WARNING, SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL! ADULTS ONLY!
VERY SHORT STORIES (Jokes In The Oz Vernacular) by Ozman
Sex in the Shower
In a recent survey, people who are NYC fans have proved to
be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge
86% of NYC fans said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.
*
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Deidre or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both excellent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the coffee machine the next morning.
Deidre came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Deidre, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she asked wearily. "I feel like shit."
*
A Rugby playing bloke after a successful match goes into a pub
and the barmaid asks him what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from
between your tits", he says.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my
husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I
want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your ar$e and lick it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it
again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now, what do you want?
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and
fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from
the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs
to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up my love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between
my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse
cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny
with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair and
switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can chug-a-lug 15
pints of Guinness.
*
Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ your perception is
a little different.
A Missouri farmer in his pick-up, drove to a
neighbour's, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" "No sir, he isn't;
he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?" "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, He went with Mom
and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I
can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I
really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your
brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to
talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for
the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how
much he charges for Howard."
*
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker
standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain
to follow.
"A hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her partner on his
jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became
even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard?!"
*
"Tell me you love me Johnny?"
" 'Course I love yuh. I fuck yer enough don't I?"
"That's not love, it's lust."
"Well I lust yer then."
*
They say my granny was the world's worst slut: it seems she went down on
the Titanic.
*
Rectitude: the manner adopted by a proctologist at work.
*
Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist.
*
A man comes home from work to find his ten-year-old son and heir missing
from his very own scene of domestic bliss.
"Where's Billy?" he demands of his spouse.
"He's been impossibly obscene in speech and I sent him to bed without any
dinner," she replied, apparently offended deeply at what she's been told.
"What did he say," asked the father.
"Ask him yourself, I'm certainly not going to repeat it," his lady-wife
told him.
Going upstairs to confront his errant son, the father demands to know the
exact words the boy used to his mother.
The lad shrugs, "Mum asked me what we did at school and I told her that I
got to fuck Miss Lightbody."
"Was that the truth?" he enquired as he visualized the delectable teacher
in the nude.
"Yep," answered Billy. "I was dared to ask her about fucking and she said
she'd show me after school, if I was game. I was."
The father asked a few further questions to satisfy himself that sexual
intercourse had actually occurred, then went down to the kitchen to grill a
couple of thick steaks.
"What're you doing?" his wife wants to know.
"I'm cooking these for the boy and you make sure he gets the same for his
breakfast. No son of mine's fucking on corn flakes and sandwiches!"
*
A recently elected parliamentarian rose to make his maiden speech to the
house.
"I am a country member......" he began.
"Yeah," agreed the interjectors on the other side of the chamber. "We
remember."
*
A young bloke is watching football on TV when his girlfriend asks him,
"Do you love me Derek, I mean, really, really, love me?"
"'course I do, I fucks you enough doesn't I?"
"That's not love, it's lust," she tells him sadly.
"Well okay, I lusts you then."
*
The World's greatest drawback is an elephant's foreskin. A wallet made
from an elephant's foreskin can be given a quick rub to double as an over-
night bag.
*
Back in the days before Viagra and surgical penile implants, a bloke who
was having increasing difficulty with the dreaded soft-middle-inch went to
consult with his physician.
"Well I'm not in a position to do anything for you under current medical
science," the doctor explains morosely. "Would you be willing to try a folk
cure that seems to be having a fair degree of success at the moment."
"Yeah, sure," agrees the patient and is given a referral by the doctor.
The alternative practitioner doesn't really fit the mould of any doctor
he's seen before, you know, navy blue singlet, stubbies and Blunny boots,
but he's reputed to be having wide success.
"Now," he says, "I'll give you a local anesthetic first, then the main
item to fix your problem."
The latter was a syringe the size of a bike pump sitting beside the novo-
caine injector.
He had the treatment and went home with a numb, but erect penis which
recovered its feeling later that night and was central to his enjoyment of
several sexual interludes with his wife. He had great sex for a week, but
his erection seemed permanent and he went back to the alternative medico.
"I'm sorry," he explained to the patient, "but there's no going back now.
The process is irreversible."
"Why? What was in that syringe?"
"Two of sand, one of cement."
*
A middle-aged couple in a bus converted to a campervan were rolling along
a highway when they were pulled over by a traffic cop.
