Second Thoughts and Last Chances
By
Latikia
Edited by
The Old Fart
Copyright © 2007,
2008
Chapter 8
I was the junior partner in a Psychiatry/Psychology practice in D.C. The two senior partners are former Air Force Colonel Evan DeBerg and Dr. Janis Karpinski, both psychiatrists with decades of combined experience. I’m the psychologist of the group. Evan and I formed our partnership in ’96 after I received my MS and he resigned from active duty. Janis joined us later that year.
Technically I’m one of the senior partners, but we agreed that their names should precede mine; partly in deference to their age and experience, but mostly because I only make occasional appearances at the clinic.
Once in a while a special case will come up that requires my unique abilities and Evan will call me in. When that happens, if I’m not otherwise engaged, I’ll drop what I’m doing and consult. I like to think of it as extra-curricular meddling.
I pulled into the parking space with my name on the sign post, shut off the engine, got out and walked into the building’s reception area.
The building was newer than most in the area, constructed sometime in the late seventies, but very well maintained; which is why we chose it. Compared to the temperature outside it was positively sweltering in the lobby. I quickly removed my long overcoat, smiled in the direction of the pretty young receptionist behind the desk and headed towards my office.
“Good morning, Dr. Blacktower.” she said, her tone vivacious and inviting.
“Hello Angela. How are you this morning?”
She flashed me a demure little smile that I knew was affected and threw her shoulders back just a bit.
“Just fine, thank you.”
I gave her a quick once over and had to admit that she did, indeed, look to be ‘just fine’. I grinned, shook my head and kept going.
I had just put away my coat and briefcase when there was a knock at the door.
“Come on in.” I called out, sitting down and leafing thru my calendar.
The door opened and Evan stuck his head in.
“Got a few minutes?” he asked.
I waved him in, closing the desktop date book. “Sure. What’s on your mind?”
Evan came in, closed the door behind him and eased his bulky body into one of the two leather chairs facing my desk. A stocky, powerfully built man in his late fifties, Evan DeBerg had thick wiry hair that was still more black than gray, but the balance was shifting quickly the other way. He’d taken to wearing a close cropped salt and pepper beard and looked more like an 19th century whaling boat captain than a psychiatrist.
“I’m thinking that maybe you have something on your mind.” he said, giving me a raised eyebrow.
I looked carefully at the man who had, almost eight years before, declared me to be sane, and wondered what he was seeing right then as he looked at me.
“You are quite correct. There are one or two very troubling things on my mind.”
“If I can help in any way…” he offered.
I leaned my elbows on the desk top and placed the tips of my forefingers against my pursed lips.
Evan knew as much about my abilities and peculiar life style as anyone, but there were a couple of things that I had never even told him. How much had he figured out for himself? How much could I afford to say, without endangering either my family or him?
“Evan, what would cause a woman in a good, solid, loving relationship to start seeking out casual affairs?”
The corners of his eyes twitched so quickly that I almost missed seeing it, while the rest of his facial features remained immobile, his expression relaxed and professional.
“Are you sure about this Ike?” he asked, real concern and dismay in his steady voice.
I nodded ever so slightly, fingers never leaving my lips.
“Very sure.”
“I can’t believe one of those girls would ever do something like that. They adore you, son.”
I kept my poker face locked firmly in place as I held up my right hand and raised three fingers.
His eyebrows climbed up into his hairline. He cocked his head a bit to one side.
I nodded. “Yeah…all three.”
“No. I don’t believe it.” he whispered.
I shrugged, dropped my hands and leaned back in my chair.
“You’re taking this much better than I would have expected.” he said after a rather long and awkward pause.
I smiled a tiny little bit.
“I completely lost control of my emotions and abilities; blew up some
trees outside my house and started a wild fire alongside the
“I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now.” he said.
“Evan, I’m so confused and frustrated right now I don’t even know how I’m feeling.”
“That’s not surprising. Tell me; are you familiar with the popular notion of ‘Alpha Male’?”
I nodded. “I’ve run across it in my reading and studies. In my opinion it’s nothing more than a convenient re-labeling of a less politically correct term.”
“Probably. But the fact remains that you are, without a doubt, the most striking example of an Alpha Male I’ve ever come across. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. Jan and I have discussed this several times since she joined us. She finds you extremely fascinating.”
“No offence to Janis, but she’s old enough to be my mother.”
Evan smiled affectionately at me.
“Young people have an annoying tendency to assume that once a person reaches middle age their sex organs and libido stop functioning. Let me assure you, they do not.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You and Janis?”
He shrugged. “We spend a lot of time together; have similar interests, and neither of us ever married. Too involved with our work when we were younger I suppose.”
I frowned. “I’ve been wrapped up in myself for so long…it would appear I’ve been ignoring a great many things.”
“Which is why I brought up the subject of Alpha Males. Alphas tend to be forceful, aggressive, driven individuals. Most become so focused on their goals that they lose sight of everything else. They are also notoriously territorial, possessive and jealous.”
I sighed a little.
“Alphas are leaders, warriors and heroes…but they can also be killers, psychopaths, and criminals. They’re usually charismatic and charming people, easily attracting others to their cause, often without even trying. There are a lot of Alphas in the world, which might explain why mankind has such a long history of non-stop violence.”
“And this has what exactly to do with my current problem?” I asked, slightly peeved.
Evan leaned back in his seat and eyed me. “I saw you come in this morning. I watched your conversation with Angela.”
“We exchanged pleasantries. So what?”
He shook his head.
“I think you may be the most oblivious young man on the eastern seaboard. Maybe it’s because of how you grew up, or the way people reacted and related to you when you were young, I don’t know for certain. Ike, you see things, notice things, that other people don’t or can’t. Behavioral quirks, changes in body language and vocal patterns…and then there’s the whole emotional thing. You can read people like no one else…but you get so focused that you become blind to everything else. Angela was coming on to you pretty strongly out there. Didn’t you notice?”
I stared at him for several seconds. “Yeah, I noticed. So what?”
“ ‘So what?’ he says. I’ve known you for eight years Ike, and in all that time I’ve yet to see a woman who didn’t make some kind of play for your attention, with the exception of Anya Jones.”
“And still I have to ask, ‘So what?’”
“You don’t see what I’m getting at? Women are attracted you son. Something about you draws them, like moths to a flame. You might not see it but everyone else does. Jan and I see it, every other Alpha Male you’ve ever encountered sees it, and I’d bet my life that your girls see it too. How do you suppose they feel, knowing that every female with eyes and active hormones wants to get her hands on their man?”
I sat thinking for a bit, shook my head violently and put my elbows on the desk top.
