MST: Lucky Coin by ghytrenas
The Mad MSTr (MadMSTr@SPAMMENOT.gmx.net)

The following is a parody of the work of erotic fiction entitled "Lucky
Coin", written by ghytrenas. The original story along with the author's
email address can be found at
        http://www.mcstories.com/LuckyCoin/LuckyCoin.html
As always, no greater insult to the author is intended than what he intended
to us.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is by Best Brains, Inc. The
characters are just on loan, and no copyright infringement or claim to
ownership is intended.

If you're wondering where the traditional intro, exit and interludes are:
this story is small enough to benefit from their omission. Call it instant
MSTing.


ALL: We've got story sign!

[6..5..4..3..2..1..]

> Lucky Coin
>
> Set in the 1950's, Howard finds a mail-in ad that provides all that it
> promises, and more...

CROW: I like it already.
MIKE: I wonder why it has to be the 50's, though.
TOM: We'll just have to wait and see.

> Chapter One
>
> Howard closed the door to his house, running up to his room. He tossed
> the new Timely Comics comic book on his bed and flopped down beside
> it. It was fairly dark in his room. A few dirty clothes were scattered on
> his floor but overall he kept a neat and orderly living space. A stacked
> pile of old comic books was sitting against the wall with the window.

CROW: It's good that I have a long attention span, or I would be bored
already.
MIKE: You? A long attention span?
CROW: I was being sarcastic.
MIKE: And all is right with the world again.

> He squirmed around on the bed until the light streaming in from the
> window was laying across the comic book. It was the next issue of his
> favorite series, "The Black Kat." He would never admit it to anyone but
> he thought she really made him hot,

TOM: He wasn't *quite* sure, though.

> he had often had fantasies about her using mind control against other
> superheroes, like in the issue where she was subdued by the power of
> Mesmos

TOM: Mesmos?
CROW: To rhyme with Lesbos!
MIKE: I think not, Crow. Cool name, though.
(CROW & TOM stare.)
MIKE: What?!
CROW: I'd like to state that I am not in any way affiliated with this man or
his imagination.
TOM: Seconded.
MIKE: Squares.

> and forced to serve his evil will.
>
> Howard broke free from his daydreaming as his hard-on poked painfully
> against his crotch.

CROW: Ehm... isn't that *part* of his crotch?
MIKE: You really want to go into male anatomy at this point?
CROW: No, not really. Just curious.

> He squirmed around on the bed some more until it had been properly
> adjusted.

TOM: I take it he's not talking about the bed.
MIKE: We'll never know.

> Then he looked at his new issue. After he had finished reading, he was
> thoroughly disappointed. In his opinion the whole series had gone
> downhill after Miss Masque defeated Mesmos.

CROW: I'm sure things started to go downhill a lot sooner.
TOM: Miss Masque. I'm beginning to understand why this has to be the
1950's.
CROW: Yeah, this is so lame the author couldn't have put it in any other
time frame and gotten away with it.
MIKE: Mesmos ain't bad.
CROW: We're not starting that again!

> He was just pondering re-reading some earlier issues when something
> caught his eye. Howard had been glancing through the mail-in ads
> section, which he sometimes enjoyed looking at, and he noticed an ad
> that caught his interest very thoroughly.
>
> HYPNOTIC WHIRLING COIN

TOM: Hoo boy.

> Hypnotize fast! Fascinating pocket-size invention. Hold plastic HYPNO-
> COIN in front of person. Then, by gently moving coin it whirls. It
> captures and holds their attention while they are hypnotized QUICKLY!
> With hypnosis explanation, including various methods used to produce
> hypnotic state.

CROW: What, no certificate of authenticity?
MIKE: It's still the 1950's, you know. Marketing has yet to reach its full
potential.

> Howard pondered what this meant. He could BE Mesmos! He could have
> women standing by his side, willingly, forced but WANTING to do
> whatever he wanted!

MIKE: Yeah!
TOM: Crow, are you worried about Mike too?
CROW: Not really. It'll wear off when he realizes its my job to get excited.
MIKE: NEVER!

