Author: Loren Tres Title: You Might Could Be a Perv If Part: 1 of 1 Summary: A list written in Jeff Foxworthy style, with apologies Keywords: Mf+, preg, inc, humor email: loren@lorentres.com Copyright 2010 by Loren Tres, all rights reserved. Do not copy, edit, republish, etc. -- You Might Could Be a Perv If Loren Tres For men: You think purview means hidden cameras Your penis and your right hand have matching calluses Your mother, your aunt, your two sisters, and your dog are all pregnant, and none of them has a boyfriend Your wife must be frigid, because she tells you, "Five times a day is too much." You learned to masturbate before you learned to walk You're number one on Planned Parenthood's list of horror stories Your little sister already has three kids, but shes too young to date Your daughter already has three kids, but shes too young to date Your mortgage, your wife, your mistress, and both your daughters are all late You read Don Juan and wondered why he's so undersexed Your girlfriend takes you to a swingers party so she can get a rest When you show up at a swingers party with the most beautiful girl in the world, all the women light up, and all the men are disappointed You are the respondent in at least three paternity suits You are the respondent in at least two paternity suits, each involving a relative Your sister wont invite you to her house anymore, because she doesn't want all your daughters to get pregnant You date the town nymphomaniac, and she gives out before you do You can cum three times in a girl without pulling out You have to masturbate after your wear out your girlfriend You had sex with two girls and you STILL need to masturbate Your three daughters are also your granddaughters; and they're all pregnant too Having just gotten laid twice, you go back to the bar, hoping to get lucky again You have sex with three women in one night, and they wear out before you do You've got three wives, and you are looking for a fourth Going without sex for more than four hours hurts Your little sister complains that you want too much sex, and she's the third one that night All the pimps in town know you on a first-name basis You had to retire from being a pimp, because you used up all the merchandise Your little sister is pregnant for the third time; only you and she knows who the father is The local gynecologists send you thank-you cards Masters and Johnson ask if they can dedicate their next book to you You have no girlfriend and you can curl 375 pounds with your right arm The doctor tells you that those aren't venereal-sores, theyre just wear spots You got fired as a sheepherder because none of the ewes had lambs Three of your girlfriends claim you knocked them all up on the same night; and it might actually be true Having no further use for them, your mom, your sisters, and your daughters all gave their underwear to charity You're the male lead in a porno, and the producer fires all the fluffers because he doesnt need them anymore You are hired as a mattress tester, because you can wear one out faster than the machine can Your wife WANTS you to fuck her sister, mother, and your three daughters, so she can get a few days rest You run the local sperm-bank, but don't need any donors You can't remember all the girls you had sex with yesterday The nurses in the hospital maternity room have your home telephone number memorized You buy a diaper service company because it's cheaper than buying disposables Your wife, your secretary, your girlfriend, your mistress, and your six daughters are all happy to get a rest when you go on a business trip After boning your two sisters, your mother, your aunt, and your girlfriend twice, you still have to jack off before bedtime, so you won't have a wet- dream You are surprised to learn that most boys don't sleep with their sisters after you've fathered two children on each of them You are surprised to learn that most girls don't get pregnant until their twenties; after all, your sisters all had three before they finished high school Your sister sets you up for three dates in one night, because she knows you can handle it You marry a prostitute, and she divorces you six weeks later to go back to the brothel so she doesn't have to work so hard You marry a nymphomaniac; then start looking for a mistress You've got three older sisters and six kids - and none of you are old enough to date yet Your seventh grandchild is on her way, and you're taking everyone out to celebrate your thirtieth birthday You've got five daughters; but your wife couldn't have any more children after your first daughter was born Your two daughters, five grand daughters, and eleven great-grand daughters all call each other 'sis' and mean it Your sisters, brothers, all their kids, and the grandkids all call you 'daddy' and mean it Your mother got divorced right after you were born and hasn't been out on a date since, but you have five younger brothers and sisters Your father rents you a hooker so he can get some from his wife Your father sends you to Boy Scout camp so he can get some from his wife You've got two aunts, an uncle, and seven cousins who all call you daddy and mean it Your wife pleads with you to hire a sexy new secretary or two You hire your third secretary, and still nobody gets any work done Your wife hires two live-in maids because she wants to get at least a few hours sleep at night Your wife hires three live-in maids because the last two left to join a convent Your father hires three live-in maids and moves them into your bedroom, so your mother and sisters can get some sleep You fathered at least three children before you were old enough to shave The World Court sues you to set an example because they believe you are a major cause of overpopulation For Women: Mom complains that Dad is losing his sex-drive, and you agree. He could only bone you three times last night, so you had to get your brothers to help All the other girls are disappointed when you show up for the orgy Your boyfriend asks his brother, father, and uncle to help out, because he just can't keep up, and you wonder if maybe he should invite his cousins too You wonder if maybe you should get another boyfriend, because your father and three brothers just cant keep up Your sister keeps