“I don’t encourage other women; I don’t chase other women; I don’t want other women. I love my girls. I’m not saying I don’t look…I admire a pretty face and a beautiful body as much as any man, but that’s as far as it goes. That’s as far as it’s ever gone.”
“Your loyalty is not what we’re discussing, is it? You asked me why a woman might have a casual affair. I’m just offering you a possible explanation. If you really want to know why…well, there’s only one way to find out for sure.”
I lowered my head into my hands. He was right and I knew it. I just didn’t like having to admit it, not even to myself.
“There’s also a side issue to consider here. You’re young, physically imposing, and according to several independent opinion polls conducted by women I am personally acquainted with, considered rather good looking. And while women find you attractive and desirable, your very existence is a constant irritation to other Alpha Males. Son, you are iconic…damn near archetypal. You aren’t what I would think of as an UberAlpha; the boisterous, chest thumping, butt kicking Tarzan kind. You aren’t Achilles or Ajax or Gilgamesh. You’re more thoughtful and introspective than that type. But you don’t consider their kind of behavior or attitude as being beneath or beyond you. To my mind you’re more like the Hollywood antihero; soft spoken, calm, self-contained and wound up so tightly inside that when they do finally let go there’s blood and bodies everywhere. Ike, you don’t, or can’t, see who you are or what you’re like. Most of us…hell, I doubt that any of us are capable of seeing ourselves the way we really are. It requires a level of objectivity that I don’t think exists in human beings. The truth is that it wouldn’t matter if you could. No one cares how you see yourself. What matters is how they perceive you. And for the most part these other Alphas can’t help but see you as a threat to their goals, ambitions and desires. Beta Males will admire and resent the hell out of you, but they’ll follow. Some Alphas will tolerate and follow you if they decide you’re no immediate threat and can take them where they want to go, but the rest will always be looking for some way to humble or destroy you. When you were younger it probably wasn’t as big a problem, but as you mature and come into your prime it’s going to become more and more obvious, even to you…and much more of a problem.”
“What, you think some other Alpha types have come to steal my women as a way to destroy me? To piss all over my territory? Jeezus Evan, you make it sound like this is some kind of nature documentary.”
“You know as well as I that humans are nothing more than animals with a fancy tool kit. We have all the same drives and motivations as any other predator. Hell, we even have a couple of extra ones they don’t have, vengeance being one of the biggies. So knowing this, why would you expect that we’d react or behave any differently?”
I lifted my head and met his gaze. “Still discussing possibilities are we?”
“My boy, you are the philosopher and guidance counselor in our little group. Jan and I are druggists.” He shrugged his broad shoulders. “I think the only way to work out your particular problem is by talking things out with your girls.”
“I’ve been giving serious thought to walking away.” I told him. His eyes narrowed.
“That, in my opinion, would be a grievous mistake.” he said flatly.
“I don’t know if I can get past this, Evan. I don’t know if I even want to try. I’m not that sophisticated or cosmopolitan.”
“Have the four of you talked at all?”
I shook my head. “What is there to talk about? How can you possibly justify betrayal? I don’t know, maybe you’re right and it is my fault. Maybe me and my Alpha chromosomes drove them to it. But one thing I do know; if it is my fault, they can’t help but be better off with me out of the picture. Leaving would be the smartest thing I could do.”
He frowned, narrowing his eyes even further. “I still say it would be a terrible mistake. I don’t believe for a second that your children would be better off if you left. You need them. All of them. As much as it’s going to hurt, I still think it would be in everyone’s best interests for all four of you to sit down and talk this thru. And try and listen to what they tell you with an open mind.”
“I suppose you’re right, but I feel as alone right now as I did when I was in the desert. And this hurts worse than any bullet.”
I took a deep breath and rotated my chair so I could look out the office window.
Evan and Janis were tied up with patients for the remainder of the day, so just before noon I left the clinic and drove out to Ft. Meade.
Passing thru the layers of security at the NSA is always an adventure…if repetitious boredom and monotony are your idea of adventure. Getting in and out of the Cube is much harder than getting to my office in the CIA, which I suppose says something about the regard those folks have for the work they do.
After passing thru the visitor’s area and flashing my badge with the gold background, I threaded my way thru the labyrinth of corridors and made my way down to the second sub-basement where Archives and Megan’s office were located.
I found her office easily enough; it was right smack in front of my face as I stepped off the elevator. Megan saw me coming thru the large windows, stood up gracefully and opened the door to her office.
I held out my hand for hers, but she pointedly moved inside my extended arm, ignoring my hand and embraced me then stood on her toes and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.
I chuckled a bit self-consciously and patted her on the back. “Well, hello to you too.”
A tall well built woman, Megan didn’t have to tilt her head very far back in order to meet my gaze. Her dark eyes sparkled with mischievous delight and her dark red lips curled into a coy smile.
“Why Doctor, I do believe I’ve successfully pierced your legendary stoic demeanor.”
I chuckled; reveling in the joy it gave me to let loose for just a few moments.
“Megan, you delightful little tease, no woman as lovely and clever as you could possibly have failed. But one would have to wonder why you’d even bother trying? Can’t have been much of a challenge.”
Megan turned, taking my arm in hers and escorted my into her office, directing me to a large upholstered straight backed chair as she shut the door behind us.
“My dear Doctor, the challenge has always been in getting you to come visit me; I’ve known for some time that your stoic demeanor was a façade. I don’t chase men, they chase me. You are the only one I’ve ever met who made me want to do the chasing.” she said bluntly.
I sat back in the chair with my eyebrows raised and watched her move gracefully around to her seat behind the desk.
“Don’t look so surprised Doctor; I’ve made it quite plain over the past few years that I would be more than willing to have you in my bed.”
I swallowed hard. “Megan, I…that is…uhhhmmm…aw shit!” I swore softly. I wondered if there was such a thing as an Alpha female. If so, Megan Posey was definitely one of them.
Her smile grew brighter and more predatory. “How is it possible for a man, as delicious and impressive as you are, to be so innocent and naďve at the same time? You’re not gay, are you?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m not. I suppose I am rather naďve in some ways. But don’t mistake naďve for innocent. The fact is that until recently I just never noticed that women found me all that interesting. Don’t get me wrong, it would be impossible not to notice how attractive you are, and I’ve always admired your intellect and professional ability. But I have a family who mean the world to me and I would never do anything to endanger them or how they feel about me. Not now, not ever.”
“The word on the grapevine says that there’s trouble in Paradise.” she said, leaning forward and putting an inordinate amount of pressure on her blouse’s buttons. I locked my eyes on hers.
“Megan, I have three wives and four children. Can you imagine that there wouldn’t be trouble in Paradise, at least once in a while?”
Her face went slack and her eyes got big. I heard the sound of air being drawn in thru pursed lips.