> He almost laughed at himself though, these crappy ads never sold
> anything good. It was always junk that never worked. He stared at the
> penciled picture of the spiral coin. Five cents... that would mean he
> would have to wait on the next issue. But then, the issues were turned to
> crap, and if this junk actually worked then he would have much better
> than a comic book.

MIKE: Now look here young man, I've got a lovely bridge to sell to you...
CROW: I think the story's based on the premise that the coin will actually
work, Mike.
MIKE: Your point being? My bridge will work too, you know.
CROW: Ah. Right.

> Instilled with a driving ambition (or the drive of raging teenage
> hormones) Howard cut out the form, filled it in, and attached a nickel,
> sticking it all in an envelope.

CROW: Then he watched it intently for the magic pixies to come and
replace it with a hypnotic whirling coin.

> Chapter Two
>
> The wait seemed to take forever, but his mind was constantly at work
> designing new plans and ideas for his great scheme.

TOM: We're only in chapter two, and he's got a Great Scheme already.
MIKE: He learned from the master.
CROW: Who would that be?
MIKE: Why, Mesmos, mystical master of mesmerism, of course!
CROW: I definitely think you're getting into this a bit too much, Mike.
MIKE: Shut up!

> He figured he would try it out first on the neighbor girl that he had a
> huge crush on. He had asked her out once but of course she just laughed
> and walked right past him. She was a cheerleader who was going out
> with the football captain. Howard figured he would start small, and work
> his way up.

TOM: Cliche check! Nerdy guy has crush on girl next door?
CROW: Check.
TOM: Nerdy guy has crush on cheerleader?
CROW: Check that, too.
TOM: Cheerleader dates football captain?
MIKE: Check.
TOM: Nerdy guy gets girl through hypnotic powers?
CROW: It's not settled yet, but I think it's safe to say "check" to that one
as well.
TOM: Alright then! Raise the set and lower the expectations!

> Finally it came. He closed the door to his house quietly and rushed
> upstairs to his room. Howard tore open the rather small package and
> dumped out the contents onto his bed. Out from the enveloped spilled a
> cheap plastic disc and a half-sized sheet of paper. Reality hit him like a
> cold wave. What an idiot. It was junk after all.

MIKE: Well, that's it, I guess. It's a refreshing take on a worn-out genre,
but still a bit too short for...
TOM: *coughs*
MIKE: What?
TOM: It's not over yet, Mike.
MIKE: *sighs* Deep inside, I knew. I wanted it to work just this once, you
know?
CROW: There there. Now let's get back to our damnation.

> Sighing, he picked up the little piece of paper, unable to believe how
> much of a fool he had been. The instructions were pretty basic. He sat
> down on his bed and picked up the little plastic disc -- the "coin," and
> read the directions.
>
> He started spinning the little disc between his thumb and his forefinger
> as he read the instructions. It said that the important part was to focus
> attention on the disc and speak soft, easing words of relaxation. He
> imagined some of the things Mesmos would say when using his mind
> powers.

CROW: You know you want this one, Mike.
MIKE (Mesmos): Loooook into my eeeeeeyes.... Look deeeeeep into my
eeeeeeyes.... You are a chicken! Now cluck! Cluck! Cluck for me!
HAHAHAAAAA!
TOM: OK, Mike, that's enough.
MIKE: Awww!
CROW: "Cluck for me"? You get to hypnotize women and that's the best
you can come up with?
MIKE: You know what happened to the last guy who questioned me?
CROW: Yes, Mike. You made him think he was a chicken. You go right
ahead and milk that lame joke until there's no more lameness left.
TOM: My liege!
MIKE: Jerks.

> To Howard's surprise, he found that there was a little lever that allowed
> him to keep the disc spinning with a slight movement of the thumb,
> rather than manually spinning it.

TOM: Speaking of anatomy -- since when is the thumb no longer part of
the hand?
CROW: Ooh, I know this one! Is it pandas?
TOM: Errr... it was a rhetorical question, Crow.
CROW: Hm. I always miss those.

> He soon found that the disc was whirling, faster and faster. Glancing
> down at the directions, he flipped the page over and noticed more
> words but he couldn't read them.

MIKE: Damn those Taiwanese manuals!

