Author: Loren Tres
Title: You Might Could Be a Perv If
Part: 1 of 1
Summary: A list written in Jeff Foxworthy style, with apologies
Keywords: Mf+, preg, inc, humor
email: loren@lorentres.com

Copyright 2010 by Loren Tres, all rights reserved.  Do not copy, edit, republish, etc.
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You Might Could Be a Perv If
Loren Tres


For men:
•   You think purview means hidden cameras 
•   Your penis and your right hand have matching calluses
•   Your mother, your aunt, your two sisters, and your dog are all pregnant, 
    and none of them has a boyfriend
•   Your wife must be frigid, because she tells you, "Five times a day is too 
    much."
•   You learned to masturbate before you learned to walk
•   You're number one on Planned Parenthood's list of horror stories
•   Your little sister already has three kids, but she’s too young to date
•   Your daughter already has three kids, but she’s too young to date
•   Your mortgage, your wife, your mistress, and both your daughters are all 
    late
•   You read ‘Don Juan’ and wondered why he's so undersexed
•   Your girlfriend takes you to a swinger’s party so she can get a rest
•   When you show up at a swinger’s party with the most beautiful girl in the 
    world, all the women light up, and all the men are disappointed
•   You are the respondent in at least three paternity suits
•   You are the respondent in at least two paternity suits, each involving a 
    relative
•   Your sister won’t invite you to her house anymore, because she doesn't want 
    all your daughters to get pregnant
•   You date the town nymphomaniac, and she gives out before you do
•   You can cum three times in a girl without pulling out
•   You have to masturbate after your wear out your girlfriend
•   You had sex with two girls and you STILL need to masturbate
•   Your three daughters are also your granddaughters; and they're all pregnant 
    too
•   Having just gotten laid twice, you go back to the bar, hoping to get lucky 
    again
•   You have sex with three women in one night, and they wear out before you do
•   You've got three wives, and you are looking for a fourth
•   Going without sex for more than four hours hurts
•   Your little sister complains that you want too much sex, and she's the 
    third one that night
•   All the pimps in town know you on a first-name basis
•   You had to retire from being a pimp, because you used up all the 
    merchandise
•   Your little sister is pregnant for the third time; only you and she knows 
    who the father is
•   The local gynecologists send you thank-you cards
•   Masters and Johnson ask if they can dedicate their next book to you
•   You have no girlfriend and you can curl 375 pounds with your right arm
•   The doctor tells you that those aren't venereal-sores, they’re just wear 
    spots
•   You got fired as a sheepherder because none of the ewes had lambs
•   Three of your girlfriends claim you knocked them all up on the same night; 
    and it might actually be true
•   Having no further use for them, your mom, your sisters, and your daughters 
    all gave their underwear to charity
•   You're the male lead in a porno, and the producer fires all the fluffers 
    because he doesn’t need them anymore
•   You are hired as a mattress tester, because you can wear one out faster 
    than the machine can
•   Your wife WANTS you to fuck her sister, mother, and your three daughters, 
    so she can get a few days’ rest
•   You run the local sperm-bank, but don't need any donors
•   You can't remember all the girls you had sex with yesterday
•   The nurses in the hospital maternity room have your home telephone number 
    memorized
•   You buy a diaper service company because it's cheaper than buying 
    disposables
•   Your wife, your secretary, your girlfriend, your mistress, and your six 
    daughters are all happy to get a rest when you go on a business trip
•   After boning your two sisters, your mother, your aunt, and your girlfriend 
    twice, you still have to jack off before bedtime, so you won't have a wet-
    dream
•   You are surprised to learn that most boys don't sleep with their sisters – 
    after you've fathered two children on each of them
•   You are surprised to learn that most girls don't get pregnant until their 
    twenties; after all, your sisters all had three before they finished high 
    school
•   Your sister sets you up for three dates in one night, because she knows you 
    can handle it
•   You marry a prostitute, and she divorces you six weeks later to go back to 
    the brothel so she doesn't have to work so hard 
•   You marry a nymphomaniac; then start looking for a mistress
•   You've got three older sisters and six kids - and none of you are old 
    enough to date yet
•   Your seventh grandchild is on her way, and you're taking everyone out to 
    celebrate your thirtieth birthday
•   You've got five daughters; but your wife couldn't have any more children 
    after your first daughter was born
•   Your two daughters, five grand daughters, and eleven great-grand daughters 
    all call each other 'sis' – and mean it
•   Your sisters, brothers, all their kids, and the grandkids all call you 
    'daddy' – and mean it
•   Your mother got divorced right after you were born and hasn't been out on a 
    date since, but you have five younger brothers and sisters
•   Your father rents you a hooker so he can get some from his wife
•   Your father sends you to Boy Scout camp so he can get some from his wife
•   You've got two aunts, an uncle, and seven cousins who all call you daddy – 
    and mean it
•   Your wife pleads with you to hire a sexy new secretary – or two
•   You hire your third secretary, and still nobody gets any work done
•   Your wife hires two live-in maids because she wants to get at least a few 
    hours sleep at night
•   Your wife hires three live-in maids because the last two left to join a 
    convent
•   Your father hires three live-in maids and moves them into your bedroom, so 
    your mother and sisters can get some sleep
•   You fathered at least three children before you were old enough to shave
•   The World Court sues you to set an example because they believe you are a 
    major cause of overpopulation

