Two of the young women raised their
tear-stained faces to the window above the doorway where they hoped to see
the owner of the establishment, and their recently abandoned employer,
Mistress Katherine Du Barrie.

   Lucy held her breath as she heard the rattle of a chain and the noise of
the door bolts being withdrawn.  She was relieved as the door opened, and
delighted to see the familiar face of Jessie, one of the two mulatto slaves
who served the ladies (and on busy nights, some of the ladies' beaus), of
the Du Barrie establishment, commonly known as, "Kitty's Cathouse".  Behind
Jessie, calm and stately as ever, stood Madam Du Barrie.  The
forty-year-old matriarch was tastefully dressed in pale blue silk, gathered
below her imposing bosom with a thin gold cord.  Her second best string of
pearls adorned her throat.

   "What happened?" asked Madam Kitty when all the young ladies were safely
inside the large hallway and the door once again securely fastened.

   "They burned the bridge!  It was awful!  We were on it, trying to cross,
when they set fire to the bridge!" sobbed Lucy.

   "The British?"

   "No!  The fire started on the south bank.  It must have been an
accident," Said Miriam setting down her bag.

   "Or god-damned cowardice!" snarled Rebecca, forgetting for the moment
Madam Kitty's detestation of strong language.  "That rotten cunt-struck
gutless s.o.b.  we call a pres..."

   "Enough!" snapped the madam.  "Rebecca, you know I will not tolerate
that sort of talk!  And in particular you know how much I abominate the use
of the `C' word!"

   Rebecca bit her tongue and muttered an apology which the madam
gracefully accepted.

   "I doubt we'll be working tonight ladies.  But should the British remain
in our fair capital we may be obliged to open our doors tomorrow under what
could be trying circumstances.  I suggest you return to your rooms, freshen
up then join me in the parlour for a glass of wine and a cold collation
before retiring."

   So saying the statuesque red headed madam left her young coquettes (a
"c" word she did approve of) to compose themselves after what had been a
frightening experience.

   ***

   "Come on!  Give us a song, Corporal!" called Rifleman George Smith of
Flank Company 85th (Buckinghamshire Volunteers) Light Infantry.  "'Bout how
we made those rascals run!" He was red faced and bog eyed and as cocky as
any eighteen-year-old virgin soldier who had survived his first brush with
a real live enemy without showing the terror he had felt.

   It was midnight and the small group of light infantrymen sat around a
candle-lit table in the kitchen of the residence of the President of the
United States.  Outside, the city - such as it was - was wreathed in smoke.
"I'll drink to that!" said Rifleman Goss.  The big rifleman, heavyweight
champion of the regiment, raised a pewter mug of watered wine.  It was the
strongest tipple Sergeant King would permit the handful of men remaining
under his command.  He needed them sober for the incendiary tasks ahead.

   Grimy, sweat-stained, tired beyond sleep, the group was now happily
devouring a large ham, a wheel of cheese and several fresh loaves.  The
bread had been baked that morning, August 24th, 1814, in anticipation of
the victory celebration planned by President Madison.

   The detachment had been whittled down steadily throughout the long, hot,
August day and now only Sergeant King and four green-uniformed soldiers
remained from the original detail of thirty men from the 85th.  They had
been attached to the Admiral's party of 200 for special duties.  In
addition to their normal equipment every two men had been given one
Congreve "Carcass" rocket to carry.  Just the sharply pointed warhead, not
the 15 foot stick which slotted into the three metal loops on the side
before ignition.  The cylinders were about a yard in length and weighed
more than 30 pounds.  Both the propellant and warhead were highly
combustible.  When Rifleman Evans asked why they were carrying, "these
abominations of Satan that belong to the godforsaken navy" (strong language
for "Chapel" Evans) as well as his Baker rifle, 80 rounds of ammunition and
three days rations, he was told they were Admiral Cockburn's bed pans.  If
he wished, Sergeant King informed him, he could complain to the Admiral
himself or to General Robert Ross.  Evans, a stunted miner's son from the
Rhonda, still grumbling, declined.

   Lieutenant Stanwix, a young cousin of the Colonel's, had been one of the
first casualties.  One of six who had succumbed to the heat.  There had
been no rain for three weeks, according to the locals.  Everyone in the
invading force had felt the sun's power during their seven-hour forced
march from the overnight bivouac to where the enemy waited, in his prepared
position, overlooking the eastern branch of the Potomac.  The 85th, plus
three battalions of line infantry and two of Royal Marines, had made short
work of the defenders, most of whom had fled after the first exchange of
fire.  A few rounds of Congreve rockets fired by Cockburn's sailors had
started the rout.