“So it is true. I’d heard rumors, but I didn’t think…”
I smiled slightly. “Megan, what other reason could there possibly be for me not chasing after you with my tongue hanging out and dragging in the dirt?”
A slow smile formed on her pouty lips. “You may not be chasing, but you do know how to play the game.”
“I find flirting to be enjoyable and intellectually stimulating. I have no problem with that, but I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings between us. My loyalty to my girls is absolute…I don’t cheat.” I said with a firm finality.
The woman across from me sat back in her chair and sighed theatrically. “Why couldn’t I have met you ten years ago?”
“Ten years ago you wouldn’t have given me a second look.” I said, with just the hint of a smile.
There was a sharp rapping on the door behind me and a fleeting look of annoyance flashed across Megan’s lovely features. I heard the door open and felt the brush of the breeze it created on the side of my face.
“What is it Jerry and why can’t it wait?” she snapped, all traces of the flirtatious woman who’d been talking with me moments before vanished in a heartbeat.
“Sorry to interrupt Megan, but I heard that you had a visitor and I just had to drop in and take a look for myself.” the man’s voice said without a hint of regret.
I turned my head just enough to bring his face into view. He was tall and young with faux rugged good looks that had obviously been created and maintained by artificial arts. With his sculptured three day growth of beard he reminded me a little of the British singer George Michael. I returned my eyes to Megan.
“One of the wolf pack?” I asked.
She curled her upper lip in a sneer. “Yeah. Jerry likes to think of himself as the big dog.”
I nodded and swung my legs around to the right and shifted in the chair so I could get a better look at the newcomer.
He looked to be close to my age, maybe a couple of year’s older, broad chest and shoulders that tapered down to an athletically trim waist, narrow hips and lean legs. This guy was a gym-baby. His clothes were tastefully expensive and obviously tailored to accentuate his physique.
He looked down at me from his stance by the doorway with mild distaste and disappointment.
“This must be the infamous Doctor Death I’ve heard so much about.” he said cheerfully, stepping inside and holding out his hand to me. “Gerald Tarver.”
I put my hand out, he locked his fingers firmly around mine and began to squeeze. I could see the muscles in his arm and shoulder ripple as he exerted pressure, trying to crush my knuckles.
I smiled and linked with him, returning the mild pain in my hand to him and adding a little crush of my own. The fake smile around his lips and eyes melted away.
“Doctor Death? Damn, I haven’t heard that one before Jerry. You’re a very funny fella.” I laughed. I clamped my longer fingers around his hand and stood up slowly. Jerry was a fairly tall man, about six one, so when I got up out of the chair I moved close enough to him so that there was only about six inches separating us and looked down, giving him a cold, full fanged grin, his skin tone got a little greenish. “I like funny fellas, Jerry.”
Gerald Tarver’s expression went from fake friendliness, to mild annoyance and then straight to snarling aggressiveness.
“So, tell me Jerry…what do you do around here? Mailroom delivery; senior gopher or someone’s boy-toy?”
Jerry didn’t like that one little bit…oh no he didn’t. Blood rushed to his face, darkening his otherwise artificially tanned complexion. I felt the levels of his anger and aggression climb to match his heart rate and blood pressure.
“I’m the European cryptography section chief.” he informed me with a snarling smirk. He glanced at the gold badge that hung around my neck. His eyes widened slightly.
“And what do you do, Doctor? Courier boy for Justice or State?”
I increased the pressure of my grip and continued to send the pain in my hand back to him. Tiny beads of sweat were forming on his forehead just below his well coiffed hairline.
I shook my head fractionally. “Much as I’d like to share that with you Jerry, I’m afraid you just don’t have the clearance or the need to know. Now why don’t you be a good boy and run along so Megan and I can get back to the business that brought me here?” I suggested.
“I have a better idea…why don’t you and I go over to the gymnasium and do a bit of sparing? Just to work off a little steam, as it were; nothing too strenuous, I promise.”
I frowned a little. “Jerry, I don’t fight for fun and when I work off steam things usually get damaged. Neither of us would like it if that happened.”
He grinned widely, elation soaring along with his aggressiveness and self confidence.
“What’s the matter, snowball, afraid of getting your hair mussed? You may be big, but you’re nowhere near as scary as I was led to believe.”
I released his hand and laughed. Softly, from deep down in my gut, the laughter rose up until I sounded like a movie madman chortling with evil delight. I eased off on some of my control and began broadcasting malice and aggressiveness.
“Jerry, you don’t know why they call me Doctor Death, do you?” I asked, once I got my laughter under control. Before he could answer I turned to Megan who was still seated behind her desk.
“Megan, do me a favor; get on the phone and dial extension 0099. Ask for Marcus.”
She looked at me, puzzlement on her flushed face. Megan had apparently been getting quite turned on watching Jerry and I posture.
“Just dial the number. Jerry wants to play; so let’s see how many feathers are gonna get ruffled if I accommodate him.”
Megan picked up her phone and dialed the extension number. There was a brief pause and then she asked for Marcus. I could faintly hear the voice on the other end speaking and Megan’s face got very pale. She held the phone out to me. I shook my head.
“Be a dear and put it on speaker.” I asked.
She hit a couple of buttons on the large console and set the handset down.
“Marcus? This is Ike Blacktower. Hope I’m not interrupting anything important.” I said, pitching my voice a little louder than usual.
“Ike? No, not at all. How the hell are you?” the voice on the speaker asked.
“Not having the best week of my life, but I can’t complain too much. How are Rachael and Luke?”
“They’re good. I can’t thank you enough for what you did for my son Ike. We thought we’d lost him for good.”
“My pleasure Marcus. Believe me; I was more than happy to be able to help. Oh, by the way, the girls were thrilled with the dollhouse you and Rachael sent them for Christmas. They haven’t stopped talking about it.”
“It was the least we could do. What brings you out this way Ike? You don’t usually come slumming down around our neck of the woods.”
“I asked Megan Posey to dig up some files for me to take a look at. Nothing earth shattering, just a bit of routine background research. But that brings me back to why I asked Megan to make this call. There’s a fella here with us by the name of Gerald Tarver; says he’s the cryptography section chief for Europe. I was just wondering…would it inconvenience your operation much if I killed him?”
There was dead silence on the phone line, as well as in the office. Megan looked at me with wide, hungry eyes. I turned my eyes towards Jerry, who was staring at me with disbelief, as if I’d grown a second head.
“Ike, is there something you aren’t telling me?” Marcus’ voice came back finally.
“If you’re asking me if he’s a spy, the answer is no…at least I have no reason to believe he is. I just wondered if it would impact your operation very much if I killed him.”
There was a longer pause, and in the background I could hear the muted sounds of frantic voices in conversation.
“Ike, you still there?”