> The disc was drawing his attention, going faster and faster but sooo
> slow... the room started to spin and melt. His body began to feel very
> heavy as he relaxed. He needed to relax, to stare at the wonderful disc.

CROW (Howard): Wow, man... I didn't think CDs were invented yet...

> Howard kept the disc spinning with his thumb, it seemed to move of its
> own accord. He found that he could focus very well now, but only on
> one thing at a time.

TOM: He's lost the ability to multitask!
MIKE & CROW: NERD!

> He wanted to look at the disc but he realized that he needed to finish
> reading the instructions...

CROW: Howard is an informed consumer...
ALL: ...are YOU?

> Suddenly everything went back to normal. Howard dropped the disc on
> the floor, rubbing his forehead with the free hand. Where was he?
> Glancing about, his memory slowly returned... he noticed the torn
> package on the floor and a paper on his bed. He picked it up, reading it.
> It said:

MIKE: "Eisenhower Wins Vote".
CROW: History buff on deck!

> INDUCING HYPNOSIS

TOM: What was the name of that paper again? I'd like to get a copy.

> 1. Spin the disc in your hand, usually with the thumb and forefinger.

CROW: You're free to try and use your nose, though.

> 2. Note how the movement of the disc draws attention very easily.

MIKE: It's ro-o-ound and spi-i-i-ns...

> 3. Locate the small lever on the backside of the disc. This will allow
> easy and smooth rotation.

CROW: 4. Do not expose to direct sunlight.
TOM: 5. Keep away from the criminally insane.
MIKE: 6. For external use only.
TOM & CROW: Ewww!
MIKE: No, really! You have to mention these things.

> A Sample Induction Process
>
> "Isn't the disc nice to look at? Notice how it catches your eye, whirling
> faster and faster. No matter where you look, the disc is there, whirling
> and whirling, drawing your attention, faster and faster, slowing,
> slooowwingg..."

MIKE: Now cluck! Cluck for me!
CROW: Not yet, Mike.

> "Notice how the room around you is fading, melting, spinning, spinning,
> spinning... the disc is spinning, so wonderful, you must look at it now,
> relaxing you, so relaxed, just stare at it. Stare at the wonderful
> relaxing disc, allow it to relax you so completely. Your body is growing
> very heavy now, so relaxed. Let everything else melt away."

MIKE: Now...
CROW: NOT YET!

> "You will find that you are able to focus very well, focus on these words
> and the spinning disc, focus on my words and the spinning disc...relax,
> relax, relax... melting, spinning... so heavy..."

CROW: That's it, Mike.
MIKE: *sulks* I don't want to anymore.
TOM: Miserably moping Mesmos. Man, most mesmerizing meets
minimum mark!
CROW: Stop that. It's annoying.
TOM: Annoying alliteration!
CROW: Of all the people I could have ended up with...

> Howard dropped the paper as his memories slowly returned...

MIKE: Damn, it wasn't the one-armed man after all!

> it had actually worked! He had accidentally induced himself when he
> had spun the disc absently as he read the instructions. He remembered.
> It had been easy, too. VERY easy. Howard's erection poked painfully
> against his pants

TOM: Poked painfully against his pants!
CROW: *winds up and smacks TOM on the head with his beak*
TOM: OW!

> as his pent-up energy over the last weeks in waiting and conjuring all
> sorts of fantasies were now presented with a real plausible reality.

MIKE: A real plausible reality.
CROW: Yeah, that's when you're not doing LSD.
MIKE: I thought they didn't have that in the fifties.
CROW: That's what they *want* you to think, man. Why'd you think people
were all so happy? That's not natural, man.

> His eyes quickly returned to the paper, he was anxious to finish reading
> this and try it out. That was the end of the induction! After that it just
> gave a general guideline on how to sustain and continue deepening the
> "trance" and suggested a loss of memory suggestion so as to avoid
> complications after dehypnotization. Also was provided a sample of a
> re-induction trigger.

TOM: Dehypnotization? Re-induction trigger? Sounds complicated.
MIKE: Hypnosis isn't for everyone, Tom.
CROW: Right, "Mesmos".
MIKE: Bah!

> Stuffing the paper in his pocket and scooping his lucky coin from the
> floor, he ran downstairs and outside. He couldn't wait to try this out.