   Some must have stayed and fought thought Sergeant King.  He had been
standing close to the Admiral when a staff officer gave his report, and
heard that the butcher's bill was close on sixty dead and nearly 200
wounded.  He had been glad to wade across the river just after midday.  The
cooling effect of the water was worth the discomfort of wet trousers.  He
was also glad when he heard that they had only six more miles to march to
reach Washington from the battlefield of Bladensburg.

   The detail lost another soldier (and General Ross, a second horse) at
sunset as the 200 entered the city.  The house from which the sniper had
taken the fatal shot was burned.  Powder from one of Colonel Congreve's
rockets served to get the fire going.

   "So that's what we're carrying these unholy things for, is it?" said
Evans at the time.  While orders were being given for groups to set about
razing various government buildings, Sergeant King overheard General Ross
express his disapproval of the activity to Admiral Cockburn.  The NCO edged
closer to hear the exchange.  The Admiral had few qualms about the task. 
He made it clear to General Ross, in no uncertain terms, that the Commander
in Chief of the North American Station himself, Admiral Sir Alexander
Cochrane, had ordered the destruction.  "...  in revenge for what the
scoundrels did to the city of York.  Teach the rogues a lesson.  Damn their
eyes!"

   As General Ross rode away with a small escort the Admiral spotted
Sergeant King, "You, Sergeant, stay by me.  I'm going to pay a call on Mr
Madison.  You may have the pleasure of reducing his house to ashes.  You
may even take a souvenir!  Nothing valuable mind!  No!  Anything of value
must be burned.  Come along!" He kicked his horse into a trot and Sergeant
King and his four remaining riflemen jogged along behind.

   For two hours now they had been waiting for further orders, while a
larger group from Headquarters made merry in the banqueting hall where a
dinner for forty officers had been planned by Dolley Madison, the
President's wife.

   "Yes, Geordie, give us a song!" the sergeant echoed.  He and Corporal
Bates had been with the battalion since it had returned from Jamaica six
years ago.  The then line battalion had been called back to Shorncliffe to
be retrained as light infantry.  The two friends had shared the misery of
the Walcheren expedition but had luckily avoided the ague that had downed
so many of their comrades.  Both were present at the fall of Fuentes d'Onor
in Portugal where Charlie King gained his promotion.  King and Bates were
two of the Regiment's most popular "old soldiers".  Both were fit,
unwounded and just turned thirty.  Geordie had a good voice and a sharp
wit. He cleared his throat, grinned, and began to sing, to the tune of a
well known north country song.

   "Oh, me lads, tha should av seen us gannin, Gannin along the Washin'ton
Road, leavin' the buggers stannin, T'were all t' lads an' lassies there,
all wi' gloomy faces, Gannin along the Washin'ton Road, T' see Bladensburg'
races!

   His audience, small though it was, reacted noisily and with unrestrained
glee.  All joined in the encore, even "Chapel" Evans who was a purist who
would normally have baulked at the poor scansion and the foul language.

   "That deserves another drink, Sergeant?" queried Goss, hopefully.

   "You should stick to the milk, Gossie, like me!" interjected Evans, "You
could drink as much as you like then, see."

   Before Evans could get started on one of his favourite sermons the door
leading to the banqueting hall opened and the Admiral himself strolled in.

   "Squad!" barked King automatically.  The riflemen struggled to their
feet.

   "Sit down!  Sit down!" said the great man.  "I like your song, Sergeant
King!" The Admiral was flushed and slightly unsteady on his feet

   "Not mine, Sir!  Corporal Bates is the poet, Sir!"

   "Well, Corporal, my congratulations on `The Bladensburg Races'.  Very
droll!  Mind if I use it in my dispatches?"

   "`Course not, Sir!" Bates' grin could not have been broader.

   The Admiral turned to Sergeant King.  "I seem to have enough willing
hands in the banqueting hall to deal with Mr Madison's residence, Sergeant.
So I won't require your detachment further this evening.  What I want you
to do, however, is go to this address," he handed King a scarp of paper,
"...  and burn the place down!".

   King read the address, scribbled in pencil.  "The `National
Intelligencer', Sir?  A newspaper?"

   "A scurrilous enemy rag which has defamed not only me but also Admiral
Cochrane!  I would not grace it with the title `newspaper'!"

   The Sergeant hesitated.  "I understood from my officer that we were only
to destroy government property, Sir."

   "Yes!  Yes!" said the Admiral testily.  "It is a government facility. 
It is to be burned.  You are to destroy it, Sergeant.  Understood?"