“Right here Marcus.” I said, grinning at Jerry.
“Tarver’s boss is here with me now, and he tells me that Tarver’s a bit of an asshole…aggressive overachiever is the term he used…but other than that he’s got a pretty solid record with us. However, if push comes to shove, we can replace him without any serious loss of capability in that section. I take it he aggressively overachieved himself with you?”
I laughed. “Yeah, you could put it that way. Jerry invited me to go to the gym with him for a bit of recreational sparing and when I declined he suggested I might be chicken-shit. In my line of work it just won’t do to tolerate that kind of talk.”
There was a shorter pause this time. “No I don’t suppose it would. Alright, you have my permission. And if for some reason you decide not to kill him, tell Mr. Tarver I’ll be looking forward to seeing him in my office first thing tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll be sure to pass that along. Thanks very much Marcus. Sorry to bother you with this.”
“No bother at all. I appreciate you asking first. I know you didn’t have to. Give my regards to your lovely ladies.”
“I’ll do that. Thanks again.” There was a loud click from the speaker followed by a louder dial tone. Megan pushed one button on the console and the dial tone shut off.
I continued to watch Jerry’s eyes. “Marcus is the Director of the NSA. And in case you weren’t paying attention; your boss just cleared the way for me to kill your sorry fuckin’ ass. Now, as you might have heard Marcus say, I don’t actually need his permission to kill you. I don’t need permission from anyone to kill anyone. That’s why they call me Doctor Death.”
Jerry’s aggression level had been dropping like the President’s pants, and his anger was quickly being overtaken by apprehension and fear. I took a couple of steps closer to the man and sent waves of terror and panic down the link, with just a hint of looming death.
“How fuckin’ scary am I now, big dog?” we growled, our voices dropping down to bass level.
Jerry backed up quickly, whimpering just loud enough for me to hear.
We leaned towards him, exposing all our teeth. “Jerry, I don’t give a shit how big you think your dick is, or what caliber your balls may or may not be. I’m the goddamn fuckin’ BIG DOG and you’d do well to remember that. Now get out of my sight and stop bothering Megan. If she wants you sniffing after her, she’ll let you know. And if you bug either one of us again I will vanish your ass.”
His eyes as wide as saucers and his face as pale as milk, Jerry scrambled for the doorknob, wrenched the door open and scurried out like all the demons of hell were right on his tail. I couldn’t help but shake my head and laugh a little.
I went to the open door and pushed it shut, and then returned to the chair I’d been sitting in before he’d interrupted us.
“Well that was fun.” I laughed.
Megan’s face was flushed and damp with perspiration. I linked with her and drained away her feelings of lust and excitement. She’d enjoyed Jerry’s and my little run in far too much for my taste. I wondered if perhaps she hadn’t arranged our meeting simply for its potential entertainment value.
She pulled out a lacy handkerchief and delicately wiped her face then smiled brightly at me as she put it away.
“No, you most definitely are not as innocent or as naďve as I thought. You have unexpected depths, Doctor Blacktower.”
I smiled slightly. “My name is Ike, Megan. Now, about those files I asked for…”
I got home in time to sit down with my children for dinner. The usual boisterous levels of conversation were absent as we all sat around the dining room table eating. My daughters were pointedly not looking at their mothers or me, but I saw all three of them casting what they must have thought were covert glances at each other and their little brother. AJ, on the other hand, when he wasn’t shoving food into his mouth was staring fondly at his big sisters, a pleased smile on his smacking lips, and simply ignored the rest of us. Lilly, Peggy and Isabeau were strangely silent, although my sister took every available opportunity to touch Belle, stroking her hair, brushing her shoulder or taking her daughter’s hand in her own and giving it a gentle squeeze.
I kept quiet, waited and watched everyone, made mental notes and arrived at some disconcerting conclusions.
When the meal was over the kids were sent off to watch TV while their moms and I cleared away the remains of the meal. I had just finished putting the last of the plates and silverware in the dishwasher when a hesitant voice spoke behind me.
“Ike? We’d like to talk…please?”
I stood up, closing and locking the dishwasher door, turned the timer and started it running.
“What would you like to talk about Lilly?” I asked, leaning a hip against the counter. The three of them stood shoulder to shoulder, looking small and frightened.
“We want to explain…to try and explain why we…why we did what we did.”
I kept my face as calm and pleasant as possible, not wanting to let the sudden surge of harsh emotions that filled me show.
“You can’t even say the damn words. How are you going to explain something whose name you can’t even say? What was the term you used the other night Peggy? Casual affair, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.” Peggy replied weakly.
I put my hands in my front pockets and smiled grimly.
“Okay, fine…let’s all sit down and you can explain or justify or whatever. If you think it’ll help. I don’t want you to think I’m being needlessly cruel or heartless.”
I pushed away from the counter and walked past them, thru the kitchen door and went into the living room. I could hear the sounds of their steps on the hardwood floor as they followed along behind.
I took a seat in one of the wing-back chairs that flanked the couch and put my feet up on the matching ottoman. The three women sat down together on the couch.
We sat there in tableau for a long thirty seconds, just looking at one another.
“Well, you wanted to talk…so talk.” I said finally.
Lilly opened her mouth and leaned forward, but then my sister put a hand on her forearm and Lilly turned, looking closely at her.
“Are you sure?” the smaller woman asked.
Isabeau nodded then turned her face towards me.
“You’ve changed little brother. You probably don’t even realize how much you’ve changed, but we’ve seen it. You’re not the same man we fell in love with.”
I looked my sister in the eye and linked with her…with all three of them. They honestly felt that what she was saying was true. I moved my gaze from my sister to Lilly, and then to Peggy. Only Isabeau would meet my eyes.
“I see. How, exactly, have I changed? Have I become violent towards you? Mean, uncaring, inconsiderate, neglectful, thoughtless, cruel…what exactly did I do to lose your respect, affection…your love?” I asked, trying with great difficulty to keep my tone even and relaxed.
“It started after the girls were born. We didn’t notice it at first, it happened so gradually, but by the time AJ was born we couldn’t ignore what we were seeing.” My sister blinked away tears that were forming at the corners of her eyes. “I don’t know if you realize the effect you have on people…or maybe you do and you just never talk about it, but back then…when you walked into a room everyone noticed you. They couldn’t help it. Men took one look at you and either wanted to follow or fight you. Women took one good look and just wanted to fuck you. You were so goddamn sexy.”
I nodded my head slightly. “And I changed, right? I stopped being dangerous and sexy?”
Isabeau shook her head. “No, not to everyone else. But you changed around us. We could still see other people reacting to you the same way, and you to them…but when you’re with us you’re a different person. Softer…less than what you were. The air of danger was gone. Our polar bear had actually become a teddy bear. We miss that part of you…the dangerous, edgy, just barely in control part of you. You weren’t you anymore and every year it’s gotten worse.”