"What's the problem officer?" asks the bloke.
"Nothing at all sir," replies the cop. "I was just interested in your
caravan. I'm thinking of buying one, you know, a conversion."
"What'd he say, what'd he say?" yells the wife who's deaf and her spouse
had taken the batteries from her hearing aid to get her to sleep and give
him a bit of peace.
"He says he likes our campervan, dear," he yells back.
"So where've you been?" enquires the cop.
"All over the country," the bloke tells him and rattles off a couple of
hundred towns.
"What'd he say, what'd he say?" the wife wants to know.
"He asked where we've been,dear," he yells again.
"And where's home?" asks the cop.
"Charleville, Queensland," the guy tells him proudly.
"What'd he say, what'd he say?"
"He asked where we're from, dear."
"Charleville," sniggers the cop. "Bloody Charleville. You know I once
went to Charleville on a social football club trip and booze up. Even
though I was still young and green I had the worst fuck of my life in
Charleville."
"What'd he say, what'd he say?"
"He reckons he knows you, love."
*
Please stand on the seat when using this toilet, the crabs in here jump
almost a metre!
*
A man is walking through the park when he's set upon, mugged, robbed and
left handcuffed, naked, hugging a large tree. Some hours later another man
comes along and looks at him with one raised eyebrow.
"Oh thank Gawd!" cried the victim, explaining how he was assulted and
robbed.
The newcomer stepped up behind him, unzipping his flies.
"Jutht ithn't your day ith it?" he lisps.
*
Mrs Gaffney had been to the doctor and her husband asked her about it on
arriving home from work.
"Well," she says. "He gives us this suppository thing and says I got to
put it in the back passage and have a lie down for a half an hour."
"So how did it go?" he asks.
"Well," she huffed. "I put it in the back passage, the front hallway, the
living room, kitchen, bathroom and laundry. For all the good it's done I
might just as well have shoved it up my arse."
*
My Great Uncle had a very strong libido which really became something of
a problem when he was widowed in middle age. Initially he tried to ignore
his needs, but then began sexually sampling the female livestock until he
found what he wanted.
"Boy," he told me in his earthquake inducing voice. "Sometimes I feel a
bit wild and debauched and need a bit of really wild sex. Emus! The young
female emus are best. You take them up the back paddock, you know, the long
narrow one with the mile of downhill, take a firm grip, slot the love wand,
whip her up to a full gallop, then get out of step!"
*
My son was four years old when he actually noticed a dead sheep for the
first time as we did the morning rounds of the farm on the four-wheeler.
It had obviously expired a couple of days earlier because all legs pointed
stiffly heavenward.
"Why's she doing that?" asked my heir.
"She's died and gone to heaven to be with God," I explained.
Several days later I returned home in the evening after helping out my
neighbour for the day. The kid was waiting outside for me.
"Hey Dad, you remember the sheep you told me about the other day?" he
asked and I nodded. "Well, the same thing happened to Mummy."
"What happened?" I asked in shock."
"Yeah," the boy explains. "Mummy was on the ground in the hayshed with
her arms and legs up like the sheep. She yelled out, 'oh God, I'm coming',
and if it hadn't been for the John Deere man we would have lost her."
*
At the hospital reception desk a large, bottle blonde woman of middle
age was trying to explain her needs to the nurse.
"I'll need to see an upturn," she says. "'ave to 'ave a mendical
contamination."
Nurse thinks. "Do yo mean an intern?"
"Yeah," agrees the large lady.
"And a medical examination?"
"Yeah, and I'll 'ave to get in the fraternity award."
The nurse was with it now. "You mean the maternity ward, don't you?"
"Yeah well, I dunno about all the big words, but I 'aven't demonstrated
for a couple of munce and I reckon I'm stagnant!"
*
A man fell down into the sewer, but he couldn't swim so he just went
through the motions.
*
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the street?
*
*
Sister Mary Priscilla was walking back to the convent when she noticed a
pretty little girl in a lacy party dress and her hair tied with ribbons. By
her side, on a leash, trotted a nicely groomed, platinum coloured, maltese-
type puppy.
"Hello, what's your name little girl?" enquired Sister Mary.
"I'm Miranda."
"And what about your pretty little puppy?"