   "Yessir!"

   "Good.  Rendevous with the main body at Widow Suter's house up the
street by mid morning.  You can't miss it.  Er, and leave one of those
contraptions," - the Admiral indicated the pair of Congreve rockets propped
against the kitchen wall - "for this place."

   "You can have mine, Admiral!" said Evans to the Admiral's back as he
left the kitchen, but too quietly to be heard.



   ***

   "Tell me, Jessie, what did you discover?" said Katherine to the young
slave.

   Jessie, still wrapped in her hooded cloak set down her lantern on the
hall floor before replying.

   "You were right, Ma'am, there was someone breaking in to the print
works. Soldiers!  Five of them.  One as big as Sam Cassidy and one no
bigger than me." Jessie giggled.

   Katherine frowned.  "Did they see you, Jessie?"

   "Not at first Ma'am.  They was too busy searching the place.  I heard
the officer say they could bed down there for the rest of the night but the
big one said it would be best if they burned it now and got back to the
President's House before the animal ate, drank and burned the lot!"

   "The `animal'?"

   "That's what he said, Miss Kitty.  Leastwise that's what I heard."

   "What else, girl?"

   "The little one had this ...  thing." Jessie giggled again."Only it
can't have been .  It was too big and pointed!"

   "Thing?"

   "Yes, M'.  A big dildo.  Like you keep for your `special' gentlemen.  Mr
Ar..."

   "I understand, Jessie!" Katherine interrupted.

   "He was standing in the doorway.  I tried to get closer to see what he
was doin' when he spotted me!"

   "Heavens, girl!  What did he do?"

   "Nothin', Ma'am.  He just stood there staring.  Mouth wide open. 
Holding the thing.  I ran."

   "So you heard no more?"

   "No Ma'am.  But if they set fire to the printers..." Jessie's big brown
eyes widened in anticipated horror.

   "Quite!  I will speak to them.  Help me dress.  The white muslin gown, I
think.  One needs to make an impression.  And it's still a warm night.  But
before you do that, Jessie, wake the young ladies and warn them we may have
visitors after all.

   ***

   "What is it Evans?" snapped Sergeant King.  He and Corporal Bates had
returned from his inspection of the print works and determined that it
would burn readily.

   "I had a vision, Sergeant!"

   "Comes from drinking milk!" grinned Rifleman Goss.

   "A vision?"

   "Yes, Sergeant.  There was this ghostly figure, hooded and cloaked,
creeping about by the wall there." He pointed up the street.  "I was going
to challenge it when suddenly it changed!  It was like a small woman
dressed all in white.  An angel, I thought!  Or perhaps a nymph? 
Wonderful, it was!  A vision of feminine beauty.  Black hair she had and
the most beautiful big..."

   "Tits?" supplemented Smith.

   "...eyes!" glared the little Welshman.

   "Probably a local trying to work out who was making all the racket.  We
made a lot, breaking down the door.  Keep your eyes peeled and let me know
if you see any other `visions' Evans?" said Sergeant King.

   No more than twenty minutes later, the vision reappeared.  Gliding
smoothly out of the smoky darkness Jessie and her mistress approached the
would-be arsonists.  They were both dressed in gossamer thin gowns beneath
their cloaks.  The costume caught and held the soldiers' attention.  Evans
sent Smith to inform the sergeant.

   "`Chapel's' vision, she's brought her mum," whispered Smith in awe.

   "Who is in charge?" demanded Madam Kitty.

   "I guess that's me, Ma'am.  Sergeant Charles King.  Can I be of
service?" he grinned.

   Kitty regarded the well-built NCO.  She liked what she saw.  Open faced
and bright humourous eyes.  He was upright, broad shouldered, narrow hipped
but grubby and unshaven.

   King returned her stare.  A tall woman.  A redhead.  She was well built.
Her breasts, which she took no care to cover with her cloak, were round and
firm.  She was not afraid.

   "Perhaps," she said.  "But you cannot burn this place, if that is what
you intend!"

   "Madam, I must!" replied King.

   "If you do, you will destroy my, er, boarding house, which, I assure
you, is not the property of the United States government."

   "If I don't, the Admiral will have me flogged and hanged for disobeying
an order."

   "Admiral?  Ah, I see ...What Admiral?"

   "Admiral Cockburn, Ma'am.  He's in overall command."

   "Then what was told me, not four hours since, by the Scottish major was
a lie?  That General Ross had said no private property was to be damaged?
That there was to be no looting?  No rapine?  No sack?"