“Ike, we’ve never stopped loving you…but we wanted, needed, that feeling of danger and risk. We need you.” Peggy said. There was something in her voice; in the way she said those last three words that caught my attention. What she was saying wasn’t all that she was saying. And I got the distinct impression that she didn’t fully agree with everything Izzy had said.
But what was she saying?
“Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt?” I inquired more calmly than I felt.
“We thought you knew. We always thought you knew how we felt, but that for reasons of your own you didn’t care. Since you didn’t care we had to try and find what we needed someplace else. You never said or did anything to make us think you disapproved of what we were doing.” Lilly said faintly.
Damnit! Lilly was doing the same thing Peggy was; saying one thing, but trying to tell me something totally different.
Damn, it was maddening.
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose with the fingers of my left hand.
“Let me see if I have this straight. I bust my ass to keep you and the children separate from the work I do so that it won’t affect you. And, for some reason I can’t begin to comprehend, because I don’t want my family exposed to the darker side of my personality that makes me less attractive to you than I was way back when. Because I stopped acting like a borderline maniac when I’m around you, you lost interest and went looking elsewhere for kicks and thrills. And because I gave you your privacy, didn’t go poking around inside your feelings on a regular basis, and never actually came out and said ‘Oh, by the way, don’t go fucking around on me’, you figured that meant I didn’t care what the hell you were up to and also meant I was okay with it? Have I missed any germane points?”
All three shook their heads, but Lilly and Peggy were less enthusiastic about it than my sister.
“Will one of you answer a question for me? Why, if I’d become so unappealing, why the fuck didn’t you just leave? Why, night after night, and year after year have you kept coming back to sleep in my bed? Why keep living a lie?”
“We hoped that you’d come back to us. That you’d go back to being who you were. And we returned to your bed…our bed…because we’ve never stopped loving you. If we had left, it would have been admitting that we’d given up hope; that we didn’t love you and didn’t care anymore.” Lilly said, looking up at the end and meeting my eyes for the first time since we’d all taken our seats.
“I see.” I said and kept my eyes on hers, never blinking, never changing expression. After about ten seconds she dropped her eyes, focusing on her hands.
What the hell was going on here? Peggy and Lilly were both trying to tell me something without coming out and saying it.
I got up out of my chair and began pacing the length of the couch as slowly as I could, considering the length of my legs and the level of my agitation.
They honestly believed what they were saying, at least on some level…either that or they’d convinced themselves that they believed it. But there was a lot more that they weren’t saying. Was I responsible for what had happened? Had I missed some kind of obvious female hint that men were oblivious to? Had I driven them away? Had my change in behavior and attitude…?
Hold on just a fuckin’ minute! Go back to who I was?
Who had I been then? What had I been then that I wasn’t now?
A pissed off young killing machine who only gave a damn about one thing…her! She insisted on bringing the other two into the mix. I told her I only wanted her. And she knew I meant it, goddamnit! She had to have known! She promised them that they could share me. No one asked me what I wanted…they just assumed they knew what was best for all of us. The only time anyone bothered to ask me what I wanted was once the three of them had already made up their minds about what they wanted and how to go about getting it.
This was all Isabeau’s doing. She’d maneuvered the four of us into this relationship in the first place.
And here I was being manipulated all over again. But to what end? Why wouldn’t they just come out and say what they had to say?
Some of what they were telling me was probably true. Other people, including Megan and Evan, had confirmed certain elements of their story. As for the rest…I knew damn well that a good chunk of it was willful self-delusion.
I stopped pacing and faced the couch full on, crossing my arms behind my back.
“Yes, I do see.” I said very softly. “I became so uninteresting and tedious that you had no other choice but to go out and fuck other men.”
I felt three sudden violent twinges thru the links I was still keeping active. Peggy was embarrassed, and my sister was aggressively stubborn. But Lilly reeked of shame and sorrow.
I smiled and a familiar red haze fell across my vision. The blood in my veins began to boil and I could feel the flames licking across my shoulders and tickling my eyebrows.
“Tell yourselves any damn story you like. I don’t give a shit. But don’t ever piss down my back and tell me its raining sunshine. You did what you did because you wanted to. Or at least one of you wanted to. You figured I felt guilty enough about having three women that I wouldn’t object if you went off and indulged your individual fantasies. Maybe you did actually miss the excitement, the thrill, the fun of seeing me get shot, stabbed, run over and beat all to hell on a weekly basis. I suppose it’s possible. Everyone knows that girls just love bad boys, right? Can’t get much badder than a lonely, heartsick, lovelorn social outcast with the ability to endure endless suffering and who doesn’t mind killing someone for your amusement every now and again. How were you supposed to know I was gonna up and decide I’d much rather have a quiet, peaceful home life for my family and myself? Oh yeah, I can see now how that would drive even the most loving woman to distraction, and make casual affairs pretty much compulsory.”
I began pacing once again, the feathery touch of flames dancing up and down my body.
“Ike…” Isabeau tried to interrupt.
“Enough!” I snarled, never breaking my pacing rhythm. “You had your chance to explain; now you can just sit there and listen.”
My steps grew longer and longer. In a matter of seconds I’d gone from pacing the length of the couch to roaming from one side of the room to the opposite wall and back again.
“I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate what you’ve tried to do for me, ladies. Sacrificing your promises to me in the hopes that I could be humiliated into a return to the way I was. What a load of shit! Just how fuckin’ stupid do you think I am anyway? Sorry, sorry…that was a dumb question. Obviously you three think I’m about as thick as the Great Wall.”
“Baby…please, calm down! You’ll set the house on fire!” Peggy cried.
“This? Hell, this is nuthin’! Keep trying to play me for a fool and I’ll show you what a bonfire looks like from the inside!”
“The babies!” Lilly moaned, terror in her eyes.
I stopped pacing, crouched down in front of her, and snuffed out the flames that had covered me from head to toe. I reached out and took her chin between my smoking thumb and forefinger, lifting her head so that she had to look me in the eye.
“My children are in no danger from me. There was a time I could have said the same about my wives. Funny how things change.” I sighed long and hard and removed my fingers from Lilly’s face. “Have you three made your decision? I assume that you’ll all be deciding the same thing since you’ve got a long history of voting as a unit.”
Isabeau nodded, followed, somewhat reluctantly I thought, by Lilly and Peggy.
“That’s good. But before we get to that, I have a couple of announcements to make. First off, Alex Chorney, my sister’s most recent lover, called my office yesterday. He informed me that he has videos and photographs of a rather intimate nature and that if I want to keep them from getting into the media I’ll have to buy them from him.”