complaining that you steal all her boyfriends, and you wonder what's bothering her about that You know more about sex than either of your parents; and you're only nine You have three boyfriends, and you need to add another You can't understand how some girls get by with just one husband You have more than twelve children Your brother groans, and pleads, "Cant you sleep with Daddy tonight?" You're a 25-year-old woman and haven't had a period in thirteen years Your husband takes you to a swingers party and tells you he'll pick you up tomorrow You think the person who wrote "Cheaper by the Dozen" was a piker You like to swallow; but you think it's a waste All the hookers leave the bar when you show up You go to the pound to find a dog, and choose the one that humps your leg Youre sitting in court and hear a case where the wife is divorcing the husband because he wants sex at least five times a day, and you think, "That's all?" Your idea of getting "dressed up" does not involve more than four ounces of clothing You're on a first name basis with everyone at the free clinic Your parents wonder how you keep five boyfriends happy at the same time Your boyfriend is already wearing out, and you've only been dating for a week The dictionary shows your picture in the definition for nymphomaniac Your favorite date involves three men and a dog, but no dinner or movie Your four sisters and two brothers are also your children Your brothers lock their doors at night because they need to sleep You proposition the guy with the ten-incher who just bought a penis- enlarger You walk through dark alleys on the way home, hoping to get raped You never have to pay for your hotel rooms You're the mistress of three men at once; they all know it, and nobody is complaining Your personalized license plate says "IMA SLUT" You volunteer to work at the brothel for free The local pimp moves his stable to the other side of town You think being the only girl at a sex party with thirty men is normal You make breakfast for at least three men every morning You think cum is one of the primary food-groups To you, being called a slut is a high compliment, and you understand its meaning You want to be a prostitute when you grow up Your high school counselor recommends prostitute as a career choice You think gang-bangs are the normal way to have sex You like to fake being drunk, so all the boys will take advantage of you You schedule your dates by the hour, not the day The local hookers are petitioning to make soliciting sex for free illegal You think having three men in bed with you at once is normal Your parents bought you a computer, so you can schedule your dates You started having sex at seven; but you wish you had started earlier You can't understand how some people get by on sex only three times a day You're delighted to hear that your new job includes sleeping with the buyers Your brothers have all stopped going out on dates, because they don't need to anymore Your parents gave up, and installed an outside door in your bedroom The neighbors dog humps your leg, so you invite him into your bedroom You're the main entertainment at the orgy Your highest ambition in life is to be a porn star You can't believe the girls at the whorehouse actually get paid Business at the brothel triples when you come down with the flu The local madam has your number for emergencies Mom put you on the pill when you were nine All the fuss about teenage sex puzzles you Why don't they get to do it too, just like all the younger kids do? You dated half the high school football team at the same time You're pregnant, you weren't drunk when it happened; but you still have no clue who the father is Your three brothers are too worn out, so you have to ask your father to help The local Roman Catholic Church dedicates a confessional in your honor When you come home from school, your dog whimpers, covers his balls with his tail, and hides in the garden Your job title is sexretary; and it's not misspelled You knew the taste of cum before you knew the taste of soda You wear a miniskirt and no panties during your nightly walk through Central Park Your brothers no longer bother to date The kids at school call you a slut, and you're proud of it You were voted girl most likely to by your senior class You catch your brother selling tickets to your bedroom, and you insist on fifty percent Your pimp can't supply enough customers You can't remember all the people who had sex with you this morning You had your first baby at eleven Your boyfriend calls you tramp, ho, and slut, so you kiss him for being so nice You've got three older brothers, and none of them have ever bothered finding dates Youre eight years old when you notice the generations in your family seem to be about twelve years apart. You hope to carry on the family tradition You stay home from school, and your mother gets worried calls from the principal, three teachers, the football coach, the baseball coach, the milk man, and your mother's three ex-husbands all before lunch Your husbands company puts you on the books as a corporate asset, and then takes out insurance Your husband's co-workers list your house as their favorite vacation spot A nearby naval base starts up a shuttle service to and from your house. A nearby convention center starts up a shuttle service to and from your house. A nearby university starts up a shuttle service to and from your house. The naval base, convention center, and university don't have to coordinate their shuttle schedules The school system calls you for sex education demonstrations Your husband sends you on a vacation to the French Riviera, alone, and replaces your packed swimsuits and underwear with a gross of condoms Protection: Your condom bill is bigger than your phone bill You buy KY by the case You turn ribbed condoms inside out because it feels better for YOU They finally name a brand of condom in your honor The condom manufacturer's stock dropped twenty points when you switched brands Your father, brothers, and uncles all know the condom wholesalers number by heart You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom and net enough the first year to buy a new car You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom, and the vendor refills it daily --