CROW: Then he accidentally blew it on a vending machine.
TOM (Homer Simpson): Hmmm.... Candy....

> Chapter Three
>
> Howard rang the doorbell of the house just down the street. This was
> Tamara's house. She was the cheerleader who exclusively dated the
> latest football captain.

CROW: She was a fashionable girl and made sure to date only the latest
football captain.
MIKE (falsetto): And he colors *so* nicely with my shoes, it's just swell!
TOM: Swell?
MIKE: 1950's, remember?
TOM: Oh yeah.

> He was pretty nervous but after remembering how well and easily his
> coin had worked, he gained a bit of confidence.
>
> Which was quickly lost as the door opened. She stood there, puzzled at
> the geek standing at her door step.

CROW (falsetto): This is, like, so odd and stuff? This bell rings, you know,
and I find out it's coming from the front door? And when I open it there's
like, this guy standing there?

> She would have to call her boyfriend to teach him better. Howard
> gulped as those blue eyes devoured his fear, eyes filled with mocking.
> "Um...hi, Tamara... I um, just wanted to—"

TOM: ...borrow a cup of sugar?
CROW: ...show you this neat non-hypnotizing coin I have here?
MIKE: ...let you interrupt my sentences?

> "I suppose you want a lot of things, don't you. Well, we don't always get
> what we want, do we."

TOM: Counseling cheerleader, at your service.

> Tamara was as snide as ever, she had to be the most stuck-up girl at
> school. So self-centered. She was also the girl with the nicest rack and
> the most wonderful legs at school, though.

CROW: Give a little, take a little.
TOM: You don't think the author is drawing on personal experience here,
do you?
MIKE: Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's not *that*
sad.
CROW: You're too kind.

> Howard guessed you couldn't have everything... well, most people
> couldn't...

MIKE: But *Mesmos*, malevolent master of...
CROW: SHUT UP!

> Gulping up his confidence,

TOM: Ewww.

> he reached into his pocket and pulled out his lucky coin. "I just wanted
> to show you something. I think you'll like it."

MIKE (Irish accent): It's me lucky charm.

> He placed the disc between his two fingers, spinning it slowly. "Is
> anyone else home?" The tall blonde just laughed. "No, I'm home alone."

CROW: Is it my fault I'm thinking of Macaulay Culkin?
MIKE: Seeing that he should be long forgotten by now, I'd say yes.

> He came all the way over here to show her a stupid plastic toy? She had
> to admit, though, it was just the slightest bit interesting, the way that
> it spun and spun, whirling, whirling...

TOM: Wheee!

> Tamara started to feel very relaxed all of a sudden, and she noticed that
> Howard was speaking, though she neither heard nor cared what he was
> saying.

MIKE: Howard would have made a fine candidate for the presidential
election.

> She needed only to focus on the disc, it was so amazing, spinning
> and spinning... the door, the outside, and the inside of her house were
> melting.

TOM: So that would be pretty much everything, I guess.
CROW (singing): My girl Tamara's just fine an' dandy/She got a house
made o' choc'late and candy...
MIKE (joining in with a completely different melody): Whennn the sun
shines, the houses will fall...
TOM (singing hesitantly): Cause... everything's... erm... gonna melt...
(CROW & MIKE shake their heads)
CROW: Don't quit your day job, Tom.
TOM: Sitting here singing with you *is* pretty much my day job, Crow.
CROW: In that case, you're fired.

> Tamara felt her body growing so warm and heavy, her  shoulders
> slumped and she felt her legs giving out. She was so heavy, so relaxed,
> her entire body was melting with the world... she couldn't look
> away from the disc. She was so relaxed now that she started to fall to the
> ground.

CROW: Slowly.

> Suddenly her entire body stiffened, and she froze, standing straight as a
> statue. She found her arms at her sides

MIKE (Tamara): Thank God! I was afraid I'd turned into the Venus de Milo
there!

> and noticed that the door had opened. Howard had come inside, and
> closed the front door.

CROW: Which is why she noticed that the door had opened.
TOM: Eh?
CROW: Well, he couldn't close it if the door hadn't opened, right?
TOM: I thought she opened it herself.
CROW: Exactly.
TOM: OK, I'm just going to pretend I understand it now.
CROW: Excellent.