Isabeau’s face lost it’s newly bronzed color as all the blood drained away instantaneously.
“Yeah,” I said, locking eyes with my sister, “it was a real
‘been there, done that’ kind of moment for me too. Also, just for the record, his real name is Carlos Alejandro Negron and he used to be a
CIA field operative. He recruited and
ran networks of spies in other countries.
Apparently he was quite good. I
met him once, on my very first job for Dr. Wills. Anyway what this means, my dear, sweet,
loving big sister, is that for the time being you cannot return to your
career. In fact, I would strongly
suggest that you resign immediately.
Alex Chorney has up and vanished.
And in case you were wondering, yes…he knew you were my sister. He came after you just to get to me. And thanks to the holes in your memory
there’s no telling just what or how much he now knows. ”
“He used me…to get
to you?” she muttered.
“Yeah…real kick in
the ego, ain’t it? You took up with him
to get back at me, for some reason or other, and he took up with you to get me
to do something for him. Is anyone
feeling that thrill of danger and expectation of impending disaster yet? I’m feeling it! Ain’t it a rush?” I stood up and resumed pacing the room, but
kept a damper on the flames.
“Why would he do
that? What does he want?” Lilly asked
me.
I stopped in my
tracks. “A life.”
“I don’t
understand.” Peggy said, speaking for all of them.
“He wants me to hunt
down and kill someone for him. That’s
the going rate for keeping my sister’s reputation intact.”
It shouldn’t have
been possible for Isabeau’s pallor to get any paler, not and still have blood
in her body, but she came very close to matching my own lack of pigment for a
few seconds.
“No…it’s not worth
it. I’m
not worth it. You mustn’t do it Ike.”
she pleaded.
My upper lip curled
in a sneer.
“You don’t get to tell me what I can or
cannot do anymore. None of you will ever
again tell me what I can or cannot do.
Get that thru your pretty little heads right now. Besides which, I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing
it for Belle. She doesn’t deserve to
suffer for your mistakes. I’m also doing
it for me. See, even if I were to do what
he wants, there’s no way to be sure he’ll actually turn over the tapes and
pictures like he promised. No way to be
sure he wouldn’t try to use them again and again. I
won’t be trapped or compromised because of your mistakes. Alex Chorney doesn’t know it yet, but he’s a
dead man. When I find him, and I will find him, he’s going to wish his
parents had never met. You wanted the
maniac bad-boy back? Congratulations…you
got him, in spades. Anybody getting squishy yet?”
I did a quick check on
their links, and while there were no signs of lust or passion, there was one hell of a lot of fear and
desperation.
“Nope, no one’s hot
and bothered. I guess wanting is better than having. Now…as for the second announcement. Remember when I said I was going to wait for
the three of you to make up your minds about what you wanted and then I’d tell
you what I had decided?”
They nodded their
heads very slightly, very hesitantly.
“Well, I’ve changed my mind.
I’m going to save you the trouble of deciding what you want.”
I stepped over the
coffee table and sat on its polished top.
Reaching out I took Peggy’s left hand in mine and slipped the rings off
her finger. Releasing her hand to drop
lifelessly in her lap I picked up Lilly’s hand and removed the rings from her
ring finger. Her hand too fell limply
into her lap. I reached out and grasped
Isabeau’s hand. She tried to pull away,
but couldn’t break my grip on her wrist.
I pulled the rings off and added them to the growing collection in my
palm. Then I twisted the tri-metal ring
they’d given me off my own finger and lay it on top of the others and stared at
the small pile of metal for a moment. I
looked up.
Uncomprehending
expressions were plastered across their faces.
They couldn’t believe I’d done it.
“Believe it
ladies. Your actions have made it
abundantly clear to me that none of you really wants our relationship to
continue. So be it.” I stood up and stepped back across the table
top. With a backhanded flick of the
wrist I threw the handful of gold and diamonds into the fireplace.
“Tonight, while
you’re asleep, I’ll remove the rings you have on the inside, and that…as they say…will be that. I really do hope you’ll be happier afterwards
than you were with me.”
I flashed the three of
them a sad half smile before turning around, walking out of the living room,
into the hallway and out the front door.
I stood on the porch for a moment or two, shivered slightly, shrugged my
bare shoulders and stepped out into the cold evening without a stitch of
clothing. I really needed to find a way
to control my temper.
With slow, steady
steps I made my way around the house and out onto the back yard. The ground was covered with knee high,
ice-crusted drifts of frozen ice dust.
Not the soft, fat, wet flakes that made good snowballs and good snowmen,
but the sharp, dry, powder that was as invasive and unwelcome as sand in a
bikini.
I’m sure I blended
in well with my surroundings.
When I reached the
approximate center of our big back yard I released all control and the flames
blazed back up around me. After a couple
of minutes the snow and ice around my feet had melted away and I was standing
on a patch of damp, dead brown grass about six feet in diameter. After ten minutes the grass was dry and
blackened. After twelve it was nothing
but charred dirt.
I heard the sound of
booted feet crunching thru the icy drifts and decided to ignore them. I continued to stare out into the darkness at
the shadowy images of trees.
“You can’t divorce
us unless we agree.” Peggy announced.
Her voice was loud and strained.
I don’t think she was prepared for how well her voice would carry in the
darkness.
“There you go
again…telling me what I can and can’t do.” I said absently.
“What you’re doing
isn’t fair Ike!” Lilly cried.
“Oh? I happen to think it’s more than fair. You weren’t happy with me; so I’m setting you
free. What could be more fair than that? The only one losing anything this way is
me. And since none of you have ever been
terribly concerned about what I wanted, I don’t see where you have much to
bitch about.”
“You’re running away
again, just like you did the other day.” Peggy said.
“Think what you
want.”
“Ike, please don’t
do this. It isn’t what we want and I
don’t believe for a second it’s what you want either.” my sister said. I’d wondered if she’d come out with
them. I should have realized that they
were going to present a unified front no matter what.
“You have no idea what I want. You never have, even though I’ve told you
often enough. The three of you only care
about what you want.”
“We want you!” Isabeau shrieked at me.
“How many lovers
have you had since Belle was born Isabeau?”
I asked, finally giving voice to the one question I didn’t really want
an answer to.
The silence was
deafening. I let it drag out for several
minutes.
“How ‘bout you
Peggy? Lilly?”
Not a whisper. Not a peep.
Not a sound. The wind picked up
briefly to fill the deafening absence of answers.
“That’s okay…you
don’t want to tell me and I’m afraid I already know the answer. You should all go back inside now. It’s getting cold.”
“You aren’t taking
my ring away from me.” Peggy was adamant.
“And you’re still
trying to tell me what I can and can’t do.”
“I won’t let you.”
“You can’t stop me.”