"We call him Porky," Miranda smiled sweetly.
"Oh yes, I can see why," chuckled Sister Mary. "It's because he's so fat."
"No Sister," Miranda explains. "It's 'cause when we go to the abattoirs
he fucks pigs!"
*
A lady named Liz was driving in the outback in accordance with her duties
as a government census taker, but by late afternoon her car began to play
up and worry her due to the remoteness from civilization. By pure good luck
she saw a distant farmhouse light in the evening gloom and her engine gave
out as she rolled up to the front door.
She explained her problem to the farmer who invited her to dine with the
family and said he had a bed for her overnight. With dinner she met the
farmer's wife and their twin sons, Ted and Jed, who were, it seemed, just
slightly intellectually impaired, but seriously hunky. After bathing she
retired to her bedroom where she was joined by the 'boys' who explained
that the giant bed was theirs, but that she could share it with them. She
accepted, hardly believing her luck, despite the fact that her compliance
had been taken for granted.
With the lights out they all undressed and mutual fondling ensued; Liz
both excited and slightly alarmed at the size of their hard tools.
"Now guys," she said to them. "You wouldn't want me to get pregnant,
would you?"
"Oh no Miss," they chorused.
"Okay, then we'll have to put these on," she told them, producing a
condom for each.
Liz had a wonderfully debauched night, a hazy dream of being penetrated in
every orifice and crushed between the two muscular bodies, waking tired and
a little sore. The farmer had fixed the car and, after breakfast, she hit
the road.
Three weeks later the boys were working in the barn when Jed turned to Ted
and said, "Do you really care if Miss Liz has a baby?"
"Nope," says Ted.
"Well let's take these stupid things off, I'm busting for a piss."
*
Janice wasn't feeling so bright and went to the local medical centre for
a consultation where she had a physical examination and gave a blood sample.
On her departure the doctor asked her to bring in a specimen to the next
consultation and, not knowing that particular practitioner and not wanting
to display her ignorance as to the meaning of the word, decided to ask her
husband and kept quiet.
As things transpired, Frank didn't know either, but suggested that she
ask Brenda next door.
"Oh Frank, don't ask me to do that. You know what happens whenever we get
close to each other."
What happened was fighting; not your normal female cat-fighting, but the
kind of brutal and bloody stoush that Jim Corbett and Big John Sullivan
once involved themselves in.
"Come on Janice," Frank admonished. "Take some flowers and go out of your
way to be nice for once."
She set off and then returned a few minutes later, clothing torn, face
and body bloodied, bare patches on her scalp and several teeth missing.
"See," she said to Frank.
"What happened?"
"I did as you said and asked her 'what's a specimen' as I gave her the
flowers. She said 'piss in a bottle', I said 'shit in your hat' and it was
on again.
*
As a young chap I was apparently unsuitable for service as either a
soldier or priest so, at Mother's insistance, I joined the Bible Society
and went to some of the more remote outposts of the Empire to distribute
the Word.
Mother always intended to travel with me on an expedition, but I was able
to put her off for the first ten years. I mean, a chap would look a right
charlie having his mater come along in the world of men, wouldn't he?
Eventually she just wouldn't take 'no' for an answer and I was forced to
take her on an expedition through the African country of the M'buggar
people, a tribe whose atrocities on captives were a fate worse than death
itself. They had such an evil reputation that even the porters insisted on
bearing firearms, so I kept this information to myself as there are certain
things that one just doesn't want ladies, particularly one's mater, to hear
about.
Well of course there was a great deal of sniggering behind hands by the
other chaps, especially when Mother wandered off to look at flowers or
birds. She became less and less careful and eventually I caught up with her
more than a mile from the other chaps, just as we were surrounded by nasty
M'buggar tribesmen. My new Martini-Henry rifle was no match for several
dozen assegai armed men, so we had to give up and were bourne off to the
village, stripped naked, tied over a huge log and sodomized for seventy-two
hours by every man and boy in the village. It wasn't all that bad for me,
I'd fagged at boarding school, but Mother was appalled!
*
After an appendectomy a whore made a fortune on the side.
*
"Making New Friends", a 'DIY' book by Ed Gein.
*
'Innuendo', brand name of an Italian suppository.
*
{MORE TO COME}