   "Ma'am," said King in a quiet voice, "The Admiral was most specific.  I
am to destroy the `National Intelligencer'.  I am to report its destruction
to him tomorrow morning.  He even gave me a written order to that effect."

   "May I see it?" It was a command, not a request.

   After a momentary hesitation King shrugged and handed her the pencilled
address, endorsed "to be destroyed!" Madam Kitty examined the order for a
moment.  She looked up and smiled.

   "I think I can save your neck and my business."

   "Oh," smiled King recovering the Admiral's note, "How?"

   "If you and your men would care to join me and my companions next door I
will explain.  If you don't like what I have in mind there will be time for
you to burn all of Washington before midmorning."

   There was a rumble of distant thunder and the horizon flickered with
lightning.

   Sergeant King hesitated.

   "Bed and Bawd!  Charlie!  Sounds like a fair offer," said Corporal Bates
in a low voice.

   Another, louder, growl of thunder and a more prolonged display of
electrical fireworks lit the tableau outside the print shop's broken door.

   "Be quick, or we will be caught in the storm!" Said Madam Kitty.  The
wind, suddenly gusting fiercely down the street, whipped her cloak and thin
white gown up above her hips, despite her attempts to preserve a little
modesty.

   "Right!" snapped the sergeant, "Quickly now.  Move it!  Follow the
ladies!"

   ***

   "What do you mean?" growled Admiral Cockburn as his horse moved
restlessly under him.  "You didn't burn the printers?  Damn you Sergeant, I
gave you an order!  I'll see your backbone for this!  God strike me blind
if I don't!"

   The fact that Sergeant King and his detachment looked clean, shaved, and
highly polished did not ameliorate the Admiral's ire.  The excitement of
the night had given him a thumping headache and his mouth tasted like bilge
water.  General Ross had emerged from breakfast at the boarding house where
he had established his small headquarters and was keenly observing the
exchange.

   "May I explain, Sir?" said Sergeant King.

   "You'd damn well better!" grumbled the Admiral.

   "We were about to set fire to the printers when we were approached by a
number of ladies from the city.  They had been unable to flee because the
Americans had burned the bridge, Sir.  When they saw what we were up to
they pleaded with us to stop.  The print works lie close to their homes,
Sir, and had we razed it many of their houses would have been destroyed!"

   "So?"

   "So instead of burning it we smashed it up.  We broke the presses and
other machinery.  Reduced the furniture to matchwood and scattered the type
far and wide.  They won't be back in business for a while, Sir."

   "An order, Sergeant, is an order!  I told you to burn the goddamned
place!"

   "With respect, Sir, they had been advised by a Major that their property
was safe and, although you told me to burn the `National Intelligencer'
your written order said `destroy'.  Which we did, Sir, most thoroughly!"
Sergeant King proffered the scrap of paper from the night before.

   Th e Admiral took it, glanced at the hasty scribble and handed it back.
"You're a bold fellow, Sergeant!" he glowered.

   "None bolder, Admiral!" said General Ross who had quietly approached the
ramrod backed Sergeant confronting the crapulous Admiral.  "First into the
breach at Fuentes, I believe!"

   "So?  So!" muttered the Admiral, "Well, there's a thing!"

   "I thought you might like these, Sir, as a souvenir.  Nothing valuable,
of course!" said the sergeant, breaking what was becoming an embarrassing
silence.  He snapped his fingers.  Corporal Bates ran forward and offered
up a heavy canvas bag to the Admiral, whose horse skittered back a few
paces.

   "Ah!  Corporal Bates!" said the Admiral.  "What now?  More poetry?  I
think not." He reached down into the bag and removed a slug of grey
metal."What's this?  Eh?"

   Sergeant King answered, "We removed every piece of type with the letter
`C' on it, Admiral.  That way, even when they mend their presses, the
rascals will not be able to traduce you or Admiral Cochrane, Sir!"

   There was a pause while the naval officer absorbed the thought behind
the "gift".

   "Ha!" he said eventually.  "Ha!  Damned good!  Well done!  Nor
`Congress', nor `Congreve' nor any word beginning with or containing a `C'!
You're bright as well as bold Sergeant.  Carry on!"

   As the senior officers trotted away Geordie Bates breathed a sigh and
said to his friend, "Did you think of that, or did she?"

   King grinned.  "It was something she said.  Madam Kitty doesn't like the
`C' word, Corporal.  Didn't you know?" *** By lunch time the following day
the invaders had gone.  The inmates of "Kitty's Cathouse" were stirring.

   "What shall I do with this Godforsaken abomination of Satan?" Jessie
asked in an accent reminiscent of the Rhonda Valley.  "Such a big weapon
for such a little man!"