I warned her.
“I’ll fight you.”
“You can try.” I
agreed.
“I’m stronger than
you think.”
“No sweetie…you
really aren’t.”
I felt a tickling
sensation inside and a rush of heated passion and lust followed quickly. I smiled to myself.
“Is that the best
you can do?”
“Not even close.”
she growled.
The rushing flow
increased in volume and intensity, trying to overwhelm and dominate my own
feelings. I grinned widely and opened myself,
letting it come, taking hold and drawing the emotions in as fast as she could
send them.
“Come on, little
girl, show me what you got. Don’t hold
back…let me have it all!” I urged her on, turning from my observation of the
tree line to face the three women. They
stood together, holding hands and glaring at me with determined scowls.
“All three at
once? Excellent. There’s strength in numbers, right?”
The hot flow of
their combined emotions splashed around me, adding to the brightness of the flames
that danced over my body.
“Oooh,
I’m so hot and horny. I want you, I need
you…” I deadpanned. I reached down with
one hand and lifted my flaccid cock.
Looking back up at them I shrugged.
“Guess not.” I said, let my dick fall back down between my
legs and placed both hands on my hips.
I felt around for
Peggy’s link to me and when I found it, reached out and cut it as if it were
one of my own. The small woman lost her
balance as the flow of emotions snapped back at her and she fell, pulling my sister
and Lilly down into a frozen snow bank with her. Gone were the looks of determination,
replaced by shock.
I grinned like a
madman. “Not bad, sweetie, not bad at
all. But not good enough…not even
close. Let me show you how it should be
done…”
I linked with all
three and drained their emotions in one long pull, drawing deeply as if sucking
soda thru a straw. When I had all the
free emotions they possessed I went back and tapped their rings, draining the
stored sparks and returning them to the flame within me. I couldn’t actually destroy the rings…I’d
learned a hard lesson with Anya and knew better than to try, but draining…that I could do.
I watched with
interest as the heat behind their eyes flickered briefly and then went out.
“No. Please Ike…no.” Peggy wept.
Lilly rolled over
against Peggy and sobbed.
“Dear God, what have
you done?” Isabeau moaned faintly
“Taken back what’s
mine. Now you won’t have to be
constantly reminded of what you didn’t want.”
I stepped closer to them and crouched down, focusing on Peggy. “I won’t take away what I did for you in the
hospital. I did that before I was in
love with you; before I was your Daddy.” I turned my eyes on Lilly. “I won’t give you back the pain you had
before the bus ride. I did that for my
friend…and I can’t begin to tell you how much I’m going to miss her.”
I shifted my stance
slightly and looked down at my sister.
“You hated me when I
was a baby, tormented me as a child, saved me from myself when I was a boy,
rejected me as a young man, loved me and
rejected me as a man. I don’t know what
else to do.” I exhaled slowly. “I wish I knew how to help you Isabeau. I got rid of Ricky, but that didn’t
help. I loved you, but for reasons of your own, that I’ve never understood, you felt the need to parcel it, and me, out to
your sisters. I loved you too much to say no. I did my best to love and care for you, but
it wasn’t enough. You almost died
yesterday and I saved you again. You
haven’t even bothered to say thank you.
I guess it’s just not that big a deal anymore, huh? But you’re my big sister and because I love
you and want you to be happy I’m going to try one more time.”
I reached down with
my left hand and grabbed hold of my sister’s ankle. I cut the links with Peggy and Lilly and
focused on Isabeau.
“Twelve years old,
Isabeau. You were twelve and he was your
first love. You and he made love…then he
told his pals and word got around. Soon
everyone knew, and the whispers started.
Before long they weren’t whispering, they were laughing and
pointing. You were hurt and
humiliated…and angry. Incensed, enraged
and furious! Remember how that
felt? Remember how all your friends
would laugh and giggle when they thought you weren’t looking? Remember how much you hated him for
that? Remember?” I chanted in a sing-song tone, insistent and
demanding.
Inside, where there
had been an empty void, where all the emotions had been drained away only
moments before, there erupted a scalding geyser of dark, reeking, acidic
fury.
I’ve felt a lot of
negative emotions over the years, some of the darkest and most painful that
human beings are capable of creating and carrying. What my sister was spewing inside at that
moment could have given any of them a run for their money.
It had been
festering inside her for years, feeding on and infecting every decent and
pleasant emotion; leaching her happiness and joy, twisting everything good and
honest into a shadowy reflection of itself.
I reached down the
link and slipped inside, putting my sister on one more time like an overcoat,
diving deep within and facing off against the geyser.
“Concentrate,
honey. Remember how much it hurt…how
much it still hurts!”
The dark spray
became a gushing torrent, throbbing with spite and malice. I stepped into the flow and let it take
me.
It was as if I’d
stuck a fire hose in my mouth and fully opened the hydrant. I felt bloated, and ungainly, but I continued
taking in more and more, doing my best to drain it all out.
I couldn’t do
it. There was a limit to how much I
could hold and I very nearly reached it.
Everything I’d taken earlier from the three of them along with what
Isabeau was producing in seemingly unlimited quantities…it was simply more than
I could handle. In desperation I linked
the pair of us to the patch of scorched earth my feet were still in contact
with; no longer simply absorbing the emotions, I became a shunt, conducting
them out of my sister and into the living planet beneath us.
I was concentrating
intently on drawing out every last bit of her pain, but part of my mind
couldn’t help but hear her screaming and howling. I felt her legs kicking at me, trying to
break the grip I had on her ankle. I
ignored her distress and focused on draining.
“Let it out,
baby…let it all out. All the anger, the
hate, fear, rejection…you don’t need it anymore. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t my fault…it
was his. You beat the snot out of him
and now it’s over. Let it go. You have to let it go.”
“Nooooooooo!
Never let them hurt me again…bastards…all of them are bastards. Never let any of you hurt me again!”
“How many times are
you going to hurt me, big sister?
Haven’t I always been here for
you when you needed help? How many times
do I have to save you? How much pain and
suffering do I have to endure
before you’ll believe that I love you? Isabeau, the only one hurting you is you!
And it’s time to stop.”
“You don’t love me…”
she half screamed, half cried. “You took
away my love, you’ve taken away my sisters; next you’ll take my baby and I
won’t have anything!”
How was it that no
matter what the three of them did to me, it always ended up being my fault?
“Lilly, Peggy, hold
her down! This is gonna hurt.” I
growled. They scrambled thru the snow,
Lilly falling across my sister’s upper body, pinning her arms and shoulders
down while Peggy launched herself across Isabeau’s thighs and hips.
The venom from her
internal geyser seemed to have no end.
It kept gushing and spraying its poison faster than I could pull it from
her.
Help me!
How do I fix this?