> He sat down on the couch, and she found herself sitting in the heavy
> chair across from him, the big leather one.

TOM: Oh, *that* chair.

> She gathered a few thoughts  and found this all to be a bit strange. What
> was she doing?

CROW: Sitting.
MIKE: Shhh.

> Howard smiled at her from across the room, his mouth was moving
> strangely.

MIKE (Elvis): Wellll since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell...

> Tamara just stared blankly ahead, the image of the disc in her mind. A
> moment later she sunk into the chair, her entire body becoming limp
> and relaxed again. Even more relaxed. She was falling into a deep sleep.

CROW: So am I.

> Her nipples grew hard against the tightness of her bra beneath her
> sweater as she realized that the more she relaxed, the more aroused she
> became.

MIKE: And that's not easy when you're falling asleep.

> She felt a tingly pleasure spreading through her body from her vagina as
> her hand stroked her wetness of its own accord. She stood from the
> chair now, and Howard stood in front of her. The disc was spinning in
> his hand and her clothes melted right off her body as her hands quickly
> took them off.

TOM (falsetto): I'm melting! Meeeeellllting!
MIKE: *Now* you dust off that joke.
TOM: It's my infallible sense of timing.
MIKE: Yeah, it sure is lame.
TOM: Infallible.
MIKE: Lame!
TOM: Infallible!
CROW: GUYS! Hot steamy sex scene going on!
MIKE: Sorry.
TOM: We know how much you need this.
CROW: Shut up!

> Tamara's tight bra was too constraining now. She noticed that the disc
> was in her own hand now, and her bra melted right off. Howard was
> behind her. Her panties slid off. She was so relaxed now, so deep... her
> body was trembling with arousal. Her heavy breasts felt so warm and
> good as Howard grasped them with his sweaty fingers.

MIKE: Hubba hubba.
CROW: What's that supposed to mean?
MIKE: Nothing. I just felt like saying it.

> Her eyes were  locked onto the disc in her left hand, the spinning disc,
> spinning,  spinning, melting, relaxing, ssooo heavy... her right hand
> rubbed furiously at her throbbing clitoris. It had never been so hard, so
> needing release.

CROW: Never before have clitorises been so hard! Never before have they
so needed release!
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: It's the Greatest Story Ever Told!
MIKE: (mumbles)

> As the orgasm wracked her body that was screaming with desire, she
> collapsed into Howard's waiting arms behind her.

MIKE: Is this one of those counseling sessions where you have to fall over
to show you trust your partner?
TOM: Errr.... I don't think so, Mike.

> Howard smiled as he freely explored her naked, sweating body. Her
> large breasts were so warm and soft, the nipples were still hard with her
> arousal. Her fluids soaked her legs and the carpet.

TOM (Tamara): That's dryclean only, dammit!

> He planted the re-induction and amnesia triggers into her open mind.
> He tasted her wetness. It was a good taste, and it tasted like the future.

CROW (army commander): Can you taste that, boy? That's the taste...
ALL: OF THE FUTURE!
CROW (army commander): I love the taste of...

[1..2..3..4..5..6..]

CROW: Dang!
MIKE: Now, wasn't that fun?
CROW: Ooh, I know this one! Was it, like, totally not?
MIKE: Ding ding ding! First rhetorical question you got today!
CROW: Yay!
TOM: Now, I think you're being a bit too harsh. We've seen much worse.
MIKE: True, true. And you've gotta hand it to the author: Howard didn't
get lucky, technically.
CROW: Oh dear Lord no.
TOM: What?
CROW: Don't you see? That means there's going to be a second part.
TOM: I take back everything I said. This was the worst story *ever*.
MIKE: Anyone up for some more hypnosis jokes?
CROW: I think we've had our fill of things spinning and melting today,
Mike.
MIKE: Please. Call me...
TOM & CROW: NO!
MIKE: Bah!

     \  |  /
      \ | /
       \|/
     ---O---
       /|\
      / | \
     /  |  \

"Howard's erection poked painfully against his pants as his pent-up
energy over the last weeks in waiting and conjuring all sorts of fantasies
were now presented with a real plausible reality."