For Women:
•   Mom complains that Dad is losing his sex-drive, and you agree.  He could 
    only bone you three times last night, so you had to get your brothers to 
    help
•   All the other girls are disappointed when you show up for the orgy
•   Your boyfriend asks his brother, father, and uncle to help out, because he 
    just can't keep up, and you wonder if maybe he should invite his cousins 
    too
•   You wonder if maybe you should get another boyfriend, because your father 
    and three brothers just can’t keep up
•   Your sister keeps complaining that you steal all her boyfriends, and you 
    wonder what's bothering her about that
•   You know more about sex than either of your parents; and you're only nine
•   You have three boyfriends, and you need to add another
•   You can't understand how some girls get by with just one husband
•   You have more than twelve children
•   Your brother groans, and pleads, "Can’t you sleep with Daddy tonight?"
•   You're a 25-year-old woman and haven't had a period in thirteen years
•   Your husband takes you to a swinger’s party and tells you he'll pick you up 
    tomorrow
•   You think the person who wrote "Cheaper by the Dozen" was a piker
•   You like to swallow; but you think it's a waste
•   All the hookers leave the bar when you show up
•   You go to the pound to find a dog, and choose the one that humps your leg
•   You’re sitting in court and hear a case where the wife is divorcing the 
    husband because he wants sex at least five times a day, and you think, 
    "That's all?"
•   Your idea of getting "dressed up" does not involve more than four ounces of 
    clothing
•   You're on a first name basis with everyone at the free clinic
•   Your parents wonder how you keep five boyfriends happy at the same time
•   Your boyfriend is already wearing out, and you've only been dating for a 
    week
•   The dictionary shows your picture in the definition for nymphomaniac
•   Your favorite date involves three men and a dog, but no dinner or movie
•   Your four sisters and two brothers are also your children
•   Your brothers lock their doors at night because they need to sleep
•   You proposition the guy with the ten-incher who just bought a penis-
    enlarger
•   You walk through dark alleys on the way home, hoping to get raped
•   You never have to pay for your hotel rooms
•   You're the mistress of three men at once; they all know it, and nobody is 
    complaining
•   Your personalized license plate says "IMA SLUT"
•   You volunteer to work at the brothel for free
•   The local pimp moves his stable to the other side of town
•   You think being the only girl at a sex party with thirty men is normal
•   You make breakfast for at least three men every morning
•   You think cum is one of the primary food-groups
•   To you, being called a slut is a high compliment, and you understand its 
    meaning
•   You want to be a prostitute when you grow up
•   Your high school counselor recommends ‘prostitute’ as a career choice
•   You think gang-bangs are the normal way to have sex
•   You like to fake being drunk, so all the boys will take advantage of you
•   You schedule your dates by the hour, not the day
•   The local hookers are petitioning to make soliciting ‘sex for free’ illegal
•   You think having three men in bed with you at once is normal
•   Your parents bought you a computer, so you can schedule your dates
•   You started having sex at seven; but you wish you had started earlier
•   You can't understand how some people get by on sex only three times a day
•   You're delighted to hear that your new job includes sleeping with the 
    buyers
•   Your brothers have all stopped going out on dates, because they don't need 
    to anymore
•   Your parents gave up, and installed an outside door in your bedroom
•   The neighbor’s dog humps your leg, so you invite him into your bedroom
•   You're the main entertainment at the orgy
•   Your highest ambition in life is to be a porn star
•   You can't believe the girls at the whorehouse actually get paid
•   Business at the brothel triples when you come down with the flu
•   The local madam has your number for emergencies
•   Mom put you on the pill when you were nine
•   All the fuss about teenage sex puzzles you… Why don't they get to do it 
    too, just like all the younger kids do?
•   You dated half the high school football team – at the same time
•   You're pregnant, you weren't drunk when it happened; but you still have 
    no clue who the father is
•   Your three brothers are too worn out, so you have to ask your father to 
    help
•   The local Roman Catholic Church dedicates a confessional in your honor
•   When you come home from school, your dog whimpers, covers his balls with 
    his tail, and hides in the garden
•   Your job title is sexretary; and it's not misspelled
•   You knew the taste of cum before you knew the taste of soda
•   You wear a miniskirt and no panties during your nightly walk through 
    Central Park
•   Your brothers no longer bother to date
•   The kids at school call you a slut, and you're proud of it
•   You were voted ‘girl most likely to’ by your senior class
•   You catch your brother selling tickets to your bedroom, and you insist on 
    fifty percent
•   Your pimp can't supply enough customers
•   You can't remember all the people who had sex with you this morning
•   You had your first baby at eleven
•   Your boyfriend calls you tramp, ho, and slut, so you kiss him for being so 
    nice
•   You've got three older brothers, and none of them have ever bothered 
    finding dates
•   You’re eight years old when you notice the generations in your family seem 
    to be about twelve years apart.  You hope to carry on the family tradition
•   You stay home from school, and your mother gets worried calls from the 
    principal, three teachers, the football coach, the baseball coach, the milk 
    man, and your mother's three ex-husbands – all before lunch
•   Your husband’s company puts you on the books as a corporate asset, and then 
    takes out insurance
•   Your husband's co-workers list your house as their favorite vacation spot
•   A nearby naval base starts up a shuttle service to and from your house.  A 
    nearby convention center starts up a shuttle service to and from your 
    house.  A nearby university starts up a shuttle service to and from your 
    house.  The naval base, convention center, and university don't have to 
    coordinate their shuttle schedules
•   The school system calls you for sex education demonstrations
•   Your husband sends you on a vacation to the French Riviera, alone, and 
    replaces your packed swimsuits and underwear with a gross of condoms

Protection:
•   Your condom bill is bigger than your phone bill
•   You buy KY by the case
•   You turn ribbed condoms inside out because it feels better for YOU
•   They finally name a brand of condom in your honor
•   The condom manufacturer's stock dropped twenty points when you switched 
    brands
•   Your father, brothers, and uncles all know the condom wholesaler’s number 
    by heart
•   You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom and net enough the 
    first year to buy a new car
•   You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom, and the vendor 
    refills it daily
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