Are you sure you
want to?
I wouldn’t have fuckin’
asked if I weren’t sure!
You could lose
her…for good.
If that’s what it takes. As long as she’s happy and at peace.
No. You could lose her. You could kill her. Her body is still weak from the previous
cleaning.
You keep telling me I’m a god. Gods only kill if they want to.
Fat fuckin’ lot you know.
Show me!
Help me heal her!
The tiny little flame
flashed down the link and ripped into the geyser, boring down the spout to the
flow’s source. When it got as far in as
it could go, it stopped and flickered briefly before exploding like a star
going nova, sending piercing waves of brilliant, cleansing light slashing thru
Isabeau’s body.
Her body went wild;
bending and twisting with spastically violent abandon.
I snarled with pain
and anger when her free foot landed squarely against the bridge of my
nose. I felt bone crunch beneath her
heel and blood began leaking down my upper lip and over my chin as blinding
waves of intense pain shot thru my face and brain.
“Hold her still!”
Inside Isabeau’s
body the waves of brilliant light slashed thru her like a knife blade thru warm
butter, burning and cauterizing as they went.
When they hit the geyser of poison, it squealed and sizzled like a
living piece of bacon being tossed onto a red hot skillet.
Once the geyser
stopped flowing I gathered as much of the light and flame as I could and
directed it down the gaping spout, sending it searching and scouting for
remnants of the vicious spew.
My sister’s body
started twitching spasmodically, arms going one way, legs another, head rolling
from side to side jerkily then raising up and slamming back against the packed
snow beneath her over and over again.
The foot I didn’t
have a lock on returned to smash into my face once again, this time missing my
nose and landing just below my left eye.
I growled, tightened
my grip on the leg I did have control of and shook my head, sending bright, fat
red droplets of blood flying everywhere.
The flame finished
its work, condensed back to its normal tiny size and retreated back up the
link. I made a careful examination of
Isabeau’s body from the inside, making sure her heart and pulmonary system were
working properly, ensuring there were no broken bones or damaged tendons or
ligaments.
Finding nothing that
would need immediate attention, I began to pull back and out, when a couple of
flickering images flashed just for an instant and caught my attention.
I mentally frowned
and dove back inside my sister’s psyche, chasing the will-o-the-wisps into the
uncharted emptiness that had once housed all the emotions I’d just recently
stripped from her. Far-far back in to
the depths of her awareness I plunged, and there I discovered a large upright
hollow roughly the shape of a human body.
It was deep enough that I couldn’t discern its back wall, easily a foot
taller than me and wide enough that I could have walked in without touching the
sides.
What the hell was
this thing?
You know what it
is…maybe you should ask ‘why’ is it?
Powerfully driving
and demanding emotions radiated from within the hollow; insistent, commanding, and
unyielding emotions so full of need and desire that it was all I could do not
to throw myself into the opening. It
wanted me. It needed me.
It was calling for
me…not by name, and not with words, but it was calling me home.
Goddamn
symbolism. I hate fuckin’
symbolism!
There they were,
hiding in the dark depths of the imprint.
Inside the hollow were the fleeting images I’d been chasing.
Pale and ghostly
they hovered just beyond my sight; looking very much like the brighter figure
I’d seen of myself in our shared dream.
I stared at their faint wavering outlines and broadcast calm and safety
at them, like trying to coax one of Peggy’s horses to approach.
The pair tittered,
reached out to one another and grasped hands.
They remained where they were, the hungry shadows hiding their features
from me.
There’s no need to try and calm us. We aren’t afraid. We know who and what you are.
And what
exactly do you think I am?
You’re HIM.
Hunter, Healer, Man, God.
Huh?
You’re Ike.
Brother, Friend, Lover, Father.
Who are you?
The pair tittered
again and stepped forward.
Ghostly images of
Lilly and Peggy…both of them nude and as pale as I imagined myself to be. Their only clothing, two intricately delicate
chains of dull gold draped around their narrow waists, the loops intertwined so
that neither could move freely more than a half step away from the other.
Symbolism piled on
top of symbolism. Nothing’s ever direct
and to the point, is it?
Do you see us for what we are,
Friend? Do you understand us now,
Brother? Can you still care for us,
Lover? Will you forgive us, Father?
Why did you do this
to yourselves?
To fill the void…to be whole.
It didn’t work
though, did it?
The outline of the
oversized human figure began shifting.
Its edges twitched and wiggled, reshaping in a series of liquid
movements that caused my metaphysical skin to crawl. When at last it stopped, gone was the lone
figure. The hollow was wider, and
instead of being an outline of one person it now resembled a silhouette of four
people. There was no avoiding the
implication.
No.
One was missing. One we could not
provide for ourselves. Without the One
we can never be complete, never happy, always searching, always hungry, angry,
lonely…lost.
Goddamn symbolism. All
the pieces began falling into place until I was left with a single inescapable
conclusion.
Goddamnitalltofuckinghell! I wasn’t going to get even one
lousy moment’s worth of vengeance out of this mess.
Alright…I’ll fix
it. I’ll make you whole.
After all, wasn’t
that why I was on the path?
The pair sighed with
relief and delight, sounding exactly like a summer breeze wafting thru the
branches of an appreciative tree.
Now?
Soon. Let me get you all inside the house
first. I don’t want to carry three
unconscious women thru the snow.
I pulled back up the
link and resettled within myself, cutting it when I was all the way out. Releasing my grip on Isabeau’s ankle I rolled
to one side and coughed the blood draining from my nose out of my mouth and
throat.
Heaving myself up
onto all fours I lifted my head and tried to look around. My left eye was swollen shut and frozen tears
were holding my right eyelid shut. Balancing
on two knees and one arm I clawed the ice away and blinked rapidly.
Peggy and Lilly had
my sister propped up in a sitting position and were trying to get her to stand
up. Her eyes were wide open and rolled
back in her head so that only the whites showed.
I rocked back on my
heels and stood up, stepped over and took her by the shoulders of her coat and
lifted her upright. Lilly and Peggy
rushed in and took up positions beneath her arms, draping one limb each over
their shoulders. I smiled stiffly thru
the layers of blood on my face. Peggy
was so much smaller than my sister that there was no way she’d be able to help
support her all the way back to the house.
“I’ll take her. You two go ahead and make sure the kids don’t
see us.”
Peggy nodded and
ducked away so I could reach around and take Isabeau in my arms.
“Where are you
taking her?” Lilly wanted to know.
“My room.” I
said. “It has the biggest bed.”
Lilly backed away,
joined hands with Peggy and the pair began plowing their way back to the
house. I scooped Isabeau up, one arm
beneath her back and shoulders, one beneath her knees and followed after them,
moving slower, making sure of my footing before taking the next step.